Ex Keeps Contacting Me, Why??

[Zahara]

So even though I know most will say forget about her due to the distance and age, what would be the best way to I guess one day get her to want to date me again?

 

There is no other advice for you other than to forget this and move on. You can't date when you're thousands of miles away and you can't date when she clearly isn't interested in you other than to keep you there as a source of attention. And trust me she's out there with other guys.

 

This obsession is clearly unhealthy.

[spiderowl]

I feel for you, honestly I do. I'm in a similar situation except not such long distance. It is possible to really bond with someone over the internet and via text/phone calls. I would not have thought it so before it happened to me. Even if you decide it is not a good idea to continue, there is still that 'what if?' and the desire on both sides to stay in touch. Then the bonding feels like it is more than just friendship. Yes, I know what it means!

 

In your situation, I would try to and get out and meet others instead. The distance involved is too great here. You are not even in the same country. The only alternative is for you to go there and maybe work there for a while and see how things go, but you would have to be prepared for a rejection. It would be better to visit and spend time with her before making any commitment to moving and working there, even for a short time.

 

But it is a huge upheaval for you. It is possible you will find someone you feel as drawn to in your own country, even if your own town, if you give yourself chance to meet them. I know it is really difficult to switch off that mental bonding switch, hellishly difficult, but the distance here makes it so much more difficult for you. I'm sorry you got caught up in this really; I know what it feels like.

[montie1]

It's funny. I was in your same situation. And you know what happened. I'd always answer. Always respond. For over a year I did it. She dumped me and it hurt very much. Everything she did after that made it all worst. Talking and flirting with guys. Then every month she would message me sometimes for the stupidest things. Just to strike a conversation.

 

And you know what it led to. It led to me wasting the entire 2015 and 2016 behind her. Incapable of having a life and living. Always emotionally drained and thinking hey maybe she wants me back. Why does she always contact me. She misses me? She's thinking of trying again. This girl had me on cliffs edge man. Talking and throwing around words of reconciliation. Telling me about things trying to get me jealous.

 

It was horrible. I just looked between my legs. And grabbed those things. Lol not literally. Went cold on her a every time she messged. And I'm sure she got the idea. Haven't heard from her in 2017. And I'm very happy about that. I don't think about her or us. That's the past where it should be.

 

So what I'm getting at. Where you are at right now is a difficult spot. You might not listen to any of us and continue speaking to her. But your just prolonging pain and dissapointment.

 

If I were you I'd end it. Say you enjoyed speaking with her. You wish her nothing but the best but you want to move on. Wish her happiness and end it there.

[AlexM123]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

Been really up and down the last few hours. One moment I feel fine being friends with her the next I'm almost in tears. Like Zahara said this is probably unhealthy I just never looked at it like that just thought I was crazy in love. I've never been the one to end a friendship or relationship so saying officially goodbye is heartbreaking to me.

 

But either today or tomorrow I'm sure I'll do it and I'll have to start NC for the 100th time. Don't know what'll happen in the future but not looking forward to having to stop talking again. Ugghh really hate the fact if distance wasn't an issue who knows how good our relationship could be. Think it's just time to move on and forget about her once and for all even though that thought sucks.

[AlexM123]

Kinda need to vent everyone. Yesterday I basically told her being friends is pointless and she was still trying to convince me to be friends because she doesn't want me disappearing from her life etc... Was a pretty emotional conversation and I have to decide today whether to stay friends or leave and most likely not talk ever again. Pretty sure I'm going to decide to leave but this time I don't think she'll end up ever texting me so it hurts a lot more.

 

Also should say I feel like if we never talk again the whole blame is on my shoulders. I couldn't handle being friends and that ended our whole relationship. Just sucks all around, I don't want to give up on this but also don't know if being friends for 3-5 years is worth it.

 

Only somewhat bright note is maybe after a few months of not talking I'll feel ready and we can be friends again without any issue. Thanks for letting me release my emotions LS it helps a lot! Feel a little better already

[Zahara]

Kinda need to vent everyone. Yesterday I basically told her being friends is pointless and she was still trying to convince me to be friends because she doesn't want me disappearing from her life etc... Was a pretty emotional conversation and I have to decide today whether to stay friends or leave and most likely not talk ever again. Pretty sure I'm going to decide to leave but this time I don't think she'll end up ever texting me so it hurts a lot more.

 

Also should say I feel like if we never talk again the whole blame is on my shoulders. I couldn't handle being friends and that ended our whole relationship. Just sucks all around, I don't want to give up on this but also don't know if being friends for 3-5 years is worth it.

 

Only somewhat bright note is maybe after a few months of not talking I'll feel ready and we can be friends again without any issue. Thanks for letting me release my emotions LS it helps a lot! Feel a little better already

 

Alex, I do not want trivialize what you feel or sound condescending. I understand when you're deep in emotions, it's hard to find any sort of clarity.

 

This woman is thousands of miles away from you. If you want a friend, go out and make friends. You have a virtual relationship. She is out with another guy and is likely seeing other guys as well. She wants to be friends because she likes the attention you give her.

 

You want to cultivate real friendships, then do so with those that have your best interest at heart. She is looking out for herself. She has less of an emotional investment in this than you do so step away, focus on YOU, LOVE yourself enough to want to protect YOU from further hurt.

 

And yes, in a few months you may not even have interest in her anymore. The problem with you is that you have made this woman your entire focus and completely abandoned reality. Go out and meet people. Start dating. Get into activities.

 

Friends for 3-5 years? That's ludicrous. You don't even know what you're going to do this weekend and you're off contemplating what half a decade is going to entail.

[AlexM123]

Alex, I do not want trivialize what you feel or sound condescending. I understand when you're deep in emotions, it's hard to find any sort of clarity.

 

This woman is thousands of miles away from you. If you want a friend, go out and make friends. You have a virtual relationship. She is out with another guy and is likely seeing other guys as well. She wants to be friends because she likes the attention you give her.

 

You want to cultivate real friendships, then do so with those that have your best interest at heart. She is looking out for herself. She has less of an emotional investment in this than you do so step away, focus on YOU, LOVE yourself enough to want to protect YOU from further hurt.

 

And yes, in a few months you may not even have interest in her anymore. The problem with you is that you have made this woman your entire focus and completely abandoned reality. Go out and meet people. Start dating. Get into activities.

 

Friends for 3-5 years? That's ludicrous. You don't even know what you're going to do this weekend and you're off contemplating what half a decade is going to entail.

 

Wow thank you for this! When I read it my whole thoughts about staying friends pretty much vanished. Just got home from the gym and not doing so good so thought I'd let out how I'm feeling. She hasn't texted me at all today so I'm basically waiting so I can tell her I can't be friends. Two things I've been realizing the last half hour or so.

 

1) I know this is a stupid and probably childish way of thinking, but I'm feeling like the hardest part of leaving is that she's definitely the most attractive girl I've ever talked to. Don't think I'd ever find someone this attractive who actually found me attractive as well.

 

2) Really really scared of how I'll be feeling once we stop talking. Will it be worse than when we broke up? When that happened I called the suicide hotline almost everyday and am terrified I'll feel that way again. Maybe I'm being dumb since each time I've gone NC after a week I feel a lot better but I was positive she'd come back (she did everytime) and this time she's basically said she won't do a ldr anymore and she won't message me. So it'll be the end most likely.

 

Feel pretty stupid that this causes me so much pain tbh. Every time I've cried the last month has only been because of this. Feel terrible right now and not too hopeful for the future. Only thing that helps is when I let out my feelings and talk about it with someone. (Appreciation for Zahara). Don't have too many other ppl I can talk about this with just hoping the pain goes away quick.

[Zahara]

She hasn't texted me at all today so I'm basically waiting so I can tell her I can't be friends. Two things I've been realizing the last half hour or so.

 

One of the reasons why she has this power over you is because you have given all of yours to her. Waiting to tell her that you can't be friends? Text: I can't be friends. I need to heal and will need NC. Done. Please find some courage and self-respect.

 

1) I know this is a stupid and probably childish way of thinking, but I'm feeling like the hardest part of leaving is that she's definitely the most attractive girl I've ever talked to. Don't think I'd ever find someone this attractive who actually found me attractive as well.

 

You're 19. Once you've lived your entire life, then at your last breath, you can say that if it be true but until then, words like never, ever are words that limit yourself. There's going to come a time when you're wiser and mature and you'll realize that there's more to seeking a partner than just the external. And your comment also depicts how you see yourself. Know your value. I don't think you do.

 

 

2) Really really scared of how I'll be feeling once we stop talking. Will it be worse than when we broke up? When that happened I called the suicide hotline almost everyday and am terrified I'll feel that way again. Maybe I'm being dumb since each time I've gone NC after a week I feel a lot better but I was positive she'd come back (she did everytime) and this time she's basically said she won't do a ldr anymore and she won't message me. So it'll be the end most likely.

 

Everyone feels pain after detaching from someone they are emotionally attached to and that's normal. Sticking to her because you're afraid to face that pain only leaves you sitting in a dark hole indefinitely. Face it, embrace it and grow from it. It's terrifying but just like most of us, it won't always stay that way.

 

Feel pretty stupid that this causes me so much pain tbh. Every time I've cried the last month has only been because of this. Feel terrible right now and not too hopeful for the future. Only thing that helps is when I let out my feelings and talk about it with someone. (Appreciation for Zahara). Don't have too many other ppl I can talk about this with just hoping the pain goes away quick.

 

Your whole future isn't dependent on some woman you had a virtual connection with over a computer for 6 months. You have to realize you are much more valuable than that. You want the pain to go away, block and go NC. You are like an addict. The best way to get over that addiction is to go cold turkey to get over your withdrawals.

[AlexM123]

One of the reasons why she has this power over you is because you have given all of yours to her. Waiting to tell her that you can't be friends? Text: I can't be friends. I need to heal and will need NC. Done. Please find some courage and self-respect.

 

 

 

You're 19. Once you've lived your entire life, then at your last breath, you can say that if it be true but until then, words like never, ever are words that limit yourself. There's going to come a time when you're wiser and mature and you'll realize that there's more to seeking a partner than just the external. And your comment also depicts how you see yourself. Know your value. I don't think you do.

 

 

 

 

Everyone feels pain after detaching from someone they are emotionally attached to and that's normal. Sticking to her because you're afraid to face that pain only leaves you sitting in a dark hole indefinitely. Face it, embrace it and grow from it. It's terrifying but just like most of us, it won't always stay that way.

 

 

 

Your whole future isn't dependent on some woman you had a virtual connection with over a computer for 6 months. You have to realize you are much more valuable than that. You want the pain to go away, block and go NC. You are like an addict. The best way to get over that addiction is to go cold turkey to get over your withdrawals.

 

Again thank you! I'll admit this is basically an addiction, when I see a text from her my eyes light up and I feel much better. Then 2 minutes go by and I remember we're broken up.

 

We've texted the last 30 minutes and I actually decided to not respond to her text. I don't plan on ever responding to it but the urge to text back is incredible. I feel guilty leaving her hanging but don't think she deserves to have any closure after all she's done.

 

Was this a right or wrong thing to do? I've never had to do this before so I get I could've just went along and both said our goodbyes but that would've probably hurt even more.

[Zahara]

I actually decided to not respond to her text. I don't plan on ever responding to it but the urge to text back is incredible. I feel guilty leaving her hanging but don't think she deserves to have any closure after all she's done.

 

Alex, you've been crying the past month over her. Do you think she's doing the same thing? No. She'll live and she'll move on to the guy that she's currently with and you will move on from her. You have to block because I have to guarantee you will at some point cave again. And then back in the dark rabbit hole you will go.

 

Go dark. At this point do whatever you need for your own self-preservation. Telling her you can't be friends/goodbyes will likely have her roping you back in again.

[AlexM123]

Alex, you've been crying the past month over her. Do you think she's doing the same thing? No. She'll live and she'll move on to the guy that she's currently with and you will move on from her. You have to block because I have to guarantee you will at some point cave again. And then back in the dark rabbit hole you will go.

 

Go dark. At this point do whatever you need for your own self-preservation. Telling her you can't be friends/goodbyes will likely have her roping you back in again.

 

No and I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't shed a tear over the last month which hurts. Also yesterday she basically told me she a reason she texts me is her boyfriend doesn't reply to her. That kinda got me angry.

 

I deleted her number and the convo so i couldn't really text her if I wanted to. (Technically could but I'd have to download an old texting app we used). I just want to stay disciplined and not break down one day and contact her. Been feeling a lot better the last few hours than I thought so I'm happy about that.

[Chi townD]

You are a guy that has way too much time on his hands.

 

Dude, all you were was really intense penpals! You've never physically been in her presence. You've never kissed her, you've never been intimate with her...hell, you've never even held her hand!

 

So, why is she constantly breaking NC? Because she's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there! She wants you around for the attention. Here's the deal. She has her boyfriend there to take care of her physical needs and she has you to take care of her emotional needs. you've probably noticed that anytime she feels you pulling away, she reels you back in with some flirting. And when she has you back in (knows the dog is still on the leash) she goes back to one to two world responses. She has the best of both worlds! But, how is that remotely fair to you? You need to start NC and stay there. Delete her off your phone and lose her email. Time to get your life back. Remember, she made the choice to break up with you, that wasn't what you wanted. A couple of days later she's dating someone else? News Flash, she was already dating him, she didn't break up with you until she wanted to make their relationship public. She's playing games with you dude! Stop playing the game!

 

So, if you're shy, you need to get new hobbies. All hobbies usually have clubs you can join with people that have a shared interest! That will force you out into the world and meeting new people. So, join a running club, or a cycling club, take dive lessons, co-ed sports like softball or whatever! Get out and get moving!

[AlexM123]

Thank you for that response! Appreciate that insight think I was in denial she could do all of that to me but that looks the case.

 

She's seriously making me upset/angry though. I was randomly driving home about 20 minutes ago and of course she sends me a text asking if I'm okay since I didn't respond yesterday. I said yea and kept it short. Then just insisted there's no future with us rn and maybe in the future. Things got pretty aggressive and I said I don't want you back and she responded "You think I'm going to believe that pffttt lmaoooo I know u want me back" and sent one right after saying "Ok bye Mr. Idontwannabefriends" and I said bye. That all happened within the last half hour.

 

So safe to say we won't be contacting each other in the future (I hope so). Proud that I stood up for myself but hoping I don't regret this.

[marky00]

Thank you for that response! Appreciate that insight think I was in denial she could do all of that to me but that looks the case.

 

She's seriously making me upset/angry though. I was randomly driving home about 20 minutes ago and of course she sends me a text asking if I'm okay since I didn't respond yesterday. I said yea and kept it short. Then just insisted there's no future with us rn and maybe in the future. Things got pretty aggressive and I said I don't want you back and she responded "You think I'm going to believe that pffttt lmaoooo I know u want me back" and sent one right after saying "Ok bye Mr. Idontwannabefriends" and I said bye. That all happened within the last half hour.

 

So safe to say we won't be contacting each other in the future (I hope so). Proud that I stood up for myself but hoping I don't regret this.

 

 

LOL

 

 

Sorry man but this made me laugh hard.

 

 

Look, the way she is talking, she hasn't lost total respect for you YET. The fact she is flirting with you (albeit in a very sinister way) is proof of that.

 

 

I think that was a pretty funny, flirtatious, ego-contest conversation.

 

 

I would say now you must go hard No Contact and ignore anything that isn't worthy of a response.

 

 

DO NOT REPLY TO BREADCRUMBS

 

 

some examples:

 

 

"hey"

"how have you been"

"I miss you"

"I've been thinking about you".

 

 

It's time for you to do this now. It's a win-win situation when you go NC. You get to heal and it's the only way this girl MIGHT come back.

 

 

If you get something more than a breadcrumb, post ON LS and we will tell you if you should respond.

[dumbass2]

Please, for the love of god, stop replying to this girl. She knows she's got you right where she wants you. You are her plaything now. When she's not getting attention elsewhere, she comes and plays with you. Just stop already.

[mightycpa]

LDR's are for people who are 90, not 19.

 

At your age, you should be hugging and kissing and squeezing, pretty much every day. Frankly, you might as well be hung up on a television character on a show.

 

I know it feels bad to you, but I'd like for you to think about something. Think about this idea that you can become attached to someone who you've never really met. This is not a genuine human connection - this is your brain excreting chemicals that make you feel this way because your brain is ready to feel like that for someone. You are primed, all you need is a nice girl to lavish your affections upon. There is nothing like it in the world. You need to find a real one.

 

Your girl has. She went through the same exact thing and she took some action. Take a lesson from her lead. Don't get left behind.

[AlexM123]

Don't want quote each and make this long so I'll reply each separately!

 

To the 1st Comment:

Hmm well this is an interesting take on things, I took it as the complete opposite of flirting tbh. I thought she pretty much hated me at that point haha so your post was a real shock to read. Could be true for all I know though.

 

To the 2nd comment:

Well after that conversation yesterday don't think she'll ever contact me again. Although she's came back every single time in the past so wouldn't surprise me if she did time but we haven't argued like that in ages. Only time I can see her contacting me is either to wish me happy birthday in a few weeks or if her relationship ends and she hopes I'll be here to pick up the pieces.

 

To the 3rd comment:

Hmm I can say I've never really given that much thought. Believe it or not this isn't the first (or second or third or fourth) time I've fell in "love" with someone online but this one was definitely the most intense. Don't know why I catch feelings so fast, I've literally became in "love" with a girl online a few day after texting. You're definitely right on the primed part, for the last year or two all I've wanted to do was find my potential wife and settle down so maybe that's why i get attached too quickly. I'm an odd 19 year old

Edited March 22, 2017 by AlexM123

[AlexM123]

Been having ups and downs since we've last talked. Definitely nowhere near as bad as the breakup but feels a little worse than when I've went into NC. Few thoughts going through my head that aren't helping...

 

1) Although I've went NC before, it felt good/ego boost knowing in the back of my head she'll miss me and contact me. Having a hard time with this since I have no reason to think she'll contact me.

 

2) Having what I assume are the normal "what ifs" a lot today. What if we talked on the phone more? What if I was less insecure and jealous? Who knows

 

3) This is going to be a weird one I think. But only positive is since we've broken up I've gone to the gym almost everyday and have lost about 10lbs. Even though she called me attractive I'm wondering what if she saw me at my best? Maybe right now I'd be even more attractive to her and she would've stayed.

 

With all that said, I still plan on never contacting her. She's from London so yesterday after hearing about the terror attacks I wished her well but was nothing more. Luckily she didn't respond. There's been a lot of great advice here but if anyone can sort of remind/encourage me to not contact and forget about her it would really help! Thanks again everyone

[Zahara]

1) Although I've went NC before, it felt good/ego boost knowing in the back of my head she'll miss me and contact me. Having a hard time with this since I have no reason to think she'll contact me.

 

She doesn't miss you. She missed the ego boost your attention gives her.

 

2) Having what I assume are the normal "what ifs" a lot today. What if we talked on the phone more? What if I was less insecure and jealous? Who knows

 

All irrelevant. Relationships are hard enough then you add halfway across the world into the mix. The chances of this succeeding slim to none.

 

3) This is going to be a weird one I think. But only positive is since we've broken up I've gone to the gym almost everyday and have lost about 10lbs. Even though she called me attractive I'm wondering what if she saw me at my best? Maybe right now I'd be even more attractive to her and she would've stayed.

 

Stayed? Over the computer? Aim higher for yourself.

[ML Hammer95]

As other people have said, you are worth so much more than this mate. I think if you get yourself out there, keep busy you'll have less time to ruminate on this girl. And who knows, you may make some connections and end up meeting someone! From the sound of your posts, you fall for girls quite quickly because of your lack of experience (I was the same a few years ago) so when you find someone else I think this online girl will fade almost instantly!

 

I don't want to downplay your feelings and I know from experience you can fall for someone over text or Snapchat or whatever but when you find a girl you can actually be with it'll seem 100% better trust me. No contact is the best thing but be disciplined and if you think you'll be tempted block everything!

[AlexM123]

Both of you are right! Been tempted to vent the last few days but as soon as I came on this website I would feel better immediately. Weird how that works out but definitely happy about that. Think now is the time for me to vent although.

 

Last few days have definitely been an improvement from the first few. Haven't really gotten depressed or cried just those moments of sadness which I expect. But have noticed the things that are bothering me are things that didn't seem to bother me at all during the previous NC attempts. The fact she probably is doing everything we talked about doing with her new boyfriend is definitely bugging me now. Also the fact she had a ton of guys practically obsessed with her even while we were dating. So sucks she can move on 100x faster than me. Still wish we coulda ended things on a better note also.

 

But with all those things happening, feel pretty strong that I'll be able to resist contacting her forever but kinda need some clarification. Sometimes on here I'll see advice on after a few months the dumpee should contact the dumper to maybe reconcile. Now I definitely don't want to do that but seeing that kinda makes me wonder if that's what I'm supposed to do. Not sure exactly. Hopefully I'll barely even think about her in a few months (hopefully few weeks). Well think that's all I had to say. Rant over!

[AlexM123]

Haven't update this in awhile. So far things are going great! Feeling better each day which I'm happy about. Today was the first day I woke up and wasn't sad so knew that was a huge accomplishment. Still not 100% over it, she's still on my mind a lot of the day but guessing that'll just take more time? Also can tell deep down I'm telling myself I doubt we'll never talk again which by reading many threads here that holding onto hope delays the process much longer.

 

Also might sound crazy but this is kinda the first time in about 9 months I'll be going about my day without feeling in love with her. It just feels weird if that makes sense. Like I don't remember the last time I had this feeling so don't know how to handle it. But I'll just keep doing what I usually do and hoping more time will get rid of those feelings too. Thanks again everyone who helped me on here! Wish I would've found LS a lot sooner.

[jamili]

Things got pretty aggressive and I said I don't want you back and she responded "You think I'm going to believe that pffttt lmaoooo I know u want me back" and sent one right after saying "Ok bye Mr. Idontwannabefriends" and I said bye. That all happened within the last half hour.

 

So safe to say we won't be contacting each other in the future (I hope so). Proud that I stood up for myself but hoping I don't regret this.

 

Damn, what she said is painful. She's pretty much admitting to what everyone on LS warms the ex is reaching out for - an ego boost! She is actually laughing at you for having you in her pocket. Cold. As. Ice.

 

You did the RIGHT thing sticking to your guns with this one. Call her bet, and show you her DONT want her back and challenege her ego. She thinks you are pining for her, probably lost attraction for you due to this. Hopefully in time with you proving you werent #$%^ing around will teach her something about you- that you aren't her little puppy bit%$

[AlexM123]

Yea that was brutal. Oddly enough probably not the worst she's said. Before when I tried to go NC I told her you can still message me if you really need me and she said "Well why would I ever need you when I have friends in real life I can go to when I need help :("... She's a teenager as well so guess I don't expect her to handle everything maturely.

 

Seems that still the biggest thing bothering me is that hope in the back of my head. I just went on my instagram and her page came up in suggested people. She hasn't been on it in over a month and I'm sure she doesn't even use it anymore. I could easily block it and not risk seeing it anymore but when I think about it I start thinking "Maybe in the future if she tries to reach out to me she'll message me on here".... it's pretty stupid I know but guess I haven't gone through what most people would say the phase/mentality where I'm 100% sure we're over FOR GOOD. Probably just need more time it hasn't even been 2 weeks of NC. But still proud of all the progress I've made!!

[AlexM123]

Felt like I needed to let this out.... Still doing pretty good but one thing has been bothering me a lot lately. It's my birthday on Saturday and have no clue if she'll text me or not. I deleted her number before I remembered to block it so kinda out of luck on that. Just super anxious and fearful to see her number pop up and have all my progress go away. Pretty sure everyone here would say not to respond to whatever she says if she does? I feel a lot better about everything and even though I somewhat believe I can stay friends with her I've kinda realized it's pointless. Heck even been thinking if she asked me out again it would still be pointless.

 

Anyway just hoping she doesn't text me since after Saturday I'd have zero expectations of her ever contacting me and can fully move her out of my mind. And again thanks to everyone has helped me!! Don't think I could've done it without LS.