Need a reality check - BF canceled plans, how to proceed?

[Miss Peach]

I went through something similar recently with my BF but we haven't been together as long as you (4 months). FWIW, the second time he treated me like that and cancelled plans I talked to him about it. I told him I had something to discuss to get his attention and I told him my time is important and I'm not upset about not seeing him but that I was upset to be cancelled on and that I could have made better use of my time and that if this was how it would be, then he wouldn't get priority in my plans. Then I changed the subject. He did it to me again the next week.

 

Every time he sent me anything I still was sweet as always but I went ahead with my own things and didn't initiate anything with him. He tried last minute to make plans with me and I was busy with my own things so he missed time with me. A few evenings later he was freaking out.

 

It's only been a few weeks since his freak out but he's done a 180 since so far since I have shown him that behaving like that results in no plans with me. He's set up a shared calendar, he's making plans farther in advance to make sure he sees me, he's putting time with me as a priority again.

 

I don't know if it will work long-term as I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that's what I did. If he hadn't stepped up then I would have ended it and I was prepared for that.

 

The advice I had gotten from my guy friends was to 'stop nagging' and to show him in action.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Miss Peach

[newheart]

then we need to ask her what she's doing in a relationship of 16 months who never reached the `feeling safe`

 

 

Because it hasn't been 16 month of days like this; it generally has been a relationship full of wonderful times, but when there is a conflict it turns into a situation where he completely retreats. I thought we could work through this. I thought the insecurities were entirely my own doing, and that it was my responsibility alone to get over it.

[newheart]

I went through something similar recently with my BF but we haven't been together as long as you (4 months). FWIW, the second time he treated me like that and cancelled plans I talked to him about it. I told him I had something to discuss to get his attention and I told him my time is important and I'm not upset about not seeing him but that I was upset to be cancelled on and that I could have made better use of my time and that if this was how it would be, then he wouldn't get priority in my plans. Then I changed the subject. He did it to me again the next week.

 

Every time he sent me anything I still was sweet as always but I went ahead with my own things and didn't initiate anything with him. He tried last minute to make plans with me and I was busy with my own things so he missed time with me. A few evenings later he was freaking out.

 

It's only been a few weeks since his freak out but he's done a 180 since so far since I have shown him that behaving like that results in no plans with me. He's set up a shared calendar, he's making plans farther in advance to make sure he sees me, he's putting time with me as a priority again.

 

I don't know if it will work long-term as I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that's what I did. If he hadn't stepped up then I would have ended it and I was prepared for that.

 

The advice I had gotten from my guy friends was to 'stop nagging' and to show him in action.

 

Thank you, Ms. Peach. You and Gaeta had similar suggestions, and I do understand and appreciate what you are both saying.

 

However, I don't think this would really work in my relationship, as I think this is a deeper issue. I also would feel like I am not being myself, and I just don't want to have to play games to get his attention back at 16 months in. And if it weren't for the fact that this happened over my birthday, and that he knew how disappointed I was but didn't make an effort to discuss, say sorry, or reschedule anything, maybe I could try something like this? But at this point, I don't think that is the fix.

 

Good luck with your guy! It was good you did this early on, and will see if he continues to keep putting you first!

[Gaeta]

Because it hasn't been 16 month of days like this; it generally has been a relationship full of wonderful times, but when there is a conflict it turns into a situation where he completely retreats. I thought we could work through this. I thought the insecurities were entirely my own doing, and that it was my responsibility alone to get over it.

 

Then you need to accept that is how he processes conflicts.

 

You won't change him. Not at his age.

 

If you have mostly good wonderful times then these good and wonderful times should carry you through those occasional times he wants to retreat. And you should be able to recognize he wants some time off and not interpret it as he is breaking up. That is why you broke up back in October because you threaten him with a break up.

 

When he wants some space you think he wants to break up and when things don't go your way you threaten to break up.

 

In a relationship the word 'break up' should never be used unless you are are actually breaking up.

[Redhead14]

Because it hasn't been 16 month of days like this; it generally has been a relationship full of wonderful times, but when there is a conflict it turns into a situation where he completely retreats. I thought we could work through this. I thought the insecurities were entirely my own doing, and that it was my responsibility alone to get over it.

 

but when there is a conflict it turns into a situation where he completely retreats. -- Conflict resolution skills is one of the biggest stumbling points in relationships. Generally, the partner who is avoidant/dismissive/isn't participating in issues, etc. also is the partner who is not sharing and keeping secrets about other things in the relationship - i.e. financial problems, because they don't want to "rock the boat" and/or just want to handle everything themselves. It's a control issue . . .

 

And, when a partner feels as though they aren't being heard and/or that their needs are being dismissed, resentment ensues and poisons the relationship long-term. These are the things that "never go away". The partner feels unimportant/insignificant which further feeds any insecurity they may already have and erodes confidence over time.

 

I should also add, that each time she feels unheard/dismissed, she too becomes avoidant. She will stop expressing her needs and starts going along for the "ride".

Edited February 10, 2017 by Redhead14

[newheart]

Then you need to accept that is how he processes conflicts.

 

You won't change him. Not at his age.

 

If you have mostly good wonderful times then these good and wonderful times should carry you through those occasional times he wants to retreat. And you should be able to recognize he wants some time off and not interpret it as he is breaking up. (true, I need to work on this for any relationship, I suppose) That is why you broke up back in October because you threaten him with a break up.

 

When he wants some space you think he wants to break up (yes, this is true) and when things don't go your way you threaten to break up (I've not done this).

 

In a relationship the word 'break up' should never be used unless you are are actually breaking up.

 

I completely agree with you, except that I did not threaten him with a break up in October, or ever. You probably remember that I made a mistake and thought he broke up with me, and I was devastated. I don't really think that is the same thing as threatening a break up, although the topic was of separation. And this time, I told him I didn't feel like I spent enough time with him. I said I hoped I was wrong, but it seemed like we were on different pages, and that I loved him and wanted to be with him, to take time to process and let me know. While I agree maybe those words were a little much, I don't really see how I am 'threatening a breakup', but maybe I am only looking at these words from my own perspective and not seeing how they could be perceived. I have never, ever used the words "break up" with him.

[Dis]

Hi newheart!

 

I have so much to say about all this...dont know where to start

 

hippychick was right, sending you a cold, dismissive text for your birthday and nothing more is just unacceptable on his part..esp after 16 months of dating

 

Eternal Sunshine is also right about twisting yourself up and contorting into something your not meant to be is a sign a relationship isnt working for you

 

Olive tree was right about many things too

 

I've read your past threads, it sounds like you've always had a lot of anxiety with dating and thats caused you to distrust your own instincts (been there) but I think you need to take a step back and learn to re-trust your own gut

 

I've been in relationships where I didnt feel safe, I had constant anxiety, I felt I couldnt express myself....Why? Because I wasnt safe, because I had a reason to be anxious, because those guys werent right for me...just like this guy isnt right for you!

 

Please start to think about what YOU deserve based on what you have to offer. You sound like such a sweet, giving person....therfore there is no reason why you should expect anything less from your partner. I get that we all have bad weeks and bad days where we just want to be alone but you wouldnt feel so bothered by one bad week if this guy had usually given you what you needed

 

Stand up for yourself, your piece of mind, and take your power back. I think you'll find so much relief if you end things. I dont think you're going to realize how much strife this relationship is causing you until you get out of it (been there too)

 

Do what you need to do to have a clean and complete breakup....but for your own health and sanity...do it soon

 

Happy late birthday I'm rooting for you

[Miss Peach]

However, I don't think this would really work in my relationship, as I think this is a deeper issue. I also would feel like I am not being myself, and I just don't want to have to play games to get his attention back at 16 months in. And if it weren't for the fact that this happened over my birthday, and that he knew how disappointed I was but didn't make an effort to discuss, say sorry, or reschedule anything, maybe I could try something like this? But at this point, I don't think that is the fix.

 

Good luck with your guy! It was good you did this early on, and will see if he continues to keep putting you first!

 

I don't see it as playing games. I gave him a boundary with a consequence and he felt the consequence when he tried to run over the boundary. Any decent adult man should know that people don't like to be cancelled on with short notice because something more interesting came up which is what my BF did. I'm sure your BF can guess he should at least acknowledge your birthday. Even if that's not a big deal to you, he should know it's not nice to delay and then cancel on someone. It's perfectly fine to assert the boundary when they behave like crap which can include anything up to being kicked out of your life. A boundary is what YOU will and will not put up with; not what he wants to do.

 

I can't link it here due to LS rules but I highly recommend searching for an article on the blog Baggage Reclaim called 'Women who think and talk too much'. It's what you are doing to him and many men interpret that as nagging and that he can do whatever he wants. If you type this into google, the first two articles I feel will be good reads for you:

Baggage Reclaim 'Women who think and talk too much'

 

but when there is a conflict it turns into a situation where he completely retreats. -- Conflict resolution skills is one of the biggest stumbling points in relationships. Generally, the partner who is avoidant/dismissive/isn't participating in issues, etc. also is the partner who is not sharing and keeping secrets about other things in the relationship

 

FWIW, this was why I ended my last relationship of a year and a half. He would withdraw rather than communicate and he couldn't even hold hope for a second that I wasn't meaning any harm when I sent really simple texts like asking what time he needed my help. Our fights were always about little misunderstandings that shouldn't have needed to blow up. Even though in many ways he was wonderful and treated me really well, he didn't have the communication skills to be a good husband.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Miss Peach

[newheart]

Hi newheart!

 

I have so much to say about all this...dont know where to start

 

hippychick was right, sending you a cold, dismissive text for your birthday and nothing more is just unacceptable on his part..esp after 16 months of dating

 

Eternal Sunshine is also right about twisting yourself up and contorting into something your not meant to be is a sign a relationship isnt working for you

 

Olive tree was right about many things too

 

I've read your past threads, it sounds like you've always had a lot of anxiety with dating and thats caused you to distrust your own instincts (been there) but I think you need to take a step back and learn to re-trust your own gut

 

I've been in relationships where I didnt feel safe, I had constant anxiety, I felt I couldnt express myself....Why? Because I wasnt safe, because I had a reason to be anxious, because those guys werent right for me...just like this guy isnt right for you!

 

Please start to think about what YOU deserve based on what you have to offer. You sound like such a sweet, giving person....therfore there is no reason why you should expect anything less from your partner. I get that we all have bad weeks and bad days where we just want to be alone but you wouldnt feel so bothered by one bad week if this guy had usually given you what you needed

 

Stand up for yourself, your piece of mind, and take your power back. I think you'll find so much relief if you end things. I dont think you're going to realize how much strife this relationship is causing you until you get out of it (been there too)

 

Do what you need to do to have a clean and complete breakup....but for your own health and sanity...do it soon

 

Happy late birthday I'm rooting for you

 

Thank you so much, Dis. This is very sweet and supportive, and I really needed this tonight. It is funny, because I haven't had THIS level of anxiety with a partner in the past, ever. When this happened, I started to question if this was the right person. I have to be honest, my therapist told me that I had so much anxiety because he was finally the right person, because I had so many more feelings for him than other partners in the past (which, the feelings part was true). Who knows, but I know that if I felt reassured and safe in our relationship, then having a week apart or a couple cancellations may not have been the end of the world.

 

I also know that even if I call and ask my boyfriend why we couldn't have had dinner together (oh, the horror!) he shouldn't have reacted by refusing to discuss it with me, not calling me for my birthday, and disappearing.

 

Anyway, thank you. This is clearly the end of the road. After our initial communication breakdown when we reconciled, he held me tight and told me that he didn't deserve me. I should have listened to him then.

[Dis]

Thank you so much, Dis. This is very sweet and supportive, and I really needed this tonight. It is funny, because I haven't had THIS level of anxiety with a partner in the past, ever. When this happened, I started to question if this was the right person. I have to be honest, my therapist told me that I had so much anxiety because he was finally the right person, because I had so many more feelings for him than other partners in the past (which, the feelings part was true). Who knows, but I know that if I felt reassured and safe in our relationship, then having a week apart or a couple cancellations may not have been the end of the world.

 

I also know that even if I call and ask my boyfriend why we couldn't have had dinner together (oh, the horror!) he shouldn't have reacted by refusing to discuss it with me, not calling me for my birthday, and disappearing.

 

Anyway, thank you. This is clearly the end of the road. After our initial communication breakdown when we reconciled, he held me tight and told me that he didn't deserve me. I should have listened to him then.

 

Of course girl!

 

The bold, always remember the bold. You've lost sight of what you deserve. I've done it many times myself. Its empowering when we remember everything we're worth...I'm so glad you're doing that now

 

The way he handles conflict is so unfair to you. Its left you boxing up your feelings and walking on egg shells...no wonder why you feel so anxious...you had to turn into a different person to suit him

 

I'm so sorry your going through this newheart. But you've taken the first step to regaining you're piece of mind and power, by realizing its not going to work. I know this is all so sad and disheartening but I truly believe that once he's out of your life...you're going to feel a sense of peace that you havent felt in a very long time

[newheart]

I don't see it as playing games. I gave him a boundary with a consequence and he felt the consequence when he tried to run over the boundary. Any decent adult man should know that people don't like to be cancelled on with short notice because something more interesting came up which is what my BF did. I'm sure your BF can guess he should at least acknowledge your birthday. Even if that's not a big deal to you, he should know it's not nice to delay and then cancel on someone. It's perfectly fine to assert the boundary when they behave like crap which can include anything up to being kicked out of your life. A boundary is what YOU will and will not put up with; not what he wants to do.

 

I can't link it here due to LS rules but I highly recommend searching for an article on the blog Baggage Reclaim called 'Women who think and talk too much'. It's what you are doing to him and many men interpret that as nagging and that he can do whatever he wants. If you type this into google, the first two articles I feel will be good reads for you:

Baggage Reclaim 'Women who think and talk too much'

 

 

 

FWIW, this was why I ended my last relationship of a year and a half. He would withdraw rather than communicate and he couldn't even hold hope for a second that I wasn't meaning any harm when I sent really simple texts like asking what time he needed my help. Our fights were always about little misunderstandings that shouldn't have needed to blow up. Even though in many ways he was wonderful and treated me really well, he didn't have the communication skills to be a good husband.

 

Hi Peach,

 

I just wanted to clarify that I was in no way accusing you of playing games as you described your current situation - I just felt like that was what I would be doing if I changed my approach this far in to our relationship. But when you explain it as setting boundaries, I get that too ... it makes sense, and I appreciate it. Still, I don't see recovering from this. Last time, I pursued him to talk it out because it was so shocking and confusing. This time, I have some insight as to who he is, how he operates, and that won't happen. I fully believe he is so stubborn and will just see this as my fault, that if I don't contact him, I won't hear from him again.

 

I wanted to say that you really described him there ^ We didn't fight often, but honestly, I let so much go because I knew he'd do his disappearing act if I challenged him. It became apparent to me that he had huge communication issues with his family - he didn't talk to his brother for 3 weeks because he wouldn't let him come to his house on the time he chose on Christmas. Even when his brother extended an olive branch by buying the family tickets to an event, my XBF ignored his text and referred to it being like "domestic violence when the wife is kicked out, but then the husband buys her a gift". I thought his reaction was odd and extreme. One time, he told me he asked his parents if we could all carpool to a family event, and then we found out that they left without us. He was really upset with them, and I was surprised, saying I couldn't believe that they'd leave us. When I questioned him further on what he asked them, I found out that he never told them we wanted to carpool - he only asked them to let him know when they planned on leaving. They forgot, they didn't know we expected a ride - how could they? Yet he was upset with them anyway. This demonstrates how in the past, he just didn't express what he wanted or needed with me, but held me to these invisible expectations, so I felt destined to never measure up.

 

Don't get me wrong, we've had many wonderful memories too, and he can be very sweet and caring. When I think of these memories, my heart breaks. But right now I have to focus on the fact that here I am, alone, and he hasn't even cared to try to salvage this. So, that speaks volumes.

 

Thank you for your posts!

[SeenNotHeard]

Sorry you are going through this newheart. It just seems so uncaring the way he is treating you lately. The casual text on your 40th BD, so not cool from a partner, from a casual acquaintance it would be OK. You are worth so much more than this.

[newheart]

Sorry you are going through this newheart. It just seems so uncaring the way he is treating you lately. The casual text on your 40th BD, so not cool from a partner, from a casual acquaintance it would be OK. You are worth so much more than this.

 

Thank you. I go back and forth ... I agree, but then I think what if I never called that night and brought it up, maybe we would have discussed this at a better time and none of this would have happened. On the other hand, it doesn't seem fair that I bottle up feelings to just avoid conflict with him, all because I know silence is the result. And honestly, I don't feel this disappearance can be entirely from just this week, there has to be more.

 

I don't really have an update. Nothing from him, which to me, speaks volumes. Yes, he said he needed time to sort this out and I told him take time to process. But, we weren't fighting, it was my birthday and now the entire week / weekend is gone, and when we went through this last time, we agreed that we'd pause and regroup for a day but that there wouldn't be any silent treatment, even if it means that we say goodbye. It's kind of embarrassing, really, because I feel like I must have been blind to some other issues I didn't see. How could I have cared so deeply for someone who so obviously didn't feel the same?

 

I've been strong, I haven't reached out to him, and I won't. I honestly believe if I did, we'd probably talk and maybe start the cycle all over again, but that wouldn't solve anything. I miss him, and I keep thinking of all the great things about us, and things we had planned. I don't understand it, but I don't think I ever will.

 

I did get out of the house yesterday for some retail therapy, then drinks with a good friend. I felt strong then, felt so sure of myself, even to the point that if he contacted me, I'd not hesitate to tell him that there was nothing left to talk about. I was hoping, though, that he wouldn't reach out (and this still stands, kind of) because faced with it, I am not sure I'd be so strong. The flip side is though, it is really bizarre to think of our relationship ending without a word, with the last text between us being about my birthday.

 

Anyway ... thank you everyone for the continued support.

[Dis]

Thank you. I go back and forth ... I agree, but then I think what if I never called that night and brought it up, maybe we would have discussed this at a better time and none of this would have happened. On the other hand, it doesn't seem fair that I bottle up feelings to just avoid conflict with him, all because I know silence is the result. And honestly, I don't feel this disappearance can be entirely from just this week, there has to be more.

 

I don't really have an update. Nothing from him, which to me, speaks volumes. Yes, he said he needed time to sort this out and I told him take time to process. But, we weren't fighting, it was my birthday and now the entire week / weekend is gone, and when we went through this last time, we agreed that we'd pause and regroup for a day but that there wouldn't be any silent treatment, even if it means that we say goodbye. It's kind of embarrassing, really, because I feel like I must have been blind to some other issues I didn't see. How could I have cared so deeply for someone who so obviously didn't feel the same?

 

I've been strong, I haven't reached out to him, and I won't. I honestly believe if I did, we'd probably talk and maybe start the cycle all over again, but that wouldn't solve anything. I miss him, and I keep thinking of all the great things about us, and things we had planned. I don't understand it, but I don't think I ever will.

 

I did get out of the house yesterday for some retail therapy, then drinks with a good friend. I felt strong then, felt so sure of myself, even to the point that if he contacted me, I'd not hesitate to tell him that there was nothing left to talk about. I was hoping, though, that he wouldn't reach out (and this still stands, kind of) because faced with it, I am not sure I'd be so strong. The flip side is though, it is really bizarre to think of our relationship ending without a word, with the last text between us being about my birthday.

 

Anyway ... thank you everyone for the continued support.

 

Hey girl!

 

Wtf is this man so upset about???? He's acting like you took a baseball bat to his car or something. He cant even talk this out like an adult??? And he's the one who wronged you, not the other way around. If he was a real man he'd have come to you and made this right

 

Its not fair for you to suppress your feelings out of fear for how he may react if you do. Thats no way to live. If you were being unreasonable, then maybe...but you're not. Everything you're feeling is understandable and fair

 

I know you're still processing all this, 16 months is a good chunk of time. I think the sooner you end this the better though. I do not think you should have the break up talk because hes so shut down, it wouldnt be productive. Maybe write him a letter, or email (no text) and then go ahead and block him. If he really wants to talk to you he'll find you. I can tell you when I blocked my exs it gave me a lot of closure. It made it final. Dont keep yourself in limbo waiting for him to get in touch with you, because if he ever does...its not going to be enough and its not going to fix things....hes broken

 

You've seen his true colors now, time to call the curtain

 

Xoxo, keep being strong. We're here for you

[newheart]

Hey girl!

 

Wtf is this man so upset about???? He's acting like you took a baseball bat to his car or something. He cant even talk this out like an adult??? And he's the one who wronged you, not the other way around. If he was a real man he'd have come to you and made this right

 

Its not fair for you to suppress your feelings out of fear for how he may react if you do. Thats no way to live. If you were being unreasonable, then maybe...but you're not. Everything you're feeling is understandable and fair

 

I know you're still processing all this, 16 months is a good chunk of time. I think the sooner you end this the better though. I do not think you should have the break up talk because hes so shut down, it wouldnt be productive. Maybe write him a letter, or email (no text) and then go ahead and block him. If he really wants to talk to you he'll find you. I can tell you when I blocked my exs it gave me a lot of closure. It made it final. Dont keep yourself in limbo waiting for him to get in touch with you, because if he ever does...its not going to be enough and its not going to fix things....hes broken

 

You've seen his true colors now, time to call the curtain

 

Xoxo, keep being strong. We're here for you

 

Thank you for making me laugh!

 

I honestly wasn't planning on reaching out again, at all. Does it need to be said that I am ending the relationship, if clearly he isn't participating anymore anyway? I know it feels open ended, but I just don't want to contact him. Maybe I am being stubborn, but even if it is to end it, I feel like I laid everything out clearly for him and he doesn't deserve anymore attention from me. I did that last time - the texts, the letter, to explain. And when he read the letter he understood that nothing was as he thought it was, he misunderstood everything, but this is really a different situation. There wasn't even an argument this time.

 

I think he is somewhat broken, or we are just not compatible. When we got into our 'break' last time, he told me that he truly misinterpreted everything I said to be the opposite of how it was meant, he buried his head in the sand as a method of self protection, at some point he knew he messed up and missed me but he didn't know how to approach me so he just pretended it never happened. I mean, who does that? And yet, I felt awful for him, because I know what it is like to react to something that isn't really happening, as a result of your past. I don't know that this is what it is this time, though I suspect some degree of it, but clearly our relationship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.

[Dis]

Thank you for making me laugh!

 

I honestly wasn't planning on reaching out again, at all. Does it need to be said that I am ending the relationship, if clearly he isn't participating anymore anyway? I know it feels open ended, but I just don't want to contact him. Maybe I am being stubborn, but even if it is to end it, I feel like I laid everything out clearly for him and he doesn't deserve anymore attention from me. I did that last time - the texts, the letter, to explain. And when he read the letter he understood that nothing was as he thought it was, he misunderstood everything, but this is really a different situation. There wasn't even an argument this time.

 

I think he is somewhat broken, or we are just not compatible. When we got into our 'break' last time, he told me that he truly misinterpreted everything I said to be the opposite of how it was meant, he buried his head in the sand as a method of self protection, at some point he knew he messed up and missed me but he didn't know how to approach me so he just pretended it never happened. I mean, who does that? And yet, I felt awful for him, because I know what it is like to react to something that isn't really happening, as a result of your past. I don't know that this is what it is this time, though I suspect some degree of it, but clearly our relationship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.

 

Its a great sign that you dont want to reach out to say goodbye. You know theres nothing left to say and YES!...He doesnt deserve to hear from you! Yasss girl!! I think you've gotten to a place where you're accepting the reality of who he is and that its not going to work...whereas before you tried to fix it.

 

Good for you for finding your own closure and piece of mind! I never needed anything from my exs either. Just moved on. I think you also know that hes not going to give you closure and at this point you're exhausted from running after him for so long....I dont blame for for being ready to shut that door

 

I would go ahead and block him though. That way if he does text you down the road, you wont be set by back from hearing from him. And blocking kind of finalizes things. Its like moving the last box out of your old house. You know you wont be back there and you're moving on

 

Like I said before, the relief will come very soon. You'll know in your heart that you no longer have to walk on egg shells, or wait by the phone hoping to hear from him, or be disappointed by him. You'll be free

 

Tbh, I think hes broken. I dont think its a matter of compatiblity. All relationships require effective communication to survive

 

Hang in there girly!

[anna121]

I don't think you need to initiate any communication. I agree with blocking him and trying your darndest to forget about him. If he does manage to contact you, it's probably best that you tell him it's over.

[TheTraveler]

If a guy REALLY wanted you he would move heaven and earth to be with you on your big 40th birthday.

Are you talking about that measly storm that hit the northeast with less than a foot of snow? Get real. He would go to work and show up by any means possible for your big day. Even if it was a small gift and a home dinner. He would show up. Have fun playing games with a guy who doesn't really care about you

 

Just end it and move on

[newheart]

If a guy REALLY wanted you he would move heaven and earth to be with you on your big 40th birthday.

Are you talking about that measly storm that hit the northeast with less than a foot of snow? Get real. He would go to work and show up by any means possible for your big day. Even if it was a small gift and a home dinner. He would show up. Have fun playing games with a guy who doesn't really care about you

 

Just end it and move on

 

I know that this is true. I didn't even ask to do anything on my actual birthday, but the weekend following we were supposed to spend together. I didn't ask for a party, or even to go out to dinner, I just wanted to spend time with him. I could have lived with the Wednesday cancellation if he showed the tiniest bit of care for having to reschedule, but instead he disappears with his usual "I need to sort this out". I feel like a real fool.

[Gaeta]

but instead he disappears with his usual "I need to sort this out". I feel like a real fool.

 

I am sorry this did not unfold as you wished. What a shame he cannot show you some consideration after 16 months dating. I also think you should block him and offer yourself some quiet time.

 

I think this man egocentric and you weren't compatible on many levels.

[anna121]

I would be prepared for him to contact you and pretend that nothing has happened and that he is shocked by your reaction.

 

My advice? Don't get into it with him. Don't rehash what went on in October, your discussion then, or his p**s poor behaviour now. It will only make you go on the defensive and, god forbid, let him wriggle out of it again.

 

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

 

If he does contact you, simply say "this relationship isn't working for me. please don't contact me again".

[Miss Peach]

Hi Peach,

 

I just wanted to clarify that I was in no way accusing you of playing games as you described your current situation - I just felt like that was what I would be doing if I changed my approach this far in to our relationship. But when you explain it as setting boundaries, I get that too ... it makes sense, and I appreciate it. Still, I don't see recovering from this.

 

From the other things you posted I can totally see why there's no recovery from this. When I initially read it, I didn't realize all these other issues. I thought he had just got a bit absent-minded and needed to be shown some boundaries.

 

In my case, I sense current BF is a good guy and he cares about me but he's carrying a ton of bad habits still from his last relationship and I needed to show him I wouldn't put up with what his ex put up with.

 

When you posted more details, this guy is sounding like a man-child or something. I had a WTF can't this guy communicate reaction similar to the other poster. I can totally see why you are done with someone like this. That type of behavior just isn't sustainable for a LTR.

 

As you posted some of this stuff, it seriously made me think you were dating my ex-BF. At 18 months in he starting picking fights, couldn't communicate, and went silent on me for a few days. When he resurfaced he wanted to know why I didn't call him or why I wasn't apologizing. He didn't ignore my birthday but I could have written some of the other posts you wrote about our last few weeks in our relationship. In my case I'm convinced my XBF was doing it as a test (which is bad enough). In you case I can't tell whether it's a test or he's trying to get dumped. I would assume the latter and move on. He's right... he doesn't deserve you.

[newheart]

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the support. Today has been tough, being back at work (and tomorrow being what it is). I was never a huge Valentine's Day fan, but still. I know it doesn't matter, but I wonder what he will tell his family. They adored me, and I, them. It's probably why he's silent, so I can be the one to initiate the break up and he will have a story for them. He once told me that his sister was always mad at him every time he went through a break up and took the girls side - it's weird how I just remembered that. I can't recall the context, or why we were even discussing it, but seems to indicate to me that he probably has caused his past relationship deterioration.

 

Weird, last weekend on the phone he went on a rant about his mom, and how she didn't really support him during his divorce, she never visited, he had a new job, house, dogs, etc. - and that maybe she didn't offer help because he wasn't devastated by the ending of his marriage (I don't think this is true, btw), but he still is bothered by it. Thing is, it is a story I've heard before, that we have discussed before, and was just after I casually asked how his parents were because we hadn't seen them in a couple weeks.

 

I am rambling now ... lol

[anna121]

I was thinking about tomorrow too. I'm sorry.

 

Honestly, I doubt his family has much to do with his behaviour right now. He is avoiding the inevitable.

 

Stay strong. Don't reach out.

[newheart]

I was thinking about tomorrow too. I'm sorry.

 

Honestly, I doubt his family has much to do with his behaviour right now. He is avoiding the inevitable.

 

Stay strong. Don't reach out.

 

Oh, I know, and I won't. Thank you, Anna.