My ex is seeing a new girl and im so upset lol [UPDATE: Should I contact my ex?]

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry, Jackie. I didn't see questions. When I said "dark place" I mean I get very sad, depressed. It sounds horrible but I got a thrill of excitement..I don't know what to call it... from getting to him after he hurt me. When he blocked I got him to unblock with voicemail. Then we chatted and I still bugged him at work but I told him "answer me please" and he said "I'm working" and I said "talk to me later?" He said "I get off at 5" I could have waited until 5...I could have waited weeks(better) Gave him space. Instead, I went to the dark place and thought 'who the **** does he think he is? I didn't want to wait anymore or care if I get with him again because he has a gf yet he's still entertaining this idea of sex or possibly more with this psycho ex(me) ' I wrote out a long text chain basically pointinh out ALL his flaws when we were together, said I don't/never wanted him, said terrible things, insulting. Then I said I've been sharing this with friends and people on forums. Lol. Consider yourself blocked, scumbag. Bye"

He said

What

The

****

Lol

Bye

 

It was horrible but hurt me too. It wasn't true because I do love him but I think deep down I really just wanted it to be done and I wanted my pride back., And I'm glad I did it because I think it is BUT I felt dark again so I went on FB...which btw... it's not stalking. It's public. Messaged girls I think were his gf to tell them my side. Totally public, totally TRUE, totally within my rights, totally embarrassing and messed up and regrettable but whatever.

 

 

I think I do need some counseling..you're right. I'm being more productive today. Ty.

[stillafool]

Can't you just distract yourself by finding something to do?

 

No because that gives her no satisfaction. What she seeks is attention and that is why she comes here time and time again but doesn't take the advice. If she took the advice her threads would end and she would no longer get the attention she craves. Her ex doesn't want her anymore so the attention from his end has dried up. The only thing that is going to help her at this point is hard therapy which she is not going to seek. If she sought therapy she would lose the attention she gets from her bad behavior.

[Cookiesandough]

That "sad, dark place" reminds me of what I read about borderline personality disorder. Actually many things point to BPD - Cookies acts destructively, her emotions shifts from one extreme to another, she feels emptiness and pain, she's very manipulative but still ends up feeling like she's the victim (check her other threads, there's turmoil and delusion in each and one of them), she feels suspicious, cant trust etc etc. A classic case.

 

Even if I'm wrong and you're not BPD, Cookies, can you answer me honestly - would you like to feel ok? Would you welcome stability into your life? How would you feel if you could manage your emotions and live without wrecking havoc on your and other people's lives?

 

Imagine yourself - no pain, no dark place, hand in hand with a man you trust in a drama-free relationship. Laughing, living, taking care of yourself and people around you. A woman no one would call a "nut job", nothing she does is cringworthy. A happy woman.

 

Does it sound like something you'd like to be?

 

It's far from impossible! In fact, even if youre BPD, it's successfully treatable! You could be that woman. You're not a basket case.

 

If doing nothing makes you go into a "sad, dark place", you need to feel something. You need a physical outlet, to run to punch a pillow, put on loud music and dance - just replace your wish to reach out to ex, his gf, other men with something physical and harmless. As soon as you feel that need to fill in emptiness put on your headphones and

sprint.

 

You know, there was a time I was a very problematic girl as well. 7 years ago I would self-harm and emotionally torture my boyfriend daily. I had extreme jealousy and abandonment issues, wanted to control my boyfriend's every step, every interaction due to constant suspicions and fear of betrayal. I also felt sad and empty.

 

CBT helped me a lot (I was diagnosed with general anxiety and ptsd) but what made the difference was power of will, not to be a crazy b**** anymore. At some point I couldn't stand a thought of being the unstable, problematic, insecurity ridden nightmare of a person. Of course, it was a long journey and it took some mistakes to realize my worth but here I am now, happy to be me and finally there's nothing crazy about me anymore.

 

I'm telling all this because a journey from a dark place to a happy one is based determination and if someone made it, so can you. Don't just tell us you're gonna seek therapy to look better on a forum - do it for real.

 

I've never heard of bpd but what you said about not being able to trust, wanting to be happy, stable, all that really hit a chord with me. That you know the feeling and were able to overcome it really gave me some peace. I don't want to be this way. I want stability. I am generally very stable until I really love/like someone romantically. Then I start to panic. I have never gone to this extreme before. I do feel my ex never really helped me feel stable. I even told him last last we talked "you're not making it easy to trust you, leaving me in limbo like this. It's not fair to me that you say maybe and when I want a solid answer you ignore me and call me crazy for asking. I thought I knew you"

 

I feel manipulated by him.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your help. I'm glad you were able to work through a lot of your feelings and have more stability . I have a friend with ptsd and I know how hard it can be just day to day, let alone in a relationship.

 

I had a great family life btw good relationship with my parents but one thing was I was bullied in grade school by people I thought were friends. Sounds silly but at that pivotal age I think that screwed up my trust. Then my bf was manipulative which didn't help

Edited March 11, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[keiji]

I've never heard of bpd but what you said about not being able to trust, wanting to be happy, stable, all that really hit a chord with me. That you know the feeling and were able to overcome it really gave me some peace. I don't want to be this way. I want stability. I am generally very stable until I really love/like someone romantically. Then I start to panic. I have never gone to this extreme before. I do feel my ex never really helped me feel stable. I even told him last last we talked "you're not making it easy to trust you, leaving me in limbo like this. It's not fair to me that you say maybe and when I want a solid answer you ignore me and call me crazy for asking. I thought I knew you"

 

You keep blaming him, both in and out of here, but this situation's on you. You treated him like a toy. It's you who's manipulating, It's you who's trying to consciously ruin his happiness and that girl's. Stop blaming others. It's your awful behavior that has taken you where you are now.

 

You really need professional help, as you've been told a dozen times in the last few days.

[anika99]

I've never heard of bpd but what you said about not being able to trust, wanting to be happy, stable, all that really hit a chord with me. That you know the feeling and were able to overcome it really gave me some peace. I don't want to be this way. I want stability. I am generally very stable until I really love/like someone romantically. Then I start to panic. I have never gone to this extreme before. I do feel my ex never really helped me feel stable. I even told him last last we talked "you're not making it easy to trust you, leaving me in limbo like this. It's not fair to me that you say maybe and when I want a solid answer you ignore me and call me crazy for asking. I thought I knew you"

 

I feel manipulated by him.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your help. I'm glad you were able to work through a lot of your feelings and have more stability . I have a friend with ptsd and I know how hard it can be just day to day, let alone in a relationship.

 

I had a great family life btw good relationship with my parents but one thing was I was bullied in grade school by people I thought were friends. Sounds silly but at that pivotal age I think that screwed up my trust. Then my bf was manipulative which didn't help

 

I believe when that poster suggested BPD she was referring to borderline personality disorder. Some people also call bipolar disorder BPD but I think your behaviour more closely suits borderline personality disorder. Google it and see if you recognize yourself in the symptoms.

 

Nothing in what you have done or said in this thread indicates that you really love or care about your ex. You were perfectly fine without him until you realized he may have moved on and then you went into game player mode. Started a bunch of mean push/pull jealous manipulative behaviour, all because your ego was wounded, never because you cared about this guy. The worst is that you are completely blind to your game playing ways. You are incredibly manipulative but you don't even realize it, instead you see yourself as the wronged party in every situation. You orchestrate all this pain and drama in your life and the lives of others and then you play the victim in the very situation you caused. Classic BPD behaviour.

 

BPD is a disorder that falls on a spectrum as we all exhibit traits at one time or another, especially when we are very young and very immature. So don't self diagnose, see a professional. In the end BPD is just a label and the label doesn't matter so much as getting treatment and getting yourself emotionally healthy. I would recommend not dating or starting any relationship for a couple of years while you work on your health. Any relationship you rekindle or start right now is just going to end in a lot of pain and drama for you or the other person or both. Going a couple of years without a man might sound like an impossibly long time but it will be so worth it in the end. Give yourself the gift of healing through time and therapy.

[Zahara]

It was horrible but hurt me too.

 

No, you hurt yourself. You went looking for it. He was minding his own business moving on with someone new, and you got a whiff of that and went down the rabbit hole.

 

It wasn't true because I do love him but I think deep down I really just wanted it to be done and I wanted my pride back.,

 

You have a warped sense of what love is -- your "love" is about control and selfishness and if you don't get your way, that "love" becomes vindictive and destructive.

 

Messaged girls I think were his gf to tell them my side. Totally public, totally TRUE, totally within my rights, totally embarrassing and messed up and regrettable but whatever.

 

Why did they need to know? Did you tell them that you ended with him twice, rejected him and then tried to poke your nose in there to rope him back in when you found out he was with someone else? Of course not. You just told them what a horrible person he was and how MANIPULATIVE he was and how you again -- THE VICTIM.

 

Please find help. Good luck to you.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Zahara

[olivetree]

I didn't want to say it before bc I am not sure if a label is helpful, but dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) that I mentioned earlier is a modified form of CBT specifically for individuals with BPD.

 

Look it up!

[EZNona]

Still feel

Justified in what I said to him because it's still wrong when you have a gf

 

Girl, please! Who do you think you're trying to fool?? Certainly not your Ex. He has most certainly got you figured out. He played you because he knew you well enough to know this was all a big ego game for you.

 

YOU are the one who broke NC to contact him because he had a girlfriend and YOU are also the one who "wanted to meet one last time" even though you knew he had a new girl.

 

YOU are the one who planned all of this and put everything into motion!!

 

Your Ex even went so far as to block you and told you to stop contacting him so he could stop this madness, yet you begged him to speak to you.

 

You are not mad because he made sexual comments even though he has a girlfriend, you are mad because he didn't cave into your wants and bump his girl for you.

 

Stop blaming your ex. Everything that has happened this past month is ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND ONLY YOU. You played games and got burned and now you want him to suffer for your bad behaviors.

 

And then you come here and try to act like your mean, nasty, and underhanded ways weren't really so...

 

Girl, bye.

[Blanco]

OP, whether or not you realize, this is potentially a major crossroads for you.

 

Your threads have show someone who has engaged in self-destructive behavior stemming for low self-worth. You can choose this latest string of episodes to be your breaking point that pushes you to finally address your issues through therapy and loads of genuine self improvement. Or, you can continue to follow your pattern of passing the blame to others and then masking your pain with other men.

 

The choice is yours.

[Sweetfish]

Cookie your boyfriend was wrong for toying with your feelings.

 

Hopefully, you can see a therapist to express your feelings and get things off your chest.

[Cookiesandough]

Just a vent

 

Ex is single again.

 

[sarcasm] I did not see that coming. [/sarcasm]

 

He's becoming one of those paranoid types that hoards food and weapons for the impending apocalypse. I did care a lot about that guy and I still do to an extent. Letting go of people who are close to me is very hard and it ended so ugly....

 

But gotta let go. Yea he's (turned) a bit nutty and yea he wasn't the nicest person to me and no I'm not completely blameless and no we were never right for each other. I shouldn't even have this info. Move on, girl. Hope he has a nice life.

 

Maybe I do need to get some help

Edited April 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Sweetfish]

Just a vent

 

Ex is single again.

 

[sarcasm] I did not see that coming. [/sarcasm]

 

He's becoming one of those paranoid types that hoards food and weapons for the impending apocalypse. I did care a lot about that guy and I still do to an extent. Letting go of people who are close to me is very hard and it ended so ugly....

 

But gotta let go. Yea he's (turned) a bit nutty and yea he wasn't the nicest person to me and no I'm not completely blameless and no we were never right for each other. I shouldn't even have this info. Move on, girl. Hope he has a nice life.

 

Maybe I do need to get some help

 

 

Cookie... i've been asking and telling you this multiple times.. you need to see someone and be transparent.

[divegrl]

Just let it be. You can't force yourself to stop feeling, stop loving or stop remembering. Let this be. Let time heal you.

 

Remember you are so loved and valued!!!!

 

Big hugs for you!!!

[GeekLover]

How will I ever get out of this heartache? It's killing me and he doesn't care. It's just so weird how people can just turn off all empathy like that...to someone they once said they loved.

 

I am so dumbfounded by this entire thread, and I could have responded to many responses, but I had to choose this one.

 

This is EXACTLY the mindset of all of us dumpees out there...and you, as the DUMPER, are able to say this!?!?

 

You dumped this man not once, but twice!!

 

As a recent twice-dumpee in my 5th month of NC myself, I am so happy I started following this thread. You know why?

 

Because I just couldn't believe you are questioning this poor man's behaviour now. The advice I've read so far fits the bill perfectly.

 

In fact, by the time I made it to just the 2nd page of this thread, I went from having my ex's number deleted from my contacts to FULL OUT BLOCKING him...

 

If anything OP, I can thank you for opening my eyes.

[Cookiesandough]

Need breakup experts help, my ex has me on that silent treatment time.

 

He is reading my messages(they are flirty ones like "missing you" and "remember this" ) as the read receipts are showing but he is NOT responding.

 

I said mean stuff to him and I appliziged but he's ignoring me for good. I say things like "you look so good in your new fb pic"

 

Is he doing it for any an ego boost or curiosity or?

 

Thank you

Edited May 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Blanco]

Cookies, you've spent far too much time on here to not see what the deal is here.

 

This isn't an ego thing; not on his end, anyway. I do wonder why you are again engaging in this push-pull behavior with someone you have previously dumped more than once.

 

It just sounds like you're laying down the bait, and he's not taking it. He's finally learned his lesson based on his past with you.

 

Let him be.

[jamili]

Cookies... why do you expect him to to anything but give you silent treatment forever? You dumped him. You made that judgment call to eject him out of your life forever. You are getting exactly what you wanted.

 

The guy is just maintaining proper NC. ****, if he created a thread on here describing the situation from his perspective, we would all be encouraging him to KEEP NC.

 

Sending "flirty" messages like "I miss you": TRANSLATION: Breadcrumbs.

 

You are doing what we've seen exes do time and time again on here, from the dumper's perspective. You are breadcrumbing this guy. And you're basically living out this whole typical prophecy - who are wanting back but now it's too late. This is the typical result. Now that he's moved on, it's killing you.

 

What you need to do is live and learn. This guy is over. In your next relationship, work through your problems, unless you are 1000% confident that you want them gone forever, before breaking anything off. Interpersonal relationships are precious. Don't take them for granted from now on.

 

Maintain NC forever with this guy. And learn to never make this mistake again, is all you can do.

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks, you guys, for the perspective. I have to just accept he wants nothing more to do with me...for good reason. Thanks.

[Cookiesandough]

He broke text NC last night. I texted him A LOT "can I just apologize since we'll never talk again"

 

He said "Are you serious?"

 

And I said "just want to explain myself I'm sorry, I got mad, just say you'll forgive me and I'll leave you alone "

 

He said "nope. Anyone who tries to cut deep and say hurtful things to someone just because their "feelings" got hurt is a ****ty person in my eyes. Sorry. "

 

I'm like" I agree. Though you were trying to cheat on your girl with me. I have low tolerance for cheaters

 

Him; I'm not a cheater. I wasn't with you or anyone else at the time"

 

Me: "You told me you had a girl. And I saw pics on FB"

 

Him: "I didn't have a girl"

 

Me: You were just trying to get rid of me then. I know that now, I guess. I didn't then. You know that's not a habit for me. I know you're not attracted to me, it's not about that. Can we just hang out?

 

Him: I'm not falling for your traps anymore

 

 

 

What traps?? Do you believe he really didn't have a girl? What can I say now to get him to come around. Ugghh

Edited May 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Blanco]

You keep immersing yourself in drama.

[Cookiesandough]

You keep immersing yourself in drama.

 

Do you think he's intentionally being dramatic because he likes it? I just wanna be cool with him again.

[Cookiesandough]

I know the right thing to do is let him go because he obviously doesn't wanna talk,blanco, but it's hard that he says me wanting to see him is a trap he's not falling for. That makes me wanna convince him it's not s trap.

[Purepony]

Look op I like you !! Seriously I do but now you are just getting annoying and I'm sure you will slowly lose the little friends you have because most people won't tolerate this toxic nonsense !!!!

 

Over and over you state you are attractive and picky and how you have these walls well it's now 2017 and most men won't and don't want that ...

hot looks don't counterbalance long term add your annoying text messages I'm suprised this guy hasn't called the police with Harrasment charges but trust me you will get him in trouble and the girl will Make him put an end to you the right way or the hard way !!!

 

Move on !!! Get that they your head he has moved on ! It's plain and simple it's not a code of some sort!! You broke up with him, went on a trial and then you dropped him again now fast forward he found someone he likes and wants to be with and is probably good enough to make him happy let him go !!!

 

 

He doesn't care about these mind games you play he made it clear he's not falling for your trap !!

 

Your trap is the game you've been playing

 

For you sake please move on because it's almost going on to a year and you are in the same position doing the same thing

 

I really like you which is why I am giving you the same advice I'd give my sister

 

You matter so just let this go and move on

[Cookiesandough]

Look op I like you !! Seriously I do but now you are just getting annoying and I'm sure you will slowly lose the little friends you have because most people won't tolerate this toxic nonsense !!!!

 

Over and over you state you are attractive and picky and how you have these walls well it's now 2017 and most men won't and don't want that ...

hot looks don't counterbalance long term add your annoying text messages I'm suprised this guy hasn't called the police with Harrasment charges but trust me you will get him in trouble and the girl will Make him put an end to you the right way or the hard way !!!

 

Move on !!! Get that they your head he has moved on ! It's plain and simple it's not a code of some sort!! You broke up with him, went on a trial and then you dropped him again now fast forward he found someone he likes and wants to be with and is probably good enough to make him happy let him go !!!

 

 

He doesn't care about these mind games you play he made it clear he's not falling for your trap !!

 

Your trap is the game you've been playing

 

For you sake please move on because it's almost going on to a year and you are in the same position doing the same thing

 

I really like you which is why I am giving you the same advice I'd give my sister

 

You matter so just let this go and move on

 

Hi. Thanks for your advice. but I don't think you read the thread to present(not that I blame you). He had stated that he was never seeing anyone. And I know he's not seeing anyone at the moment because it says he's single. If he didn't wanna talk he should put me on block and stay NC. It's really that's simple. I've never tried to communicate with him anywhere else since. What game?

 

And please name one place I have stated I am attractive. On my life. I know that's a lie. Yea I'm picky, but you drew me up like I'm some egotist.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Bastile]

Eh, been a while since I've been on this site. Been reading a few threads, and this was an interesting one.

 

I have read this thread through, and something I don't remember seeing (it's fairly long) is that there simply isn't any trust between the two of you.

 

No trust makes this situation the toxic mess that it has become. And, of course, you need to really take responsibility for your part in that.

 

He doesn't trust you. This is because you have dumped him twice. And, don't think he is ignorant enough to not get a sense for your motivation for wanting him back.

 

The problem is that he has probably passed the stage of getting over you. And it would be a big backwards step in his life. He seeks some kind of reassurance that it won't be the same old, same old.

 

You don't trust him either. You are convinced that he will have "revenge sex" with you. Or just turn you into a friends with benefits. You require him to completely drop any girls he is seeing, and commit. Though, he won't do that because he doesn't trust you either.

 

It's a stand-off. One of you needs to compromise your security for the other. Naturally, you think it should be him. And he thinks it should be you.