Author Texashunter Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) Have you considered she may want you mainly so she keeps her lifestyle she's accustomed to? Very much so..to be honest..I believe that's the only real reason when you look at everything..I've even told her that and she doesn't like that statement...even after the dumped her she did nothing to help our relationship..was the same ole person..hateful These are the reason why I stay in a constant state of confusion when it comes to her..say one thing but does another..her tactic is much like leave your enemy in confusion till they submit.. Edited June 8, 2017 by Texashunter Add 1
BluesPower Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 So in essence, hey you could never be as good as the fantasy world that I turned real. You can never give me those feeling for you because you can't be part of my fantasy..only people who are in my fantasy can recieve that treatment and can fulfill those feeling for me. Sorry bud but you too real..go take care of my kids while I turn all my fantasies into reality....I get part of it..but once it's becomes real..your no longer playing a fantasy..it's there..you can touch and feel it..for instance, at the time she thought the sex was good but once everything was out she says it was no where near the way she thought it was. That it wasn't that good..ok..I can try to accept that..but then say he made you feel the horniest ever in you life..was that then or now? And if now looking back at it and it's true then where was the fantasy? Because your telling someone now that's the reality of it. This telling me that sorry..you just don't make me feel that way but since I've gotten caught I want you..how does one sort through the lies and truths..which was real and which was fantasy..tell someone that at first he just made her horny but now he made her horniest then she's ever felt before in her life..which one was the fantasy and which one is now the truth..either way it's taken why would you wait months after to explain it that was and then try to say at the same time that's not what you meant? This just makes me confused with her explanations.. Ruined, I think the trickle truth is what is going to kill your marriage. You have lied to him again and again. You are still letting all of this stuff out after all of this time. This is one of the reasons the he cannot move on because I will bet that he still has not heard the whole story and every time you add more detail, it sends him back to step one. That is your fault. You were told not to do this from the very beginning and you still did it. Did you think that these people that have already lived through it did not know what they were talking about. I have to say that you seem more like a woman the is afraid of losing her lifestyle and family than your husband. Why, Why, Why did you not believe us to be totally truthful??? 1
OneLov Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Making people worry about me..never my intent at all..never even started this with the idea that people would give a crap..I just wanted to be able to talk and maybe get some help sorting things out. But what the hell do I know..I must be just some pos attention hound..reality my friend isn't that I need attention..just a voice for once..but my bad..should have keep my damn mouth shut and moved on with my sht life right..asking questions and venting ones life issue should be kept to themselves right. Stop making my problems others because that not what this site is for..again my bad.. I'm sorry to all those who wasted their time on my thread and worried about me. Was never my intent to do that to y'all..I need to get my butt back to taking care of my kids and just live with the crap sandwhiches im served And keep eating. I'll just hang my head and trudge on..about only one thing can do right..what does 14 yrs of ones life mean in the grand scheme anyway..just a bunk of the eye and then it's over..I will stop posting..I apologize TH, Respectfully, you need to work on your passive-aggressive communication style. It's not becoming and very ineffective way to communicate. You have a right to disagree and be upset but be assertive about it. For your own sanity, you need to either: a) believe her or b) accept she is incapable of being honest with you. If she is incapable, then you need to call it quits. My advice: separate. You have to try something. Spinning your wheels isn't getting you results. If after a time you miss her--reconcile. If you feel better about your decision--proceed with divorce. And that doesn't mean you will be abandoning your children. Ever heard that saying, "over analysis leads to paralysis?" You're over thinking has got you overwhelmed. If the only reason you're torturing yourself in staying is for the sake of your children, then you're the one locking yourself up in this mental prison. The happiest people are the ones who make decisions--do something! 3
mercy Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Very much so..to be honest..I believe that's the only real reason when you look at everything..I've even told her that and she doesn't like that statement...even after the dumped her she did nothing to help our relationship..was the same ole person..hateful These are the reason why I stay in a constant state of confusion when it comes to her..say one thing but does another..her tactic is much like leave your enemy in confusion till they submit.. You do realize you're punishing and blaming yourself, right? You plead for truth and details and when you get them you destroy yourself over and over again. You're out of your mind with grief. You're not going to leave, she isn't either. Just please be aware and mindful of how you are treating yourself. You're in IC, why isn't she? And there's no such thing as no time.
Cephalopod Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 So in essence, hey you could never be as good as the fantasy world that I turned real. You can never give me those feeling for you because you can't be part of my fantasy..only people who are in my fantasy can recieve that treatment and can fulfill those feeling for me. Sorry bud but you too real..go take care of my kids while I turn all my fantasies into reality....I get part of it..but once it's becomes real..your no longer playing a fantasy..it's there..you can touch and feel it..for instance, at the time she thought the sex was good but once everything was out she says it was no where near the way she thought it was. That it wasn't that good..ok..I can try to accept that..but then say he made you feel the horniest ever in you life..was that then or now? And if now looking back at it and it's true then where was the fantasy? Because your telling someone now that's the reality of it. This telling me that sorry..you just don't make me feel that way but since I've gotten caught I want you..how does one sort through the lies and truths..which was real and which was fantasy..tell someone that at first he just made her horny but now he made her horniest then she's ever felt before in her life..which one was the fantasy and which one is now the truth..either way it's taken why would you wait months after to explain it that was and then try to say at the same time that's not what you meant? This just makes me confused with her explanations.. Well here is the deal...I agree with S2B as far as how affair sex and marital sex are different. I'm not sure I agree that she wants you around just for the lifestyle...but I can see how her behavior is not matching up with her words. Understant TH that your wife's words are most likely coming from a real place, but her actions may just be having a hard time keeping pace. It is not uncommon for waywards to not come to a true sense of remorse and empathy until years after DDay, and then only after they have done a ton of work on themselves. I get the sense your wife is sincere, but is struggling to find her footing, and at some point youi have to accept that and work with that reality until she can come to a place where the real remorseful behaviors begin to kick in. Now I'm going to play devil's advocate here. TH you cannot demand that your WW be honest with you about the sex, and then turn around and hold it against her when she answers truthfully. That's a dick move brother, and you need to either swallow the **** or not ask the questions at all, or wait to ask those questions down the road when you are a little more emotionally stable. SB2 has a lot of stuff right about affair sex. In some ways it is "better" in that it is more exciting due to the danger, naughtiness and riskiness involved in its planning and execution. These factors boost the adrenaline, and magnify all those feel-good chemicals that swish around the brain when people undergo this kind of affair (dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, endorphines...). Such emotions and feelings are extremely, extremely addictive. The onslaught of these chemicals never occurred with her when you and her were dating and falling in love, simply because there was nothing illicit, dangerous or risky about your courtship. Her boyfriend didn't make her "horny". Her boyfriend got her addicted to the euphoria of cheating. She was jonesing for a fix. She was feeling the same excitement and euphoria a meth addict feels when she scores a bag of rock and grabs her pipe to light up. So if you look at it in this light, maybe you can more clearly understand where your wife is coming from. Her boyfriend was not a "better" lover than you. He just got her hooked on a feeling, and he exploited her stupidity. 4
Cephalopod Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 You do realize you're punishing and blaming yourself, right? You plead for truth and details and when you get them you destroy yourself over and over again. But this is the process see? The betrayed spouse HAS to go through this to get to the other side. Working through the truth is the only path to true healing, and sometimes that means letting the truth kick the hell out of you, over and over. 1
Cephalopod Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Any person who says one thing and does another makes themselves a liar. When actions and words don't match there's a lie in there. Wanting her lifestyle only means she's using you. She can't use you if you stop allowing that! I don't think that is the case here, or at least that is not the way I'm reading this. It seems to me that a lot of her inability to "act" out her remorse is due to paralysis by fear. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. She's afraid to make any move, for fear it will be the wrong one. She wants to do what is right for TH, but every time she tries something he jerks her chain and she is back to square one. You get your chain jerked enough and eventually you don't want to move at all. I agree that a separation might be good for the two of them. She needs to go stay somewhere safe while TH gets his mind and emotions under control. It may take a few months, but if she really works hard on herself during that time and is available to TH to answer questions, maybe he can find some footing and they can start to make some progress.
Author Texashunter Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 The onslaught of these chemicals never occurred with her when you and her were dating and falling in love, simply because there was nothing illicit, dangerous or risky about your courtship. Her boyfriend didn't make her "horny". Her boyfriend got her addicted to the euphoria of cheating. She was jonesing for a fix. She was feeling the same excitement and euphoria a meth addict feels when she scores a bag of rock and grabs her pipe to light up. So if you look at it in this light, maybe you can more clearly understand where your wife is coming from. Her boyfriend was not a "better" lover than you. He just got her hooked on a feeling, and he exploited her stupidity. It's hard for me to understand and look at it that way. I think because she doesn't understand it as well and then describes it to me it comes out worse..making me feel lease adequate as a man..her saying well he made me feel horniest that I've ever felt in my life is devastating..it then make me question myself as a man she chose to even marry. She constantly tells me something and when I question it or ask more about it she says she's sorry that not what I meant..so for me when she says that it's like wow why are you staying with me if I've never excited you that much..it's like blow after vlownfrom her and it just pulls me further and further down. Who want someone to stay with you if your sexually inadequate to them and can only provide safety and a nice lifestyle. It sends me furthe into a tail spin and makes me say why try? I can't turn her on but I can buy her new outfits and such..I feel like that's all I am to her. But very insight full..I wish she would start thinking about what she says before saying..be honest but actually takentime to actually think about the situation..don't say something and then try to retract it..
Author Texashunter Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 I don't think that is the case here, or at least that is not the way I'm reading this. It seems to me that a lot of her inability to "act" out her remorse is due to paralysis by fear. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. She's afraid to make any move, for fear it will be the wrong one. She wants to do what is right for TH, but every time she tries something he jerks her chain and she is back to square one. You get your chain jerked enough and eventually you don't want to move at all. I agree that a separation might be good for the two of them. She needs to go stay somewhere safe while TH gets his mind and emotions under control. It may take a few months, but if she really works hard on herself during that time and is available to TH to answer questions, maybe he can find some footing and they can start to make some progress. We tried separating but it devastated the kids and now with her being pregnant that would be hard for me..I like being able to talk to it and listen to the heart beat most night..I try to spend most of the day with the boys and then when she comes home give her space to either hang with the kids or do something without me in her butt constantly. Jerking her chain isn't what I'm trying to do, but it's like why have you described these things to me before..it's like ok he is calmed or frustrated let me drop the new bomb on him and then freak out with my reaction..I think most people would react the same way. I try to control it but some things are a lot more harsh when you hear her say it and then try to retract it. If anyone chain has been jerked it's been mine..her saying she wants to be honest and transparent, saying she's told me everything but then bam right in the face from left field..but I hear what you say.
GoldenR Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 The item that came out last night was that the AP made me feel 'horny'....more than I had felt that way probably ever. That is why I desired the act of sex with him and not my husband. I know I have said that before, but the "ever in my life" aspect is what TH is hung up on now. Jesus....that would be a tough pill to swallow. RML, how on earth can he NOT feel like your plan B?
mercy Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 But this is the process see? The betrayed spouse HAS to go through this to get to the other side. Working through the truth is the only path to true healing, and sometimes that means letting the truth kick the hell out of you, over and over. I know, I lived it.
SoulStorm Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 So RML, If TH told you that a woman made him feel hornier than he ever felt in his life and he was having sex with her..how would you take that?
understand50 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 TexasHunter, If you ask hard questions, and you demand truth, then you will get hard answers back. You have to prepare yourself for the worst, and give credit to your wife when she answer honestly. I think you know the main of "what" happened, you are now delving into "Why" and more. You must accept the pain you are asking for, or not ask. I wish you luck....
Cephalopod Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 So RML, If TH told you that a woman made him feel hornier than he ever felt in his life and he was have sex with her..how would you take that? Yeah but if you could go back in time to when she and TH were dating and falling in love, she would probably be telling any of her ex-boyfriends that TH was the best sex she ever had. When you're addicted to someone the sex is just better.
DKT3 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I don't see a wife who is even the slightest bit remorseful. My wife and I both post here, her not so much anymore but we've been around several years. Never once has she liked a post that was negative towards me nor have I. RML actually likes a post that was harsh. May sound like a little thing, but it's says alot about her true feelings. In my opinion, there is nothing to save, you are both going through the motions. TH is gone but he can't admit it, and RML has been gone, thus the other guy. Save the kids the drawn out drama and splits. Like the saying goes, it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one. This home and marriage is about as broken as I've seen here. 1
QuietDan Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I need to chime in here, too.....Thank you to those waywards and former waywards who have spoken up. I am taking your advice, even if I am not posting here about it every day. I usually get onto the forum to see if anything has been added, but don't typically have the time to post replies. I want to say that I DO love my husband VERY much and I am doing everything I can think of to show him that. I desperately and with all of my being want to salvage a relationship with him. What I did is so despicable and I am completely ashamed of all of it. He did not deserve this from me or from anyone. I am trying so very hard to tell him and show him that HE is the man I want, I CHOOSE him and I love him. I made the biggest 'mistake' of my life....and I have owned up to it 100% The issue that persists is that he still does not believe me (which I understand) and seems to want me to have had deeper feelings and thought more about what I was doing at the time. And that is just not the case. The item that came out last night was that the AP made me feel 'horny'....more than I had felt that way probably ever. That is why I desired the act of sex with him and not my husband. I know I have said that before, but the "ever in my life" aspect is what TH is hung up on now. And I understand that. I was answering his questions as honestly as I possibly can, and that is the way I said it, whereas before I had just said "AP made me horny." I know that what I have done is disgusting and cheap and has hurt my husband and my family more than I could ever have imagined. But I have been and continue to be honest and transparent about what I did and how I felt. I want to help him through this. I love him. I know we can be happy if he can ever allow it. And I know it will take time. I don't want to waste any more time, though. I wasted 18 months of our lives making the wrong choices and for the wrong reasons. And now we are 7 months post DD and these last few weeks have felt even worse than the first few. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them ever again. And I won't. I won't allow it. I don't want to live my life the way I did during the affair. I have changed and continue to grow and change. Ruined my love, Let me translate to what would generally be the equivalent statement that a man could make to his wife during marriage restoration... Imagined TH had an affair... then at this state of the recovery he says the following...after you ask him why. He is staying married to you because you were better at sex... So why did he have the affair??? He tells you he "Loved her more than anybody he has ever loved in his entire life". She was his soul mate. He had a deep and meaningful connection with her. He could open up and talk to her about his most intimate deepest part of his inner being and felt free and liberated to be himself. But since he is married to you, and you are much better in bed, a much better more creative and reliable sex partner, he plans on staying with you. 3
road Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 A man working on recovery is not helped being told to divorce his wife. I have seen worst affair stories and those marriages were recovered. 2
Author Texashunter Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 She sounds cruel. She's pregnant? Do you think it's your child? Yes it is my kid, the affair was a one time thing and she hadn't done anything with anyone else.. when it came all out I figured there would have been a few others but that was all in my head. The reality is this was the first time she had even let anyone get that close. It happened so fast and drew her in so quickly she got trapped. She has said she would do DNA test if I wanted to on all the kids..which I very well may still do but if you saw these kids you'd say the day thing..dude these are definitely you boys..they all look very much like me. But your not being cruel, I believe that is a very valid question and anyone man who has to go through this has to ask that same question..everything is now questionable.
Author Texashunter Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 (edited) Ruined my love, Let me translate to what would generally be the equivalent statement that a man could make to his wife during marriage restoration... Imagined TH had an affair... then at this state of the recovery he says the following...after you ask him why. He is staying married to you because you were better at sex... So why did he have the affair??? He tells you he "Loved her more than anybody he has ever loved in his entire life". She was his soul mate. He had a deep and meaningful connection with her. He could open up and talk to her about his most intimate deepest part of his inner being and felt free and liberated to be himself. But since he is married to you, and you are much better in bed, a much better more creative and reliable sex partner, he plans on staying with you. You hit the nail on the head..I just tried putting it to her that way lastnight.. maybe you all can see into this better than me but..I sat and talked with her about the horny thing..she claims at the time because she had let our sex life go to sht..well meeting him gave her a spark and she desired him a lot..she wanted sex with him because he made her feel sexy and desired again by his pursuit. So she was willing to have sex because she felt it was part of it and he wanted it. Sonit made her want it as well. She thought the sex was better than it really was during the time but now looking back it was no where close to what we have now she claims. She said she said the whole horniest she's ever felt in her life because what else could have made her drop her family, kids and whole marriage? I'm starting to believe from a previous poster that maybe it wasn't because she was the horniest she's ever felt in her life but because of the danger and excitement she can't get from me..I could be very very wrong and just wanting to believe that is the thing to save some of myself. She claims that she said it that way because she felt that the answers she gave were not good enough for me so she chose something more harsh so I would have something to satisfy my ideas and then have a purpose..true or not true I guess that is possible. .it's very hard to believe that this affair was done for so little and the way she describes it..I've been reading about others and it seems they have more substance..this was the first time she dropped everything in her life and was selfish..this I know for sure from what I know and have seen..but I could again be lying to myself and just don't want to see anything else... to me everything is a lie and nothing she says I can believe..that's what makes trying to listen to her and her describing everything so hard because she has been such a good liar..so why wouldn't she leave things out and continue to lie about other things so that she can save face...feeling this way only keeps me pushing her away for my own safety..I'm disgusted by her in every way.. I don't see her as my wife but yet I can't make a move to leave her and why? I don't feel love for her but why to I keep letting her stay? Is my hurt, anger and disgust masking my real feelings or am I just trying to keep fooling myself...for a long time she had been my world..I loved her with a passion and with a fire that even I couldn't imagine..is that old flame what holds me..is it me fooling myself that that flame still burns somewhere in me but I just can't see it because of all this? I'm starting to believe that's what I'm search for is proof that it's really all gone so I can truly say let's move on but on different paths or ok there's something still there and let's try to build on that..it's like having multiple questions for ever one question but with no solid answers...I don't want to do something if I'm just fooling myself and wanting to believe something it's not you know..I want to make the right choice not only for me but my kids..my life is screwed all up..I don't want to screw theirs up anymore than she has already made it for them..I need to be clear enough to make the right choice so I can stick to it. Edited June 9, 2017 by Texashunter
BluesPower Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 TH, brother please stop making excuses for your wife. Just please stop. She has trickle trothed you, out right lied to you, used and abused you. Please stop making excuses. She screwed the other guy because she wanted to. She wanted to try something else. The sex was great and she loved it. I know that you are having a hard time with this, I get it. Her affair and the BS that she has been saying makes it all the worse. I don't know if you can get over this and everything that she is not doing is absolutely not helping in any way. But by now you need to understand that her affair and betrayal is not, was not and never will be about you or the OM. IT IS ABOUT HER. It is about her not respecting a man that was a great father, a competent lover, a good provider, and a general good guy. It is about her not respecting and frankly like a lot, I mean a whole lot, of women do. The find a faithful, smart, hardworking guy that take care of them and treats them like a queen, but then gotta have a little something extra. No, this is about her. What you need to do is get your Stuff together and make a decision and move forward. No one would blame you if you divorced her. It is what she deserves... Believe me I know what this is like, and my Ex wife after the divorce looks terrible. You know what I think it is? I think she is just starting to understand what she has lost. She lost a man that tons of women want to be with. Great father, provider, lover. My Ex is, I think, just now understanding that pound for pound there is no one out there better than me. But it is too late for her. Maybe your wife will finally wake up, but regardless, you have to get out of this holding pattern...
Overtaxed Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 TH, Man, reading your posts, it's like a direct parallel to what I'm going through with my W. Maybe I'm seeing that where it doesn't exist, but, sounds so similar. she claims at the time because she had let our sex life go to sht..well meeting him gave her a spark and she desired him a lot..she wanted sex with him because he made her feel sexy and desired again by his pursuit. So she was willing to have sex because she felt it was part of it and he wanted it. This is very typical. In my marriage, I stopped pursuing her; she seemed uninterested in sex and I felt like it was a "burden" to her. I'm not sure I'd consider it "gone to sh*t", but, in many ways, it had. We had sex quite a bit, but it wasn't the kind of sex you (or I) want, it was obligation sex, duty sex, sex without much feeling. Sure, it's better than nothing, and I thought that was just "the way it is" with my W. The problem is, we (men, typically, but the HD partner in general) can only take so much rejection before we give up. And that's what I had done, gave up on our sex life, or, more correctly, gave up trying to make it what I wanted it to be. But the OM did the same thing, pursued the W, didn't take "No" for an answer, and made her feel very desired because of his relentless drive for sex. The problem is, that's all well and good in a new relationship or an A, but how do you keep that in a marriage? Sure, I could, I would love to, pursue my W like the AP did for sex. But, after about a day of that, I'm pretty sure she'd get resentful and angry; "That's all you want from me" or something to that effect. The laughable part, of course, is that in most A's, that IS all the male AP wants from the woman. But somehow, most don't see it. Of course the sex was part of it and he wanted, he was/is a guy, right? Think about yourself in that situation. What would you be after? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's not "TH you're so handsome" or gifts, dinners, or anything else romantic. It's sex. And yes, women do seem to subconsciously realize that's part of the "deal". I sleep with you, you say nice things to me. Typical A. I'm starting to believe from a previous poster that maybe it wasn't because she was the horniest she's ever felt in her life but because of the danger and excitement she can't get from me.. OK, some possible banhammer stuff coming. Here's the thing, you can't compete with the danger of the A. You just can't. But people who think that their AP is "God's gift to women/men" haven't had enough partners. There is no "God's gift". Sex is situational, you can have crazy hot sex with someone you don't even like if the situation is right (danger, passion, whatever). It's not that he was better in any way, it's that he carried with him the mantle of "wrong" and that's a powerful aphrodisiac. But equating mythical powers to the AP, to their sexual prowess? Nope, not gonna happen, I've been with enough people to know that the experience of sex is substantially enough the same between them to know that it's not someone is better, it's that they are different or the situation increases intensity. .it's very hard to believe that this affair was done for so little and the way she describes it..I've been reading about others and it seems they have more substance..this was the first time she dropped everything in her life and was selfish..this I know for sure from what I know and have seen..but I could again be lying to myself and just don't want to see anything else... They almost always are (done for so little). End of the day, what did she really get from him? Not a whole lot. Some nice words. Some sex, that most likely, she only gave him to keep him around to get nice words. He did get something really valuable out of it, sex with a new woman. But what did she get? Empty words, lies, broken promises, and now, most likely, unimaginable guilt and pain for what she did. Those that have "substance" very often, the substance in a mind game that people are pulling on themselves. Women are most guilty of this, but men do it too, equating more "value" to the A than is reasonable. Yes, you get to have sex with a new person. That's about the only thing of "value" that most people get from an A. to me everything is a lie and nothing she says I can believe..that's what makes trying to listen to her and her describing everything so hard because she has been such a good liar..so why wouldn't she leave things out and continue to lie about other things so that she can save face...feeling this way only keeps me pushing her away for my own safety..I'm disgusted by her in every way.. I don't have anything to offer other than "I know where you are". I didn't think my wife was capable of lying, I really didn't. And then, suddenly, it seemed that she honestly couldn't speak without lying. It's one of the hardest things for me, she was SO GOOD at lying about something so important, it draws everything into question. And she kept at it for a long time, even when we'd decided to try to R. I guess all I can say, look at her actions today, is she still lying? Is she lying because she really thinks she can protect you, or is she lying to save face? You'll never know the answers to these questions, but, this is the thought process that I tried to go through. I don't see her as my wife but yet I can't make a move to leave her and why? I don't feel love for her but why to I keep letting her stay? Is my hurt, anger and disgust masking my real feelings or am I just trying to keep fooling myself...for a long time she had been my world..I loved her with a passion and with a fire that even I couldn't imagine..is that old flame what holds me..is it me fooling myself that that flame still burns somewhere in me but I just can't see it because of all this? I'll speak for myself here. The flame is still there for me. In some ways, it's stronger than ever because of the actions my wife has taken since D-day to try to fix things. But it's like I can't see it sometimes. It's blotted out by the thoughts of what she did. There's a huge wall of pain/anger/hate between that flame that is my love for her and me. That wall is the A. And we try to chip it away every day. But I know the flame still burns, because, sometimes, I can stand off to the side of the wall and see it blazing away back there. I know, it's cheezy, but it's how I think about it. If it wasn't there, you wouldn't be here trying to make sense of it, you'd be in an attorney's office filling out paperwork. Remember, actions matter, and your actions are showing "I love you" even if your mind isn't able to make that leap yet. 6
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I have often stated that the bottom line is...do you love her? Because if you do not love her...what are you trying to save? and why are are you trying to save it? I KNOW beyond any shadow of doubt that John never stopped loving me. He hated what i had done...but he never hated me. Love the sinner...hate the sin. TH...OT is right....your ACTIONS still tell her there is love. IF you read the stories of most of the betrayed spouses here...the one common core is...they still love their spouse. As disgusted...as hurt as they are....they still love them. I think it even makes them MAD at themselves for still loving their wayward. I think they fear it makes them appear weak...or that they have "settled".... and this is something I want to try to help you guys to see. I can only speak for me...because we are all different. My husband gave me a gift....and I am a smart woman. I knew it was a gift that i did not deserve. I used to stare at him...trying to look inside his head...and figure out why he still loved me...how could he still love me? and I can tell you....because he did not give up on me....because he still loved me...it made me love and respect him more than i ever have. It did not make him weak in my eyes...it made him stronger in my eyes....because he was a man of principle and committment.....he was a man of his word....he was a man who could forgive. That takes strength...amazing strength. So as you all...continue to try to process the whys and the hows of questions you may NEVER get answers to....as you analyze and pick and vent and cry and get angry....at the end of the day....please remember that ....we all have the power to walk away. your wayward wives....are still there....and while there are those who will tell you...you are plan b...you are weak...you are her security. Most women...have the ability to leave. So ask yourselves...why is she still here....and the answer is the same one that is not only true for her but true for you as well. She is still there because she loves you...because she still wants you...because she still wants to be your wife..... We cannot undo what we did...we cannot explain sometimes to your satisfaction or our own why we did it....and sometimes we say really stupid things without thinking about how it comes out and you grab it and run and try to analyze it to death. Trust me....I have 2 pages worth of stuff i said that is both stupid and hurtful. You are all new to this...and none of us know how to deal with it and we are all going to make many mistakes in how we reconcile. The bottom line is still... Do you love me? Actions speak louder than words....watch her...see what she is doing to TRY to help you....if she is doing her best...to help you....then is it enough? If her best is not enough..divorce. Trust me...she is just a frustrated as you are....but she is still there TRYING. The stories that i get the most upset with are the ones where it is painfully obvious that the wife is making no effort. I can tell you both....i see effort from your waywards....and that speaks volumes. 5
Cephalopod Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I'm not buying it when you say you don't love her. I think you do. In fact you still love her very much, which is why you are so enraged all the time, and why you continue to let her live with you. You would not be doing these things if the love was gone. Now, on the day when you are no longer angry, no longer wanting to punish her, and no longer care if she lives with you are not...that is the day when your love for her will be gone. It's called indifference, and she better hope you never reach that, because then it will truly be over. 1
Author Texashunter Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 How to reply to a comment like this..." you don't understand how it feels to desire, love and want someone who says they don't want you?" This was told to me last night as if I have no ideas what that's like or even worse..these are the things I constantly get hit with..is it me or am I just fing crazy..
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