My ex is seeing a new girl and im so upset lol [UPDATE: Should I contact my ex?]

[Cookiesandough]

double post. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do to stop the pain

[elaine567]

Yes but that doesn't help me when I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do

 

You were perfectly fine until you realised he was dating another girl and so you got back in touch with him again.

 

This is an ego problem, your ego is bruised here.

YOU thought you could snap your fingers and he would be under your spell again.

He hasn't played ball and so you are miffed.

NEVER break up with people you care about as they have a tendency to not like that and then they go off and see other people.

It is how life works.

They are not just going to stick around forever just waiting for you to pick them up again.

 

People are human beings with their own feelings and needs, they are not toys or just pawns in a game.

 

You wanted sex with him, so you could use that to split up him and his new gf...

That is not love.

[keiji]

The only plus is suddenly men are swarming me like flies. Always happens. People love people who are disinterested in them. Human nature, I guess. The one man I want could care less. I'm thinking about sending these lovely texts to my ex's gf. Let's see if she thinks he did nothing wrong. Maybe!

 

It doesn't take a psychiatrist to tell that you have some serious issues going on. You keep shaping reality according to your interests. Now that poor guy is a scumbag (your words) and you've been heavily mistreated. And not only that. Now you're planning to destroy his new relationship out of pure selfishness and lack of self-esteem. It's simply pathetic. AND MEAN.

 

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you in his life. And you deserve it because you treated him like garbage, so don't try to appear as a victim here, because you're not.

 

One day you'll look around and see no one there to talk to. Perhaps it has already happened, and it's not surprising at all. Get yourself some help. It's not cheap, it's not fast, but you need it, and those people on your circle need it too, because you have no qualms in hurting someone if it suits you.

Edited March 10, 2017 by keiji

[Cookiesandough]

i believe the words he used were "please sit on my face" He turned the conversation sexual first. I told him I'm not going to be his fwb. He said "ok". But he kept going with it so I did too. But *I*, the single chick, destroyed his relationship. This confuses me? If my man was talking this way to his ex I'd want to know. When you see a cook at a restaurant spitting in the food do you just not say anything "stay out of it, what they don't know Wong hurt them"?

[Lorenza]

i believe the words he used were "please sit on my face" He turned the conversation sexual first. I told him I'm not going to be his fwb. He said "ok". But he kept going with it so I did too. But *I*, the single chick, destroyed his relationship. This confuses me? If my man was talking this way to his ex I'd want to know. When you see a cook at a restaurant spitting in the food do you just not say anything "stay out of it, what they don't know Wong hurt them"?

 

 

Stop playing the victim card... There is actually pride and value in recognizing your own faults and taking time to think and improve, which is what you should be doing instead of acting destructively. You're rapidly losing other's symphaty with each post you write, because not only there's no remorse and will to get better in them - there's strong delusion.

 

If you're gonna start a new relationship the way you are right now - my deepest condolences to the guy. But it doesn't have to be this way. You can actually take time and become a more decent woman, with help of cognitive behavior therapy. Don't become that woman guys will label "my psycho ex"

[ExpatInItaly]

i believe the words he used were "please sit on my face" He turned the conversation sexual first. I told him I'm not going to be his fwb. He said "ok". But he kept going with it so I did too. But *I*, the single chick, destroyed his relationship. This confuses me? If my man was talking this way to his ex I'd want to know. When you see a cook at a restaurant spitting in the food do you just not say anything "stay out of it, what they don't know Wong hurt them"?

 

You're completely missing the point.

 

The point is that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, and that you didn't return to him for the right reasons.

 

The point is that you are desperate for validation and attention, and will seek it out in the most embarrassing and self-destructive ways. You don't see it this way, but I guarantee he when he sees your name on his phone now, he's thinking "nut job who will give out sex." Accomplishment? No.

 

The point is that the only reason you give a crap about him now is because he's actually met another girl.

 

You can argue the finer details, but it doesn't chance the bottom line, which is that you are your own worst enemy.

[stillafool]

Yes but that doesn't help me when I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do

 

Get a therapist. Please stop. You threw yourself at your ex so he might have gone for the break up sex or he was trying to see how far you would go. One thing is for sure he is not going to break up with his girl to get with you. Now you know everything you need to know which is he doesn't want you so leave them alone and get some help.

[keiji]

i believe the words he used were "please sit on my face" He turned the conversation sexual first. I told him I'm not going to be his fwb. He said "ok". But he kept going with it so I did too. But *I*, the single chick, destroyed his relationship. This confuses me? If my man was talking this way to his ex I'd want to know. When you see a cook at a restaurant spitting in the food do you just not say anything "stay out of it, what they don't know Wong hurt them"?

 

Oh, fantastic. To top it all off, now you're not only a victim of the guy you dumped twice, but you've also become his girl's savior.

[jacxie]

...you just don't want to be alone/single. You want a relationship so bad that you are willing to give a try to your ex. But it is wrong, you broke up with him twice, you don't want him and you would probably break up with him again. My advice: leave him alone, move on and find someone new. Or better, stay single for a while and figure out what you really want.

[AT15]

If you send that screen shot of your conversation with your ex to his new girl...and she doesn't break up with him, instead they work thru it and become a stronger and more committed couple...how would you feel?

 

Because that's a possibility. You don't know his new gf. When my ex broke up with me and went to a new girl. I never contacted any of them, even tho I could have easily done it. And I was justified in it since he overlapped. I am so happy I didn't go there. If you feel the NEED to go there, you're chasing after a dead dog. It's dead. It's done. Time bury this in the grave yard.

 

I actually feel sympathy for you, even tho your acting selfish. Because broken people try and break and hurt others. And right now, that's where you are, broken.

 

The question is, what are you willing to do to put yourself back together. Are you willing to do the work?

 

Think about this. You think your ex or any man worth their salt will want a broken woman? You don't want to drag someone down. You want to lift them up. A woman should always be a source of strength and inspiration to her man. And Visa Versa,...

Just my thoughts

 

❤️A

Edited March 10, 2017 by AT15

[fromheart]

I'm writing here to get my thoughts out. I've gotten plenty of useful advice. I just need a place to share. I've resolved to contact my ex in a week to meet one last time if he will agree to it. The wait is killing me but I need to wait, I work and plus I'm just not mentally together enough at this point. I'm really lovesick. If he does agree it will have to be the weekend after next or later. Each minute feels like an eternity and I'm in so much pain because I know I could text him right now and he would respond minutes later.I don't know if it will be the case in a week. Just one more time to see him. Tell him my thoughts and where I'm coming from. Just drinks. I want to see him one last time, then I will let him go. I know it sounds crazy but I don't like the way we last saw each other. I know he'll never be mine again. It's not about that. Seeing his girl made me realize how she's everything I'm not and how I can't give him what she can. I actually helped them get together and pushed him into her arms unknowingly( in another way besides breaking up). She is also very much his type where I don't think I ever was but he gave me a chance. She is a single mother and he always said he didn't want to date those so his feelings for her must be strong and maybe becoming bEing around her kid will make him a better person.

 

There's nothing I can do now to have him, this is for me, and 'closure'. I refuse to be other woman or compete with another girl for his heart. I don't think I should remain in contact with him either. It's just dragging me down and making me upset.

 

 

You do not love this man. You only want him when he's unavailable. When he is available, you dump him.

 

You have made the decision to end it with him, and he has done the right thing by moving on and chasing his own happiness.

 

If you really love him, be happy that he is happy and not getting dumped.

 

I'm presuming that you're young, look after yourself and learn from this.

[Zahara]

i believe the words he used were "please sit on my face" He turned the conversation sexual first. I told him I'm not going to be his fwb. He said "ok". But he kept going with it so I did too. But *I*, the single chick, destroyed his relationship. This confuses me? If my man was talking this way to his ex I'd want to know. When you see a cook at a restaurant spitting in the food do you just not say anything "stay out of it, what they don't know Wong hurt them"?

 

So high on your moral horse? You knew he had a girlfriend but it didn't stop you from wanting to poke your nose in there to see if you could reel him back in. Where was your sense of right and wrong then? What happened to your boundaries? You didn't give any thought or care into the fact to leave them both them alone except to indulge in your need to get what you wanted.

 

Now you try and justify more bad behavior on your part with this analogy?

 

You're destructive. You sabotage, whether it's done to yourself or others. You have no regard for other people but only for yourself.

 

Instead of focusing internally and where you're going wrong -- it's everyone's fault. On a constant emotional spiral. You have no self-awareness or ability to self-reflect. You're like a bull in a china shop.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Zahara

[jacxie]

Ok, so I have just read the whole thread, it was very, very difficult to read - I was like "Jesus, this girl is going into self destruction and will destruct others on the way".

 

You don't realize that you have a problem. You need to start a cognitive-behavioural therapy asap, trust us - we know what we're saying, the things a third person see it's different from what you see.

 

You feel low because he has moved out and lost interest in you. But you're worth more than this I bet! I'm sure you are a nice girl, but lost. How are things with your parents and may I ask how old are you? What do you do in life? I've noticed you work, do you still study? Do you like your job? Do you have friends, do you go out often? How had your previous relationships looked like? Are you happy in general? Do you like to be on your own or do you like to be in the center of attention? Are you that kind of person who like to get what they want, no matter what? (in every factor, though).

 

See you came here for the advice about your ex bf, but this is not what you should be concerned about. You should focus on yourself, heal and fix your issues. Try to calm down your emotions, stay away from the ex - you don't want him because you love him, you want to boost your ego and raise your self esteem. But this is NOT how you should do it - you need to realize what you are worth and know your limits, set up some boundaries. You should realize that what you do is wrong and unhealthy. You have to solve your issues first and then get into relationship, eventually.

Edited March 10, 2017 by jacxie

[LotusAvx]

Hun, you're just going to have to deal with the pain. I went through something similar where I had a chance to get my ex back and he was begging for me back (after he broke up with me). I kept pushing him away, and then he found a new girl (rebound?) who he is now having a baby with and they have only known each other a few months. I am so hurt.

 

You're going to have to decipher whether it is jealousy of him being with a new girl or you actually want your ex back

[olivetree]

Cookies, I understand you are hurting right now.

You can't see the truth right now because you are in a highly emotional state.

 

I think you should find a DBT therapist (dialectical behaviour therapy).

It teaches people who have uncontrollable, extreme emotions how to control them.

 

You can get better if you choose to.

[lana-banana]

double post. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do to stop the pain

 

This is significant. Not because I think you suddenly have the self-awareness to make positive changes, but this is revealing and could be helpful if you actually tried. All this nonsense, this drama, this sturm und drang is because you're hurting.

 

Healthy people learn that they're going to hurt sometimes, but if they take care of themselves, that hurt eventually goes away. You don't seem to have learned that. Instead you're just so desperate to stop hurting that you'll do something, anything to get rid of it right now. So you want to do something (acting makes you feel powerful and distracts you from self-reflection) and preferably something that gives you attention (attention makes you feel desired and important).

 

It's very obvious you don't realize how unstable you are. No, I wouldn't be okay with my man sending raunchy texts to another woman, but from what you described his messages were dripping with contempt. He sees you as something to disrespect. He wasn't lining you up to be a FWB at all. If anything he wanted to vent his rage at you through sex. ("Hatef$@#ing" is a real thing. Look it up.) The fact that he ultimately blocked you again and told you to leave him the hell alone proves he has zero interest in any further contact. If I was his girlfriend and you sent me those texts, I would think you were flat-out crazy and you probably severely damaged my boyfriend.

 

If you want to stop hurting, you need to do things differently. You can start by printing out this thread and bringing it to a doctor. No, really. A trained professional could help you sort through the wild emotional swings you exhibit here. You can also uninstall all your online dating applications and swear off men for a while. Dating will not make you stop hurting. Other people don't exist to soothe your pain. If you want to feel better, you need to get to work on understanding why you hurt in the first place.

 

I'll give you a pass on standing up your first date, if only because there was no harm done. After you explained everything to him I guarantee he looked at it, said "wow, talk about dodging a bullet" and had a nice drink.

[Blanco]

Pain sucks, but it is part of life and people who lean into it, own those feelings, push through, and learn the inherent lesson, are almost always better off in the long run than the people who try to stuff down those feelings and mask them with distractions.

[whatdeww18]

I have to leave him alone now lol I called him out for acting like a scumbag and rehashed everything I hated about him from the start. Lol

 

I don't treat anyone like a toy. He does.

 

He started it by saying he wants to meet to **** me when he has a gf....I said no I wanna get drinks and talk . He still telling me wants me to please sit ** his face and always turning the convo sexual. Maybe not fwb but sexting buddy? Still feel

Justified in what I said to him because it's still wrong when you have a gf

 

Cookiesandough,

 

I'm kind of left speechless with what has gone on in the past week.

 

I honestly thought you realized you loved this guy, the break up hit you when you saw him get in another relationship, and you would have taken this time to learn and grow from all that has happened.

 

It seems like the reverse. Seriously, "lol," seriously? What is funny at all about these situations?

 

I don't know why these "lol" got to me but they really did. All I can say is I'm actually a little sad with how you've conducted yourself.

 

Even if you don't think you're playing games or it's because you're hurting, you don't idly contact an ex to help yourself get over your boredom or pain. Do it yourself.

 

I wanted to just keep it at having others' say their piece and hope that something someone says sticks with you. It seems it hasn't and I'm sure my post won't either. Maybe I'm just sad that I thought you weren't another person that verifies the notion it takes years and a whole lot of pain to change and grow.

 

You know that we've been here for you Cookiesandough. I just don't think you're willing to start the change or even try to see that you need it.

 

Always and still wishing you the best,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Cookiesandough]

I did something horrible on social media ytstrday when I was feeling very sad and unstable. I don't wanna look. I don't wanna even talk about it. Anonymous tips. Through report picture. To some girls. Talking about things my ex told me. One who might be his gf. I do not know.....I don't wanna know. I wanna crawl in a hole and die now. But this is really right. I need CBT or DBT or XYZ... I know I do. Thank you so much for the advice. It's harsh, but I know it's true...Thank you all

[Zahara]

I did something horrible on social media ytstrday when I was feeling very sad and unstable. I don't wanna look. I don't wanna even talk about it. Anonymous tips. Through report picture. To some girls. Talking about things my ex told me. One who might be his gf. I do not know.....I don't wanna know. I wanna crawl in a hole and die now. But this is really right. I need CBT or DBT or XYZ... I know I do. Thank you so much for the advice. It's harsh, but I know it's true...Thank you all

 

What does it matter? This is the pattern. You post. We advise. You do whatever it is you want to do. You then fail to take any responsibility for your actions. So now you hide. Even the way you title your post -- there's a sense of callousness.

 

There's no point in thanking when you do nothing to listen, absorb and embrace what is being extended to you.

 

You chose to destroy. You wanted to destroy. If you can't be happy, come hell or high water, you were going stop him from being with this woman.

 

Hopefully you find some professional help. I have a feeling you'll be up on the dating sites again and going on as usual once the heat has subsided. There really is no conscious effort on your part to even attempt self-reflection.

[anna121]

Man oh man.

 

You are going to get yourself slapped with a restraining order. Or just slapped. Or both.

 

You had better look at what you did on social media, and deal with it. This stuff has a way of catching up to you.

[Cookiesandough]

Zahara I am trying!!! I have taken a lot of the advice but I can't stop because when I do I go to a dark, sad place. The only thing that makes me feel better is *doing* something just as Lana said. It's a form of self harm I think... I am going to be scheduling an appointment but it takes month at least where I'm at to get in. Please don't think I'm not appreciative or listening.

 

 

Anna how can I be charged with a restraining order for telling someone the truth about someone? I have the texts.

 

 

I read what one girl replied ...she said she didn't know him they just met at a zombie walk and he liked her makeup so he added her on FB 2 years ago and they haven't talked since. She said she gets it though and we started talking about how she dated a guy for 2years and he got engaged to another girl behind her back. We're like friends now

[Zahara]

Zahara I am trying!!! I have taken a lot of the advice but I can't stop because when I do I go to a dark, sad place. The only thing that makes me feel better is *doing* something just as Lana said. It's a form of self harm I think... I am going to be scheduling an appointment but it takes month at least where I'm at to get in. Please don't think I'm not appreciative or listening.

 

If you truly wanted to change your course, you could have come here and asked for help before you reacted and you could have received guidance or at least we could have tried to help talk you off the ledge. But you do what you want to do THEN you come to LS, raise your hands and cry you can't help yourself and callously note you've been a "bad girl". You can't or won't?

 

I read what one girl replied ...she said she didn't know him they just met at a zombie walk and he liked her makeup so he added her on FB 2 years ago and they haven't talked since. She said she gets it though and we started talking about how she dated a guy for 2years and he got engaged to another girl behind her back. We're like friends now

 

Get off FB. Cut these girls out of your life. Remove yourself from this drama. Block these girls and your ex from your FB. I have a feeling you won't because now you're going to want to see how it plays out and drown deeper into your histrionics.

 

In some way I do hope Anna is right. Maybe that's the only way to keep you away.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Zahara

[Redhead14]

Zahara I am trying!!! I have taken a lot of the advice but I can't stop because when I do I go to a dark, sad place. The only thing that makes me feel better is *doing* something just as Lana said. It's a form of self harm I think... I am going to be scheduling an appointment but it takes month at least where I'm at to get in. Please don't think I'm not appreciative or listening.

 

 

Anna how can I be charged with a restraining order for telling someone the truth about someone? I have the texts.

 

 

I read what one girl replied ...she said she didn't know him they just met at a zombie walk and he liked her makeup so he added her on FB 2 years ago and they haven't talked since. She said she gets it though and we started talking about how she dated a guy for 2years and he got engaged to another girl behind her back. We're like friends now

 

Cookies, go back and read this thread as if it were written by your baby sister or best friend forever! Take her by the shoulders and shake her, then hug her. Talk to that hurt young woman and impart wisdom and comfort. That is what strong secure women can do for themselves!!!! Yes, you were the dumper, but a decision is a decision. Stand up for it and move forward.

 

Anna how can I be charged with a restraining order for telling someone the truth about someone? -- Your behavior overshadows YOUR truth. Like it or not. Let the others learn the truth about this guy themselves. Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself!!!!

 

A judge cannot/does not know exactly what is going on. All he or she knows/sees is a woman who is posting stuff on public media that may or may not be true. The middle of the road for him or her would be to tell you to shut the F up and move on. If your ex isn't defaming you or publicizing details, he's all good. You're the one who looks crazy to the "world".

 

GET A GRIP!!!!

[Lorenza]

That "sad, dark place" reminds me of what I read about borderline personality disorder. Actually many things point to BPD - Cookies acts destructively, her emotions shifts from one extreme to another, she feels emptiness and pain, she's very manipulative but still ends up feeling like she's the victim (check her other threads, there's turmoil and delusion in each and one of them), she feels suspicious, cant trust etc etc. A classic case.

 

Even if I'm wrong and you're not BPD, Cookies, can you answer me honestly - would you like to feel ok? Would you welcome stability into your life? How would you feel if you could manage your emotions and live without wrecking havoc on your and other people's lives?

 

Imagine yourself - no pain, no dark place, hand in hand with a man you trust in a drama-free relationship. Laughing, living, taking care of yourself and people around you. A woman no one would call a "nut job", nothing she does is cringworthy. A happy woman.

 

Does it sound like something you'd like to be?

 

It's far from impossible! In fact, even if youre BPD, it's successfully treatable! You could be that woman. You're not a basket case.

 

If doing nothing makes you go into a "sad, dark place", you need to feel something. You need a physical outlet, to run to punch a pillow, put on loud music and dance - just replace your wish to reach out to ex, his gf, other men with something physical and harmless. As soon as you feel that need to fill in emptiness put on your headphones and

sprint.

 

You know, there was a time I was a very problematic girl as well. 7 years ago I would self-harm and emotionally torture my boyfriend daily. I had extreme jealousy and abandonment issues, wanted to control my boyfriend's every step, every interaction due to constant suspicions and fear of betrayal. I also felt sad and empty.

 

CBT helped me a lot (I was diagnosed with general anxiety and ptsd) but what made the difference was power of will, not to be a crazy b**** anymore. At some point I couldn't stand a thought of being the unstable, problematic, insecurity ridden nightmare of a person. Of course, it was a long journey and it took some mistakes to realize my worth but here I am now, happy to be me and finally there's nothing crazy about me anymore.

 

I'm telling all this because a journey from a dark place to a happy one is based determination and if someone made it, so can you. Don't just tell us you're gonna seek therapy to look better on a forum - do it for real.