2 months of NC

[marische]

(((marische))) my heart goes out to you. I know you are in a lot of pain - pain that the members here understand. You are amongst friends. Keep posting.

 

 

 

This is the nature affairs I'm afraid. It will only get worse the longer it goes on, the more feelings you develop and the more suspicious his wife gets. The fact is a wife SHOULD be able to call her H any time and not be met by his voicemail.

 

So please be strong and stick to NC now. Reclaim your life back and move forward. After all that time, he may well love you, but this illustrates in no uncertain terms where his priorities lie. I understand it only too well. I was a MM who developed feelings...but when my wife called - I went running. The whole situation is just so unfair to everyone.

 

In saying "If you're gonna be the side piece, learn how to play your position.", Tressugar means that if you want to be in an affair, then you, as the OW, should "stay in your box" not interfere with his relationship with his wife and accept that she comes first. If you start feeling ownership over him and feel that he belongs to you and not her, start wondering when he will leave her...then this is a pathway to heartbreak. Let's be clear, in affairs, nearly all paths lead to heartbreak unfortunately.

 

The two 2-6 month point of NC is really tough after a LTA. You normally get through the first few weeks on sheer determination and adrenaline alone, but when that dies down it's a loing painful haul. Stick it out and you should notice a genuine improvement in your mental state by 6 months. Full recovery, after a 3 year affair, will take a considerable time I'm afraid.

 

Get as much support as you can. Wishing you nothing but the best.

 

Do you believe that after a 3 year affair MM develops feelings? Or is just about sex?

[freengreen]

Even if he did develop feelings, he showed you the greater feelings he had that his marriage is more important. This is all the feelings he can spare you. Take it or even better, leave it.

 

I see you are hurt because he just left you and never looked back on how you were doing. You think he doesnt know what he did?. He does. He thought " let me get out of the mess first".. he CHOSE to do this. You will struggle but get out of them mess without him only to be contacted by him again to drag you into it again. Its a cycle damnit.

Edited May 6, 2017 by freengreen

[wmacbride]

op,

you are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. That isn't going to work.

 

about the phone calls, etc. Think of it this way. If you were trying to reach your husband what would you expect?

 

He's a married man, and you're projecting your feelings on to him. You might think and act in a particular situation, but trying to use your logic to explain his behavior won't work.

[FoundMyStrength]

Do you believe that after a 3 year affair MM develops feelings? Or is just about sex?

 

There may be feelings there. 3 years is a long time. But you have to ask yourself if that matters. Does it really matter if your MM has feelings if he remains with his wife? As others have said, he's made his position clear. You are in second (or third or fourth or worse) place.

 

So you have a choice. If second place is fine with you, keep going, but know your position in the pecking order. If it isn't, feel blessed that he's walked away and stop worrying about the meaning of every little thing he does.

 

As fOW's on this site will tell you, the process of getting over a MM is hellish. But the choices you have? They're petty clear. Affairs aren't love stories.

[marische]

There may be feelings there. 3 years is a long time. But you have to ask yourself if that matters. Does it really matter if your MM has feelings if he remains with his wife? As others have said, he's made his position clear. You are in second (or third or fourth or worse) place.

 

So you have a choice. If second place is fine with you, keep going, but know your position in the pecking order. If it isn't, feel blessed that he's walked away and stop worrying about the meaning of every little thing he does.

 

As fOW's on this site will tell you, the process of getting over a MM is hellish. But the choices you have? They're petty clear. Affairs aren't love stories.

 

Thank you. I am still keeping no contact hope to keep this way.

[Overtaxed]

op,

you are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. That isn't going to work.

 

about the phone calls, etc. Think of it this way. If you were trying to reach your husband what would you expect?

 

He's a married man, and you're projecting your feelings on to him. You might think and act in a particular situation, but trying to use your logic to explain his behavior won't work.

 

I disagree (rare, because we typically agree).

 

Logic works perfectly here. He did a cost/benefit analysis and decided his wife or another AP was the better choice. Could be because there was too much investment required to keep this A going, could be that another AP came along, could be that the wife found out and the cost of continuing the A just got way too high. And could be something else entirely, but, end of the day, I'd be pretty surprised if there wasn't a logical processes followed here that led to this situation.

 

His wife will almost always rank higher than you, if she finds out, he'll ghost you to keep her. Some men who do this do it with a few APs at a time, if he meets someone new, he'll ghost you. Sometimes they get it out of their system and don't need you anymore, if so, he'll ghost you. What does not happen, however, is that he's madly in love with you and then suddenly, for no reason, ghosts you. That's not gonna happen, because, it makes no sense. He's already shown himself to be willing to step out, the first time is the hardest, so it's not like he just had a moral revelation that what he was doing was wrong. Something upset the status quo, high probability either another AP or the wife found out.

[marische]

On my previous post I shared that I was on NC with married man for 2 months. This morning I was "contacted" by MM he sent a friendship request on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and followed all my boards on Pinterest.

 

I don't use social media a lot, mostly to post pics and videos of my child. I didnt accept any of the requests. I didnt declined either.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't call me to chat and why is he cyberstalking me now?

 

Any thoughts?

Edited May 8, 2017 by marische
We are both married with kids.

[somanymistakes]

Could be trying to reach out quietly because he's too much of a coward to actually call you up and be "hey, wanna get back together" and have you shoot him down, so this is a first step to see if you're still interested?

[Friskyone4u]

On my previous post I shared that I was on NC with married man for 2 months. This morning I was "contacted" by MM he sent a friendship request on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and followed all my boards on Pinterest.

 

I don't use social media a lot, mostly to post pics and videos of my child. I didnt accept any of the requests. I didnt declined either.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't call me to chat and why is he cyberstalking me now?

 

Any thoughts?

 

OP,

 

Not much thought necessary. He wants in your pants again. You are intelligent enough to figure that one out. If he strikes out enough times he will stop. If you contact or respond he will keep at it no matter what you say because you gave him a reaction.

[marische]

I disagree (rare, because we typically agree).

 

Logic works perfectly here. He did a cost/benefit analysis and decided his wife or another AP was the better choice. Could be because there was too much investment required to keep this A going, could be that another AP came along, could be that the wife found out and the cost of continuing the A just got way too high. And could be something else entirely, but, end of the day, I'd be pretty surprised if there wasn't a logical processes followed here that led to this situation.

 

His wife will almost always rank higher than you, if she finds out, he'll ghost you to keep her. Some men who do this do it with a few APs at a time, if he meets someone new, he'll ghost you. Sometimes they get it out of their system and don't need you anymore, if so, he'll ghost you. What does not happen, however, is that he's madly in love with you and then suddenly, for no reason, ghosts you. That's not gonna happen, because, it makes no sense. He's already shown himself to be willing to step out, the first time is the hardest, so it's not like he just had a moral revelation that what he was doing was wrong. Something upset the status quo, high probability either another AP or the wife found out.

 

Thank you for your opinion. He is not ghosting me, I decided not to contact him and he is already attempting to contact me in many ways.

[marische]

OP,

 

Not much thought necessary. He wants in your pants again. You are intelligent enough to figure that one out. If he strikes out enough times he will stop. If you contact or respond he will keep at it no matter what you say because you gave him a reaction.

 

Dont you think it would be easier just to call me?

[marische]

Could be trying to reach out quietly because he's too much of a coward to actually call you up and be "hey, wanna get back together" and have you shoot him down, so this is a first step to see if you're still interested?

 

Maybe.. I don't know

[freengreen]

Could be his wife double checking if it is actually over. Just guessing...

[Overtaxed]

Thank you for your opinion. He is not ghosting me, I decided not to contact him and he is already attempting to contact me in many ways.

 

Sorry, I must have misread one of your posts. What I said above still applies though, he's just doing a different cost/benefit analysis. And right now the cost of trying to contact you (phone calls/TXTs) is lower than the possible benefit (sex). If you want to find out how he really feels, you need to raise the cost to a level that you're comfortable with. IMHO, the only one that really matters "Leave your wife, then call me". If he does that, then you might actually have something. Absent that, the cost is very low, and the benefit very high; he'll keep doing it until you change that equation.

[marische]

Sorry, I must have misread one of your posts. What I said above still applies though, he's just doing a different cost/benefit analysis. And right now the cost of trying to contact you (phone calls/TXTs) is lower than the possible benefit (sex). If you want to find out how he really feels, you need to raise the cost to a level that you're comfortable with. IMHO, the only one that really matters "Leave your wife, then call me". If he does that, then you might actually have something. Absent that, the cost is very low, and the benefit very high; he'll keep doing it until you change that equation.

 

I am married and I have a child. I never asked him to leave his wife. We had a friction/argument and I decided not to contAct him for at least a long time.

[marische]

Could be his wife double checking if it is actually over. Just guessing...

I am sure she doesn't know about us. It cant be.

[elaine567]

I am sure she doesn't know about us. It cant be.

He stopped contacting you completely after that argument about his wife calling and calling, so I would not be surprised if she does know. He may have confessed but if not, she will have been mightily suspicious anyway.

He will have lain low for a while whilst she was keeping an eye on him or whilst he was "reconciling".

 

He probably now thinks the coast is clear, hence him getting back in contact with you, OR it is as Freengreen suggests his wife is testing you and him.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

Not much thought necessary. He wants in your pants again. You are intelligent enough to figure that one out. If he strikes out enough times he will stop. If you contact or respond he will keep at it no matter what you say because you gave him a reaction.

 

Are you upset he is not wanting to continue the affair?? Is that why you want him to call you??? What is the goal here for you??? NC or continued adultery???

 

If you give him "crickets" it wil end. If you read most of the literature, most men enter affairs for SEX, period. Once they are certain the sex is over, they normally do not carry on the emotional attachment that women do. That is why you do not see as many threads by men on here "yearning" for the AP and unable to stop breaking NC or losing their marriages because they cannot go NC.

 

As long as there is a chance you will get into bed with him again, and until he believes he has a better chance of being hit by lightning, he may try to "probe" you, and this could go on a while.

 

I do not know your whole situation, which is why I asked about your goal here, and if you are married, there is no concern here about your husband.

 

So are you complaining about being stalked or upset about him not being more aggressive in chasing you.???

[elaine567]

You are a married woman with a child who has been having this affair for 3 years.

YOU seem to be playing some sort of a game here. Why isn't he blocked if you are truly NC and wanting to end things?

My guess is you want him to pay for his mistake of not turning off his phone when his wife was calling. YOU are peeved and want him to suffer.

BUT in order to suffer he has to care and I guess he may be a bit put out due to the lack of extra sex but otherwise... I guess not.

 

What is your plan here?

Can you actually afford financially and emotionally to lose your husband and be a single mother if you get found out?

[marische]

He stopped contacting you completely after that argument about his wife calling and calling, so I would not be surprised if she does know. He may have confessed but if not, she will have been mightily suspicious anyway.

He will have lain low for a while whilst she was keeping an eye on him or whilst he was "reconciling".

 

He probably now thinks the coast is clear, hence him getting back in contact with you, OR it is as Freengreen suggests his wife is testing you and him.

 

That are so many ways to contact without any trace, VOIP phones and apps... I just find it odd that he would be sending friendship requests on social media.

[marische]

Are you upset he is not wanting to continue the affair?? Is that why you want him to call you???

LOL!! No, I am the one doind NC

 

What is the goal here for you??? NC or continued adultery???

I am not sure what's my goal now

 

If you give him "crickets" it wil end. If you read most of the literature, most men enter affairs for SEX, period. Once they are certain the sex is over, they normally do not carry on the emotional attachment that women do. That is why you do not see as many threads by men on here "yearning" for the AP and unable to stop breaking NC or losing their marriages because they cannot go NC.

If MM entered into affairs only for sex that would be no affairs, bc they would be able to have sex with their own wife

 

As long as there is a chance you will get into bed with him again, and until he believes he has a better chance of being hit by lightning, he may try to "probe" you, and this could go on a while.

 

I do not know your whole situation,

You clearly don't I will have to agree

which is why I asked about your goal here, and if you are married, there is no concern here about your husband.

Why should I be comcerned about my husband I am a great wife, he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how wondeful I am.

 

So are you complaining about being stalked or upset about him not being more aggressive in chasing you.???

I just find ir odd, I think when you want to contact someone you should call and speak to that person, not add that person on facebook

[somanymistakes]

I just find ir odd, I think when you want to contact someone you should call and speak to that person, not add that person on facebook

 

I'm very shy sometimes so I have definitely been in the position of reaching out to people via easy social media stuff first to get a feeling for whether they want to talk to me or not rather than just calling them out of the blue. Because I don't like to feel pushy, especially if it's not something very important.

[elaine567]

If MM entered into affairs only for sex that would be no affairs, bc they would be able to have sex with their own wife

 

[]

 

He is either getting poor sex or no sex or not the type of sex he wants at home, or he just wants "extra" or variety, so he looks around for some woman who can give him that.

Yes he may enjoy the closeness and the affection too, but as you found out when you challenged his wife's place in his life, you were immediately pushed aside (literally) and binned.

Yes, you can claim the NC was your idea but you just narrowly beat him to the chase. You left all your social media avenues open, but he ignored you for 2 months...

He essentially shut you down and now he is probably getting a bit horny again, so is trying to get you back on board.

 

I know it is not nice to hear, but affairs are usually not particularly nice.

Edited May 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unproductive to topic ~6

[FoundMyStrength]

I don't understand why you think it's odd. You told him not to contact you, so he isn't. But, bc it's an affair, he's hooked on the sex and ego boosts. So he's​ trying the back door. He wants you to see his name, pic, posts so that you miss him and invite him back into your life.

 

To give you a reference point, I've been out of the affair for 8 months, and my xMM still checks the one social media account I've had to leave public a few times a month. This is pretty typical affair behavior.

[Overtaxed]

I don't understand why you think it's odd. You told him not to contact you, so he isn't. But, bc it's an affair, he's hooked on the sex and ego boosts. So he's​ trying the back door. He wants you to see his name, pic, posts so that you miss him and invite him back into your life.

 

To give you a reference point, I've been out of the affair for 8 months, and my xMM still checks the one social media account I've had to leave public a few times a month. This is pretty typical affair behavior.

 

Of course, it's far easier to have sex with someone you've already slept with than to try to find someone new. Typical relationship behavior for men, not just an A.