My husband found out about my affair

[oldshirt]

I have some bad news for you....you will NEVER qualify for wife of the year...becasue what you have done can never be undone. You can improve...you can rebuild...but you cannot undo. You have only been married nine years....by your own admission it has never been a good marriage....there have always been issues...compounded by adulerty on and off for the past three years. By not confessing... you continued to live a lie...and once again you cannot undo what you have done.

 

I recommend these things to most everyone and i hope you are listening.

 

See a lawyer....find out all of your rights...becasue you have less than a 50/50 chance of reconciliation...so be prepared that your husband will file for divorce.

 

See a therapist....which you are doing...however....you are not and have not even been honest with yout therapist. A therapist cannot help people who are not at least honest with them. So you hneed to resolve yourself that from now on...you will tell the truth....the complete and honest truth....not only to your therapist...but to yourself. Stop lying. Stop pretending. Face the ugly truth about yourself and what you have done.

 

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. READ it into the depths of your soul....read it and be completely honest with yourself.

 

Become completely transparent to your husband. Provide for him all of your passwords to every account you have....give him a written timeline of the past three years. Someone here suggested having him read your threads...great idea. Let him see who you have been....

 

Give him time...when he wants to talk to you...he will. He needs time and space to sort out all of the emotions and lies and deceptions that he has been dealt the past three years.

 

This is HUGE....you did not confess...which also cuts your chances of reconciliation....but not only did you not confess....you have continued to deceive him. You have convinced him to seek therapy to heal a marriage....and the basic foundation of this marriage continues to be based on lies. You have lived a complete lie...as a wife...as a mopther....as a woman

 

You are minimizing the severity of what you have done....you dont even realize what you have done...and until you come to this realizatiion...you can not begin to understand remorse.

 

You continue to be selfish...more concerned about yourself than you are him

 

the odds of reconciliation are not in your favor by any stretch of the imagination....and you have a very long road ahead of you.

 

If your husband is smart...he will proceed with a divorce...becasue honestly...i am not sure this relationship is worth the work it will take to try and save it. There may be way too much damage.

 

 

Agree 100%

 

I don't understand why people are encouraging her to sooth him and try to reconcile this.

 

This was never working for either of them.

 

It's like urging CPR and full rescusitative efforts on a corpse.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agree 100%

 

I don't understand why people are encouraging her to sooth him and try to reconcile this.

 

This was never working for either of them.

 

It's like urging CPR and full rescusitative efforts on a corpse.

 

As a woman who has been working the past 33 years on reconciliation after a one time sexual encounter who confessed ....

 

I dont see much hope here...you cannot breathe life back into a dead relationship...you can revive reestablish reconcile a marriage that still has life in it...but when you have a 9 year marriage...and a third of that time was spent in an affair....i just cant see the point.

 

If i were her husband...I would run straight to the lawyer. How can he help but dwell on that fact that she kept on lying?

[road]

And this is what I have been saying. I have not once stated that she should file or begin actual divorce proceedings herself.

 

A consultation can only be viewed as another act of aggression piled

on top of the WW's previous act of betrayal. There is no need to consult

with an attorney at this time for the WW.

[Angelita]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

[Cephalopod]

Agree 100%

 

I don't understand why people are encouraging her to sooth him and try to reconcile this.

 

This was never working for either of them.

 

It's like urging CPR and full rescusitative efforts on a corpse.

 

I don't see where anyone has tried in excess to get her to do such. Most of us have told her to leave him alone and give him space.

 

What I have seen is you painting this guy as some sort of abusive bully.

[aileD]

Agree 100%

 

I don't understand why people are encouraging her to sooth him and try to reconcile this.

 

This was never working for either of them.

 

It's like urging CPR and full rescusitative efforts on a corpse.

 

But it was for a bit....it was looking up, it's not dead yet. There is always hope.

 

We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

Edited April 16, 2017 by aileD

[Spring23]

I don't see where anyone has tried in excess to get her to do such. Most of us have told her to leave him alone and give him space.

 

What I have seen is you painting this guy as some sort of abusive bully.

 

Exactly. The prognosis of this marriage is bad. He might not divorce her now but in three years that's probably where this is going.

 

If there is any hope she will need to leave him alone, be a good person, and spend time in therapy.

 

If she realizes that this marriage can't be helped and divorce is the answer then see a lawyer. If it's over then seeking legal counsel is wise.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

 

This is the point of view from a woman who cheated for three years and continued to lie.

It was really good for the BOTH of you? no It was really good for you becasue he was being blindsided the whole time.

 

Seeing a lawyer helps to prepare yourself legally....it means that you know your rights and you can play fair should he decide to divorce you.

 

No one here recommends kicking this man when he is down...no one here advocates taking advantage of him. A truly remorseful woman...would be fair....she might even just simply walk away with nothing....

[Marc878]

We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

 

This is the point of view from a woman who cheated for three years and continued to lie.

It was really good for the BOTH of you? no It was really good for you becasue he was being blindsided the whole time.

 

Seeing a lawyer helps to prepare yourself legally....it means that you know your rights and you can play fair should he decide to divorce you.

 

No one here recommends kicking this man when he is down...no one here advocates taking advantage of him. A truly remorseful woman...would be fair....she might even just simply walk away with nothing....

 

You are delusional if you think this would not be taken as another knife in the back at this time from a BS.

[NTV]

Does the ic help?

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are delusional if you think this would not be taken as another knife in the back at this time from a BS.

 

she already stuck the knife in...three years ago....and she may have killed this marriage...she needs to know her legal rights.

 

He is not here asking for advice...she is and because i think this marriage is most likely going to end...she needs to prepare herself for that. She needs to know what her legal rights are....she needs to continue therapy to try to figure out how she let this happen and fix the issues she has....

 

If her husband were here asking for advice...it would be exactly the same thing i have told her. As the betrayed ...he too needs to find out his legal rights...he too needs to go to therapy to help him sort things out.

 

I am not suggesting that she find out how to screw him over...not at all

[Marc878]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

I think a few are out of touch with what the OP's objectives are at this time

[Spring23]

I think a few are out of touch with what the OP's objectives are at this time

 

IDK maybe the posters are concerned that the husband is so angry that he's going to financially ruin her life as retribution. (Which...he might.)

 

But if she does want to try and work it out with him then seeing a lawyer is very stupid.

 

This must be the worlds worst Easter for this family.

[merrmeade]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

This defensive, strident post says it better than anyone else's to me and makes it clear why he might be fed up. She pleads guilty to only this much. Who even imagines the absurdity of exclaiming, "I wasn’t in any way sleeping with someone else for 3 whole years." What's the response for that? Ohh! Well, why didn't you say so? That changes everything! State's case rests.

[DKT3]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

Listen, I tried to tell you all of this long ago....

 

I think what many are seeing is a WW who isn't authentic with her efforts, one who is just NOW looking to do the right thing because you've been caught. I've personally seen nothing in your words that conflict with those thoughts.

Edited April 16, 2017 by DKT3

[deadsoul]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

I don't think any of us have the right to tell you your relationship is a lost cause and don't think it will work out. We don't know you or him other than your post on this board. Did you say you started IC? That's your first step... I just don't think MC is appropriate for you right now, unless your H feels he is ready. You will have to let him take the lead on what he wants to do, but you have to tell him that you are willing to do what it takes to try to build something better, and mean it. Your relationship may work out, it may not. I wouldn't compare it to anyone else on the board. It's all down to you two. I'm rooting for you OP. I hope your H can get through this. It will be a rough and rocky road, trust me, I'm on it. You just can't give up. I'm not giving up on my fight either. I'll give you the advice that was given to me: take the information you can use on this board, discard the rest. Some of the things you can use might be painful to read so make sure you look hard at each comment before discarding it and deciding it isn't for you. Remember people are coming from different places and many project their own experiences onto you... sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. You know the saying: opinions are like *********s... everyone has one.

[drifter777]

As you are experiencing, this sight is NOT for WS's or BS's who want to hear fairy tales. We can be especially tough when a WW goes into the standard practice of minimizing her cheating. You are trying to split hairs regarding the timeline. The fact you were not actually in bed having sex with OM isn't a break of some kind. And why do you think that a "break" somehow mitigates your cheating & lying?

 

You have gotten good advice here. He found out and immediately left you. Will he come back? The longer he stays away the less likely that is. If he comes home you need to humble yourself and let him vent. No minimizing, no "yeah but", no excuses at all. Any advice beyond this is premature. When that first confrontation occurs let us know how it went and folks will chime in with more advice.

 

Those that are advising that you meet with a lawyer have your best interests at heart. He left you & the next time you hear from him could be a divorce summons. They are simply telling you to face reality.

[HereNorThere]

I think posters are assuming the worst because they're working with an incomplete data set. OP, have you gained any insight into what he knows and how he knows it? How he found out makes a world of difference when you're trying to accurately predict how he is going to react. Also, I would be worried that he doesn't know the full truth but can't let you know that because it would reveal his sources. Is there a possibility you left this forum open on a device? Do you suspect you were ratted out? There's also an equally possible scenario where he thinks it's worse or still currently going on.

 

Forgive me if you've already posted the answers to my question. I did a quick run through of the posts and couldn't find them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think posters are assuming the worst because they're working with an incomplete data set. OP, have you gained any insight into what he knows and how he knows it? How he found out makes a world of difference when you're trying to accurately predict how he is going to react. Also, I would be worried that he doesn't know the full truth but can't let you know that because it would reveal his sources. Is there a possibility you left this forum open on a device? Do you suspect you were ratted out? There's also an equally possible scenario where he thinks it's worse or still currently going on.

 

Forgive me if you've already posted the answers to my question. I did a quick run through of the posts and couldn't find them.

 

This poster is assuming the worst becasue i have lived through 33 years of reconciliation...and i know how difficult it has been and the odds are stacked against you in the BEST of circumstances.

 

How he found out is irrelevant....the main point here is ...she did not tell him...and has been continueing to live with the lie for the past year. To him....everything she has said and done is a lie...even though they have been "working" on things....even that is a lie. This is huge. He can't believe anything at this point...even himself.

 

I am not saying it is impossible for him to forgive her....but the odds are not good.

[road]

she already stuck the knife in...three years ago....and she may have killed this marriage...she needs to know her legal rights.

 

He is not here asking for advice...she is and because i think this marriage is most likely going to end...she needs to prepare herself for that. She needs to know what her legal rights are....she needs to continue therapy to try to figure out how she let this happen and fix the issues she has....

 

If her husband were here asking for advice...it would be exactly the same thing i have told her. As the betrayed ...he too needs to find out his legal rights...he too needs to go to therapy to help him sort things out.

 

I am not suggesting that she find out how to screw him over...not at all

 

She has plenty of time to lawyer up. So to do so now will lead the BH

to think that the WW is looking to screw him over. This BH can not

trust anything that his WW does now will be only to most likely screw

him over.

 

If the WW's purpose is to save her marriage further actions that appear

or can be interpreted as hostile must be avoided.

 

A lawyer is not needed to be told do not leave the house, that the BS

or WS can not sell the house on the spouse.

[QuietDan]

I don't think any of us have the right to tell you your relationship is a lost cause and don't think it will work out. We don't know you or him other than your post on this board. Did you say you started IC? That's your first step... I just don't think MC is appropriate for you right now, unless your H feels he is ready. You will have to let him take the lead on what he wants to do, but you have to tell him that you are willing to do what it takes to try to build something better, and mean it. Your relationship may work out, it may not. I wouldn't compare it to anyone else on the board. It's all down to you two. I'm rooting for you OP. I hope your H can get through this. It will be a rough and rocky road, trust me, I'm on it. You just can't give up. I'm not giving up on my fight either. I'll give you the advice that was given to me: take the information you can use on this board, discard the rest. Some of the things you can use might be painful to read so make sure you look hard at each comment before discarding it and deciding it isn't for you. Remember people are coming from different places and many project their own experiences onto you... sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. You know the saying: opinions are like *********s... everyone has one.

Hi deadsoul.

I don't know how much of the her two threads you've had a chance to read through.

It is my understanding they have been in MC this last year to fix numerous issues with the marriage and relationship. To some degree, she has been working on her issues and the affair through IC.

However, neither her husband or the marriage counselor were informed about the affair. The marriage counselor was working on the relationship with out knowing that an affair was part of the problems that the marriage relationship was dealing with. The future effectiveness of marriage counselling may/probable has been compromised by all that has transpired.

[QuietDan]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

Angelita,

The divorce topic seems to have turned into and active debate between two different philosophical view points with your marriage problems and issues as the general stage that the two sides are debating over. Some of it may be useful or relevant. Some of it also seems to be somewhat philosophical in nature.

Hope you are doing well.

I think at the moment, you will be living through the consequences of the last few years. I don't know if there is much that you can do other than be what has been suggest that is consistent with best practices for basic fundamental affair reconciliation 101. Many have listed them in numerous ways for you in this post.

I do not know what the future may bring for you two other than a lot of pain and turmoil for you two over the next couple of years.

I think if you are serious about wanting to eventually have a chance at staying or being married to your current husband in the future you should take a long view hope, plan, approach. You may even end up divorced for some interim period of time. Sometimes a healthy marriage can come out of the ashes of a destroyed marriage.

I suggest you might review and follow up with the reply post #50 on this thread by Just a Guy.

Final thought, highlighted something you brought up.

Since every situation is different and people react differently to the different threads, the dynamics are never the same.

The personalities are different...

The history is different... the group reactions are different.

I hope you don't let that trouble you too much, I don't think it will be helpful to you if you get caught up in thinking about the different reaction.

Edited April 16, 2017 by QuietDan

[Mrs. John Adams]

She has plenty of time to lawyer up. So to do so now will lead the BH

to think that the WW is looking to screw him over. This BH can not

trust anything that his WW does now will be only to most likely screw

him over.

 

If the WW's purpose is to save her marriage further actions that appear

or can be interpreted as hostile must be avoided.

 

A lawyer is not needed to be told do not leave the house, that the BS

or WS can not sell the house on the spouse.

 

I did not say lawyer up...I said to find out her rights

 

i would have no clue what my rights would be....like leaving the home....the situation with the kids....or expense responsibilities.

 

The man left....she had no idea if he was coming back....

 

Finding out your rights is very different than sueing a spouse for divorce and taking him to the cleaners.

[DKT3]

Hi deadsoul.

I don't know how much of the her two threads you've had a chance to read through.

It is my understanding they have been in MC this last year to fix numerous issues with the marriage and relationship. To some degree, she has been working on her issues and the affair through IC.

However, neither her husband or the marriage counselor were informed about the affair. The marriage counselor was working on the relationship with out knowing that an affair was part of the problems that the marriage relationship was dealing with. The future effectiveness of marriage counselling may/probable has been compromised by all that has transpired.

 

Not at all, the focus was the issues she had with him. Him now finding out she was the issue (with the affair) is like a double betrayal, cheating while the marriage is falling apart ( or caused the marriage to fall apart) and then blaming it on his issues. Not cool. I suspect her efforts are disingenuous, maybe she can get to genuine but it's not there know, all this is so far is scrabbling to regain control.

[QuietDan]

Not at all, the focus was the issues she had with him. Him now finding out she was the issue (with the affair) is like a double betrayal, cheating while the marriage is falling apart ( or caused the marriage to fall apart) and then blaming it on his issues. Not cool. I suspect her efforts are disingenuous, maybe she can get to genuine but it's not there know, all this is so far is scrabbling to regain control.

 

I fear, she has become very accustom with trying to be maintain control.

Unfortunately in many ways, she has been the one in the drivers seat up until now for this ride.

Once the car starts to spin around in circles when traveling down an icy mountain road, there isn't much that can be done to control the situation.

She had 3 years to put a seat belt on and warn her husband to put his seat belt on.

Unfortunately, she waited till the car left the road and hit the mountain side.

Her husband just went through the windshield, she will get a great view to see the rest of the carnage now.