A letter to my Wayward Husband

[Spring23]

I've written this to my WH. You can read my full story by clicking on my stats. I thought I'd like to share it and hear your views and reactions. i haven't actually sent it yet. Still thinking things over.

 

 

 

"I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and looking at that picture collage last night brought a few things home.

 

After a year of lying by omission followed by a year of lying to my face about the affair and distorting facts, the main problem is that I no longer feel I know who you are. And that means I can’t trust you or myself. And I don’t think you know who you are either. You’ve spent so long acting - performing the roles both of loving husband/Dad and also star crossed lover/knight in shining armour/”hot” professor. It must have been / must be exhausting. The reality is that you have been the worst possible husband, feeding me layer after layer of lies upon lies until I don’t know which way is up and I have to take medication to function as a mother and employee. (Now I know why xxxxx, on her deathbed, still wonders whether xxx is going to get back with his other woman of over 40 years ago.) You were supposed to love and protect me to be on my team. And I’m sorry to say this, but you haven’t been a great Dad in recent years.

 

You convinced yourself otherwise, but you were engaged not in a great romance between soul mates who were destined to be together and couldn't help themselves but a sordid, seedy, obsession, an illusion driven deliberately by two utterly selfish, flawed, immature drama queens for their own gratification no matter what the damage was to themselves and the people around them. And you chose not to stop but to keep going and keep lying until all the good stuff in your life was gone and there was no one left to hurt. (That’s assuming you have indeed stopped).

 

As long as you kept lying to yourself about the nature of the affair you could justify going back in. You've twisted all three of us in knots of lies and manipulations. You've lied to three counsellors – painting yourself as the honest broker who made a few “mistakes” and was deeply repentant. You’ve permanently damaged the likelihood of the kids having healthy, normal, relationships in the future. And I don’t mean just romantic ones. Trusting friends, colleagues and family members will always be hard for them now. It’ll be hard for them to trust that when life is good it’s going to stay good and not come falling down around their ears without warning one day. And the fact that you've upset their last years at home, the ones they’ll remember more than the simple innocent times that they had before is very hard to forgive.

 

In addition to the lies an gas lighting, I've had to listen to how flawed I am, how you don’t like my pyjamas, the way I initiate sex, the fact that I'm a prude (it’s true, I probably am too much of a prude to have sex in a storeroom with someone else’s husband – but who knows? There’s life in me yet). As a result I'm questioning our entire relationship and trying to work out who the real you is and whether I want a relationship with him. I'm craving authenticity now. I need some solid ground.

 

I googled the verb “repent”. It means to “change one’s mind with regard to past (or intended) action, or conduct, on account of regret or dissatisfaction,” or to “feel regret, contrition, or compunction, for what one has done or omitted to do.” I thought you’d begun to “repent” ages ago – you spoke about it quite a lot. You convinced xxx (counsellor number 1) that you were the very model of repentance! You played a blinder there. But there was no repentance; otherwise you wouldn't have contacted her again and again. You claim you’re now 7 weeks out of the affair this time. Perhaps genuine repentance is now beginning to happen. Perhaps there’s an opportunity for us to come to a common understanding of the affair and a common view about her too – not a “nice woman” who made “mistakes” and loved you, but a messed up, conniving manipulator incapable of actual love and devoid of any human empathy. Someone who set her sights on another woman’s husband and wouldn't take no for an answer. Not because he was irresistibly hot and unhappily married but because he was her boss and it would assist her career, he was wealthy and, above all, he was foolish enough that she could manipulate him and perhaps “win” him off me. Me, your wife: her antithesis in character in every way. Because “winning” was the only way she knew how to garner a little bit of self worth.

 

But it’s far too soon to know whether repentance has begun. And I'm only about 50% convinced you’re not still in contact with her anyway.

 

Despite all this I think reconciliation possible. And it's still what I want, if done properly and wholeheartedly. Perhaps our chances of success hinge not on what you've done to me but about what you've done to yourself. I guess it’s time now for both of us to work out who the real you is and how you want to live your life from now on. Are you capable of living authentically - in other words in accordance with the values you purport to hold? Do you actually hold those values? Do you still think of yourself as special and different? Was your affair special and different? Things would have to be different. I know that my ability to trust has been shattered and that I'm now hyper sensitive to lies. I would never be able to tolerate the white lies and hyperbole I used to let slide

 

The lease is up on your flat in about 5 weeks. A big question for me is whether we should work through this process this while still living apart or whether I allow you to move back in when lease is up and we take it from there.

 

Your wife."

 

Thanks for reading

 

TBH it doesn't sound like you could ever forgive him.

[aileD]

I understand your anger. But if you truly want reconciliation, this letter isn't going to help you. IMO I'd reconciliation is on your mind, you only really need the last two paragraphs.

 

The rest of it makes you sound vindictive and hateful. Which you have a right to be and this is something that will need to be worked out in MC, but i don't know. It seems like the purpose of your letter is to shame him and let him know how trashy and low life of a human you see him as now. Which is fine but reconciliation will be tough.

 

 

I haven't read your backstory so sorry if I'm off base. But I'm reconciling now and would never write my h a letter like this

 

I'm sorry for your pain

[Steen719]

I've written this to my WH. You can read my full story by clicking on my stats. I thought I'd like to share it and hear your views and reactions. i haven't actually sent it yet. Still thinking things over.

 

 

 

"I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and looking at that picture collage last night brought a few things home.

 

After a year of lying by omission followed by a year of lying to my face about the affair and distorting facts, the main problem is that I no longer feel I know who you are. And that means I can’t trust you or myself. And I don’t think you know who you are either. You’ve spent so long acting - performing the roles both of loving husband/Dad and also star crossed lover/knight in shining armour/”hot” professor. It must have been / must be exhausting. The reality is that you have been the worst possible husband, feeding me layer after layer of lies upon lies until I don’t know which way is up and I have to take medication to function as a mother and employee. (Now I know why xxxxx, on her deathbed, still wonders whether xxx is going to get back with his other woman of over 40 years ago.) You were supposed to love and protect me to be on my team. And I’m sorry to say this, but you haven’t been a great Dad in recent years.

 

You convinced yourself otherwise, but you were engaged not in a great romance between soul mates who were destined to be together and couldn't help themselves but a sordid, seedy, obsession, an illusion driven deliberately by two utterly selfish, flawed, immature drama queens for their own gratification no matter what the damage was to themselves and the people around them. And you chose not to stop but to keep going and keep lying until all the good stuff in your life was gone and there was no one left to hurt. (That’s assuming you have indeed stopped).

 

As long as you kept lying to yourself about the nature of the affair you could justify going back in. You've twisted all three of us in knots of lies and manipulations. You've lied to three counsellors – painting yourself as the honest broker who made a few “mistakes” and was deeply repentant. You’ve permanently damaged the likelihood of the kids having healthy, normal, relationships in the future. And I don’t mean just romantic ones. Trusting friends, colleagues and family members will always be hard for them now. It’ll be hard for them to trust that when life is good it’s going to stay good and not come falling down around their ears without warning one day. And the fact that you've upset their last years at home, the ones they’ll remember more than the simple innocent times that they had before is very hard to forgive.

 

In addition to the lies an gas lighting, I've had to listen to how flawed I am, how you don’t like my pyjamas, the way I initiate sex, the fact that I'm a prude (it’s true, I probably am too much of a prude to have sex in a storeroom with someone else’s husband – but who knows? There’s life in me yet). As a result I'm questioning our entire relationship and trying to work out who the real you is and whether I want a relationship with him. I'm craving authenticity now. I need some solid ground.

 

I googled the verb “repent”. It means to “change one’s mind with regard to past (or intended) action, or conduct, on account of regret or dissatisfaction,” or to “feel regret, contrition, or compunction, for what one has done or omitted to do.” I thought you’d begun to “repent” ages ago – you spoke about it quite a lot. You convinced xxx (counsellor number 1) that you were the very model of repentance! You played a blinder there. But there was no repentance; otherwise you wouldn't have contacted her again and again. You claim you’re now 7 weeks out of the affair this time. Perhaps genuine repentance is now beginning to happen. Perhaps there’s an opportunity for us to come to a common understanding of the affair and a common view about her too – not a “nice woman” who made “mistakes” and loved you, but a messed up, conniving manipulator incapable of actual love and devoid of any human empathy. Someone who set her sights on another woman’s husband and wouldn't take no for an answer. Not because he was irresistibly hot and unhappily married but because he was her boss and it would assist her career, he was wealthy and, above all, he was foolish enough that she could manipulate him and perhaps “win” him off me. Me, your wife: her antithesis in character in every way. Because “winning” was the only way she knew how to garner a little bit of self worth.

 

But it’s far too soon to know whether repentance has begun. And I'm only about 50% convinced you’re not still in contact with her anyway.

 

Despite all this I think reconciliation possible. And it's still what I want, if done properly and wholeheartedly. Perhaps our chances of success hinge not on what you've done to me but about what you've done to yourself. I guess it’s time now for both of us to work out who the real you is and how you want to live your life from now on. Are you capable of living authentically - in other words in accordance with the values you purport to hold? Do you actually hold those values? Do you still think of yourself as special and different? Was your affair special and different? Things would have to be different. I know that my ability to trust has been shattered and that I'm now hyper sensitive to lies. I would never be able to tolerate the white lies and hyperbole I used to let slide

 

The lease is up on your flat in about 5 weeks. A big question for me is whether we should work through this process this while still living apart or whether I allow you to move back in when lease is up and we take it from there.

 

Your wife."

 

Thanks for reading

 

Believe me, I have known your pain, so I am coming from your side here.

 

She may not be a nice person and may have set her cap for him, but he is an adult and though she may be as you described her, it was he who had a bond with you. He is who broke that bond, not her. He wouldn't see her that way, anyway, and might actually defend her.

 

I did send my XH letters like this because he did not actually hear what I was saying to him. Well, he did not actually read my letters, either, even though I implored him to and then when I questioned him, he said he had read them. BUT, he continued to say the same things, so if he read them, he didn't get it. In retrospect, that should not have surprised me one whit.

 

I will say this - I was NOT trying to reconcile. I was explaining why I wouldn't reconcile with him. He just didn't get it. Never saw the pain he caused me and his son. I hope he has now, really just for his sake and my son's sake, so he can make efforts in the best way, to repair his relationship with our son. I am long gone.

 

I'm sorry you are here. It sucks. I hope things get better for you soon.

[mercy]

Mrscommited, I think it is beautifully written to the point and from the heart. I guess I am in the minority here but that's okay. I say send it. I also think that it should be read together at some point bringing about a long much needed drawn out conversation.

 

You wrote........'the fact that I'm a prude (it’s true, I probably am too much of a prude to have sex in a storeroom with someone else’s husband – but who knows? There’s life in me yet).'

 

Well, that was just priceless!

[Whoknew30]

It's completely understandable that you're angry, confused & upset...especially if he keeps lying to you.

 

What I'd like personally point out is if you really feel this way & he's damaged the kids for life...then why even speak about reconciliation? What example are you being for your kids then? He's such a crappy dad & H but yet you still want to be with him?

 

Not your fault that this has happened but if you know he's lied so much...well first time shame on him but now you're a willing participant & that you can't on him. If you're allowing him to come back & forth, you have to realize you're now allowing it. You're making yourself an option to your own H. Is that positive for your life?

 

Good luck...maybe some independent counseling would help you more right now than MC.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Whoknew30
Spelling

[NTV]

I've been where you are. I know the grieving process better than I ever wanted to. .. This is bargaining.

 

If your husband was remorseful and trying for reconciliation is perfectly fine to share the pain he caused with him.

 

But he isn't.

 

Sending this letter will not help you heal. It won't help him realize what he's done. And if does take you up on your offer for reconciliation it sets the wrong tone for that.

 

Do you know what I see? I see an old scumbag thinking he's playing hot college professor and not realizing how sad he is. I see a beautiful and loving wife in more pain than anyone should be in.

 

But I also see hope. Hope for you. While he's out of the house I want you to consider doing the following things: eating at everywhere you wanted to but didn't because he doesn't like that kind of food. Watching a movie at the theater that you will love but he would hate. Taking time for yourself. Painting half your face blue and screaming "Freeeedddoooooom!" And posting that video on your Facebook. Finding that one novelty shop that sells itching powder and sprinkling it in whatever clothing he left behind.

 

Think about it. Think about what he actually does for you versus what you thought he did. There's a good chance that all that he did won't add up to all that much.

 

NTV

[Mrs. John Adams]

I actually love your letter...

 

It is hard for me to say whether or not you should send it.. because I don't know your husband or how he might react to it.

 

But I can tell you how I would react... if my husband had sent me this letter I would have groveled on the floor begging for forgiveness.

 

Sometimes I think wayward have told so many lies... especially to themselves... that they truly do t see how ugly they have become.... and I think some betrayed spouses are so afraid of the repercussions if a fallout that they don't tell them just how ugly they have become.

 

This letter can do one of two things... it can snap him back to reality or it can send him packing... and in reality if he goes packing... adios .. what have you really lost?

 

I completely understand why you want reconciliation... because even though you hate who he has become.. you still love him.

 

My husband has always loved me ... even when I was unlovable.

 

I wish I could tell you what to do but I want you to know how much your letter moved me and reminded me of where I have been and how far I have come... it has reminded me how very lucky I am to have a spouse who loves me. Your letter broke my heart... and sometimes that's exactly what we need...

to be reminded of the devastation we have caused to so many

[wmacbride]

Mrscommited, I think it is beautifully written to the point and from the heart. I guess I am in the minority here but that's okay. I say send it. I also think that it should be read together at some point bringing about a long much needed drawn out conversation.

 

You wrote........'the fact that I'm a prude (it’s true, I probably am too much of a prude to have sex in a storeroom with someone else’s husband – but who knows? There’s life in me yet).'

 

Well, that was just priceless!

 

I would advise you to send it too, but with a caveat...

 

Give yourself a bit of time, even if it's just a few hours, and then read it again. Ask yourself if this is what you want hm to know.

 

If it still feels right to you, then send it.I am not going to pretend there won't be any backlash, but you sound hurt and angry, and that needs to be expressed. Keeping it in will not help you or your marriage. It will just fester and poison you.

 

I'm saying you should get really pissed and start hitting him or kicking him in the @ss ( as good as that might might feel:p:laugh:) but that you should prepare your letter then sit down with him, explain why you wrote it and ask him to read it and then discuss it with you. It might actually allow you two to start having some very difficult conversations.

 

Collect your strength. Decide what you feel is best for you, your children and the fmaily as a unit, gather your courage and make it happen.

 

You can do it. Whether you R as I did, or you choose divorce, you will get through it.

[Spring23]

Mrscommited, I think it is beautifully written to the point and from the heart. I guess I am in the minority here but that's okay. I say send it. I also think that it should be read together at some point bringing about a long much needed drawn out conversation.

 

You wrote........'the fact that I'm a prude (it’s true, I probably am too much of a prude to have sex in a storeroom with someone else’s husband – but who knows? There’s life in me yet).'

 

Well, that was just priceless!

 

It was sarcastic and funny but also quite bitter and angry.

 

IMHO this marriage isn't a good candidate for reconciliation. Sometimes the best choice is to divorce and cut your losses.

[Mrscommited]

I've been where you are. I know the grieving process better than I ever wanted to. .. This is bargaining.

 

If your husband was remorseful and trying for reconciliation is perfectly fine to share the pain he caused with him.

 

But he isn't.

 

Sending this letter will not help you heal. It won't help him realize what he's done. And if does take you up on your offer for reconciliation it sets the wrong tone for that.

 

Do you know what I see? I see an old scumbag thinking he's playing hot college professor and not realizing how sad he is. I see a beautiful and loving wife in more pain than anyone should be in.

 

But I also see hope. Hope for you. While he's out of the house I want you to consider doing the following things: eating at everywhere you wanted to but didn't because he doesn't like that kind of food. Watching a movie at the theater that you will love but he would hate. Taking time for yourself. Painting half your face blue and screaming "Freeeedddoooooom!" And posting that video on your Facebook. Finding that one novelty shop that sells itching powder and sprinkling it in whatever clothing he left behind.

 

Think about it. Think about what he actually does for you versus what you thought he did. There's a good chance that all that he did won't add up to all that much.

 

NTV

 

I should have given a bit more context. He is keen to reconcile. But he's been keen before and got back in touch with her.

 

But you make good points. Perhaps there's just too much hurt and water under the bridge. Perhaps we need time for my rage to subside and take a cooler look at things.

And I do enjoy my space and having the kids to myself. I don't feel I want to lose all that for a reconciliation that might not succeed.

 

The flip side is that I wonder if I don't seize the opportunity I would regret it later in life? He was a good husband and Dad for 25 years before his midlife crisis.

[Confused48]

My favorite part was this:

 

not a “nice woman” who made “mistakes” and loved you, but a messed up, conniving manipulator incapable of actual love and devoid of any human empathy.

 

I LOVE it!

 

I'd lose the "thanks for reading" part.

 

Also, please lose all hope that this will affect your cheater. He's likely a cold hearted type who will, at most, pretend to care about your feelings. If he really cared about how this affair affected you he would have genuinely repented, long ago. Or how about this, never cheated. THe only thing this type of person cares about is how your rage affects him.

[Whoknew30]

I should have given a bit more context. He is keen to reconcile. But he's been keen before and got back in touch with her.

 

But you make good points. Perhaps there's just too much hurt and water under the bridge. Perhaps we need time for my rage to subside and take a cooler look at things.

And I do enjoy my space and having the kids to myself. I don't feel I want to lose all that for a reconciliation that might not succeed.

 

The flip side is that I wonder if I don't seize the opportunity I would regret it later in life? He was a good husband and Dad for 25 years before his midlife crisis.

 

I agree with NTV...you need a break. Like a real break. Go live your life for a bit on your terms, while you get over the anger. Start living your life just as your own for a minute. Sign up for something you've always wanted to do, show him you're not an option. Let him really deal with himself for awhile, without anything from you...& then figure out if you really want to reconcile.

 

If you "lose" him in the process, then you would have lost him anyways & this way at least you're in more of a emotionally healthy place no matter which way it goes...good luck!

[Mrscommited]

It was sarcastic and funny but also quite bitter and angry.

 

IMHO this marriage isn't a good candidate for reconciliation. Sometimes the best choice is to divorce and cut your losses.

 

Agreed. I am bloody angry. I was pretty "big" about everything when he first confessed but two false reconciliations have pushed me over my limit. I don't know when the rage will subside but I know it's counter productive to reconciliation. Perhaps I have to accept that and put things on hold or proceed with divorce. I change my mind every five minutes. I still love him and I don't believe he stopped loving me. But this need a lot more than just love.

[elaine567]

I am sorry but in this letter you sound like his mother and most men especially those in high powered jobs will not take kindly to that no matter how much in the wrong he may feel.

He is not a five year old.

Many marriages falter as the wife turns into his "mother" as opposed to the girl he married, adopting the maternal role here will do you no favours I guess.

 

This is a great letter to send to some stinking pile of cheating cr*p that you never ever want to darken your door never, ever, ever again, but here you then turn it all around and tell him you want to reconcile...

 

I know you are understandably angry, but what do you really want to achieve by this?

YOU can't TELL adults how to behave, scolding often achieves the opposite effect.

[Mrscommited]

I would advise you to send it too, but with a caveat...

 

Give yourself a bit of time, even if it's just a few hours, and then read it again. Ask yourself if this is what you want hm to know.

 

If it still feels right to you, then send it.I am not going to pretend there won't be any backlash, but you sound hurt and angry, and that needs to be expressed. Keeping it in will not help you or your marriage. It will just fester and poison you.

 

I'm saying you should get really pissed and start hitting him or kicking him in the @ss ( as good as that might might feel:p:laugh:) but that you should prepare your letter then sit down with him, explain why you wrote it and ask him to read it and then discuss it with you. It might actually allow you two to start having some very difficult conversations.

 

Collect your strength. Decide what you feel is best for you, your children and the fmaily as a unit, gather your courage and make it happen.

 

You can do it. Whether you R as I did, or you choose divorce, you will get through it.

 

Thanks very much. I don't plan on sending it soon. It's very much part of a thought process. I was quite happy seeing when the coming months brought and whether he could sustain his "fight" for the marriage. But the lease on his flat means a decision has to be made and I suppose this was my way of saying he can't move home yet but perhaps in the future.

 

It does get bogged down in rage and shaming though.

[Mrscommited]

I am sorry but in this letter you sound like his mother and most men especially those in high powered jobs will not take kindly to that no matter how much in the wrong he may feel.

He is not a five year old.

Many marriages falter as the wife turns into his "mother" as opposed to the girl he married, adopting the maternal role here will do you no favours I guess.

 

This is a great letter to send to some stinking pile of cheating cr*p that you never ever want to darken your door never, ever, ever again, but here you then turn it all around and tell him you want to reconcile...

 

I know you are understandably angry, but what do you really want to achieve by this?

YOU can't TELL adults how to behave, scolding often achieves the opposite effect.

 

Excellent points thanks. I DO feel like the only adult in this set up. But I don't relish the mother role at all. I bitterly resent feeling forced into it. But you've made me question - does my reaction have to be like that? Both of us hate the parent/child dynamic and it's no basis for a good marriage.

[Mrscommited]

I understand your anger. But if you truly want reconciliation, this letter isn't going to help you. IMO I'd reconciliation is on your mind, you only really need the last two paragraphs.

 

The rest of it makes you sound vindictive and hateful. Which you have a right to be and this is something that will need to be worked out in MC, but i don't know. It seems like the purpose of your letter is to shame him and let him know how trashy and low life of a human you see him as now. Which is fine but reconciliation will be tough.

 

 

I haven't read your backstory so sorry if I'm off base. But I'm reconciling now and would never write my h a letter like this

 

I'm sorry for your pain

 

Thanks. These are valuable points. Seems I need to decide what I want and how to go about it rather than machine gunning. As I mentioned above, I was very accommodating the first time. Then there were two false reconciliations and it's just much harder to come back from that.

[Confused48]

Agreed. I am bloody angry.

 

I still love him and I don't believe he stopped loving me. But this need a lot more than just love.

 

You should be angry, for a very long time. And likely will be until you are far away from him in time and space.

 

You love the "him" that you thought he was. He now has shown you his true colors.

 

I'm not saying divorce or not divorce but know who you are dealing with. He is not the guy you thought he was. You should stop trying to get that guy back. He was an illusion that he created.

 

If you stay with him you will likely be angry the rest of your time with him. If you can accept that, it is a valid choice.

[whichwayisup]

Keep writing letters to him but don't send them. It's therapeutic for you.

 

Are you two in marriage counseling again currently?

 

Time will tell if your husband is truly able to commit to you and want to give 100 percent, and work on himself too. He has to understand what's broken inside of him and fix himself. And of course be in COMPLETE NC with the exOW.

[whichwayisup]

You should be angry, for a very long time. And likely will be until you are far away from him in time and space.

 

You love the "him" that you thought he was. He now has shown you his true colors.

 

I'm not saying divorce or not divorce but know who you are dealing with. He is not the guy you thought he was. You should stop trying to get that guy back. He was an illusion that he created.

 

If you stay with him you will likely be angry the rest of your time with him. If you can accept that, it is a valid choice.

 

I agree with this. The man you married is not the man in front of you now. That guy is gone for good. Question is, IS he able to become a better person, better husband, better father, better family man by learning from his awful mistakes and choices? And that new and improved man , is that someone you could learn to trust and grow with in the future? Time will tell....

[Mrscommited]

Believe me, I have known your pain, so I am coming from your side here.

 

She may not be a nice person and may have set her cap for him, but he is an adult and though she may be as you described her, it was he who had a bond with you. He is who broke that bond, not her. He wouldn't see her that way, anyway, and might actually defend her.

 

I did send my XH letters like this because he did not actually hear what I was saying to him. Well, he did not actually read my letters, either, even though I implored him to and then when I questioned him, he said he had read them. BUT, he continued to say the same things, so if he read them, he didn't get it. In retrospect, that should not have surprised me one whit.

 

I will say this - I was NOT trying to reconcile. I was explaining why I wouldn't reconcile with him. He just didn't get it. Never saw the pain he caused me and his son. I hope he has now, really just for his sake and my son's sake, so he can make efforts in the best way, to repair his relationship with our son. I am long gone.

 

I'm sorry you are here. It sucks. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

Thanks. I do berate and belittle him don't I? And I'm afraid I've done a lot of that. But I'm not able to hold it back. And that may have affected his decision to dip back into the affair. He has said repeatedly that he didn't think the marriage was repairable and admitted he wanted both.

Now he wants us to get on the same page and try to reconcile but I'm not ready. And I can see that this letter doesn't really help either way does it?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agreed. I am bloody angry. I was pretty "big" about everything when he first confessed but two false reconciliations have pushed me over my limit. I don't know when the rage will subside but I know it's counter productive to reconciliation. Perhaps I have to accept that and put things on hold or proceed with divorce. I change my mind every five minutes. I still love him and I don't believe he stopped loving me. But this need a lot more than just love.

 

John and i talked about your letter and we both agree...send it to him and if it sends him packing...you have lost nothing...and to be honest...this guy needs to be told what he has caused.

 

I will admit...your situation cause me to trigger a bit...since my AP was a proffessor....a player...a cocky arrogant lying manipulating womanizing theif.

 

Your husband knew exactly what he was doing....and everytime he has "pretended" to show sorrow for what he has done to his family...he has decreased your odds of reconciliation. He can take the blame for that too.

 

Sometimes...it is just right to tell an offender what they have done is unacceptable....he wont like it of course ...I can already see that he blame shifts...

 

but you have the right to tell him...and he obviously did not care if you would be upset by his behavior...so why worry that your letter might hurt his feelings or make him angry. That boat sailed a long time ago.

 

I really am sorry you are in this place...and i really hope you and your children find healing.

[Mrscommited]

It's completely understandable that you're angry, confused & upset...especially if he keeps lying to you.

 

What I'd like personally point out is if you really feel this way & he's damaged the kids for life...then why even speak about reconciliation? What example are you being for your kids then? He's such a crappy dad & H but yet you still want to be with him?

 

Not your fault that this has happened but if you know he's lied so much...well first time shame on him but now you're a willing participant & that you can't on him. If you're allowing him to come back & forth, you have to realize you're now allowing it. You're making yourself an option to your own H. Is that positive for your life?

 

Good luck...maybe some independent counseling would help you more right now than MC.

 

Thanks. You'd think the disk on would be easy wouldn't you? But he was a loving committed husband and father for many years before his midlife crisis.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks. I do berate and belittle him don't I? And I'm afraid I've done a lot of that. But I'm not able to hold it back. And that may have affected his decision to dip back into the affair. He has said repeatedly that he didn't think the marriage was repairable and admitted he wanted both.

Now he wants us to get on the same page and try to reconcile but I'm not ready. And I can see that this letter doesn't really help either way does it?

 

Well it does help on some level because you're being completely honest and letting him know what's on your mind, how you feel and why. I'm for all honesty even though it will hurt him to read.

 

Don't rush into allowing him to move back in. If you're not ready then he doesn't move back in. Right now he's not given you enough to go on that you could truly reconnect. Saying the words is one thing but actually doing it and putting in the hard work is another. From what you've said it doesn't seem like he's a total open book with you.

[Mrscommited]

I actually love your letter...

 

It is hard for me to say whether or not you should send it.. because I don't know your husband or how he might react to it.

 

But I can tell you how I would react... if my husband had sent me this letter I would have groveled on the floor begging for forgiveness.

 

Sometimes I think wayward have told so many lies... especially to themselves... that they truly do t see how ugly they have become.... and I think some betrayed spouses are so afraid of the repercussions if a fallout that they don't tell them just how ugly they have become.

 

This letter can do one of two things... it can snap him back to reality or it can send him packing... and in reality if he goes packing... adios .. what have you really lost?

 

I completely understand why you want reconciliation... because even though you hate who he has become.. you still love him.

 

My husband has always loved me ... even when I was unlovable.

 

I wish I could tell you what to do but I want you to know how much your letter moved me and reminded me of where I have been and how far I have come... it has reminded me how very lucky I am to have a spouse who loves me. Your letter broke my heart... and sometimes that's exactly what we need...

to be reminded of the devastation we have caused to so many

 

 

Thank you very much. To be honest, there's nothing in it that I haven't already said to his face. He cries and expresses remorse often. We had a lovely marriage and have beautiful kids. I still do love him and I know he never stopped loving me. I think it's simply too soon to make any big decisions but talking on here helps. Perhaps the temperature needs to lower so that I can make a good decision.