Wanting to leave a good relationship

[LostandLonging]

then you look beside you and no one is there.

 

 

I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?

[LostandLonging]

My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.

 

Oh geez. I know that nag all too well. I wake up every day happy, content, but also feeling like I’m in a dream. Like I have slipped into someone else’s life and I’m living theirs instead of mine. Like I have no other choice.

 

I am thinking of you, Aloneuk. Please feel free to message me anytime.

[mikeylo]

I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?

 

You will understand at a certain age.

[Snow7]

Just do it.

 

Fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay married. I understand all the things you have said all too well.

[WorstFeelingEver]

---OP says: My partner is a WONDERFUL person who has always treated me with the utmost respect and caring. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, I feel though I am the one who has changed.

 

--OP says: Oh I absolutely don’t want to isolate. I love having people around me

 

 

 

______why is it, that women are never happy with the guy they are with?

 

First, you say, you want to BE ALONE___then you post later, you love having people around you???

 

I am sorry if I didn't see it in the post, but are you two married, or just in a partnership?

 

just my 2 cents:

 

I don't see anything wrong in your relationship with your partner, as to how he treats you. You say he treats you with UTMOST respect and he is caring. You don't mention of any___physical/verbal abuse towards you, no adultry & no threatening from him toward you.___IDK___There is an age difference between you two, that you have known about for a decade___maybe he doesn't have the energy to keep up with you for bike rides, walks, etc... You need to keep in mind, at his age, your body tends to slow down.

 

Since you 2 have been together for many years, & if you care for him___instead of walking away___ maybe try telling him how you feel, that you want to experience other things in life, instead of living the way you are, i.e.___everything about him & his "hobby & stocks" and you are serious that if he does not change his way of living, (EXAMPLE---tell him he can do his job/hobby/stocks, during the day, but say after, 5:00pm weeknights and on weekends, it's the 2 of you together to do things outside of his hobbies/stocks) then you tell him, you will leave him, move out and live on your own.

 

Good Luck with you decision.

[WorstFeelingEver]

Sorry, forgot to include this in my previous post.

 

I want to be alone, and when I say alone I don’t mean “single”. I have no interest in dating or partying. I mean ALONE. Making decisions for me and me only.

[LostandLonging]

You will understand at a certain age.

 

Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say they’ll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again – isn’t everyone different?

 

Fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay married. I understand all the things you have said all too well.

 

Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please don’t hesitate.

 

First,you say, you want to BE ALONE___then you post later, you love having people around you???

 

Yes, people. Not partners.

 

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isn’t something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).

 

Iam sorry if I didn't see it in the post, but are you two married, or just in a partnership?

 

Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.

 

You don't mention of any___physical/verbal abuse towards you, no adultry & nothreatening from him toward you.

 

This is another thing I’ve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

 

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We don’t share the same dreams, we don’t do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to “make it work” would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole – try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesn’t anymore.

 

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do what’s right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I don’t know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.

Edited May 1, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Snow7]

Hello again.

 

Here is a brief synopsis of my experience:

 

I met my husband in college. We were both very young. After dating for 3 years, we got married. In hindsight, maybe that was foolish but it seemed like a good match- we had attraction, similar values, goals, education level and career ambitions. During the first 6 years of our marriage, life presented several challenges: his mother got sick, it was hard point in our careers, and infertility. I guess my husband felt I didn't support him enough and had some grievances. He did not however communicate these with me. I felt that we were struggling but I thought we would work through it and things would get better.

 

But they didn't. The way he puts it "he turned away from me". Yup, right into the arms of other women. He claims these were all only emotional affairs (3 that I know of). He just needed someone to talk to, someone he felt understood.

 

Unfortunately, by the time I realized this, we had a kid, and it was apparent our child had special needs. So I stayed. For years. First bc I thought we would work it out, and then later bc I thought I had to for our kid. I'm not sure why he stayed. Maybe he felt trapped as well.

 

But being married to someone who doesn't love or want you and doesn't even try to hide it, is soul crushing and finally, I left. I left the big house in the suburbs, the nice vacations,'the financial stability and the social life that came with it. From the outside I'm sure it looked very good. You just have to get to a point where you believe, it can't get any worse.

 

It's only been a month. I'm in a little house with a tiny yard closer into the city. And surprisingly I'm fine with it. I'm alone. I don't want to be, but hopefully that will change in time. And if it doesn't, well honestly, I was alone before too.

[Cephalopod]

I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?

 

Maybe. That's for you to answer for yourself.

 

But do you want to end up alone in your old age? If that sounds like a fun future, have at it.

 

Or you can talk to your husband, and maybe he'll stop being a selfish fat slob, clean up his **** and lose some weight. Why are you so damn afraid of confronting him?

[Cephalopod]

Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say they’ll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again – isn’t everyone different?

 

 

 

Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please don’t hesitate.

 

 

 

Yes, people. Not partners.

 

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isn’t something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).

 

 

 

Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.

 

 

 

This is another thing I’ve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

 

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We don’t share the same dreams, we don’t do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to “make it work” would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole – try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesn’t anymore.

 

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do what’s right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I don’t know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.

 

One cop out after another.

 

You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Sounds like you and hubby haven't done anything to keep the marriage exciting and fresh. Wow... like 90% of the people out there. You are as much to blame for your funk as he is.

 

Instead of bailing, why not ask him to go to a marriage coach with you, or goon a couples' retreat?

[LostandLonging]

One cop out after another.

 

You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Sounds like you and hubby haven't done anything to keep the marriage exciting and fresh. Wow... like 90% of the people out there. You are as much to blame for your funk as he is.

 

Instead of bailing, why not ask him to go to a marriage coach with you, or goon a couples' retreat?

 

I have done it all. In 2014 I was absolutely sick to death of doing things on my own. I didn’t think it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely. I told myself if we came home from one more day out and he went straight on to that computer to work on his business I was out. I was sitting with my bags packed and told him we needed to talk. I went into therapy. I said a lot has to change. 3 years later, it hasn’t. 3 years later I still feel this way. 3 years later the unfulfilled promises remain. 3 years later I still go to bed every night not wanting to touch him. 3 years later I am still giving up my dreams. 3 years later I still feel trapped. Believe me I have ****ing tried despite having no feelings beyond platonic for him, but it all feels so forced.

 

All this aside, mine is a flame that was never lit. I acknowledge I got into the relationship for the wrong reasons and got too comfortable and take full responsibility for it, but I can't continue like this - for both our sakes.

Edited May 2, 2017 by LostandLonging

[LostandLonging]

I’m sorry my "cop out" feelings are not good enough for you, Cephalopod, but I am just being honest about how I feel. I am not in love with the man but I care for him very much. Is that what you want to hear? Perhaps you can give me a list of reasons that meet your criteria???

[DKT3]

Funny thing, I bet we're you able to drag your husband into a real authentic conversation you would find he is as unhappy in this relationship as you.

 

Also, be care thinking you identify with some here without knowing Thier story.....some have allowed third parties to invade and changed their opinion of the marriage, then rewrote the history as to not accept responsibility. I've seen no evidence you've been involved, but I must admit, I only glanced over some parts of your thread.

 

Back to the authentic conversation, it may be more mutual than you think.... sometimes when people don't want to spend time with the partner it's because they don't want to spend time with the partner.

[rushed]

All fine and dandy.....while you are young and have the energy and health to have fun doing all these things. But there comes a day when your body starts to betray you, you can't do all the things you thought were so fulfilling, your world starts to shrink, and then you look beside you and no one is there.

 

OP is only 37. Also, her husband is almost 20 years her senior. Odds are pretty good she will be alone in about 20 years even if she stays with him when she still has plenty of life left.

[LostandLonging]

it may be more mutual than you think.... sometimes when people don't want to spend time with the partner it's because they don't want to spend time with the partner.

 

That’s the odd thing. He is still as head over heels for me 13 years in as he was 3 months in. That’s yet another aspect that makes it so hard. I know how much he adores me. We will fight, I’ll go and stay elsewhere for one night and he’ll literally be on the phone to me in tears, telling me how much he misses me. I catch him staring at me and smiling on a regular basis. He still randomly tells me he is “always thinking of me”. This is totally one sided, trust me. I don't even think he cares about the sex. He is pretty obsessed with porn (which I don't mind but it is often teen this and teen that which kind of bothers me...).

[Cephalopod]

I’m sorry my "cop out" feelings are not good enough for you, Cephalopod, but I am just being honest about how I feel. I am not in love with the man but I care for him very much. Is that what you want to hear? Perhaps you can give me a list of reasons that meet your criteria???

 

No list.

 

I had to piss you off to get some objective information from you. You have a way of glossing over things.

 

If you have done all you can to improve the marriage, and you have a lazy spouse who's not willing to put in the hard work with you, then you can divorce with a clear conscience. You stepped up but he refused.

 

I think you should move on and Divorce.

[DKT3]

That’s the odd thing. He is still as head over heels for me 13 years in as he was 3 months in. That’s yet another aspect that makes it so hard. I know how much he adores me. We will fight, I’ll go and stay elsewhere for one night and he’ll literally be on the phone to me in tears, telling me how much he misses me. I catch him staring at me and smiling on a regular basis. He still randomly tells me he is “always thinking of me”. This is totally one sided, trust me. I don't even think he cares about the sex. He is pretty obsessed with porn (which I don't mind but it is often teen this and teen that which kind of bothers me...).

 

Head over heels? Hardly, what he is is comfortable, sometimes a man's need for comfort and stability can be confused as love....however men in love want to spend time with the woman he loves, wants to be intimate with the woman he loves.

 

Sounds like you have a husband going through the motions. I bet he is very predictable, and boring.

[anika99]

Maybe. That's for you to answer for yourself.

 

But do you want to end up alone in your old age? If that sounds like a fun future, have at it.

 

Or you can talk to your husband, and maybe he'll stop being a selfish fat slob, clean up his **** and lose some weight. Why are you so damn afraid of confronting him?

 

 

Well considering that her partner is 20 yrs older than her there's a very good chance that she will end up alone in her old age if she stays with him. When she's 60 he'll be 80 if he's even still alive and by then his health will probably be very poor and the OP will be taking care of a sick old man after a life together of no sex, romance, or attraction. Does that sound like a fun future?

 

There might be some good arguments for the OP staying with her partner but fear of winding up alone is not one of them. For one thing couples rarely die at the same time. In every marriage that last until old age it's very likely that one of the couple is going to end up alone and old. Women tend to fair pretty well being single in their later years. My grandma lived until she was 90, her second husband died when she was 68. She never remarried but she was one of the happiest old ladies I ever met. She traveled, had friends, joined clubs and even had boyfriends. After my stepdad got divorced from my mom he went on to marry his 3rd wife. When he and this wife were both 65 he died from liver failure. His wife was alone for 10 years and then at the age of 75 she remarried.

 

There are no gaurantees in life. People who have a fear of being alone best face that fear and learn to be at peace in their own skin and in their own company. It's the best gift a person can give to their self. I'm in my 50's and I love my single status and my independence. I might pair up with someone again, who knows what the future holds, but I sure wouldn't be interested in being with someone who was only with me because they were afraid to be old and alone.

[LostandLonging]

Well considering that her partner is 20 yrs older than her there's a very good chance that she will end up alone in her old age if she stays with him. When she's 60 he'll be 80 if he's even still alive and by then his health will probably be very poor and the OP will be taking care of a sick old man after a life together of no sex, romance, or attraction. Does that sound like a fun future?

 

Thank you for your reply, anika99. You know, it might sound funny but that’s something I’ve never even really thought about before (ending up alone either way as he is so much older than me). I knew he would be retired a few decades before me and that never sat comfortably especially knowing how lazy he is (“Oh hon on your way home from work can you pick these 15 things up for me?”) but wow.

 

 

Women tend to fair pretty well being single in their later years. My grandma lived until she was 90, her second husband died when she was 68. She never remarried but she was one of the happiest old ladies I ever met. She traveled, had friends, joined clubs and even had boyfriends. After my stepdad got divorced from my mom he went on to marry his 3rd wife. When he and this wife were both 65 he died from liver failure. His wife was alone for 10 years and then at the age of 75 she remarried.

 

Yep. I’m not sure why so many people think having no partner = being ALONE. There are so many other things to life.

 

Having been with him for so long a lot of my friends are much older (50+). One of my closest friends was happily single for 10 years before she met her partner of now 17 years. She is 67 and said she could have easily continued on another 10 years being single, he just happened to come into her life.

 

 

I'm in my 50's and I love my single status and my independence. I might pair up with someone again, who knows what the future holds, but I sure wouldn't be interested in being with someone who was only with me because they were afraid to be old and alone.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, Anika. I’m very inspired by women like you!

[Aloneuk]

Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say they’ll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again – isn’t everyone different?

 

 

 

Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please don’t hesitate.

 

 

 

Yes, people. Not partners.

 

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isn’t something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).

 

 

 

Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.

 

 

 

This is another thing I’ve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

 

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We don’t share the same dreams, we don’t do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to “make it work” would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole – try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesn’t anymore.

 

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do what’s right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I don’t know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.

 

Hi again

 

From your other posts it seems to me you have tried to let your H know you are unhappy but things remain the same. Even if he was to change and be more attentive to you, lose the weight, etc etc, do you think that would make any difference to how you feel? If not, there's your answer.

 

I've been having IC and MC over the past few months and have learnt a few things. My situation has a lot of similarities to yours in the fact I've emotionally 'checked out'. I don't honestly think you can make things work once you get into that situation.

 

Also my counsellor thinks a lot of my issues stem from never figuring out who I am and what I want from my life. In some ways I'm quite codependent when it comes to intimate relationships. She thinks I need to get that stuff sorted before I can truly decide whether my marriage can stand a chance. My H is very patient and is also having IC to figure out what he wants. It's a huge learning curve for us both.

 

Try picturing yourself in a years time if you leave your husband. Where will you live, what will your life look like? What will you be doing? If you never speak to H again because he's too heartbroken, how will that make you feel?

 

Try picturing the same but if you stay and really put 110% in to your relationship...what does that look like?

 

Just things I am thinking about which might help you!

[LostandLonging]

Even if he was to change and be more attentive to you, lose the weight, etc etc, do you think that would make any difference to how you feel?

 

No, I don’t think it would. As I mentioned earlier, it’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole/relight a flame that was never lit. I don’t know why, having known deep down that as much as I care for him my feelings aren’t how a partner should love another partner (we have no photos of us up at home, on social media or anything), I let it go on this long. I don’t want to keep making excuses but I was brought up in a house where problems were ignored. My father would get drunk and abusive (physically and verbally) and we were to act as if it didn’t happen. We never talked or shared. It was a life of sweeping things under the rug. I have been to therapy over how to better express my feelings but it hasn’t made much difference. Perhaps I thought “going with the flow” was easier than being honest, even though this nagging feeling has been with me from pretty much the beginning.

 

My situation has a lot of similarities to yours in the fact I've emotionally'checked out'. I don't honestly think you can make things work once you get into that situation.

 

Absolutely. But how in the world to explain this?!

 

Our situations are terrifyingly similar.

 

my counsellor thinks a lot of my issues stem from never figuring out who I am and what I want from my life. In some ways I'm quite codependent when it comes to intimate relationships.

 

Mine has said the same. I was incredibly codependent when it came to intimate relationships. I remember even being as young as 15 years old, crying in bed one night talking about how “lonely” I was. For me, for many years, the be all and end all of a successful life was having a boyfriend. If you didn’t have someone to love you, you were nothing in my eyes. So, whoever paid me attention was who I was with. I was still so young, immature and had this mindset when I met him.

 

She thinks I need to get that stuff sorted before I can truly decide whether my marriage can stand a chance. My H is very patient and is also having IC to figure out what he wants. It's a huge learning curve for us both.

 

So even though you’ve emotionally checked out too, you’re working on it? Do you want to make it work?

 

Just things I am thinking about which might help you!

 

I really appreciate it!! It's comforting to hear from those in a similar situation. When I search the internet it's always "He is a wonderful guy! I mean, he did cheat once/gamble/do drugs but all in all a great guy!". My guy hasn't done nor would ever do any of that. He is truly a great person but is he still great for ME? I don't think so.

[LostandLonging]

I also forgot to

Edited May 4, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Aloneuk]

It's such a hard situation to be in, isn't it?

 

I too appreciate what a great guy my H is, but I think he would be so much more compatible with someone else. It seems also unfair to deny him the possible happiness he could have with someone better matched to him.

 

I don't know what I'll end up doing. H is insistent he wants us to keep trying. I do love him, but I'm not sure it's a romantic love or that it ever has been. Part of me continuing to 'try' is to see for myself whether we can get anything like that. Ultimately I married him and I feel I have a certain amount of responsibility (a duty really) to try everything I can before admitting defeat. And part of trying is for my benefit too - I don't want to walk away and regret in the future and ask myself why I didn't try this or that....

 

Keep posting! I can't PM you as you are a new member...

[LostandLonging]

I do love him, but I'm not sure it's a romantic love or that it ever has been. Part of me continuing to 'try' is to see for myself whether we can get anything like that.

 

Yeah I know what you mean. I don’t think mine has ever been a romantic love either (oh man it feels good to speak to someone going through this too – just had to throw that in there!). To me it just feels so forced. You shouldn’t have to force something like that. I constantly try to remind myself of all his wonderful traits and how good he’s been to me but still that feeling never comes.

 

At least you are trying. I know deep down inside that no matter whatwe try I just simply don’t love him like that, so I am taking no action either way. I know how wrong that is.

 

 

Keep posting! I can't PM you as you are a new member...

 

I certainly will!!! Hopefully we can DM soon (I’m not sure when that time passes?) as I’d love to continue some conversations with you.

Edited May 4, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Aloneuk]

How are you? Have you made a decision?