Need a reality check - BF canceled plans, how to proceed?

[newheart]

He sounds like a very difficult person to be in a relationship with and I'm wondering how it's rewarding for you?

 

That said, this is the exact same guy behaving in the exact same way as on your other thread, and you are doing your scripted role as well.

 

If you WANT to be in a relationship with this person who handles stress and conflict the way he does (I have to assume that the rest of it is very positive) the only thing to do is to change the way you react to him during these times. It is taking the whole responsibility on yourself, but that's the only choice since you can't change another person.

 

It seems obvious to me that when he starts to feel overwhelmed, some resentment surfaces about how your schedule is so full that there are only narrow, specific times when your relationship can happen. He's probably ok with it in general, but when he gets stressed it probably feels like a burdensome situation.

 

Again, I am not putting this on you, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

 

From my perspective, the only way to react to this type of situation to prevent it from escalating is for you to be nice and COMPLETELY back off until he no longer feels stressed and is in the mood to enjoy time with you, rather than "make the effort to spend time together because that's what people in relationships do." Which I agree with, but if a person is stressed out it sounds like part of a job.

 

And, the only time you can talk about this dynamic is when it is NOWHERE in sight. Talking about it while it's happening is adding fuel to it.

 

Ok, this all only holds water if you really really want to be with him and the good parts far outweigh his crappy way at handling stress and conflict.

 

Hi NY! I'd say nice to hear from you again, but given the circumstances, you know

 

You are 100% right about everything. And, I just don't know if the good outweighs the bad at this point. I see the pattern when he is overwhelmed or stressed and he seems to withdraw, and until now I have been navigating that carefully. There also seems to be a pattern around holidays (?) which may be just a coincidence, but it has played out that way. I agree with you that if I recognize it and lay low, I potentially could just ride the wave, but I don't know if I am being fair to myself by continuing this. I feel like I am constantly catering to his needs.

 

I can't fix the availability factor, either, if I don't know what he expects. I still see him anywhere from 2 - 4 days a week, full weekends/overnights when the kids are at my XH. Recently, the kids have been home three weekends in a row, and I am not sure if that has been a factor. It may be, but he hasn't told me. And if that were the case, isn't it counterproductive to cancel the time we do have? (if avoidable of course) It does always seem to come back to this in some way though, and he is a different person when we have consistent time together. He is more affectionate, and while it seems backwards to me, the more time we spend together in person, the more he reaches out to me during the times we aren't together too. And those times are really good, really happy.

 

This won't be the same as last time - I sent the one text, but there will be no follow ups, no requests to meet, no letters. I will use this time to really consider what I want, too.

[MidwestUSA]

Happy Birthday, newheart!!!

[newheart]

I don't disagree with your assessment entirely, but I do with the bolded. I believe that the OP has very limited blocks of time available to spend with the bf, and if he becomes unavailable during those times, there aren't other options and time together is simply not going to happen that week. I get the impression that he is generally on board with this arrangement but sometimes gets frustrated and impatient.

 

Is that right?

 

Somewhat - my time needs to be planned, but I wouldn't say "very limited blocks of availability", though it is harder for me to be spontaneous. I can be flexible too, but I prefer to plan ahead. We pick what weeknight(s) work best for us based on our work schedules together. Then, I am sure to leave my office on time, I have the kids dinner prepped so they are all set, etc. I am with him when kids are away for weekends, and when they are home, I still set aside one of the weekend nights for us, plus see him during the day (or days) depending on what else is going on. The thing is, he always defers to me and rarely initiates anything different from our routine, but becomes frustrated about it anyway.

 

The other poster is right in that I really would like to have more togetherness, not just because recently this week has been a bust, but also would like him to do things with the kids and I more frequently.

 

The real limitation I see is that I can only stay over his house with the kids are at my XHs, or if I make other arrangements for them. So, when we have full weekends, things are great. When we don't, apparently, not so much.

[anna121]

He sounds like a very difficult person to be in a relationship with and I'm wondering how it's rewarding for you?

 

That said, this is the exact same guy behaving in the exact same way as on your other thread, and you are doing your scripted role as well.

 

If you WANT to be in a relationship with this person who handles stress and conflict the way he does (I have to assume that the rest of it is very positive) the only thing to do is to change the way you react to him during these times. It is taking the whole responsibility on yourself, but that's the only choice since you can't change another person.

 

It seems obvious to me that when he starts to feel overwhelmed, some resentment surfaces about how your schedule is so full that there are only narrow, specific times when your relationship can happen. He's probably ok with it in general, but when he gets stressed it probably feels like a burdensome situation.

 

Again, I am not putting this on you, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

 

From my perspective, the only way to react to this type of situation to prevent it from escalating is for you to be nice and COMPLETELY back off until he no longer feels stressed and is in the mood to enjoy time with you, rather than "make the effort to spend time together because that's what people in relationships do." Which I agree with, but if a person is stressed out it sounds like part of a job.

 

And, the only time you can talk about this dynamic is when it is NOWHERE in sight. Talking about it while it's happening is adding fuel to it.

 

Ok, this all only holds water if you really really want to be with him and the good parts far outweigh his crappy way at handling stress and conflict.

 

I strongly agree with all of this. I also agree with clia's take on the cancellations - they were disappointing, I'm sure, but you reacted awfully strongly to what is really a case of "stuff happens". I mean, if he cancelled on you alot (more than twice) that wouldn't be good but I get the feeling that he was just overwhelmed and needed a night off, ie., seeing you would not be relaxing in that particular moment. That is not necessarily a great thing to hear, but it CAN happen occasionally and not be a bad sign. But your reaction set off his conflict-avoidant reaction and everything escalated from there.

 

Unfortunately, you two just don't seem compatible in terms of how you deal with stress and disappointment, or your expectations around relationships/events. So while it's great that you CAN have a good time, the inability to deal with setbacks doesn't bode well at all.

[anna121]

Oops, I also wanted to say Happy Birthday.

[newheart]

I strongly agree with all of this. I also agree with clia's take on the cancellations - they were disappointing, I'm sure, but you reacted awfully strongly to what is really a case of "stuff happens". I mean, if he cancelled on you alot (more than twice) that wouldn't be good but I get the feeling that he was just overwhelmed and needed a night off, ie., seeing you would not be relaxing in that particular moment. That is not necessarily a great thing to hear, but it CAN happen occasionally and not be a bad sign. But your reaction set off his conflict-avoidant reaction and everything escalated from there.

 

Unfortunately, you two just don't seem compatible in terms of how you deal with stress and disappointment, or your expectations around relationships/events. So while it's great that you CAN have a good time, the inability to deal with setbacks doesn't bode well at all.

 

While I don't want you to be, I think you are probably right about this. I wish there was a way to repair that.

 

I know I reacted strongly ... I just missed him, it was not typical to not see him at all over the weekend nor during the week, and I was expecting to spend some time with him around my birthday. I didn't handle it the best way, perhaps, but I don't think I was entirely crazy in wanting that from my partner.

[newheart]

Oops, I also wanted to say Happy Birthday.

 

Thank you Anna and Midwest!

[olivetree]

I think you reacted strongly because your bf doesn't make you feel safe and secure.

[andie1969]

Have you two talked about your long term plans at all? Do you see yourselves living together in the near future? I know you have children at home, but you have been together a while now and usually about the time people start to think about these things.

 

Happy Birthday!!

[newheart]

Have you two talked about your long term plans at all? Do you see yourselves living together in the near future? I know you have children at home, but you have been together a while now and usually about the time people start to think about these things.

 

Happy Birthday!!

 

Thank you, Andie!

 

No, we have not. So, this is really a source of uneasiness for me. I think twice, he's made a remark regarding financial information that he felt it was important I know, and that is the only vague inkling that maybe he would think of combining our lives. I've recently been discussing this with my therapist, unsure of how to approach the topic with him. (In fact, before this happened, my homework was to write out what I would want to say if I had no reservations, to discuss with her) It has been on my mind lately because I don't know what his thoughts are, or if he had any desire for that at all. I wasn't looking for any changes in our living arrangements anytime soon, but I would like to eventually share a home with a partner, and I didn't know if that was something he was interested in again. I guess this being on my mind may have also contributed to my sensitivity.

 

That said, I can't imagine living with someone who I have such a barrier communicating with.

[newheart]

Update

 

He sent me another text last night:

 

Just got in from clearing snow and wanted to say happy birthday. I hope you had a nice day. I am hopping in the shower!

 

I replied: Thank you. I stayed home, so it was a quiet day in PJs which was nice. I hope your day wasn't too crazy with the storm.

 

And that is it.

[hippychick3]

Update

 

He sent me another text last night:

 

Just got in from clearing snow and wanted to say happy birthday. I hope you had a nice day. I am hopping in the shower!

 

I replied: Thank you. I stayed home, so it was a quiet day in PJs which was nice. I hope your day wasn't too crazy with the storm.

 

And that is it.

 

I'm sorry, Newheart. That was incredibly cold from a man you've been with for over a year. I would just move on at this point.

[newheart]

I'm sorry, Newheart. That was incredibly cold from a man you've been with for over a year. I would just move on at this point.

 

I thought so too, although I am so confused, sometimes I overreact so badly that I don't even trust my own judgement.

 

I wanted to give him some time and space to think about what I wrote Wednesday night, but at the same time, not even a phone call for my birthday, and I feel like he added the "hopping in the shower" to discourage me contacting him. Or, I am over-analyzing again. I figured that he didn't call because he wasn't ready to discuss us yet, or my reaction to him canceling plans, but I don't know. I am tired of guessing. I just don't know.

 

 

ETA: I just realized my reply says delivered, it appears he didn't even read it.

Edited February 10, 2017 by newheart

[Eternal Sunshine]

It sounds like he emotionally checked out.

 

I would seriously consider ending it at this point.

[newheart]

It sounds like he emotionally checked out.

 

I would seriously consider ending it at this point.

 

Do I need to even say anything? I mean ... I guess I feel like it is obvious, and I think he is just waiting for me to do it, or if I let it go I just won't hear from him and it's done. OTOH, it feels unsettled after over a year, spending so much time with his family, my kids, etc. and it seems cold to do via text.

[Redhead14]

Do I need to even say anything? I mean ... I guess I feel like it is obvious, and I think he is just waiting for me to do it, or if I let it go I just won't hear from him and it's done. OTOH, it feels unsettled after over a year, spending so much time with his family, my kids, etc. and it seems cold to do via text.

 

If I were you, I'd just stop reaching out to him first. If he contacts you, you can respond but don't ask him to come over. Get really busy with you own life and focused on just you for a while. I mean actually busy with your life. Frankly, when you realized he wasn't coming for your birthday, you should have made some plans for yourself and told him that.

 

I'm not advocating passive-aggressive behavior, I'm advocating demonstrating to him that you are not going to make him a priority in your life when he isn't doing the same for you. When/if he realizes or notices, you explain to him that you want a more active/proactive partner in a relationship and that when that is lacking, you can and will fill the void with things that make you happy and if you have to do that often, you'll be finding that you're content without him. And, then let him talk.

 

For now, sit back a little. I'd tell you to end it right now, however, it's been a year and YOU are at least really invested in the relationship so I'd try to let this play out a little longer and taking a little more control for yourself/of yourself and observe his response. You seem to have to pull on him and that's not working, so do something different and let go of the "rope", so to speak. If you are correct about the fact that he is wanting to end it, you'll have a more clear picture. I mean, if he just lets things fade, you'll know. And, even if he comes running after you, you still need to think about the relationship overall -- how happy have you really been? If you're still stressing and feeling insecure after a year, there's a problem anyway -- it feels unsettled after over a year

[newheart]

If I were you, I'd just stop reaching out to him first. If he contacts you, you can respond but don't ask him to come over. Get really busy with you own life and focused on just you for a while. I mean actually busy with your life. Frankly, when you realized he wasn't coming for your birthday, you should have made some plans for yourself and told him that.

 

I'm not advocating passive-aggressive behavior, I'm advocating demonstrating to him that you are not going to make him a priority in your life when he isn't doing the same for you. When/if he realizes or notices, you explain to him that you want a more active/proactive partner in a relationship and that when that is lacking, you can and will fill the void with things that make you happy and if you have to do that often, you'll be finding that you're content without him. And, then let him talk.

 

For now, sit back a little. I'd tell you to end it right now, however, it's been a year and YOU are at least really invested in the relationship so I'd try to let this play out a little longer and taking a little more control for yourself/of yourself and observe his response. You seem to have to pull on him and that's not working, so do something different and let go of the "rope", so to speak. If you are correct about the fact that he is wanting to end it, you'll have a more clear picture. I mean, if he just lets things fade, you'll know. And, even if he comes running after you, you still need to think about the relationship overall -- how happy have you really been? If you're still stressing and feeling insecure after a year, there's a problem anyway -- it feels unsettled after over a year

 

Thank you, RedHead. I haven't initiated any contact since this happened, I only responded to his texts. I will just continue to sit back for now.

 

I will have to figure out a way to stay busy this weekend.

[Zahara]

Update

 

He sent me another text last night:

 

Just got in from clearing snow and wanted to say happy birthday. I hope you had a nice day. I am hopping in the shower!

 

I replied: Thank you. I stayed home, so it was a quiet day in PJs which was nice. I hope your day wasn't too crazy with the storm.

 

And that is it.

 

I'm sorry, Newheart. In my past experience with someone who exhibited these traits, communication is a huge barrier. He's hiding behind text messaging to avoid intimate contact with you over the phone. The "hopping in the shower" sounds so much like what I had to go through. Putting up little walls to enforce distance and to minimize connection. Especially happens when things get a little heavy.

 

I'm sorry he could not muster a phone call on your birthday. You certainly deserve more from someone you've invested this much time, emotion and effort.

[Redhead14]

Thank you, RedHead. I haven't initiated any contact since this happened, I only responded to his texts. I will just continue to sit back for now.

 

I will have to figure out a way to stay busy this weekend.

 

Like I said, I don't advocate passive-aggressiveness, but I do advocate responding in kind. You have made your displeasure known to him about the situation and he has responded with indifference/been less than proactive. If you hadn't communicated with him about this situation and now pulling back, etc., that would be passive-aggressive. Making him "guess" what's wrong

 

He knows what's wrong, he needs to address it. If he doesn't, hasta la vista, baby. He's been this way for a year, apparently, I don't think you've been "unreasonable".

 

Go do something really fun! Have lots to tell him and think about what he's missed/missing. Show him what you want by doing it for yourself. In fact, go out and buy yourself a really nice thing you've always wanted and tell him what you bought yourself for your birthday!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have read some of your old threads and you sound like such a warm and giving person. He sounds evasive and avoidant and you can sense this on an intuitive level which increases your anxiety. I don't think you did anything wrong and I find your reactions perfectly natural. You just kind of got stuck on a wrong person. Sure, you could have been cooler and more strategic but it kind of sucks when your wonderful willingness to give is not reciprocated. It sucks when you have to pretzel yourself into something you are not and play these games of restraining your natural reactions. That to me is always a sign that a relationship is wrong for me.

 

But...you obviously love this man and have now invested over a year into this so it's totally understandable that it's hard to just cut it off. I would take Red's advice at this point as a last ditch effort. You really have nothing to lose and however it plays out, at least you won't be kicking yourself later "if only I have been patient a little bit longer..."

 

Happy belated birthday

[hippychick3]

Do I need to even say anything? I mean ... I guess I feel like it is obvious, and I think he is just waiting for me to do it, or if I let it go I just won't hear from him and it's done. OTOH, it feels unsettled after over a year, spending so much time with his family, my kids, etc. and it seems cold to do via text.

 

I would say nothing else at this point and just move on. You've already bent over backwards for this guy, and he's treating you poorly. He doesn't seem capable of having a healthy dialogue. You deserve better.

[Gaeta]

Why after 16 months dating when the man has a bad week you immediately assume he wants to end the relationship?

 

All I see is a man that got an overwhelming week and you added to this stress with 'me me me' request.

 

In your situation I would have left him alone and concentrate on my own thing. Actually a similar thing happened to me last week. BF went to his place for a couple of days, he was suppose to come back on Monday night and he decided not to. Tuesday he was talking about coming back to my place and I said: Nah, tonight is not a good night. By Wednesday he was telling me how he could not spend another day without seeing me. I also did not text him at all, or call him at all from Sunday to Wednesday. When you feel your guy's mood is shifting you've got to leave him alone and fall off the radar. He'll come back running in no time.

 

Same thing concerning your birthday. You're turning 40 it's no big deal he does something for your birthday a couple of days later.

 

We all have ups and downs. I am 51 years old and my hormones are making me miserable at times. It does happen I am not myself for an entire week and my BF does feel I am off and not connected to him. It's a chance (thank god) he does not conclude automatically that I have checked out of our relationship.

[olivetree]

Why after 16 months dating when the man has a bad week you immediately assume he wants to end the relationship?

 

All I see is a man that got an overwhelming week and you added to this stress with 'me me me' request.

 

In your situation I would have left him alone and concentrate on my own thing. Actually a similar thing happened to me last week. BF went to his place for a couple of days, he was suppose to come back on Monday night and he decided not to. Tuesday he was talking about coming back to my place and I said: Nah, tonight is not a good night. By Wednesday he was telling me how he could not spend another day without seeing me. I also did not text him at all, or call him at all from Sunday to Wednesday. When you feel your guy's mood is shifting you've got to leave him alone and fall off the radar. He'll come back running in no time.

 

Same thing concerning your birthday. You're turning 40 it's no big deal he does something for your birthday a couple of days later.

 

We all have ups and downs. I am 51 years old and my hormones are making me miserable at times. It does happen I am not myself for an entire week and my BF does feel I am off and not connected to him. It's a chance (thank god) he does not conclude automatically that I have checked out of our relationship.

 

I think you need to look at the greater context of the relationship.

 

Such things like a bad week are no big deal to you because you know where you stand with your bf.

I'm guessing he makes you feel loved and secure.

There is no need to read into things.

 

When we feel that safety it is so easy to brush off the minor things because we trust our partner.

 

That is not what is going on here.

And I would absolutely expect my bf of a year to do more than send me a text on my birthday.

If we couldn't be together, he could at least pick up the damn phone.

 

Newheart, the bottom line is that your needs aren't being met, and those needs are personal to you and don't need to be justified or agreed with by anyone else.

Though I think you're finding a lot of people on here find your needs quite reasonable!

[Gaeta]

When we feel that safety it is so easy to brush off the minor things because we trust our partner.

then we need to ask her what she's doing in a relationship of 16 months who never reached the `feeling safe`

 

That is not what is going on here.

And I would absolutely expect my bf of a year to do more than send me a text on my birthday.

If we couldn't be together, he could at least pick up the damn phone

 

He may surprise her this weekend for her birthday.

[olivetree]

then we need to ask her what she's doing in a relationship of 16 months who never reached the `feeling safe`

 

That is exactly what we have been questioning.

 

He may surprise her this weekend for her birthday.

 

That doesn't prevent him from phoning her on her birthday.