Ex Keeps Contacting Me, Why??

[Zahara]

If she sends you a text, ignore it. Don't feed her. If you want to heal and move on from this, keep up the boundary and look ahead.

 

Stay friends? Go out and make friends that you can hang out with, touch, see, engage, etc. She's not your friend.

 

If she asked you out again? She's halfway across the world! You've never even met.

 

First step with moving on -- take that person off the pedestal. You've placed her way up there. You need to stop romanticizing this and start focusing on reality.

[AlexM123]

Thank you! I wasn't planning on responding I know there's really nothing good that can come from that. Not really a big issue but sucks that we never got to fully try out dating. Who knows if we dated in real life how things would've worked out.

 

For the pedestal part, to get her off of it is that a thing that just takes time or just my mentality? I'm guessing the last sentence in the first paragraph is exactly what you're talking about with me putting her on a pedestal.

[jamili]

Thank you! I wasn't planning on responding I know there's really nothing good that can come from that. Not really a big issue but sucks that we never got to fully try out dating. Who knows if we dated in real life how things would've worked out.

 

For the pedestal part, to get her off of it is that a thing that just takes time or just my mentality? I'm guessing the last sentence in the first paragraph is exactly what you're talking about with me putting her on a pedestal.

 

It takes time, and honestly it takes meeting other women.

[Zahara]

Thank you! I wasn't planning on responding I know there's really nothing good that can come from that. Not really a big issue but sucks that we never got to fully try out dating. Who knows if we dated in real life how things would've worked out.

 

For the pedestal part, to get her off of it is that a thing that just takes time or just my mentality? I'm guessing the last sentence in the first paragraph is exactly what you're talking about with me putting her on a pedestal.

 

Not just time, but what you do with that time that makes a difference. You have to be proactive. When you start to romanticize her and what you had with her, step back and reset those thoughts with reality. Journaling is a good way to remind you of what was your truth. Start writing with fact. You want to reprogram those thoughts and replace them with reality. So when you start to romanticize her, don't sit there, mope and run/dwell with that fantasy thinking. The more you feed it, the longer you cling to that idealization. Change the pattern.

 

Go out and start meeting people. Join meet ups. Get to the gym. Find a volunteer group. You don't necessarily have to start dating but rather start to get out there and meet like minded people. Build your confidence. Make friends. The rest will fall into place.

[AlexM123]

Thanks Zahara At least I can say I feel I've been proactive during the breakup even though I'm not fully over it. My past heartbreaks I'd just sit and cry but now I'm still going to the basically everyday and my self esteem has definitely grown a little. Only issue is I still feel I'm going to kinda impress her/show her what she's missing and yes I'm making progress but don't know if that's delaying my progress? I should be doing this for myself not her. And both my jobs are social ones so I've already met new friends!

 

I've thought about journaling before although I kinda like to use LS as my journal And I'm not exactly looking for a relationship like I always have. I want to make sure I'm totally ready for one so it can have the best chance to succeed.. My self esteem and jealousy are my biggest issues so just working on those.

 

Also need to let something out. Still boggles my mind how in love/obsessed she was with me. I could argue she was even more into the relationship than me. My mind takes that as there's no way she can just lose those feelings forever. I'm sure that'll change with time but writing it down helps me realize things more.

[Zahara]

Still boggles my mind how in love/obsessed she was with me. I could argue she was even more into the relationship than me. My mind takes that as there's no way she can just lose those feelings forever. I'm sure that'll change with time but writing it down helps me realize things more.

 

There's nothing mind boggling about it.

 

This again is where you need to check in with reality. You both were "falling in love" with a virtual image you both created in your minds. It's very easy to get caught up in the beginnings of getting to know each other.

 

It's exciting, it's new and it's all these feelings of infatuation coursing through your veins. Six months later, the excitement wears off. She moves on. It is short lived. And it's only normal because it's hard enough to work on a relationship when two people are together, let alone long distance and having never met each other. The chances of what you had having any lasting power was probably little to none.

[AlexM123]

Thanks again! I'm sure you're right, I didn't know about the "honeymoon phase" until after the breakup and I'm sure that phase ran out for her. I'll even admit there were times where I wanted her to leave me alone for a little while. Today is definitely the best I've felt in awhile. Feel like even if she texted me wanting to get back together I'd either ignore or decline. Now that most the feelings are gone I'll admit the hardest part is still that she's one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever met. Don't want to date someone and be comparing them to her. But I'm positive that'll go away with time. I'm trying to put her behind me anyway.

 

So now my biggest worry is my future relationships. If an online one affected me so much I'm super nervous about a real life one. I'm torn between do I want to be some heartless guy who won't care about feelings. I know that's not who I am but it definitely beats getting my heart broken constantly. I'm naturally an emotional and lovey person, but how do I stay that way but not end up like this if I get broken up with?? I overthink too much btw

[AlexM123]

Well so far it's been an interesting birthday for me. Woke up from a dream that my ex texted me happy birthday, checked my phone as soon as I woke up and yup she texted me that in real life too! It was basically a generic happy birthday message so don't think any hidden feelings were in it. It didn't bother me too much just gave me some butterflies. Also feel a little guilty that I'm going to ignore her when she did something nice but I know that's the best thing to do. Definitely wish she wouldn't have texted me but oh well I'm going to try and not make this a big deal but I can tell I'm starting to THINK about responding. (I won't)

[jamili]

Well so far it's been an interesting birthday for me. Woke up from a dream that my ex texted me happy birthday, checked my phone as soon as I woke up and yup she texted me that in real life too! It was basically a generic happy birthday message so don't think any hidden feelings were in it. It didn't bother me too much just gave me some butterflies. Also feel a little guilty that I'm going to ignore her when she did something nice but I know that's the best thing to do. Definitely wish she wouldn't have texted me but oh well I'm going to try and not make this a big deal but I can tell I'm starting to THINK about responding. (I won't)

 

She will probably respect you more if you dont respond to that, as weird as that sounds. Never break NC for generic bday/holiday texts

[Zahara]

Well so far it's been an interesting birthday for me. Woke up from a dream that my ex texted me happy birthday, checked my phone as soon as I woke up and yup she texted me that in real life too! It was basically a generic happy birthday message so don't think any hidden feelings were in it. It didn't bother me too much just gave me some butterflies. Also feel a little guilty that I'm going to ignore her when she did something nice but I know that's the best thing to do. Definitely wish she wouldn't have texted me but oh well I'm going to try and not make this a big deal but I can tell I'm starting to THINK about responding. (I won't)

 

It took her nothing but 4 seconds to text you that so don't magnify it when it in the scheme of things she's done more harm to you than good. Let the day pass and move on.

 

Remember, don't feed her. And chances are, this is also her way of pulling on the leash to see if puppy dog is still there. Don't start something you know is going to be hard to finish.

[AlexM123]

Try to update this only when I need to but man today has been rough. Was doing great this morning and all went downhill. Was driving to the gym and while I was parked I looked at the car next to me and I saw a girl who looks very similar to my ex. Just lead to a mini emotional breakdown and haven't been the same since that happened. Seeing a girl who looks like her has been happening a lot to me the last few days, don't know why.

 

I get time heals everything but geez I hate having someone I've never met cause this much chaos in my life. She probably moved on from me in a few hours and I'm still getting upset over her. Feels like the only way I'll fully move on is to date someone else but 1) Don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet 2) Girls are my kryponite

 

What else can I do?? I've blocked her from instagram, didn't respond to her bday text and go to the gym on a daily basis. Definitely see improvement from weeks ago but she's still causing me trouble.

[Blanco]

At the risk of sounding callous, you've seen that girl who looks like your ex in person more times than you've seen your ex in person.

 

Look, my first LTR was actually started online back when that sort of thing was still viewed as creepy and suspect. So I get how you can attach yourself to someone you've never met. However, we eventually did meet and saw each other pretty frequently over the course of the relationship after that first meeting.

 

As others have said, your image of this girl is entirely based on the illusion she put forth. It wasn't really real. You will get better in time, but for now, it's more important to focus on your esteem issues and determine why they're so damaged that you allow yourself to "fall in love" with people you've never met.

[AlexM123]

At the risk of sounding callous, you've seen that girl who looks like your ex in person more times than you've seen your ex in person.

 

Look, my first LTR was actually started online back when that sort of thing was still viewed as creepy and suspect. So I get how you can attach yourself to someone you've never met. However, we eventually did meet and saw each other pretty frequently over the course of the relationship after that first meeting.

 

As others have said, your image of this girl is entirely based on the illusion she put forth. It wasn't really real. You will get better in time, but for now, it's more important to focus on your esteem issues and determine why they're so damaged that you allow yourself to "fall in love" with people you've never met.

 

Actually laughed reading that first part so thanks for that

 

Well I think I know I'm still hung up on the illusion of what she showed me. Someone earlier in this thread said somewhat the same thing that it's not normal to fall for someone I've never met. I 100% agree if I fixed my esteem and insecurity issues everything would change. Only problem is I have zero clue how to fix that. Just going off her looks I felt extremely lucky to date her, which I know is bad to think.

 

Basically most (if not all) of my issues are self inflicted. I define myself as emotionally weak so don't know if the gym will fix that. If only there was an easy way to love yourself.

[AlexM123]

Have had about 3-4 dreams about her in the last week, really sucks when I wake up from them. Is this normal when we haven't even talked in weeks??

 

Feel really weak every time I update this because I thought I'd be over this by now. Feels like I'm constantly taking 2 steps forward then 2 steps back. Guess just waiting is all I can do now.

[jamili]

Have had about 3-4 dreams about her in the last week, really sucks when I wake up from them. Is this normal when we haven't even talked in weeks??

 

Feel really weak every time I update this because I thought I'd be over this by now. Feels like I'm constantly taking 2 steps forward then 2 steps back. Guess just waiting is all I can do now.

 

I still have the dreams even 6 months later. Its normal , stay the course

[AlexM123]

I haven't updated this in awhile (which is a good thing) but not feeling it today. Had to cut the gym short today because just didn't feel motivated.

 

Woke up from a dream that we were together and I asked her if we can kiss and she said no, go figure lol. Tried to listen to love songs yesterday to see if I was ready and I'm still not 100% sure I am. Still trying to figure out how to get her off this crazy pedestal I put her on, that's basically the last obstacle in my life before I can be completely happy. Sad to say but most of the time I miss her it's just missing how physically attractive she was, the emotional connection was amazing too but that part has faded. I'm sure I'm overthinking and just overthinking and soon she'll be off this pedestal!

[AlexM123]

Need to vent a little as this thought has been creeping in my mind recently.

 

Haven't thought about this for a long time but was realizing what would I even do if she texted me wanting to get back together? I'll admit I regret that we never got to try things out in person because I feel we would be perfect in that case. But if she (for example) asked me out tomorrow then I'd have to wait a few years minimum to meet this girl. Seems like a pretty big waste of time for something not guaranteed but damn I really truly believe we'd be an amazing couple in person. I guess that's kinda why I wanted to TRY to be friends after, if she came to America I'm sure we wouldve dated even if we were friends.

 

Anyway just wanted to let that out since it's eating at my brain a little. Don't know if anyone would have advice for that issue? Maybe more time is all I need.

[Zahara]

Haven't thought about this for a long time but was realizing what would I even do if she texted me wanting to get back together? I'll admit I regret that we never got to try things out in person because I feel we would be perfect in that case. But if she (for example) asked me out tomorrow then I'd have to wait a few years minimum to meet this girl. Seems like a pretty big waste of time for something not guaranteed but damn I really truly believe we'd be an amazing couple in person. I guess that's kinda why I wanted to TRY to be friends after, if she came to America I'm sure we wouldve dated even if we were friends.

 

You're fantasizing. You hardly know this person. You know what you know over a computer screen. It's not realistic.

 

It's easy to romanticize. The fact is that you are teenagers, halfway across the world and she's already seeing other guys. Focus on that reality and do not let these thoughts drag you in circles.

[AlexM123]

You're fantasizing. You hardly know this person. You know what you know over a computer screen. It's not realistic.

 

It's easy to romanticize. The fact is that you are teenagers, halfway across the world and she's already seeing other guys. Focus on that reality and do not let these thoughts drag you in circles.

 

Thank youuu! Yes I know we don't know each other except over a screen but that kinda is what makes me wonder what could be in person. I just regret we never got to give it our all but oh well. I only think about those scenarios when I'm not busy. While I'm at work/gym/friends she literally never comes to mind. I think that's a good thing but I'd like to really never have her on my mind (don't know if that's realistic or not). So is this about me changing my mindset about the relationship or just giving it more time? Feel like I've tried to realize she was a fantasy and we don't even know each other but again I still have these thoughts!

[Blanco]

It's about giving it time but also differentiating your fantasy of what could have been with the reality of what actually was.

[AlexM123]

It's about giving it time but also differentiating your fantasy of what could have been with the reality of what actually was.

 

Thank you! Not sure exactly what you mean by that though. Who knows what could've been, she even told me she would still be with me if distance wasn't an issue. So I'd like to think there was at least a CHANCE of things working out in the future. Yes I know it ended up going the complete opposite route but I keep obsessing over what could've been if we would've met. I hate going through those type of scenarios in my head since pretty positive it'll never happen. "What ifs" are brutal. Hoping they go away soon. Thanks again

[Blanco]

It takes no real effort to say lots of things. How are you or anyone else going to refute her claims that if it weren't for distance, you'd still be together? You can't. It's win-win for her. She gets to extract herself from the "relationship" while saving face and blaming it entirely on the physical distance.

[AlexM123]

Wow that is a great point I've never thought about. I've been thinking it's only due to distance but for all I know she could just be an unfaithful person. Damn...

 

Well if I had to choose between erasing her from my memory or getting back together I'd choose erasing. Really all I want is to stop thinking about her completely or at least have no emotions whenever I think about the times we were together. It doesn't even make me depressed or cry anymore just a huge waste of mental energy having her on my mind. Highly doubt she ever thinks about me and here I am still trying to fully move on!

[AlexM123]

Welpppp she texted me this morning after a month NC Sent a screenshot of my instagram page and said "Since you clearly don't want me around, you could at least have the decency to make your own pfp dontcha think" (she made my pfp for me) I responded saying did you really just msg me about my profile pic?? She seemed mad that I blocked her and ignored her and I said I still care about her and all that but ended it with I still don't wanna be friends to which she just said "Yes ik that lol it's fine" and I said "Ok cool" and haven't talked since.

 

Hasn't made me depressed or anything but cmon who messages someone after a month of not talking just to talk about my profile pic??? I'm trying not to over analyze this but it's just so odd.

[Blanco]

Stop leaving yourself vulnerable to these acts of manipulation: Block her.