We kissed with ex, now what?

[Altair0770]

Man you are a beta and never gonna attract this woman because she wants an alpha.

 

Chicks love friendzoning betas. Because alphas can't give what betas can give, and betas can't give what alphas give.

 

Enjoy the friendzone. I tried.

[goldway90]

Man you are a beta and never gonna attract this woman because she wants an alpha.

 

Chicks love friendzoning betas. Because alphas can't give what betas can give, and betas can't give what alphas give.

 

Enjoy the friendzone. I tried.

 

I don't think you understand the whole story here (trust me).

[Protec]

Man you are a beta and never gonna attract this woman because she wants an alpha.

 

Chicks love friendzoning betas. Because alphas can't give what betas can give, and betas can't give what alphas give.

 

Enjoy the friendzone. I tried.

 

DOn't try to be alpha, or beta. You know what real women actually like? That you are yourself. You don't have to pretend to be something you are not.

 

I hate this alpha and beta stuff

 

And i was in the movies with her last night. For some reason she was all over me again... Suddenly in the middle of the movies she again grabbed my hand and we had some kind of "hand-sex" Yes it sounds weird but the touching was so sensual...

 

And when she dropped me off at my place we sat in her car for 10-15 minutes. Hugging and she even gave me a kiss on my neck...

 

There was lots of stuff going on too during the night but... I had very fun night with her. We really had fun night.

 

But i still have no idea why she touches me so much and wants my closeness...again the same story "your scent is so nice. Hugging you calms me down. You feel so nice" etc. The very same thing she has done countless times to me.

 

I have no idea why. But i noticed she tried to make me jealous again by bragging with her new man. It didn't affect me in any way as i knew she would try it at some point. It's like she is trying to convince herself more than me...

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Edited April 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Altair0770]

I don't think you understand the whole story here (trust me).

 

So I've been told.

 

 

The whole beta and alpha thing is about being yourself. Being a beta means you are plan B. You aren't yourself, you're the weaker version of yourself. You just showing you need this woman in your life and are okay with being her plan B always. Being an alpha is being the best you can be. You aren't when you're dangling from her fishing line.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm suspicious that your therapist still spends your time talking about all the flaws of this woman you're obsessed with. It looks like need a different therapist; one that will keep the focus on you and only you, and how you deal with your life. I trust that if you decide to work on yourself one day you will do what you need to do. Spinning on and on about another human - just a good way to make sure you stay stuck, bro.

[frigginlost]

So I've been told.

 

 

The whole beta and alpha thing is about being yourself. Being a beta means you are plan B. You aren't yourself, you're the weaker version of yourself. You just showing you need this woman in your life and are okay with being her plan B always. Being an alpha is being the best you can be. You aren't when you're dangling from her fishing line.

 

This has nothing to do with her.

 

The OP is the one with "issues". As mentioned above she could be offspring from the devil himself but it matters not. The OP will not place focus where it needs to be; himself.

 

It is extremely ironic that he questions her every action, yet we are doing the same to him, yet he can't correlate that.

 

Until the OP recognizes that his issues with this woman are his and his alone, the questions to all that reads these boards will remain the same. And nothing will ever change.

[jamili]

I understand. I deserved that warning.

 

But i have a problem.

 

1) I want to be with her, i want her to stay in my life

2) Because i want her to stay in my life, i cause suffering to myself

3) If i block and remove her, i suffer even more and most likely want to talk with her at some point

 

How the hell i cut the "cord".

 

I really, really enjoy being with her. She is seriously something else. And in a good way. We talk about things, watch movies together, i want to do things together (dance lessons, making music at my place etc).

 

We really do get along nicely.

 

I don't want to lose a person like that.

 

Sometimes in life you have to give up something you love and walk away from it, severing the cord. It takes a stronger person to do this.

 

If you are seriously going to keep her as your "friend" and keep this up, then you should accept that she is your friend forever, and start seeing other women and forget about thinking about this one in anything but a platonic, non-sexual way... because that's how she will see you forever.

[Protec]

I'm suspicious that your therapist still spends your time talking about all the flaws of this woman you're obsessed with. It looks like need a different therapist; one that will keep the focus on you and only you, and how you deal with your life. I trust that if you decide to work on yourself one day you will do what you need to do. Spinning on and on about another human - just a good way to make sure you stay stuck, bro.

 

It actually helps me understand her too. The problem i am stuck in her is i am obsessed about knowing why she does what she does. And yes, i have noticed i talk too much about my ex with my therapist. Afterall it should be about me.

 

But i will try to talk less about her in the future sessions. I pretty much know everything about my ex i need to know.

 

I just don't know how to kill my emotions towards her. Fact is, i really like spending time with her. I would love to keep her as a friend, but another fact is that she is confusing me. She says she loves her new man but then hugs me and tells me how good scent i have, how relaxing it is to be with me, and she keeps touching and holding my hand etc.

 

It IS confusing. And even my mind says "don't touch her. just be her friend, nothing more", my body says something else. And that is the problem.

 

I've had females as friends before and i never even wanted to touch them, after all, they are my friends, not my girlfriends. I don't want to kiss my friends. I don't want to fall asleep next to a friend or hold them close to me.

 

Those are romantic feelings for someone i am having a relationship with.

 

This is very bad situation. I know i cannot go NC with her. I just cannot do it.. I tried for six months and failed. Every single day i thought about "how can i contact her? She hates me...how do i get her back into my life?"

 

I was obsessed about getting her back into my life. And for some reason she wanted to come back too. I mean she REALLY REALLY hated my guts. I wish i could show you some of the emails she sent me...those were pure hate.

 

My guess is she is confused too. When i was in the movie with her last thursday. She held my hand, she squeezed my hand hard, sighed and she looked like she was thinking about something. Also those "accidents" of hers.

 

"Oops. I almost forgot we are not dating anymore". It has happened many times now. When she was at my place, she pushed me over on my bed.

At the movies she almost kissed me, and many other times too.

 

You don't forget you are not dating anymore. Not after 6 months at least when you have a new partner.

 

I never thought this would turn into something like this. I knew when i met her and we started dating that breaking up from her would be difficult, but this is completely on another level.

 

It feels like we both don't want to let go.

 

And still i am worried about her. She drinks alot these days. Even more when she was with me. She hates the kids of her new man "Again those god damn brats are coming". That's what she said to me about the kids. That was kinda shocking to hear. She is anxious all the time in the relationship, she is nervous, she complains she doesn't have enough free time and would just like to leave the country.

 

And at the same time she brags to me how her new man is good at everything i wasn't.

 

It is VERY confusing. It's like she hates being in the relatioship, but loves being in it, and at the same time she says how i feel so much nicer and we have better emotional connection...but still she says she loves her new man.

 

My guess, she doesn't love her man. She is simply using him for money etc.

I would never date a woman if i hated her kids. It would never work out. You can't hate your partners kids.

[goldway90]

She's bipolar and i'm pretty sure she's not taking her medication or probably skipping them. You can't make sense out of nonsense, it's time to stop trying to understand her actions.

 

Here's how to kill those emotions towards her : BLOCK HER,CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

[Protec]

She's bipolar and i'm pretty sure she's not taking her medication or probably skipping them. You can't make sense out of nonsense, it's time to stop trying to understand her actions.

 

Here's how to kill those emotions towards her : BLOCK HER,CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

I cannot do it. I tried to block her before, and i tried not to contact her. It didn't work out at all. All it did it make me feel bad and worse about myself. I actually do feel better now since she is back in my life. Kinda. Definitely better than before. I know these updates don't look that good but i haven't even cried after i "got" her back. I am more stable emotionally now.

 

Again she sent me the most awful text i've read in a long time.

 

Last night she had taken alcohol and pills mixed. She told me that no one cares, no one hugs or holds her hand. She is lying in bed feeling ill and sick and her man doesn't care. She told me again in her message how she would like me to hold her and she would like to hug me so if she would feel better...

 

I feel so bad reading such messages. I am really, really worried about her

and i know it's not my duty...but i am honestly worried about her.

 

It seems her new man does not care enough because he lets her drink alcohol and take sleeping pills. That could end up her dying!!! That is very irresponsible behaviour! From my ex, and from her man. If my ex would try to get wasted and take pills, i f-ing promise i would grab the bottle and pour it down the drain.

 

I know it's not anyones problem trying to save her but my god, it seems she cannot get better herself. She lacks support. She needs professional help. She is completely out of control.

 

I have no idea how to help her. She doesn't accept my help, but it is heartbreaking to read such messages.

 

I feel so sorry for her. And i feel sorry for her man and i feel bit sorry for myself too for getting myself into this again.

 

I know it can be another of her mind games again (most likely is, seeks attention because her new man doesn't give it to her enough)

 

How am i supposed to help her? To me it seems she is crying for help. Drinking, taking pills...that is very serious.

 

She needs help....how can i help her?

[frigginlost]

She's bipolar and i'm pretty sure she's not taking her medication or probably skipping them. You can't make sense out of nonsense, it's time to stop trying to understand her actions.

 

Here's how to kill those emotions towards her : BLOCK HER,CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

Folks really need to stop second guessing what *she* is doing or who *she* is as a person. Any guessing or advice is nothing more than a catalyst for the OP to take focus off of the real issue; himself. There are hundreds of posts of people trying to second guess this woman, and the OP does nothing but use that advice to stream more questions.

 

We are dealing, in my opinion, with manipulation. I feel it would benefit the OP more to ignore any questions regarding this woman from him, and only interact with him on his need to focus on himself.

[goldway90]

Folks really need to stop second guessing what *she* is doing or who *she* is as a person. Any guessing or advice is nothing more than a catalyst for the OP to take focus off of the real issue; himself. There are hundreds of posts of people trying to second guess this woman, and the OP does nothing but use that advice to stream more questions.

 

We are dealing, in my opinion, with manipulation. I feel it would benefit the OP more to ignore any questions regarding this woman from him, and only interact with him on his need to focus on himself.

 

I wasn't guessing who "she" is as a person because it was mentioned in his other threads that she suffers from bipolar and what she's doing is actually a classic behavior of an unmedicated bipolar person; this is a fact. Plus the only way for OP to focus on himself is to block her ( he's not going to do it obviously).

 

Don't get me wrong i completely agree with you that problem is the OP himself and his obsession with this woman, there's no way to avoid mentioning her though.

 

I'm off this thread anyways, i don't think i can offer any help. Gl OP

[Protec]

I wasn't guessing who "she" is as a person because it was mentioned in his other threads that she suffers from bipolar and what she's doing is actually a classic behavior of an unmedicated bipolar person; this is a fact. Plus the only way for OP to focus on himself is to block her ( he's not going to do it obviously).

 

Don't get me wrong i completely agree with you that problem is the OP himself and his obsession with this woman, there's no way to avoid mentioning her though.

 

I'm off this thread anyways, i don't think i can offer any help. Gl OP

 

Thanks. Yes, she is bipolar, but what i talked with my therapist she said bipolar should not make person act like a narcissist. Of course that is possible, but my guess is that she has something else with her bipolar. Of course she uses lots of alcohol and sometimes she forgets to take her meds...

 

I am just worried about her, that's all. Why i cannot let go of her? That is another thing completely...

[Protec]

Folks really need to stop second guessing what *she* is doing or who *she* is as a person. Any guessing or advice is nothing more than a catalyst for the OP to take focus off of the real issue; himself. There are hundreds of posts of people trying to second guess this woman, and the OP does nothing but use that advice to stream more questions.

 

We are dealing, in my opinion, with manipulation. I feel it would benefit the OP more to ignore any questions regarding this woman from him, and only interact with him on his need to focus on himself.

 

Yes, manipulation.... i don't know why though. She says she is happy and has this wonderful man (obvious lies), then she says she wants out of it and wants to hug me.

 

So which one is it?

 

When i date a woman, no way on earth i would send messages to other girl "i would like to hug you". No way. I am one woman man.

 

I think that is bit bizarre.

 

But why i cannot let go of her?

 

-I am worried about her. So i would love to keep open connection if she needs help she could call me. Unlikely though.

-I do like spending time with her. Watching Ghost In The Shell with her was a blast. We both love science fiction.

-I find it easy being around her

 

But the thing that messes up my head is: Chemistry

 

She is absolutely gorgeous woman and the chemistry we had...it was so strong between us. That causes problems. I just want to touch her and hug her and feel her...she feels so good and smells nice too.

 

She is not a bad woman, not as i am not a bad man. I want only good for her even though we had rough past together, i truly want her to be happy.

 

But i want to be happy too.

 

A hungry man is watching a woman picking up apples from a tree that she owns and she is complaining to the hungry man how much work it is to pick up all those apples. And once a while that woman gives few apples to the man.

 

The man knows he will get few apples once in a while so he stays. "I feel bad watching her eat all those apples and hate to listen her complaining, but at least i won't die. If i leave now, it may be that i will never get any apples again."

 

That's how i feel.

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, manipulation.... i don't know why though.

 

I got the impression that the poster was referring to the manipulation being done by you. You are manipulating the people who participate in your threads by constantly getting them (us) engaged in talking about a woman who has very little to do with you or your significant issues.

[Protec]

I got the impression that the poster was referring to the manipulation being done by you. You are manipulating the people who participate in your threads by constantly getting them (us) engaged in talking about a woman who has very little to do with you or your significant issues.

 

No i am not manipulating anyone, at least not on purpose. What my therapist said is i am most likely being manipulated by my ex.

 

I have no idea how i am able to cut her off from my life. I know if i go no contact, i will fall into bad depression again...

 

I hate this situation. Why is it so hard for me to let go of her?

[ExpatInItaly]

No i am not manipulating anyone, at least not on purpose. What my therapist said is i am most likely being manipulated by my ex.

 

I have no idea how i am able to cut her off from my life. I know if i go no contact, i will fall into bad depression again...

 

I hate this situation. Why is it so hard for me to let go of her?

 

What does your therapist say?

[NuevoYorko]

No i am not manipulating anyone, at least not on purpose. What my therapist said is i am most likely being manipulated by my ex.

 

What I said is that you are manipulating people here.

 

How about never talking about this woman again here on LS, and only talking about yourself and your own serious issues with getting your life together? You are a grown man.

 

 

I hate this situation. Why is it so hard for me to let go of her?

 

Because you have zero intention of doing so. You're doing what you want. Being in this sick mess is very rewarding to you, and a big part of it is being able to feel superior to the woman. Soon she'll "deserve" having you knock her around again. Hopefully the police won't be so lenient next time.

[Protec]

What I said is that you are manipulating people here.

 

How about never talking about this woman again here on LS, and only talking about yourself and your own serious issues with getting your life together? You are a grown man.

 

 

 

 

Because you have zero intention of doing so. You're doing what you want. Being in this sick mess is very rewarding to you, and a big part of it is being able to feel superior to the woman. Soon she'll "deserve" having you knock her around again. Hopefully the police won't be so lenient next time.

 

No. I am not going to hit anyone again. This is troublesome for me. She is emotionally cheating her new man. Maybe i do get some kind of a kick out of that? Inside me i sometimes think "Wow. She is dating a new man but still she sends something "i would love to escape on a walk with you"".

 

It does make me feel...somehow good but also somehow used. It's 2 parts in me fighting and i don't know really what to do.

 

I know i should cut her out. But i know if i cut her out i will fall into a serious depression again.

 

It is nice to talk with her via text messages even. Last night she even tried to call me but i was busy at the moment.

 

it is nice to have someone to talk with. And yes, i have friends. I was with my friends (3 guys and 2 girls + me) drinking and having a nice night and we went to local pub even. Still somehow i felt lonely at times.

 

Well...gonna go at work now. I need to find a solution into this. Just a way of thinking.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're doing this because it makes you feel powerful. You love knowing she's still coming to you even though she has a boyfriend. That's an easy one.

 

The problem is that it won't last and you'll be back to Square One.

 

What does you therapist say about you participating in such unhealthy and self-destructive behaviour?

[ML Hammer95]

You're doing this because it makes you feel powerful. You love knowing she's still coming to you even though she has a boyfriend. That's an easy one.

 

 

 

This.

 

Even when your brain knows that it's over, or that it's unhealthy, you still get an ego boost when this person contacts you. Knowing that they have been thinking of you or missing you enough to reach out after an extended period of time. That was true for me and I wager for the majority of posters on this site.

 

Doesn't change the fact that you need to focus on YOURSELF. After a breakup it is so tempting to analyse the other person's behaviour and avoid taking responsibility for yourself. While in the short-term this is a coping technique, it ultimately makes it slower to move on. By keeping the focus on yourself, YOU are the one that benefits most. Work on whatever problems you have and forget getting this girl back (or getting another one).

 

Just from reading this thread, I can safely say that this level of dysfunction is not healthy in the long-term for either of you. Sometimes it is better to love from afar and acknowledge you are better apart. It is one of the hardest things to do (believe me) but it will help you grow as a person. Have faith in yourself.

[Protec]

Oh no. This is bad. I just talked an hour in phone with my ex.

 

She's got engaged and even complained about how the romantic evening wasn't so romantic.

 

Things she said in phone with me today

-I could stare you forever

-You are the only person i want to go into movies with

-You see the world same way i do

-There is this strange connection between us

-I really like talking with you

-I have deleted all our conversations because...well, just in case.

-I want to come at your place and make music

-Yeah i would love to go abroad with you if you win that competition

 

OH NO. This is not good.

 

I heard her man say in the background "Is it Protec you're talking to?" "yeah." "Well SORRY for disturbing"

 

and later "Are you STILL on the phone?" "Yes." "Great."

 

I need to do something. This is not good.'

 

Only reason she wants to talk with me is so she can get her "fix". Just like i get my "fix" by talking with her. IT's a reaction when you hear familiar voice you like. You brain starts to develop dopamine so you feel better.

 

Even she admitted she has some emotions towards me but didn't say it out loud. "Some things are best kept secret. You know...if i wanted to do everything i like..."

 

God darnit.

 

They have known each other for 4 months and they are already getting engaged. Talk about fast forward.

 

But. On the positive side. It helped me to detach feelings towards her. I lost her now, forever.

[Protec]

How do i kill my feelings towards her if NC doesn't work? How do i do it?

 

Also i am getting depressed again i can't even find women to go on a date with. I am currently on 3 dating sites and in Tinder and nothing. Meanwhile my ex brags in my face how she is going to do that and this and that with her man and kids. "Oh i would love to do those kinds of things too" I said to her. "Well just get a friend you can do those things with". Yeah. I wish it would be that simple.

 

And again in the middle of the night she had sent me some kind of "love" songs.

 

I give up. I cannot be friends with her. I can never visit her apartment or see her kids, that is not being friends. She deletes the conversations from her whatsapp, that is not how friends are. She sits in movies with me hand in hand, that again is not how friends are.

 

We are not friends. I am her supply and she has now best of both worlds and i have nothing.

[ExpatInItaly]

You haven't really ever gone complete No Contact, so you can't say it doesn't work.

 

Until you do, this won't improve. You want the impossible, which is to keep her in your life and not be in love with her. That is never going to happen.

[Protec]

You haven't really ever gone complete No Contact, so you can't say it doesn't work.

 

Until you do, this won't improve. You want the impossible, which is to keep her in your life and not be in love with her. That is never going to happen.

 

After the police thing, i went NC. It managed to hold for few months without contacting her and it felt awful.

 

But she has brought up the big guns. Constantly bragging again about her new man. Constant. Bragging. I have to find a way. I know NC is out of the question. I need to find some other way.

 

I noticed this morning that i was very tense, even angry. Because the way she treats me and her new man. All the pain she caused to me came back into my mind today and i kinda feel sorry for her new man because he is going to get the treatment too.

 

She hasn't changed a bit. Not one bit. Actually i think she is worse this time. They are engaged now, soon they are married, my ex will force her man to write the...whatever it was called and then they will divorce and my ex will get nice money from the man.

 

i know she doesn't love him. She doesn't love anyone. She hates the kids of her new man! She never loved me, she simply used me but noticed i had nothing to give her. Nothing financially beneficial. That's all she cares about. Money. Materia. Things. Stuff. Fancy cars. Nice hotels etc.

 

You know what she said about the hotel night to me?

 

"Someones idea of a romantic night is a hotel room in this tiny town..." she was putting her man down!!! To me!

 

She is straight from a textbook. It's so easy to see her tricks now. Everything. She does every single thing in the BPD / NPD playbook. I mean every thing.

 

Triangulation, lying, manipulation, mood switching, blame switching, gaslighting...

 

But now it's time to concentrate on me. You are right. It doesnt matter what she does. It matters what i do.

 

And i want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I admit, i do have fun time with her.

 

But i cannot be her emotional help every time she happnens to need me. I am her supply. Nothing more.

 

Last night when i talked on phone with her, she said "I am recharging my energy by talking to you. I don't even need to touch you anymore to feel warm."

 

That is EMOTIONAL CHEATING.

 

Oh wait? She already cheated her man by kissing me and hugging me etc. in movie theater.

 

OH GOD.