Husband wants me to give up my career to be a housewife

[beautifulinside2]

In case you missed it, I said it's not about traditional gender roles, it's about someone other then the parents ( which includes both) raising Thier kids.

 

Bottom line is everything has an opportunity cost, unfortunately it's normally the kids that lose in today's world.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

Of course is an age thing, were he kids 15 & 17 I would say it ridiculous to suggest she stay home. No teenager needs a parent hoovering over them, but at 8 & 4 they do.

 

This really pissed me off. Are you saying people in general should not have kids unless one of the parents are able to stay home and raise them???? Really are you from the 1920's? How long should they stay home exactly and to what age do you deem it's acceptable. This concept is why women get lost in the lives of their husbands and can't figure out how to provide or think for themselves when their husband runs around or run out on them...

[beautifulinside2]

I kind of agree with this. I never understood why people have kids to spend a few hrs a night with them.

 

I don't have kids for this reason, I only would if I could stay home.

 

No wonder you agree, because you don't have kids so it's impossible for you to understand... and I know women who stay at home all day with their kids and it drives them totally insane because kids are not our whole life.

My daughter is my only child and I raised her as a single parent. I spent the entire weekend chauffeuring her around to different states for basketball and all the time after I got off work at 5. She is now a basketball star in college on scholarship at 21 years old. She is an entitled spoiled brat, who expects me to drop everything I do and give her everything I have and she works for NOTHING on her own. What is it exactly that a stay at home mom could provide that a working mom can't and how will the kids benefit any more are they more successful in life, less selfish?? I think not

My friends kids were latch key kids, they did not get nearly the amount of time and attention that I gave my daughter, yet they are very responsible and accountable and successful so I'm not buying it.. sorry I also have a group of SAHM friends and their kids still live with them at 30.

Edited March 21, 2017 by beautifulinside2

[DKT3]

This really pissed me off. Are you saying people in general should not have kids unless one of the parents are able to stay home and raise them???? Really are you from the 1920's? How long should they stay home exactly and to what age do you deem it's acceptable. This concept is why women get lost in the lives of their husbands and can't figure out how to provide or think for themselves when their husband runs around or run out on them...

 

Again I'm talking personal responsibility as a parent, has nothing to do with gender.

 

Isn't it old? Blaming men for decision that don't work out. No one gets lost in thier husband, they choose to take a backseat. My wife started what has become a very successful business while being a SAHM. She took trips throughout Europe, taught Zumba classes, had girls nights. What about that got lost in me? When we divorced she was fine. When our middle child started school she worked full time away from the home. We remarried had another child and once again she is a SAHM. Still teaching Zumba, still traveling, still not lost in me.

[MrInternational]

I'm responding after reading the OP and a few other posts.

 

If you are a director, are your skills business-related? It sounds like your family will now have a family business. Why not work at home for a while until the business starts generating revenue, then assume a role in the family business, part-time, when you can afford a maid?

 

From a financial perspective, the downside of that is that your family income is not 'diversified.' If the business will make so much more money than you can as a director, why divert so much attention away from the household if it is not needed? The family should take precedence over career. Why should we go out and work so hard if not to provide for those we love, first those closest to us who we are responsible for in our family, and secondly for those out there in society? It's good to work hard and build something, but children should be a priority.

 

I'm not saying you can't work and have children as a priority, but your husband may have the idea that now that money will be taken care of, there is no need for sacrificing and providing less than the best in regard to raising the children and family life.

 

My advice is to submit to your husband on this and be there to help him in the transition.

 

If you are concerned about losing what you have built up in your career, IMO, a resume that shows a shift from director to board member, CFO, CEO, president, etc. in a small business isn't necessarily a bad thing. You could talk to your husband about that, take over a part-time, top level role in the small business while you spend more time at home. Then your resume will reflect either a lateral move or a promotion. If anything goes wrong with the business, you won't have a gap on your resume. If you have a skillset that includes 'generic business' skills as opposed to purely specialized skills for your industry, why can't you use these in the family business?

[lucy_in_disguise]

What is yoUr husband's goal here? Is it about the housework, the kids, or his ego?

 

If the business means more money and longer hours, I can understand him wanting to do less at home. Actually, I think its reasonable. That's where paid help comes in. You say it's not in the budget to hire a housekeeper. How is it in the budget to quit your job then? That doesn't add up.

 

If it's allegedly about the kids... Maybe the SAHM debate would be applicable if they were younger, but they're about to start school. I call bs on that one. Also, his higher income does not give him a pass on interacting with his children. An absentee father would be much more harmful than 2 working but involved parents.

 

Don't quit your job. It is not in your best interest, it's not in your kids' best interests, it's not even in your husbands best interest. What if, God forbid, his cancer returns? You say your house was foreclosed on last time... Surely he can appreciate having your income as backup if something terrible were to happen causing him not to be able to work. Don't even engage in this debate. Use the opportunity of his higher paycheck to hire a housekeeper/ nanny to give you both a better quality of life.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

 

Please stop saying this ... it's just crap. I work, my husband works, and together we raise our kids... we are helping with homework, ferrying to sport and parties, teaching values, cuddles before bedtime and up in the middle of the night ... in my country they did a time based study of working mums vs non working mums and found that we spend the same amount of "quality time" with our children... but sacrifice things like sleep and personal grooming to get it (time at the salon etc). Don't tell me someone else is raining my kids because if they were I wouldn't be so exhausted half the time

 

 

And I certainly wont apologise fuse for teaching my kids that they can do whatever they want in life and those who judge can stick their opinions... as if parents don't feel guilty enough...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Having to work and wanting to work are not the same...My mom and grandmothers also worked.

 

I'm not saying one is wrong, what I'm saying is too often it's the kids that get shorted no way around that, unfortunately it's too often cases of a parent wanting to be away and not needing to. In a need situation it's a non starter and can't be debated.

 

Saying you need to work to be Happy isn't really balance when it costs you the deepest possible bond with your child (ren).

 

I call crap... ive bonded just fine with my children

[Southern Sun]

Again I'm talking personal responsibility as a parent, has nothing to do with gender.

 

Isn't it old? Blaming men for decision that don't work out. No one gets lost in thier husband, they choose to take a backseat. My wife started what has become a very successful business while being a SAHM. She took trips throughout Europe, taught Zumba classes, had girls nights. What about that got lost in me? When we divorced she was fine. When our middle child started school she worked full time away from the home. We remarried had another child and once again she is a SAHM. Still teaching Zumba, still traveling, still not lost in me.

 

I'm pretty sure you can't take your personal experience and extrapolate it to everyone's. Just because your wife apparently got to "choose" (even when you divorced her...and yes, I know why), does not mean everyone's does. Look at OP's situation. Her husband does not seem to be as generous as you.

 

I'm responding after reading the OP and a few other posts.

 

If you are a director, are your skills business-related? It sounds like your family will now have a family business. Why not work at home for a while until the business starts generating revenue, then assume a role in the family business, part-time, when you can afford a maid?

 

Have you read OP's comments? Her job is at a non-profit, one that is personally important to her. Just because her skills might be transferable does not mean she wants to do that. Deriving joy from your work is a special thing indeed and THAT is not necessarily transferable.

 

From a financial perspective, the downside of that is that your family income is not 'diversified.' If the business will make so much more money than you can as a director, why divert so much attention away from the household if it is not needed? The family should take precedence over career. Why should we go out and work so hard if not to provide for those we love, first those closest to us who we are responsible for in our family, and secondly for those out there in society? It's good to work hard and build something, but children should be a priority.

 

Whoever said her children are NOT her priority? And just because her job is not making bank does not mean it is NOT important. Someone else made that point in another post. There are lots of very important jobs out there that society's standards mean we simply don't pay them enough (teachers, police officers, firemen, etc.). Does that mean they should quit?

 

I'm not saying you can't work and have children as a priority, but your husband may have the idea that now that money will be taken care of, there is no need for sacrificing and providing less than the best in regard to raising the children and family life.

 

Another point to keep in mind is that both of her children are about to be in school all day. One already is. How does it then make sense for her to be home while they are gone? Every parent faces the challenge of those couple of hours after school, when they are done and you aren't. But we often are able to work those out, with flex time and all kinds of creative options.

 

My advice is to submit to your husband on this and be there to help him in the transition.

 

If you are concerned about losing what you have built up in your career, IMO, a resume that shows a shift from director to board member, CFO, CEO, president, etc. in a small business isn't necessarily a bad thing. You could talk to your husband about that, take over a part-time, top level role in the small business while you spend more time at home. Then your resume will reflect either a lateral move or a promotion. If anything goes wrong with the business, you won't have a gap on your resume. If you have a skillset that includes 'generic business' skills as opposed to purely specialized skills for your industry, why can't you use these in the family business?

 

But that isn't HER career. That is moving into a totally different area.

 

For those that espouse this idea that she should submit to her husband, or are speaking in this conservative manner about the wife staying home...I submit to you Proverbs 31: The Wife of Noble Character. Because I'm betting many of you fall in the "I'm a Christian category" (or something like that).

 

Have you read it recently? She pretty much does it all. She provides food for her family; she buys a field "out of her earnings" and plants a vineyard; "she sees her trading is profitable"; she clothes her family in fine linens; her husband is respected; she watches over the affairs of her household; and her husband praises her. She also "brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

 

We haven't talked much about single moms, because the argument doesn't apply. But in a marriage, wouldn't the above just be right? Regardless of what you believe? It requires faith and care from both parties.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Southern Sun

[wmacbride]

Disagree 100%... Actually Studies show that children with Sahm's are more successful on standardized testing, scoring roughly​ 15% higher.. They also have higher college graduation rates.

 

I agree that most importantly they have loving parents above all elses.

 

op,

I don't think either you or your husband is wrong, simply because we are only hearing your wide of the story first hand and not his. I'm not saying you are being deceptive or exaggerating, just that, due to the nature of an internet forum, it's usually a one sided analysis of a situation.

 

I do think your husband's cancer scare may have affected him more deeply than he's letting on.

 

I also wonder why he wants you to stay at home. If you ask him, what does he say? Not just " it's best for the kids", but why is it so important to him to have a stay at home wife? If you two can figure that out, maybe you can start finding ways to address his concerns and find a compromise that works for you both, and more importantly, that works for your kids.

 

If it comes down to you feeling like you have to stop working for your marriage or getting a divorce so that you will be able to continue to pursue your carer, which woudl you pick? Would you let it reach that point in the first place?

 

If you need a guidepost to help, do what is best for your kids. They didn't ask to be in the middle of a situation like this.

[BettyDraper]

I'm pretty sure you can't take your personal experience and extrapolate it to everyone's. Just because your wife apparently got to "choose" (even when you divorced her...and yes, I know why), does not mean everyone's does. Look at OP's situation. Her husband does not seem to be as generous as you.

 

 

 

But that isn't HER career. That is moving into a totally different area.

 

For those that espouse this idea that she should submit to her husband, or are speaking in this conservative manner about the wife staying home...I submit to you Proverbs 31: The Wife of Noble Character. Because I'm betting many of you fall in the "I'm a Christian category" (or something like that).

 

Have you read it recently? She pretty much does it all. She provides food for her family; she buys a field "out of her earnings" and plants a vineyard; "she sees her trading is profitable"; she clothes her family in fine linens; her husband is respected; she watches over the affairs of her household; and her husband praises her. She also "brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

 

We haven't talked much about single moms, because the argument doesn't apply. But in a marriage, wouldn't the above just be right? Regardless of what you believe? It requires faith and care from both parties.

 

You may want to consider that not every woman embraces Biblical submission. Please don't force your beliefs on others.

 

Many Christians do not want to consider that not every husband is worthy of a submissive wife.

 

Lots of men use the Bible as justification to treat their wives like children with no voice.

[BettyDraper]

OP, is working part time a compromise that you're willing to make?

Part time work can give you the best of both worlds.

[wmacbride]

I hope you see this, but if you are a Director at a non-profit, you would be a fool to leave that job.

 

I am a former non-profit employee and I absolutely know the importance of having a great Director within a non-profit. Non-profits are life changing for more under-served individuals.

 

And you most likely know the situations that many women find themselves in later in life. I can't count how many times a woman would come into the agency seeking help and struggling to find a job and resources to keep their family and children afloat. So many times where the husband has passed away, divorced, taken an illness, or simply didn't care anymore and could no longer provide for the family. And because that woman choose to leave her career behind to be a stay-at-home, she now struggles to even attain a minimum wage job to keep food on the table for herself and her children.

 

It would make zero sense for you to become a stay-at-home mom when your kids will be attending school full-time within a year's time. That would be such a waste of your life where you would literally be sitting at home hours a day where you would not even see your children and just entertain yourself with clean up. Give me a break.

 

Your husband wants a lifestyle of him being the sole bread winner and his wife who doesn't need to work because of it. It's about appearances and nothing more. The time for you to be a stay-at-home mom has passed and makes no sense to do now or in the future.

 

If he threatens divorce again, call his bluff and tell him to go through with it. See if he really has the guts to do it. At the end of the day, he wants you to have no life while he gets to have it all which is not what a true partnership is about.

 

stay at home parents "entertain themselves with clean up"? Are you fricking kidding me? ( please tell me I took that out of context)

 

I've been both a SAHM and a working parent. Both are equally difficult, but in different ways.

[Els]

It sounds like a rather unfortunate mismatch. There are plenty of men who desire a woman with a career, and on the other hand there are plenty of women who desire to be a SAHM. The two of you are just on opposite sides of that coin.

 

The part that really concerns me isn't that he desires a SAHM, but rather that you explicitly TOLD him you strongly desire a career early on, and yet he just bulldozed right over that. That tells me that either he isn't listening to you, or he's incredibly selfish and thinks it's all about what he wants with no consideration for you. If he had genuinely just been a good guy who wanted a SAHM, he would have listened to that and perhaps decided early on that the two of you weren't suited for each other, instead of trying to run over you now that you have 2 children together.

 

And telling his parents you were going to quit without consulting you?? Who does that?!?!

 

If it hadn't been for this, I'd urge you to compromise. In this case, though, I don't know if it's such a good idea. When you encourage selfish people by giving in to their every whim, they get worse, not better.

 

As money isn't an issue, I think you should just get a housekeeper (possibly two, on shifts) to do all of the housework and cooking. That way he gets his dinner on the table every evening and you get to have your career while being able to spend time with the kids in the evening. If he doesn't like it, well, he can decide what's more important to him.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Elswyth

[wmacbride]

Please stop saying this ... it's just crap. I work, my husband works, and together we raise our kids... we are helping with homework, ferrying to sport and parties, teaching values, cuddles before bedtime and up in the middle of the night ... in my country they did a time based study of working mums vs non working mums and found that we spend the same amount of "quality time" with our children... but sacrifice things like sleep and personal grooming to get it (time at the salon etc). Don't tell me someone else is raining my kids because if they were I wouldn't be so exhausted half the time

 

 

And I certainly wont apologise fuse for teaching my kids that they can do whatever they want in life and those who judge can stick their opinions... as if parents don't feel guilty enough...

 

 

So long as the kids are getting lots of love and attention, structure and discipline, in my estimation, they will likely launch into the world as happy and productive adults.

 

I don't know how much staying home/not staying home has to do with it, so long as someone who works outside the home is able to take off their "career" hat when they are at home. It's sad when a parent can't do that.

 

My brother is one person who wasn't able to balance career and family. He was always working, hardly at home, and when he was, he was still in "work mode". Now he makes more in a month than most make in a years ( he's a mutli-millionaire) but his grown kids have gone off the rails. His ex -wife did most of the child rearing, and now, he's getting closer to retiring and trying to reconnect with his son and daughter.

It's not happening.

[Southern Sun]

You may want to consider that not every woman embraces Biblical submission. Please don't force your beliefs on others.

 

Many Christians do not want to consider that not every husband is worthy of a submissive wife.

 

Lots of men use the Bible as justification to treat their wives like children with no voice.

 

I'm not "forcing" my beliefs on anyone.

 

I think it's odd that you got "submission" out of the Proverbs 31 quote.

 

The whole thing is about a wife who actually has her own work and the husband is proud of her.

 

I was simply trying to state that even people who might be considered conservative (Christian or not) can find evidence that this is supported in even the Bible.

[BettyDraper]

I'm not "forcing" my beliefs on anyone.

 

I think it's odd that you got "submission" out of the Proverbs 31 quote.

 

The whole thing is about a wife who actually has her own work and the husband is proud of her.

 

I was simply trying to state that even people who might be considered conservative (Christian or not) can find evidence that this is supported in even the Bible.

 

Maybe because you mentioned submission in your post?

People are more receptive to advice when religion and religious texts are not brought into discussions.

[BettyDraper]

I must say that I'm dismayed to find that in 2017, some men still believe that a woman needs to give up her career to raise children.

 

I'm a traditional wife but I would never expect every other woman to make similar choices.

[Southern Sun]

Maybe because you mentioned submission in your post?

People are more receptive to advice when religion and religious texts are not brought into discussions.

 

I was responding to Mr. International, who said, "My advice is to submit to your husband..."

 

I said, "For those that espouse the idea that she should submit to her husband...", while quoting Mr. International's post.

 

My point was...if you are going to take that tact, perhaps note that even the most conservative of texts supports a woman's work.

 

Thanks.

[William]

Since the thread starter appears to have departed and the discussion is of their particular situation regarding career and housewife, I'll thank members for their considered responses and close this up for now. If the starter wants to update, hit that alert us button and let us know.