Wanting to leave a good relationship

[MidlifeMama]

MLM you know I was thinking about something on my lunch hour yesterday that I had to admit to myself. I actually have no desire to work on my relationship. What do you think that means? Like, people can throw suggestions at me until they’re blue in the face and he can make all the changes he wants but I still have no desire to make it work. I am beginning to think that’s why I am so confused about this all the time. No matter how many wonderful suggestions come my way, I just don’t care.

 

Same

 

Does it mean I’m completely unwilling to compromise? That I don’t love him? That I just love him as a friend and am happy to plod along as friends without sharing my true feelings?

 

I believe that's exactly what that means and I feel the same way

 

In all our time together we have maybe had 3 big talks, all instigated by me after I’d had enough of a certain thing (neglect, his promises to lose weight (before the accusations start (1) I don't care what he looks like (2) I DO care that we've never done things like been to the beach together because he is embarrassed about his body (3) Yes, I have tried to help him with his eating habits but it becomes exhausting at times; I can only cook so many meals and he refuses to cook any himself (4) I am often yelled at and called a nag for trying to help him through this and that's something I don't want to have to cop), etc). Even then, despite all the promises he made (and sometimes kept) I still knew no matter what he did nothing would change in terms of my feelings. Why did I put him through that, then? Was I testing him? Secretly hoping he WOULDN'T keep his promises so I could just end it without feeling bad? I don't understand.

 

OMG are we married to the same man??

 

Part of me has always thought we should have never gone beyond being friends. I can still remember the novelty I felt back then about dating an older man. Bragging to friends about our age difference, feeling amazing that this wise older man had picked ME. But as nice as it was, even in the early stages everything felt so forced. Maybe I have always known that but couldn't admit it to myself??

 

We both know this is the truth, but we needed them and they wanted us

 

 

 

EDIT: I'm truly sorry to everyone reading this who has taken so much time to reply to me. It's something that I've only recently just admitted to myself.

 

You don't have to be sorry. This is a life-changing, difficult decision and you wouldn't be here asking for advise if it wasn't. I am very grateful you wrote this post, as you know, it is also me.

[MidlifeMama]

I am nearing the end. I think I have actually been grieving the end of the marriage for some time. I am uncomfortable undressing in front of him and have no desire to try to rekindle a flame that was never really there. After so many years of stuffing those feelings, I (and you) need to face what is, not what we want it to be.

 

We have to face consequences. Consequences that can cause pain, but I thought about something while zoning out and doing dishes... I can stay, so can you and we can live in oblivion and depression and stay on cruise control. No one will get hurt BUT US. WE will stay hurt. The feelings will likely never change to a sudden desire or spark for our husbands. That's one choice we would have to live with.

 

OR, we can part our ways, let the chips fall, go through the hurt and pain and come out the other-side. In this case, we still have hurt and pain and chaos BUT we get to come out of it, we do. I believe we do. I believe our husbands would get over it. I believe we'd find ourselves and possibly someone better suited for who we are, with mutual attraction and spark. I believe we would each discover who we are as women without these men. I believe we'd be o.k., more than o.k.

 

It's the climbing the hill to get to the other-side that we fear. There are no guarantees. This side of the hill we know exactly what there is and it is safe and fine and just o.k. Problem is, it's just o.k. IT (with them, will NEVER be more than it is, not ever) Lets think about that.

 

That isn't to depress you more (or me) it's to face reality. We have with these husbands what we likely didn't have growing up. The parts of us that are wounded latch on to our husbands for safety. We , as women, don't want to make waves. Don't want to explain why or how we could leave SUCH GREAT GUYS.

 

On the last , little (big) discussion with my husband... he gave me an out. He said,"I told myself if you brought up divorce or separating again, that I was going to let you go and go find yourself." Ummmm, where the hell has he been the last 25 years of me saying it's about sexual compatibility, being rejected, communication,his body image, and on and on. I'm not thinking of divorcing him because I need to FIND myself, not per se, but yes I have totally lost sight of who I am. If that makes him feel better if I leave to peg it on a midlife crisis where I needed to FIND myself, then so be it. I'm at the point now where whatever excuse he uses to feel better about none of it being about him is o.k. with me. And I think you and I also feel like because so many others will question our decision (on the outside looking in), perhaps we have to take the fall because we want to leave a "Good" guy.

 

Little do they know what really goes on in our lives. Maybe to cause less discussion or whatever, we do take some of the fall. Allow the "Good guys" to say we needed to go find ourselves. Who really cares after the dust settles of why and who said what? Our true friends and those close to us (You & I) will know the real reasons.

 

We need to get over feeling that sexual attraction and compatibility is not a good enough reason!!

[MidlifeMama]

Also Lost....

 

 

You are fine with living in a smaller place, as you said. I have a great house. It will be paid off in 9 years free and clear, but guess what...I could care less. I will get some $ out of the divorce and put some into savings, some into retirement. I can live in a studio apt, I can, I have and would not have a problem doing so. So, when you say your place is in a sought after area, etc., think less about what you would be giving up and know that you'd find your "space" and be just fine. Truly, I believe that!

 

Family... ugh, yes, that tugs at me as well. His parents are now gone. My family is his family. But you know what... he barely says much at gatherings. It's just how he is. Very quiet. He will make his own way and if they choose to remain friends with certain family members, then they do , on their own time. Who knows, you may be friendly enough to still have gatherings with him after the fact. I could see this happening in some instances with my own husband. I do believe we'd remain friends for life, no doubt about it. There would be a natural parting while each was coping and healing, but it can happen, that in the end, the deep respect and love remains for life, just not in the same house or as a married couple.

 

Just some thoughts for you. HUGS!!

[pinkpaw]

I am nearing the end. I think I have actually been grieving the end of the marriage for some time. I am uncomfortable undressing in front of him and have no desire to try to rekindle a flame that was never really there. After so many years of stuffing those feelings, I (and you) need to face what is, not what we want it to be.

 

We have to face consequences. Consequences that can cause pain, but I thought about something while zoning out and doing dishes... I can stay, so can you and we can live in oblivion and depression and stay on cruise control. No one will get hurt BUT US. WE will stay hurt. The feelings will likely never change to a sudden desire or spark for our husbands. That's one choice we would have to live with.

 

OR, we can part our ways, let the chips fall, go through the hurt and pain and come out the other-side. In this case, we still have hurt and pain and chaos BUT we get to come out of it, we do. I believe we do. I believe our husbands would get over it. I believe we'd find ourselves and possibly someone better suited for who we are, with mutual attraction and spark. I believe we would each discover who we are as women without these men. I believe we'd be o.k., more than o.k.

 

It's the climbing the hill to get to the other-side that we fear. There are no guarantees. This side of the hill we know exactly what there is and it is safe and fine and just o.k. Problem is, it's just o.k. IT (with them, will NEVER be more than it is, not ever) Lets think about that.

 

That isn't to depress you more (or me) it's to face reality. We have with these husbands what we likely didn't have growing up. The parts of us that are wounded latch on to our husbands for safety. We , as women, don't want to make waves. Don't want to explain why or how we could leave SUCH GREAT GUYS.

 

On the last , little (big) discussion with my husband... he gave me an out. He said,"I told myself if you brought up divorce or separating again, that I was going to let you go and go find yourself." Ummmm, where the hell has he been the last 25 years of me saying it's about sexual compatibility, being rejected, communication,his body image, and on and on. I'm not thinking of divorcing him because I need to FIND myself, not per se, but yes I have totally lost sight of who I am. If that makes him feel better if I leave to peg it on a midlife crisis where I needed to FIND myself, then so be it. I'm at the point now where whatever excuse he uses to feel better about none of it being about him is o.k. with me. And I think you and I also feel like because so many others will question our decision (on the outside looking in), perhaps we have to take the fall because we want to leave a "Good" guy.

 

Little do they know what really goes on in our lives. Maybe to cause less discussion or whatever, we do take some of the fall. Allow the "Good guys" to say we needed to go find ourselves. Who really cares after the dust settles of why and who said what? Our true friends and those close to us (You & I) will know the real reasons.

 

We need to get over feeling that sexual attraction and compatibility is not a good enough reason!!

 

I have been reading this thread for a while now and one thing that springs to mind (maybe somebody has mentioned it recently, haven't yet caught up on the most recent posts) is that when you and the other ladies in the same boat consistently state that you are with 'good men' and place ALL blame on yourselves...it just isn't true. It takes TWO to tango. Your relationships are unhealthy, and as you have stated quite rightly, caused by wounds from childhood that made you latch onto these men. These men have wounds that mirror yours and sort of fit together like jigsaw puzzles...just as much as you haven't been willing to dig deep and get to the root of the issue and ACT, so too, have they. Maybe on a subconscious level, or maybe on a conscious level, only they really know. (Men seem to be either in total oblivion as to why they feel the way they do, and just block it out quite effectively, or are aware on some level but don't really always have the impetus to dig deep, which women generally (not all) are more willing to do). Regardless, for them to stay in these marriages that sound like a toxic blanket, this shows THEY TOO are unhealthy and in denial - healthy, good people do good things and show love because they WANT to, not out of a place of feeling 'obliged' or 'guilty' or whatever else. The fact is, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of want in any of your relationships, from both sides. The men may be persisting on the surface, but the fact that they're happy to act 'not wanting sex' and a whole bunch of other intimacy-related stuff several of you ladies have mentioned, is just plain bizarre. I understand long-term relationships and marriages don't remain in that lovely, honeymoon stage of just wanting to rip each others' clothes off...but c'mon...the desire for real intimacy - whatever form that takes - who would remain when that is gone?

 

You ladies beat yourself up FAR too much. It TAKES TWO - your men are just as irresponsible in taking accountability and facing problems head-on as you are (and I'm not saying this in a mean way at all, just stating facts). So give up on the beating yourselves up so much.

One of the most important things I ever learnt in the arena of love and relationships is: each and every one of us are are first and foremost responsible for our own emotional wellbeing. It's that thing of no-one can make you feel crap without your consent. Which stretches to: no-one can make you feel obliged into doing what you don't want without your consent. You're responsible for yours..and they are responsible for theirs. Simple.

Believe me, I learnt this the hard way couple of years back. Dated a horribly dismissive type who believed he had ZERO accountability for his actions and words and I sank so deep...I had to learn everything I know now from scratch. Like you ladies, I too, come from a dysfunctional background, bad childhood, lack of care, avoidance tactics - the whole 9 yards. But I promise...with time, education, therapy, practice, it CAN get better. I now immediately am able to point out the flaws that are unworkable for me and non-negotiable when it comes to partners and look after myself impeccably, like I would my own child. I shudder when I think back to how I used to respond when put in the same situations...stick it out far too long, either not having my needs met and acting out due to an internal longing for love and care...or sticking it out with incompatible, 'good' men who are loving and nurturing..but who do it for the wrong reasons, usually because they are lonely too and this is what they know to feel love. Overcompensating.

It's funny how issues in people mirror each other...until you take that leap of faith and decide: no, no more. Suddenly...you attract different types, and not just in relationships. Your friendships are different, relationships with coworkers...everything.

 

I know a lot of what I have said has already been mentioned and reiterated, but I thought I would give in my 2 cents. Hope you find the strength to seek out and prioritise your own happiness and yes, the mountain ahead may look big and scary...but it is well worth the climb. Take it from someone who has climbed it and reached the other side. Good luck to you.

Edited February 26, 2018 by pinkpaw
grammar

[LostandLonging]

Thank you for your kind words, pinkpaw. I must admit whenever I log on here and see a long post from someone other than MLM I have to take a deep breath before reading haha. It was nice to log on and see your message.

[MidlifeMama]

pinkpaw,

You have given me a lot to think about in a different way!! Thank you so very much for the post!!

Excellent views and advise!!

[MidlifeMama]

Lost,

 

Checking in to see how you are doing??

Thinking of you and the struggle.

[LostandLonging]

Lost,

 

Checking in to see how you are doing??

Thinking of you and the struggle.

 

Hey MLM!

 

Meh… I am still in the same spot. We just had 2 weeks off work together but pretty much spent them apart. This online business he runs is so all consuming. It is a hobby and although he makes good money not at all necessary for us financially.

 

We went for a holiday in the first week and most of it was spent on him searching for stock. I of course had to do the holiday things like go to the pool on my own as he still isn’t making any attempt to lose the weight he’s been saying he’ll lose for over a decade.

 

I don’t mean to sound cruel but he never REALLY tries. He changes his diet slightly but that’s pretty much it. My suggestions of joining a gym or hiring a personal trainer are dismissed and I spend yet another summer alone.

 

Our home is fast becoming a storage facility for his stock. It began filling up our spare bedroom and has spread out to the rest of the house to the point where it takes me 10 minutes to get into our linen closet after having to spend time moving his containers. I cannot mention or even joke about the mess as it just makes him angry with me. His promises on cleaning this up have been going on for 5 years.

 

I still enjoy being with him, I really do, but I don’t know if I want this to be the rest of my life. Am I stupid to think things will ever change?

 

How are you? xx

[MidlifeMama]

Ugh, holiday (as you call it) in your neck of the woods. Just did a vacation (as we call it here) with hubby for our 25th. A warm destination that he didn't have much fun doing. He also has weight to lose and doesn't like the beach, the heat, the sand or anything of the sorts. And listen, I am not a model but do look pretty good for my age and work out. He has body issues and I can never fix that for him. So, likely our husbands will never move past that.

 

I enjoyed my time regardless and we do still enjoy each others company, as you have also said.

That makes it hard and confusing since you and I both know there is much still lacking or missing.

 

Is this all there is? It's hard to walk away from the safety and comfort and friendship.

 

We are excited about our first grand child coming in the Fall and that keeps me pushing forward and right here, but my soul is fighting it still!

 

On the sexual side... he went to see his doctor and actually spoke with her about the ED. He got a prescription for Viagra. He hasn't used it yet and sadly, I am o.k. with that.

 

On our holiday, he attempted to touch me 1 time. 1 time in a week. In his defense, I didn't attempt much either.

 

I keep justifying in my mind that all couples together so long must sleep more than have sex on their holidays too. I feel like I'm settling into accepting little to no intimacy and it is going against my grain of who I am.

 

Why am I doing this? I am doing it for the bigger picture (my family unit) until I can absolutely figure out if I am truly staying in this relationship for the rest of my life. I don't think I will yet I'm still so damn stuck.

 

I think of you often Lost and was hoping this site would come back up!!

 

Do you ever feel you will really take the plunge and decide for yourself to leave and pursue a different way of living?? I hope we both do , honestly. Letting go of our best friend is hard though!

Edited May 18, 2018 by MidlifeMama

[ICEMAN69]

Ugh, holiday (as you call it) in your neck of the woods. Just did a vacation (as we call it here) with hubby for our 25th. A warm destination that he didn't have much fun doing. He also has weight to lose and doesn't like the beach, the heat, the sand or anything of the sorts. And listen, I am not a model but do look pretty good for my age and work out. He has body issues and I can never fix that for him. So, likely our husbands will never move past that.

 

I enjoyed my time regardless and we do still enjoy each others company, as you have also said.

That makes it hard and confusing since you and I both know there is much still lacking or missing.

 

Is this all there is? It's hard to walk away from the safety and comfort and friendship.

 

We are excited about our first grand child coming in the Fall and that keeps me pushing forward and right here, but my soul is fighting it still!

 

On the sexual side... he went to see his doctor and actually spoke with her about the ED. He got a prescription for Viagra. He hasn't used it yet and sadly, I am o.k. with that.

 

On our holiday, he attempted to touch me 1 time. 1 time in a week. In his defense, I didn't attempt much either.

 

I keep justifying in my mind that all couples together so long must sleep more than have sex on their holidays too. I feel like I'm settling into accepting little to no intimacy and it is going against my grain of who I am.

 

Why am I doing this? I am doing it for the bigger picture (my family unit) until I can absolutely figure out if I am truly staying in this relationship for the rest of my life. I don't think I will yet I'm still so damn stuck.

 

I think of you often Lost and was hoping this site would come back up!!

 

Do you ever feel you will really take the plunge and decide for yourself to leave and pursue a different way of living?? I hope we both do , honestly. Letting go of our best friend is hard though!

 

 

It took me two days of reading this thread, but I'm finally fully caught up.

 

 

 

ED is pretty typical in men as they enter their 40s, 50s, and the lucky ones perhaps their 60s. Honestly, I'm not sure how men got by back before Viagra was invented. Must have been damn frustrating for both.

 

 

 

I'm a bit confused however by the ED in your husband MLM. Obviously that wasn't a problem when you guys got together because he was likely in his 20s, but if I'm understanding this right, he's never had a strong sex drive? Even from his younger days when you both met?

 

 

 

I only ask because I'm wondering if it's possible that this is why you view your husband in a less romantic / intimacy sense? Because it's been in many ways a platonic relationship right out of the gate?

 

 

 

I'm in a similar situation to yours with the genders of course reversed which is more the norm I believe. I know there are low sex males out there, of course like a lot of men, I can't relate to them at all. But in this and some of your previous postings you've suggested he has body image issues. Has that been from day one?

[S2B]

No, being together 25 years isn't a reason why sex dissipates in a marriage. Lack of interest may be the reason.

 

25 years of marriage had me and my then husband having sex every day. Sometimes several times a day. Vacation? Game on - that's why most couples that feel connected go on vacation - to have sex more often.

 

When you genuinely desire and respect a person - you want sex often with them.

 

Maybe you should look into why you don't desire him.

 

Maybe you should change things so you can be happy - life is too dang short.

 

You're both in the same spot because there's no action on your part to change anything.

 

I give your husband credit... at least he made effort to see the dr.

[SadHurtAndLost]

Maybe you can consider separation as a first step. It's a lot to ask of him and you, but it allows you to have some time alone without eliminating the possibility of reconciliation with a partner that you describe in very positive terms. I have been dealing with a similar thing in my relationship, and my partner decided to be alone rather than keeping the door open. I'm not sure how things would have proceeded if she provided me with this option, but at least it would have been an option.

 

She said the same thing to me, and she has been in a constant set of relationships since he teens as well. However, now that she is alone, the possibility of opportunity continues to be there, and she is longing for companionship and attention. Who knows what will happen? I just know that I would have preferred the opportunity to give her space and time to find herself rather than having no choice in the matter at all.