My husband found out about my affair

[aileD]

I haven’t talked to him yet but he is home. He came home sometime last night but I didn’t hear him come in. I think he slept on the couch. He’s here now but he’s ignoring. I don’t want to push the way since he’s hanging out with our daughter maybe when she goes to sleep we might be able to talk.

 

 

I have MC appointment for this Tuesday. I sent email with date and time, he hasn’t responded yet so I don’t if he’s going to go. I’m hoping he’s willing come with me I think I could really help decided what way to go. My MC did say she was going to reach out to him, I don’t know if she has.

 

I'm glad he's home. My only advice from the recent class I took on communication would be that when he does talk to you, just listen. Acknowlege his feelings, and focus on that. He may say things that are hurtful or untrue but it's not the time to debate. You can state your feelings about wanting the marriage to work, and that you love him, etc whatever you feel... but just listen. He'll need thet.

 

Prayers

[DKT3]

I haven’t talked to him yet but he is home. He came home sometime last night but I didn’t hear him come in. I think he slept on the couch. He’s here now but he’s ignoring. I don’t want to push the way since he’s hanging out with our daughter maybe when she goes to sleep we might be able to talk.

 

 

I have MC appointment for this Tuesday. I sent email with date and time, he hasn’t responded yet so I don’t if he’s going to go. I’m hoping he’s willing come with me I think I could really help decided what way to go. My MC did say she was going to reach out to him, I don’t know if she has.

 

I don't think mc will help him right now unless she is really skilled. Will likely only make him more angry.

[aileD]

I don't think mc will help him right now unless she is really skilled. Will likely only make him more angry.

 

It might be a safe place for him to express his feelings

[DKT3]

It might be a safe place for him to express his feelings

 

Mostly, in the early stages they want to gain some background knowledge of the marriage. If she starts giving her account and it's is geared towards why she cheated it will be counter productive. It's always best for a BS to do some IC before MC. Besides, if he isn't leaning towards staying he will be closed off and only wasting money

[aileD]

Mostly, in the early stages they want to gain some background knowledge of the marriage. If she starts giving her account and it's is geared towards why she cheated it will be counter productive. It's always best for a BS to do some IC before MC. Besides, if he isn't leaning towards staying he will be closed off and only wasting money

 

they've been going to MC for quite some time already. Neither H or MC knew about the affair. It's now out in the open, so MC could help facilitate discussion from DDay.

[Cephalopod]

All a lawyer is going to do is go for her BH's jugular, whether she wants him to or not.

 

The BH has not threatened her or abused her or assaulted her in any way. He seems like a decent man who has just had an atom bomb dropped in his lap. I don't understand all the animosity some of you have towards him.

[MuddyFootprints]

She goes for a consult and the lawyer goes for his jugular? Without her consent?

 

You have one ****ed up legal system.

[Cephalopod]

She goes for a consult and the lawyer goes for his jugular? Without her consent?

 

You have one ****ed up legal system.

 

My exWW promised to bow out gracefully and give me a fair and equitable mediated divorce.

 

Instead, her mom talked talked her into hiring a lawyer, and he in turn persuaded her to let him try to take me for every penny...and take full custody of our daughter. It was a brutal, drawn out, mean, horrible divorce...all because she wouldn't go the route of a quiet mediation.

 

WWs promise to be nice...until the rubber meets the road and they realize they are about to go from a comfortable house to a studio apartment.

[Overtaxed]

My exWW promised to bow out gracefully and give me a fair and equitable mediated divorce.

 

Instead, her mom talked talked her into hiring a lawyer, and he in turn persuaded her to let him try to take me for every penny...and take full custody of our daughter. It was a brutal, drawn out, mean, horrible divorce...all because she wouldn't go the route of a quiet mediation.

 

WWs promise to be nice...until the rubber meets the road and they realize they are about to go from a comfortable house to a studio apartment.

 

I'm just going to say, the "fine" concept probably wouldn't have helped in my case. My WW stands to lose a lot of money if I walk away, I have a very tight pre-nup, and she knows that there's no chance I'll waver from that if I we do D. She knows it's going to be the end of the huge house, the luxury car, and the "we don't worry about money" aspect of her life.

 

She still did it. And fully expected a D to be the result.

[Darren Steez]

lol why not let them sit down and chat first before hiring the legal eagles eh?

[oldshirt]

It might be a safe place for him to express his feelings

 

He has expressed his feelings. He was livid, called her every name in the book, disappeared for a week and is not speaking to her now.

 

That is expressing his feelings.

 

What more is MC going to get him to say? That he is angry that she carried on a double life with another man while lying to him and counselors pretending to be working on their marriage?

 

Let's keep in mind what MC can and cannot do. Yes, MC can help open up channels of communication for two decent people who are both committed to working to make things better. And it can help establish some ground rules for how to speak to each other without making the other angrier or hurting each others feelings such as no name calling, no belittling, no gaslighting etc etc

 

But what MC does not do is it does not turn a bad person into a good one. It does not erase or ease the hurt and betrayal of prior someone's actions. It does not turn someone who is selfish and entitled into someone who is thoughtful and generous and caring of others.

 

Sometimes MC will end up hurting the BS even more because MC will often try to blame some of the WS's actions onto the BS by trying to decipher what the BS could have done differently to keep the WS out of other people's beds.

 

I can express her husband's feelings for him here - he is honked off, bitter, resentful, emasculated, humiliated, disrespected, sad, disappointed, incredulous, frustrated and probably a good bit of despair.

 

There, I saved them several hundred dollars by expressing his feelings for him.

[road]

All a lawyer is going to do is go for her BH's jugular, whether she wants him to or not.

 

The BH has not threatened her or abused her or assaulted her in any way. He seems like a decent man who has just had an atom bomb dropped in his lap. I don't understand all the animosity some of you have towards him.

 

She goes for a consult and the lawyer goes for his jugular? Without her consent?

 

You have one ****ed up legal system.

 

This is what a lawyer will do:

she will be advised to fully protect her self legally.

She does not need legal protection at this point and her going to

see a lawyer at this point is only going to push her BH to divorce

instead of recovery.

[road]

He has expressed his feelings. He was livid, called her every name in the book, disappeared for a week and is not speaking to her now.

 

That is expressing his feelings.

 

What more is MC going to get him to say? That he is angry that she carried on a double life with another man while lying to him and counselors pretending to be working on their marriage?

 

Let's keep in mind what MC can and cannot do. Yes, MC can help open up channels of communication for two decent people who are both committed to working to make things better. And it can help establish some ground rules for how to speak to each other without making the other angrier or hurting each others feelings such as no name calling, no belittling, no gaslighting etc etc

 

But what MC does not do is it does not turn a bad person into a good one. It does not erase or ease the hurt and betrayal of prior someone's actions. It does not turn someone who is selfish and entitled into someone who is thoughtful and generous and caring of others.

 

Sometimes MC will end up hurting the BS even more because MC will often try to blame some of the WS's actions onto the BS by trying to decipher what the BS could have done differently to keep the WS out of other people's beds.

 

I can express her husband's feelings for him here - he is honked off, bitter, resentful, emasculated, humiliated, disrespected, sad, disappointed, incredulous, frustrated and probably a good bit of despair.

 

There, I saved them several hundred dollars by expressing his feelings for him.

 

Pointless for the OP and all of us know how the BH feels.

[elaine567]

Sometimes MC will end up hurting the BS even more because MC will often try to blame some of the WS's actions onto the BS by trying to decipher what the BS could have done differently to keep the WS out of other people's beds.

 

That seems to be a common way to resolve things.

The BS comes to terms with how much they were really to blame and so "forgives" the cheater, as the cheater was just "lost" and didn't mean to hurt anyone or ruin anything. The BS just needs to step up to the plate...

 

The BS then shoulders the main part of the blame for making the marriage so terrible that the cheater needed to cheat, and everything is then hunky dory and the marriage survives...

The BS lives with the sword of Damocles hanging over them as they are, it seems, ultimately responsible for keeping the cheater in line...

[wmacbride]

At first I would've said no, but this past year has shown me that we do have something special that's worth fighting for. I'm willing to do anything people

 

 

The problem is that for you,you have had that time,and the A can seem much further in the past.

 

Your bs just found out, so the pain is fresh and raw for him.

 

If you can communicate with him, ask him what he needs from you right now.

 

Please look after yourself,as your daughter needs you to be there for her.

[Spring23]

She goes for a consult and the lawyer goes for his jugular? Without her consent?

 

You have one ****ed up legal system.

 

Look, if she goes for a consult she'll look even more deceptive and manipulative. Red flags will fly. He'll tell his family and friends what she's done and they'll advise him to kick this (you know what) out of his life and make sure she gets nothing.

[aliveagain]

You are both under the same roof, that is a plus. You already know that he was away on a work related trip if I understood one of your earlier posts. My suggestion to you is to give him his space, apologize for the hurt you have caused him every chance you get, own your sh*t and follow his lead. Prepare the timeline of your affair and seal it in a large brown envelope and have it ready to give him. If the marriage is what you want be willing to take his anger, do not challenge him or attempt to blame shift, just be honest if that's not asking for too much. It really is in your best interest at this time to follow his lead.

[Spring23]

It's funny how red hot passion seems to take a back seat once the realization of survival emerges.

[HereNorThere]

Right now your husband is like a severe burn victim just pulled out of the fire. Even the slightest breeze, touch or movement is painful. Before you can do skin grafts, surgery or any kind of treatment, he needs to be stabilized and properly medicated with copious amounts of morphine.

 

I wouldn't blame you for doing a quick consultation, phone call or some research on your rights in a divorce as they relate to housing, kids, etc but paperwork or anything suggesting a divorce is a bad move if you want to reconcile.

 

Marriage counseling is equally a bad idea at this time. He won't appreciate the thousand triggers and bombs laid upon him during the session but more importantly, it's going to look like you are once again trying to control him for your own benefit.

 

Leave that man alone. Set him free and if he comes back, you know the rest of the saying. Your days of playing puppet master and manipulating him and your marriage are OVER. You need to accept that you've lost control of the situation and now you are at his mercy. Anything less just shows you haven't really grown or learned anything about what caused this in the first place.

Edited April 15, 2017 by HereNorThere

[oldshirt]

 

I wouldn't blame you for doing a quick consultation, phone call or some research on your rights in a divorce as they relate to housing, kids, etc but paperwork or anything suggesting a divorce is a bad move if you want to reconcile.

 

And this is what I have been saying. I have not once stated that she should file or begin actual divorce proceedings herself.

[oldshirt]

 

Marriage counseling is equally a bad idea at this time. He won't appreciate the thousand triggers and bombs laid upon him during the session but more importantly, it's going to look like you are once again trying to control him for your own benefit.

 

Leave that man alone. Set him free and if he comes back, you know the rest of the saying. Your days of playing puppet master and manipulating him and your marriage are OVER. You need to accept that you've lost control of the situation and now you are at his mercy. Anything less just shows you haven't really grown or learned anything about what caused this in the first place.

 

And I agree with the rest of this as well.

 

I do not think MC is a good idea at this point either.

 

The counselor will push for details and time lines of the A and will want her to spill her guts on "why" she cheated. She will invariably blame shift that he wasn't giving her enough attention and didn't nurture and validate her enough and that he was sexy enough or make her jay jay tingle enough blah blah

 

and then the MC will turn to him ask him what he can do better to keep her out of other men's beds and how he can make his junk grow bigger (......... OK OK, the MC won't really ask him how to make his junk bigger, but that is how he will interpret it)

 

The MC is basically going to make him do the "Pick Me! Dance" to one degree or another and he may not be up for that at this time.

 

The ball needs to be in his court to decide if he wants to put in the time and energy and money to sit and listen to what the OM could do with his tongue and listen to the things she did with the OM that she wouldn't do with him, or whether he just wants to call it a day and move on.

 

If he comes back and says he wants to try to reconcile, then some of the shields and deflector shields can be lowered for the time being.

 

But until he comes back with a decision on whether he is still in the game or not, prudence and simple common sense dictates that she prepare herself for anything.

[HereNorThere]

And this is what I have been saying. I have not once stated that she should file or begin actual divorce proceedings herself.

 

I think it's just more of a difference in how you worded it. Mentioning things like "protecting her assets" feels a lot like helping and enabling an adulterer to further rob their spouse. Knowing whether or not he can legally kick her out of the house is a bit different than making sure she has the upperhand.

 

It doesn't matter much anyway. I'm not sure I've ever seen a woman take a fair deal in a divorce. In the end, he'll end forfeiting everything he owns, his parental rights, future earnings, etc. etc. to her regardless. That's just how the legal system works in this country and probably the reason why nearly all divorces are filed by women in the first place.

[oldshirt]

Basically this back and forth is coming down to y'all are counseling her on how to try to get him back and how to not anger or upset him any more.

 

I and a couple others are urging her not to assume he can be gotten back and to take measures to protect her bacon in case he comes back with all barrels blazing.

 

I agree with HereNorThere that the ball is in his court now. He gets to decide whether he is in or out.

 

If her seeking counsel on how to protect her assets is the straw that breaks the camel's back and he decides to divorce her because of that - SO BE IT!!

 

That is his choice and his prerogative.

 

You are all wanting her to play nicey-nice to comfort him and lure him back in so she can manipulate and use smoke and mirrors to twist things in her favor more.

 

But it's not up to her any more. He gets to choose if he is in or out in regards to the marriage.

 

The chances of her seeking counsel tipping the scales and making the determining factor is 1 in a million. But if it does tip the scales and he does choose to throw in the towel due to that - THAT IS HIS CHOICE.

 

All I am saying is that it is in her better interests to start preparing for any potential outcome and that also includes the very real possibility that he will be leaving her and filing for divorce in the near future.

[oldshirt]

I think it's just more of a difference in how you worded it. Mentioning things like "protecting her assets" feels a lot like helping and enabling an adulterer to further rob their spouse.

 

No. That is not what I am saying at all.

 

What I am saying is to seek counsel and find out facts on what her rights and responsibilities are in the very real possibility of him divorcing her are.

 

Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

I know it doesn't seem fair to the many BS's here on this board, but even a WS will have rights and assets that they are entitled to. It is kind of innate that we want to see WS's stripped of everything and left laying naked and prostrate in the street but that is not reality.

 

People here are basically trying to assist her in coaxing him back and softening him up so that he will take her back. ( I think that is actually the bigger injustice to him here but that is another topic )

 

Step one in any potential divorce situation is seek facts and know your legal rights and responsibilities.

 

I would say the same thing to him if he were the one writing in here for advice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We've been married for 9 years. Yes, the Marriage hasn't been great for big chunk of those 9 years. I might not win the award for the greatest wife any time soon but excluding the last 3 years I have always tried to be a good wife and mother I was terrified of messing up so I tried to control everything. I thought if I was able to take care of everything on my own everything would be perfect. I would become the wife and mother I wanted to be. That obviously didn't plan out the way thought it would. The relationship as a whole hasn't been bad, it's been pretty good overall. I think my husband would agree with me. Everything really started to fall apart when we had our daughter. I think we decided to have kids a little early on, we should've waited because neither him or I was ready to raise child yet but that's the past. I'm not trying to blame our daughter for our problems but trying to paint the whole picture.

 

I found it somewhat offensive the way you describe my husband without even knowing him. You barely know anything about him except the few post that I made about him. That's not enough information for you to describe the way you have. You've made seem as if he's incapable of making his own decision. It's completely untrue, not even remotely close to the man he really is.

 

I have some bad news for you....you will NEVER qualify for wife of the year...becasue what you have done can never be undone. You can improve...you can rebuild...but you cannot undo. You have only been married nine years....by your own admission it has never been a good marriage....there have always been issues...compounded by adulerty on and off for the past three years. By not confessing... you continued to live a lie...and once again you cannot undo what you have done.

 

I recommend these things to most everyone and i hope you are listening.

 

See a lawyer....find out all of your rights...becasue you have less than a 50/50 chance of reconciliation...so be prepared that your husband will file for divorce.

 

See a therapist....which you are doing...however....you are not and have not even been honest with yout therapist. A therapist cannot help people who are not at least honest with them. So you hneed to resolve yourself that from now on...you will tell the truth....the complete and honest truth....not only to your therapist...but to yourself. Stop lying. Stop pretending. Face the ugly truth about yourself and what you have done.

 

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. READ it into the depths of your soul....read it and be completely honest with yourself.

 

Become completely transparent to your husband. Provide for him all of your passwords to every account you have....give him a written timeline of the past three years. Someone here suggested having him read your threads...great idea. Let him see who you have been....

 

Give him time...when he wants to talk to you...he will. He needs time and space to sort out all of the emotions and lies and deceptions that he has been dealt the past three years.

 

This is HUGE....you did not confess...which also cuts your chances of reconciliation....but not only did you not confess....you have continued to deceive him. You have convinced him to seek therapy to heal a marriage....and the basic foundation of this marriage continues to be based on lies. You have lived a complete lie...as a wife...as a mopther....as a woman

 

You are minimizing the severity of what you have done....you dont even realize what you have done...and until you come to this realizatiion...you can not begin to understand remorse.

 

You continue to be selfish...more concerned about yourself than you are him

 

the odds of reconciliation are not in your favor by any stretch of the imagination....and you have a very long road ahead of you.

 

If your husband is smart...he will proceed with a divorce...becasue honestly...i am not sure this relationship is worth the work it will take to try and save it. There may be way too much damage.