Wanting to leave a good relationship

[LostandLonging]

How are you? Have you made a decision?

 

A decision? Ha. I’ve been feeling this way for years and still haven’t found the cojones to make a decision. How about you? How are you doing?

[Aloneuk]

I know that feeling!

 

I think I'm going to move out and have some time to my self to see if that helps clarify things.

 

I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.

 

I hope having some time to myself will give me some much needed clarity in whichever direction. This neither in nor out is so difficult.

 

How about you?!

[elaine567]

I have done it all. In 2014 I was absolutely sick to death of doing things on my own. I didn’t think it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely. I told myself if we came home from one more day out and he went straight on to that computer to work on his business I was out. I was sitting with my bags packed and told him we needed to talk. I went into therapy. I said a lot has to change. 3 years later, it hasn’t. 3 years later I still feel this way. 3 years later the unfulfilled promises remain. 3 years later I still go to bed every night not wanting to touch him. 3 years later I am still giving up my dreams. 3 years later I still feel trapped. Believe me I have ****ing tried despite having no feelings beyond platonic for him, but it all feels so forced.

 

All this aside, mine is a flame that was never lit. I acknowledge I got into the relationship for the wrong reasons and got too comfortable and take full responsibility for it, but I can't continue like this - for both our sakes.

 

YOU have already wasted too many of the best years of your life here, time to grasp the nettle.

[elaine567]

I know that feeling!

I think I'm going to move out and have some time to my self to see if that helps clarify things.

I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.

I hope having some time to myself will give me some much needed clarity in whichever direction. This neither in nor out is so difficult.

How about you?!

Time for you to grasp the nettle too.

[MilitaryMan]

I just feel of your not happy or fulfilled, you need to come clean and be honest. Your obviously never going to be happy, so the best option is just to come clean

[Southern Sun]

Lost,

 

You are a victim of People Pleasing Syndrome.

 

Your "decisions" are just those that are least likely to hurt others or rock the boat.

 

In the meantime you are hurting yourself very much.

 

I've learned a lot about being self-centered and re-writing marital history through having an affair, so I understand the perspective of the men coming on here and saying that maybe you're not giving your partner a chance. But I honestly think you already know what you need to do...you are just scared to do it.

 

Staying scared will keep you in the exact same place that you should have gotten out of years ago. You have to stop fearing his reaction. What about your own? Do you not value that? Do you think you can take it better than he can?

 

You are too busy caretaking him to take care of yourself.

 

He is a full grown man. He will hurt, yes. But he will hurt more if you don't release him from a relationship where he is not truly loved. Maybe this will get him off his duff too, motivate him to get healthy, and find someone who cares about him the way a partner should.

 

You feel trapped because you are locking yourself in. You are the only one with the key.

[LostandLonging]

I think I'm going to move out and have sometime to my self to see if that helps clarify things.

 

I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.

 

Good luck, my friend.

 

For me it is tough because there IS no limbo. I know what I want. I know what I have to do. I just can’t bring myself to do it out of fear and guilt. And because (as much as some people here don’t believe it, I’m sure) I care for him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, even though I KNOW that by staying and not saying anything, I am doing more damage.

 

Lost,

 

You are a victim of PeoplePleasing Syndrome.

 

Your "decisions" are just those that are least likely to hurt others or rock the boat.

 

In the meantime you are hurting yourself very much.

 

Staying scared will keep you inthe exact same place that you should have gotten out of years ago. You have to stop fearing his reaction. What about your own? Do you not value that? Do you think you can take it better than he can?

 

He is a full grown man. He will hurt, yes. But he will hurt more if you don't release him from a relationship where he is not truly loved. Maybe this will get him off his duff too, motivate him to get healthy, and find someone who cares about him the way a partner should.

 

You feel trapped because you arelocking yourself in. You are the only one with the key.

 

Thank you so much for your respectful and insightful response. You couldn’t be more right.

 

I don’t know if I can take it better than he can. You’re talking to a 37 year old woman who has never been alone and has "gone along" with everything rather than speaking up and having her voice and her wants heard for the past 20 years. I’m terrified.

 

I was brought up in a home of not rocking the boat and shutting our mouths; “keeping the peace”, as my mother would so often remind us. Even to this day as a woman in her 60’s, she still begs us not to tell our father things and to just shut up. My whole family are secret keepers. To be honest I sort of hate them for it, and how it has made me.

 

It’s very hard to break a habit I’ve had my whole life, even with the help of therapy. I try for a while but then I feel an incredible guilt and end up giving in because it’s just easier. Every time I think about having that hard conversation, about selling our home, about hurting him etc I put it off, I make excuses.

 

 

One of the toughest things for me to think about is what people will think of me. I know that sounds silly, but not having the support of family and friends is rough. Will they think I’m being foolish? Immature? Too much of a dreamer? What if they do? How do I deal with that?

Edited May 10, 2017 by LostandLonging

[S2B]

Good luck, my friend.

 

For me it is tough because there IS no limbo. I know what I want. I know what I have to do. I just can’t bring myself to do it out of fear and guilt. And because (as much as some people here don’t believe it, I’m sure) I care for him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, even though I KNOW that by staying and not saying anything, I am doing more damage.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your respectful and insightful response. You couldn’t be more right.

 

I don’t know if I can take it better than he can. You’re talking to a 37 year old woman who has never been alone and has "gone along" with everything rather than speaking up and having her voice and her wants heard for the past 20 years. I’m terrified.

 

I was brought up in a home of not rocking the boat and shutting our mouths; “keeping the peace”, as my mother would so often remind us. Even to this day as a woman in her 60’s, she still begs us not to tell our father things and to just shut up. My whole family are secret keepers. To be honest I sort of hate them for it, and how it has made me.

 

It’s very hard to break a habit I’ve had my whole life, even with the help of therapy. I try for a while but then I feel an incredible guilt and end up giving in because it’s just easier. Every time I think about having that hard conversation, about selling our home, about hurting him etc I put it off, I make excuses.

 

 

One of the toughest things for me to think about is what people will think of me. I know that sounds silly, but not having the support of family and friends is rough. Will they think I’m being foolish? Immature? Too much of a dreamer? What if they do? How do I deal with that?

 

Why don't you stay but start having a voice and speaking your truth?

 

What's wrong with growing as a person within the marriage?

[LostandLonging]

Why don't you stay but start having a voice and speaking your truth?

 

Because my truth is that I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

 

Because my truth is that I don’t want a property.

 

Because my truth is that I don’t want a car.

 

Because my truth is that I want to live alone.

 

Because my truth is that I am not 23 anymore.

 

Because my truth is that every time I say “I love you” to him, I know I don’t mean it in the way I should.

 

Because my truth is that I am just going through the motions every day, living in a dream-like state that somehow I took over someone else’s body and this can’t possibly be my life.

 

Because my truth is that on the very rare occasion we are intimate, I want it to be over as quickly as possible because it feels like I’m ****ing my brother.

 

Because my truth is that I hate myself for all of this.

 

Is that a truth you’d want to hear?

[elaine567]

You don't have to just stomp out in a fit of rage, and run away, you can start to make preparations to leave now.

Get your affairs and finances in order and go to a lawyer to find out your rights.

Make a plan and stick to it.

[Aloneuk]

Hi again

 

I think you have the same three options that I have been cycling between for the past year or so:

 

1) stay and accept things for how they are.

Accept your relationship is not fulfilling you but 'it is what it is'. Try not to pick faults in it and accept it for what it is, and look for fulfillment in other areas of your life.

 

2) stay and try and improve things. Tricky as I totally understand where you're coming from when you say about square peg in a round hole. But if you highlight that you're unhappy and try your best to make things better, you may feel better if number 3 happens...

 

3) find the courage to leave. It will devastate him but you can only look out for you. I sympathise as my situation is similar-I stay more because my H doesn't want me to leave than because I want to be there. If it helps, use the attitude that you think you know best and you are doing him a disservice by staying. There may be someone else our there much better suited to him than you. He may also surprise you and meet someone quite quickly-you'll regret staying for so long in unhappiness then.

 

As I've said before, I understand your situation entirely and it's so much easier to give advice objectively than to apply it to your own life!

 

Keep posting and all the best (I think when you have posted more we can PM)

[flashed]

The problem I see is that you are still placing blame on other people for how your life turned out. No wonder you're miserable. You don't own up to any decisions in your life. You place blame and play victim. Take some responsibility and own your decisions.

[Southern Sun]

Good luck, my friend.

 

For me it is tough because there IS no limbo. I know what I want. I know what I have to do. I just can’t bring myself to do it out of fear and guilt. And because (as much as some people here don’t believe it, I’m sure) I care for him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, even though I KNOW that by staying and not saying anything, I am doing more damage.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your respectful and insightful response. You couldn’t be more right.

 

I don’t know if I can take it better than he can. You’re talking to a 37 year old woman who has never been alone and has "gone along" with everything rather than speaking up and having her voice and her wants heard for the past 20 years. I’m terrified.

 

I was brought up in a home of not rocking the boat and shutting our mouths; “keeping the peace”, as my mother would so often remind us. Even to this day as a woman in her 60’s, she still begs us not to tell our father things and to just shut up. My whole family are secret keepers. To be honest I sort of hate them for it, and how it has made me.

 

It’s very hard to break a habit I’ve had my whole life, even with the help of therapy. I try for a while but then I feel an incredible guilt and end up giving in because it’s just easier. Every time I think about having that hard conversation, about selling our home, about hurting him etc I put it off, I make excuses.

 

 

One of the toughest things for me to think about is what people will think of me. I know that sounds silly, but not having the support of family and friends is rough. Will they think I’m being foolish? Immature? Too much of a dreamer? What if they do? How do I deal with that?

 

Well, how do you know you WON'T have the support of friends and family?

 

I can't guarantee you that everyone will support you. Some will probably disagree with what you are doing. But hey...they can't eat you, right?

 

Think about this...do you agree with every single thing that your family members do? No. But they do it anyway. What happens to them when they do it anyway? Nothing. At least, nothing as it relates to pain implemented by you.

 

For the MOST part though, you are probably not all that worked up about what other people do. There may be initial reactions...a bunch of, oh no, that's gonna be bad for her or him...and then things die down. Things sort of work themselves out. Because people are adults. Right?

 

My suggestion to you is: have some heart-to-heart conversations. Maybe start with a person you feel is likely to be most supportive. That may give you some confidence. But tell them from the heart what you feel. And know going in that WHAT YOU FEEL is just as valid as what they feel. More in fact, because you are living it. And you can hear their opinions without letting it overwhelm you. They are just opinions. They don't need to change you or hurt you. You don't have to talk to them as if you NEED their opinion. Just tell them that this is the direction you are thinking of going. You can say that it hurts you, because you don't want your partner to hurt. But after all these years of keeping quiet, because that's what you've learned to do, you just can't live that way anymore.

 

You may be surprised. You won't even KNOW if people support you if you don't give them that chance. They are your family and they won't want a bunch of strife with you (if you are fairly close). At least not IF they see that this is what you really, really want. If they see that you are undecided, they may try to change your mind because they will think that staying together is 'easier.' It's the path of least resistance. It will cause less heartache. But when you know better deep inside, only YOU can be your voice. They won't know unless you tell them. People are scared of change.

 

Good luck.

[Lorenzo81]

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult position. Would it be an option to take break, do what you really think you want to do and see if it is really as good as you expect it to be? Or maybe just say you need some time for yourself and go on a holiday alone to see what it is like? Sometimes one can crave for something but then when you finally have it....it doesn't appear to be as great as you had imagined it to be.

 

However I must admit that to my personal standards, I wouldn't call a 5 year sexless relationship a "good relationship" when at least one of the 2 actually does want/like sex. So perhaps it is not as good as you think. You can still care and have respect for someone even though you want to divorce. It's not that you have to be in fights all the time until you are allowed to divorce. But just be really sure that what you are seeking/missing is actually that big of a deal to blow it all up over. A lot of couples don't have sex and are not attracted to each other anymore...but often that can be worked on.

Edited May 10, 2017 by Lorenzo81

[LostandLonging]

Hi again

 

I think you have the same three options that I have been cycling between for the past year or so:

 

1) stay and accept things for how they are. Accept your relationship is not fulfilling you but 'it is what it is'. Try not to pick faults in it and accept it for what it is, and look for fulfillment in other areas of your life.

 

I have tried this and found that it makes me feel lonely. Every outing with friends or on my own just reminds me that we don’t have anything in common anymore. I used to hate being alone, but I have had to learn to love my own company because I had no choice. I’ve tried hobbies and courses but they soon end or life gets in the way.

 

2) stay and try and improve things. Tricky as I totally understand where you're coming from when you say about square peg in a round hole. But if you highlight that you're unhappy and try your best to make things better, you may feel better if number 3 happens...

 

Sometimes I really do wish I had the desire to work on it, but I don’t. We have talked about things before and he’s made an effort but I feel depressed knowing that it won’t make a difference either way.

 

3) find the courage to leave. It will devastate him but you can only look out for you. I sympathise as my situation is similar-I stay more because my H doesn't want me to leave than because I want to be there. If it helps, use the attitude that you think you know best and you are doing him a disservice by staying. There may be someone else our there much better suited to him than you. He may also surprise you and meet someone quite quickly-you'll regret staying for so long in unhappiness then.

 

 

This is ultimately my aim. I try to remind myself I am not doing right by either of us, but every time he shows me kindness or care I just crumble and I can’t do it.It sounds like you are staying forhim instead of you as well. I’m sorry to hear that, I know how tough it is.

 

As I've said before, I understandyour situation entirely and it's so much easier to give advice objectively thanto apply it to your own life!

 

Keep posting and all the best (Ithink when you have posted more we can PM)

 

It's such an unusual feeling, isn't it? Like you're not miserable but you're not happy either?

 

Every other relationship I had has ended because it got to a point where I just couldn’t stand the person anymore/we couldn’t stand each other, but I feel no dislike or hatred towards him.

 

 

Thank you again for your advice!! I am really glad we found one another and our stories on here.

 

How are you doing??

 

The problem I see is that you are still placing blame on other people for how your life turned out. No wonder you're miserable. You don't own up to any decisions in your life. You place blame and play victim. Take some responsibility and own your decisions.

 

I do blame my parents for a lot. 20 years of my mother telling me to keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow silenced me in a way I've never really been able to recover from. I've gone along with things I hated with a passion just to keep the peace. If you have any tips on how to change a deeply ingrained upbringing I'd love to hear them. No sarcasm, I really would. I've tried everything.

 

My suggestion to you is: have some heart-to-heart conversations. Maybe start with a person you feel is likely to be most supportive. That may give you some confidence. But tell them from the heart what you feel. And know going in that WHAT YOU FEEL is just as valid as what they feel. More in fact, because you are living it. And you can hear their opinions without letting it overwhelm you.They are just opinions. They don't need to change you or hurt you. You don't have to talk to them as if you NEED their opinion. Just tell them that this is the direction you are thinking of going. You can say that it hurts you, because you don't want your partner to hurt. But after all these years of keeping quiet, because that's what you've learned to do, you just can't live that way anymore.

 

You may be surprised. You won't even KNOW if people support you if you don't give them that chance. They are your family and they won't want a bunch of strife with you (if you are fairly close). At least not IF they see that this is what you really, really want. If they see that you are undecided, they may try to change your mind because they will think that staying together is 'easier.' It's the path of least resistance. It will cause less heartache. But when you know better deep inside, only YOU can be your voice. They won't know unless you tell them. People are scared of change.

 

Good luck.

 

This is fantastic advice, thank you so much Southern Sun. It is always hard with my family. My father especially would flat out tell me I'm being an idiot(he lives in the 1950’s way of thinking where a woman NEEDS aman to care for and support her and people can’t possibly enjoy being alone).

 

However I must admit that to my personal standards, I wouldn't call a 5 year sexless relationship a "good relationship" when at least one of the 2 actually does want/like sex. So perhaps it is not as good as you think. You canstill care and have respect for someone even though you want to divorce.

 

Yeah, this is tough. It not that I NEED sex, but I’d like to be with someone who I feel like I want to do it with. Even in the very early days the sex felt forced so I don’t think I have ever been attracted to him (another all too common problem I didn’t realise alot of women have been through).

[Osmium13]

Hi L&L,

 

I've just read through this thread and can identify with a lot of what you're saying (although from a male perspective).

 

I know what I should do. Finding the courage to actually do it is another matter... the thought of the mess it would cause both practically and emotionally makes it very difficult.

[LostandLonging]

Hi L&L,

 

I've just read through this thread and can identify with a lot of what you're saying (although from a male perspective).

 

I know what I should do. Finding the courage to actually do it is another matter... the thought of the mess it would cause both practically and emotionally makes it very difficult.

 

Thank you so much for your response. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. It's very tough and very hard to try and make people understand. Please feel free to share your story if you'd like. x

[Maddieandtae]

The viewing of underage porn would have me out the door...

 

That's a fact I would not want to gloss over at ALL.

[LostandLonging]

The viewing of underage porn would have me out the door...

 

That's a fact I would not want to gloss over at ALL.

 

They're grown women posing as "teens", wearing glasses, pigtails and school uniforms etc. He is not looking at illegal underage porn. It does still make me uncomfortable, though..

[Maddieandtae]

I'm glad you clarified, I couldn't get past that comment about teens, apologies if I misread!

 

I think if you're unhappy you should really think about what it will look like for you if you stay. You should also think about your partner in the sense that you don't have romantic thoughts for him and if he read your posts how do you think he would react?

[S2B]

Because my truth is that I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

 

Because my truth is that I don’t want a property.

 

Because my truth is that I don’t want a car.

 

Because my truth is that I want to live alone.

 

Because my truth is that I am not 23 anymore.

 

Because my truth is that every time I say “I love you” to him, I know I don’t mean it in the way I should.

 

Because my truth is that I am just going through the motions every day, living in a dream-like state that somehow I took over someone else’s body and this can’t possibly be my life.

 

Because my truth is that on the very rare occasion we are intimate, I want it to be over as quickly as possible because it feels like I’m ****ing my brother.

 

Because my truth is that I hate myself for all of this.

 

Is that a truth you’d want to hear?

 

Yes...since that is what's real if that's how you feel...

 

Just an observation...it seems like when you are stating your truth you seem angry at expressing that truth...

 

I worked with a skilled trauma counselor for a solid year once a week and learned a lot about myself and my future/happiness.

 

Have you ever considered working with a counselor?

[LostandLonging]

Yes...since that is what's real if that's how you feel...

 

Just an observation...it seems like when you are stating your truth you seem angry at expressing that truth...

 

I worked with a skilled trauma counselor for a solid year once a week and learned a lot about myself and my future/happiness.

 

Have you ever considered working with a counselor?

 

I guess I’m angry for a lot of reasons. I think if I had had the courage to speak up years ago my life might be different, as would his. I could have saved us both a lot of pain. I never wanted to move in with him, but I did. I never wanted to buy a home with him, but I did. My whole life I’ve just gone along with things I knew in my heart weren’t right, but it’s like I become paralysed and lose my voice. I can’t explain it.

 

I've wasted years of my life I can't get back, living a lie. Not being true to myself or to him. I hate myself for that.

 

One of the main reasons if not THE main reason I decided at a young age that I didn’t want children was because I wanted to travel instead. And not just holidays. I wanted to live overseas. I wanted to participate in programs in Bali, teaching children how to speak English. I wanted to REALLY travel with nothing tying me down… but I didn’t do that. Instead I got a boyfriend, and a car, and a mortgage, and left my dreams to bubble down at my toes to the point where they’ve bubbled to the surface so much now I can’t breathe, and trying to fulfil them will cause a lot of pain and hurt.

 

I have tried counsellors, therapy, the whole lot. Trust me, I’ve been there. I don’t know why it hasn’t worked for me.

Edited May 14, 2017 by LostandLonging

[S2B]

I guess I’m angry for a lot of reasons. I think if I had had the courage to speak up years ago my life might be different, as would his. I could have saved us both a lot of pain. I never wanted to move in with him, but I did. I never wanted to buy a home with him, but I did. My whole life I’ve just gone along with things I knew in my heart weren’t right, but it’s like I become paralysed and lose my voice. I can’t explain it.

 

I've wasted years of my life I can't get back, living a lie. Not being true to myself or to him. I hate myself for that.

 

One of the main reasons if not THE main reason I decided at a young age that I didn’t want children was because I wanted to travel instead. And not just holidays. I wanted to live overseas. I wanted to participate in programs in Bali, teaching children how to speak English. I wanted to REALLY travel with nothing tying me down… but I didn’t do that. Instead I got a boyfriend, and a car, and a mortgage, and left my dreams to bubble down at my toes to the point where they’ve bubbled to the surface so much now I can’t breathe, and trying to fulfil them will cause a lot of pain and hurt.

 

I have tried counsellors, therapy, the whole lot. Trust me, I’ve been there. I don’t know why it hasn’t worked for me.

 

 

Any therapy only works if you're willing to invoke changes. That takes action on your part to make sure things change.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. That change is only up to

you.

 

 

If you've been that unhappy why don't you just go ahead and divorce so you can be on your own? You are the only one in charge of making sure you get the best out of each day you're living.

[LostandLonging]

If you've been that unhappy why don't you just go ahead and divorce so you can be on your own? You are the only one in charge of making sure you get the best out of each day you're living.

 

OH! It’s just THAT easy? PHEW. All my problems are solved! Thanks!

 

I’m joking, of course.

 

A lot of my problem is that I am way too comfortable and complacent. It’s been 13 years. I feel no ill will towards him. I don’t want to go through the pain. I don’t want to go through the tears. So, each day, I try and make the best of it while knowing deep down inside that my heart isn’t in it anymore.

 

Every DAY I wake up with this on my mind. I rehearse “the speech” when I have the house to myself, every morning. But when I come home I never carry it out. On goes the mask again and I sit alone, planning trips, vacations and a life that I feel like I’ll never have.

 

And I don’t know how to change that.

 

How the HELL do you tell someone who loves you that after 13years “Whoops, sorry, wanna be alone now. You? Naaaaah, you’ve done nothing wrong. We’re just done. I’m sorry to leave you in your 50’s and suddenly alone with no property but hey, thems the breaks”?

Edited May 15, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Aloneuk]

Hi Lost

 

I'm speaking from my own experience but you need to be careful not to carry on down the path of losing yourself in an unfulfilling relationship. As time goes on you will become more and more resentful.

 

I have started drinking way too much and am on anti depressants despite my H being a great guy. I feel a disconnect between us which he doesn't.

 

I have become someone I don't recognise nor want to be. I'm scared to leave but I'm also not putting any real effort into the relationship now. This limbo of inbetween is much worse.

 

It's like I'm oppressed by the guilt of thinking things aren't right between us, because he's a great person and I should be content with what I have. I know I must sound like a victim - but I'm a victim of my own indecisiveness and weakness. Please don't make the same mistakes I am....