OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[lostgirl87]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your input. I am going through with the termination. He wouldn't suggest it but I could tell it was what he wanted so I suggested and he agreed. I don't see how our relationship survives this anyway, so I feel this will take care of both issues as I'm just kind of numb toward him at this point. Thanks again for all your advice and feedback, it was helpful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how alone you must feel. Is he at least going to go with you for the procedure?

 

Bless your heart- I hope you heal and move on quickly! Not to say that you should rush the healing but I hope you're able to recover quickly and not hurt for too long.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks to all of you. I wish I could say I had a support system. There was only one person who knew and we are no longer friends for reasons that have nothing to do with this, so I am by myself on this. I know there is better out there, people who will put me first, but will I always find myself comparing the way I feel about him to others? It's almost unbearable. I don't think I'll ever find the passion or raw emotion.

 

Please consider some counseling just so you heal healthy.

 

Do you have any other women friends who you can rely on and open up with?

 

Bolded: You will, when the timing is right. Of course right now you can't even consider that but it will happen in the future.

[smalltownwriter]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how alone you must feel. Is he at least going to go with you for the procedure?

 

Bless your heart- I hope you heal and move on quickly! Not to say that you should rush the healing but I hope you're able to recover quickly and not hurt for too long.

 

I appreciate that very much. No, he isn't going with me, I'll be on my own. He already left town and won't be back for another 2 weeks.

[freengreen]

Tough.

 

Please take care. I wish you had atleast one person to share this overwhelming situation to, well,you seem to be soft but strong, you will pull it through.

 

Try not to idolize this person because he is faaar from being it and I think there are loads of people better than him and you wont have any problem connecting with them because they arnt as hard as him. Give yourself a chance, see what he has done to you.

 

May be try professional help, atleast you will have someone to talk to. (())

[Tressugar]

Op, I'm here for ya if you should feel the need to talk or vent. You can PM me, if you like. If I was there in your city, I'd accompany you to lend you support.

[anika99]

Thanks to all of you. I wish I could say I had a support system. There was only one person who knew and we are no longer friends for reasons that have nothing to do with this, so I am by myself on this. I know there is better out there, people who will put me first, but will I always find myself comparing the way I feel about him to others? It's almost unbearable. I don't think I'll ever find the passion or raw emotion.

 

 

The fact that this was a long distance affair heavily fed your feelings of passion and emotion. The distance, the limited time together, the secrecy, the waiting for more, the highs followed by lows followed by more highs, the isolation in having to hide the true nature of your relationship, all these things lead to passion and

an actual emotional dependency on the married person. It's very dysfunctional and akin to an addiction.

 

It will be very hard to recreate those feelings in a normal healthy relationship. You need to give yourself lots of time to recover. In some cases dating others helps as a distraction and as validation that you are attractive and desirable but more often than not it ends up falling flat and turns into a false affirmation that nobody else will ever compare to the MM so I would recommend not dating too soon.

 

I believe you said that you already have a child. How about spending a year or two focusing on the well being of yourself and your child. Think about what kind of man you want to bring into your child's life on a fulltime basis and realize that your MM was not that kind of man. He is a man who went looking to cheat on his wife right after she gave birth to his baby, a man who encouraged you to get pregnant and now left you to deal with the termination all on your own while he gets to go back to his little happy family feeling relieved that your getting rid of this problem for him.

 

He lacks principles and morals, he is selfish and uses women to satisfy his own needs with little regard to their emotional well being or the best interest of his children. He sure as heck was never going to be a good father to your child.

[smalltownwriter]

Just have to tell you guys what he proposed today. First of all, he asked me how my first appointment went which led to an emotional conversation (on his end too). My second appointment where medication is administered is Saturday. He makes me go through all this crap mentally and then had the nerve to tell me I didn't have to have an abortion. Here was his suggestion:

 

I could go through with the pregnancy and let him adopt it. With his wife. Then he would get divorced from her when he could and after that happened we could raise the kid together. I nearly lost my mind on him. Super convenient solution to make him look like a saint to his family and friends while making me go through all the shame. And to even suggest that I could just let his wife raise my baby, while lying to her and telling her it was someone else's from work that he felt compelled to adopt. Just was unbelievable to me. To put either of us (she or me) in that position.

 

I'm sill going through with termination. But what a mindf***.

[reed1971]

Just have to tell you guys what he proposed today. First of all, he asked me how my first appointment went which led to an emotional conversation (on his end too). My second appointment where medication is administered is Saturday. He makes me go through all this crap mentally and then had the nerve to tell me I didn't have to have an abortion. Here was his suggestion:

 

I could go through with the pregnancy and let him adopt it. With his wife. Then he would get divorced from her when he could and after that happened we could raise the kid together. I nearly lost my mind on him. Super convenient solution to make him look like a saint to his family and friends while making me go through all the shame. And to even suggest that I could just let his wife raise my baby, while lying to her and telling her it was someone else's from work that he felt compelled to adopt. Just was unbelievable to me. To put either of us (she or me) in that position.

 

I'm sill going through with termination. But what a mindf***.

So this is the first time I have ever commented on anything on here, but i have been reading your posts.

The fact that he has the hide to suggest he and his wife adopt the baby is one of the most deplorable things I have heard in a long time.

My heart breaks that not only are you having to go through a termination (and I completely understand your decision), but you also have to face the reality that this man has zero emotional capacity. He does not sound like he can see things from anyone else's point of view but his own.

I am really sorry that you are going through this.

[anika99]

OMG!! What a mental case!! What the hell is wrong with him? What makes him think his wife is going to agree to adopt a strangers baby and if she did agree to that what makes him think she would just be okay with taking the baby away from her in a year or two? Mostly how does he think it would feel for you to have him take your baby and have his wife mother the infant? What if he never left and now his wife has your baby?!!

 

Good grief!! That guy is seriously messed up in the head. That idea is even worse then his "let's have a baby to make me leave my marriage" idea. It's like he doesn't view humans as people with hearts and feelings but more as objects to use for his pleasure. Sad that he's treats women that way but horrifying that he also treats his children the same way.

 

I mean just imagine all the trauma your baby and his existing children would suffer through if you agreed to his stupid idea and his wife actually agreed to adopt your baby, then he left her, managed to take the baby away from the woman he/she bonded with as its mother and his existing children had to watch their dad walk out the door with their sibling while their mother is having a total mental breakdown at both finding out her baby is actually the child of the woman her husband has been having an affair with and now that woman is taking her baby back. OMG just putting that in writing made me crack up laughing because not even someone who writes those cheesy lifetime movies could come up with such a stupid story line. If your MM was serious then he is batsh*t crazy. Are you sure he is an educated attorney because that's about the stupidest thing an MM has ever said.

[waterwoman]

Good lord, that is truly awful. So sorry

[elaine567]

Oh dear, now it all sounds a bit convenient.

Him pressing and pressing for you to have a child and now you are pregnant he wants him and his wife to adopt it. First he gives you no option but to terminate and now he has provided a last minute "solution" so that you do not have to terminate. He probably thought you would be so desperate by now that you would agree to this.

Sounds like he may have had it planned. Maybe his wife has fertility problems and this is the "answer".

OR he came clean to his wife and she said, "Fine we will adopt this child", in order to get you out of their lives completely maybe.

 

Whatever the reason, it does not sound like he has your best interests at heart.

 

Do what you think is best in the long term for you.

Think very carefully, you do not want to make an emotional decision to have an abortion, based on "revenge", as he is not treating you the way you want to be treated and then you regret it later.

Try to take him out of your decision making all together.

[freengreen]

He is a mastermind in the worst way. How selfish that not one grain in his 'excellent plan' is about any of you....whao an A class arse.

[BaileyB]

Just have to tell you guys what he proposed today. First of all, he asked me how my first appointment went which led to an emotional conversation (on his end too). My second appointment where medication is administered is Saturday. He makes me go through all this crap mentally and then had the nerve to tell me I didn't have to have an abortion. Here was his suggestion:

 

I could go through with the pregnancy and let him adopt it. With his wife. Then he would get divorced from her when he could and after that happened we could raise the kid together. I nearly lost my mind on him. Super convenient solution to make him look like a saint to his family and friends while making me go through all the shame. And to even suggest that I could just let his wife raise my baby, while lying to her and telling her it was someone else's from work that he felt compelled to adopt. Just was unbelievable to me. To put either of us (she or me) in that position.

 

I'm sill going through with termination. But what a mindf***.

 

Well, he has revealed himself for the absolutely manipulative and awful person that he really is... This is the craziest thing I have heard in a very long time. Be glad to be rid of this guy... He is a really terrible human being.

[BTDT2012]

Get away from him. He is bat**** crazy.

[Birdies]

Please cut this man off for good, NOW! Block his phone number, email, social media. He is at worst a complete sociopath, and at best a spineless pathetic conflict avoidant serial cheater. Continuing this "love" affair is only going to do you more damage. For your own sake, please get yourself into therapy and try to refocus on your children.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I don't think he's that crazy. He's just stupid.

 

He's trying to keep the inn open. He knows no woman would agree, but he's just trying to look like a good guy and not the guy who pushed for a termination. He knows you'll terminate. But now you can't put it on him. Quite the opposite.

[BaileyB]

I don't think he's that crazy. He's just stupid.

 

He's trying to keep the inn open. He knows no woman would agree, but he's just trying to look like a good guy and not the guy who pushed for a termination. He knows you'll terminate. But now you can't put it on him. Quite the opposite.

 

Who's to say, this wasn't his plan all along...

 

How do you go from "I want you to have my baby, and then I will leave my wife to be with you," to "we should abort the baby," to "my wife and I will raise the baby together." That's insanity!

 

If he is trying to absolve his guilt for the abortion, that's disturbing.

 

He's totally unpredictable and not trustworthy. He is, bat**** crazy!

[smalltownwriter]

Now he's trying to tell me not to go through with it, that he chooses me and he will deal with the consequences. This is just tormenting. I'm trying not to fall for it but I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't want an abortion. I'm doing it because I know I have to. And to have him giving me whiplash with his changing mind is just heartbreaking. I just have to get to tomorrow morning.

[whichwayisup]

Now he's trying to tell me not to go through with it, that he chooses me and he will deal with the consequences. This is just tormenting. I'm trying not to fall for it but I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't want an abortion. I'm doing it because I know I have to. And to have him giving me whiplash with his changing mind is just heartbreaking. I just have to get to tomorrow morning.

 

He's bullcrapping you. No way is he going to confess everything to his wife and deal with the consequences. He's trying to manipulate you!

 

Please be strong and don't give in to his whimpering.

[anika99]

Now he's trying to tell me not to go through with it, that he chooses me and he will deal with the consequences. This is just tormenting. I'm trying not to fall for it but I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't want an abortion. I'm doing it because I know I have to. And to have him giving me whiplash with his changing mind is just heartbreaking. I just have to get to tomorrow morning.

 

 

You don't HAVE to have an abortion if that's not truly your decision. You can do whatever YOU want to do. Just know that if you go through with the pregnancy and have the baby that you will be raising that baby alone. Whether the MM leaves his wife (doubtful) or stays with her, he's a creep either way. He's either going to leave you to raise his child alone, or he's going to move far away to be with you, thereby abandoning his wife and the baby and the child from his previous marriage. No matter what choice he makes people and children are going to be very hurt.

[elaine567]

Now he's trying to tell me not to go through with it, that he chooses me and he will deal with the consequences. This is just tormenting. I'm trying not to fall for it but I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't want an abortion. I'm doing it because I know I have to. And to have him giving me whiplash with his changing mind is just heartbreaking. I just have to get to tomorrow morning.

 

You said before he was Pro Life and he probably is and so he can't actually stand the thought of the abortion, as it is his baby after all.

[BTDT2012]

Now he's trying to tell me not to go through with it, that he chooses me and he will deal with the consequences. This is just tormenting. I'm trying not to fall for it but I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't want an abortion. I'm doing it because I know I have to. And to have him giving me whiplash with his changing mind is just heartbreaking. I just have to get to tomorrow morning.

 

More manipulation. I am not one that advocates for abortion. You have to do what is right for you. If you decide against termination, it has to be with the full knowledge and intent to raise this child on your own.

[SoleMate]

PLEASE go NC! Only have contact with people who aren't manipulating you for their benefit. Your loving friends and family - YES. Caring professionals - YES. Qualified counselor - YES. Lying, manipulating, arrogant family-destroying twits - NO.

 

Hugs, wishing you the best. Don't believe any proved liars and don't take any wooden nickels!

[RewindRomancer]

He's a nutjob...a narcissist...probably a sociopath even.

 

 

 

 

Run girl RUN!!

[wmacbride]

I met my MM online, friendly conversation turned to flirting, obviously you know where that led. He told me from the beginning that he loved his wife but that they had an understanding that he was not going to be monogamous, he said she said "okay, I just don't want to find out about it."

 

I was going through a separation and divorce (the whole process lasted about a year) myself and thought I didn't want anything serious. Since it was my understanding that they were in some kind of open relationship, I began this relationship.

 

We've had our fair share of issues, mostly stemming from jealousy on both our parts because we can't be a "real" couple, but I fall more in love with him every day, even now almost 2 years later. He lives out of state so we only can see each other once a month or so.

 

At first he always said he would never leave his wife, he already has a son from a previous marriage, and a daughter who was an infant when we began our relationship with his current wife, and he said he wouldn't go through that again. I said okay, not realizing how real it would become. He didn't either.

 

He has always teased me that he wanted me to have his baby, because he knew I did not want that. Well since the beginning of the year, maybe before that, our talks about figuring out a way to be together became much more real. He seemed he was ready if he could just find a way out and still be able to be with his daughter.

 

He apparently was serious about wanting to have a baby because he told me "what if I tried to get you pregnant for a few months and we could see what happens...let fate decide. And if you do end up pregnant then the choice will be made." Said if it happened, he would leave his wife and be with me, not being with his daughter every day would suck, but all he wanted was a family with me and we would eventually be happy after the rainstorm.

 

Well, I'm pregnant. It only took one try. Very early on, only 5 weeks. But we're talking about plans and now I'm terrified.

 

It sounds so naive of me, I know. But all of a sudden things are about to be dire.

 

He said he's leaving his wife. He wants to be with me full time, and we can split time between my town and his town. In total honesty, I'm not sure he even thought it would happen. He didn't exactly sound happy. He said he is, just there is a lot of **** to figure out and it isn't going to be pleasant but once we get it past us, we will be happy.

 

I gave him so many outs. He didn't take any of them.

 

But the only thing I can think now is:

What if he does the same thing to me? Why did I do this? Surely he will do the same thing to me. Will I know when I'm the one he's with? I doubt we'll get married, me being once divorced (with a 4 year old) and him about to be twice divorced. Which leads me to my next issue:

 

Now I get to tell my super religious parents who have always been proud that I have made good choices in life (barring my ex who turned out to be crazy) that I got knocked up by a married man who is now going to be with me. The disappointment that will follow, I'm not sure I'm prepared for.

 

Anyone out there have any tips or suggestions for me?

 

I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began. He said he had no problem with any of that.

 

But still! I'm a 32 year old and I have my sh** together, own my own company, have a great career, and sole custody of my 4 year old. And I just watched myself do this because I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and I wanted to do it for him. How stupid am I?

/

He is coming into town in 2 days and we are supposed to have a talk about how we are going to maneuver all of this. Any help would be so appreciated!

 

You don't need to rush into anything. If you choose to continue the pregnancy ( which I am assuming you are, sorry if I am wrong), then you need to put your new little one first.

 

Do you think that you and this guy will be able to offer a little boy or girl a stable home life if you stay together, or do you feel it could be a very stressful household? What sort of support can you count on from friends and family? Don't panic if the answer to that is "none", as there are community groups who can lend you a helping hand and you can build a support network with time. As a single mom, you likely already know this.

 

Whether or not you stay with this guy, what sort of support to you feel he can provide you? Will you need to go after him for child support, or do you think he will willingly give it?

 

What will happen if something goes wrong? I know it's not something parents like to think about, but what if your child has special needs? If that is the case, what will he be able to do for you?

 

Realistically, I would plan on being a single parent to this baby. I'm not saying that's a given, but if you can rely on yourself, you'll be far better of as you won't need to depend on him. Ask him tough questions and be a "tiger mom". You have the strength in you, and you can find it. It sounds like you have already worked really hard to reach a good place in your life, and that strength will carry you again now.

 

There is a lot to decide, but it doesn't need to be settled in a day. Right now, look after yourself and your baby to be. Try and get lots of rest, eat well, see the doctor and make sere to stay connected with as many people as you can besides the mm. The more people you have to support you, the better, no matter what your situation may be.