DKT3 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Title is what someone said to me just the other day. Just to be clear, what im about to talk about isnt an affair in the normal sense that we normally talk about here. My SO (LOVIN) not only knew about it, but allowed me the room to do it. She did have some rules, such as women who were off limits. Her intent behind it and how I took it is were thing get fuzzy, more on that later. The background that some are aware of is, in March of this year some things happened (not related to infidelity) that made me question my desire to move forward in the relationship. Some were things that I carried throughout her time being pregnant. Others happened afterwards. In any event, I postponed the wedding that was set to happen in mid May, to the fall at its earliest. In the meantime the stress and commitment of my job had me looking for something different, something more morally even where my decisions didnt hold such a heavy impact. Lovin and I talked this out in great detail and she was 100% on broad. Until....When I sent out resumes I did so to three States, my birth State, the State where we both grow up and met and a throw away for kicks and giggles. The replies were quick, and the options very good. Again lovin and I spoke in great detail. We reach what I thought was an agreement. As time closed in, she became uncomfortable with the idea of moving to my birth state, selling her business and doing so without MARRIAGE. I cant say I didnt understand. However, this coupled with the other issues had me very much in doubt as to my next move. The point here isnt to discuss the other woman so I will be short here and wonr entertain any questions about her. We were FRIENDS, however there was always an underlying attraction there that we both held at arms lenght. That friendship slowly crossed the line. Lovin was aware of this relationship, and this other woman was aware of our situation. They may disagree but I was 100% honest with both every step of the way. The first issue here, is how I got to this point and how I took advantage in parts, of both women. With lovin, I really knew all along what she meant with her offer of a "FREE PASS" it wasnt to become emotionally tangled with another woman, it was for the ONS kind of thing. However in my male mind as long as I wasnt having sex then I was well within the parameters that she set. There was absolutely no physical contact, in this very short "thing". I f.cked up, I was a selfish a--hole, that hide behind "as long as im being honest". Well the truth is MY actiond hurt both women, for that im sorry. In many ways I feel that what i did to lovin was worse then what she did to me. Even through it was brief it was something that my HONEST approach forced her to deal with, at a time when our total focus should have been the baby. I dont know where we will go from here. We are together NOW. That relationship with the other woman is totally over. I own my actions 100% . The women here are not to blame or at fault, I did this. Im sharing because I feel I owe it to so many of you to be open and honest. PS, sorry for typos, new phone and I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Well, this is pretty vague. What, exactly, did you do? If there was no physical contact, was it an EA? Part of being sorry and remorseful means maning up and admitting the cold, hard truth of what you've done. Face that sh it head on with courage and valor. Don't dress it up with vagueness little hints and pretty language. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Well, this is pretty vague. What, exactly, did you do? If there was no physical contact, was it an EA? Part of being sorry and remorseful means maning up and admitting the cold, hard truth of what you've done. Face that sh it head on with courage and valor. Don't dress it up with vagueness little hints and pretty language. I got emotionally invested in this woman. There was no physical contact, but much talk of it. Yes, you could say an EA, some have made suggestions of a RA, its a little late in the game for that. At the end of the day it wad fools gold. It was making me feel better about myself and for failing in this 25 year relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Yes, you’ve conveniently left out some parts. And yes I was emotionally invested too. Like the fact that I broke it off when Lovin moved to live with you in your home state because I couldn’t do it anymore, despite your telling me “it doesn’t change anything” and wanting to continue. Then the days of anger and vitriol, culminating in your feeling the need to send PMs to people with outright lies about me and attacking my character – as recently as yesterday. That last part hurt more than everything combined. All the way though when you kept telling me “she knew” I became more and more upset about how this could possibly be true. Clearly she didn’t know everything. I take my blame for this. I am no saint - far from it. I made a huge mistake getting involved in this mess and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I hope that you and lovin can get through this, and more than anything I regret the role I played in it. All I want is for it to be over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Dude, did you have a freaking EA with Hopeshimmers!?!?? DA' fuuuuuuu ck? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. I'm speechless. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I did wonder when on another thread you appeared to be in private message contact with each other. I think when people are vulnerable that is a bad idea. Oh dear me.......... What are your plans to deal with this ? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 If that is the case, we are here for the both of you, just be honest because nobody wins if you lie to people that honestly just want to help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Lol. Come on man...this has got to be the worst place on earth to pick up chicks. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 If you're going to go ahead and put it out there, DKT3, you should at least get real. At least HS has. She stated above there was behind the scenes name-calling and blame-casting going on as recently as yesterday. If that's the case, let's just put it all on the table. You can't behave like that and then put on a totally different face on this forum. If you are going to come to all of us and say it was your fault, then stop with the other sh*t. If you don't want the women in your life to get hurt, then stop hurting them. We already know none of us are perfect. So let's not pretend otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Lol. Come on man...this has got to be the worst place on earth to pick up chicks. Are you saying the women here are not worthy of a relationship? I know you said it jokingly, but I dont believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Are you saying the women here are not worthy of a relationship? I know you said it jokingly, but I dont believe that. Not saying that at all. It just seemed to be an inappropriate place to do it. Like bringing a 12 pack to an AA meeting. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) And this is why, when I joined this site, I decided to not PM with any men as friends. Personal stuff is shared on this site and I recognized the fact, based on my experience, that the sharing could lead to inappropriate things when the convo was brought offline. TBH, DKT3, after all you've written, I'm surprised that you didn't recognize that fact as well. You can offer all the excuses you like ("stress and commitment" "lovin knew and was on board" "some things happened") but even though it wasn't "an affair in a normal sense"...you broke boundaries. You disrespected and hurt people. I totally understand that no one is perfect. I am a prime example of that. But after everything you have written and shared on this board, it is both shocking and disappointing to me that you moved forward with these actions thinking they were okay for you, your partner, and especially your newborn child. I hope that you start working on some healthy coping skills for yourself and your family. Edited June 26, 2015 by Bittersweetie Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Lol. Come on man...this has got to be the worst place on earth to pick up chicks. Dang. Now you tell me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 I did wonder when on another thread you appeared to be in private message contact with each other. I think when people are vulnerable that is a bad idea. Oh dear me.......... What are your plans to deal with this ? Hope and I were really good friends for some time, it was that last little bit where we crossed the line. There is no going back now. Lovin and I have made plans to devote 100% to our relationship. One last best try. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Honestly I don't get how a man and woman believe they can be friends on a forum like this having gone through what you all have. I think you need more than 100% into your marriage. What about some counseling? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I am pretty sure I called you out on wayward thinking in one of your posts. Maybe it's time to re familiarize yourselves with Not Just Friends. My best wishes to you all moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Hope and I were really good friends for some time, it was that last little bit where we crossed the line. There is no going back now. Yes it was only a few weeks, but you are minimizing it and you know it. You are making it sound like it was no big deal when that was NOT the case. Obviously I'm not going to go into the details here, but it would be nice it you would just admit things instead of all this minimizing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I got emotionally invested in this woman. There was no physical contact, but much talk of it. Yes, you could say an EA, some have made suggestions of a RA, its a little late in the game for that. At the end of the day it wad fools gold. It was making me feel better about myself and for failing in this 25 year relationship. DTK3, You off all people, A lot of members here for sure were taking your words almost as meaningfull and valuable as the words of OW, but now, You have your happy family, a loving wife who I respect for her honnesty, you have a new child, and than pry on a woman that you know off is having a hard time and than as she says try to character murder her is very,.................. just can't say it wow man, sounds like: January 26, 1998) ... I'm going to [COLOR=#6a6a6a]say[/COLOR] this again: I [COLOR=#6a6a6a]did[/COLOR] not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss ... What a L..... ( opp of winner) Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 If you're going to go ahead and put it out there, DKT3, you should at least get real. At least HS has. She stated above there was behind the scenes name-calling and blame-casting going on as recently as yesterday. If that's the case, let's just put it all on the table. You can't behave like that and then put on a totally different face on this forum. If you are going to come to all of us and say it was your fault, then stop with the other sh*t. If you don't want the women in your life to get hurt, then stop hurting them. We already know none of us are perfect. So let's not pretend otherwise. What she says and what actually happened isnt the same. Yes there was PM's, but that was in response to what I was told. I dont know what she was told but what I said was true. I didnt lie to anyone about anything. It was the events as I saw them. This thread isnt about a peep show, it was to discuss how I allowed myself to slide down this road and how im planning to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I got nothing......... I guess, the only thing you both can do is try and get along on LS, and keep NC when it comes to emailing each other. I myself would think that your opinions would be missed here, if you both left. I do think it may help if you opened a thread and both stated the story from your own sides, as a example. If you both only posted once, and did not comment on each other, maybe helpful to you and to us. I assume that you both reached out to help each other and it went from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 You are making it sound like it was no big deal when that was NOT the case. but it seems like TO HIM it wasn't a big deal. which would mean that he probably lied about the extent of his feelings for you. not even lied... as "played" into the role without actually FEELING those things. OP - counseling & a professional. a forum like this won't help you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I think it would be more helpful if they just recognise their roles and move on. There is no sense in perpetuating the drama for our entertainment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 but it seems like TO HIM it wasn't a big deal. which would mean that he probably lied about the extent of his feelings for you. not even lied... as "played" into the role without actually FEELING those things. OP - counseling & a professional. a forum like this won't help you. Or it could be typical down playing. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 DKT3, I hope you can save your R with Lovin and regain each other's love and trust. Grow back to being a happy family once again. It takes a pair to come back and face up to this like you are doing! Hope, you will heal from all of this in time and find someone that will truly love you, and will always have your best interests at heart. Hang in there a while longer. You both could have disappeared and hid from this, but you both chose to come back and deal with it in a very public fashion. No doubt you both will take some lumps in the process, but at least you are not hiding from it. My hope is that any hard feelings that remain between you two will eventually fade away, and that there can be a truce between the both of you. Best of luck to the both of you! Link to post Share on other sites
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