He gave Reasons why he didnt want me!

[elaine567]

When I met him, he came on strong.

He told me How much he liked me early on. So i was thinking that he was interested. Then after that, he stop telling me that he like me. He would only say negative stuff about anything and everything ( but in a joking manner). I always asked him if he ever had anything positive to say. He became emotionless. I asked him during our last conversation if he was emotionally unavailable. He said yes a little. I also found out that he saw a therapist after his last breakup

 

Idealization, devaluation, discarding - the common three main phases of dating a narcissist or a sociopath.

[Redhead14]

Thank you.

 

I just wish he would have dropped me after the first time having sex. He shouldnt have stuck around and wasted my time

 

And, would that have actually made you feel any better? It would basically have been a one-night stand and you would have been here now asking why he bailed and if it was because of the sex. And, perhaps, just because it wasn't so great the first time, maybe he just chalked it up to nerves, "out of practice", whatever. So, he gave it a little more time. There are lots of maybes here that can never really be answered unless we had a window into his head.

 

He shouldnt have stuck around and wasted my time -- Listen, you were "doing it" too and you pretty much did what you should have done, which is to wait before having sex. IMO, though, when you wait too long and start getting involved and then add sex to the equation and it's not what you hoped it would be, it's just as difficult. It's kind of a catch-22.

 

And, if we try to get in his head a little, he may be thinking "wow, I spent 4 months dating this woman, finally had sex and it was painful for her and unsatisfying and I was uncomfortable every time and it seems like she's gotten attached -- time to bail". That's just a possible thought process. However, if this guy were really attached to you emotionally, at least, he would have been more understanding and tried to work it out with you so that you were more comfortable and ease back into that. I really just think he wasn't invested and probably didn't want to be.

 

I'm not suggesting sleeping around to get back in shape in that area, but perhaps a visit to the gynecologist for suggestions and maybe lubricants or homone treatments (dryness caused by early menopause?) at least check out if there is something "going on" down there that needs attention. My point is that you should check things out so that, if you do decide, to be intimate with someone again, you can hopefully reduce the chances of this situation again.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Redhead14

[greenleaf2004]

And, would that have actually made you feel any better? It would basically have been a one-night stand and you would have been here now asking why he bailed and if it was because of the sex. And, perhaps, just because it wasn't so great the first time, maybe he just chalked it up to nerves, "out of practice", whatever. So, he gave it a little more time. There are lots of maybes here that can never really be answered unless we had a window into his head.

 

He shouldnt have stuck around and wasted my time -- Listen, you were "doing it" too and you pretty much did what you should have done, which is to wait before having sex. IMO, though, when you wait too long and start getting involved and then add sex to the equation and it's not what you hoped it would be, it's just as difficult. It's kind of a catch-22.

 

And, if we try to get in his head a little, he may be thinking "wow, I spent 4 months dating this woman, finally had sex and it was painful for her and unsatisfying and I was uncomfortable every time and it seems like she's gotten attached -- time to bail". That's just a possible thought process. However, if this guy were really attached to you emotionally, at least, he would have been more understanding and tried to work it out with you so that you were more comfortable and ease back into that. I really just think he wasn't invested and probably didn't want to be.

 

I'm not suggesting sleeping around to get back in shape in that area, but perhaps a visit to the gynecologist for suggestions and maybe lubricants or homone treatments (dryness caused by early menopause?) at least check out if there is something "going on" down there that needs attention. My point is that you should check things out so that, if you do decide, to be intimate with someone again, you can hopefully reduce the chances of this situation again.

 

Good morning, Vaginal dryness wasn't the problem. He actually commented on how wet it always was lol. Sorry for thr TMI. I actually was ripped the first time because he entered me too early and quickly which caused me to tear. The other 3 times I didnt have a problem. The problem was that I didnt feel his penis. He was very thin and not extremely long. He had a orgasm each time we slept together, but I did not.

I think the problem had more to do with my inhibition levels. He kept bragging about how kinky and freaky his ex girlfriends were. I wasnt in a relationship with him, and the sex was new so I wasnt to wild with the sex.

 

Also, He relied on lots of oral sex.... Thats not my favorite, but I let him preform it on me since he insisted so much.

 

After the 5th date, I started kissing him, and we always kissed and had so much chemistry all the time.

 

Like you said, I think he just wasnt invested. He never had intents on being with me. He just strung me along as something to do. I found out that I greatly looked like his ex fiances... He still is hurt from her leaving him last summer. I bet he still loves hurt.

 

I think if he truly cared about me that the sex issues would have been a problem. Ive had a handful of partners.... they have never complained about sex with me. Im not that lazy or terrible in bed lol. But I cant have anal sex with a guy im not in a relationship with.

Edited April 25, 2017 by greenleaf2004

[greenleaf2004]

He just talked to me a lot, text me all day, and confided in me. So I thought that we were closer than we really were. The night before our last conversation he was really confiding in me and telling me some things that made him hurt. Especially about the ex leaving him. I thought he trusted me. He would text me at the top of the morning so I thought that i was more important than i obviously was. It just truly felt like a relationship. He continued paying me attention until i asked him his intents.

[greenleaf2004]

He later told me that he likes a certain race of women because they are sluts in bed..... Its like He became fixated on sex and it obviously was his main concern.

 

He did all this complaining about women of all ages and races. He said that everyone was argumentative, confused, didnt know what they wanted in life or love, etc.

 

But then he met me, a lady that is stable, and knows what she wants.....He didn't want that! He wanted the drama, fighting, and excitement.

[greenleaf2004]

Thank you everyone for chatting with me. Its really helping me to rationalize the situation.

[greenleaf2004]

So one month in, you basically knew that you had a problem and turned a blind eye. Not being pissy but the cracks in the relationship were forming and you didn't address them.

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for bs and I rarely get hurt...and yet I love deeply.

 

You sound wonderful to me, just stick to your needs being met and be vigilant about your partner's behavior.

 

Thank you. The sad thing is that I am normally very strong when it comes to dating and dealing with situations like this. Somehow this man was able to get my walls down. I wanted him. I ignore all red flags

[greenleaf2004]

I was celibate for 3 years prior to my ex (we broke up on Easter after almost a year) and he has many of the same characteristics as your little lawyer guy - controlling, lacking in empathy, self centeredness...

 

Sex was also painful for me for the same reason, and also because he never cared about my needs. I still enjoyed it on some level, but the goal was always about him finishing. He was never concerned either when it was painful...zero compassion or caring.

 

I'm looking back now after only 9 days and wondering - wtf was I thinking??? I sold myself way too short...just like you did.

 

There are so many wonderful, caring, sensitive, smart, single men out there. There's no reason why we have to settle.

 

Thank you much! And I hope that you're doing better after your breakup. Your are right that there is no reason to settle.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

It sounds like you've received some solid advice so that's good. My thoughts are that the guy is a douche.

 

 

As much as he says he doesn't like the arguing and dating Lawyers, this is exactly the type of women he usually goes for. You sound like the complete opposite.

 

 

I think we all do it at some point, we try someone different thinking that's what we really want when actually it isn't. This isn't a reflection on you, this is completely on him.

 

 

You shouldn't feel used when it comes to sex. Clearly at that point in time you were ready for it. Unfortunately you didn't work well sexually together. It sounds like you've given him lots of allowances but really who should you just 'settle'??

 

 

I know this has knocked your confidence but try just see it as a new experience. In the 20 dates, I'm sure you had some fun. Take the good times but remember that in the long run, it wouldn't have worked!!

 

 

Take some time to heal but don't let this fool knock your confidence too much.

[stillafool]

He probably is looking for commitment but you two weren't sexually compatible. That is important to men and they will put up with a lot if they like the sex. I agree you shouldn't feel bad about having sex with him because at that point you must have wanted it to. You sound like a very nice woman and won't have problems finding someone.

[Miss Peach]

In the past guys wanted a commitment from me early on. I was with my first boyfriend for 2 weeks then we became a couple. I guess I wanted to thoroughly take my time and get to know this guy. I thought that he liked me since he always talked to me ...I thought he was getting attached. I was wrong.

 

I've found listening to my guy friends and coworkers that men seem to figure things out earlier than woman. Most usually figure out what they want within the first month IME.

 

Part of me is wondering if I chased him away by asking about our relationship status. But The other part of me knows that if we werent a couple by 4 months then we would never be a couple. Im very careful about whom I sleep with, but I some how was blinded by this guy.

 

I would have been hurt too but those comments. But if he didn't push for more after 4 months I don't think you chased him off per se. He was going to do the same thing as long as he could get away with it and you just showed him he couldn't get away with it.

[spiderowl]

I had a brief relationship with someone who sounds awfully similar to this guy. He started out really nice, keen, gentlemanly, and then after a short while start to show impatience at little things. He was a 'foodie' and I felt he looked down on my cooking (not that I was trying to impress him, just made something my friends and family generally enjoy). He walked ahead of me at times (he had long legs so I put it down to that, but it was a sign). He started to comment on things, just in passing, but it made me aware that he was evaluating me.

 

Anyway, it ended badly after an argument because he was pressuring me about something. When we broke up, he cut off completely, absolutely nothing from him whatsoever. It was partly my fault in that I didn't want to stay friends because he'd broken up with me, but still it hurt that he shut off so coldly. In fact, he was getting colder as time went on. We managed three months but he struggled as Christmas approached. I honestly think he was wondering whether to commit himself to getting me a present or not. I could tell something was wrong. I think he even worried that I'd slept with him - I think he had got the idea it was too soon. All in all, he was judgmental all along and had a short fuse.

Edited April 25, 2017 by spiderowl

[BC1980]

I had a brief relationship with someone who sounds awfully similar to this guy. He started out really nice, keen, gentlemanly, and then after a short while start to show impatience at little things. He was a 'foodie' and I felt he looked down on my cooking (not that I was trying to impress him, just made something my friends and family generally enjoy). He walked ahead of me at times (he had long legs so I put it down to that, but it was a sign). He started to comment on things, just in passing, but it made me aware that he was evaluating me.

 

Anyway, it ended badly after an argument because he was pressuring me about something. When we broke up, he cut off completely, absolutely nothing from him whatsoever. It was partly my fault in that I didn't want to stay friends because he'd broken up with me, but still it hurt that he shut off so coldly. In fact, he was getting colder as time went on. We managed three months but he struggled as Christmas approached. I honestly think he was wondering whether to commit himself to getting me a present or not. I could tell something was wrong. I think he even worried that I'd slept with him - I think he had got the idea it was too soon. All in all, he was judgmental all along and had a short fuse.

 

Ugh. That sounds like my ex. Evaluating is a good way to put it. I got caught up in a cycle of trying to be good enough because I felt like I was always being tested. Come to think of it, my ex never said he liked or loved me for who I was. The OP's story sent off warning bells for me. Anyone degrading your profession is a red flag. You can never be "good enough" for some people. It turns into a toxic dynamic.

[greenleaf2004]

He probably is looking for commitment but you two weren't sexually compatible. That is important to men and they will put up with a lot if they like the sex. I agree you shouldn't feel bad about having sex with him because at that point you must have wanted it to. You sound like a very nice woman and won't have problems finding someone.

 

But dont you think he would have wanted to be exclusive after a month or 2 of dating? Im starting to think that he never had plans of being with me long term. I dont understand why he would waste 4 months of time, effort, money,phone calls, etc just to sleep with me and drop me if I was terrible in bed. There are so many women that he could have easily got sex from.

[greenleaf2004]

Yesterday I tried to keep myself busy and offline. I went on a casual date....had coffee with a man from the past. I talked to him for a few hours. I didnt tell him anything about this recent breakup.

 

Part of me wants to hide in the house forever and cry.... But I think I will continue to date. I wont jump into a relationship and rebound. But I want to move forward.

 

I will probably have some were severe trust issues after this experience. I feel It. I have more respect for all the men that I have dated that told me it wasn't working out and just broke things off instead of leading me on and using me. Yes I wanted the sex, but that was on the contingency that we were moving towards a relationship. He knew a relationship was my ultimate goal. And now I see that he had no intents on committing.

 

I just remembered that he told me during the last conversation that I should have used my intuition and gut instinct. What!? YOU PRETENDED TO BE MY FRIEND, YOU SPENT ALL THIS TIME, and then you wanted me to guess that you didn't like me! Im only human, why play with my heart. He didnt want his heart ruined, so why do it to other people at almost 40 years old. I am not a toy that is used and tossed away.

 

Even if the sex was great He still wasn't going to commit. After the newness wore off he didn't want me. Thats when he started to criticize me 1 month later.

 

He kept asking and doubting if we had things in common . And the thing is I never understood why he would ask that. We both enjoyed a few hobbies and had fun together so I thought. We are both educated, no kids, never, married. There was chemistry. So even before the sex I see that he was doubting me and his compatibility....He knew I wasnt his type of person. His coworkers have told him that he was too picky, but he said why should he settle. He loves women with high power jobs. He likes status. There is no way that this little, lazy teacher could compete with that.

 

He told me that since he is so hard on himself that he also has those expectations for other people.

 

He told me that in his childhood that his family showed affection by picking on each other. I knew that didn't sound right.

 

So Im at a point now WHERE I AM MAD AT MYSELF for falling for this. I didnt protect myself. IM PISSED!!!

 

There is a reason why he has never married at 38 after having a 6 year live in girlfriend, a 1 year fiance, and probably a string of other short relationships. A girl he was dating when I met him said that she was tired of being disappointed by him. At that time he broke things off with her and told me he was only interested in me. And like a dummy I believed it.

 

My friend claims that I should have faked a orgasm in bed and maybe her would have stayed around. But honestly I wouldn't want that type of person to be in my life.

 

My love and friendship is real and only a honest, sincere person deserves.

 

Im sorry for this rant.... I woke up this morning and had to get that off my chest. Off to work for me.

[greenleaf2004]

Ugh. That sounds like my ex. Evaluating is a good way to put it. I got caught up in a cycle of trying to be good enough because I felt like I was always being tested. Come to think of it, my ex never said he liked or loved me for who I was. The OP's story sent off warning bells for me. Anyone degrading your profession is a red flag. You can never be "good enough" for some people. It turns into a toxic dynamic.

 

I definitely wasn't good enough for him. He just thought I was attractive.

 

On thursday I told him that we wouldn't be having sex every time he saw me, he gave me a look that i had never seen before. He looked pissed, but tried to hide it. So my sex is so terrible but he's pissed off cause I told him that is wasn't going to be available. He was not my man so I didnt have to have sex with him whenever he wanted.

Edited April 26, 2017 by greenleaf2004

[greenleaf2004]

So the lawyer guy I was dating for 4 months that would commit sent me a long text message on Wednesday, 3 days after he dumped me on the phone. Before I received the message I was at a better space since my friends had been talking to me and comforting me. But I opened the letter at work and instantly felt hurt.

 

 

It seemed like it was going to be a apology letter, but instead it was a letter that listed the details on why I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship with.

 

 

He started the letter with “I am sorry that you are feeling hurt”. He told me that he needs someone to compliment his life and make it easier. He said that “He knew I could not make him happy”. He said that I seemed unwilling to do things that he needed me to do to make him happy. He said that he waited around 4 months to see if I would change my philosophy and behavior. He said that me coming to see him and spending time with him was not enough.

 

 

I ultimately am confused. I have always been a peaceful place for him. I never fussed. I came to see him and drove 20 minutes to his home several days a week since i knew he was tired. I never asked him for anything. I was affectionate. I called and texted every day. I invested time and energy just like him. What else was I supposed to do to gain his commitment? Was I supposed to cook and clean for him???? He told me that cooking was intimate, so he would not cook for me! But he wanted me to do it for him?! I don't get it. What else was I suppose to do in a 4 month uncommitted relationship????

 

I thought we were building a friendship. It feels like I lost my friend. I always thought that relationships were built of trust, friendship, companionship, empathy, and love. I never knew that it was suppose to be built on what another person can do for me to make me happy. I am happy on my own.

 

 

I would have been more likely to cook and clean in a relationship. Im confused. At else I could have done to keep him. Please give me input.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's my original story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/622129-dating-without-titles-commitment

[d0nnivain]

Chalk it up to him being full of himself & a poor match for you & move on. The right guy will appreciate the real you & the things that you did for this lawyer who didn't care. In this case, it's not you. It's him.

[Redhead14]

I am happy on my own. -- And that is what you should be focusing on. Whatever his reasons are, they are all about him and that's the way it should be. If he has identified and is focused on what he wants in/out of a relationship and isn't finding those things with you, then he is doing what he should do.

 

Frankly, in reading what you've said about "how" you were in that relationship, it sounded to me like you were doing a lot of the "work" and it was unbalanced in terms of getting what you need. If this continued, you would have found yourself drained and put upon even at the level you were giving. So, if he became specific and asked/demanded that you do more/other things, you definitely would have gotten the short end of the stick..

 

Bottom line, it sounds like the guy was a taker not a giver and it would never have been a reciprocal and mutually satisfying relationship.

[Spring23]

So the lawyer guy I was dating for 4 months that would commit sent me a long text message on Wednesday, 3 days after he dumped me on the phone. Before I received the message I was at a better space since my friends had been talking to me and comforting me. But I opened the letter at work and instantly felt hurt.

 

 

It seemed like it was going to be a apology letter, but instead it was a letter that listed the details on why I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship with.

 

 

He started the letter with “I am sorry that you are feeling hurt”. He told me that he needs someone to compliment his life and make it easier. He said that “He knew I could not make him happy”. He said that I seemed unwilling to do things that he needed me to do to make him happy. He said that he waited around 4 months to see if I would change my philosophy and behavior. He said that me coming to see him and spending time with him was not enough.

 

 

I ultimately am confused. I have always been a peaceful place for him. I never fussed. I came to see him and drove 20 minutes to his home several days a week since i knew he was tired. I never asked him for anything. I was affectionate. I called and texted every day. I invested time and energy just like him. What else was I supposed to do to gain his commitment? Was I supposed to cook and clean for him???? He told me that cooking was intimate, so he would not cook for me! But he wanted me to do it for him?! I don't get it. What else was I suppose to do in a 4 month uncommitted relationship????

 

I thought we were building a friendship. It feels like I lost my friend. I always thought that relationships were built of trust, friendship, companionship, empathy, and love. I never knew that it was suppose to be built on what another person can do for me to make me happy. I am happy on my own.

 

 

I would have been more likely to cook and clean in a relationship. Im confused. At else I could have done to keep him. Please give me input.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's my original story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/622129-dating-without-titles-commitment

 

I had a boyfriend send me one of those letters. He basically told me that I was too needy and he wanted someone who wasn't.

 

I threw the letter away.

 

That's what you need to do because the letter is a piece of garbage. Then buy yourself some pretty boots and go out and flirt with cute guys.

[TheWoman]

Don't miss this guy, he is horrid and belittling. Sounds like he has a napoleon complex, lol. Seriously, NEXT him and move on.

 

You deserve much much better. You work in an amazing caring profession and you love your job, and he didn't think it was good enough.

 

You have different values: you value making a difference, and positive contribution, and sounds like he values money and sex. Personally I wouldn't touch a lawyer with a barge pole unless they were working in human rights or something with some meaning, because the money worshipers are not aligned with my values either.

 

Lucky escape, imagine having to live with someone who criticises you all the time. Oh and if the sex hurt, it was because it was crappy for you, not him! No matter how long the break, if you are turned on enough, it will not hurt especially with a 'small' guy. Nasty and bad in bed, really you can do better, it would be hard not too...

[1fish2fish]

What a d*ck!!

 

Please throw away that letter and breathe a sigh of relief that you're not stuck with such a pompous *********. You're not "good enough" for him???

 

I know it stings right now because you did care about him, but please believe it when we say that HE didn't deserve YOU!

 

I'd be tempted to write him back and say, "You're right. You could have never made me happy because your d*ck is too small." But that would be childish. lol

[basil67]

The letter was absolutely uncalled for. A very poor move on his part. And I can't begin to comprehend his cooking issue.

 

However my takeaway from the letter wasn't about how much time you spend with him or the kind things you did. Rather it was about your beliefs or approach to life. Did you have different politics or religious beliefs by any chance? Or was it optimist vs pessimist? This was bigger than your actions as a girlfriend.

 

At any rate, don't grieve him. If he felt this much of a mismatch you're better off without him.

[greenleaf2004]

The letter was absolutely uncalled for. A very poor move on his part. And I can't begin to comprehend his cooking issue.

 

However my takeaway from the letter wasn't about how much time you spend with him or the kind things you did. Rather it was about your beliefs or approach to life. Did you have different politics or religious beliefs by any chance? Or was it optimist vs pessimist? This was bigger than your actions as a girlfriend.

 

At any rate, don't grieve him. If he felt this much of a mismatch you're better off without him.

 

 

Good morning , Him and I were both Christians, we didn't discuss too much politics . I am a very optimistic person and happy. He is on the other hand very negative and doesn't know how to give compliments. We didn't have a lot of disagreements . Just mainly was him joking about my life and career choices . He called me lazy jokingly but now I see he was serious . I am a teacher and very successful I do not think I am lazy . But it seem like I was not good enough for him .

[1fish2fish]

. But it seem like I was not good enough for him .

 

 

NO!!!

 

This is merely his opinion, which we all know, means nothing. With his negative attitude and condescending attitude, he would have brought you down. Do NOT let this tool take away your happy and positive outlook on life. His opinion means NOTHING!