BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Ok...if I'm hearing you all correctly...he doesn't see forever with this girl..he wants to bang her...and I agree...I don't think he's thinking forever... so...given my situation...what do I do to show him that I'm moving on...not be an a-hole...but show him there are consequences... do I tell him we won't have family nights? no lunches? since you really see a future with this girl...move near her? what would you do? I just need some action items to stick to. I won't A) cuss him out...b) kick him out c) be cold...I'm going to be cordial while he's still in the home but try to not interact much...I just need help. I have no idea what he sees with her. It doesn't matter. I am concerned about you, and encouraging you to stop allowing yourself to be used by him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Yes our son knows they'll be moving soon. Haven't separated finances because he is trying to buy a house by 8/1. Once that goes through everything will be separated. Why 8/1? And your son knows that you won't be moving with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Listen.. the part about this that bothers me the most is that he has told you about his mistress... and that someday he will come back to you .. and you are standing there nodding your head yes to all this crap! You don't have to file... you don't have to figure out finances... you don't have to stand there and let him walk all over you! If you were my daughter ... first I would kick your butt for enabling him to do this and then I would hug you and bring you home to your old room and lock you in it And then I would go ring his ever loving neck for doing this to you. Can you talk to your mom? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Babe ... oh god you are younger than my own daughter!! Listen to me... you don't have to be mean .. but don't make it easy for him. He's the big stud here... let him figures it all out. Pretend he no longer exists in your world. Don't do anything to enable him to be a jerk. You truly need to do the 180 with this guy. You just became the center of your own universe and he is not a part of it. ok...I'll try it. thank you for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Why 8/1? And your son knows that you won't be moving with them? Yes - he knows that they are getting their own home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Why 8/1? And your son knows that you won't be moving with them? 8/1 to give him time to find a house/secure financing...get our equity sorted out etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Listen.. the part about this that bothers me the most is that he has told you about his mistress... and that someday he will come back to you .. and you are standing there nodding your head yes to all this crap! You don't have to file... you don't have to figure out finances... you don't have to stand there and let him walk all over you! If you were my daughter ... first I would kick your butt for enabling him to do this and then I would hug you and bring you home to your old room and lock you in it And then I would go ring his ever loving neck for doing this to you. Can you talk to your mom? but what would you do? I'm hearing that I should be the one filing...not to let him file....yes the financing help and allowing him to stay in the home is probably stupid but I am a woman of my word and I won't go back on what I said I'd do. What would you do in my situation knowing that I won't kick him out until 8/1...what would you do starting today? Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 but what would you do? I'm hearing that I should be the one filing...not to let him file....yes the financing help and allowing him to stay in the home is probably stupid but I am a woman of my word and I won't go back on what I said I'd do. What would you do in my situation knowing that I won't kick him out until 8/1...what would you do starting today? When you agreed to let him stay until 8/1 was that with the understanding that he was going to date openly and spend nights away from the house? For what its worth, I think he is a liar. His AP's husband my have kicked her out and kept custody. Of course he's not stupid enough to tell you that he plans to marry her, because you might stop being nice. What does your mom say about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 but what would you do? I'm hearing that I should be the one filing...not to let him file....yes the financing help and allowing him to stay in the home is probably stupid but I am a woman of my word and I won't go back on what I said I'd do. What would you do in my situation knowing that I won't kick him out until 8/1...what would you do starting today? First I would talk to my parents Second I would talk to a lawyer and find out what I should do legally Third I would talk to a therapist And I might talk to my minister Sit your husband down and tell him exactly what you feel. Tell him your fears and concerns and what is hurting you and what is making you angry. And tell him that you are not going to be mean to him and that you still love him... but you are not going to just roll over and play dead while he disrespects you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I think your husband is dialing back your expectations in hopes that you will eventually accept less. I'm not recommending this, but I wonder what his reaction would be if you started openly dating another man.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Your husband sucks. Why are you rolling over and taking this? Have you always been the type of woman that let's a dude walk all over you???? By being accommodating to this you are not being nice. You aren't doing your kids any favors showing them how to be a doormat. Either he's leaving you or he is not. There is no middle ground. Lady, in this situation, YOU are the awesome one. How could you forget that you are awesome??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 My husband is ending our marriage to start a relationship with her. She's leaving her marriage to start one with him. He says things like I'm the one. He sees a future with me. He feels like this will somehow bring us back together. There are things that we planned that he still feels like we'll accomplish when we get back together (like businesses etc)...he says he could see it in a couple of years...my name is "woman of my dreams" in his phone and he said he won't change it. He wants to buy a house in my neighborhood...you could literally throw a tennis ball at it and she and her kids are a good hour away...and it's two bedrooms...she's got two boys and he has one...so it's like he's not even considering her in that They already have trust issues...him more so with her. They haven't even lived together...met each other's kids...etc. For the first year and a half 99% of their relationship was emails and texts...phone calls at work...they really never saw each other...in November they decided to do this for real...so this hasn't really been "real" for 6 months...he's still living at home...she just moved out this month....I see signs that it won't work.... I don't know...I believe the things he says...he clearly isn't really thinking about the future...does he really see a future with me? Is this just fun for them? Ok so there's four pages of responses after this that I didn't read yet but I have to say this now He's doing this because YOU ARE LETTING HIM. If he really, REALLY feels that he will end up with you.....then THIS IS ALL JUST A SELFISH WAY TO GET WHAT HE WANTS AND STILL KEEP YOU. And I guarantee you he is telling her that he's only saying this to you so that you'll go along with the divorce and then "eventually she will move on and forget about reconciling" BEEN THERE DONE THAT! You wanna borrow my T shirt?? My husband said the same things. And I was weak weak weak weak and I let him get away with too much for too long but one thing I did not budge on was this: "If you divorce me, we are not friends. We don't know each other. We aren't in each others lives. The kids are old enough to make their own plans with you. I will move to another state so I don't have to deal with seeing my husband live what was supposed to me OUR life with someone else. I will never forgive you for not following through on your promises and vows. " Then I sat around and did he pick me dance until I said "forget it, you're not going to stop being with her so there's no use in doing this anymore so let's just get divorced already. " DONT LET HIM DO THIS. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 And why don't you find somewhere else to stay for a week or two. Don't tell him where or when or why. Just go. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Ibut what would you do? I'm hearing that I should be the one filing...not to let him file....yes the financing help and allowing him to stay in the home is probably stupid but I am a woman of my word and I won't go back on what I said I'd do. What would you do in my situation knowing that I won't kick him out until 8/1...what would you do starting today? What would I do if I were you starting today knowing nothing was going to change? I would lose myself in the hopelessness of the situation. Starting today my sense of self would chip away, my self worth would begin to crumble. But if I were me in your situation I would make changes. I would put myself first. I would look at him with different eyes. I would refuse to listen to his words about her about me about anything. I'd stop making excuses for him and I'd see a lawyer. I'd tell myself I am a strong confident woman and my self worth is not wrapped up in a man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 BS here...The signs that were there, I look back now and can admit I was purposely ignoring them. I never should've tried to R. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 but what would you do? I'm hearing that I should be the one filing...not to let him file....yes the financing help and allowing him to stay in the home is probably stupid but I am a woman of my word and I won't go back on what I said I'd do. What would you do in my situation knowing that I won't kick him out until 8/1...what would you do starting today? Pardon my French, but 'F your word!". The only thing keeping to your word will do for you right now is get you walked all over and taken advantage of. What would I do? Give him until end of day, 4/28, to get the F out! That's what I'd do. Then I'd file on Monday. He needs to get shocked back into reality. Firm, forceful decisions is the only thing waywards will respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Cut her some slack folks, speaking from experience, when you first find out all you can think of is how to save your marriage. And that was me. Except not a her. All I could think was what did I screw up, how can I fix it and save the marriage. For a couple of months that's how I lived. My WW met her OMs through an online video game. After d-days she still insisted that she had to play and that she needed the other people she had met (not just the OMs and I had no clue about NC). The first sign that there was a real chance at R was when I came home one day to find her showing me she had deleted the game and associated contacts. She was finally coming out of her fog and could no longer stand to see the pain she was causing me every time she logged on to play. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Well I did it .. told him I didn't sign up for a friendship. I signed up for a husband.. I was all in and hard. Raised his kid for 8 years. There will be no talking when she's unavailable, lunches, dinners, family time, hand holding, sleeping in bed, kissing, sex, etc. I'll see our child two week nights a week and outside of that we'll only communicate about our son. All he really said was that he loved me, wanted to be friends and thought we could be friends. I told him that 100% was not going to happen. He said "well I guess we'll have to find a lot of things to talk about (our son's name)". He's not taking it seriously.. so I have to stay strong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Well I did it .. told him I didn't sign up for a friendship. I signed up for a husband.. I was all in and hard. Raised his kid for 8 years. There will be no talking when she's unavailable, lunches, dinners, family time, hand holding, sleeping in bed, kissing, sex, etc. I'll see our child two week nights a week and outside of that we'll only communicate about our son. All he really said was that he loved me, wanted to be friends and thought we could be friends. I told him that 100% was not going to happen. He said "well I guess we'll have to find a lot of things to talk about (our son's name)". He's not taking it seriously.. so I have to stay strong. Stay strong. What you are doing isn't easy. I can look back in my journal and see notations where I resisted the urge to text him. Be ready for him to test your resolve. And get tested for STD's if you haven't already. Make him feel the loss of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Stay strong. What you are doing isn't easy. I can look back in my journal and see notations where I resisted the urge to text him. Be ready for him to test your resolve. And get tested for STD's if you haven't already. Make him feel the loss of you. He already is.. tried holding my hand several times, calling me babe.. he works doubles and won't be home until Sunday morning, so I know he'll try texting and calling during that time. How do I handle that? I don't want to be rude or cold (the 180 says to be pleasant to be around) but I need to stay strong in not being friends. So just say "I love you. This isn't that I don't love you. I want a marriage, not a friendship. I know it's hard, it is for me too. I have to pull away because I need to move on with my life. This isn't heathy for me. Of one day you wake up and want to work on our marriage, we can talk about it but a friendship doesn't work for me." Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 He already is.. tried holding my hand several times, calling me babe.. he works doubles and won't be home until Sunday morning, so I know he'll try texting and calling during that time. How do I handle that? I don't want to be rude or cold (the 180 says to be pleasant to be around) but I need to stay strong in not being friends. So just say "I love you. This isn't that I don't love you. I want a marriage, not a friendship. I know it's hard, it is for me too. I have to pull away because I need to move on with my life. This isn't heathy for me. Of one day you wake up and want to work on our marriage, we can talk about it but a friendship doesn't work for me." If he texts, you say nothing, unless he asks a question about your son or household matters that requires a response. If he calls, let it go to voicemail. you can listen to the message and respond to necessary questions. You've been explaining yourself for months, and it hasn't meant a damn bit of difference to him. This is for you, not him. If you must respond, say this, "We have nothing to discuss as long as you still have a relationship of any kind with AP." I know how hard this. As you distance yourself, your strength will increase. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 look up the 180 andfollow it to the letter...do not deviate. you might be surprised if all of his plans change and he has a whole new respect for HIS WIFE. You do not take second fiddle...you are either first or he is out. He should be on his knees thanking you for loving him the way you do and putting up with his crap. I am proud of you...you took the first step back into self respect. Go get him babygirl! You call the shots here...he took away your voice by cheating without asking you what you wanted....now you take back your power and show him you are worth fighting for...and he will if he truly loves you. We are here to support you.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 If he texts, you say nothing, unless he asks a question about your son or household matters that requires a response. If he calls, let it go to voicemail. you can listen to the message and respond to necessary questions. You've been explaining yourself for months, and it hasn't meant a damn bit of difference to him. This is for you, not him. If you must respond, say this, "We have nothing to discuss as long as you still have a relationship of any kind with AP." I know how hard this. As you distance yourself, your strength will increase. Thank you for your help... it's really hard but I know it's my only Option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 look up the 180 andfollow it to the letter...do not deviate. you might be surprised if all of his plans change and he has a whole new respect for HIS WIFE. You do not take second fiddle...you are either first or he is out. He should be on his knees thanking you for loving him the way you do and putting up with his crap. I am proud of you...you took the first step back into self respect. Go get him babygirl! You call the shots here...he took away your voice by cheating without asking you what you wanted....now you take back your power and show him you are worth fighting for...and he will if he truly loves you. We are here to support you.... Thank you so much!! Just feels like I'm pushing him more away more into her arms... why would he want to be with me when I'm being cold.. you know? I know you're right.. why would he stay when he can eat cake if he leaves... it's just difficult Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Thank you so much!! Just feels like I'm pushing him more away more into her arms... why would he want to be with me when I'm being cold.. you know? I know you're right.. why would he stay when he can eat cake if he leaves... it's just difficult ok lets talk about this If he runs to her....what have you lost? You cannot make him stay...you cannot make him love you...you cannot make him leave her alone. So at the end of the day...you have to live with yourself. He eithers loves you for who you are....or he takes a hike. You dont need to change for him...you dont need to beg him....you are who you are and you deserve to be loved for who you are. I bet you this....it will not take him long to figure out he had his dream woman...and he let her go. and you know what...in the end...you might just walk away with your self respect AND your husband. But you have to let him know that you are worth fighting for...and you cannot just rollover and play dead. I praise God every day for my husband....he is truly a gift that i will never ever take for granted again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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