Author Texashunter Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 I'm trying today, woke up, makes us coffee and breakfast in bed..we have me hanging in the room all morning and it's nice..no affair talking even when she starts crying about it by we have been just holding each other and trying to make today as normal as I can. I just want to lay here and put my hand on her tummy to feel and hear the baby..if for just a day.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Maybe, but she still hasn't truly shown any remorse or genuinely done anything proactive. I can identify with TH. I was also very angry, I didn't have the verbal outburst but does that really matter? I felt what he feels....so I guess the message you're sending is hide your emotions and kiss your wayward wife's backside. DKT3, Normally I agree with everything you post, but this time, I do think you slightly twisted my words. I didn't say hide all of your emotions and kiss your wife's backside. I said fight fair and at some point, decide to see if there is a path forward. That simply holding onto anger and allowing it to grow and grow (egged on by some posters here), doesn't give TH or his wife a way to heal and a future, if that's what they want. They both have to do some work. They both need to re-earn each other's trust. Yes, the trust she broke is going to be harder to earn back, but I don't want to see him - as he's attempting to heal from his hurt - put himself in a place where he has become someone he didn't want to be. He has every right to be angry, but how we act on anger matters. It's the old adage of two wrongs, except lives are at stake. You and Lovin' and Mr. and Mrs. Adams are great examples of remorse and healing. I have the utmost respect for all of you and how you've rebuilt your relationship. But, just as you rebuilt differently than Mr. and Mrs. Adams, TH and his wife have to rebuild their own way. My only point was that encouraging angry outbursts may actually cause more harm than good. Empathizing that he's angry - I'm all over that. Acting out anger, I'm not. Doesn't mean it won't happen sometimes in reconciliation, but it shoudn't be the "go to" response. TH, I read your post! How nice. Enjoy the day. If you guys feel like it, you should each pick out one small thing you would like to do for each other today (it sounds like you already did that with breakfast and bed). Nothing more. Just a small expression of love from one partner to another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Folks I just don't get it... These ladies (and maybe some men) the are bashing TH, and yes it is bashing, about his name calling and anger, could any of you just get real. I know some women also freak out when they find out their husband has had and affair. Ruined on the other hand sounds overall like a selfish spoilt brat. She is so upset because she is being called names. And yes ladies, if they were local they would have been screwing like rabbits every single time they could time to meet somewhere. This affair was real even if some of it or most of it was online. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if she had not been caught it would still be continuing. What about that makes her some kind of special snowflake? What man in his right mind would consider taking back a woman that did that for 18 months until caught? She has so far, been completely unremorseful and apparently she expects TH to just move on and live happily ever after. I am frankly stunned with some of the things that mostly the females are saying. And to an extent even Mrs. JA. Listen, it does not work that way, and it never will. This man provided his wife as much as anyone could want. She got bored, unappreciative, and checked out of the marriage, but she forgot to tell TH. I am not saying that men never do this, but it seems a lot more common that women, get bored and restless and pull this kind of stuff. I think TH has, and still has because of her ambivalence toward him, her affair, and the damage that she has done, every right to be completely angry and pissed off. Good grief... On D day the BS's usually call their WS's bad names. By the end of the first week it is time to stop attacking the WS with the bad names. Do not confuse this with time to get over it. Time to forgive, Time to forget. Time to no longer be mad at the WS. For recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. What we have here is a WW and a BH trying to recover. They state that recovery is their goal. As long as the affair is over. There is NC. The BH can verify NC. Then talk to divorce is not going to help them. They need to be guided through the recovery process. The way to do this is the WW needs to start her own thread. Take her lumps when she is not being authentic. Stay off of her BH's thread. This is his safe place. The BH needs to stay off of his WW's thread for that is her safe place. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 DKT3, Normally I agree with everything you post, but this time, I do think you slightly twisted my words. I didn't say hide all of your emotions and kiss your wife's backside. I said fight fair and at some point, decide to see if there is a path forward. That simply holding onto anger and allowing it to grow and grow (egged on by some posters here), doesn't give TH or his wife a way to heal and a future, if that's what they want. They both have to do some work. They both need to re-earn each other's trust. Yes, the trust she broke is going to be harder to earn back, but I don't want to see him - as he's attempting to heal from his hurt - put himself in a place where he has become someone he didn't want to be. He has every right to be angry, but how we act on anger matters. It's the old adage of two wrongs, except lives are at stake. You and Lovin' and Mr. and Mrs. Adams are great examples of remorse and healing. I have the utmost respect for all of you and how you've rebuilt your relationship. But, just as you rebuilt differently than Mr. and Mrs. Adams, TH and his wife have to rebuild their own way. My only point was that encouraging angry outbursts may actually cause more harm than good. Empathizing that he's angry - I'm all over that. Acting out anger, I'm not. Doesn't mean it won't happen sometimes in reconciliation, but it shoudn't be the "go to" response. TH, I read your post! How nice. Enjoy the day. If you guys feel like it, you should each pick out one small thing you would like to do for each other today (it sounds like you already did that with breakfast and bed). Nothing more. Just a small expression of love from one partner to another. Exactly this WW and BH are seeking help to recover not divorce. Yet people for the most part only are pushing for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Today is going well so far but I still have thought that keep creeping in and out..it's frustrating and I keep repressing it because I don't want to ruin the day. It's making it difficult but I'm still trying as painful as it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Today is going well so far but I still have thought that keep creeping in and out..it's frustrating and I keep repressing it because I don't want to ruin the day. It's making it difficult but I'm still trying as painful as it is. If you haven't watched the movie Fireproof,I would recommend it. If you have seen it in the past, it might be a good time to watch it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 So ended yesterday on a good note sort of. Got triggered for a bit and feeling got off track. Which usually happens but usually blows up a lot. Had some what of a break down for about 1 1/2 hrs. So how I managed to keep it from spiraling out. I was exhausted by the end of the day like I had just run an emotional marathon..but it feels like that everyday. Got up this morning feeling bothered and down on myself. The images rolling through to a point and usually makes for a difficult day and a challenge for me to get done with my work. I'm trying to get ahold on things before it balls up early and boils through out the day till she gets home and I am full on raged from stewing on it all day. Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 So ended yesterday on a good note sort of. Got triggered for a bit and feeling got off track. Which usually happens but usually blows up a lot. Had some what of a break down for about 1 1/2 hrs. So how I managed to keep it from spiraling out. I was exhausted by the end of the day like I had just run an emotional marathon..but it feels like that everyday. Got up this morning feeling bothered and down on myself. The images rolling through to a point and usually makes for a difficult day and a challenge for me to get done with my work. I'm trying to get a hold on things before it balls up early and boils through out the day till she gets home and I am full on raged from stewing on it all day. TH, I am glad to hear this. Are you still seeing the counselor that you felt helped due to the PTSD? I think the above is a great first step, however you need to find a healthy outlet to let go of that stress and anger. Suppressing it won't make it go away. You said you were going back to the gym, do you feel like that helps with the overwhelming feelings? Everyday for awhile is going to feel like an emotional roller coaster, and you will be emotionally exhausted often, but good job on pushing through! For Ruined - The above there from TH? I bet that took some major effort on his part, I hope you are showing him the same. Day before yesterday, I thought this marriage was doomed......Today, perhaps you guys will get there eventually. We are all rooting for you to find your path to healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Trying to play major catch up with work and once I do I'm planning to start hitting the gym again. I lost my drive to go for awhile but need to get back to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart. I also think this marriage is salvageable. There are a lot of good time tested technique to work through most of the issues that they are coping with... If both of them are willing, diciplined, intentional, patient... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Trying to play major catch up with work and once I do I'm planning to start hitting the gym again. I lost my drive to go for awhile but need to get back to it. It will make you feel better and give you an outlet for some of that aggression. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart. Separating does nothing to repair the damage or the trust that was broken. No BH needs to wonder what his WW is up to because they are separated. Separation does nothing to foster re-bonding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Separating does nothing to repair the damage or the trust that was broken. No BH needs to wonder what his WW is up to because they are separated. Separation does nothing to foster re-bonding. I would agree with you in most cases where a marriage has gone south and one partner is looking for an excuse to go out and play the field. But in this case, we have a very angry, traumatized man who is continuously triggering and flying off the handle. I'm recommending a short time apart...no more than a month, just so TH can get his feet under him and cool off a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 We tried separation and it didn't work very well because of the kids..she has been trying to give me space and only coming around when ready..taking baby steps but it's so very difficult to accept everything thing she's done and make me disregard my moral/ethics about cheater and the idea of marriage..sharing herself sexually and wanting another man is something that I just can't get over..living with someone who shared herself with with another man while being married is unforgivable to me.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 We tried separation and it didn't work very well because of the kids..she has been trying to give me space and only coming around when ready..taking baby steps but it's so very difficult to accept everything thing she's done and make me disregard my moral/ethics about cheater and the idea of marriage..sharing herself sexually and wanting another man is something that I just can't get over..living with someone who shared herself with with another man while being married is unforgivable to me.. Okay.... So you are you saying that staying in a marriage just for the kids' sakes, while damning yourself and your wife to a miserable existence together is a better option? Really? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult. Well, she definitely needs to STFU sometimes. How about this...how about you limit your questions about the affair to say...one or two specific times a week? Set aside one hour, maybe every three days, when the kids are not around. During that time you ask her all the questions you need at that time. Then she answers you. Then you have time to think about her answers and then three days later you get together again and have another discussion. You only limit talks about the affair to those specific times. That way you have time to absorb what she said and then you can come back the next time with rebuttals or more questions. This way you aren't just reacting. You are giving yourself time to absorb and think and get your emotions under control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 That's what has been hard..i am trying..but I am weak at this point. I'm trying to gain control over my emotions now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 I've appreciated a lot of the methods given..been a very hit miss kind of thing. My belief in her is and will always be a major obstacle..there have been some suggestions that have changed the way I've been thinking some. Just hard accepting because of how brutal she was to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 But I know at some point I will have to make a move Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult. tell me...what is it you are hoping is going to change? What are you hoping is going to get better? You know that the only person you can control is YOU....so the changes you want to see...either have to come from you...or you walk. You seem to want some kind of miracle...that tomorrow everything is going to be ok. It isn't. This is your life forever. You will always be reminded...she will always say stupid things...you will always get mad....becaseu this is who the two of you are. So tell me TH...what is it you are expecting to change? John still triggers....I still say stupid things. This is our life. The affair is forever a part of our dynamics as a couple. So I guess I am still just trying to figure out what you think is going to change and how it is going to change. Yes things get better...yes things calm down. But she is not changing and neither are you. So can you live with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texashunter Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm just trying to ease the anger at this point..I don't look to the future anymore...there isn't much of one or at least one a care for. Just wanna focus on the baby. Change..there will be no change just less anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 So you have resolved yourself to work on you....which is the RIGHT thing to do...and i am happy to see that you have made this decision. Ruined has to make this same kind of committment. She has to work on herself. She has to learn to filter the thoughtless and insensitive things she says that set you off. She needs to help you feel safe. If you work on yourselves...ultimately you are also working on the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 TH and everyone, help me understand... I am going to go with the group and tacitly agree that TH has to get his anger under control. And he needs to get a handle on his depression even if it requires meds, whether he likes it or not. So OK. What I just cannot understand is where is Ruined in all of this. Her posts, while brave, reek of selfishness, entitlement, lack of anything approaching remorse, and a general lack of understanding about what she is done and how she should be feeling and acting. Pregnant or not, she has to do the heavy lifting and I am just not seeing it. Am I missing something or not understanding something??? I am just asking... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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