We kissed with ex, now what?

[Protec]

I'm going back to saying you haven't progressed at all. Be honest with yourself bro. You don't want to be friends with her, you want the perfect version of her. The one you initially fell for. The idea of who she is, and guess what? That isn't her. I can't blame you, I'm in the same boat. I'd like to reconcile with my ex, but only the one I fell for. Not the one that treated me like I was garbage and was a huge taker. Unfortunately that is difficult to get over.

 

But she's pulling you on her strings because she loves the attention. Not you. She loves that she can have all her gaps filled by two men that "are in love with her". She's an attention *whoops*, like a lot of narcissistic people are.

 

 

Cut contact, damage her ego. Do yourself a favor. Clench your first, then punch yourself where your balls use to be. If it hurts, then you know you can still become that man you once were again.

 

Yeah it sucks, but the more you be a cub she's going to want that alpha male. Be that alpha male. Say (not to her) "Screw you, I'm a beast. I'm going to live my life and control myself". And go do it. Every single time you contact her you are only making your situation worse.

 

It's VERY tough going no contact. VERY. But it gets easier and easier each passing day. That is why most fail. I see it all the time on these forums.

 

You must do NC until SHE reaches out to YOU.

 

Just avoid breadcrumbs, which is what she's been giving you. Every time you munch on breadcrumbs you are going to want more, and the more you do so, the less full loaf she has to give if reconciliation is a possibility.

 

Want to know my honest opinion about this chick? She's going to break up with a lot of dudes. If you say she's a narcissist, then she's a taker. And takers think they are owed the world and can do whatever they want without realizing reality. You're better off without her.

 

Actually, she has been the one to meet me. It was her idea to have a movie night at my place, yesterday it was her who asked me to join her for breakfast... She was the one who called me couple nights ago...

 

SHe has been the more active one this time.

 

I was 6 months without talking to her...i admit i once a while tried to contact her and all i got was messages to leave her alone. But then for some reason she got all friendly with me again.

 

I don't think she has any master plans, but i can tell she is trying to push my buttons again.

[Altair0770]

Then tell her enough is enough, and she needs to decide between you and her boytoy.

 

 

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine.

 

He had a girlfriend in high school. Last 2 weeks. Took him over a year to get over her. She came back around and he had a new girlfriend. Dropped her for the ex, and they got back together. Got engaged and moved to Canada together.

 

After that, he ended up breaking up with her after 2+ years together.

 

She begged, pleaded, and was devastated for a long time. However, he kept playing similar games to what she is playing with you. They had sex constantly despite breaking up. He then found a new girl, and even cheated on her while still having sex with his ex. He felt guilty or something and went for the girl he asked out.

 

This girl is held up on you, but as long as you're within arms reach she will keep you at a certain distance ALWAYS.

 

As I said earlier, she's using you to fill the gaps of her new boyfriend.

 

Your best bet is to have a serious talk with her - tell her that you cannot continue this anymore. She needs to decide between you or him. If she picks you, congrats. If not, then you need to disappear again otherwise you'll be stuck in this same spot for eternity until you grow a pair. Stop being plan B when you deserve to be plan A.

[ExpatInItaly]

No progress has been made, OP. Come on.

 

You can read all the articles you want about her supposed mental issues, but that's a waste of time. She isn't the real problem here.

[Blanco]

I highly suggest the guy above me go back and read older threads about this relationship. This is another issue I have with these threads continuing: New people join in to try to help without the proper context. Because anyone familiar with the OP's relationship (all of which is painstakingly documented in the older threads) wouldn't dream of suggesting that the OP entertain even a friendship with this woman.

 

OP, I've said it a thousand times to you before: You stake who you are, your value, your happiness almost entirely on women. You will never find a quality partner as long as you continue to carry yourself like life is pointless without a girlfriend.

 

That's all I'm going to say in this thread.

[Protec]

I highly suggest the guy above me go back and read older threads about this relationship. This is another issue I have with these threads continuing: New people join in to try to help without the proper context. Because anyone familiar with the OP's relationship (all of which is painstakingly documented in the older threads) wouldn't dream of suggesting that the OP entertain even a friendship with this woman.

 

OP, I've said it a thousand times to you before: You stake who you are, your value, your happiness almost entirely on women. You will never find a quality partner as long as you continue to carry yourself like life is pointless without a girlfriend.

 

That's all I'm going to say in this thread.

 

I am getting there. Slowly. I just came from my therapist and talked about this. And my therapist is saying my ex is definitely a narcissist. From everything i have described to her.

 

"It seems she is playing games with you. First being intimate and then pulling back". That's what my therapist said. And yes. That is what she is doing.

 

And as the guy above said, she is filling the gaps of her new man with me.

I have something her new man doesn't have and vice versa. Someone will get badly hurt in this.

 

I need to take some distance. This has to stop. I do like spending time with her, i would love to do all kinds of things with her, but i cannot.

 

I am seriously trying my best. I have made a little progress during these months, believe it or not. I have become more brave. I still have a long way ahead of me.

 

I can't lie to myself. I do have feelings towards my ex and no matter how much i try to be just her friend...i don't think it's ever possible to be truly in a platonic relationship with her.

 

I feel i am closer to the final answer than before. Maybe soon i am finally able to let go.

[Protec]

Thats it.

 

She sent me a picture of some large bill she has to pay back to government.

 

And after that "Thank god i have someone at home who makes me smi'in

That's it.

 

That is f-ing it.

 

I sent her a message "be happy with your new man. It's time for me to continue on my own path. I will always love you. I wanted to be your friend but i remember too much. I remember the way you touched me, your scent, how amazing the sex felt, your humor, your laugh and character. I can't forget those. I tried hard to be your friend, but i cannot."

 

Dramatic as ****. But pretty much that is how i feel. I remember too much about her. I can never be in platonic relationship with her.

 

Sure, it could have been better to just vanish like she did on me. But she can be happy with her new man now. F- that. I deseve better.

 

I don't need a friend who constantly reminds me i am single and lonely. She really knew how to push my buttons after all. I don't hate her.

I just deseve better for myself. I need to enjoy when i am with someone.

 

I want her too much. I want to touch her, hug her. Do things with her. I cannot do that stuff since she is in relationship.

 

Maybe this was her final attempt to break me down. I am not broken down, i am just simply tired of her BS. She knows it bothers me when she mentions her man. So that's what she does all the time.

 

I deserve better.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Protec

[frigginlost]

"The only way a wound will heal is if you stop touching it"

 

"The little boy who cried Wolf"

 

Which one do you want to be? Those are your only options.

 

Best of luck.

[Protec]

"The only way a wound will heal is if you stop touching it"

 

"The little boy who cried Wolf"

 

Which one do you want to be? Those are your only options.

 

Best of luck.

 

Of course the first one.

 

But i am dealing with a A-Class narcissist here. Maybe even a sociopath. I mean she is straight out of a textbook. I talked with my therapist today and yes, practially everything my ex does or does not do is some sort of mind play.

 

 

I feel very sorry for her new man. He is on his way to doom.

 

I got text from my ex. "I even got flowers, he cleaned the apartment, got me gifts etc. and i still just feel burned out in all this".

 

She got him allright. That is exactly what i did. I got her flowers. I cleaned her apartment. I helped her. I got her gifts. Trying to make her happy, trying to make her like me.

 

She got him. I wish i could warn that guy, but i think he would not believe me.

 

She even tried "blameshifting" on me. "I can't trust you. You don't know what you are doing. I will not let anything ruin the new relationship". WTF. She was the one who started hugging me and pushed me against the wall and everything.

 

Now i see what i was dealing with. I was blind. I didn't see it. I was so busy trying to keep her happy and trying to keep myself sane i didn't see what she was doing to me.

 

It's all clear now. She is toxic. She will never get better. I wish i could help her but i cannot. I wish i could make some sense into her but it's impossible.

 

Thank you once again.I feel somehow relieved. Finally i am starting to see things.

[Altair0770]

Good to hear! Don't cave in. Totally understand what you mean about wanting to warn the new guy. I doubt my ex has even told her new interest that she has PTSD and the chances of their relationship succeeding is less than 1%.

 

But hey, more power to me I guess. Ignore her messages as best as you can or they will get to you.

[whichwayisup]

I understand. I deserved that warning.

 

But i have a problem.

 

1) I want to be with her, i want her to stay in my life

2) Because i want her to stay in my life, i cause suffering to myself

3) If i block and remove her, i suffer even more and most likely want to talk with her at some point

 

How the hell i cut the "cord".

 

I really, really enjoy being with her. She is seriously something else. And in a good way. We talk about things, watch movies together, i want to do things together (dance lessons, making music at my place etc).

 

We really do get along nicely.

 

I don't want to lose a person like that.

 

What is it that you actually 'love' about her? Do a pro/con list and be honest with yourself.

 

You cut the cord by telling yourself you deserve better and don't need that drama and game playing in your life. She's toxic for you but until you reach your rock bottom, see that she's very unhealthy for you, you'll pine for her for a long time.

[Protec]

What is it that you actually 'love' about her? Do a pro/con list and be honest with yourself.

 

You cut the cord by telling yourself you deserve better and don't need that drama and game playing in your life. She's toxic for you but until you reach your rock bottom, see that she's very unhealthy for you, you'll pine for her for a long time.

 

i don't know if it's just mirroring what she does, but she does have very many good qualities in her. But i could be just mirroring...my therapist was pretty sure she is a narcissist and everything she has done has just been mirroring.

 

She feels like my soulmate. It's like a perfect match...almost too good to be true?

 

She likes similar music, similar movies, we have similar humor, we get along very nicely and can talk about everything. She likes science fiction and space (stars etc) just like me. She is interested in egypt, believe in supernatural things (bit like me). She has great imagination and creative mind. She is amazing in bed, she is cute, has nice voice and cute laugh. She is beautiful.

 

She feels like with her i can do anything. She is open to new things.

 

Those are the positive qualities in her.

 

Then the negatives....

 

-She does blame for things you have not done, suspects you

-She does blameshifting. She does something wrong but still blames you for it

-She has push-pull behaviur (just like now, 2 weeks ago she couldn't keep her hands off me, now she blames me for ruining her relationship because of too much closeness between us)

-She puts you down a lot. "you are immature" "how can it be a man of your age cannot even build a house?"

-She cannot be trusted. She cheated me in relationship, she cheated her new man by kissing me. And blamed me of course.

 

And some other things

 

It's textbook narcissism. She has no morals. She doesn't feel sorry for anyone. She can act yes, but she doesn't really mean it.

 

Maybe if i just keep my distance on her... Truth is, i do like spending time with her and talking when she is "nice".

[NuevoYorko]

Why are you back to diagnosing this woman? She is the same person you were involved with before. You're choosing her, so I think it's wrong for you to be putting blame on her for just being who she is.

 

Whatever you're getting out of this, you're going to a lot of trouble to get. It's going to take you to a bad place again. You're like an alcoholic who thinks he can drink now and then and "can't" put it down. You can. You simply don't want to; you prefer this situation.

[goldway90]

You already have your answer " she's manipulative, narcissist..." there's no need to waste your time anymore. It's time to block her and move on, it won't end well for you if this whole thing keep dragging on and on.

[Protec]

Why are you back to diagnosing this woman? She is the same person you were involved with before. You're choosing her, so I think it's wrong for you to be putting blame on her for just being who she is.

 

Whatever you're getting out of this, you're going to a lot of trouble to get. It's going to take you to a bad place again. You're like an alcoholic who thinks he can drink now and then and "can't" put it down. You can. You simply don't want to; you prefer this situation.

 

No i am not blaming her for this. After all it's me who wants to be in this.

I just have hard time believing she has some condition like that, but it definitely does seem she has.

 

I am just confused. I just need to learn now not to care about what she does or says. She has a new man, it does not concern me in any way.

 

And i need to try to be the best version of myself, all the time. I need to live the life I WANT to live. No matter what she, or anyone says, i need to be brave enough to live the life I WANT.

 

If she says i have too many routines, so what? This is MY LIFE. I will jog the same route every day if i want to, i will go to gym same day/time if i want to.

 

My life, my rules. That why i am not happy. I try to live like others do. I constantly think my way of living is wrong because i don't go to parties every weekend etc. and don't do stuff others do. I have no idea why i think that way.

 

That's where happiness comes from. Living my own life. The life i want to live. Not the life others want me to live. This is my story, i am the writer.

 

I am so motivational (again). I hope i could just keep this state of mind.

I have so many ideas and dreams but i lack the tools to get started. Maybe i just need to start even without those tools and see what i can come up with?

 

I am just not happy bymyself. That is the core issue. I am missing something.

It's like a hole inside me that needs to be filled. It's a horrible feeling. i've tried to find out for years what could fill it. NEw computer, new games, new hobbies, new job, new car....nothing. Nothing fills it. But when i am with her, i feel complete. I feel at ease. I feel like i am at home. It's a wonderful feeling. My mind is finally relaxed, i feel calm and warm.

 

It's like i get a dose from a drug of some sort....and that is not good.

 

I wasn't always like this you know. Something happened during the relationship to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

You will never learn to not care what she says or does as long as you insist on remaining in her life.

 

I know you and your therapist believe she is a narcissist, and you're probably not completely wrong about that. But what is your therapist's diagnosis of you?

 

That is where you should be spending much more energy.

[Protec]

You will never learn to not care what she says or does as long as you insist on remaining in her life.

 

I know you and your therapist believe she is a narcissist, and you're probably not completely wrong about that. But what is your therapist's diagnosis of you?

 

That is where you should be spending much more energy.

 

There is nothing wrong with me according to my therapist. Sure, i have cyclothymia (diagnosed by psychiatrist), but other than that, she says i am completely normal human being. At least i trust that my therapist would say if i need to see "shrink". But so far, i am just confused about me ex's behaviour.

 

Is it wrong wanting to stay friends with someone you think is important to you?

 

Why she is important to me? I listed the positive qualities in her post above. She does have some good qualities in her, and i do like spending time.

 

I understand i will not be in a relationship with her, probably never again.

[NuevoYorko]

Is it wrong wanting to stay friends with someone you think is important to you?

 

Why she is important to me? I listed the positive qualities in her post above. She does have some good qualities in her, and i do like spending time.

 

Dozens of people on this thread and your other epic work are now referring to this young woman as "a narcissist," "manipulative" and other denigrating terms. Why? Because you have described her as a horrible, disgusting waste of humanity. What kind of a friend talks about their friends like that, especially for 1028 pages?

 

To answer your question: No. Healthy people do not have "friendships" with others for whom they have no respect or regard.

 

If this woman is indeed your friend, stop trashing her and interfering with her life when she is clearly moving on. Also, stop hitting and stalking her. Those aren't the behaviors of a friend.

[VeveCakes]

There is nothing wrong with me according to my therapist. Sure, i have cyclothymia (diagnosed by psychiatrist), but other than that, she says i am completely normal human being. At least i trust that my therapist would say if i need to see "shrink". But so far, i am just confused about me ex's behaviour.

 

Is it wrong wanting to stay friends with someone you think is important to you?

 

Why she is important to me? I listed the positive qualities in her post above. She does have some good qualities in her, and i do like spending time.

 

I understand i will not be in a relationship with her, probably never again.

 

Yes it's wrong when the person is so completely toxic it consumes your life to the point you think you can't go on without them.

 

You need to examine why you feel this person is a positive figure in your life. She isn't. You know this!

[ExpatInItaly]

]There is nothing wrong with me according to my therapist.[/b] Sure' date=' i have cyclothymia (diagnosed by psychiatrist), but other than that,[b'] she says i am completely normal human being[/b]. At least i trust that my therapist would say if i need to see "shrink". But so far, i am just confused about me ex's behaviour.

 

Is it wrong wanting to stay friends with someone you think is important to you?

 

Why she is important to me? I listed the positive qualities in her post above. She does have some good qualities in her, and i do like spending time.

 

I understand i will not be in a relationship with her, probably never again.

 

Your therapist thinks it's completely normal to lash out violently at an ex-girlfriend? If so, you need a different therapist. Honestly. Don't waste your money on someone who isn't able to be honest and frank with you. It won't help you whatsoever.

 

And yes, in this case, it's very wrong to want to stay friends with a toxic person. This isn't friendship.

Edited April 3, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Protec]

Your therapist thinks it's completely normal to lash out violently at an ex-girlfriend? If so, you need a different therapist. Honestly. Don't waste your money on someone who isn't able to be honest and frank with you. It won't help you whatsoever.

 

And yes, in this case, it's very wrong to want to stay friends with a toxic person. This isn't friendship.

 

Of course it's not ok to lash out violently!

 

I am just wondering why she came back to me now. I mean usually she has discarded me the very moment she has found a new target. But for some reason, even last night she texted me and said she misses talking to me.

 

I must have something her current man cannot provide. That is the only reason i can come up with.

 

I mean last summer she dumped me suddenly after cheating me. Then she left me suddenly again alone after she found another guy. Then she suddnely vanished again after that police thingy...

 

But now she is back even though she has a new man. I like that she is back, i really do.

 

And yes, she is toxic. But i do like talking with her, what i am worried about is that if this is making it for me to move forward.

 

I read online that some narcs come back to keep "eye" on you and make it harder to move on. I did mention to my ex that i have dated few womans...

[Protec]

Yes it's wrong when the person is so completely toxic it consumes your life to the point you think you can't go on without them.

 

You need to examine why you feel this person is a positive figure in your life. She isn't. You know this!

 

You are right in one way. But if i honestly respond to question "did i enjoy watching movie with her at my place?" Yes i did. Even without the kiss i did enjoy spending time with her.

 

But, i wonder why she came back..usually women don't come back to men who have been violent towards them. I am glad ofcourse she has "forgiven".

 

But sometimes when i was with her it was like she is pushing my buttons on purpose to see if i snap again :/

[NuevoYorko]

Yes it's wrong when the person is so completely toxic it consumes your life to the point you think you can't go on without them.

 

I am not on board that the problem here is the supposed toxicity of the woman. She might be from the Devil himself, or not, it makes no difference. This is all about the OP himself. 100%. Talking about the woman, whether it's himself or us doing it, is harmful deflection.

 

OP refuses to step away from a SITUATION that he knows is destructive for him. OP has a problem.

[Protec]

I am not on board that the problem here is the supposed toxicity of the woman. She might be from the Devil himself, or not, it makes no difference. This is all about the OP himself. 100%. Talking about the woman, whether it's himself or us doing it, is harmful deflection.

 

OP refuses to step away from a SITUATION that he knows is destructive for him. OP has a problem.

 

I like my ex. I don't like her toxic side at all, but when she is "normal". We really do have nice time together. I have been texting with her now and i feel good. No abuse of any kind. We just talked about a tv-series.

 

She is only one i can talk with. I have no one else in my life. I am more happy now that she is back. at least i don't have think how to get her connection to her again.

 

I don't even try to ditch her anymore. I made up my mind. I will move forward, but i try to keep my ex in my life as well, as a "friend" or something.

 

That's the only way.

 

But the problem is, no woman is interested in me. :/ I would like to meet someone new, wonderful person but no one is interested... I am just so lonely. I feel i will never find anyone again.

 

I am too nerdy for normal women. TOo sporty for nerdy women,. Not sporty enough for sporty women. Too weird for normal women, and too normal for weird women. And weird women are too weird for me.

[Protec]

But i am slowly starting to realize that she never loved me. She simply said what she had to say, to get a desired reaction out of me.

 

I was kinda shocked i found out that narcissist usually say things like "I meant it when i said it". That's exactly, word to word, what my ex said to me when i asked her "but you just told me couple days ago that you love me, and now you want to break up"

 

"I meant it when i said it".

 

They truly live day to day. Today she can be in love with her new man, tomorrow she may find a new guy and so long current guy. She will not even drop a tear...

 

I know when i write these, it looks easily like i hate her a lot. I don't. I am just simply trying to understand. I actually feel sorry for her, she is very kind woman at times and very sweet and cute....everything you have ever wanted....scary right.

 

I don't know if that is mirroring, but what i have read, narcissists usually give you that effect.

 

That's why it felt i always had to be next to her. Because when i wasn't with her, her personality started to change. But when she was around me, it seemed she "sucked" my personality and mirrored me at myself?

 

Is that even possible?! I guess it is.

 

I mean always she felt like my exact copy. But female. She has been the closest person to remind me i have ever met in my life.

 

I know she didn't care about me. How i know?

 

-She says she loves me, wants to break up 2 days after

-She says she loves me, cheats

-She says i am most wonderful man in the world, leaves me suddenly because found new guy

 

Only thing i am wondering, why she keeps contact with me now. When she found the new guy back then, she forgot about me immeaditely. She even said "we can't stay in touch anymore. I have a new man"

 

She has a new man now....why is she staying in touch with me?

 

-Maybe she doesn't have a new man?

-Maybe she is getting bored - needs new supply?

-She tries to triangulate and use me to make her new man jealous, trauma bond him into her?

 

I know she doesn't need me. She didn't need me for 6 months. So i doubt she needs me now...But for some reason she is talking with me now.

 

I wonder...

[Protec]

Todays therapy session really was an eye opener. I am finally starting to get it.

 

And also i decided: Hell, i am gonna be what i am gonna be. I am gonna live my life, the way i live it and be happy about it.

 

But i feel sorry for my ex. Again, last night (i was alreaady sleeping) she had sent me messages that she had taken pills for her anxiety and she wants out from "everyday life" and she is super stressed all the time.

 

She sounds happy right? She has really found the man of her dreams this time. Sorry. I shouldn't laugh but...finally i see it. Finally i see what i went through.

 

But i am trying to keep her as my friend. I feel bad about what she is going through, maybe i shouldn't, i mean she didn't give jack s--t about me when i was in trouble emotionally and almost wanted to end my life.

 

But i finally see it. Todays therapy session really, really helped me to understand things better.

 

I will continue seeing my ex. Not every day, not every week even, but now and then if possibe. I do like spending time with her. But i am moving forward. At least i try. I now know that she is not relationship material, sex buddy maybe, but i cannot imagine myself in relationship with her... Most likely everything has been just mirroring. According to my therapist. But hey, if i get a buddy to go movies with me, why the hell not?

 

I know she would cheat me again, betray me, lie, and do all the stuff she did to me before and she is now doing it all to her new man. That is not something i want to be in relationship with.

 

I do care about her, a lot. But i finally feel somehow different....better somehow.

 

I hope this feeling stays.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Protec