What a mess Im in.. .

[harrybrown]

We get your side of the story.

 

there is always another side to the story. your H may have some other things to say.

 

But when you have an affair, you look for additional problems in the marriage.

 

Be honest in your dealings.

 

Tell your H that he should not have sex with you because he might get stds that you may have caught from having sex with another man many many many times.

 

You are not the only one he has sex with. and you know that he is great because he is having sex with you while one of his other girlfriends is in the hospital. He has sex with as many as he can.

 

help your kids out by stopping your A and stay healthy to raise them to adults.

 

do tell your H about your A. stop lying to him and yourself.

 

you do need to get counseling to help you stop cheating, lying and deceiving for your next relationship.

 

good luck to your kids.

[deadsoul]

I think you know what needs to be done. It's just hard to get the courage to do it. I hope you get it figured out. You sound like you could have so much more in life. Be well and keep us posted.

 

Writing it out helps a lot. I write in a journal, that may be helpful for you too as seeing your thoughts written helps put them in order a bit. And sometimes, makes it worse, lol ;-)

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Im not thinking you are being a dbag. Im staying because i have hope that things will get better, i suppose.

 

Are you in denial about your husband? He's an addict and the man you married is gone (for now). Drugs come first.

 

Have you considered doing counseling? Just to help you get your head on straight. Having an affair isn't helping and certainly hasn't made your life any easier even if you think it's an escape from your marriage. The problems are still there and your kids are being exposed to stuff they shouldn't be exposed to by their father and how he is. Your husband will not change until he hits his rock bottom and gets help.

 

My suggestion is, separation. Talk to your family and close friends to help you through this and end your affair. Focus on fixing yourself and getting strong so you can function and be the best mom to your children. Involving another man isn't the answer in the long run.

[Try]

I hope you have a better female role model in your life.

In addition to agreeing with "I hope you have a better female role model in your life", I would add that "I hope you become a better female role model to your daughters."

[NTV]

It sounds like you don't want to be the kind of mother you wish you had. ....

[Transitions12]

I decided to cut it all off after a year and I relapsed twice in the last 2 weeks. Reading threads here has really helped me .

I had an off on for 2 years with a single man ( im married ). He has a gf now ,got back with her in October last year.

I was so strong for a year then I ran into him at Applebees in Feb and I starting thinking so much about him .

Unlike most people on here AP, mine was just a straight sex affair, but I got feelings of course . He didnt and I let him use me pretty much .

So here I am 4 days complete NC I did not even say bye I just ghosted.

I need someone to help me be accountable! So hard not to break contact. Just here looking for support. This forum has been such a blessing .

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged and moved to Infidelity ~6

[Sampson]

Betrayed husband here,

 

It wasn't just sex with your AP. If it was going NC would be a breeze. Search deep, peel that onion and find out what, why, and how did you allow yourself to be used and treated like this. Build up your character, self worth, self esteem, image, and become a better person. Authentic.

 

Regards

[Transitions12]

It was sexual but like I said i got feelings .

I know why I allowed this to happen, like I said posting and reading here honestly had helped so much . Thank you for your reply.

[Sampson]

It was sexual but like I said i got feelings .

I know why I allowed this to happen, like I said posting and reading here honestly had helped so much . Thank you for your reply.

 

Your welcome. But let me help start that onion peeling. You are minimizing the start of your affair by saying it was just sexual and probably justify it with your husband didn't pay you attention or make you feel wanted. I am only guessing and using this as an example to spur thought. Then along comes ego and attention giver and Bam your knee deep into an affair. How did this ego and attention if just sex turn to feelings why did you believe him when he is culpable in this deceitful act? Peel that onion why did you seek attention of any kind outside your marriage? Why didn't you turn into your marriage for attention? Why did this other man cause you to make such choices to begin, continue, and still seek him out in your mind to quench the addiction to the attention? Do you see how the relationship with your OM was a bubble and nothing was bad or bad enough to walk away it was always a drug without the responsibilities of real life? If your marriage was so bad or dysfunctional why didn't you leave it or have those hard conversations with your husband, did you just avoid it, why did you do this avoidance?

 

I know, you know it already. But hopefully this gets some thought and peeling to take your mind of AP. See him for who he is really will help. See how he could make himself into anything or anyone without question or accountability, he was perfect right????

 

You deserve happiness. Happiness takes work, but it takes work. And sometimes is not easy.

 

Good luck on that journey.

[FoundMyStrength]

Hang in there and keep posting. NC is so difficult and you're in early days. I found that the first week or two was manageable just riding my feelings of anger and hurt from his last email and my newfound determination to quit. The next month or two after that was a living hell.

 

Try to keep busy, exercise, get therapy if you can, connect with family and friends. And avoid social media and other triggers for a while, if that's possible. I found what helped me the most was reminding myself of the many (very good) reasons I had for staying away. And coming her t Loveshack.

[Friskyone4u]

Sorry Transitions, but one reason NC is so hard is because you are carrying this deep secret and your husband is clueless.

 

If you told your husband the truth, chances are you'd have more to worry about that your fond memories of OM and you'd be a lot less tempted knowing it could end your marriage. Right now, you have had no unpleasant consequences and OM will eventually come "fishing" again if things with his GF hit a rough patch or they break up.

 

Then you will be back to square one because you have gotten away with it so why not do it again. You apparently were fine with the just sex.

 

Hope you get to post here after months and a year of NC, but I would not bet on it unless your OM marries his girlfriend.

[Transitions12]

Sorry Transitions, but one reason NC is so hard is because you are carrying this deep secret and your husband is clueless.

 

If you told your husband the truth, chances are you'd have more to worry about that your fond memories of OM and you'd be a lot less tempted knowing it could end your marriage. Right now, you have had no unpleasant consequences and OM will eventually come "fishing" again if things with his GF hit a rough patch or they break up.

 

Then you will be back to square one because you have gotten away with it so why not do it again. You apparently were fine with the just sex.

 

Hope you get to post here after months and a year of NC, but I would not bet on it unless your OM marries his girlfriend.

He actually tried to the whole year . Even while he was getting back with his gf, moving her in, etc. I stayed firm. Anger fueled most of my A.

Self loathing and anger.

The guy and I talked regularly and yes I was ok with the sex part when we met up. I knew his motives were not love or riding off in the sunset.

Wed was the last time I spoke to him, some things he told me disgusted me .

I don't want to revisit .

[Transitions12]

Also it was this guys original personality that I fell for . I get attention from a lot of men . He never complimented me in any way he just made me laugh , and we had fun together . Wasn't like he was like oh youre so hot or so beautiful like alll the other guys . He never did that stuff. He was different ....in a lot of ways.

[Sampson]

Also it was this guys original personality that I fell for . I get attention from a lot of men . He never complimented me in any way he just made me laugh , and we had fun together . Wasn't like he was like oh youre so hot or so beautiful like alll the other guys . He never did that stuff. He was different ....in a lot of ways.

 

So he wasn't overt in his intentions and advances with a married woman. He had to groom you first. Funny, charming, nice guy, caring, all while sending ego kibbles causing you to become dependent upon his attention and creating an addict.

 

You are better that all this, worth so much more than someone else's fling. Stand strong. Do the hard work. Read some Rene Brown books start with the gift of imprefections I think that is the title of her book.

 

Regards

[marische]

I decided to cut it all off after a year and I relapsed twice in the last 2 weeks. Reading threads here has really helped me .

I had an off on for 2 years with a single man ( im married ). He has a gf now ,got back with her in October last year.

I was so strong for a year then I ran into him at Applebees in Feb and I starting thinking so much about him .

Unlike most people on here AP, mine was just a straight sex affair, but I got feelings of course . He didnt and I let him use me pretty much .

So here I am 4 days complete NC I did not even say bye I just ghosted.

I need someone to help me be accountable! So hard not to break contact. Just here looking for support. This forum has been such a blessing .

 

I can help you! We can do this! I am also doing NC

[ice3784]

So he wasn't overt in his intentions and advances with a married woman. He had to groom you first. Funny, charming, nice guy, caring, all while sending ego kibbles causing you to become dependent upon his attention and creating an addict.

 

You are better that all this, worth so much more than someone else's fling. Stand strong. Do the hard work. Read some Rene Brown books start with the gift of imprefections I think that is the title of her book.

 

Regards

Is all men like that ? My MM do groom me first, i guess. He even promised that he will married me. we discussed about parenting. He said he is preparing his 'wife'. Buying her an apartment, getting her a car and leave her when she is able to be independent. Why now the kids is an issue ? Why now he sleep with her again after a year of separation ? Why now suddenly treat me as a backup again ? Why ?

[Flowerchildfala]

What do you want from the relationship with him? Do you want to stay with your husband? If you want to forget this guy then keep thinking about his negatives. Each day of NC is a great achievement. If it's so easy for him to cheat on his gf and he's ok being with a MW then he wont make a very good long term partner (which you are already aware of). He is using you for sex. Keep reminding your self that. Are you fine with hurting your husband? Does he deserve to find out that his wife is having an affair? Also keep that in your mind. Try to focus on your husband and work on your marriage. Think about if you want to stay in your marriage or leave. Try to focus on something besides him and keep yourself busy.

[freengreen]

Its tough, find someone to talk to about it because you wont tell your husband ( will you?)and you wont talk to AP ( or will you!)...

 

Keep posting, its a way of letting out. DO NOT go back. You go back exactly for what?? to get used more until you hate yourself. Dont do that to yourself.

[Transitions12]

I can help you! We can do this! I am also doing NC

 

THANK YOU! Day 5 now. So tempting last night when I couldnt sleep, as I know he doesnt sleep well either and we used to text during this time.

 

How long has it been for you?

[Transitions12]

Its tough, find someone to talk to about it because you wont tell your husband ( will you?)and you wont talk to AP ( or will you!)...

 

Keep posting, its a way of letting out. DO NOT go back. You go back exactly for what?? to get used more until you hate yourself. Dont do that to yourself.

 

Every single time I had sex with him, I hated myself for days/weeks later. I felt disgusted and beat myself up. Cried. So you are right, why self loathe and hate myself? I feel unworthy of love I suppose. I need to love myself more, I really do.

[deadsoul]

I was ghosted. And it hurt. And it was hard to get over. I can't understand the ghosting thing.

 

He will come back into your life at some point. Then you need to tell him you are refocusing on your marriage and this can't continue and you will no longer contact him and you don't want him to contact you.

 

It isn't about giving him "closure." It's about doing the right thing...

 

And then you can focus on doing the right thing for you in your marriage, but you didn't ask for advice on that one ;-)

 

Until then, stay strong with NC. Exercise, journal, read, take up a hobby, call friends, just have a plan in place for when you feel like giving in.

[Transitions12]

Well today. Today he texted me 4 times in a row. He is blocked on all social media, but I have this android phone that can block calls, but not texts. I forgot to block his calls too on the phone, because he got to where he rarely called me so I didnt think about it.

First text: Well dang.

Second text: You just kicked me to the curb, huh?

Third text: You deleted me off snapchat and everything. Dang.

Fourth text: Hello.......... I know you are reading these.

 

Phone rings, its him.

 

I havent replied. I believe he will stop. I have never NOT replied.

I dont even want to reply.

 

Day 6. Going strong.

[thummper]

Sounds like the guy's desperate for a booty call. Get a different phone.

[Transitions12]

Sounds like the guy's desperate for a booty call. Get a different phone.

 

easier said than done mostly because of my type of work i do...and doctors etc i would have a hard time contacting them all (theres a lot)

but i can ignore the texting, i mean i dont want to reply. i thought he didnt save my number . he told me he didnt have it saved. smh.

[Friskyone4u]

Well, if you haven't figured out by now he is calling because he wants to be serviced, not much else anyone can say.

 

By the way, you still have an innocent clueless husband out there that ain't much in the thought process here and what you risk by not ending this once and for all. Confessing and making it real for yourself takes away the option.

 

Horny guys that have a female in your state don't give up easily. Expect more of the same and since you have to talk on the phone at work you say he will get to you.

 

That you rinse and repeat.