Thoughts on confronting a ghoster

[Redhead14]

Where did you see that this was one date? It was 6 dates! Trust me, I do not give a **** after just one date. And he did his share of initiating all the dates until the last several weeks where I was initiating more (though he still did a few times). Why am I hanging on? Because it's weird to me to end it like that, on a good note? That has never happened to me before.

 

A man who ghosts after six dates isn't worth all this either, that's for darn sure. You are in the same boat, as far as I am concerned. He doesn't care about you. He's done seeing you. Don't accept this behavior and don't show him you're still interested. All you'll be doing is showing him you tolerate poor treatment from a man because you're "still interested".

[kendahke]

Where did you see that this was one date? It was 6 dates! Trust me, I do not give a **** after just one date. And he did his share of initiating all the dates until the last several weeks where I was initiating more (though he still did a few times). Why am I hanging on? Because it's weird to me to end it like that, on a good note? That has never happened to me before.

 

It's also weird trying to convince someone you're "nice" when they're demonstrating that a) they aren't and b) they don't care by virtue of how they have been behaving.

 

If he can't see by 6 dates that chucking you into the bin is the worst thing he could do, then he's not worth hanging onto for any reason. Dude needs to be acting like you being in his life is far preferable to you not being in his life.

 

Telling him off for doing this will only serve to show him that he was right to put distance between himself and that level of drama. If he cared, it would be as plain as the nose on your face.

 

Have a better consideration for your own esteem. You deserve better treatment than this, from him AND you. Trying to figure out how to drop hints to him to stick around when he's showing you he's not interested only serves to undermine your worth.

[winny]

This is the kind of scenario that sets a woman up for stringing herself along. She chases after a guy who doesn't demonstrate sincere interest. Sure, he may see her again because she reached out but he knows she doesn't command/demand very much for herself -- all a guy needs to do is show her the tiniest bit of interest and she's all in. So, why not see her, get sex when it's convenient for him, give her a text here and there to keep her thinking it's going "her" way. A guy will sometimes let a woman string herself along at least until he finds one he's really interested in.

 

It's a matter of dignity and poise and boundaries and not accepting less than you deserve.

 

Wise words and hitting home with me as well.

Thank you!

[winny]

It's also weird trying to convince someone you're "nice" when they're demonstrating that a) they aren't and b) they don't care by virtue of how they have been behaving.

 

Again very true.

[winny]

OP - Your need for closure is valid but like the posters said above, you will be putting yourself up for more bad treatment.

If he cared even a bit he would have at least dropped one text to you all this while....

In case you still decide to text him and I dont know what kind of text you are planning to send - confronting him for his bad behavior or checking on him to see if he is okay. If its the first one then send him the text and block him. If its the second one and he wants to meet you again then as soon as you see him the first thing you talk about is where you want this thing between the 2 of you to go. Make it clear to him what is it that you are looking for. Don't keep place for anything vague.

[CaliforniaGirl]

OP - Your need for closure is valid but like the posters said above, you will be putting yourself up for more bad treatment.

If he cared even a bit he would have at least dropped one text to you all this while....

In case you still decide to text him and I dont know what kind of text you are planning to send - confronting him for his bad behavior or checking on him to see if he is okay. If its the first one then send him the text and block him. If its the second one and he wants to meet you again then as soon as you see him the first thing you talk about is where you want this thing between the 2 of you to go. Make it clear to him what is it that you are looking for. Don't keep place for anything vague.

 

I agree except that I don't believe there really is any such thing as closure. For someone who's really hooked, it's particularly true that no satisfaction will be achieved even "with closure," and the "closure" will only bring more questions.

 

1. If he is truly avoidant, and/or if he's nervous that the OP might fly off the handle, he won't tell her the truth anyway- for example, that there's someone he likes more than he likes her, or that he's not attracted enough to her...or whatever. Instead he'll give some standard "it's not you, it's me," "I'm in a weird place right now," or whatever excuse and that's not closure, and the OP will only be more frustrated than before.

 

2. If he does give an actual, harsh reason, the OP will still be able to fight with her own head about it. For example, if he coldly states she's just not very attractive, she'll engage in mental gymnastics about how he WAS attracted initially so perhaps he's just scared because he's been hurt before, etc. There just won't be any satisfactory answer.

 

I don't believe in "closure" in this way. I just don't think it generally happens UNLESS the person was already distanced/logical/unemotional enough to distance herself anyway. It doesn't feel as if the OP is there. If she's freaked out enough to start a long thread about it then she's not distanced or logical (probably). "Closure" won't do a thing.

 

I also agree with Winny when she says he will just see her demand/confrontation as confirmation that she's a little overemotional/wasn't gong to take it well/was going to overreact (my words, not Winny's) and that he was right to try to simply avoid.

 

And let's be realistic. Even though it's no fun to be ignored, there ARE scary people and scary reactions out there in the dating world. People like to say that it's reprehensible to just not call back/text, that this makes the person a total monster, immature, vile and all sorts of awful things. Really? There ARE people out there who will make it not just uncomfortable but in some cases, scary for a person to put his/her foot down directly to the person in question IF the "rejecter" has had bad experiences in the past, and IF the about-to-be-rejected is making the rejecter feel frightened of a very bad reaction. I'm not saying the OP has been acting out of line but this guy COULD have gotten a bad feeling...you never know. I am NOT trying to blame the OP, just saying this could be *how the guy feels* and let's face facts, he DOESN'T know her all that well (just as she doesn't know him all that well).

 

I have literally been screamed at, in a semi-public setting (my place of work, for goodness' sake!!! Where one does NOT want to make waves or start controversy) in a humiliating way for rejecting. By someone a foot taller than me, and easily 70 pounds heavier. I don't care, that IS scary. From the guy's POV, everybody has heard stalking stories...some of us HAVE been stalked...it CAN be scary out there. These are extremes but I'm sorry. Although as an adult I don't feel I would, today, just disappear without at least "I don't think this is working out," I can see where someone might just avoid, WITHOUT being a total reprehensible, monster loser.

 

I am not trying to "defend" ghosting or say it's something great...BUT I sometimes get the feeling people shout about it and rage against it simply because they are so angry/miserable that they were rejected. Rejection DOES feel bad...it feels awful. But it ISN'T necessarily our "right" to dictate how the other person does it (I'm not the Queen and neither are you, you know?), and in addition, be realistic...it wouldn't feel any better to be told directly...because rejection is rejection. Being told directly takes "how dare he just IGNORE me?" out of the equation but the rejection is still there. JMO.

Edited January 16, 2017 by CaliforniaGirl

[winny]

I agree except that I don't believe there really is any such thing as closure. For someone who's really hooked, it's particularly true that no satisfaction will be achieved even "with closure," and the "closure" will only bring more questions.

 

1. If he is truly avoidant, and/or if he's nervous that the OP might fly off the handle, he won't tell her the truth anyway- for example, that there's someone he likes more than he likes her, or that he's not attracted enough to her...or whatever. Instead he'll give some standard "it's not you, it's me," "I'm in a weird place right now," or whatever excuse and that's not closure, and the OP will only be more frustrated than before.

 

2. If he does give an actual, harsh reason, the OP will still be able to fight with her own head about it. For example, if he coldly states she's just not very attractive, she'll engage in mental gymnastics about how he WAS attracted initially so perhaps he's just scared because he's been hurt before, etc. There just won't be any satisfactory answer.

 

You do have a point but let's give some credit to the OP for being patient for 2 weeks!!! It takes a lot of emotional stability to keep your cool for 2 weeks and wait for a guy to make a move, after you have gotten physically intimate with him.

I don't think we can exactly predict how she would react. Maybe that vague and or harsh answer will help her to move on..!

 

I don't believe in "closure" in this way. I just don't think it generally happens UNLESS the person was already distanced/logical/unemotional enough to distance herself anyway. It doesn't feel as if the OP is there. If she's freaked out enough to start a long thread about it then she's not distanced or logical (probably). "Closure" won't do a thing.

 

I also agree with Winny when she says he will just see her demand/confrontation as confirmation that she's a little overemotional/wasn't gong to take it well/was going to overreact (my words, not Winny's) and that he was right to try to simply avoid.

 

And let's be realistic. Even though it's no fun to be ignored, there ARE scary people and scary reactions out there in the dating world. People like to say that it's reprehensible to just not call back/text, that this makes the person a total monster, immature, vile and all sorts of awful things. Really? There ARE people out there who will make it not just uncomfortable but in some cases, scary for a person to put his/her foot down directly to the person in question IF the "rejecter" has had bad experiences in the past, and IF the about-to-be-rejected is making the rejecter feel frightened of a very bad reaction. I'm not saying the OP has been acting out of line but this guy COULD have gotten a bad feeling...you never know. I am NOT trying to blame the OP, just saying this could be *how the guy feels* and let's face facts, he DOESN'T know her all that well (just as she doesn't know him all that well).

 

There is another point we are forgetting and which I think is the most valid reason these days to ghost someone and the reason is - NO REASON.

There is absolutely no reason why he didn't get back or didn't text. That is why he has nothing to say. He was just enjoying going out with a girl and that's about it. If he gets a chance to go again he would... else he wouldn't. He doesn't hate her or like her... I know this feeling cause I have had this feeling. He isn't even thinking about her. If he gets a text, he might be happy to hear from her and talk to her like nothing happened and if he doesn't that's fine too. He isn't a bad person, he is just a guy of our generation who lives a superxsuperxsuper casual life - where anything goes....

I have literally been screamed at, in a semi-public setting (my place of work, for goodness' sake!!! Where one does NOT want to make waves or start controversy) in a humiliating way for rejecting. By someone a foot taller than me, and easily 70 pounds heavier. I don't care, that IS scary. From the guy's POV, everybody has heard stalking stories...some of us HAVE been stalked...it CAN be scary out there. These are extremes but I'm sorry. Although as an adult I don't feel I would, today, just disappear without at least "I don't think this is working out," I can see where someone might just avoid, WITHOUT being a total reprehensible, monster loser.

 

I am not trying to "defend" ghosting or say it's something great...BUT I sometimes get the feeling people shout about it and rage against it simply because they are so angry/miserable that they were rejected. Rejection DOES feel bad...it feels awful. But it ISN'T necessarily our "right" to dictate how the other person does it (I'm not the Queen and neither are you, you know?), and in addition, be realistic...it wouldn't feel any better to be told directly...because rejection is rejection. Being told directly takes "how dare he just IGNORE me?" out of the equation but the rejection is still there. JMO.

 

 

If you reject someone and that person reacts violently, then that person doesn't need an outright upfront rejection to do that. Your silence is enough to get such a person going.

 

People who say they ghosted because they were scared of how the other person would react are kind of laughable to me because if you give a bad news people will react - that is normal! What is not normal is when you are dumping someone you are still more concerned about yourself than being kind towards the person getting dumped and letting the person blow some steam if that makes them feel better and get a closure.

About stalkers - I have got stalkers without doing anything so people who are scared that a person they dump will stalk them is again not a reason.

[Cookiesandough]

Wouldn't. I have brothers..dad who was a womanizer before he met my mom..go to a lot of male oriented forums..So ive seen some sh** lol. Men who play women or lose interest and stop talking either feel bad about it and hide or they take satisfaction in it. So sending them a message is the equivalent of when a guy sends a woman on a dating app a chastising message about how she didn't respond. It's usually makes her roll her eyes or laugh. They don't care one bit. IF they did, they wouldn't pull that. You aren't teaching them anything when you tell them off, just giving them a reason to write you off as an emotional psycho bullet dodged. It's awful, but people who ghost well into dating are awful:) I wouldn't confront a ghoster solely because I wouldn't want to give anyone that cruel the satisfaction of knowing they got to me. They'll get theirs because life has a way of handing emotionally immature *******s theirs. They're gone and not on my brain. "Bye, Felicia!"

[phineas]

To get closure and move on? Especially if your last interaction with them was pleasant/normal.

 

seeking closure = ending up looking like a nut-job 90% of the time.

especially when you weren't even in a relationship and the person you confront will say anything to make you go away.

 

Just move on and find someone new.

[Cookiesandough]

Oh and I want to add I "ghost back" too...If a guy pulls this even after a few days couple days I just block and delete his number. No need to worry about this phantom coming back to life and popping back into my life during his dry spells. The block button gives me closure.

[Saracena]

!

Wouldn't. I wouldn't confront a ghoster solely because I wouldn't want to give anyone that cruel the satisfaction of knowing they got to me.!"

 

Completely agree. In fact, indifference (feigned or otherwise) is by far the best approach to take, as in you've barely noticed their absence!

 

While at uni, I dated an older guy when at home for Christmas holidays. Although brief, we saw a lot of each other and when I went back, he continued to call and text me for a few months, but grad faded out! At that point, although I did wonder, I wasn't that bothered since I now interested in someone else I later began dating.

 

A month or so later at home, I ran into him again on a night out. At a later point, he approached me, announcing I was supposed to call him! Eh? Eh? I just looked at him quizzically 'Was I?' His face fell and it was obvious he'd been expecting some kind of reaction from me and was clearly put out by the fact I appeared so unfazed by it all. Oddly enough, he kept looking over at our group for the remainder of the evening. Six months later, the guy had the nerve to ask me out again, when I informed him I was seeing someone else!

[vampirebrat]

Completely agree. In fact, indifference (feigned or otherwise) is by far the best approach to take, as in you've barely noticed their absence!

 

Totally agree! Shows you're in control of yourself and your emotions. Sounding off to him gives him all the power. Don't give him that satisfaction.

 

Six months later, the guy had the nerve to ask me out again, when I informed him I was seeing someone else!

 

What an arsehat. You dodged a bullet there!

[Redhead14]

Ghosts are invisible . . . treat them that way. That is how they treated you.

[vampirebrat]

As to whether I'd personally confront a ghoster? No. If someone disappeared randomly, unless it's for a damn good reason, they're pretty much dead to me. I wouldn't even piss on them if they were on fire.

[Saracena]

Wouldn't. I have brothers..dad who was a womanizer before he met my mom..go to a lot of male oriented forums..So ive seen some sh** lol. Men who play women or lose interest and stop talking either feel bad about it and hide or they take satisfaction in it. !"

 

Interesting. In what circumstances?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Interesting. In what circumstances?

 

I've actually seen what Cookiesanddough was describing...not often, but there are indeed men who "like" to disappoint women and make the woman feel hurt.

 

There can be a few reasons, but mostly from what I've seen, it's either a guy with a huge chip on his shoulder who has been (in a real or imagined way) hurt/disrespected/blown off by women at some earlier part in his life and now he's going to be the one "with the upper hand," or the guy might like that the girl turns around and starts chasing him out of panic, calls him, "shows" she wants him and so on.

 

It's generally down to either SERIOUS insecurity or a sort of horrific misogyny (this is what women "deserve," etc.).

 

Again...it's been rare but yeah...I have sure as shoot seen this MO in action. You'll see this on forums too...it's often regarding "older" women...a certain faction will bray nastily about how "old" women are "past their time stamp" and HA HA, don't those OLD women (like 40-ish? LOL, sigh) deserve it for having "blown off" all the "good guys!!!!!!!!!!!!" when the women awere "young and hot" and now they see how it feels to be rejected and...blah blah.