My ex is seeing a new girl and im so upset lol [UPDATE: Should I contact my ex?]

[Imajerk17]

I just want him to forgive me. He's being such a stubborn ***. I'm not dating at present. Thanks.

 

Well what if he doesn't WANT to forgive you. That is quite his right. Frankly I don't blame him one bit, and your hassling him is NOT helping your cause. You are also stopping YOURSELF from healing and moving on too.

 

You're in the wrong here OP. You need to let this go.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Blanco]

Do you think he's intentionally being dramatic because he likes it? I just wanna be cool with him again.

 

Truth be told, he's not the one creating the drama. I don't blame him for not really wanting anything to do with you. You played hot and cold with him, ultimately dumping him twice, and only showing reignited interest in him when you thought you could not have him.

 

I know you're not a bad person, but you have shown yourself to be selfish as it relates to him.

 

I don't think he's playing hard to get or looking to drag you along. He just wants to go about his life and leave you as part of his past.

 

You feel guilt, which isn't surprising. But this is likely to be one of those things where you just have to take your lumps and understand this is a tough lesson where the resolution doesn't involve him ever wanting to be "OK" with you again.

[Cookiesandough]

Eh, been a while since I've been on this site. Been reading a few threads, and this was an interesting one.

 

I have read this thread through, and something I don't remember seeing (it's fairly long) is that there simply isn't any trust between the two of you.

 

No trust makes this situation the toxic mess that it has become. And, of course, you need to really take responsibility for your part in that.

 

He doesn't trust you. This is because you have dumped him twice. And, don't think he is ignorant enough to not get a sense for your motivation for wanting him back.

 

The problem is that he has probably passed the stage of getting over you. And it would be a big backwards step in his life. He seeks some kind of reassurance that it won't be the same old, same old.

 

You don't trust him either. You are convinced that he will have "revenge sex" with you. Or just turn you into a friends with benefits. You require him to completely drop any girls he is seeing, and commit. Though, he won't do that because he doesn't trust you either.

 

It's a stand-off. One of you needs to compromise your security for the other. Naturally, you think it should be him. And he thinks it should be you.

 

Thank you for taking the time to contribute. Great points. I think you are spot on about the trust being obliterated. Nothing good can come without it, even a friendship, and it's unsalvagable. I guess he was more aware of that than I was. I didn't mean to annoy him::

 

Thank you, Bastille and everyone

[curiouslysearching]

Just be happy look forward to your next

relationship

[Cookiesandough]

New convo with ex :

 

Me: it's not a trap. I'm done with games

 

Me: I just wanted to tell u that it wasn't true I got angry because I thought u were playing some girl W me

 

Me: it's not an excuse. I just think you are so sexy

 

Him: How am I supposed to believe you?

 

Me: I'm not playing games because I'm learning and trying tonbrva better person.?part of that is respecting that I can't get in good with you unless you want it and to stop bugging you if you don't. Is it true that you do not want it?

 

Me: I could prove it to you

 

Him: How?

 

Me: Time and consistency. What do you think?

 

Him; Still pretty leery

 

 

So what do you guys think??? Do I have a shot? Is it still true he wants me to leave him alone? I'm so confused

[amaysngrace]

If he's leery then you should just wish him well and say good-bye.

 

What does he need from you? Begging?

 

You apologized and owned your part and that's really all you can do. And really all you should do.

 

Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge to ever get back to where it once was. I've found that if it was ever truly that great it never would have ever gotten that bad.

 

You won't realize that until something better comes along though.

[curiouslysearching]

If he's leery then you should just wish him well and say good-bye.

 

What does he need from you? Begging?

 

You apologized and owned your part and that's really all you can do. And really all you should do.

 

Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge to ever get back to where it once was. I've found that if it was ever truly that great it never would have ever gotten that bad.

 

You won't realize that until something better comes along though.

 

 

But what if your love Is NOT yet water ? under bridge??

[amaysngrace]

But what if your love Is NOT yet water ? under bridge??

 

I'm not talking about love....I'm talking about a bad relationship. If he is leery then it couldn't have been wonderful.

 

I think he probably got hurt bad.

[Bastile]

What does he need from you? Begging?

 

Some time to get things through his head would be a good start. Don't smother him so much.

 

Stay sincere much like that last message exchange. That is part of the compromise you will have to make - no more game playing, and no more "lashing out". There's no need to either, he's already attracted and invested. It's some stability that he really needs from you.

 

His part of the compromise would be dropping wherever he currently is in life (with his mindset, with other women, with whatever) in order to take another chance on you.

 

I would suggest that you give him some small breathing space here and there, rather than pushing his boundaries hard. Be patient, and keep things on a sincere level when you communicate. Might not work out still, but that's your likely your best bet.

[Bastile]

I would suggest that you give him some small breathing space here and there, rather than pushing his boundaries hard.

 

I would like to change that to: "rather than push his boundaries hard every day".

 

Naturally, you will need to push his boundaries a bit, but patiently. Less of getting in a strop and lashing out.

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Cookiesandough]

But what if your love Is NOT yet water �� under bridge??

 

Yes. I love him. Ty ����

 

I would like to change that to: "rather than push his boundaries hard every day".

 

Naturally, you will need to push his boundaries a bit, but patiently. Less of getting in a strop and lashing out.

 

 

Ty for advice. I will try my best

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bastile]

Yes. I love him. Ty ����

 

 

 

Ty for advice. I will try my best

 

You're welcome. Far too much doom and gloom around.

 

I'm a firm believer that dating is one big part of our lives that can make us much better people.

 

I get that you talk about games, and game playing in this thread. And I'm adept at playing them myself.

 

All that energy needs to be focused in a more positive way. That's all.

 

Good luck with everything.

[PegNosePete]

I'm so confused

Well I'll remind you of what you wrote a few pages back:

 

But gotta let go. Yea he's (turned) a bit nutty and yea he wasn't the nicest person to me and no I'm not completely blameless and no we were never right for each other. I shouldn't even have this info. Move on, girl. Hope he has a nice life.

I fully agree with and support your own advice to yourself. Let him go. This relationship is over.

[jamili]

He broke text NC last night. I texted him A LOT "can I just apologize since we'll never talk again"

 

He said "Are you serious?"

 

And I said "just want to explain myself I'm sorry, I got mad, just say you'll forgive me and I'll leave you alone "

 

He said "nope. Anyone who tries to cut deep and say hurtful things to someone just because their "feelings" got hurt is a ****ty person in my eyes. Sorry. "

 

I'm like" I agree. Though you were trying to cheat on your girl with me. I have low tolerance for cheaters

 

Him; I'm not a cheater. I wasn't with you or anyone else at the time"

 

Me: "You told me you had a girl. And I saw pics on FB"

 

Him: "I didn't have a girl"

 

Me: You were just trying to get rid of me then. I know that now, I guess. I didn't then. You know that's not a habit for me. I know you're not attracted to me, it's not about that. Can we just hang out?

 

Him: I'm not falling for your traps anymore

 

 

 

What traps?? Do you believe he really didn't have a girl? What can I say now to get him to come around. Ugghh

 

So much for keeping NC.

 

C'mon.. you have been on this site long enough to know that responding to their texts= breaking NC.

 

Whether HE broke NC or not is irrelevant... YOU broke NC by responding. You need to go NC forever, you arent understand that. I dont care what he texts you... you are to ignore it and NOT reply. You need a lotttttt of NC here to clear your mind.

[William]

Folks, had to do a bit of house cleaning on this one.

 

For those that haven't heard from me already lets remember that our Community Guidelines regarding civility and respect are in effect on all threads on Loveshack.

 

Let's keep in mind that the idea here is always to help. If you do not have something helpful or constructive to add then feel free to move on to another thread ~T

Edited May 17, 2017 by William

[Cookiesandough]

I would like to change that to: "rather than push his boundaries hard every day".

 

Naturally, you will need to push his boundaries a bit, but patiently. Less of getting in a strop and lashing out.

 

Bastille, are you still around? I'm just wondering. I sent him a pic of me and told him to enjoy the rest of his night. He was typing "..." then he stopped and has not responded. What would you do in this case? Should I talk to him later today or would that be pushing it? Should I give him a day??

[amaysngrace]

I know that you didn't ask me but I'd wait for him to contact you since the next move seems to be his to make.

[Cookiesandough]

I know that you didn't ask me but I'd wait for him to contact you since the next move seems to be his to make.

 

Thank you

[anika99]

So much for keeping NC.

 

C'mon.. you have been on this site long enough to know that responding to their texts= breaking NC.

 

Whether HE broke NC or not is irrelevant... YOU broke NC by responding. You need to go NC forever, you arent understand that. I dont care what he texts you... you are to ignore it and NOT reply. You need a lotttttt of NC here to clear your mind.

 

She wasn't responding to his texts, he was responding to hers. She was bombarding him with texts and he eventually answered, so he didn't break NC, she did.

 

OP you are still playing games with this guy. Your fragile ego can't handle rejection or being ignored. You think you love him but it's only because he seems out of your reach but as soon as you get him back you will just dump him again. Poor guy. Guess he's going to have to learn his lessons the hard way.

[Bastile]

Bastille, are you still around? I'm just wondering. I sent him a pic of me and told him to enjoy the rest of his night. He was typing "..." then he stopped and has not responded. What would you do in this case? Should I talk to him later today or would that be pushing it? Should I give him a day??

 

You are still playing the same old game...

 

You are trying to override his (justified) reservations with attraction.

 

The reason I felt like discussing this is because I saw extremes. I saw a girl that was expressing herself in detrimental ways. And I saw others talking about bpd and therapy (which I find reprehensible - and probably part of why so many women in America are sadly living on psychiatric drugs.).

 

No balance. Just indulgence or avoidance.

 

There is just simply a better way to express yourself.

 

So, ask yourself sincerely, why did you send him that? I'm seriously telling you that it isn't required at all. Is this something that you use as a crutch? Time to stop that.

 

As for small details, yeah of course leave it a day or two. I said don't smother him. Then go for more comfortable chat. Don't even bring up getting back together, and have no pressure over the conversation at all.

 

Zoom out and have perspective. Regardless of outcome, there is so much to be learnt here for self-development. The irony (which is so often the case with us all) is that the requirements of the set coincide with the self-improvement that we need to make as human beings.

[Cookiesandough]

You are still playing the same old game...

 

You are trying to override his (justified) reservations with attraction.

 

The reason I felt like discussing this is because I saw extremes. I saw a girl that was expressing herself in detrimental ways. And I saw others talking about bpd and therapy (which I find reprehensible - and probably part of why so many women in America are sadly living on psychiatric drugs.).

 

No balance. Just indulgence or avoidance.

 

There is just simply a better way to express yourself.

 

So, ask yourself sincerely, why did you send him that? I'm seriously telling you that it isn't required at all. Is this something that you use as a crutch? Time to stop that.

 

As for small details, yeah of course leave it a day or two. I said don't smother him. Then go for more comfortable chat. Don't even bring up getting back together, and have no pressure over the conversation at all.

 

Zoom out and have perspective. Regardless of outcome, there is so much to be learnt here for self-development. The irony (which is so often the case with us all) is that the requirements of the set coincide with the self-improvement that we need to make as human beings.

 

Tysm. Solid advice. We are back together again!!!!(tentatively) You were right. Thanks. I've said it before -I really do appreciate all perspectives on here, (even the armchair psychology), but yea, I don't hop on that "you need therapy and medication because you've displayed some less-than-ideal behavior" bandwagon. Many people have been depressed, many people have become angry, many people have acted selfishly, impulsively, done things that fall under bps diagnostic criteria in a relationship or during a breakup where emotions run high. That doesn't mean it's a reoccurring thing for them. People make mistakes. I think the theme here is breakups are forever, don't try, don't forgive, and move on. I don't always agree with that. In some cases, trust can be rebuilt, people learn from their mistakes, and both are willing to try.

 

 

Like I said, it's tentative and I have low expectations. It might not work. I hope it does, but all I can do is my best with the damage that's already been done. Be strong, patient, and not repeat my mistakes.

 

Thank you again!!!

Edited May 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[keiji]

The reason I felt like discussing this is because I saw extremes. I saw a girl that was expressing herself in detrimental ways. And I saw others talking about bpd and therapy (which I find reprehensible - and probably part of why so many women in America are sadly living on psychiatric drugs.).

 

Those who recommended therapy, myself included, didn't necessarily throw drugs in the equation. This has nothing to do with a gender war. This has everything to do with someone who doesn't love a guy, sees that guy carry on with his life and throws a tantrum. That's an ego bruise, which she mistakes for love. That was most people's conclusion here. It's a very narcissistic behavior and the OP doesn't seem to be aware of how she plays games just to achieve her goals. I don't think she's bipolar. I don't think she needs drugs, either. But I do think she needs therapy to know where her behavior comes from, because her behavior is not healthy for her or those around her. Even the title of this thread is alarming. "I'm so upset LOL"?

 

I don't understand why some are encouraging her to do the wrong thing. All of this will be painful for both parties, although I think it will be even worse for that guy. I guess none of them has learnt a lesson here.

Edited May 18, 2017 by keiji

[Laurenhergensen]

It happens. That you break up with someone, and think you're perfectly fine after. You even want them to go out with someone else because maybe you don't like to know that they're having a bad time because of you, and in the end, when they DO date someone else, it ends up hurting you.

 

It happened to me. The first time, the guy just went out with some random girl because he wanted to make me feel bad. We ended up talking again and got back together, but it didn't last much since we were both in different countries at the time and we couldn't solve our problems in person.

 

And now, he's actually getting serious with someone else... I hate it. But I'm seeing him happy, so I wouldn't contact him.

 

You never know what could happen, but you should totally just let him be. Someone else said that each one of us is unique, and that's true. My ex is dating someone else now, and he seems happy... But he'll never find someone like me :cool: and I bet yours will never find someone like you either

[Blanco]

Cmon, people, at least make it less obvious that you're only reading the thread title before replying!

[clia]

Why did you break up with him and what makes you think things are going to be any different now?