My husband found out about my affair

[Marc878]

Is your H still gone?

[Mr. Lucky]

We’ve both worked through those issues and we were at a great place until this happened, him finding out.

 

I don't know why WS have such a hard time understanding this. Perhaps you were happy but he was married to someone who'd been cheating on him for 2+ years. As you're finding out now, not a "great place" to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr Blunt]

Angelita, your husband is in shock and outraged because what he believed about you has been shattered. Listed below are a few of the things that he believed about you and has him devastated.

 

 

1 That you can always trust your spouse to never stab you in the back.

 

2 That your spouse will always have your best interest at heart.

 

3 That your spouse has very strong integrity and strong beliefs that they will hold on to no matter what

 

 

 

 

I tell you this because you said

 

By Angelita

“I don’t know what to do or how to handle this.”

 

 

 

 

You now know what to work on in hopes that your husband will get some of 3 listed above back in better shape. In addition, you need to get all the help that you can from as many good sources as possible then DO IT!

 

 

 

 

Prepare yourself for a very rough year as you have committed betrayal and that is the giant killer of relationships. Pray for your healing and for your husband’s gift of forgiveness. If your husband divorces you then you need to keep getting help from family, friends, professional help, your spiritual faith, etc.

[Marc878]

If the marriage is to be saved it's 2-5 years with no guarantees at the end. With the wayward carrying the heavier load.

 

Are you prepared?

[drifter777]

You come to an Infidelity forum - filled with betrayed spouses - and post about the problems caused because your husband found out about your cheating? Are you looking to punish yourself? You might find more help on a "I got busted cheating on my husband" forum.

[QuietDan]

... and he had no idea for over 3 years because I have always been good. I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. Please, if you have any words of wisdom, I will appreciate it and please don't say you told me so. I know I'm the person that created this mess.

 

"Good"??? Really?

You need to figure out a way to recalibrate your thinking a bit.

I recommend you find another way to say whatever you are trying to say.

Not too sure what you mean by "always been good", or how that relates to the last 3 years. Just how long has your marriage been? It might be helpful to understand your situation a bit. Has this been 3 years of a 4, 5, 10,... year marriage?

 

So, out of the last 3 years of your marriage, the first two years you were stealing from the marriage relationship and committing fraud. You quite stealing from the marriage relationship 1 year ago, but, you continued to perpetuating the fraud.

 

The counselors know who there customers is. The individual counselor is an obvious call that he might not have been too keen at pushing to hard on any of your land mine issues. Did you arrange for and initiate the marriage counseling? If so, there is also a good chance that the marriage counselor might have been inclined to be a bit more sympathetic with your narratives regarding the marriage issues. There is a good chance that they might not have called you on issues you probable should have been called on. Or, pushed you to hard to get you through areas that you were significantly resistant or stubborn about.

[Angelita]

Is your H still gone?

 

 

Yeah, he's still hasn't come home but he should be ok given the situation he's in. He's told our daughter that he's on a business trip and he would be home Tuesday or Wednesday. I still don't know where he is although. I've tried to reach out to him but as of now he's blocked me on everything. I kind of want to call him using my daughters cell but I'm scared if I do what might happen. As now that's my only line of communication to him.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Angelita

[Angelita]

If the marriage is to be saved it's 2-5 years with no guarantees at the end. With the wayward carrying the heavier load.

 

Are you prepared?

 

At first I would've said no, but this past year has shown me that we do have something special that's worth fighting for. I'm willing to do anything people

[BenchCoach]

I suggest you read back through your previous threads, and ask yourself what you really want. You didn't seem to have a problem keeping this to yourself, up until the point where you got caught.

 

I hope your husband does the decent thing and inform this OM's wife, as she deserves to know what kind of a man she's really married to.

[QuietDan]

I honestly believed he would never find out so I never planned for it. During IC we never went into detail about the affair. We forced more on the underlining issues of why I chose to have an affair in the first place. MC has helped greatly with the previous issue in our marriage we both worked through the issue we had. The both of us expressed the problems we had with each other. My husband felt I was a little too controlling, especially when it came to our daughter. I worked through this in both IC and MC. Most of the issues we had started when we had our daughter. I felt I was losing control of everything around and the more I felt that way the more I tried to control them. I tried to control almost everything at home, I tried to control every aspect of our home lives. Whether it was homework, having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch or dinner that needed to be made with a specific type product, let’s say he brought the wrong thing I would flip out. He obviously didn’t like the way I was acting so he started working more hours and spending less time with me. He tried to avoid me as much as possible. Which lead to the problems in our marriage. We’ve both worked through those issues and we were at a great place until this happened, him finding out.

 

So, the majority of the marriage you have been a fairly difficult, controlling, demanding, harsh, unforgiving spouse. Throw in a long term affair which created a whole new set of issues and problems. Then after a few months of intensive counseling, your relationship with your husband starts to improve.

About 6 or 8 months now?

Out of how many years?

Since, you have been a bit easier to get along with for the last half of this year, you are hoping that your husband will be able to find it in his heart to be the forgiving loving spouse that will extend grace to you that you that you want in order to keep this marriage alive.

However, over the vast majority of the relationship, you have never really been able to demonstrate the ability to extend grace and be forgiving to him.

Do I have a proper understanding of this situation?

Did I summarize this situation correctly?

You have one thing that is really going to work for you in this situation.

This sounds like a relationship built on Co-Dependency.

With every thing you have described, I strongly suspect he is the classic nice guy. Probable too nice for what you want or need.

You have been riding him hard and he has been putting up with it.

Very... Beta...

Seeking avoidance... as a coping mechanism... very passive aggressive...

There is a good chance, the odds are very much in your favor here you will be able to manipulate him into staying in this relationship once he calms down a bit and the fear of change hits him.

The way you describe your husband, he is the type of man that will endure a tremendous amount of intellectual and emotional abuse from you.

I suspect the counsellor had to work a bit to get your husband to open up about issues and problems in the relationship. Even with that, I suspect he has with held and white washed a lot of the issues for you.

Rug sweeping during counselling and recovery might end up seriously slowing down and hampering just how effectively you two will be able to rebuild a new relationship that will be significantly better than this last one between you two.

 

However, there is always the chance that this was truly the final straw and the real "Deal Breaker" for him.

[Marc878]

Yeah, he's still hasn't come home but he should be ok given the situation he's in. He's told our daughter that he's on a business trip and he would be home Tuesday or Wednesday. I still don't know where he is although. I've tried to reach out to him but as of now he's blocked me on everything. I kind of want to call him using my daughters cell but I'm scared if I do what might happen. As now that's my only line of communication to him.

 

He wants space. Give it to him.

[Marc878]

Yeah, he's still hasn't come home but he should be ok given the situation he's in. He's told our daughter that he's on a business trip and he would be home Tuesday or Wednesday. I still don't know where he is although. I've tried to reach out to him but as of now he's blocked me on everything. I kind of want to call him using my daughters cell but I'm scared if I do what might happen. As now that's my only line of communication to him.

 

He probably told her that as an excuse for her not to worry. Sounds like he just needed to get away.

[usa1ah]

I used to post somewhat regularly a year ago. The reason I started posting was because I was having an affair with a married man. That affair has end, I haven't had any contact with the OM since. I decided not to tell my husband. But now I am in desperate need of some advice. We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

 

 

Everything seemed fine until Wednesday, somehow my husband found out about the affair. I don't know how he was able to find out. At first he was sad and now that saddens seems to have turned into anger understandably so. Since he found out he's barely spoken to me and when he does it's mostly him calling me names.To make it worse, he left Friday in the morning and hasn't come home yet. I think he's ok because he has talked to our daughter. I on the other hand, I'm completely lost, I knew something like could happen. I never thought it would feel like this. I've tried to reach out to him, but he's ghosted me. He hasn't answered any of my calls, text or anything.

 

 

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I can understand that he’s probably shocked, angry and sad because he's realized how much of a despicable thing I am, and he had no idea for over 3 years because I have always been good. I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. Please, if you have any words of wisdom, I will appreciate it and please don't say you told me so. I know I'm the person that created this mess.

 

Let me guess, they told you to be honest with him and you decided not to.

 

Now you get to reap the reward of being a cheater.

[Birdies]

You come to an Infidelity forum - filled with betrayed spouses - and post about the problems caused because your husband found out about your cheating? Are you looking to punish yourself? You might find more help on a "I got busted cheating on my husband" forum.

 

The official descriptíon of this forum (see at the top of the page) is

" In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here. "

 

If BS have an issue reading about this issue, they certainly could know to stay away from the very specific title or from the content therein.

[usa1ah]

I don't see how you can fix this after what you have done. It is one thing to come clean in your own.

 

Sorry but I hope he finds someone else that will treat him better then you.

 

I also hope you find someone that you can be faithful with.

[sandylee1]

Don't contact him on your daughter's phone. BSs hate that. He's blocked you, because he doesn't want to hear from you at the moment.

 

He needs to gather his thoughts and decide whether he will choose reconciliation or divorce. Which may be dependent on what he knows about the affair. Whether he's seen text messages, emails...conversations between the two of you etc If you spoke negatively about him, that is something else to think about for him.

[SydCar]

Well it seems like you now have your chance to come clean with him about everything. I doubt that he knows the full truth or the full extent of what happened. You should fill in every missing detail with him as it is your only chance to walk away from this with some dignity.

 

The marriage might be toast or it might not. However, trickle truthing or hiding things from him will surely put the final nails in the coffin.

[Spring23]

Yeah, he's still hasn't come home but he should be ok given the situation he's in. He's told our daughter that he's on a business trip and he would be home Tuesday or Wednesday. I still don't know where he is although. I've tried to reach out to him but as of now he's blocked me on everything. I kind of want to call him using my daughters cell but I'm scared if I do what might happen. As now that's my only line of communication to him.

 

You need to leave him alone. Seriously. You were the one who messed up and he just found out and now he needs his space. Give it to him. That is the fair thing to do. I don't know how "in love" you and your husband are or ever were. Be prepared for the worst which is divorce. You need to concentrate on your plan B which is now being single again. If you start annoying him you might chase him away. I'm sorry you were sad enough in your marriage to have an affair but these are the potential consequences.

[aileD]

I know everyone wants to vilify you. You had an affair and you lied by omission.

 

But you both have done a lot of work in MC and figured some things out. I think you need to give him his space but still letting him know you love him . Maybe write him a letter.

 

I hope that you are able to talk when he returns home and figure things out

[Simoo]

I don't want to say how much this sounds screwed up but it is, you were bossing ur husband around blaming him for ur marriage problems and when he went along trying to fixing what he thought was his fault he discovers his wife had a 2 year long affair, personally I wouldn't get over that but if hd does would u be prepared to answer any questions he ask ? or keep up with the emotional roller coaster?

[Mr. Lucky]

I know everyone wants to vilify you. You had an affair and you lied by omission.

 

Boy aileD, that seems like a whitewash. Given all the planning, deception, misleading, orchestrating, misdirecting and blameshifting involved in a 2+ year affair, there's a lot more lying than just by omission.

 

Part of the OP's current problem is a failure to understand the full scope of what's occurred...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Try]

Yes, MC did involve me expressing my unhappiness with way our marriage was heading. I’m scared you might be right, he might feel like I’ve manipulated into fixing problems that I created. Maybe he would be right about.

That fact that you acknowledge to yourself that "Maybe he would be right about" that he was "manipulated into fixing problems that I created", is a good first step. Now you must tell that to him and mean it. If your marriage is to have any chance to be saved, you need to be committed to 100% no lying to him. No thinking before you talk to manipulate the wording, just the truth, and let the chips fall were they may. Long term the biggest issue will not be the sex of the affair, but the lying associated with the affair.

 

If you had told him of the affair on your own, he would have had reason to think that if she told me of the affair when she did not have to, it is less likely that she is lying about what happened. That being said, you must focus on earning his trust back. Do whatever it takes. Accept the consequences of telling him the truth. It is only through trust that he may give you the opportunity of another chance. There is an old Irish saying that "when mistrust comes in, love goes out".

[Ouch77]

Well, you have basically just shown your husband that you have the ability to look him in the eye and lie to him without remorse. That your entire marriage has been a lie. I know. A little over 3 years ago I found out about my wife doing the same. Even though finding out was brutal, her behavior immediately following was even worse. I split, she hung with the guy for a month and begged me back. I did come back as we had a good relationship up to about a year before her crap started. If he does communicate, which he has zero obligation to, be honest. You at least owe him that. Not times, places, what you did or the kind of sex you were having. Be honest about why you want him back and what it is that makes you two special. And what the heck you were thinking doing something like that, as you are claiming you love him so much. He needs to know that. Please understand you humiliated him and told him he was inadequate by your actions. You told him he meant less to you and his value as a human being was nothing. Right now words from you are meaningless. Actions count. I would suggest if given the opportunity and he gives you a chance, you act as amorous to him daily and not let him forget you find him an Alpha Male. You have to understand you not only stabbed him in the back, you stabbed him in the heart and didn't even care enough about him to let him know he was in a fight. If you think it goes back to normal any time soon, forget that. The most important thing is are you serious about wanting a life with him. Or do you just want him back like before because that's not gonna happen. Nor can you pretend that nothing has happened and just act like you two are OK. Obviously you didn't think he was that great or value his love if you were sleeping with another guy. I came back and there have been good moments. It's sad I will never trust her again. Not to cheat, but to be as vulnerable and loving as I was. She's so centered on being forgiven for given me that's gonna be a magic tonic. We can forgive. But we can't forget that you basically took a piss on our hearts and our worth in your life. The dreams of a special and unique bond are gone. You did that. Can you live and be happy and nurturing to someone you felt so little about that you thought it was OK for you to humiliate? As for him? You killed him. He will have PTSD, doubt himself, never again will he just sit and dream regardless if you two reconcile or he walks. I'm not sure if I would take her back if given the chance again. People who cheat pretty much feel the world revolves around themselves and are very selfish. Those traits are more noticeable now. My wife, though its obvious she loves me, is not nearly as amorous towards me as she once was. For sex I usually have to initiate. Just make sure you are serious about wanting him back and prepared to let him know daily for a long time or don't bother. Because if you're not you'll end up crushing him again. No one deserves that.

[aileD]

Boy aileD, that seems like a whitewash. Given all the planning, deception, misleading, orchestrating, misdirecting and blameshifting involved in a 2+ year affair, there's a lot more lying than just by omission.

 

Part of the OP's current problem is a failure to understand the full scope of what's occurred...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's not a whitewash. It's a "didn't have time to write everything".

[Just a Guy]

Hi Angelita, so I went back and read through your past threads to get a handle on your current situation. I'm sorry to say this but I think a lot of water has flowed under the bridge in your case and it may just be too late to save anything if, assuming there was anything very much left to save, your husband even considers it. You had a chance at the end of 2014 or early 2015 to confess your infidelity to your husband. At that point there was more than a fair chance that things could be turned around and that your husband would give you another chance and try to retrieve the marriage. At the present moment it would take a miracle, in my opinion for him to even look at you without an element of disgust and dislike creeping into his gaze.

 

The matter seems to be compounded by the fact that he found out on his own and that till the time of discovery the fact that he was living a lie is going to rankle in his brain. One of the most prophetic posts I read on your first thread ' Lost and Hurt' was by LovinDKT3. It was her first post on your thread. She predicted exactly what is happening with you now. If you go back and read that post you will see what I am talking about. It is all the more pertinent and poignant because she was also a WW and after her husband divorced her, she moved Heaven and Earth to prove to him how much she loved him so that, some years later he remarried her. Maybe it will do you a world of good to go back and read their story. It may inspire you to do the right things to win your husband back because that is what you have to do now if you ever want a chance with him. My own opinion is that it is too late and would amount to "Locking the stable door after the horse has bolted". Sorry for being pessimistic but sometimes one only realises the value of what one had only after losing it. Wish you the best going forward.