Author Texashunter Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Woke up this morning..there was coffee on my nightstand..I didn't even hear her go to work..went down stairs and a note on the microwave. Hey, made y'all some bacon and eggs for breakfast. I put it in the microwave for y'all this morning. Then a Card on my windshield..I can't write what it said but this is the first time I've ever seen her doing something like this for us..a bit little surprised to be honest. 4
Author Texashunter Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 TH, sorry for your loss. Slow down there turbo..lol he hasn't passed. He just had one small stroke followed by a second good one. Lost feeling on left side of face, arm and leg. Still waiting to hear how things go. But alive he still is.. Just seems like nothing ever gets better in my life..I need a break please..just something good in my life to bring me back from the edge..
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Woke up this morning..there was coffee on my nightstand..I didn't even hear her go to work..went down stairs and a note on the microwave. Hey, made y'all some bacon and eggs for breakfast. I put it in the microwave for y'all this morning. Then a Card on my windshield..I can't write what it said but this is the first time I've ever seen her doing something like this for us..a bit little surprised to be honest. This^^^^^^^ made me smile 4
QuietDan Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Slow down there turbo..lol he hasn't passed. He just had one small stroke followed by a second good one. Lost feeling on left side of face, arm and leg. Still waiting to hear how things go. But alive he still is.. Just seems like nothing ever gets better in my life..I need a break please..just something good in my life to bring me back from the edge.. The new baby on the way.... Your children..... Another day to explore the world with your children. Some of the daily blessings in life taken for granted. Think about the blessings and joys that remain... Perhaps, thinking about these will help... 1
Author Texashunter Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 So I'm dreading next Monday..It would have been our 13yr anniversary...it's making me sick thinking about it..I hate our anniversary date so much now..it means nothing to me anymore and I wish I could just sleep through that day waking up not even noticing it had come and gone.. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 So I'm dreading next Monday..It would have been our 13yr anniversary...it's making me sick thinking about it..I hate our anniversary date so much now..it means nothing to me anymore and I wish I could just sleep through that day waking up not even noticing it had come and gone.. It still is your 13th anniversary....there is no would have been unless you divorced or died. You have the power to make it a special day th... a day of renewal... a day of new beginnings What do you think will benefit the both of you the most? Having a negative gloom and doom day? Or a day of positive hope for the future? It's up to you... which will it be? My affair was in October ... for christmas he bought me a new ring and we said our vows to each other....it meant more to me than I can ever tell you... because it said he still loved me ... There are those who would disagree with what he did...fortunately they are not the ones that count. 33 years later th... we are happier than we have ever been... This too is possible for you my friend 2
Author Texashunter Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 For me it was a day we made vows to each other and she broke them all..I can't celebrate something she couldn't keep..to me we may be married legally but other wise I don't see her as a wife..she broke to much to hold that title with me. I'm just trying to work on not blowing up on her everyday..baby steps..but I won't be celebrating or doing anything that day.. 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 For me it was a day we made vows to each other and she broke them all..I can't celebrate something she couldn't keep..to me we may be married legally but other wise I don't see her as a wife..she broke to much to hold that title with me. I'm just trying to work on not blowing up on her everyday..baby steps..but I won't be celebrating or doing anything that day.. Th... if you do reconcile ... years from now you will regret the words you have said. She is still your wife... she is still the mother of your children... yes she broke her vows ... but the two of you are trying to rebuild a new life together. You have a new baby coming. A new start... and if you don't love her anymore then let her go... If you don't love her what are you holding on to? Remember mercy said you have to love her more than you hate what she did. Do you?
Author Texashunter Posted June 22, 2017 Author Posted June 22, 2017 I just don't think I'm there yet..anger and pain is still to much right now.
understand50 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I just don't think I'm there yet..anger and pain is still to much right now. TH, I think you are spending too much time wallowing in your hurt and pain. It has become the new normal. If you want to get better you will need to take active steps to move past your hurt and pain. I am not suggesting you just "get over it", but that you look at what your wife may be doing to try and make it better, give her some credit, and allow yourself to feel good about the new baby. Lastly remember, while you will never forget, you can shape your future. Living in the bad past will not make anyone life better. I wish you luck.... 2
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 TH, why are you still with her? Just curious. This is what I wonder. I also wonder what kind of men your children will grow up to be when they watch you punish your wife for 18 years. Because that IS what you are doing. Be honest.
BluesPower Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 This is what I wonder. I also wonder what kind of men your children will grow up to be when they watch you punish your wife for 18 years. Because that IS what you are doing. Be honest. Do you think that TH has not been punished enough. His reactions are completely normal for a lot of guys. Yes he is having a particularly hard time, but her affair was particularly bad. Further, as much as Ruined wants to think that she is "Very Remorseful" for her affair. She is not, it is actually far to early for her to reach this point in her emotions and processing to bet there. She may be sorry. She is certainly sorry that she got caught. And, frankly she has said some really callous and stupid things to her husband. Also, He may never be able to get over this, some men can't. But it helps to have a giving and empathetic wife that is helping you heal rather than a brat that is upset she got caught. Have you ever been on the receiving end of infidelity? I am wondering?
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 TH....there are differing approaches to healing....and none of us can say which one is best for you and your wife. I think some men....just simply CANNOT accept betrayal. They just can't. and there is absolutey nothing wrong with that. They are who they are...their principles have been compromised...they are angry and the anger is just too much for them to get over and the betrayal is just too much for them to forgive. There are many fellas here that fit into this catagory....and they divorced...because it was the RIGHT thing for them to do. Often...they find a new relationship and are able to move forward...never forgetting of course...but they can and do obtain happiness again. We have fellas who stay for varying reasons....children...money. They never really have a good relationship with their waywards again...mostly because they forever remain the victim and they simply cannot help reminding the wayward of what she did. We have some fellas here that fit into this catagory...not quite ever happy again.. forever blaming their wives for destroying their lives....but still remaining married....a form of reconciliation...but never reaching a plateau of healing but rather one of settling. I think of all the catagories of betrayed...this is the one that breaks my heart the most. The wayward...never gives them what they seek...and so they remain in a place of unforgiveness and bitterness. They feel trapped in a marriage that they do not really want...but they cannot seem to move forward. And then you have some men...who truly love their wives and are willing to hang on for dear life. These are the fellas who are able to love their wives more than they hated what she did. They do just as much work as they wayward to reach a compromise. They understand what reconcilation really means and are willing to work toward it. They understand that it takes time and patience...but mostly love. These men stay....and for the most part...have a good life again....becasue they work on it. They take an active part in trying to accomplish healing...not only for the realationship...but for themselves. If you truly desire reconciliation...then you set that as the goal...and you work toward it. Down the road...you may decide it just wasn't worth it....and you divorce. But MY fear for you is that you are sitting there WAITING to decide what you want. It's like you think one day you will wake up and have an answer. I dont think it works that way. I think you either work toward reconciliation or you divorce. But I dont think you can sit for months trying to make up your mind...becasue thats where you will stay. You seem too angry and too frozen to move toward something...whichever one is right for you. Even if you were to proceed with divorce...you could be like Mr. Blunt or DKT3...who divorced...and later remarried. But my point is...you simply cannot sit and wallow in self pity and anger...and project that on to Ruined every day. She will grow to resent you throwing it up in her face every day. Thats what forgiveness is you know....you will never forget....she knows that....but forgiving her means you also allow her to live without the constant reminder that she did this to you. If you cannot get past your anger toward her...you will destroy the both of you. It will eat you alive.... I hope and pray you are in individual therapy to help you deal with that anger.... Anyway...there are days i see hope in your story...and days I see self destruction....and i never know from day to day what you will present. I know if this is what we all here see...then what does ruined see? I asked you do you love her more than you hate what she did...and you said you are not there yet. So let me rephrase the question....CAN you love her more than you hate what she did? If your answer is no...then cut her loose. Becasue you have the answer you seem to be waiting on to make a decision. 1
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Mrs. Adams' post is so good. There is no failing in saying, "I just can't accept this and stay married." I mean, religious or not, there's a reason adultery is even a reason for adultery in the Bible. It's a BIG DEAL. Just please don't be one of those men for whom the reward of seeing his WW suffer is worth his own suffering too.
DKT3 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I don't see his wife making any genuine movement, what I see is someone just doing things to make him happy in general. This isn't giving him what he needs to move forward. I'm getting to much "enjoy your crap sandwich" vibes in alot of these replies. I was able to move on from my anger in part because we had separation, but the majority of it was my wife working her azz off to become a safe authentic partner. In see this I reflected on my own shortcomings. I understand this anger, I was there and this anger element was a huge part of my filing for divorce. I couldn't risk my kids seeing me lose control, at that point my relationship with them was all I had, my thinking was I'm not going to risk that for her. TH needs to start moving forward, I agree. However, she isn't helping, not really. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I don't see his wife making any genuine movement, what I see is someone just doing things to make him happy in general. This isn't giving him what he needs to move forward. I'm getting to much "enjoy your crap sandwich" vibes in alot of these replies. I was able to move on from my anger in part because we had separation, but the majority of it was my wife working her azz off to become a safe authentic partner. In see this I reflected on my own shortcomings. I understand this anger, I was there and this anger element was a huge part of my filing for divorce. I couldn't risk my kids seeing me lose control, at that point my relationship with them was all I had, my thinking was I'm not going to risk that for her. TH needs to start moving forward, I agree. However, she isn't helping, not really. well...I do see movement. What you interpret as trying to make him happy..is effort on her part to do what she knows to do to make him feel safer. She has no idea yet how much work she has to do...and as she grows to understand that...she will do more...but right now...in the place that she is...she is attempting to do things to help him. You divorced....obviously...your wife was not doing what you needed and you took a stand to do what was right for you. How long did it take for you to see what you were looking for? He has that same option....but to not work toward some kind of goal...to sit and wait for it to happen ...is not getting anywhere. I am not telling ANYONE they have to settle and eat a crap sandwich....no one should have to do that.... I am saying...if you want to reconcile...then work toward it...and if you dont think it is worthwhile...divorce. But you cannot sit and expect your wife to work WITH you toward reconciliation if you are constantly angry and reminding her that she did this to you. She has a ton of work to do...I am right there with you...but she doesn't need her face shoved in it. Sometimes the way to healing is to heal.....thats what a wayward does. She helps to heal her husband...and in return receives her own healing. Reconciliation is the both of them working together toward the common goal. Not one of them screaming at the other one.... you horrible person...HEAL ME!!!! 1
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I don't see his wife making any genuine movement, what I see is someone just doing things to make him happy in general. This isn't giving him what he needs to move forward. I'm getting to much "enjoy your crap sandwich" vibes in alot of these replies. I was able to move on from my anger in part because we had separation, but the majority of it was my wife working her azz off to become a safe authentic partner. In see this I reflected on my own shortcomings. I understand this anger, I was there and this anger element was a huge part of my filing for divorce. I couldn't risk my kids seeing me lose control, at that point my relationship with them was all I had, my thinking was I'm not going to risk that for her. TH needs to start moving forward, I agree. However, she isn't helping, not really. I think part of her doesn;t really KNOW what to do. Sometimes when you're kind of consumed with your own pain (which I know is a problem in itself) you're kind of clueless about how to help somebody else. That's one way forums can be valuable. Former WS like Mrs. Adams can share what they did to help their spouse feel safer. When you had your emotional affair with someone, what did you do to help your wife? maybe those same suggestions will help ruined. Because they topic of this thread is TH not being able to understand or get past his wife's affair, any suggestions might help her know how to help him achieve the goal of this thread.
DKT3 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I think part of her doesn;t really KNOW what to do. Sometimes when you're kind of consumed with your own pain (which I know is a problem in itself) you're kind of clueless about how to help somebody else. That's one way forums can be valuable. Former WS like Mrs. Adams can share what they did to help their spouse feel safer. When you had your emotional affair with someone, what did you do to help your wife? maybe those same suggestions will help ruined. Because they topic of this thread is TH not being able to understand or get past his wife's affair, any suggestions might help her know how to help him achieve the goal of this thread. First off, I never had any affair of any kind. I'm unaware how single people can have affairs. Secondly, she has many posts of ideals 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 First off, I never had any affair of any kind. I'm unaware how single people can have affairs. Secondly, she has many posts of ideals but DKT3....John and i struggled for many years becasue i did not know WHAT he wanted me to do and HE did not know what he wanted me to do either. ALl he knew was...he wanted to feel safe...he wanted to know i understood how badly i hurt him. But he could not tell me what it was i needed to DO for him. I did what i thought was the right thing. Transparency...boundaries....kindness....thoughtfulness..patience. and all of those things are good...and right....but how many waywards understand remorse in its truest sense of the word? and how long does it take them to "get it?" She is just as blind and confused as TH is.He doesn't know what to tell her wansts and needs and SHe doesn't know what he wants and needs. Neither of them has ever been through this before...and sometimes those if us who have loose our patience and think...come on...get with the program!!! It takes TIME and understanding and it mostly takes love. This is why i keep asking him about love. If he does not love her anymore...it's over. Why would you attempt to reconcile with someone you no longer love? So i ask again...TH...do you love her? and can you love her more than you hate what she did? 1
harrybrown Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 My son felt like his ex wife's cheating and betrayal murdered the marriage. That marriage is now legally dead as well. If you do not want to celebrate, tell your wife about how it bothers you. you do not have to celebrate it. Some do not want to carry around the corpse of the old murdered marriage, while they try to build on a new foundation. new foundation may be better than the old cracked foundation. Sometimes R means having to build a new marriage. it will never be easy. Good luck to you, but tell each other how you feel. hope you can find a way to deal with the old issues, because you can't rugsweep the old problems and pain. the pain has to be dealt with. 1
understand50 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 First off, I never had any affair of any kind. I'm unaware how single people can have affairs. Secondly, she has many posts of ideals DK3, I would disagree with that statement, and I think a younger DK3 did as well. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/535007-mr-perfect-not-so-perfect I think your thread speaks for itself on this. This is not to say that your opinion is wrong, or that you should not speak up, but you do need to own your past. In answer to your post, we must acknowledge when a WS does try and do the right thing. I am sure that many times you did not believe that Loving was really being remorseful and real. On some posts, you have beaten yourself up a bit on how you acted towards Loving at the time of the divorce. Others post have been more angry for what she did. I think you are a good case in point where both apply, you morn you hurt her, but a part of her remains angry about what she did. You and Loving managed to reconcile and bring in to the world new life. So in the end, I hope you both are where you want to be. Learning how to deal with cheating is a long term and ongoing process, and we all must realize that each case is different, and that each couple is different, but we are not born with knowing how to do this. TH and Ruined are learning, and there are going to be bumps, but along as each try, then there is hope. I wish you luck.....
doble Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 DKT was single and had a relationship with another forum member. Hope S. Not an affair. His now wife just gave birth to their child, and I think DK felt trapped by her. He then got it on with HS while in reconciliation mode. While not an affair, still poor judgement, how can you get involved with another woman when you are trying to reconcile. A lot of the thread was censored, I mean moderated aswas those by HS. HS was foolish for getting involved, but nothing new for her. She has disappeared. TH is in a whole different situation. So how anyone could compare this to DK is ridiculous. Honestly I don't think TH can get over what Ruined did, and I doubt Ruined understands the consequences of her affair, and videos having sex with OM. Talk about mind movies.
DKT3 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 DK3, I would disagree with that statement, and I think a younger DK3 did as well. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/535007-mr-perfect-not-so-perfect I think your thread speaks for itself on this. This is not to say that your opinion is wrong, or that you should not speak up, but you do need to own your past. In answer to your post, we must acknowledge when a WS does try and do the right thing. I am sure that many times you did not believe that Loving was really being remorseful and real. On some posts, you have beaten yourself up a bit on how you acted towards Loving at the time of the divorce. Others post have been more angry for what she did. I think you are a good case in point where both apply, you morn you hurt her, but a part of her remains angry about what she did. You and Loving managed to reconcile and bring in to the world new life. So in the end, I hope you both are where you want to be. Learning how to deal with cheating is a long term and ongoing process, and we all must realize that each case is different, and that each couple is different, but we are not born with knowing how to do this. TH and Ruined are learning, and there are going to be bumps, but along as each try, then there is hope. I wish you luck..... Lovin and I were not . We had hit a brick wall. I had an opportunity to get a much less stressful career in another State. The move had been discussed in great detail. However, as the time approached she became hesitate. The move would mean uprooting the kids, giving up her business. It was something she wasn't sure she wanted to do with a man who had said he would never marry her. She told me she wouldn't hold me, she was done being selfish even if it meant we won't be together. She ended our relationship and I moved. It was during this time it happened. It was only a few weeks, but I was always honest with both. Poor judgement, searching for some comfort, but in no way an affair.
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