Author somuchfortheone Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 Has he paid for half of all expenses throughout your marriage? Yes - all of our money has been combined since day 1. Do you have the cash to buy him out? And he could very well insist on the house being sold, rather than allow you to keep it. I will say once again, talk to any attorney and follow his/her advice. No - I don't have enough cash to buy him out - I have to take out a home equity loan. He won't force me to sell...I don't see that happening...I hope not, we would have to do a lot of work to the home...it would be way more of a headache than the home equity line. If he was a decent man, he would walk away with his personal belongings and leave you in peace. - I agree but he's selfish. I would have never asked for anything if I did what he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 So, I am not a realtor or banker, but I think you will have to refinance the house in your own name before you can get an equity loan in your own name. Or something.....he isn't on the loan, but is on the title of the house, right? They might be able to sell their rights to the house to you, but you are trying to get a equity loan on a house he legally has a right to. Maybe you could refinance and get enough money to pay him off, while getting him off the title at the same time. If you leave him on it, he could come back at any time to claim his part. You don't know what the OW will want him to do. She sounds desperate for money. Anyway, it is clearly up to you to make your path and you have made the decision to let him stay and pad his money to make his way to his cozy love shack. I would imagine that by August, this will be wearing on you, but who knows? I know that I sure wouldn't be trying to help him get ready for his exit. He won't leave until he is ready and you have made it pretty easy for him to stay with her. He has his friend, even though you are not happy with him and he has her to plan his new love nest with. However, you feel this is best, but for the life of me, I don't see it helping you one tiny, little bit. This is about you, but I have to admit that it is so frustrating to see you try to be so honorable and it is just helping him plan for his new life. I feel so bad for his son, I just can't tell you how much. Awful. Well, you will continue to do what you think you must. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 No - I don't have enough cash to buy him out - I have to take out a home equity loan. He won't force me to sell...I don't see that happening...I hope not, we would have to do a lot of work to the home...it would be way more of a headache than the home equity line. I know quite a bit about real estate and financing. The bank is going to require all owners of the property to sign off on the home equity loan. If his credit rating is bad enough that you acquired the property in your name only, it is very likely that it will also cause you to have a higher interest rate on the loan. If he is as selfish as you say, the likelihood that he would be willing to encumber himself with a loan is somewhere between slim and none. He is already co-owner on a property for which he has no legal requirement to pay anything. This is precisely why you need to speak with an attorney. Your settlement agreement can specify that you pay his his equity at some point in time after he quitclaims his rights to the property. Why should you incur unnecessary debt to accommodate his new life? As far as when you see your son, that is a non-issue. Legally, you don't have any rights as a step-parent. I know you love him, but you have no obligation to give your WH any expectation that you are going to make things easier for him by committing to any particular timeframe. I feel so badly for your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 So, I am not a realtor or banker, but I think you will have to refinance the house in your own name before you can get an equity loan in your own name. Or something.....he isn't on the loan, but is on the title of the house, right? They might be able to sell their rights to the house to you, but you are trying to get a equity loan on a house he legally has a right to. Maybe you could refinance and get enough money to pay him off, while getting him off the title at the same time. If you leave him on it, he could come back at any time to claim his part. You don't know what the OW will want him to do. She sounds desperate for money. Anyway, it is clearly up to you to make your path and you have made the decision to let him stay and pad his money to make his way to his cozy love shack. I would imagine that by August, this will be wearing on you, but who knows? I know that I sure wouldn't be trying to help him get ready for his exit. He won't leave until he is ready and you have made it pretty easy for him to stay with her. He has his friend, even though you are not happy with him and he has her to plan his new love nest with. However, you feel this is best, but for the life of me, I don't see it helping you one tiny, little bit. This is about you, but I have to admit that it is so frustrating to see you try to be so honorable and it is just helping him plan for his new life. I feel so bad for his son, I just can't tell you how much. Awful. Well, you will continue to do what you think you must. I agree - I've really struggled making my decision on what to do. He will certainly hurt the most in this situation. But, I think that's part of what got me in this co-dependent dynamic...I kept filling in for his father's short comings. I have to do what's right but also take care of myself. I can't worry anymore about what his dad isn't doing right. I can't fill those gaps anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I know quite a bit about real estate and financing. The bank is going to require all owners of the property to sign off on the home equity loan. If his credit rating is bad enough that you acquired the property in your name only, it is very likely that it will also cause you to have a higher interest rate on the loan. If he is as selfish as you say, the likelihood that he would be willing to encumber himself with a loan is somewhere between slim and none. Even of he isn't selfish how many soon to be divorced men would want to get into a loan agreement with the ex wife so that SHE can stay in the house when he has no biological children with her? Link to post Share on other sites
KatieLaw Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 I don't know if you're still reading, but I feel an urgent need to point out that he may be paying for these expensive weekends and dates using credit cards. You are responsible for payment until you file, at least where I live. IOW, you seem to be willing to provide care for his son so he can be free to wine and dine his g f, but you may be financing these romantic moments. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 OP, how are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 I don't know if you're still reading, but I feel an urgent need to point out that he may be paying for these expensive weekends and dates using credit cards. You are responsible for payment until you file, at least where I live. IOW, you seem to be willing to provide care for his son so he can be free to wine and dine his g f, but you may be financing these romantic moments. I have access to all of the credit cards and he's been better about telling me about charging anything before he does. She has her own place now, so the hotel stays have stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 Well...the no contact crashed and burned. I just couldn't do it. I felt like it was doing more harm than good. He isn't going to change his mind. I don't want to not be friends...and that was really all that no contact was going to accomplish. We have to live together for another three months. The roller coaster ride is smoothing out...I still have some hard days...but no major break downs. He's staying at her place a couple of nights a week. We're getting along well because I have emotionally leveled off. Fighting, nagging, questioning...all of that stuff is just pushing him away more. I've just stopped all of it for the most part. If he wants to be with her, he'll be with her. I can't make him want to work on our marriage. Their relationship definitely isn't all roses. They do this tit for tat thing. She ignores him for an hour, he gets paranoid, ignores her the rest of the day (in line with limerence punishment/reward program). I see signs that it won't work. I'm still hoping for a reconciliation down the road. Unfortunately, I don't see one until after we're divorced. He tells me he sees it too. I'm not waiting for him...it just sucks because I read these stories where the spouses "woke up" before getting divorced...I wished that would happen but I don't see it. I should be filing for divorce in the next week or two just have to get the equity thing figured out. thanks for checking in! Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 I don't want to not be friends...and that was really all that no contact was going to accomplish. We have to live together for another three months. That's a big difference between you and me. I told my WH staight up that I wasn't remotely interested in being his friend unless we were married. Why do you have to live together for another 3 months if his paramour now has her own place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 This for wayward spouses and betrayed spouses...were there any signs that you would go back to your spouse, if you were the one in an affair or did it take completely coming out of the fog to wake up...and betrayed spouses...were there any signs that your spouse would wake up and want to work on the marriage again during the process...or not until they completely woke up? Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 He began to wake-up when he realized I was done fighting for the marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 My situation may have been a little different because when I had my A, my H and I were living in separate places due to work/school. My H moved back in with me around when my A ended, and being around my H daily again made me realize how much I wanted to be with him. So when d-day happened, I already knew I wanted to stay together. By d-day I was well clear of the fog, but not of the addiction aspect...that took longer for me to see and address. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 He began to wake-up when he realized I was done fighting for the marriage. This and also signs: He always refused to give me his house key He didn't tell anyone in family he was out of house and living with mistress He still wouldn't go in public with mistress Every time I asked him to talk to his boss (lawyer) about papers, he refused He still showed up for family events and holidays with our families He kept telling me "just give me time" He kept saying he wasn't sure of his decision and was trying to figure it all out even though he was living with mistress at times He went apartment hunting with mistress but always bailed on ever putting any money down or signing anything He continued to go to MC with me every week even when he lived w/mistress He read all the articles and videos I sent him on marriage, affairs, kids, divorce, reconciliation etc and discussed them with me or sent me nice emails back Yeah he was totally a cake and eat it too guy. Lots of things said to keep me in wings, and lots of places I didn't put my foot down and should have. But almost always clear he'd stay. Which should be a warning to OW's. Actions actions actions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 This and also signs: He always refused to give me his house key He didn't tell anyone in family he was out of house and living with mistress He still wouldn't go in public with mistress Every time I asked him to talk to his boss (lawyer) about papers, he refused He still showed up for family events and holidays with our families He kept telling me "just give me time" He kept saying he wasn't sure of his decision and was trying to figure it all out even though he was living with mistress at times He went apartment hunting with mistress but always bailed on ever putting any money down or signing anything He continued to go to MC with me every week even when he lived w/mistress He read all the articles and videos I sent him on marriage, affairs, kids, divorce, reconciliation etc and discussed them with me or sent me nice emails back Yeah he was totally a cake and eat it too guy. Lots of things said to keep me in wings, and lots of places I didn't put my foot down and should have. But almost always clear he'd stay. Which should be a warning to OW's. Actions actions actions There are some similarities in our stories. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Why can't he go live with her then? If he's there anyways a few times a week? It's not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Also things he told me about the OW.....he'd say things like -"I know she'd cheat on me, when she wants something she goes for it" -"She's the type of person who went after someone who was married and didn't care". While saying "I know I had an affair but I could never take someone else's wife away from her husband and kids" -"she told me she wished her mom just divorced her dad after his affair. And it made me think, if I screw up is she just going to leave? Why Wouldn't she try to work it out first especially if we had kids.....like you are doing ?" And other doubts he had about some other MM she was seeing before him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 My husband is ending our marriage to start a relationship with her. She's leaving her marriage to start one with him. He says things like I'm the one. He sees a future with me. He feels like this will somehow bring us back together. There are things that we planned that he still feels like we'll accomplish when we get back together (like businesses etc)...he says he could see it in a couple of years...my name is "woman of my dreams" in his phone and he said he won't change it. He wants to buy a house in my neighborhood...you could literally throw a tennis ball at it and she and her kids are a good hour away...and it's two bedrooms...she's got two boys and he has one...so it's like he's not even considering her in that They already have trust issues...him more so with her. They haven't even lived together...met each other's kids...etc. For the first year and a half 99% of their relationship was emails and texts...phone calls at work...they really never saw each other...in November they decided to do this for real...so this hasn't really been "real" for 6 months...he's still living at home...she just moved out this month....I see signs that it won't work.... I don't know...I believe the things he says...he clearly isn't really thinking about the future...does he really see a future with me? Is this just fun for them? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 My husband is ending our marriage to start a relationship with her. She's leaving her marriage to start one with him. He says things like I'm the one. He sees a future with me. He feels like this will somehow bring us back together. There are things that we planned that he still feels like we'll accomplish when we get back together (like businesses etc)...he says he could see it in a couple of years...my name is "woman of my dreams" in his phone and he said he won't change it. He wants to buy a house in my neighborhood...you could literally throw a tennis ball at it and she and her kids are a good hour away...and it's two bedrooms...she's got two boys and he has one...so it's like he's not even considering her in that They already have trust issues...him more so with her. They haven't even lived together...met each other's kids...etc. For the first year and a half 99% of their relationship was emails and texts...phone calls at work...they really never saw each other...in November they decided to do this for real...so this hasn't really been "real" for 6 months...he's still living at home...she just moved out this month....I see signs that it won't work.... I don't know...I believe the things he says...he clearly isn't really thinking about the future...does he really see a future with me? Is this just fun for them? Wait.. your husband is divorcing you to marry her but he knows you are the woman of his dreams and he is coming back to you in the future? And you buy this crap? Shut that door behind him and change the lock ...and tell him you changed your name to smart girl! He already has you... if he wants to come back to you in the future.. then he has to stay now! This is a new one for me... wow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Wait.. your husband is divorcing you to marry her but he knows you are the woman of his dreams and he is coming back to you in the future? And you buy this crap? Shut that door behind him and change the lock ...and tell him you changed your name to smart girl! He already has you... if he wants to come back to you in the future.. then he has to stay now! This is a new one for me... wow No..he isn't marrying her. They are going to date though.. I know it sounds insane...that's why I'm asking is this a midlife crisis...limerence...has anyone experienced this? He was a great husband until this situation...a really good guy... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 "Don't go anywhere just in case this doesn't work out for me" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 I agree... but if he was really set on this girl...wouldn't he move near her...and truly move on? It's like he's still got one foot in Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 My husband is ending our marriage to start a relationship with her. She's leaving her marriage to start one with him. He says things like I'm the one. He sees a future with me. He feels like this will somehow bring us back together. There are things that we planned that he still feels like we'll accomplish when we get back together (like businesses etc)...he says he could see it in a couple of years...my name is "woman of my dreams" in his phone and he said he won't change it. He wants to buy a house in my neighborhood...you could literally throw a tennis ball at it and she and her kids are a good hour away...and it's two bedrooms...she's got two boys and he has one...so it's like he's not even considering her in that They already have trust issues...him more so with her. They haven't even lived together...met each other's kids...etc. For the first year and a half 99% of their relationship was emails and texts...phone calls at work...they really never saw each other...in November they decided to do this for real...so this hasn't really been "real" for 6 months...he's still living at home...she just moved out this month....I see signs that it won't work.... I don't know...I believe the things he says...he clearly isn't really thinking about the future...does he really see a future with me? Is this just fun for them? Stop looking for reasons to listen to his words while discounting his actions. He is a cake-eater and you are allowing it. He has no problem with disrespecting you right in your face. I wish I could hug you, you are worth so much more than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Ever heard the term "cake eater"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 so you think it's all a lie...he really wants to spend forever with her...and he's just keeping me on the back burner incase it falls apart? But wouldn't he go all in to give it the best chance of success? what girl would want to live in a house two doors down from the ex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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