He gave Reasons why he didnt want me!

[Redhead14]

Ok I can deal with of the philosophy of not being the right fit. I think he knew that months ago when the situationShip had began. He shouldnt had strung me me along for four months.

 

Hey, things seemed to be going the way you had hoped. 3 or 4 months is a drop in the bucket in terms of getting to know someone to determine whether or not you will have a long-term, committed relationship.

 

You never know when you or the other person will come upon something that turns you off to that person really. In the first few months, you really are finding out new things about them. My point is, if you are liking the person, they seem to like you and you have communicated effectively about what you are looking for our of your dating journey and received satisfactory demonstration that the other person is on the same page, then you just need to take the risk and be prepared to invest a little time.

 

You finally just saw the "real him" and so now you should be at least somewhat glad that things didn't go any further.

 

He shouldnt had strung me me along for four months -- Well, you should give a tiny bit of credit that he did end it when he did and realized you really did want more from him. I mean, if you didn't question him again, he may have continued on with you for longer.

 

All I'm saying is you did the right thing, at the right time by raising the issue when you realized something wasn't right and so you should pat yourself on the back some.

[greenleaf2004]

What's betting he was kinky too and realised that you were not likely to want to share the kind of fantasies he had? He is sounding more and more like the judgmental guy I met.

 

If his colleagues think he seeking the perfect girl then it does sound like they think he is a serial dater who is never going to find the 'right' woman. It is quite a cold way of looking at a person really, to see if they match up to a ticklist. I doubt he is capable of caring for anyone.

 

I agree, I dont think he loves himself at.... all its all a facade. He definitely doesn't know what it is to love anyone. People are only used for his personal gain. Its funny because he was good at pretending.

[greenleaf2004]

Teacher to teacher...**** him.

 

I love teaching children and I would not tolerate anyone who felt I was not living up to my potential.

 

There's someone who stands by you and supports you in life, and then there's someone who brings you down only to make themselves look stronger and more successful.

 

He's the latter.

 

See ya Mr. Lawyer!

 

Thank you. I'm human and I'm still learning. I should know how to gauge a person's character better by now. I have to stop trying to find good in every person that I meet. And I need to learn how to move on from people that dont deserve my loyalty. My next love interest will have to be extremely supportive. I will run from any man that displays a mean spirited sense of humor.

[greenleaf2004]

Thank you all for your comments.I read them all repeatedly days ago, but was too out of it to respond. Ive been keeping busy to keep my mind off of this man. Emotionally I feel better for now. Though today I got lonely for a split second and I admit that I shed a tear.

 

I keep thinking about him. I will never contact him. I just keep remembering the good fun times, which make me miss him. I keep suppressing all the negative, mean spirited things that he's said and done to me. I cant keep forgetting these things. I hate that I always see good in people which leaves me hurt every time. Ive had this problem my whole life with family, friends, and love interests.

 

That leads me to believing that I have some issues with boundaries. I seem confident in the real world.... but the fact is that I am lacking boundaries, im tired of being walked on, and I need to change. I bought a Book called Safe People, and it addresses these issues. I want to change.

[Redhead14]

The tear you shed was not for him, it was for the IDEA of him -- the hope that things would develop and the vision you had in your head about him and who you had hoped he would be.

[Kamille]

I admire your desire to learn from this situation. If anything should be taken away, it's to stay away from men who feel the need to criticize you. You sound like such a lovely, put together, reasonable person. And the fact that you see the good in others? That's a great thing. Don't let that go. Just remember that others owe you the same courtesy.

 

 

He said that I seemed unwilling to do things that he needed me to do to make him happy. He said that he waited around 4 months to see if I would change my philosophy and behavior. He said that me coming to see him and spending time with him was not enough.

 

 

So he was in a relationship with a woman he hoped would change for him. He's phrasing it very poorly and is being needy ass by continuing to text you, but this was his mistake. The one cardinal rule of dating is that you don't start hoping someone will change for you.

 

He lacks self-awareness. But the bottom line, as others have said, is this: you weren't compatible. You have an easy-going amiable personality, so it perhaps wasn't as obvious to you as quickly as it was to him.

 

 

 

It's too late I responded 2 days ago .I briefly told him that I hope he finds what he's looking for . I wish I didn't say a word.

 

 

I think that was a really classy thing to text back. Please try to stop being so hard on yourself. I truly admire how you're handling this breakup.

[Ieris]

@greenleaf2004 ~ I know it's easy to slate him for everything that went wrong but having read this whole thread it came across as if you was trying to win him over the whole time. You were being so nice, so thoughtful, so giving, you took 2 steps forward that he didn't have to make any effort with you.

 

The funny thing is that I never requested anything from him other than time .... And I gave him lots of my time.

~ This is where you went wrong, there are people who are high maintenance but you required no maintenance. I think the least you should have demanded was some respect. Relationships are about giving and taking but you was just give give give and got taken advantage of.

 

At the same time he was making little effort and not even treating me nicely.

~ He didn't treat you nicely and you stuck around anyway... this teaches him it's OK to treat you this way because you simply allowed it.

 

Even though he would throw insults at me I still will not say anything mean. I am not that person.

~ He keeps thinking he is above you because he is a lawyer and you're a teacher but you're already above him and you can give him an education on so many things.. manners for one. You can have a field day trading insults with him as he has so many weak points, you can make him feel so small (well he kind of is already) but I'm glad you're not stooping to his level.

 

That guy is low value but because you was chasing after him despite him being a jerk, this made him think he was above you. Being nice and giving, letting things slide just to keep peace can score you points but don't be afraid of a few clashes here and there because at least it shows you would stand up for yourself.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Ieris

[BC1980]

I keep thinking about him. I will never contact him. I just keep remembering the good fun times, which make me miss him. I keep suppressing all the negative, mean spirited things that he's said and done to me. I cant keep forgetting these things. I hate that I always see good in people which leaves me hurt every time. Ive had this problem my whole life with family, friends, and love interests.

 

That leads me to believing that I have some issues with boundaries. I seem confident in the real world.... but the fact is that I am lacking boundaries, im tired of being walked on, and I need to change. I bought a Book called Safe People, and it addresses these issues. I want to change.

 

I think many of us fall into the trap of only seeing the good and ignoring the bad. I think it's human nature because we want good things for ourselves. We have an incredible penchant for denying reality. Especially when emotions are involved. Just take a look around these forums, and you will see people in deep denial. We've all been there.

 

Dating is hard because you put in effort, and, often times, you don't reap the rewards of a relationship. You often end up dating a lot of people before you find someone who truly clicks with you. It's unlike anything else. I think you handled this a lot better than many people would. 4 months is a very short time. Many people would not have even asked the guy where this was going at 4 months. Many people would have kept hoping for the best. I don't think there is much more you could have asked of yourself in this situation. If anything, you learned to trust you gut instincts.

[greenleaf2004]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I read them earlier this week, but needed time to process them. Another week has passed. I appreciate how nice most of you have been. Sometimes when chatting on public forums the members can be very harsh and critical, which adds more salt to the wound. But you ladies and gents are very kind.

 

After work I went to several happy hours and events this week. So I spent the week having fun.

 

I woke up several days this week without the lawyer being the first thing on my mind.

 

The lawyer contacted me again on Thursday. He sent a link about education reform. I was thinking....Why would he send me this crap? It's like I didnt meet his standards, but he wants to keep communicating. It's dysfunctional. Its funny that he pops up whenever Im 100% not thinking about him.

 

For my response, All I said was thanks. He wont get any conversations from me. The next time he texts me I will not respond at all. Its hard for me to ignore people, but I have 100% decided not to respond. I was reading about Ex's and breadcrumbs. The article said that ex's send texts to string folks along. I don't want him to have that power.

[JuneL]

I think you were making things way too easy for him. Why couldn't you take turns driving to each other's place? Did you not also have a full-time job and get tired after a full day of work? If anything, he was the one who was lazy!

 

I personally don't care too much about a guy's looks (as long as he keeps himself clean and healthy). But his height (5'3") is an automatic deal-breaker to many women. He really got the nerve to criticize you

 

 

So the lawyer guy I was dating for 4 months that would commit sent me a long text message on Wednesday, 3 days after he dumped me on the phone. Before I received the message I was at a better space since my friends had been talking to me and comforting me. But I opened the letter at work and instantly felt hurt.

 

 

It seemed like it was going to be a apology letter, but instead it was a letter that listed the details on why I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship with.

 

 

He started the letter with “I am sorry that you are feeling hurt”. He told me that he needs someone to compliment his life and make it easier. He said that “He knew I could not make him happy”. He said that I seemed unwilling to do things that he needed me to do to make him happy. He said that he waited around 4 months to see if I would change my philosophy and behavior. He said that me coming to see him and spending time with him was not enough.

 

 

I ultimately am confused. I have always been a peaceful place for him. I never fussed. I came to see him and drove 20 minutes to his home several days a week since i knew he was tired. I never asked him for anything. I was affectionate. I called and texted every day. I invested time and energy just like him. What else was I supposed to do to gain his commitment? Was I supposed to cook and clean for him???? He told me that cooking was intimate, so he would not cook for me! But he wanted me to do it for him?! I don't get it. What else was I suppose to do in a 4 month uncommitted relationship????

 

I thought we were building a friendship. It feels like I lost my friend. I always thought that relationships were built of trust, friendship, companionship, empathy, and love. I never knew that it was suppose to be built on what another person can do for me to make me happy. I am happy on my own.

 

 

I would have been more likely to cook and clean in a relationship. Im confused. At else I could have done to keep him. Please give me input.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's my original story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/622129-dating-without-titles-commitment

[BC1980]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I read them earlier this week, but needed time to process them. Another week has passed. I appreciate how nice most of you have been. Sometimes when chatting on public forums the members can be very harsh and critical, which adds more salt to the wound. But you ladies and gents are very kind.

 

After work I went to several happy hours and events this week. So I spent the week having fun.

 

I woke up several days this week without the lawyer being the first thing on my mind.

 

The lawyer contacted me again on Thursday. He sent a link about education reform. I was thinking....Why would he send me this crap? It's like I didnt meet his standards, but he wants to keep communicating. It's dysfunctional. Its funny that he pops up whenever Im 100% not thinking about him.

 

For my response, All I said was thanks. He wont get any conversations from me. The next time he texts me I will not respond at all. Its hard for me to ignore people, but I have 100% decided not to respond. I was reading about Ex's and breadcrumbs. The article said that ex's send texts to string folks along. I don't want him to have that power.

 

I think you hurt his ego a bit because you never begged for him to change his mind or offered to change yourself to make him happy. You just said, this is who I am and accepted the breakup. That is a strong statement. He seems so full of himself that I wonder if if caught him off guard that you accepted that it ended. He keeps contacting you because his ego can't process that you're okay moving on.

[airborne3502]

I think you hurt his ego a bit because you never begged for him to change his mind or offered to change yourself to make him happy. You just said, this is who I am and accepted the breakup. That is a strong statement. He seems so full of himself that I wonder if if caught him off guard that you accepted that it ended. He keeps contacting you because his ego can't process that you're okay moving on.

 

 

This.

 

Well played greenleaf2004, well played indeed.

[greenleaf2004]

It's funny how some things are suppressed from the memory until you're ready to handle it.

 

I was just sitting back thinking about 1 of the last conversations that I had with the lawyer . He sounded really down and depressed that evening. He began telling me about his past 3 relationships and all the arguing and bickering and fighting. And of course it was always the females fault!

 

 

Then he slipped up and said that he went to the therapist in the past about these relationship issues. He never told me that before. He was confiding in me deeply that night and I had my ears open. Things didnt sound right. So I started to ask questions. I know a good amount of knowledge about Narcissism and emotional unavailability. I read a lot. I started to ask questions....

 

I asked him if he was emotionally unavailable. He paused and said maybe to an extent. I asked him if he knew what Narcissism was and he pretended like he was uniformed about it....He said that he had to look that up. He's very intelligent..... His response was unconvincing. I think he displayed signs of Narcissism.

 

 

From that point I knew that he wasn't going to be with me. If the last females were all at fault and imperfect, then It was going to be the same with me.

 

That's when I sent him the text the next morning asking him about his intents...

 

I need to defend and protect myself better in the future. I have to stop viewing people through rose colored lenses. I get mad at myself because I know better.....But I always get blinded by love. Each and every time.

 

 

I'm just venting guys!

Edited May 11, 2017 by greenleaf2004

[Redhead14]

Greenleaf, you didn't know what you didn't know until you knew it. My point is, once you saw/started seeing the writing on the wall, you asked questions and then pinned him down. You did what you could/should do. Dating is all about observation and evaluating as new information/signs, etc. appear. Very few people wear a sign on their foreheads -- "hey, in a couple of weeks you're going to find out I'm not a good dating partner" so rarely can you eliminate the risk of dating someone immediately. Sometimes, you can, but not often.

 

The truth is that, if you're enjoying time spent with a new dating partner, you should just do that until . . . you're not anymore or they show you who they really are/aren't. People need to be prepared to invest some time but only enough time to get a better view of the person.

 

I just want you to stop pinging yourself for not knowing and/or not bailing sooner. It's done with and you're out of it now . . . so keep moving forward. He isn't worth the energy and emotion . . . spend all that on something that is all about you and fun

[spiderowl]

Just re-reading bits of this thread, he said he knew you wouldn't be able to make him happy, would not do what he wanted. I get the feeling he repeated this a few times in his letter? If he did, I think this phrase is important. I feel there is something he was not telling you about what would make him happy - probably something a bit odd that he would not tell people unless he thought they would accept it. I think there is more going on here than even he told you. It could be a kink of some sort or maybe he's bisexual or something. Anyway, he has sensed you would not be happy to be in a relationship with someone with his particular inclinations and so he has opted to leave before you do. By way of explanation he is blaming you. Rather unfair in the circumstances!

[Sweetfish]

Not really concerned with this lawyer guy... whats interesting is your opening statement.

 

You said you have a hard time dating?

 

You also state you were celibate for almost 4 years. Interested to know why?

 

 

Lets be realistic and look at the facts.

 

You met him in December and held out 15 dates before sex. So what?

 

He was meeting other women and/or had sex with other women for 3 month.

 

So you took his word that the other women were out of the picture. Dear... if he is a lawyer, has confidence, and "different than other men" he had warm-up pitchers that satisfied his needs and once he got the sex it wasnt better than the warm-up pitchers he bailed.

 

So in a way you weeded out someone that in the long run could have been a relationship nightmare.

 

Holding out on sex is a double edge sword. Give it up too fast and your in love with the unknown... give it up too late and he may lose attraction to you

[greenleaf2004]

Not really concerned with this lawyer guy... whats interesting is your opening statement.

 

You said you have a hard time dating?

 

You also state you were celibate for almost 4 years. Interested to know why?

 

 

Lets be realistic and look at the facts.

 

You met him in December and held out 15 dates before sex. So what?

 

He was meeting other women and/or had sex with other women for 3 month.

 

So you took his word that the other women were out of the picture. Dear... if he is a lawyer, has confidence, and "different than other men" he had warm-up pitchers that satisfied his needs and once he got the sex it wasnt better than the warm-up pitchers he bailed.

 

So in a way you weeded out someone that in the long run could have been a relationship nightmare.

 

Holding out on sex is a double edge sword. Give it up too fast and your in love with the unknown... give it up too late and he may lose attraction to you

 

I will continue to hold out on sex until I am ready. I do not have casual sex. Never have. Never will. Take care

[greenleaf2004]

Good morning to all. Another week has past. I spent this week doing lots of spring festivities, cleaning out my classroom, and preparing for my 2 vacations coming up soon. I’m human so I’m sure thoughts of him will come and go over the next few months, but I rarely thought about the lawyer this week. So it has been a good week.

 

 

 

I met a new guy, and he has been calling and texting a lot. He’s extremely nice, handsome, good morals, good career, etc. I’ll slowly get to know him. I realized that I run from men that are overly nice….so I will make myself get to know this one. I'm not entertaining any more critical, negative guys

 

 

Have a great week everyone

[greenleaf2004]

Just re-reading bits of this thread, he said he knew you wouldn't be able to make him happy, would not do what he wanted. I get the feeling he repeated this a few times in his letter? If he did, I think this phrase is important. I feel there is something he was not telling you about what would make him happy - probably something a bit odd that he would not tell people unless he thought they would accept it. I think there is more going on here than even he told you. It could be a kink of some sort or maybe he's bisexual or something. Anyway, he has sensed you would not be happy to be in a relationship with someone with his particular inclinations and so he has opted to leave before you do. By way of explanation he is blaming you. Rather unfair in the circumstances!

 

I totally agree with you! He did say " he knew I wouldn't be able to make him happy, and would not do what he wanted....He said it several times. Im still not sure want he wanted because he never said it. But I'm sure it was something perverted since he was fixated on sex. Who knows! I hope he finds what he is looking for :lmao:.