We kissed with ex, now what?

[Blanco]

OP keeps the woman in his life because it gives him something to focus on and avoid dealing with his own issues. If he cut her out, he'd have to face the uncomfortable reality that he's a mess and in need of serious psychological help. But with her around, he gets to endlessly pontificate about HER issues and further perpetuate the notion that someone other than him is responsible for his happiness.

 

That's why these threads go nowhere. Peppered in his naive rants about this woman are cries for help and solutions. But he's not really interested in those. He's said as much. He won't block her, go NC, cut her out. He knows deep down there is no other solution, yet resists because he then loses a major distraction from dealing with his own deeply-rooted issues. He needs to distraction. He needs to attention from others. And thus, these threads just become desperate ploys to gain the engagement of other people, all while never resolving any actual conflicts.

[Protec]

OP keeps the woman in his life because it gives him something to focus on and avoid dealing with his own issues. If he cut her out, he'd have to face the uncomfortable reality that he's a mess and in need of serious psychological help. But with her around, he gets to endlessly pontificate about HER issues and further perpetuate the notion that someone other than him is responsible for his happiness.

 

That's why these threads go nowhere. Peppered in his naive rants about this woman are cries for help and solutions. But he's not really interested in those. He's said as much. He won't block her, go NC, cut her out. He knows deep down there is no other solution, yet resists because he then loses a major distraction from dealing with his own deeply-rooted issues. He needs to distraction. He needs to attention from others. And thus, these threads just become desperate ploys to gain the engagement of other people, all while never resolving any actual conflicts.

 

You are right in a way. Ever since i got her "back", i've been concentrating more on her than on me. I've been slightly happier than before. When i am alone, i can really feel the loneliness eating me away and i have no idea how to deal with that loneliness.

 

I have no idea what helps it. I have tried everything. So far only way i don't feel lonely is talking with my ex.

 

Last weekend i was with my friends, yes, friends. 3 guys and 2 gals plus me. I felt lonely. There i was. Sitting with my friends, having fun...yet still i felt completely alone.

 

It's very annoying.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm starting to feel protective towards this woman. I wish we could hear her side of this story.

[Protec]

I'm starting to feel protective towards this woman. I wish we could hear her side of this story.

 

So you are willing to defend a woman who cheats her new man with me? A woman who is full blown narcissist? She even deletes our whatsapp conversations "just in case" if her man for some reason sees the messages we have sent each other.

 

Just now she called me. We talked 20 minutes.

 

"So i am coming at your place on friday. My man doesn't like it much that i come at your place but...oh well."

 

But sure. Blame me.

[Protec]

Also i wonder why she now wants to spend time so much with me?

 

When we were in relationship, she came to my place 3 times total if i remember correctly. 3 or 4 times. She never wanted to see my music softwares or make music at my place.

 

Now? She has been at my place 3 times in 1 month. And now she is very interested about my music and wants me to show her how to make music.

 

Why now? why not then?

[Zahara]

Also i wonder why she now wants to spend time so much with me?

 

When we were in relationship, she came to my place 3 times total if i remember correctly. 3 or 4 times. She never wanted to see my music softwares or make music at my place.

 

Now? She has been at my place 3 times in 1 month. And now she is very interested about my music and wants me to show her how to make music.

 

Why now? why not then?

 

You mention that she is a narcissist -- if so, they recycle supply. When they get bored of their primary victim, they revert to secondary supply which is you -- in some way it's new and exciting in comparison to the primary which they have become bored of. It is also because you are the only other back-up at the moment that gives her a distraction from the mundane she feels in her relationship.

 

Just as when she was in a relationship with you, she was detached because you as the primary was becoming mundane to her so she set her sights elsewhere - she cheated I believe? This is the same cycle.

 

You want to think that she has some sort of emotional investment in you. The only investment she has is to utilize you. You're an object, that's all. She cannot cultivate any emotional depth in anyone and that is why it's very easy for her to hover from one to the other. The investment is shallow -- there is no ability to attach in a healthy way.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Zahara

[frigginlost]

You mention that she is a narcissist -- if so, they recycle supply. When they get bored of their primary victim, they revert to secondary supply which is you -- in some way it's new and exciting in comparison to the primary which they have become bored of. It is also because you are the only other back-up at the moment that gives her a distraction from the mundane she feels in her relationship.

 

Just as when she was in a relationship with you, she was detached because you as the primary was becoming mundane to her so she set her sights elsewhere - she cheated I believe? This is the same cycle.

 

You want to think that she has some sort of emotional investment in you. The only investment she has is to utilize you. You're an object, that's all. She cannot cultivate any emotional depth in anyone and that is why it's very easy for her to hover from one to the other. The investment is shallow -- there is no ability to attach in a healthy way.

 

It's absolutely amazing to me how this guy can suck attention right off what it should be on (him) and put it right back on her. I'm dumbfounded that folks can't see it.

 

I'm with Yorko. I feel sorry for the woman.

 

Every single response that includes anything in regards to her is doing nothing but allowing a disturbed (sorry) individual to continue to deflect. Why on earth are folks allowing themselves to be manipulated?

[Protec]

It's absolutely amazing to me how this guy can suck attention right off what it should be on (him) and put it right back on her. I'm dumbfounded that folks can't see it.

 

I'm with Yorko. I feel sorry for the woman.

 

Every single response that includes anything in regards to her is doing nothing but allowing a disturbed (sorry) individual to continue to deflect. Why on earth are folks allowing themselves to be manipulated?

 

This is about her as well. I have done nothing wrong. I am simply trying to understand. It seems I don't want to believe I have been dating a narcissist.

 

What zahara wrote is actually what is going on. That same thing happened to me when I was dating her. And my ex did say "the relationship starts to feel boring again"

 

Yes, there is something wrong with me because I cannot detach myself from her. I understand she is toxic, but still I don't stay away.

[PegNosePete]

So you are willing to defend a woman who cheats her new man with me? A woman who is full blown narcissist? She even deletes our whatsapp conversations "just in case" if her man for some reason sees the messages we have sent each other.

 

Just now she called me. We talked 20 minutes.

So you are willing to talk for 20 minutes with a woman who cheats her new man with you, is a full blown narcissist, deletes your whatsapp conversations "just in case" her new man sees the messages you have sent each other?

 

But sure. Blame me.

Well, yeah. You're perpetuating this whole situation but as pointed out above that is the whole point isn't it? You make drama in your life to avoid and distract yourself from your own issues.

[ML Hammer95]

Until the OP comes to his own realisation and wants to improve from within himself, surely all further advice is pointless? Not to be unkind, but things are going round in circles right now.

[Protec]

Until the OP comes to his own realisation and wants to improve from within himself, surely all further advice is pointless? Not to be unkind, but things are going round in circles right now.

 

I had a good session in therapy today. We actually got thinking what could cause it i am so unable to detach from her. It's only her. No one else.

 

I've had longer relationships and more stable relationships and overall, better relationships, but for some reason this woman....for some reason.

 

The feeling she gives me (my ex), is so strong. When i am with her, i get the feeling of oneness. It's like we are one. Complete. And that is the feeling i crave for.

 

I've felt more or less lonely my whole life, i've felt there is no place for me, no one understands me, i am all alone even if i am amongst friends. Then comes this woman who gives me this feeling that i finally belong somewhere. I am finally complete. This person understands me, shares similar passions and dreams...She is like me, but different.

 

That is the feeling when i am with her and no one else has never given me such feeling.

 

Maybe it's just narcissistic mirroring? I don't know, but i am the reason why i feel that way. Fake or not, from her part, i feel it. To me it's real. And i love that feeling and she gives it to me.

 

And i kinda felt bad when i told my therapist that my ex got engaged. She bursted laughing...

 

I feel bad. tomorrow my ex should come at my place and we are going to make music together. I hope it goes well.

 

But i am in a strange pinch now. I want out yet i don't want to leave.

[Protec]

So you are willing to talk for 20 minutes with a woman who cheats her new man with you, is a full blown narcissist, deletes your whatsapp conversations "just in case" her new man sees the messages you have sent each other?

 

Yes. I enjoy talking with her...

 

My therapist asked "how on earth do you handle all this emotionally?"

 

"I don't. That's why i am here."

 

"All this sounds...very...insane. It doesn't make any sense at all. She must be going out of her mind. The cycle is too fast. She gets engaged and next day she sends you messages that she would like to hug you and all. Then again she takes distance from you and the cycle starts all over again. She may need hospitalization"

 

"Yes, she even takes sleeping pills with alcohol and i am wondering what kind of a man allows her to do that."

 

"If you remember...you didn't have weapons to act back then either"

 

"You are right, i was too afraid to act. I wanted to help but calling ambulance on her would have started world war 3"

 

Why i care? I have no idea. I guess somehow i feel it's my duty to help her...

I can't save her. No one can.

[Zahara]

Yes, there is something wrong with me because I cannot detach myself from her. I understand she is toxic, but still I don't stay away.

 

Like an addict you crave for external validation because internally you see nothing about yourself that is of value. You feel whole only when someone pays you attention. When someone, anyone, even someone that treats you horribly pays you a smidgen of attention, you wolf it down like it's your last meal and stay hungry, addicted for more. This is why you always feel empty. Always looking for others to fill you.

 

You have no sense of self. No self-love/self-respect/dignity that empowers you to feel emotionally independent. You are dependent. You are hollow inside. I have a feeling any woman that comes along after this and pays you attention, you will leech onto her because you need to feel validated/needed/wanted -- someone to fill that void.

 

Like a drug addict you seek her to fix you. Bad attention is still attention. She's the supplier. The attention is the drug. It isn't even about her. It's what you get from her.

 

Until you strive to rebuild yourself with 150% focus on yourself, pushing through the pain for a fix and trying to fully detox, and WANTING to fully revamp your life, you'll be scrounging for attention to make you feel better about yourself. It takes courage to do it.

 

It's a choice. Do something different or keep going in circles. The latter has not worked for you. And find a different therapist.

[frigginlost]

It's a choice. Do something different or keep going in circles. The latter has not worked for you. And find a different therapist.

 

Agree 100%. His therapist is worthless. No therapist worth their salt would be even allowing him to focus on her at this point. The OP has major, major issues and a true therapist would have pushed him up the ladder to a physciatrist.

[frigginlost]

This is about her as well. I have done nothing wrong. I am simply trying to understand. It seems I don't want to believe I have been dating a ....

 

Protect this has nothing to do with her. You have done plenty wrong (violence?). Stop deflecting. You don't want to understand, because you get some sick satisfaction being the little boy who cries wolf.

 

You are the only person that can fix your situation. Only you. No therapist is going to be able to help you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Agree 100%. His therapist is worthless. No therapist worth their salt would be even allowing him to focus on her at this point. The OP has major, major issues and a true therapist would have pushed him up the ladder to a physciatrist.

 

I was about to post the same thing.

 

Your therapist is doing it wrong, OP.

[Blanco]

Yup. At this point, the therapist is just another enabler. It is pure madness that this much attention is falling on his ex during HIS sessions.

 

OP should be talking to his therapist about statements such as, "I've felt more or less lonely my whole life, i've felt there is no place for me, no one understands me, i am all alone even if i am amongst friends."

 

THAT is the root of all this. Instead, he wants to focus on someone else, because it both helps shift blame and keeps him from having to do the heavy lifting involved with major SELF-improvement.

 

It's like being an alcoholic and then going to AA meetings and spending all of your time talking about how a certain bar keeps serving you drinks.

 

Nevertheless, none of this will change, because OP has insisted again and again that he's not going NC. He keeps asking what are increasingly seeming like hypothetical questions, since he seems to gloss right over answers to those questions that others here are providing. It seems he would rather ask for answers and then doing the complete opposite of what those answers are.

 

I mean, just look at the number of people who have told him in this thread that cutting the woman out and focusing on himself is going to be part of the answer. And his response? Numerous references to, "Well, we talked last night" or "I'm going to see her tomorrow." OP does not really seem to want answers unless they reinforce this odd belief that staying involved with this woman is somehow the solution to his problems.

[SoulCat]

If this is the same 'therapist' or healthcare professional who wanted to report OP's ex to Social Services solely based on Op's accounts of his ex's behaviour I really do question their ability to be objective. Or indeed, their ability to be a 'therapist' in the first place.

[Protec]

Yup. At this point, the therapist is just another enabler. It is pure madness that this much attention is falling on his ex during HIS sessions.

 

OP should be talking to his therapist about statements such as, "I've felt more or less lonely my whole life, i've felt there is no place for me, no one understands me, i am all alone even if i am amongst friends."

 

 

I have talked about that with my therapist. That is the cause of all this. Today we talked about that. We are getting there.

 

But i can't cut her out of my life. I cannot take it. I haven't cried since i got her "back". But i know. To completely heal i have to let her go sooner or later.

 

6 months apart didn't do it. Not even for her. When i am with her it feels like we are on a date and getting to know each other.

 

Tomorrow she is coming at my place to make music. She was never interested in my music making when i dated her. She never wanted even to come at my place since i just live in a "crummy flat". She even hated this area where i lived.

 

During our relationship she visited me 3 times. Now it's been about a month since we started talking again and this is the 4th time she visits my place...

 

Why now? Why?!

Edited April 13, 2017 by Protec

[Blanco]

In that case, I think it might be time to close this thread. People have given you answers to your questions and you do not like them, so as per the usual with these threads, we are getting nowhere.

 

Best of luck. I hope some day you will have the courage to learn self love and be able to distinguish true love from toxic addiction.

[ML Hammer95]

The path the OP is on, he'll end up seriously hurting himself and/or others. Good luck.

[Zahara]

Why now? Why?!

 

You were given answers to this and yet you ask again. It's like talking to a wall.

 

Zero awareness or any attempt to absorb and reflect on the advice given.

 

It's futile. Just and endless cycle of delusion.

 

Good luck to you.

[NuevoYorko]

I was about to post the same thing.

 

Your therapist is doing it wrong, OP.

Maybe. Maybe she's not doing or saying anything like what we're getting here.

[Protec]

Maybe. Maybe she's not doing or saying anything like what we're getting here.

 

Don't doubt my words. I have no intention of manipulating anything. Everything

she has said or done, she has said or done. Why would i make up things?

 

This is not about her at all. It doesn't matter what she does, it matters how i react to what she does or says.

 

And right now i need ALTERNATIVE solution to NC and not to care about that much what she says or does.

 

I have strong feelings towards that woman, for some reason.

 

You guys are really twisting everything. I am not the bad guy here. I am not the one who calls to my ex and says how nice it would to stare her eyes forever. I was not the one who grabbed her hand at the movies.

 

I have not cheated anyone.

[Blanco]

And right now i need ALTERNATIVE solution to NC and not to care about that much what she says or does.

 

There are no alternatives. You're a grown man in his mid-30s, so please stop being so oblivious to this fact. To think otherwise is to be naive.

 

I have strong feelings towards that woman, for some reason.

 

You already know why. You are empty inside and so desperate for attention, good or bad, that you are willing to engage with this person.

 

You guys are really twisting everything.

 

No one is twisting anything. People are responding to what you're telling us. You just don't like the answers, mostly because the people contributing here are dealing in facts and reality, whereas you are carrying on like a 14-year-old who doesn't have the mental and emotional facilities to handle anything like this.

 

I am not the bad guy here.

 

No one has said you are. Based on your posts, you've got some major mental and emotional issues, but those do not inherently make you a bad person. So please, drop the victim mentality. Speaking of that...

 

I am not the one who calls to my ex and says how nice it would to stare her eyes forever. I was not the one who grabbed her hand at the movies.

 

Dude, who cares? Stop being so disgustingly passive about your own life. You've been doing this nonsense for more than a year with this woman. Somehow, it's never quite your fault. You let life just happen to you and you use that passiveness to justify staying engaged with this woman. And HEY, speaking of engaged...

 

I have not cheated anyone.

 

No, but you are an accessory to cheating, and to many, that makes you no better than the cheater.

 

You consistently remind us how bad this woman is, but then you completely contradict yourself by talking to her more than you probably talk to your friends and family. You know, the people who actually give a crap about you.

 

You are unreal.