OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[wmacbride]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your input. I am going through with the termination. He wouldn't suggest it but I could tell it was what he wanted so I suggested and he agreed. I don't see how our relationship survives this anyway, so I feel this will take care of both issues as I'm just kind of numb toward him at this point. Thanks again for all your advice and feedback, it was helpful.

 

Please accept my apologies for my previous post.

 

I do wish you the best, and that you can get away from this guy.

[BaileyB]

Just sending hugs your way. Stay strong.

Edited May 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[usa1ah]

No, he has 2 children from 2 different wives.

 

You knew going in he was a player.

 

What did you think, all of a sudden he would become monogamous?

[smalltownwriter]

You knew going in he was a player.

 

What did you think, all of a sudden he would become monogamous?

 

Well just to be clear, he had both of those kids while he was married to each wife, and they didn't overlap. I hardly think that is the part that would make him a "player."

[BTDT2012]

Well just to be clear, he had both of those kids while he was married to each wife, and they didn't overlap. I hardly think that is the part that would make him a "player."

How can you be certain that the relationships didn't overlap?

[smalltownwriter]

How can you be certain that the relationships didn't overlap?

 

Evidence of the timing.

[elaine567]

How did Saturday go?

[OldRover]

Small Town,

 

There are "some" advantages you have with this guy. It's not all doom and gloom, regardless of what you hear.

 

First, he does have the ability to earn a comfortable living and support you, and if your business is in another town, it's relatively easy for an attorney to find work. If your business is not tied to where you live, then you both could move somewhere else and "start over".

 

It's not impossible to raise 2 or 3 kids. Lots of people do it. And, both of you can remain employed and use sitters for the kids.... it does work.

 

It does sound like he loves you... perhaps he just chose the wrong women in the past, and "you" are the one. You'll know for sure after a few years.

 

BUT, the odds are against you.... statistically. Multiple divorces, affairs especially when a pregnancy results are high risk for making a long term permanent relationship.....so, it will take a LOT of work, from both of you.

 

And the awkwardness of visitation, child and ex spouse support and the past wives will be in your life pretty much forever.

 

Only you and he can decide if you're willing to go for it and survive. And if you have any major differences or beliefs that will add to the difficulties.

 

Both of you are in the affair, so you both have the ability to cheat, and either one of you could get disgusted with your marriage down the road and split.

 

Food for thought....and best of luck.

[smalltownwriter]

How did Saturday go?

 

It was the worst feeling I could have possibly imagined. Not just painful physically but I feel like I am mentally...just broken. But what's done is done. All I know is I won't ever do it again.

[elaine567]

It was the worst feeling I could have possibly imagined. Not just painful physically but I feel like I am mentally...just broken. But what's done is done. All I know is I won't ever do it again.

 

((((Hugs))))

[BaileyB]

The warmest hugs to you, dear girl.

 

Please find a counsellor or someone who can help you to heal from this.

[noelle303]

It was the worst feeling I could have possibly imagined. Not just painful physically but I feel like I am mentally...just broken. But what's done is done. All I know is I won't ever do it again.

 

*hugs*

Just remember that there was no easy solution and this is what was clearly best for you. You will heal and build your character from this, we do learn from our mistakes.

[lostgirl87]

It was the worst feeling I could have possibly imagined. Not just painful physically but I feel like I am mentally...just broken. But what's done is done. All I know is I won't ever do it again.

Bless your heart! I haven't stopped thinking of you. Wishing you all the best and fast healing.

[BTDT2012]

It was the worst feeling I could have possibly imagined. Not just painful physically but I feel like I am mentally...just broken. But what's done is done. All I know is I won't ever do it again.

(((Hugs))) Wishing you peace.

[smalltownwriter]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it.

[sandylee1]

ST,

 

You'll be fine. Just give yourself some time to get over the termination and to get over the man, you love/d. He's not who you thought he was.

 

The physical pain (of the termination), will soon subside.

 

I was dumbfounded at his suggestion of adopting the baby with his wife.

 

I actually find that really disturbing TBH. That he thought you would give up your baby after carrying for 9 months and 'at some point' he'd leave her.

 

Doesn't he realise that his wife would more than likely have gained custody. Furthermore, in all this, it would be having your child's identity as a secret.

 

Who would do something like that to a child. He must think this is 'Hollyoaks'. A UK soap opera, with a similar storyline, of a man tricking his wife into adopting his affair child.

 

Please please, see him for what he is. Nothing he's done shows that he loves or respects you..... ...or even that he really cares for you.

 

When I've been in a crappie situation in the past, I deal with it by looking at the good things in my life and looking at those in a worse position than me.... Which is a lot of people as it happens.

 

Turn this into a positive, by realising how having a child with this manipulative, nasty man would have been a terrible thing.

 

Focus on being grateful for the things you have... Which would be your daughter/family.

 

Pour your heart and soul into her and plan a few outings with her, doing fun things and creating beautiful memories.

 

Take photos of the fun times and just enjoy being the best mum you can be.

 

You don't need that lunatic in your life.

 

ST... you can do this. You really can. Just believe in yourself.

[mrs rubble]

You have done the right thing. Time heals, and I wish you a speedy recovery from this.

I too was horrified to read what your MM suggested. OMG!! As if that'd ever happen, he must come from some really weird planet to come up with that!

I hope that has put you off him for good!!

There are many good men out there, one day I hope you find one of them for yourself.

[misspalmy]

This has happen to me 3 times with 2 diff father,

 

Im a solo mum but i wouldnt change it for the world, my babies are my life,

my girls there father took few years to get in there life. I told his wife not long after i had my 2nd child. big mess but now has work out he see them few times a yea he lives in another town,

 

my son is 6mths old after i told his wife hes not talking to me, so i have to go count het dna test, the fool wife took him back the next day after i told her. he lie to me and he lie to her yet i got all them blame,

 

I think your going be in a roller coaster

 

good luck hope works out for you,

[Tressugar]

^^^ op that should confirm you dodged a bullet.

[smalltownwriter]

So I had to go to the doctor for a follow up. I have to take the pills again because I still have tissue remaining. Another nightmare all over again. I told him and he is arranging to come into town over the weekend so he can be with me this time. This is what is so hard for me. He screws up, and then he realizes it and he shows up. He had previously told me he understood why I was so mad at him and that he would do his best in the future to make sure he didn't let it happen again. Now he was faced with it and usually weekends are automatically out. Meaning: it's too hard to explain why he'd have to leave town on the weekend and so he doesn't.

 

This time I didn't ask, he just said "whatever you have to do I will be there with you." I told him when I was supposed to do it (over the weekend) and he booked his flight for Sunday so he could be there with me that day. And if I have to have surgery if the medication doesn't fix the problem (something my doctor said is very likely) he said he will be with me then too and drive me back from the hospital. I believe him.

 

I guess i am giving him too much credit because it's Sunday and it's the end of the weekend, I don't know what his flight time is at, maybe he gets in in the evening which would be easily explained with "early Monday morning meetings."

 

I know everything you guys have said is true. It's just hard right now because it's an emotional time and he seems to be doing everything to prove that he has learned from this and plans to do better.

 

Tell me all the reasons why I'm wrong. Please. I need to hear them.

[anika99]

So I had to go to the doctor for a follow up. I have to take the pills again because I still have tissue remaining. Another nightmare all over again. I told him and he is arranging to come into town over the weekend so he can be with me this time. This is what is so hard for me. He screws up, and then he realizes it and he shows up. He had previously told me he understood why I was so mad at him and that he would do his best in the future to make sure he didn't let it happen again. Now he was faced with it and usually weekends are automatically out. Meaning: it's too hard to explain why he'd have to leave town on the weekend and so he doesn't.

 

This time I didn't ask, he just said "whatever you have to do I will be there with you." I told him when I was supposed to do it (over the weekend) and he booked his flight for Sunday so he could be there with me that day. And if I have to have surgery if the medication doesn't fix the problem (something my doctor said is very likely) he said he will be with me then too and drive me back from the hospital. I believe him.

 

I guess i am giving him too much credit because it's Sunday and it's the end of the weekend, I don't know what his flight time is at, maybe he gets in in the evening which would be easily explained with "early Monday morning meetings."

 

I know everything you guys have said is true. It's just hard right now because it's an emotional time and he seems to be doing everything to prove that he has learned from this and plans to do better.

 

Tell me all the reasons why I'm wrong. Please. I need to hear them.

 

I understand. As I mentioned earlier in this thread I had an abortion many years ago. I didn't want to but I was already a single parent to 2 children and the guy I was seeing made it very clear that he did not want a child and would not parent should I continue the pregnancy. I was so messed up over it as I hated the thought of abortion but just couldn't see bringing a 3rd child up by myself. Life was already such a struggle my myself and my boys. I kept trying to find a way but towards the end of my first trimester I relented and went for the abortion.

 

The father came with me for support (and probably to make sure I really had the procedure done). That day and the days leading up to it I hated him. My plan was to get the abortion and then get him out of my life forever. Unfortunately I fell apart afterwards. I felt it deeply and I hated myself. I didn't have any support because my mother was deeply disappointed in me, first for being so stupid to get myself knocked up again (I don't blame her, I was really stupid back then) and secondly for getting an abortion as she was deeply prolife. I hadn't told anyone else so that left the father, the guy who put the most pressure on me to abort, as my only means of emotional support. I had thought all along that the second the abortion was done I was going to kick him to the curb but then I realized he was the only person I had. He was the only one who was willing to comfort me and listen to my pain.

 

So our relationship limped on for 6 more months after the abortion. In time it became sadly apparent that it had to end. Too much damage and pain had been caused. I loved him but I had been left with a deep wound that was never going to heal as long as he was in my life. I blamed him and here's some of the back story to explain why I blamed him. I knew and know that it was ultimately my responsibility to prevent myself from getting pregnant but I was dating this guy for 2 years when I got pregnant and the reason I had gotten careless with birth control was because this SOB told me he was sterile. When I told him I suspected I was pregnant he said "that's not possible because I shoot blanks" and when my pregnancy was confirmed he then suggested that I had gotten pregnant by someone else because he couldn't father a child. At that point I asked exactly when he had been diagnosed as sterile. He said what do you mean? I said, exactly how was it determined that you are sterile and when were you told? That's when he told me he had never been diagnosed as sterile but he thought he was because he was almost 40yrs old and had never gotten any of his prior girlfriends pregnant. I calmly asked him if his prior gfs used birth control. His answer was 'I don't know, I think so but I never asked' OMfreakingG!!! I wanted to punch him in the face and then I wanted to punch myself in the face for not having had this conversation with him before I turned up pregnant.

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent there, to get back on topic and to sum up I did keep seeing this jerk for 6 months after the abortion because I was so messed up and I felt so alone and I didn't have anyone else to turn to so I leaned on him. Therefore I can understand why you are leaning on the MM right now, it's like hes' the only person who is in this with you and the only one you can unload on. That's understandable but to really heal and move forward you will have to leave him behind at some point and hopefully the day comes when you will want to leave him behind, like that day came for me. If you continue this affair after this then you will stunt your healing and your personal growth. Dont' let this man steal anymore of your life and happiness. Don't look at breaking up with him as losing him or losing someone worthwhile, look at is as you breaking free from the chains that have bound you to such a toxic situation. Look at it as loving yourself and choosing your own happiness.

[eye of the storm]

Smalltown, I am so sorry you are going thru this.

 

 

It is a sad fact that it is easier to keep an OW than groom a new one. He isn't doing all this to show you he cares. It is to keep you from finding your feet and walking away.

 

 

It is the push pull to keep you off balance so you keep rationalizing, excusing, minimizing his behavior. Yes he stabbed me in the heart but look, he bought bandages. Yes he slapped me and I have a black eye but look, he said he is sorry.

 

 

Your hormones, your emotions, your vision of the future are all spinning and out of control.

 

 

You want him to be what you need him to be. I am so sorry. He isn't.

 

 

He is someone who chose to endanger you, to cause you to be in this situation for his own selfish wants.

 

 

He isn't coming for you. He is coming for himself.

[reed1971]

i am not entirely sure my post will be popular or perhaps even helpful... but i think it provides another point of view.

 

The fact that this man has done the wrong thing by you is indisputable, and suggesting his wife adopt the baby was one of the most appalling things I have heard.

 

I do however believe that good people do bad things, and that bad people do good things. I also believe it is possible to have feelings for more than one person. It is entirely possible that this man has feelings for you, and cares about you, however it would seem that he cares about himself even more, and that is the bottom line.

 

Many years ago I had a unplanned pregnancy that ended up in a miscarriage which required a D&C. Despite the fact that I knew the relationship was over (his reaction to the pregnancy confirmed that), I was grateful he came to the hospital with me. I think it helped me to feel less embarrassed and less alone. I think that he had the courage to come showed me he took some responsibility. For me personally it helped.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that if it makes you feel better to have him there I totally understand it. Regardless of what his motives are you deserve support and to not have to go through that alone.

 

I do not however think that you should mistake this for thinking there is a future with him. He really does not deserve you and I think in your heart you know that you could never come back from this.

 

I really am thinking of you. This is an incredibly distressing thing to have to go through

[reed1971]

How are you going smalltownwriter? I've been thinking about you?

R

[smalltownwriter]

Well, my body won't expel all the pregnancy tissue so I have to schedule a D&C in the next week or so. I'm just numb. I want to be done with it all.