Husband wants me to give up my career to be a housewife

[DKT3]

What hit me was watching the Will Smith movie Legend at the end when the lady said this is his legend we are his legacy... in the end it's all 99% of us will be remembered by. I was once told by a retiring co-worker "drop this mint in your water and count how long the water ripples, that's how long I will be missed" in response to me saying he was irreplaceable.

[Arieswoman]

Michigangirl,

 

In the past, when I gave up the two job opportunities that I was working so hard to pursue, he threatened divorce if I didn't choose him and our family over my job

 

I am troubled by this ^^^. It seems that as you gave into his threat then, he expects you to defer to him again.

 

And I don't see how divorce would have solved the problem ??

 

I am beginning to think he's chauvenistic, selfish, bully - sorry.

[DKT3]

Michigangirl,

 

 

 

I am troubled by this ^^^. It seems that as you gave into his threat then, he expects you to defer to him again.

 

And I don't see how divorce would have solved the problem ??

 

I am beginning to think he's chauvenistic, selfish, bully - sorry.

 

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

[VeveCakes]

I'm confused.

 

How can you all of a sudden afford to be salaryless but can't afford a housekeeper?

 

I'm assuming your salary is more than a few hundred dollars a month?

 

This is the most logical and easiest solution. You can even hire companies who will cook your meals for you and deliver them. This would still all be less than what you bring home a month.

 

Can you explain why you could afford to stay home but not hire a maid?

[TheWoman]

" trying to get my defense in place before he attacks me with his demands"

 

Look after yourself Michigangirl. Im not big into 'shoulds' ... but in my experience, thats not what a marriage should be.

[michigangirl]

I work for a non-profit so my salary is actually pretty low, and he'd actually still need me to be working during the buy-out process which will take us about 5 years, but he wants me to cut back and then quit and start being a stay at home mom once he's getting his full earnings.

 

For right now and the immediate future, any increase in salary he's getting is going straight to buying out his boss. He won't be keeping any of those increases until we've paid him off.

 

Yesterday he drops on me that he went to our credit union and asked about getting a business loan so he can pay his boss off sooner and then we would make smaller payments over a longer period of time, which would put pressure on me to quit my job sooner if we could afford it sooner. It's complicated.

 

Aside from that, I don't think we need a maid! Why is it so unfathomable that we should do our own laundry when we get home from work like normal people? We've never been rich, we've never had money or "luxury" services like maids and cooks - I don't see why we need to start now when literally NOTHING has changed other than his title and salary. He'll even get better hours! This whole thing is blowing my mind.

[michigangirl]

And I don't see how divorce would have solved the problem ??

 

I am beginning to think he's chauvenistic, selfish, bully - sorry.

 

He was telling me that if I didn't chose him and our son (only one at that time) that I obviosuly didn't love him and that my job was more important, so I chose him but I can't lie, I still regret that decision to this very day. Not that I don't love them, but I lost a part of myself that I haven't gotten back and our marriage hasn't been the same since then.

 

He's usually not like this, it's only ever come up in relation to me working. In talking to peopel that I know, he seems pretty typical. All of my general complaints are the same thing all of my friends and coworkers complain about regarding their husbands, and it's all what I would consider normal. But this one thing is just really more than I think I can do for him.

 

I know him and I will hash this out, but I didn't want to talk to any of my friends/family about this because I just wanted neutral ground to really air all this out and sort out my own thoughts.

 

I've been so pissed off since we talked yesterday that I don't even really understand what I'm feeling now, other than a very strong desire to tell him to F off! :lmao:

[FortyandForlorn]

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

 

So a working mom isn't raising her kids but a working dad is? Do you really want to have that conversation?

 

What spouse doesn't want to see their partner happy and fulfilled? If he saw that his wife is working in a field that she loves and won't work with her on making that happen, then he's the problem. And after she supported him through cancer?? She can't have this one thing because he's "inconvenienced?"

[DKT3]

So a working mom isn't raising her kids but a working dad is? Do you really want to have that conversation?

 

What spouse doesn't want to see their partner happy and fulfilled? If he saw that his wife is working in a field that she loves and won't work with her on making that happen, then he's the problem. And after she supported him through cancer?? She can't have this one thing because he's "inconvenienced?"

 

In case you missed it, I said it's not about traditional gender roles, it's about someone other then the parents ( which includes both) raising Thier kids.

 

Bottom line is everything has an opportunity cost, unfortunately it's normally the kids that lose in today's world.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

Of course is an age thing, were he kids 15 & 17 I would say it ridiculous to suggest she stay home. No teenager needs a parent hoovering over them, but at 8 & 4 they do.

[VeveCakes]

I work for a non-profit so my salary is actually pretty low, and he'd actually still need me to be working during the buy-out process which will take us about 5 years, but he wants me to cut back and then quit and start being a stay at home mom once he's getting his full earnings.

 

For right now and the immediate future, any increase in salary he's getting is going straight to buying out his boss. He won't be keeping any of those increases until we've paid him off.

 

Yesterday he drops on me that he went to our credit union and asked about getting a business loan so he can pay his boss off sooner and then we would make smaller payments over a longer period of time, which would put pressure on me to quit my job sooner if we could afford it sooner. It's complicated.

 

Aside from that, I don't think we need a maid! Why is it so unfathomable that we should do our own laundry when we get home from work like normal people? We've never been rich, we've never had money or "luxury" services like maids and cooks - I don't see why we need to start now when literally NOTHING has changed other than his title and salary. He'll even get better hours! This whole thing is blowing my mind.

 

It's not, it's just a compromise...

[DKT3]

This idea of today's woman being able to have it all is selfish, honestly it's ridiculous. In order to ha e it all one must spread themselves too thin, as I stated the kids get shorted. Adults make it all about them, what they want and so on.

[VeveCakes]

This idea of today's woman being able to have it all is selfish, honestly it's ridiculous. In order to ha e it all one must spread themselves too thin, as I stated the kids get shorted. Adults make it all about them, what they want and so on.

 

I kind of agree with this. I never understood why people have kids to spend a few hrs a night with them.

 

I don't have kids for this reason, I only would if I could stay home.

[FortyandForlorn]

I work for a non-profit so my salary is actually pretty low, and he'd actually still need me to be working during the buy-out process which will take us about 5 years, but he wants me to cut back and then quit and start being a stay at home mom once he's getting his full earnings.

 

For right now and the immediate future, any increase in salary he's getting is going straight to buying out his boss. He won't be keeping any of those increases until we've paid him off.

 

Yesterday he drops on me that he went to our credit union and asked about getting a business loan so he can pay his boss off sooner and then we would make smaller payments over a longer period of time, which would put pressure on me to quit my job sooner if we could afford it sooner. It's complicated.

 

Aside from that, I don't think we need a maid! Why is it so unfathomable that we should do our own laundry when we get home from work like normal people? We've never been rich, we've never had money or "luxury" services like maids and cooks - I don't see why we need to start now when literally NOTHING has changed other than his title and salary. He'll even get better hours! This whole thing is blowing my mind.

 

There's nothing wrong about needing help. I work in nonprofit, too, and my husband is in corporate. We're not rich. We have someone come by every two weeks to deep clean our house. I get home early, so I pick up our son and cook dinner. On weekends, we take turns doing laundry.

 

Maybe he thinks you need a break or maybe he's just being a dick, but either way, quitting your job doesn't work for YOU and he needs to address that.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that marriage is a partnership and thus, it's important for both partners to support each other to do the things that are important in their lives.

 

Although, I would love to stay home with my children, I would NOT want to stay home full time. I have worked too hard for my career to give it up. I would be very resentful if this request came from my husband.

 

And if I may, his history with pancreatic cancer would be even more incentive to keep my job. The thing is, it's possible that the cancer could return at any time. If the worst was to happen and the cancer did return - 6 months, 2 years, or 10 years down the road... I would not want to be without employment. I also think having a job and the social support of coworker's would help me to deal with the loss of my husband. You must have a contingency plan, for the worst case scenario. And, perhaps that contingency plan means you keeping your job...

[FortyandForlorn]

This idea of today's woman being able to have it all is selfish, honestly it's ridiculous. In order to ha e it all one must spread themselves too thin, as I stated the kids get shorted. Adults make it all about them, what they want and so on.

 

It's not about "having it all." It's about having balance. There are some moms who are very happy and satisfied with staying at home and working on the PTA. And there are others who are not. The OP is one of those moms need that balance. I know for me personally, and a lot of other moms I know, I would not be a good a mom if I wasn't working. But I'm also lucky to have a full-time job that's flexible.

 

And a huge eye-roll to "today's" woman. My mother worked, and her mother worked. Newsflash: women have been in the workforce for quite some time now. Let's not judge women for having to work to provide for her family.

[DKT3]

It's not about "having it all." It's about having balance. There are some moms who are very happy and satisfied with staying at home and working on the PTA. And there are others who are not. The OP is one of those moms need that balance. I know for me personally, and a lot of other moms I know, I would not be a good a mom if I wasn't working. But I'm also lucky to have a full-time job that's flexible.

 

And a huge eye-roll to "today's" woman. My mother worked, and her mother worked. Newsflash: women have been in the workforce for quite some time now. Let's not judge women for having to work to provide for her family.

 

Having to work and wanting to work are not the same...My mom and grandmothers also worked.

 

I'm not saying one is wrong, what I'm saying is too often it's the kids that get shorted no way around that, unfortunately it's too often cases of a parent wanting to be away and not needing to. In a need situation it's a non starter and can't be debated.

 

Saying you need to work to be Happy isn't really balance when it costs you the deepest possible bond with your child (ren).

[michigangirl]

None of this is helping. I hoped that seeing different sides of it would help me find a solution that I could live with but there doesn't seem to be.

 

I can't believe how many people actually believe that having kids means giving up on yoruself. I can't even comprehend that. I grew up with working parents, parents who actually both worked and went to school and I was watched by my grandparents and I grew up to respect that about my parents. I never felt unloved, unwanted or short on anything. I am raising my kids the same way I was raised - to be productive humans that contribute to society and to find something that makes them happy.

 

Regardless of gender roles or anything else, our marriage was not entered into in the assumption that I would ever quit work. There was never any talk of that, and we were prepared to live a life of having to work, but I had the advantage of actually loving work so that was ok with me!

 

I feel like this new opportunity for my husband and our family has really put a divide between us, where he wants to do everything he can to retire early and travel and take long vacations and live the life his boss is currently living, and I'm content to work until I die because I enjoy it!

 

Our kids are fine. This is not about our kids. This is about him wanted to be the big boss of a company with a quiet little wife who has dinner on the table at 5 and a clean house. Our house isn't dirty. We have 2 boys. Toys everywhere, random socks can usually be found in the living room, laundry might not get folded that day, but we have a busy house and I love it the way it is.

 

Thanks everyone who added input but I think I'm done here. I'm no better now than I was this morning and only time will tell if we can make it or not. I do know I don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents, but only have 50% of that choice to control. The rest is up to him.

 

I don't think I'm selfish for working. I didn't die when I had kids, only to be replaced by a shell of a person who can only cook, clean and raise babies. That **** is for the birds. It is my job to set an example for them, and to help them set and reach their goals. At NO POINT do I plan to teach my kids that it's acceptable to use guilt or threats to make people do something they don't want to do.

 

The housekeeper solution seems reasonable, but if we've been doing everything ourselves to this point, and nothing has changed other than his salary, I don't see the point. It's not like we have unbearable amounts of cleaning to do.

 

We shall see...

[Raena]

In case you missed it, I said it's not about traditional gender roles, it's about someone other then the parents ( which includes both) raising Thier kids.

 

Bottom line is everything has an opportunity cost, unfortunately it's normally the kids that lose in today's world.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

Of course is an age thing, were he kids 15 & 17 I would say it ridiculous to suggest she stay home. No teenager needs a parent hoovering over them, but at 8 & 4 they do.

 

What about ages 13 and 9? That's how old the kids will be when he finally pays off what he owes and will begin to make more money. OP is supposed to quit her job at that point? She has to give in to his demands because that's what HE wants but what she wants has no bearing? That doesn't even make sense.

 

I can completely relate to the OP in this situation. There is no way I would EVER quit my job and sit at home relying on my husband to pay the bills. I would go absolutely nuts if I didn't have some purpose other than being "mom", "cook", "housekeeper". Besides all that, I've seen countless women who have chosen to do exactly that, give up their careers to raise the kids and be a housewife only to have the husband cheat and leave to be with a younger woman or die unexpectedly.... leaving the exwife with little to no career options due to age and lack of experience. There is no way I would ever expect any woman to subjugate her needs to satisfy her husbands desires for a built in nanny, cook and launderer. Not all women want to be in that role. OP made it very clear to her husband before they had children that this is not a role she would be comfortable with. Why is it ok that he is now demanding this from her?

 

OP, I can understand your desire to tell him to f off. I would feel the same way. As it stands, I do it all... work, pay all the bills, raise my child, keep the house clean, cook dinner, do the grocery/clothes shopping, keep my car in good running order, mow the lawn, take care of the garbage EVERYTHING. It's just me taking care of my child and I do it with minimal need for my child to be "raised" by others. He goes to school and he's at the babysitters for no more than an hour after school. The rest of the time he is with me. If I can do all that as a single mom then why is it so hard for the both of you to be able to shoulder the job of parenting your kids, maintain the house/vehicles, pay the bills and both have careers? It should be a shared job equally across the board. Neither one of you should have to make all the sacrifices and neither one should be doing all the work to parent and maintain the house. I always think of the "what if's" and try to make sure I have a back up plan whenever possible. Should the unexpected happen and you find yourself alone to raise your kids would you be able to do that easily if you didn't have a career?

 

The amount of people on here saying that they support the husband's position just blows my mind. Once kids start school, there is very little need for either parent to be sitting at home all day.

[Birdies]

The kids would still be with the inlaws and at school during working hours as they are now. A cleaning person would be super helpful, and we would probably have the money after the buy-out is final after 5 years. In the meantime, we won't be seeing any significant salary increases since any increase now is being used to buy out the company.

 

Since he's bringing this up now, I don't know that he'll be willing to wait 5-10 years to hire a cleaning person. He's made it very clear what he wants, but I couldn't formulate a logical response when we started talking about this yesterday. It was heading for a fight which I wasn't prepared for, and I just needed some time to really think out my reply, which is what led me here today.

 

I haven't read through the whole thread, but I just wanted to say a couple things.

 

A) A cleaning person is NOT that expensive!!! Mine comes every 2 weeks for a couple hours and costs <$100 per month. I haven't cleaned a toilet or mopped in probably 5 years now. I don't make a lot of money, but I'm happy to cut out $75 a month elsewhere to have my house clean and also to eliminate the domestic disputes that usually come with cleaning. No way on earth will you have to wait five years! You don't need a maid, just someone to pop in every couple weeks.

 

2) If working is part of your identity, then it just is. I'm the same way... being unemployed makes me feel useless and horribly depressed. I want to use my education, use my skills, interact with other people in a professional setting, contribute to society, etc. This is not something your husband can demand of you. Especially now that your kids are going to both be in school full time! You are more than a wife and mother. A fulfilling career is what legions of women fought for over hundreds of years, and no one who loves you and respects you should ask you to give that up.

[Birdies]

I don't know...I kinda see them as the same people...I found it troubling that he demands another adult bend to his will, but also that she finds it a sacrifice to raise her kids.

 

This is ridiculous. Where is your outrage at him not raising the kids? Your sexist double-standard is pretty appalling.

[DKT3]

What about ages 13 and 9? That's how old the kids will be when he finally pays off what he owes and will begin to make more money. OP is supposed to quit her job at that point? She has to give in to his demands because that's what HE wants but what she wants has no bearing? That doesn't even make sense.

 

I can completely relate to the OP in this situation. There is no way I would EVER quit my job and sit at home relying on my husband to pay the bills. I would go absolutely nuts if I didn't have some purpose other than being "mom", "cook", "housekeeper". Besides all that, I've seen countless women who have chosen to do exactly that, give up their careers to raise the kids and be a housewife only to have the husband cheat and leave to be with a younger woman or die unexpectedly.... leaving the exwife with little to no career options due to age and lack of experience. There is no way I would ever expect any woman to subjugate her needs to satisfy her husbands desires for a built in nanny, cook and launderer. Not all women want to be in that role. OP made it very clear to her husband before they had children that this is not a role she would be comfortable with. Why is it ok that he is now demanding this from her?

 

OP, I can understand your desire to tell him to f off. I would feel the same way. As it stands, I do it all... work, pay all the bills, raise my child, keep the house clean, cook dinner, do the grocery/clothes shopping, keep my car in good running order, mow the lawn, take care of the garbage EVERYTHING. It's just me taking care of my child and I do it with minimal need for my child to be "raised" by others. He goes to school and he's at the babysitters for no more than an hour after school. The rest of the time he is with me. If I can do all that as a single mom then why is it so hard for the both of you to be able to shoulder the job of parenting your kids, maintain the house/vehicles, pay the bills and both have careers? It should be a shared job equally across the board. Neither one of you should have to make all the sacrifices and neither one should be doing all the work to parent and maintain the house. I always think of the "what if's" and try to make sure I have a back up plan whenever possible. Should the unexpected happen and you find yourself alone to raise your kids would you be able to do that easily if you didn't have a career?

 

The amount of people on here saying that they support the husband's position just blows my mind. Once kids start school, there is very little need for either parent to be sitting at home all day.

 

I would not say I support his position, I'm advocating for the children. If he wants her to stay home and it's really about the kids then he should be willing to do so as well. I think it falls to her because I'm guessing her salary isn't enough to support one sided f them before my home.

 

It's not like one needs to be an at home or part time me working parent for 18 years, but were exactly do the child's best interest play into any of this? What I see here is two adult Rams banging heads to flex power and using the kids as excuses. Him saying she need to stay home but I guessing that isn't the real reason, and her saying what does it teach the boys if she quits to raise them.....I'm it shows they are your priority.

[Birdies]

In case you missed it, I said it's not about traditional gender roles, it's about someone other then the parents ( which includes both) raising Thier kids.

 

Bottom line is everything has an opportunity cost, unfortunately it's normally the kids that lose in today's world.

 

OP has stated her career is low paying, so the need to work instead of raising the kids is really a selfish desire to gain validation and self worth.

 

Of course is an age thing, were he kids 15 & 17 I would say it ridiculous to suggest she stay home. No teenager needs a parent hoovering over them, but at 8 & 4 they do.

 

She'll be home in the mornings before they go to school, she'll be home at night when they're back from school. What 1950s reality do you live, seriously? How is this "the kids losing"? Decades upon decades of research show that there is no benefit to kids between having a stay-at-home parent versus two working parents... that loving, involved parents are what matters, not what they do with their time when the kids are at school. Additionally, there's a ton of research on the social and emotional benefits of day-care for younger kids whose parents work. I mean come on.

[DKT3]

She'll be home in the mornings before they go to school, she'll be home at night when they're back from school. What 1950s reality do you live, seriously? How is this "the kids losing"? Decades upon decades of research show that there is no benefit to kids between having a stay-at-home parent versus two working parents... that loving, involved parents are what matters, not what they do with their time when the kids are at school. Additionally, there's a ton of research on the social and emotional benefits of day-care for younger kids whose parents work. I mean come on.

 

Daycare helps to socialize​ young kids, true. But there was a nothing like a bond a with parents at that formative age.

[DKT3]

She'll be home in the mornings before they go to school, she'll be home at night when they're back from school. What 1950s reality do you live, seriously? How is this "the kids losing"? Decades upon decades of research show that there is no benefit to kids between having a stay-at-home parent versus two working parents... that loving, involved parents are what matters, not what they do with their time when the kids are at school. Additionally, there's a ton of research on the social and emotional benefits of day-care for younger kids whose parents work. I mean come on.

 

Disagree 100%... Actually Studies show that children with Sahm's are more successful on standardized testing, scoring roughly​ 15% higher.. They also have higher college graduation rates.

 

I agree that most importantly they have loving parents above all elses.

[elaine567]

The housekeeper solution seems reasonable, but if we've been doing everything ourselves to this point, and nothing has changed other than his salary, I don't see the point

 

The main thing that has changed is his mindset.

He doesn't want to be doing "women's work" any more, when he can have his good wife at home attending to all that stuff and all he needs to do is eat the lovely dinner that she spent the afternoon preparing for him.

 

Seems IME he is not alone. Many men once they reach a certain age or a certain status or acquire a willing wife, turn "traditional", even in 2017...