What a mess Im in.. .

[kgcolonel]

OP, you need to structure the M such that either your H gets help, stays on the wagon or you protect your children and exit the M.

 

You cannot have a relationship with an addict. They are not themselves while addicted. Their priorities change from, you first, family second to getting the drug of choice first, everything else second. This is not safe for the kids.

 

BTW, why do we even consider safe as a threshold standard for the kids as being acceptable (no I'm on my soapbox). Don't your kids deserve something better than a house divide by drugs and affairs? I am not really trying to beat you up but trying to get your to wake up as to what the results will be on your children's values as they grow up.

 

You're teaching them what is and is not acceptable....being a good parent is more than having food on the table, clothes on their back and a dry place to sleep. It is teaching them positive values and building their self esteem. That being said, how is leaving them with your pill popping H and you working 60 hours a week accomplishing this?

 

Please take some time and think about what is really important to you and act decisively on it.

[Chi townD]

You do realize that you are nothing more than a "booty call" to this other guy. You really don't mean anything to him. You are someone that he can "hit it and quit it" with because you're married! You have somewhere else to be, so you're not sticking around!

 

Here's the rub, your husband knows. He may not know you're cheating, but he knows something is off. He's been married to you long enough to know that something feels...off about you. Might explain his relapses. He doesn't know how to cope, so it's easier to pop some pills to mask the stress, frustrations and pain. Plus, you've been telling him you're leaving, yet you don't go.

 

You cheating is on you. And you wanted it to happen. I mean, you were walking a track that just HAPPENED to be by his house and he just HAPPENS to know your routine. You were hoping to run into him. So, I'm not buying what you are trying to sell.

 

So, you have a choice to make, you can leave your husband and become this guys side chick, or you can TRULY end things and work on your marriage. But, if you do decide to do that, remember that the truth always finds a way to come into the light. Meaning, one day more than likely, your husband is going to find out. So, you may need to tell him because if he finds out on his own, it will be worse for you.

[Transitions12]

You do realize that you are nothing more than a "booty call" to this other guy. You really don't mean anything to him. You are someone that he can "hit it and quit it" with because you're married! You have somewhere else to be, so you're not sticking around!

 

Here's the rub, your husband knows. He may not know you're cheating, but he knows something is off. He's been married to you long enough to know that something feels...off about you. Might explain his relapses. He doesn't know how to cope, so it's easier to pop some pills to mask the stress, frustrations and pain. Plus, you've been telling him you're leaving, yet you don't go.

 

You cheating is on you. And you wanted it to happen. I mean, you were walking a track that just HAPPENED to be by his house and he just HAPPENS to know your routine. You were hoping to run into him. So, I'm not buying what you are trying to sell.

 

So, you have a choice to make, you can leave your husband and become this guys side chick, or you can TRULY end things and work on your marriage. But, if you do decide to do that, remember that the truth always finds a way to come into the light. Meaning, one day more than likely, your husband is going to find out. So, you may need to tell him because if he finds out on his own, it will be worse for you.

You have no idea what you are talking about. And Im not responsible for an addict using. He may know. Sure, but thats not why he continues to use. He used way before I cheated. He kept relapsing but pills are prescribed to him so he seems to think its okay to abuse them. Hes not taking care of the kids while hes sick and puking. They have a sitter while Im working. The kids have seen him like that but they think hes sick got a headache. They dont know about pills, though I taught them at a young young age to not pick up bottles or pills laying around because he had a habit of leaving them and i would wake up and find a pill on a coffee table or end table hed *forgot*

[Transitions12]

OP, you need to structure the M such that either your H gets help, stays on the wagon or you protect your children and exit the M.

 

You cannot have a relationship with an addict. They are not themselves while addicted. Their priorities change from, you first, family second to getting the drug of choice first, everything else second. This is not safe for the kids.

 

BTW, why do we even consider safe as a threshold standard for the kids as being acceptable (no I'm on my soapbox). Don't your kids deserve something better than a house divide by drugs and affairs? I am not really trying to beat you up but trying to get your to wake up as to what the results will be on your children's values as they grow up.

 

You're teaching them what is and is not acceptable....being a good parent is more than having food on the table, clothes on their back and a dry place to sleep. It is teaching them positive values and building their self esteem. That being said, how is leaving them with your pill popping H and you working 60 hours a week accomplishing this?

 

Please take some time and think about what is really important to you and act decisively on it.

 

thank you . ANd i work out of necessity lol not choice. Trust me. I gotta work. I see them on the weekends mostly and spend time with them, and tuck them into bed everynight and wake them every morning. I try to instill positive values in them the best i can. but thank you for your advice.

[Chi townD]

You have no idea what you are talking about. And Im not responsible for an addict using. He may know. Sure, but thats not why he continues to use. He used way before I cheated. He kept relapsing but pills are prescribed to him so he seems to think its okay to abuse them. Hes not taking care of the kids while hes sick and puking. They have a sitter while Im working. The kids have seen him like that but they think hes sick got a headache. They dont know about pills, though I taught them at a young young age to not pick up bottles or pills laying around because he had a habit of leaving them and i would wake up and find a pill on a coffee table or end table hed *forgot*

 

So, leave. Do it today. Pack up and get out. You have no reason to stay. Hell, you're already cheating on him, why stay?

[Transitions12]

So, leave. Do it today. Pack up and get out. You have no reason to stay. Hell, you're already cheating on him, why stay?

 

Yeah. Thats easy. Thanks for that help

[reboot]

Yeah. Thats easy. Thanks for that help

 

What do YOU want to do?

[Chi townD]

Yeah. Thats easy. Thanks for that help

 

Women do it everyday. If you feel he's a threat to your kids as you wrote, then either kick him out or you take the kids and go.

 

I'm not trying to be a douchebag, I seriously want to know why you're staying?

[Transitions12]

What do YOU want to do?

Basically writing this all out helps me . I never have time to deal with my life/pain/whatever, because im always switched on for work/kids OR sleeping.

I dont know what I want to do.

 

I have left once already and came back.

My husband has been clean since feb, or not messed up since then. He just got a new job after finishing school( i quit school myself and worked all these hours so he could go to school, i thought that would give him an esteem boost and help maybe somehow)

So I dont know.

[Transitions12]

Women do it everyday. If you feel he's a threat to your kids as you wrote, then either kick him out or you take the kids and go.

 

I'm not trying to be a douchebag, I seriously want to know why you're staying?

 

Im not thinking you are being a dbag. Im staying because i have hope that things will get better, i suppose.

[BaileyB]

Im not thinking you are being a dbag. Im staying because i have hope that things will get better, i suppose.

 

The first step towards things getting better is to shut the other man down and walk away from an unhealthy relationship... Then, perhaps you can begin the really hard work of trying to repair your marriage...

[mercy]

Basically writing this all out helps me . I never have time to deal with my life/pain/whatever, because im always switched on for work/kids OR sleeping.

I dont know what I want to do.

 

So write it out, either here or in a journal. Start with what you want to do.

 

I vote dump the loser and stop cheating.

 

Seriously, it may not seem like it right now but you are in charge of your life. What do you want?

[Chi townD]

Im not thinking you are being a dbag. Im staying because i have hope that things will get better, i suppose.

 

 

Okay, so good. You have to look at your marriage as you two building a house together. The first time you went on your first date is when you poured the foundation to this house. And then from that point you two started to build it together over time. Brick by brick, board by board and shingle by shingle. And it turned into a pretty nice house. Then, with your cheating and his drug use, you took a wrecking Ball to it. Smashed it to pieces. Now, you two are standing there and looking over the wreckage. Most couples walk away saying, "Nope, too much damage has been done." And they go there separate ways. But SOME couples can see through the damage and discover that the foundation is still good. So, they re-build. And through a lot of sweat, pain and tears, they discover that this new house is even better than the old one.

 

So,, is your foundation still good?

[BaileyB]

Do you have a daughter...

 

Think of it this way - if she was in a marriage with a man who stuggled with addictions and she chose to have an affair with a man who clearly, only wanted her for sex... What would your advice be for your daughter? How sad would it make you feel to see her engaged in not only one, but two very unhealthy relationships? How would you tell her to rediscover her strength and what decisions would you suggest that she make to find happiness and joy in her life again...

[Transitions12]

Okay, so good. You have to look at your marriage as you two building a house together. The first time you went on your first date is when you poured the foundation to this house. And then from that point you two started to build it together over time. Brick by brick, board by board and shingle by shingle. And it turned into a pretty nice house. Then, with your cheating and his drug use, you took a wrecking Ball to it. Smashed it to pieces. Now, you two are standing there and looking over the wreckage. Most couples walk away saying, "Nope, too much damage has been done." And they go there separate ways. But SOME couples can see through the damage and discover that the foundation is still good. So, they re-build. And through a lot of sweat, pain and tears, they discover that this new house is even better than the old one.

 

So,, is your foundation still good?

I believe it is. I truely do believe that. Thats a great analogy, very helpful.

[Transitions12]

Do you have a daughter...

 

Think of it this way - if she was in a marriage with a man who stuggled with addictions and she chose to have an affair with a man who clearly, only wanted her for sex... What would your advice be for your daughter? How sad would it make you feel to see her engaged in not only one, but two very unhealthy relationships? How would you tell her to rediscover her strength and what decisions would you suggest that she make to find happiness and joy in her life again...

 

I have two daughters. Wow, great way of putting that..funny you should say that, because my mom knows my situation..and told me to cheat and not get caught.

But then again, my mom wasnt around after I was 10, she left. And came back into my life *kinda* when I was in my 20s. So shouldn't listen to her.LOL

 

But reading what you say breaks my heart, thinking of my daughters being in that situation.

[mercy]

..funny you should say that, because my mom knows my situation..and told me to cheat and not get caught.

But then again, my mom wasnt around after I was 10, she left. And came back into my life *kinda* when I was in my 20s. So shouldn't listen to her.LOL

 

 

No, don't listen to your mom. Honestly sending your daughter down the affair path...

 

I hope you have a better female role model in your life.

[wmacbride]

You have no idea what you are talking about. And Im not responsible for an addict using. He may know. Sure, but thats not why he continues to use. He used way before I cheated. He kept relapsing but pills are prescribed to him so he seems to think its okay to abuse them. Hes not taking care of the kids while hes sick and puking. They have a sitter while Im working. The kids have seen him like that but they think hes sick got a headache. They dont know about pills, though I taught them at a young young age to not pick up bottles or pills laying around because he had a habit of leaving them and i would wake up and find a pill on a coffee table or end table hed *forgot*

 

If this is the environment, get your kids out NOW.

 

Stop spending all your mental energy on yourself and pining after a young guy who's likely laughing at your behind your back and put your kids first. They is a high chnace they will grow up to have a very skewed perception of what a "normal" relationship is like. You have the ability to change that, and if you have the time and energy to chase after this young guy, you have the time and ability to get yourself and your kids out, at least until such a time, if ever, that your husband can clean himself up.

 

I know you won't want to hear this, but you need to take some time and focus on what's really important here. It really sounds to me like you are lonely, sad and really in need of an escape. The problem is that, just like your husband's pills, your method of escaping will wreck your life, and your om's family's life as well, not to mention your fmaily and children.

 

How do feel about asking his wife and children and your children and husband to pay the price for your need for positive attention? I'm not begrudging you wanting that (given your life circumstances, who wouldn't?) but more the solution you have found. It's not long term, no sustainable, and can very well end up hurting a whole lot of innocent people. Do you really feel that's okay? If you are the type of person I think you are, it's not okay to you. Why add that sort of guilt to your plate of troubles, which sounds like its already quite full? Instead, why not work on your marriage or leave?

 

Take it one step at a time. A series of small changes can more easy to sustain than large ones. You sound like someone who has a good heart but is feeling lost. It really sounds like you're using your om as a crutch to hold on to, and that simply won;t work for very long. You need to face your marriage and its problems and not run away.

[wmacbride]

Women do it everyday. If you feel he's a threat to your kids as you wrote, then either kick him out or you take the kids and go.

 

I'm not trying to be a douchebag, I seriously want to know why you're staying?

 

If it's as ba as you say, there are organizations that can help you.

 

Have you ever considered joining a support group for the families of people with addictions? It might help you to know you aren't alone and others understand what you are going through. It's better than self medicating by having an affair.

[BaileyB]

I have two daughters. Wow, great way of putting that..funny you should say that, because my mom knows my situation..and told me to cheat and not get caught.

 

Well, that just breaks my heart. But then again, I had a wonderful mother and my parents had a very strong marriage. I could never imagine my mother giving me advice that I should cheat on my husband... Very bad advice, indeed.

 

It does put it in perspective - I'm sure that you would want your daughters to find happiness, to have a good relationship with their husbands and not to suffer the pain of addiction or infidelity. So, if you want that for your girls, you should want that for yourself? How do you go about finding that happiness in life - is it with or without your husband? Will you find it with a man who has told you in words and actions that he only wants a sexual release with your body?

 

And remember, your girls are watching you. Even though you may not know it, they are watching. They are learning about relationships from you. Are you teaching them to respect themselves? What are you teaching them about their value as a woman and what they should accept from a partner? Are you able to model a healthy attachment, a healthy relationship with a man? What are you teaching them about their bodies and sex? They are watching and learning. You clearly didn't have a good teacher, but that doesn't mean that you can't be a good teacher. Don't take this responsibility lightly...

[Timshel]

I have two daughters. Wow, great way of putting that..funny you should say that, because my mom knows my situation..and told me to cheat and not get caught.

But then again, my mom wasnt around after I was 10, she left. And came back into my life *kinda* when I was in my 20s. So shouldn't listen to her.LOL

 

But reading what you say breaks my heart, thinking of my daughters being in that situation.

 

When I read the infidelity threads, my heart bends. There are people who read these threads who are not bs, ow, mm, mw....all of the hurts.

 

I always think, but when a person is with their self, when a person looks in the mirror or may contemplate their own existence and wonder about in their lifetime what will their own legacy be.....it isn't that a person would falter or be imperfect that is the trouble.

 

I wonder well, what will you (general) be comfortable with when teaching children, telling them how they could be. What comfort will a person have in their last days (we all will have our last breath) when it's over and looking back.

 

This isn't any judgement or criticism, but I am always left questioning in these threads about the fruitlessness of it all and especially when children are involved.

This isn't a dress rehearsal. If you are better off with another lover then do so, it's the lack of fortitude and the ambivalence that really floors me.

[Chi townD]

I believe it is. I truely do believe that. Thats a great analogy, very helpful.

 

 

Okay, so you need to do something about it. You need to sit down with him and have the talk of your life. You need to put it out there. Saying, "Look, I'm not happy. This isn't working. We need to talk to someone. We need to go to counseling because I have been thinking of ending this. And if you care about this family and our marriage, then we need to do this together. Because, if we don't then there's no point of us staying together. I am ready to leave."

 

There, you put it out there. You're giving him the opportunity to work on this and understand how serious this is. Most guys don't want to go to counseling, until it's too late. THEN, they want to go.

 

But, I strongly urge you to seek individual counseling for yourself. Something inside of you told you that it was okay for you to do this. Whether it's unanswered questions and problems with your mother or whatever. I think you would benefit from it.

[alsudduth]

So, you have a choice to make, you can leave your husband and become this guys side chick, or you can TRULY end things and work on your marriage. But, if you do decide to do that, remember that the truth always finds a way to come into the light. Meaning, one day more than likely, your husband is going to find out. So, you may need to tell him because if he finds out on his own, it will be worse for you.

 

Or a third choice - Leave them both and find your happiness after you've gained some self respect. You deserve to respect yourself enough to not want to be anyone's "side chick" in your 40's with a pill addicted husband.

 

I've seen pill addictions, they are scary and it's not a good situation for your kids to be in.

[Transitions12]

When I read the infidelity threads, my heart bends. There are people who read these threads who are not bs, ow, mm, mw....all of the hurts.

 

I always think, but when a person is with their self, when a person looks in the mirror or may contemplate their own existence and wonder about in their lifetime what will their own legacy be.....it isn't that a person would falter or be imperfect that is the trouble.

 

I wonder well, what will you (general) be comfortable with when teaching children, telling them how they could be. What comfort will a person have in their last days (we all will have our last breath) when it's over and looking back.

 

This isn't any judgement or criticism, but I am always left questioning in these threads about the fruitlessness of it all and especially when children are involved.

This isn't a dress rehearsal. If you are better off with another lover then do so, it's the lack of fortitude and the ambivalence that really floors me.

Beautiful and I also think of this at times. Life is fleeting. You are correct. I died in 2011 from a rare disease that came on suddenly due to my pregnancy. I never expected to be on life support. It changed me alot ...for the good and bad in some ways.Thank you for sharing <3

[Timshel]

Beautiful and I also think of this at times. Life is fleeting. You are correct. I died in 2011 from a rare disease that came on suddenly due to my pregnancy. I never expected to be on life support. It changed me alot ...for the good and bad in some ways.Thank you for sharing <3

 

<3 back. I'm glad that you are alive again to notice that you aren't alive to have bullsh*t.

 

You know your own heart, listen.