Wanting to leave a good relationship

[MidlifeMama]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

[wishyouneverleft]

It's wise to be true to yourself.

 

Why don't you sell the house and move? Then date your partner when you see fit...or not.

 

See a counselor to become stronger as you go along and make progress - that way you have support and guidance.

 

Try not to isolate - that can be depressing.

 

 

If you take any other advice aside from someone telling you to see a pro, you can't put the blame on them for free advice (you get what you pay for). To me this place is a support system, not for guidance. Decisions to severe something as vital as a deep emotional connection with someone should only be done if that's truly your final decision. A counselor/therapist will dig deep to see what really is the root of your feelings and if that's truly the remedy. Whatever decision you make, we're here for support ;);)

[LostandLonging]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

 

 

I’m so sorry to hear you’re still in a tough place, MLM. <3 I know exactly what you mean about going on a trip with a best friend. As much as I look forward to travelling part of me always dreads it because I know he is going to want to be intimate.

 

I am still in the same position, but working on myself. Reading a few self help books (which I NEVER thought I’d do) about doing what is best for you as you only have the one life. I want the words to just jump out at me so much that I can't NOT act, but nothing yet.

 

Every morning I wake up and practice what I think I should say to him, and every evening I get home and chicken out.

 

I’m sorry my reply is weeks late. I am trying to give outside influences a rest and concentrate a little more on my feelings. Thinking of you. xx

[BluesPower]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

 

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

 

This makes me sad... in general.

 

For both of you, I would really like for you to think about this.

 

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

But for you guys, I assure you that a relationship where you are totally romantically in love and where you are very sexually compatible it just one of the most wonderful things in the world.

 

It is probably even better than either of you realize it could be.

 

I urge you to not waste your life with someone that does not feel the same way, because it really is a waste...

[MidlifeMama]

This makes me sad... in general.

 

For both of you, I would really like for you to think about this.

 

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

But for you guys, I assure you that a relationship where you are totally romantically in love and where you are very sexually compatible it just one of the most wonderful things in the world.

 

It is probably even better than either of you realize it could be.

 

I urge you to not waste your life with someone that does not feel the same way, because it really is a waste...

 

Thank You Blues for your always wise words!

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Lost,

 

I replied but it isn't there. Anyway.. I hear you loud and clear! I hope your soul searching brings you clarity and peace!!

[Just a Guy]

Hi midlife, I have only one bit of advice apart from Blues excellent advice, and that is Take a leap of faith! Just tighten your belt and jump in head first. Then only will you free yourself. As long as you stick to your comfort zone you will keep wallowing in what ifs. Warm wishes.

[LostandLonging]

Hi Lost,

 

I replied but it isn't there. Anyway.. I hear you loud and clear! I hope your soul searching brings you clarity and peace!!

 

You too MLM! And I’d love to continue to keep in contact if that’s ok?

[MidlifeMama]

Absolutely!! Not sure if we are allowed to share private emails? But do come back here and let me know how you are doing.

[Cephalopod]

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

 

 

 

That's awesome man.

 

 

Just don't marry her.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cephalopod

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Lost,

 

How are you doing?? Things are the same here for me, but in ways different too. We have had so many talks and have been trying to find that "Feeling." We started to "schedule" sex... I don't look forward to it, but I want to try everything I can before throwing in the towel.

Now he has developed ED. Not surprising to me, I think all the talks have put his mind into me having one foot out the door. It's sad and hurtful and scary for both of us. I have spent half my life with this man. He is good and kind but the attraction isn't there, even if the deep love and friendship is.

We both have gone back to the gym. We have taken measures to work through stuff but I am not sure this can be worked through any longer.

I have been beating myself up so long that I think it's coming...the time to finally make the decision to go.

Since my thoughts wonder to moving South, I can't do that and leave my children (though grown). I have a daughter planning a wedding..God

Is there EVER a better time to make such a life changing decision?

Now, I feel like I can't desert him while having this very intimate difficulty with ED. Maybe if I do, he can find the one for him?

I have details to work out, but I do think a separation is in order to work my way through this to see and take baby steps to adjust for everyone involved.

Lost,

Do you think a separation would help you decide? I considered this today that I heard... If you stay, you know what your in for. If you leave, it's unknown but the possibilities are endless.

[LostandLonging]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

[MidlifeMama]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

 

God, I feel exactly the same way!!

Yesterday I came downstairs and while we were having coffee, I burst into tears. They flowed for at least 2 hours and we talked and talked. It's all out there (at least 90% of it) . There are things I will not tell him (attraction, etc). This man sat there and listened and shed a tear (He never cries). He said if I need to go he wont stop me, but that he has everything he needs right here (Me, the grown kids, etc). I was broken. What to do now? I feel exactly how you feel Lost!! I told him, I don't want to wake up depressed today and not sleep again tonight. He can't fix this for me, anymore than your husband can fix you Lost. I said also, If we were apart I would still want you in my life, even do things together but that would prevent you from moving on. He said,"You're right." I can't bare that at this time, so we will continue to find the love. I don't know how this will end but I saw what pain I could cause and feel and now I need to pause..it will come to me and you too Lost. We should be all in or all out but not that easy. Therapy starting this week for me.

Hang on, be kind to yourself. Hug your husband (I know) but it will help in a small way. You do love him and do need some good hugs and it's o.k. to reach out to him.

[LostandLonging]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

[MidlifeMama]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

 

No worries. I know what you're feeling. Courage or necessity for me? It hurts. The conversations are hard but I am the type of person whom things fester way too much and affect me. Much like they are you now Lost.

I kinda of looked at it this way..if you at least get your feelings out, he has a chance to see what you are going through and can support you and discuss it. You might be surprised that he knows(they know us) and has been avoiding the talk. It doesn't mean life-changing things have to happen right now today but the door is open to discuss and weight can be lifted.

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

[MidlifeMama]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

 

No worries. I know what you're feeling. Courage or necessity for me? It hurts. The conversations are hard but I am the type of person whom things fester way too much and affect me. Much like they are you now Lost.

 

I kinda of looked at it this way..if you at least get your feelings out, he has a chance to see what you are going through and can support you and discuss it. You might be surprised that he knows(they know us) and has been avoiding the talk. It doesn't mean life-changing things have to happen right now today but the door is open to discuss and weight can be lifted.

 

You might star with,"I have been feeling very LOST and I am hesitant about renewing our mortgage."

 

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

[Cephalopod]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

 

 

I'm sorry, but you cannot have both. If you divorce him he will have to let you go and move on with his life. Once he has a new woman in his life there will be no room for you. There will be no friendship.

 

 

He isn't a dogbone. You cannot bury him in the dirt and hope no other dog comes along and digs him up.

 

 

He won't belong to you anymore. That is the tradeoff. It sucks but that is life.

[LostandLonging]

He isn't a dogbone. You cannot bury him in the dirt and hope no other dog comes along and digs him up.

 

He won't belong to you anymore.

 

I've never thought any of these things.

[LostandLonging]

You might star with,"I have been feeling very LOST and I am hesitant about renewing our mortgage."

 

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

 

I have thought about doing exactly this, but knowing what he’s like I have reservations.

 

See, he is a very all or nothing person. Rather than talk things out with me and give it time, he would say something along the lines of “Well, make your mind up because I need to know what I’m doing” and then not speak to me for the remainder of the night (or week). I’ve attempted to share my feelings in the past and his shutting me out makes me feel so guilty that I just cave in and say ok ok, I’ll give it another shot.

 

Thinking of you too!

[MidlifeMama]

I have thought about doing exactly this, but knowing what he’s like I have reservations.

 

See, he is a very all or nothing person. Rather than talk things out with me and give it time, he would say something along the lines of “Well, make your mind up because I need to know what I’m doing” and then not speak to me for the remainder of the night (or week). I’ve attempted to share my feelings in the past and his shutting me out makes me feel so guilty that I just cave in and say ok ok, I’ll give it another shot.

 

Thinking of you too!

 

I understand this scenario all too well myself. My husband is the same. Maybe it is their defense mechanism and the way they cope with pain. You could say to him that you want him to listen to the hard conversations but that instead of having to have a solution right here and now, you need time to be heard and to work through any decisions that you'll make TOGETHER.

 

He still may go into flight mode, but then you'll have to be prepared to follow through.

 

What are your greatest fears for leaving? Is the main one his hurt and pain? He will survive it. Is it the risk of not finding what you have now (The parts you love and the parts that comfort you?) You won't know unless you seek it.

 

Is it being alone? I think you may treasure that part though and likely wouldn't be forever, so take that off the reasons not to leave list.

 

I would not re-do the mortgage if in your heart you do not want that. You do have a right to say no to that. Let him do it in his name.

 

I have caved with each conversation with my husband and though in many ways it has brought us together, in other ways it has put an emotional wedge between us as there is no taking back the feelings that have been brought up.

 

My situation drastically changed recently as we were informed that our daughter is pregnant (1st grandchild). Though thrilled, I now know that this is not the time for me to be making life-changing decisions about leaving her Father..a personal decision yes, because I can't live for everyone else, but.. it gave me new purpose in life and made me look at my family unit more. My life isn't just about me. I had nearly both feet out the door and had finally come to the realization that it was indeed what I wanted, but now, I am having doubts again. I am not letting go of what I want but instead pausing. I am tired of not trusting my gut, but have made a decision to put the brakes on leaving. I know what I have and I know what I don't have in this marriage. It actually hurts less to face that. I am trying to fulfill ME in other ways until I can set myself free.

 

I will get my daughter through this and be the best parent and grandparent I can be and spouse too, but I do believe we may part our ways. Timing is everything right now in my situation. I love my husband but realize that a life long partnership is very unlikely anymore. My time will come when I move on. I have played it out too long in my head and have even grieved the marriage for some time, but with a new sense of purpose, I will carry on, and love but still feel a void. I am hoping I can fill that void someday, but that will be up to me. I am working on me and focusing less on what I don't have because right now, it's what I need to do.

 

For you Lost, you are in place in your life that you don't have to do that. The longer you wait, the less time you have. Let go of guilt and fear and spread your wings. If you are unable to completely break free, perhaps a separation to see how you feel on your own is in store? Remember that the sadness, depression and guilt are only feelings telling you something isn't right for you. I realized that my husband wasn't feeling all good things and sunshine either. How could he? My actions and feelings were not showing him I was passionate about him. He has been settling too.

Edited February 17, 2018 by MidlifeMama

[LostandLonging]

What are your greatest fears forleaving? Is the main one his hurt and pain? He will survive it. Is it the riskof not finding what you have now (The parts you love and the parts that comfortyou?) You won't know unless you seek it.

 

Is it being alone? I think you may treasure that part though and likelywouldn't be forever, so take that off the reasons not to leave list.

 

Number one is definitely hurting him. Seeing the incredible pain in his eyes and heart when I tell him that there are so many things in our relationship I didn’t want to go through with, but I did anyway. Telling him that even though I love and care for him, I don’t think we work as a couple anymore. Leaving him to start again in his 50’s with no home (we would have to sell the house; neither of us can afford to buy the other out) and nothing to his name. Leaving him to torture himself, wondering where on earth he went wrong. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. The guilt would eat me up inside.

 

I guess I am also scared of the whole starting over thing too. I keep saying to myself “I have it so good (the property for example is in a VERY sought after area that I’d never be able to buy in again), and although it’s not perfect and I feel I am missing out on a lot, I am often fairly content. Do I really want to give it up for the POSSIBILITY that the grass is greener?”

 

It’s losing the extended family I’ve had for nearly 2 decades, it’s my family losing someone they consider a brother-in-law and son-in-law.

 

I don’t think I am afraid of being alone. It will be a strange adjustment, but I never have been alone and part of me gets excited about the thought of being able to make my own decisions without running it by someone else first – something I’ve never experienced.

 

I saw an Instagram post recently that said “Just because I treat you right, doesn’t mean I’m the one. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do”

 

One of the comments under it was:

 

“YES. THIS IS GOLD. I have seriously heard women say “well, maybe I should stay with him because he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t hit me, he is independent and doesn’t use me, he’s nice to my friends and family and doesn’t tear me down. Why the ****am I complaining? I’ll never find another guy like that.” I’ve heard guys say “I don’t get it, why did she leave? I never cheated on her once. I never hit her. I’ve always been nice to her.” And I’ve even heard people say, “If they treat you right then that’s all that matters.” NO. You aren’t an exceptional person for doing the bare minimum or for not doing the bad. You also are worthy of having someone who does more than just not treat you bad, but someone who makes you happy. Treating someone right is crucial, mandatory in fact, but that’s not all there is to it - there’s compatibility, passion, intimacy, attraction, fun, etc. and if something like that is missing, you’re not a jerk for wanting to try to find a relationship that has all that.”

 

It really spoke to me because that’s exactly how I feel. He is wonderful to me, always has been. So why do I still feel like this just isn’t right for me? Why do we worship people who do the bare decent human being minimum and think we’ll never find anyone else who does? Is the bar really set that low that we consider anyone who treats us with the basic respect one SHOULD treat their partner with a “catch”?

 

Thank you as always for your kind words, Mama. Please keep me updated with how everything is with your daughter. xoxoxo

Edited February 19, 2018 by LostandLonging

[BluesPower]

Number one is definitely hurting him. Seeing the incredible pain in his eyes and heart when I tell him that there are so many things in our relationship I didn’t want to go through with, but I did anyway. Telling him that even though I love and care for him, I don’t think we work as a couple anymore. Leaving him to start again in his 50’s with no home (we would have to sell the house; neither of us can afford to buy the other out) and nothing to his name. Leaving him to torture himself, wondering where on earth he went wrong. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. The guilt would eat me up inside.

 

I guess I am also scared of the whole starting over thing too. I keep saying to myself “I have it so good (the property for example is in a VERY sought after area that I’d never be able to buy in again), and although it’s not perfect and I feel I am missing out on a lot, I am often fairly content. Do I really want to give it up for the POSSIBILITY that the grass is greener?”

 

It’s losing the extended family I’ve had for nearly 2 decades, it’s my family losing someone they consider a brother-in-law and son-in-law.

 

I don’t think I am afraid of being alone. It will be a strange adjustment, but I never have been alone and part of me gets excited about the thought of being able to make my own decisions without running it by someone else first – something I’ve never experienced.

 

I saw an Instagram post recently that said “Just because I treat you right, doesn’t mean I’m the one. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do”

 

One of the comments under it was:

 

“YES. THIS IS GOLD. I have seriously heard women say “well, maybe I should stay with him because he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t hit me, he is independent and doesn’t use me, he’s nice to my friends and family and doesn’t tear me down. Why the ****am I complaining? I’ll never find another guy like that.” I’ve heard guys say “I don’t get it, why did she leave? I never cheated on her once. I never hit her. I’ve always been nice to her.” And I’ve even heard people say, “If they treat you right then that’s all that matters.” NO. You aren’t an exceptional person for doing the bare minimum or for not doing the bad. You also are worthy of having someone who does more than just not treat you bad, but someone who makes you happy. Treating someone right is crucial, mandatory in fact, but that’s not all there is to it - there’s compatibility, passion, intimacy, attraction, fun, etc. and if something like that is missing, you’re not a jerk for wanting to try to find a relationship that has all that.”

 

It really spoke to me because that’s exactly how I feel. He is wonderful to me, always has been. So why do I still feel like this just isn’t right for me? Why do we worship people who do the bare decent human being minimum and think we’ll never find anyone else who does? Is the bar really set that low that we consider anyone who treats us with the basic respect one SHOULD treat their partner with a “catch”?

 

Thank you as always for your kind words, Mama. Please keep me updated with how everything is with your daughter. xoxoxo

 

Think about this... And to you and MM I am not saying to go one way or another.

 

But, you know, he is not doing the bare minimum, if he has been a good husband, a good provider and a good father, sorry that is not the bare minimum.

 

There are a ton of people, esp women, that do not do that. So I think your "Thinking" is wrong in this example.

 

And, that does not mean that you should stay with him either. Lack of sexual attraction, lack of passion is a horrible thing to deal with. And who knows, he may not be as hunky dory on his side as you think.

 

But I can tell you this, both of you lacking any sexual attraction to your husbands is just a horrible thing. Not only for you, but for them as well.

 

They both know that you feel that way, even if you have not come out and said it that bluntly, they know.

 

And they are just holding out hope that some how they will figure out how to fix that, or it could be that they have given up hope on that part of life.

 

This is one of the biggest disservices that you are both doing to yourselves and to your husbands.

 

And I can say this, in my circle of musicians that I had out with, there are several of us that (coincidently) have found someone that we are compatible with in everyway. Sexually, affection, values, bla, bla bla.

 

I don't think this is an anomaly in this group of people, but it is kind of strange that so many people our age seem to have finally found someone that would seem to be "the one".

[MidlifeMama]

Number one is definitely hurting him. Seeing the incredible pain in his eyes and heart when I tell him that there are so many things in our relationship I didn’t want to go through with, but I did anyway. Telling him that even though I love and care for him, I don’t think we work as a couple anymore. Leaving him to start again in his 50’s with no home (we would have to sell the house; neither of us can afford to buy the other out) and nothing to his name. Leaving him to torture himself, wondering where on earth he went wrong. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. The guilt would eat me up inside.

 

I guess I am also scared of the whole starting over thing too. I keep saying to myself “I have it so good (the property for example is in a VERY sought after area that I’d never be able to buy in again), and although it’s not perfect and I feel I am missing out on a lot, I am often fairly content. Do I really want to give it up for the POSSIBILITY that the grass is greener?”

 

It’s losing the extended family I’ve had for nearly 2 decades, it’s my family losing someone they consider a brother-in-law and son-in-law.

 

I don’t think I am afraid of being alone. It will be a strange adjustment, but I never have been alone and part of me gets excited about the thought of being able to make my own decisions without running it by someone else first – something I’ve never experienced.

 

I saw an Instagram post recently that said “Just because I treat you right, doesn’t mean I’m the one. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do”

 

One of the comments under it was:

 

“YES. THIS IS GOLD. I have seriously heard women say “well, maybe I should stay with him because he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t hit me, he is independent and doesn’t use me, he’s nice to my friends and family and doesn’t tear me down. Why the ****am I complaining? I’ll never find another guy like that.” I’ve heard guys say “I don’t get it, why did she leave? I never cheated on her once. I never hit her. I’ve always been nice to her.” And I’ve even heard people say, “If they treat you right then that’s all that matters.” NO. You aren’t an exceptional person for doing the bare minimum or for not doing the bad. You also are worthy of having someone who does more than just not treat you bad, but someone who makes you happy. Treating someone right is crucial, mandatory in fact, but that’s not all there is to it - there’s compatibility, passion, intimacy, attraction, fun, etc. and if something like that is missing, you’re not a jerk for wanting to try to find a relationship that has all that.”

 

It really spoke to me because that’s exactly how I feel. He is wonderful to me, always has been. So why do I still feel like this just isn’t right for me? Why do we worship people who do the bare decent human being minimum and think we’ll never find anyone else who does? Is the bar really set that low that we consider anyone who treats us with the basic respect one SHOULD treat their partner with a “catch”?

 

Thank you as always for your kind words, Mama. Please keep me updated with how everything is with your daughter. xoxoxo

 

EVERYTHING you just said here is also me. I so get it, I do! One thing that keeps nagging at me is... I know I have to get to the point that my happiness, my TRUE happiness is not really where I am right now and I'm settling out of fear, so are you. I will write more tomorrow, gotta run, but you hit every single point spot on and it all makes sense and rings true for me as well.

[LostandLonging]

MLM you know I was thinking about something on my lunch hour yesterday that I had to admit to myself. I actually have no desire to work on my relationship. What do you think that means? Like, people can throw suggestions at me until they’re blue in the face and he can make all the changes he wants but I still have no desire to make it work. I am beginning to think that’s why I am so confused about this all the time. No matter how many wonderful suggestions come my way, I just don’t care.

 

Does it mean I’m completely unwilling to compromise? That I don’t love him? That I just love him as a friend and am happy to plod along as friends without sharing my true feelings?

 

In all our time together we have maybe had 3 big talks, all instigated by me after I’d had enough of a certain thing (neglect, his promises to lose weight (before the accusations start (1) I don't care what he looks like (2) I DO care that we've never done things like been to the beach together because he is embarrassed about his body (3) Yes, I have tried to help him with his eating habits but it becomes exhausting at times; I can only cook so many meals and he refuses to cook any himself (4) I am often yelled at and called a nag for trying to help him through this and that's something I don't want to have to cop), etc). Even then, despite all the promises he made (and sometimes kept) I still knew no matter what he did nothing would change in terms of my feelings. Why did I put him through that, then? Was I testing him? Secretly hoping he WOULDN'T keep his promises so I could just end it without feeling bad? I don't understand.

 

Part of me has always thought we should have never gone beyond being friends. I can still remember the novelty I felt back then about dating an older man. Bragging to friends about our age difference, feeling amazing that this wise older man had picked ME. But as nice as it was, even in the early stages everything felt so forced. Maybe I have always known that but couldn't admit it to myself??

 

 

EDIT: I'm truly sorry to everyone reading this who has taken so much time to reply to me. It's something that I've only recently just admitted to myself.

Edited February 23, 2018 by LostandLonging
Apology

[StoicHusband]

MLM you know I was thinking about something on my lunch hour yesterday that I had to admit to myself. I actually have no desire to work on my relationship. What do you think that means? Like, people can throw suggestions at me until they’re blue in the face and he can make all the changes he wants but I still have no desire to make it work. I am beginning to think that’s why I am so confused about this all the time. No matter how many wonderful suggestions come my way, I just don’t care.

 

It's because he's not the problem. Sorry to be the one to say it. But he's not. You may not be either. I don't know you guys. I've followed your thread a bit and I'm much younger and I don't have the advice you need, but from my observations, this is what I see. Hope it helps, take it for what it's worth... just my thoughts.

 

Does it mean I’m completely unwilling to compromise? That I don’t love him? That I just love him as a friend and am happy to plod along as friends without sharing my true feelings?

 

Changing someone else is easier, because you can admit their problems long before you'll admit your own. It's a common thing in people falling into the divorce trap. It's not entirely likely that you'll be happier after a divorce. It's a hard thing to do, it takes a toll. You'll likely find it's not what you needed to be happier.

 

What is stopping you from doing all that you want while still being married? Is it because you honestly believe you need to be with another person to be happy? Because that won't make you happy. You have a person who is (at least somewhat) willing to change right now... I'm sure if you knew what you wanted he'd at least try to give it. If not, or even if so, you may find that happiness is something that comes from within. No other person can give you happiness.

 

What makes the next person magically able to make you happy? Just a thought, trying to be helpful. You have a lot of questions and few answers. Maybe mine are wrong, but I can't help but feel this way.

 

In all our time together we have maybe had 3 big talks, all instigated by me after I’d had enough of a certain thing (neglect, his promises to lose weight (before the accusations start (1) I don't care what he looks like (2) I DO care that we've never done things like been to the beach together because he is embarrassed about his body (3) Yes, I have tried to help him with his eating habits but it becomes exhausting at times; I can only cook so many meals and he refuses to cook any himself (4) I am often yelled at and called a nag for trying to help him through this and that's something I don't want to have to cop), etc). Even then, despite all the promises he made (and sometimes kept) I still knew no matter what he did nothing would change in terms of my feelings. Why did I put him through that, then? Was I testing him? Secretly hoping he WOULDN'T keep his promises so I could just end it without feeling bad? I don't understand.

 

It seems like the latter is a possibility. It's common for people who want out to seek reasons in the other person to get out. I think it is more likely, however, that you don't really KNOW what you want. It could be just that simple.

 

Part of me has always thought we should have never gone beyond being friends. I can still remember the novelty I felt back then about dating an older man. Bragging to friends about our age difference, feeling amazing that this wise older man had picked ME. But as nice as it was, even in the early stages everything felt so forced. Maybe I have always known that but couldn't admit it to myself??

 

And when you find someone else, you'll have a new novelty... it will wear off also and you'll be back in the same boat, just a little older, a little less committed, and a little less valuable to the next person who could offer you the same novelty again...

 

New relationships are exciting... why not start a new one with your husband? Just a thought. Seriously, I'm not finger-pointing (especially not at you) it sounds like you have all the license you need if you want to leave... I'm just trying to give you some license to stay if you feel you could.

 

EDIT: I'm truly sorry to everyone reading this who has taken so much time to reply to me. It's something that I've only recently just admitted to myself.

 

This website often works out like a journal or an open-letter, there's no need to apologize. We all get it because we've all been there, or loved someone who has been there. Hopefully as we continue to reply (sometimes in a futile fashion) you will realize what it is that you want and our advice may help you to go get it.

 

Good luck.

 

I hope my responses were helpful and if not I hope they are at least thought-provoking... sometimes a wrong answer is just the trick.

Edited February 23, 2018 by StoicHusband