Need a reality check - BF canceled plans, how to proceed?

[newheart]

Update: it is officially over.

 

To my surprise, he texted me tonight (I honestly just thought he'd fade away and I'd never hear from him again). He said he had done a lot of thinking over the weekend, and it isn't easy, but he just thinks he's not what I need. We see our time and our demands on time differently (?), and that this is the same situation from October and he feels like it will continue to be a problem for us. Then he said he didn't know what to say, and hoped I understood.

 

(My interpretation: I am not what he wants)

 

I replied that I agreed with him, that we are different communicators, have different needs and different wants, and that I recognized this at some point but I kept trying to make it work in an effort to please him, while selling myself short in the process. I then wished him the best.

 

Maybe it was more than I needed to say (and nicer), but I needed to say something to acknowledge that my needs were not met here. I don't think it was the same situation from October (other than him stonewalling me again), but there is no point in me disputing it with him. I guess I shouldn't have given it another chance back then, but really, I think I would have always been wondering, "what if"?

 

Now, let me start the process of picking apart what I could have done differently to avoid this outcome. I keep thinking about the first 9 or 10 months of this relationship and how wonderful they were, and he was, and wondering where I went wrong. I just recently told someone that while I traveled extensively with my ex, Europe and several Caribbean islands, the best night of my life that I spent away was in a tiny, uncomfortable as hell tent with this jackass. I hope I am able to find that again with someone who values me.

 

ETA: While I was surprised he reached out, in hindsight it is best to have this part behind us.

Edited February 14, 2017 by newheart

[anna121]

I'm sorry, newheart. But glad that he at least texted you so you are not left hanging any longer.

 

FWIW, I think your response was fine.

[Dis]

Update: it is officially over.

 

To my surprise, he texted me tonight (I honestly just thought he'd fade away and I'd never hear from him again). He said he had done a lot of thinking over the weekend, and it isn't easy, but he just thinks he's not what I need. We see our time and our demands on time differently (?), and that this is the same situation from October and he feels like it will continue to be a problem for us. Then he said he didn't know what to say, and hoped I understood.

 

(My interpretation: I am not what he wants)

 

I replied that I agreed with him, that we are different communicators, have different needs and different wants, and that I recognized this at some point but I kept trying to make it work in an effort to please him, while selling myself short in the process. I then wished him the best.

 

Maybe it was more than I needed to say (and nicer), but I needed to say something to acknowledge that my needs were not met here. I don't think it was the same situation from October (other than him stonewalling me again), but there is no point in me disputing it with him. I guess I shouldn't have given it another chance back then, but really, I think I would have always been wondering, "what if"?

 

Now, let me start the process of picking apart what I could have done differently to avoid this outcome. I keep thinking about the first 9 or 10 months of this relationship and how wonderful they were, and he was, and wondering where I went wrong. I just recently told someone that while I traveled extensively with my ex, Europe and several Caribbean islands, the best night of my life that I spent away was in a tiny, uncomfortable as hell tent with this jackass. I hope I am able to find that again with someone who values me.

 

ETA: While I was surprised he reached out, in hindsight it is best to have this part behind us.

 

*rips off bandaid*

 

I'm sorry newheart I know that you knew it was over, but hearing it from him was probably realy difficult

 

I'm really glad you stood you're groud and agreed that it wasnt working while also stating that HE isnt right for YOU!

 

At least the whole show is over now. Dead and in the ground

 

Allow yourself to be sad, to grieve etc

 

Just remember that while this is a loss, its also a release

 

Xoxo

[TheTraveler]

Update: it is officially over.

 

To my surprise, he texted me tonight (I honestly just thought he'd fade away and I'd never hear from him again). He said he had done a lot of thinking over the weekend, and it isn't easy, but he just thinks he's not what I need. We see our time and our demands on time differently (?), and that this is the same situation from October and he feels like it will continue to be a problem for us. Then he said he didn't know what to say, and hoped I understood.

 

(My interpretation: I am not what he wants)

 

I replied that I agreed with him, that we are different communicators, have different needs and different wants, and that I recognized this at some point but I kept trying to make it work in an effort to please him, while selling myself short in the process. I then wished him the best.

 

Maybe it was more than I needed to say (and nicer), but I needed to say something to acknowledge that my needs were not met here. I don't think it was the same situation from October (other than him stonewalling me again), but there is no point in me disputing it with him. I guess I shouldn't have given it another chance back then, but really, I think I would have always been wondering, "what if"?

 

Now, let me start the process of picking apart what I could have done differently to avoid this outcome. I keep thinking about the first 9 or 10 months of this relationship and how wonderful they were, and he was, and wondering where I went wrong. I just recently told someone that while I traveled extensively with my ex, Europe and several Caribbean islands, the best night of my life that I spent away was in a tiny, uncomfortable as hell tent with this jackass. I hope I am able to find that again with someone who values me.

 

ETA: While I was surprised he reached out, in hindsight it is best to have this part behind us.

 

I'm glad this happened. Move on to someone else who will cherish to be with you.

 

GL and never go back to this guy

[Miss Peach]

I keep thinking about the first 9 or 10 months of this relationship and how wonderful they were, and he was, and wondering where I went wrong.

 

My guess is this is who he was all along and was able to hide it for that long. I know in my xBF's case, he his his stonewalling behavior for the first 8 or 9 months. I eventually ended it too because I just couldn't see spending my life with someone who communicated like that.

 

Hugs... it's probably tough even though you logically know it was the right decision.

[newheart]

My guess is this is who he was all along and was able to hide it for that long. I know in my xBF's case, he his his stonewalling behavior for the first 8 or 9 months. I eventually ended it too because I just couldn't see spending my life with someone who communicated like that.

 

Hugs... it's probably tough even though you logically know it was the right decision.

 

Thank you, Ms. Peach. You are probably right. It concerns me, because I don't know how I would spot this in future relationships. And despite me knowing that it wasn't working and I need to be comfortable talking to my partner, not repressing my feelings or my needs, I am heart broken because I thought this had so much promise.

[Miss Peach]

Thank you, Ms. Peach. You are probably right. It concerns me, because I don't know how I would spot this in future relationships. And despite me knowing that it wasn't working and I need to be comfortable talking to my partner, not repressing my feelings or my needs, I am heart broken because I thought this had so much promise.

 

I totally understand. I spent the first year of my last relationship thinking we were going to get married someday. I know he wanted to marry me but I just couldn't see dealing with that behavior on an ongoing basis. It got more and more frequent and that's when I left.

[Gaeta]

Now, let me start the process of picking apart what I could have done differently to avoid this outcome. I keep thinking about the first 9 or 10 months of this relationship and how wonderful they were, and he was, and wondering where I went wrong. I just recently told someone that while I traveled extensively with my ex, Europe and several Caribbean islands, the best night of my life that I spent away was in a tiny, uncomfortable as hell tent with this jackass. I hope I am able to find that again with someone who values me.

 

aaww sweetie, it's normal that you only think of the good times but when you are ready look at this relationship for what it really was without trying to embellish it. The red flags were there since the beginning. You have multiple threads about this man and it's all about his short comings.

 

You were worlds apart. As a mother of 3 your life is all about generosity, selflessness, giving, nurturing. As a childless man of 42 and no real relationship experience he was just one more kid for you to raise.

[newheart]

aaww sweetie, it's normal that you only think of the good times but when you are ready look at this relationship for what it really was without trying to embellish it. The red flags were there since the beginning. You have multiple threads about this man and it's all about his short comings.

 

You were worlds apart. As a mother of 3 your life is all about generosity, selflessness, giving, nurturing. As a childless man of 42 and no real relationship experience he was just one more kid for you to raise.

 

This is likely very true. Still, I don't think he is a bad person ... he had wonderful qualities that I loved, but he is unable to communicate or openly love someone, and I deserve that in a partner. Thank you, Gaeta.