Husband wants me to give up my career to be a housewife

[DKT3]

Also Birdie, maybe you should actually read what I'm saying before labeling me sexist... Nothing about what I'm saying is sexist. It's about making your kids number one priority, which unfortunately doesn't happen enough mother or father.

[knitwit]

OP, I'm with you. Never in a hundred million years would I ever willingly give up my career, barring significant illness for someone in my family. Even then, I'd be itching to get back to work once the illness was over.

 

Change jobs to better fit and support the marriage? Yes. You've already done that. Give up my career to be a housewife? Never. I'd rather be a single mom, hands down, unquestionably. It would be Divorce.

 

I feel like you do. I love my job. I believe that I am making an impact in the world, not only with the output of my job but also because I help shape careers. If I am doing my job correctly, I am building new leaders who are also going to go out and make positive contributions to the world.

 

Women have only been significant contributors on the corporate workplace for about 2 generations now (Gen X and Millennials), where the kids are grown into adulthood. There is data coming out on the effect of having a working mom, and it's actually pretty positive. You can't have it all, but you CAN have balance. Kids don't have to be shafted. My son is worlds ahead of where I was when I was his age, including socially and educationally.

 

My mom became a lot happier- and the household became more safe and stable- when she started working in the 1980s. My mom is now in her 70s and is still sought after as a consultant. She is a happy, healthy, financially sound Senior Citizen now; she was miserable being broke and stuck at home as a SAHM in the 1970s, and she could never have the life she leads now had not forged a career for herself.

 

I think it's time to be clear and honest with your husband. You are not quitting your job or giving up your career. You have choices and he can't make you quit. He really doesn't have a say in whether or not you quit work or not. You can take his preferences under advisement but YOU ultimately make the decision.

 

And, if he thinks it will be hard to do what he wants to do now, it will be a lot harder for him if he is divorced.

 

I think the main thing though is that he realize, you are not quitting. You've already compromised your career and you've reached your line in the sand. He makes own decisions after that.

 

Since other parts of your marriage are good, I wonder if he sees this as a status thing, or a marker of his success as a man and provider? If you can find out where his desire for you to stay at home is derived, maybe you can at least find a way to re-frame it (e.g., he is not a failure if his wife works.)

 

Best of luck to you!

[kgcolonel]

I kind of agree with this. I never understood why people have kids to spend a few hrs a night with them.

 

I don't have kids for this reason, I only would if I could stay home.

 

Thank you!!!! Paid help doesn't have the same investment in the kids that a parent has.

 

I completely support everyone having a career however I more strongly support a child having their mother (in this case) at home nurturing the kids. You're right, the kids lose in this equation in todays skewed valuation practices.

 

Tough topic and yes, I see all the at the OP has done and I am also assuming they both CHOSE to have the kids.

[Birdies]

No.

Nine things parents of successful children have in common, according to science | The Independent

 

#3: the mothers work.

 

'Freakonomics': What Makes a Perfect Parent? - ABC News

 

Being a mother over 30 strongly correlated to stronger test scores in her child, but taking time off to raise her child did not.

 

Anyway, regardless of what science says, the OP is a working woman who loves her job, there is no evidence from her post that the kids are suffering (rather, the husband wants a Stepford wife), and it's sexist and unreasonable to ask her to give up her career because he wants her to.

 

Also Birdie, maybe you should actually read what I'm saying before labeling me sexist... Nothing about what I'm saying is sexist. It's about making your kids number one priority, which unfortunately doesn't happen enough mother or father.

 

Sorry but when your default response is criticizing the woman for being hesitant to permanently give up her career to be a full-time mom, without a single word about how the dad could make any single adjustment to be a more present father, it's straight sexism.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Birdies

[DKT3]

No.

Nine things parents of successful children have in common, according to science | The Independent

 

#3: the mothers work.

 

'Freakonomics': What Makes a Perfect Parent? - ABC News

 

Being a mother over 30 strongly correlated to stronger test scores in her child, but taking time off to raise her child did not.

 

Anyway, regardless of what science says, the OP is a working woman who loves her job, there is no evidence from her post that the kids are suffering (rather, the husband wants a Stepford wife), and it's sexist and unreasonable to ask her to give up her career because he wants her to.

 

 

 

Sorry but when your default response is criticizing the woman for being hesitant to permanently give up her career to be a full-time mom, without a single word about how the dad could make any single adjustment to be a more present father, it's straight sexism.

Again, you didn't read what I wrote because I said if it was about the kids for him then he should be willing to stay home as well... I also said it's about age, a 4 year old benefits from parents, a 16 year old doesn't need​ a hoovering parent. You simply​have not read what I've written, say one thing and jumped to conclusions

[Birdies]

Again, you didn't read what I wrote because I said if it was about the kids for him then he should be willing to stay home as well... I also said it's about age, a 4 year old benefits from parents, a 16 year old doesn't need​ a hoovering parent. You simply​have not read what I've written, say one thing and jumped to conclusions

 

Yeah, no. Please see below.

 

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

 

But not that HE would find it a sacrifice to raise HIS kids? Of course not, you don't expect the man to give up his career to stay home.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

So any low-paying career is selfish and worthless? Good to know. I'll be sure to tell that to all the teachers, public defenders, non-profit employees, etc that I know. You honestly think they are doing that low-paid work out of selfishness, rather than a desire to contribute to society and set a good example for their children?

 

This idea of today's woman being able to have it all is selfish, honestly it's ridiculous. In order to ha e it all one must spread themselves too thin, as I stated the kids get shorted.

 

Men, of course, can have it all with no one asking THEM to give up their careers or risk ruining their kids' lives? Only the women shouldn't try to work and also be a parent?

 

Seriously DK, if you don't see the persistent sexist themes in the quotes above, you are truly deluding yourself.

 

Anyway, I'm done with this conversation, and you and others have apparently run off the OP with your sexism as well. Nicely done.

[Raena]

I would not say I support his position, I'm advocating for the children. If he wants her to stay home and it's really about the kids then he should be willing to do so as well. I think it falls to her because I'm guessing her salary isn't enough to support one sided f them before my home.

 

It's not like one needs to be an at home or part time me working parent for 18 years, but were exactly do the child's best interest play into any of this? What I see here is two adult Rams banging heads to flex power and using the kids as excuses. Him saying she need to stay home but I guessing that isn't the real reason, and her saying what does it teach the boys if she quits to raise them.....I'm it shows they are your priority.

 

I respectfully disagree with your opinion. Because of my age, I know several men who were raised by SAHM's and their opinion was never that they thought their mother made them a priority, it was that it's what women "should" do. It was what was expected and many of them expected their wife to do the same just because that's what they grew up with.

[Birdies]

Again, you didn't read what I wrote because I said if it was about the kids for him then he should be willing to stay home as well... I also said it's about age, a 4 year old benefits from parents, a 16 year old doesn't need​ a hoovering parent. You simply​have not read what I've written, say one thing and jumped to conclusions

 

Yeah, no. Please see below.

 

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

 

But not that HE would find it a sacrifice to raise HIS kids? Of course not, you don't expect the man to give up his career to stay home.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

So any low-paying career is selfish and worthless? Good to know. I'll be sure to tell that to all the teachers, public defenders, non-profit employees, etc that I know. You honestly think they are doing that low-paid work out of selfishness, rather than a desire to contribute to society and set a good example for their children?

 

This idea of today's woman being able to have it all is selfish, honestly it's ridiculous. In order to ha e it all one must spread themselves too thin, as I stated the kids get shorted.

 

Men, of course, can have it all with no one asking THEM to give up their careers or risk ruining their kids' lives? Right. Only women should be judged for trying to juggle a career and a family, not men.

 

Seriously DK, if you don't see the persistent sexist themes in the quotes above, you are truly deluding yourself.

 

Anyway, I'm done with this conversation, and you and others have apparently run off the OP with your sexism as well. Nicely done.

[Raena]

I kind of agree with this. I never understood why people have kids to spend a few hrs a night with them.

 

I don't have kids for this reason, I only would if I could stay home.

 

 

I don't understand your thinking on this... do you honestly think that people shouldn't have kids if they have a job?

[DKT3]

Yeah, no. Please see below.

 

 

 

But not that HE would find it a sacrifice to raise HIS kids? Of course not, you don't expect the man to give up his career to stay home.

 

 

 

So any low-paying career is selfish and worthless? Good to know. I'll be sure to tell that to all the teachers, public defenders, non-profit employees, etc that I know. You honestly think they are doing that low-paid work out of selfishness, rather than a desire to contribute to society and set a good example for their children?

 

 

 

Men, of course, can have it all with no one asking THEM to give up their careers or risk ruining their kids' lives? Right. Only women should be judged for trying to juggle a career and a family, not men.

 

Seriously DK, if you don't see the persistent sexist themes in the quotes above, you are truly deluding yourself.

 

Anyway, I'm done with this conversation, and you and others have apparently run off the OP with your sexism as well. Nicely done.

 

Not even when you take it out of context.

 

OP said she sacrificed​ to stay home. This she sacrificed​ her career to raise her kids.

 

In my first post I clearly stated I work to live and absolutely don't miss anything involving my kids. I take that responsible upon myself and don't have that expectation of my wife.

 

You see, I walked away from a career for a third of what I was earning to be more available to my kids. To me my relationship with my kids​ is absolutely number one and I will protect it with my life.

 

I talking personal responsibility as a parent...Call it sexist if you want

[PrettyEmily77]

Admittedly I've not read the whole thread but I would caution you about over-analysing or acting now on something that may or may not happen in 5 years' time.

 

Nothing has to change until then.

 

Your H may be well be over-excited now but is, with respect, totally over his head at the moment. Neither of you know what your financial situation will be 5 years from now for a start.

 

FWIW, you did the right thing avoiding a phone confrontation - this conversation needs to take place face-to-face with a cool head.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[EZNona]

None of this is helping. I hoped that seeing different sides of it would help me find a solution that I could live with but there doesn't seem to be.

 

I can't believe how many people actually believe that having kids means giving up on yoruself. I can't even comprehend that. I grew up with working parents, parents who actually both worked and went to school and I was watched by my grandparents and I grew up to respect that about my parents. I never felt unloved, unwanted or short on anything. I am raising my kids the same way I was raised - to be productive humans that contribute to society and to find something that makes them happy.

 

Regardless of gender roles or anything else, our marriage was not entered into in the assumption that I would ever quit work. There was never any talk of that, and we were prepared to live a life of having to work, but I had the advantage of actually loving work so that was ok with me!

 

I feel like this new opportunity for my husband and our family has really put a divide between us, where he wants to do everything he can to retire early and travel and take long vacations and live the life his boss is currently living, and I'm content to work until I die because I enjoy it!

 

Our kids are fine. This is not about our kids. This is about him wanted to be the big boss of a company with a quiet little wife who has dinner on the table at 5 and a clean house. Our house isn't dirty. We have 2 boys. Toys everywhere, random socks can usually be found in the living room, laundry might not get folded that day, but we have a busy house and I love it the way it is.

 

Thanks everyone who added input but I think I'm done here. I'm no better now than I was this morning and only time will tell if we can make it or not. I do know I don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents, but only have 50% of that choice to control. The rest is up to him.

 

I don't think I'm selfish for working. I didn't die when I had kids, only to be replaced by a shell of a person who can only cook, clean and raise babies. That **** is for the birds. It is my job to set an example for them, and to help them set and reach their goals. At NO POINT do I plan to teach my kids that it's acceptable to use guilt or threats to make people do something they don't want to do.

 

The housekeeper solution seems reasonable, but if we've been doing everything ourselves to this point, and nothing has changed other than his salary, I don't see the point. It's not like we have unbearable amounts of cleaning to do.

 

We shall see...

 

 

I hope you see this, but if you are a Director at a non-profit, you would be a fool to leave that job.

 

I am a former non-profit employee and I absolutely know the importance of having a great Director within a non-profit. Non-profits are life changing for more under-served individuals.

 

And you most likely know the situations that many women find themselves in later in life. I can't count how many times a woman would come into the agency seeking help and struggling to find a job and resources to keep their family and children afloat. So many times where the husband has passed away, divorced, taken an illness, or simply didn't care anymore and could no longer provide for the family. And because that woman choose to leave her career behind to be a stay-at-home, she now struggles to even attain a minimum wage job to keep food on the table for herself and her children.

 

It would make zero sense for you to become a stay-at-home mom when your kids will be attending school full-time within a year's time. That would be such a waste of your life where you would literally be sitting at home hours a day where you would not even see your children and just entertain yourself with clean up. Give me a break.

 

Your husband wants a lifestyle of him being the sole bread winner and his wife who doesn't need to work because of it. It's about appearances and nothing more. The time for you to be a stay-at-home mom has passed and makes no sense to do now or in the future.

 

If he threatens divorce again, call his bluff and tell him to go through with it. See if he really has the guts to do it. At the end of the day, he wants you to have no life while he gets to have it all which is not what a true partnership is about.

[Popsicle]

I'm guessing you wouldn't be a good SAHM anyway if you're hearts not in it and you really don't want to do it, so I'm voting for hiring a nanny and a housekeeper.

[Popsicle]

 

The housekeeper solution seems reasonable, but if we've been doing everything ourselves to this point, and nothing has changed other than his salary, I don't see the point. It's not like we have unbearable amounts of cleaning to do.

 

The problem is, he doesn't want to do any of the household chores anymore.

[camillalev]

Don't give up your job. why is your career less important than a his?

 

I would absolutely never do it in your position. Totally chauvinistic attitude.

 

Agree with this 100%. Don't give up your career - it's not just a job it's a part of who you are. Some people are happy to be Stay-at-home parents, others would wither away in that position - you are the latter. Your husband is not only selfish but he doesn't respect you or see you for who you really are. He wants to mold you into a stick figure wife. That is not you, that's somebody else. And yes, completely chauvinistic attitude.

 

What's best for the family is a happy and fulfilled mother, wife and human being. Yes, people make compromises for the family, but not like this.

 

And if cancer was a factor in his opinions, he would have said so. People with seriously compromised health but also respect and love their partners usually DONT want them to make such major changes and reluctantly ask them to do so. People I know who have been in similar situations cant stand having their illness impact those around them like that and feel guilty for it. They dont bully their family to bend to their wishes.

[camillalev]

It's not about "having it all." It's about having balance. There are some moms who are very happy and satisfied with staying at home and working on the PTA. And there are others who are not. The OP is one of those moms need that balance. I know for me personally, and a lot of other moms I know, I would not be a good a mom if I wasn't working. But I'm also lucky to have a full-time job that's flexible.

 

And a huge eye-roll to "today's" woman. My mother worked, and her mother worked. Newsflash: women have been in the workforce for quite some time now. Let's not judge women for having to work to provide for her family.

 

Amen. I know many great mothers that also worked.

[Art_Critic]

IMO.. I wouldn't quit your job...

 

When our 9 year old son was born my wife became a SAHM and I think it was the worst thing that could've happened to her.

 

She had worked hard her whole life and today she is a shell of who she used to be, she isn't happy in her role and she also hasn't the will power to change it either.

 

I have asked her to get out of the house, donate her time somewhere or go get a job somewhere so she feels she has a purpose and she just doesn't see it.

 

She lost her purpose when our son went school age and she has never gotten it back, she keeps trying to full fill herself at home, bird watching, more pets, home projects and what not but it isn't helping.

 

Our marriage has also suffered because of this.. so don't give up who you are and give up the purpose you have in life for your husband...

 

Good Luck....

[Popsicle]

IMO.. I wouldn't quit your job...

 

When our 9 year old son was born my wife became a SAHM and I think it was the worst thing that could've happened to her.

 

She had worked hard her whole life and today she is a shell of who she used to be, she isn't happy in her role and she also hasn't the will power to change it either.

 

I have asked her to get out of the house, donate her time somewhere or go get a job somewhere so she feels she has a purpose and she just doesn't see it.

 

She lost her purpose when our son went school age and she has never gotten it back, she keeps trying to full fill herself at home, bird watching, more pets, home projects and what not but it isn't helping.

 

Our marriage has also suffered because of this.. so don't give up who you are and give up the purpose you have in life for your husband...

 

Good Luck....

 

This is definitely a thing. I experienced this too when I was a SAHM. And even though you love being there for your kids and husband, it's like you enter into a funk without knowing it, and you won't come out of it until you are forced. And I was forced, fortunately. Thank God. I am so grateful I was! I would never go back to that!

[sandylee1]

Nobody should be pressured into giving up their career. If my husband tried it, I'd refuse or we'd be getting divorced.

 

I've seen way too many stories of the man leaving his wife for another woman, and she's spent years at home and has no up to date skills.

 

I didn't study to post graduate level to stay home to look after children full time. I also need to show my daughters that a woman is not confined to child rearing.

 

How about your need to interact with adults and the need to do a fulfilling job in whatever sector it is.

 

All too often, men who have a SAHW, start being resentful and so in awe of the OW he finds and her career.

 

Not in a million years would I do this and if my husband started moping because of it, he'd be forced to snap out of it, or I'd just start living my own life and leave him to it.

 

This is not the Victorian age and women.

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Southern Sun]

Well, this is quite the debate. Shouldn't surprise any of us.

 

I'm sorry the OP became disheartened by some comments on her thread. Although I can't say I'm surprised by the variety of opinions. Perhaps she will come back and see that many of us support her side of things.

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand how anyone can claim that somehow children are not loved and do not thrive (as much as they would with a SAHM) when both parents work. And I cannot grasp that there are people who deign to assert that women should generally subjugate their personal needs, talents, creativity, basic sense of security, physical and emotional health, and even her spirit, for a general sense that, well, she's had babies now so she should just get her fulfillment there.

 

Didn't BOTH the mom and dad have the baby?

 

Aren't BOTH the mom and dad unique human beings with fundamental needs OTHER than the care of the precious child they made?

 

And don't BOTH parents have the responsibility to, yes, put the child or children first, and then continue to make sure they are emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy? For without that, how can they make sure the child is the same?

 

Beyond the whole "self-actualization" thing, there are all the practicalities to be considered. Yes, we know that if there's a financial need for both partners to work, it's a no-brainer. But are we considering more than the short-term? We don't know what tomorrow brings. Everything might work fine right now on the husband's salary, but as we know, sh ! t happens. How many times have we seen dedicated moms on this board, who've stayed home for 20 years, only to discover their husband cheating with another woman? As well, statistically the man usually dies first. Then there are the unexpected illnesses, perhaps that don't take us early but at least might keep us out of a job. What if the husband decides he wants to hug the bottle for a while, or some other substance, and the wife needs to pick up the slack? If she's been out of the workforce for 10 years or longer, that's going to be an issue.

 

As others have said, if you are the type of person where work does provide some fulfillment for you, it will be a hard road to stay at home. However if you enjoy it, then it will be a pleasure. I would be interested to see how any productive man on this board who was forced to stay home (full-time) due to one reason or another might deal with it.

 

I have no problem with women who choose to stay home. I have no problem with women who choose to work. I don't understand people who have a problem with other people's personal choices. Fortunately, a decision we make today isn't a forever decision (typically). If we're good parents, we are so involved with them that we know what our children need. We can make new decisions. And that is really the point of all of this. We are allowed to choose.

[BettyDraper]

In the 11 years we've been together we have been married, had two children, he's survived pancreatic cancer, the recent death of his lifetime friend to cancer a foreclosure and a financial rebound. We have literally been through hell and back and I thought we could survive anything. I have already quit one job for him because he didn't like the unusual hours, I also passed on an incredible opportunity again because he didn't like that I would be gone for one weekend every 4-6 weeks. I was forced to quit a job that I LOVED and found a job in the same field, but more traditional work hours as a compromise. I feel like it was fair and while I'm not as happy as I was, I'm happy enough and I thought our issues were resolved.

 

Now, he's been involved in an incredible promotion in his career, and he's moved up from worker bee to company owner as he buys out his retiring boss. With this, his attitude toward my job, tasks around the house and helping me with the kids has backslid so far that I don't even recognize him. His newest thing is that I should be willing to quit my job now that we have enough money that I don't have to work for our finances. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home and he doesn't want to help with the kids or housework anymore.

 

I have never, ever given any indication that I wouldn't want to work. In fact, I've told him before that I can't picture myself not working, that I love my job, that retirement is a scary concept for me, and that my work is a part of who I am.

 

I love him, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my own ambitions and goals for him. I also only have one life to live and I have plans! I know for a fact that there are plenty of couples that are both successful and make it work but he refuses to acknowledge that. I feel like we're both at a point where we don't want to compromise. I feel like I have made all the career sacrifices I'm ok with. If I do quit, I will resent him for it, and if I don't, he'll resent me for it.

 

Is this where it ends for us?

 

You shouldn't have to give up your ambitions and goals for your husband.

Marriage should enhance your identity rather than snuffing it out.

Your husband is in the wrong here. I think his new position has gotten to his head and now he demands that you become Susie Homemaker to fit his new image.

 

I say this as a housewife. I enjoy my life immensely but I understand that it isn't for everyone. My husband never demanded that I give up my career. It was a mutual decision based on practical and emotional factors. A woman who doesn't want to be at home will be miserable. Unhappiness will have a detrimental effect on your parenting and your marriage.

 

Now, I haven't read the whole thread but I'm going to suggest marriage counseling.

[BettyDraper]

It's not about "having it all." It's about having balance. There are some moms who are very happy and satisfied with staying at home and working on the PTA. And there are others who are not. The OP is one of those moms need that balance. I know for me personally, and a lot of other moms I know, I would not be a good a mom if I wasn't working. But I'm also lucky to have a full-time job that's flexible.

 

And a huge eye-roll to "today's" woman. My mother worked, and her mother worked. Newsflash: women have been in the workforce for quite some time now. Let's not judge women for having to work to provide for her family.

 

Sometimes I feel like women can't win no matter what we do.

If we stay home, we are lazy dependents who are foolish enough to depend on a man. If we work, we are bad mothers/wives who only care about our careers.

 

I believe that if a woman decides that she wants to stay home, she should have an education, volunteer work which relates to her field, solid employment history and savings.

[DKT3]

Well, this is quite the debate. Shouldn't surprise any of us.

 

I'm sorry the OP became disheartened by some comments on her thread. Although I can't say I'm surprised by the variety of opinions. Perhaps she will come back and see that many of us support her side of things.

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand how anyone can claim that somehow children are not loved and do not thrive (as much as they would with a SAHM) when both parents work. And I cannot grasp that there are people who deign to assert that women should generally subjugate their personal needs, talents, creativity, basic sense of security, physical and emotional health, and even her spirit, for a general sense that, well, she's had babies now so she should just get her fulfillment there.

 

Didn't BOTH the mom and dad have the baby?

 

Aren't BOTH the mom and dad unique human beings with fundamental needs OTHER than the care of the precious child they made?

 

And don't BOTH parents have the responsibility to, yes, put the child or children first, and then continue to make sure they are emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy? For without that, how can they make sure the child is the same?

 

Beyond the whole "self-actualization" thing, there are all the practicalities to be considered. Yes, we know that if there's a financial need for both partners to work, it's a no-brainer. But are we considering more than the short-term? We don't know what tomorrow brings. Everything might work fine right now on the husband's salary, but as we know, sh ! t happens. How many times have we seen dedicated moms on this board, who've stayed home for 20 years, only to discover their husband cheating with another woman? As well, statistically the man usually dies first. Then there are the unexpected illnesses, perhaps that don't take us early but at least might keep us out of a job. What if the husband decides he wants to hug the bottle for a while, or some other substance, and the wife needs to pick up the slack? If she's been out of the workforce for 10 years or longer, that's going to be an issue.

 

As others have said, if you are the type of person where work does provide some fulfillment for you, it will be a hard road to stay at home. However if you enjoy it, then it will be a pleasure. I would be interested to see how any productive man on this board who was forced to stay home (full-time) due to one reason or another might deal with it.

 

I have no problem with women who choose to stay home. I have no problem with women who choose to work. I don't understand people who have a problem with other people's personal choices. Fortunately, a decision we make today isn't a forever decision (typically). If we're good parents, we are so involved with them that we know what our children need. We can make new decisions. And that is really the point of all of this. We are allowed to choose.

 

As I've stated several times, to me it has nothing to do with gender....being a man who gave up a very promising career to be more available to my children was important to me, but I don't have the expectation of my wife doing the same...She has decided to stay home now so since we have two teens and a little one not school age.

 

I'm simply talking about making kids the number one priority. Too often it's not the case, careers come first. Sadly for the OP it's a career that doesn't pay well ( her words) and should she become a single mom she would likely have to find another​.

 

I have no expectations of my wife that I don't have of myself.

 

Of course you can thrive when both parents work, my parents both worked they raised two doctors brother (MD) sister (PhD) and myself multiple degrees. All successful​, all well adjusted....Well my sister is slightly crazy.

[Quiet Storms]

Well, this is quite the debate. Shouldn't surprise any of us.

 

I'm sorry the OP became disheartened by some comments on her thread. Although I can't say I'm surprised by the variety of opinions. Perhaps she will come back and see that many of us support her side of things.

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand how anyone can claim that somehow children are not loved and do not thrive (as much as they would with a SAHM) when both parents work. And I cannot grasp that there are people who deign to assert that women should generally subjugate their personal needs, talents, creativity, basic sense of security, physical and emotional health, and even her spirit, for a general sense that, well, she's had babies now so she should just get her fulfillment there.

 

Didn't BOTH the mom and dad have the baby?

 

Aren't BOTH the mom and dad unique human beings with fundamental needs OTHER than the care of the precious child they made?

 

And don't BOTH parents have the responsibility to, yes, put the child or children first, and then continue to make sure they are emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy? For without that, how can they make sure the child is the same?

 

Beyond the whole "self-actualization" thing, there are all the practicalities to be considered. Yes, we know that if there's a financial need for both partners to work, it's a no-brainer. But are we considering more than the short-term? We don't know what tomorrow brings. Everything might work fine right now on the husband's salary, but as we know, sh ! t happens. How many times have we seen dedicated moms on this board, who've stayed home for 20 years, only to discover their husband cheating with another woman? As well, statistically the man usually dies first. Then there are the unexpected illnesses, perhaps that don't take us early but at least might keep us out of a job. What if the husband decides he wants to hug the bottle for a while, or some other substance, and the wife needs to pick up the slack? If she's been out of the workforce for 10 years or longer, that's going to be an issue.

 

As others have said, if you are the type of person where work does provide some fulfillment for you, it will be a hard road to stay at home. However if you enjoy it, then it will be a pleasure. I would be interested to see how any productive man on this board who was forced to stay home (full-time) due to one reason or another might deal with it.

 

I have no problem with women who choose to stay home. I have no problem with women who choose to work. I don't understand people who have a problem with other people's personal choices. Fortunately, a decision we make today isn't a forever decision (typically). If we're good parents, we are so involved with them that we know what our children need. We can make new decisions. And that is really the point of all of this. We are allowed to choose.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

I hope the OP comes back and reads this.

[Quiet Storms]

I moved halfway across the country with my (now ex) husband for his job. In doing so, I gave up my career. I have several post-BS degrees and a profession.

 

I decided to stay home for a year and see how it went. OMG. Worst year of my life! My kids were in school. I could not even muster up enough motivation to do the housework the way it should have been done.

 

To this day I regret giving up my career in our previous location just because a man said I had to, although I have rebuilt it here.

 

Some people just aren't meant to not have a career. The OP is one of them.