Thoughts on confronting a ghoster

[winny]

In this case, for OP, the earlier you break your bonds with this person the better. I myself wrote and deleted emails at least 5 times when I was semi-ghosted by a guy after he had sex with me. Every time I wanted to send it, I used to feel that this person doesn't care for me, why am I writing an email to a person who doesn't care about me describing how hard I am taking it all. Why do I need his explanation or sympathy to feel better. And I never sent any of those emails. Now I feel good about it. Because even in my worst situation I kept my dignity and power with me. I may share my happiness with a lot of people but my pain is only for those who have earned a right to it....

[Popsicle]

In this case, for OP, the earlier you break your bonds with this person the better. I myself wrote and deleted emails at least 5 times when I was semi-ghosted by a guy after he had sex with me. Every time I wanted to send it, I used to feel that this person doesn't care for me, why am I writing an email to a person who doesn't care about me describing how hard I am taking it all. Why do I need his explanation or sympathy to feel better. And I never sent any of those emails. Now I feel good about it. Because even in my worst situation I kept my dignity and power with me. I may share my happiness with a lot of people but my pain is only for those who have earned a right to it....

 

I wouldn't do it for an explanation. I already know the explanation-they're not interested. And sympathy? Well, that's patronizing. I wouldn't want that either. What I'm looking for here is for them to feel guilt for disappearing without decency.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If he has ghosted any attempt to contact him is unlikely to be responded to, and even if he does explain he probably will say something generic like it's not you it's me... You can get closure from the fact that he doesn't want to see you again and doesn't have the ability or desire to communicate this with you in another way.

 

Just because you want an explanation doesn't mean you will get one. Just move on, forget about him, don't waste your time messaging him and then waiting for him to reply. Which he most likely won't do

 

Some people are divided on this.

 

Some are "Don't waste your time" while others would, just to get closure.

 

But yes, you can probably expect a generic "It's not you it's me" response or some lame response that doesn't really get down to what their TRUE reason is.

 

I recall a woman I was pretty hot and heavy with, butterflies and all for a couple of months. Though it may not seem long, it felt long as we spent probably 2 to 3 times a week together.

 

I think in my case, she had the Holiday blues (had a death in her family a year ago), felt lonely, and wanted my company, and no joke, about a couple days after New Years, she ghosted.

 

She even isn't even active on social media anymore, so I can't get any clues there either.

 

Then she said, "I need a break" "or "Need my space" and never heard from her since.

 

It's rather cowardly that they won't have a true sit down with you for a while about what really the problem is.

Edited January 16, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst

[CaliforniaGirl]

No. Not unless we had been in an actual, real relationship and established something together, and I don't mean "A real connection!!! We had texted sooo many times and had met once for coffee."

 

I may not like that he disappeared, but let's be honest, if this is just after a date or two with no promises, then my indignation at the actual method is really more just me being angry at having been rejected. And it was his RIGHT not to choose me.

 

Years ago, if I or a friend went on a great date we'd tell one another, "I hope he'll call...I wonder if he'll call..." Notice the IF. It wasn't assumed he would. It was assumed that if he didn't like us he simply wouldn't call. Or if we didn't like him we would have a roommate answer the phone or let the answering machine take the call and we wouldn't call back. Because duh, that WAS our "closure..." "Okay, s/he isn't interested in seeing me again." And we didn't die from that, believe it or not.

 

There could certainly be disappointment but unless we were very, very mentally unhealthy, we didn't go stalking the rejecter to demand reasons, closure or to make him know how much he'd broken us or something nuts like that. No is no and avoidance in this case is a no, and if a person doesn't like us, whether or not we "like" his method of not seeing us again, he has the right not to like us and does not owe us a thing for that.

 

Now standing someone up was different. Letting the person get dressed up, go to the bank during business hours for cash in case the date turned out to he dutch because in those days there were no debit cards or cash machines and only rich kids or "old" grownups had a credit card, finding transportation and standing in zero degrees for two hours in front of a movie theater in humiliation with the person simply never showing up WAS considered reprehensible.

 

But that's not "ghosting". If what we're talking about here is just not ever calling again after a few convos or dates, nah, that wasn't cause for alarm and we didn't sit there like crazies calling the dude up or demanding explanations and blah blah. He wasn't interested, or we weren't...duh, that was what dating was all about: nobody expected to find that perfect match right away. People were allowed to not be interested in talking again if the date didn't deliver what we'd hoped.

[varicose]

Some people are divided on this.

 

Some are "Don't waste your time" while others would, just to get closure.

 

But yes, you can probably expect a generic "It's not you it's me" response or some lame response that doesn't really get down to what their TRUE reason is.

 

I recall a woman I was pretty hot and heavy with, butterflies and all for a couple of months. Though it may not seem long, it felt long as we spent probably 2 to 3 times a week together.

 

I think in my case, she had the Holiday blues (had a death in her family a year ago), felt lonely, and wanted my company, and no joke, about a couple days after New Years, she ghosted.

 

She even isn't even active on social media anymore, so I can't get any clues there either.

 

Then she said, "I need a break" "or "Need my space" and never heard from her since.

 

It's rather cowardly that they won't have a true sit down with you for a while about what really the problem is.

 

Honestly I think it would help to hear "it's not you it's me." Because our last interaction (last time we saw each other) was affectionate and intimate. Then nothing. It's very hard for me to move on from that. Maybe it would be easier to move on from a flat-out rejection, no matter how "fake."

[Jj66]

Barring a commitment nobody "owes" anyone anything. Send the message if it will make YOU feel better and then move on. He has probably blocked you already and won't even receive the message.

[CaliforniaGirl]

OP, was it two months of actual dating? You guys were going out together during that time, had established a history, were making declarations/talking about exclusivity (or at least had established a pattern of meeting regularly), etc.? What was the nature of your relationship?

 

You had known each other for two months, or you actually went on your first date two months ago and were dating ever since?

 

I would worry, if I knew someone WELL for two solid months, and then he literally disappeared. I would want to know if he was alive or dead. I'd be alarmed if a good friend or an actual boyfriend literally disappeared, yes. Not somebody I'd just been texting/talking to online though and maybe only literally seen in person a time or two. Can we have a little background on your story?

[winny]

Barring a commitment nobody "owes" anyone anything.

 

I don't agree with it. That way no one should apologize for running late to a first date? And say hello I am not committed to you, I don't owe you a sorry, now pay for my dinner...

Ghosting is not acceptable in any situation - dating or even professional world or in platonic friendships. It is cruel especially when you have slept with that person.

 

@OP - So its been 2 weeks of zero contact from him?

[varicose]

 

@OP - So its been 2 weeks of zero contact from him?

 

Yes We saw each other on a date and then nothing.

[winny]

Yes We saw each other on a date and then nothing.

 

My heart goes out to you and I totally understand how you must be feeling and this need for closure. I have been in similar situation more or less since a month trying to heal. It is very painful....

 

If it will make you feel better then write to him... but he may respond with silence. And that may make you feel worse.

But whatever you do, if he ever comes back, don't give in. Remember this pain and let it guide you in future.

[ElizabethIII]

To get closure and move on? Especially if your last interaction with them was pleasant/normal.

 

Shows them you care and then you lose.

 

You already dont have them. Why lose your self respect too.

 

Act as if they are so asinine as to be below your level of annoyance.

[Jj66]

I don't agree with it. That way no one should apologize for running late to a first date? And say hello I am not committed to you, I don't owe you a sorry, now pay for my dinner...

Ghosting is not acceptable in any situation - dating or even professional world or in platonic friendships. It is cruel especially when you have slept with that person.

 

Never said it was acceptable but if you go through life thinking you are owed something you will be bitterly disappointed. Not everyone is decent. When you find someone who is, foster that friendship. If someone isn't then run along. Life is better when you surround yourself with decent people.

 

That guy or gal you met on Tinder or wherever isn't decent until proven otherwise. If you expected them to be and they weren't, then that's your mistake.

[winny]

Write something like this

 

Since you decided to run away and hide your face like a coward, you have proven yourself to be someone of low character and value. Whenever in future you get dumped or ghosted like you ghosted me, please do me a favor and DO NOT reach out to me. I wish you nothing... Now that you are gone I am free and totally ready to start my New Year on a happy note. So thank you for that. Good bye.

[winny]

Never said it was acceptable but if you go through life thinking you are owed something you will be bitterly disappointed. Not everyone is decent. When you find someone who is, foster that friendship. If someone isn't then run along. Life is better when you surround yourself with decent people.

 

That guy or gal you met on Tinder or wherever isn't decent until proven otherwise. If you expected them to be and they weren't, then that's your mistake.

 

Yeah yeah yeah... we can talk all these points... but still what he did was WRONG.

He led someone on and then dropped her like a hot potato.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think it does. There are some ghosters who come back weeks, months or years later apologizing for what they did. It proves that they did have some feeling, they were just cowards at the moment. Or as you say don't havethe heart, but maybe later on they realize what they did was horrible and won't do it again. There are plenty of people who like to do cowardly/messed up things and would be perfectly content to think that nobody was harmed by it. They need to know at least.

 

Not IMO. IMO it proves they thought you would fly off the handle or burst into tears even though you two had never actually established anything and yes, they avoided that, then later they were hard up for a date, remembered you and how you were obviously sensitve or perhaps to their minds oversensitive or that you were way more into them than they wete to you so they started out with "I'm sorry" because they knew in your mind they were supposed to do that. It's like a little kid saying he's sorry because he knows that's what the parent wants to hear, otherwise there's going to be trouble.

 

At that point of course you can say no or just not answer, if we're talking just one "you around?" text out of the blue or whatever. It does work both ways; you don't owe the guy explanations either. You just don't want him and there you have it.

[KatZee]

If you're going to confront a ghoster, do it immediately. I called out the last dude who was trying to ghost and gave him a piece of my mind. But if he ghosted, it's been a while, don't bother. It's going to make you look desperate and crazy.

 

Ghosters are people who live in fear, they want to escape, don't want the confrontation, so you're looking for "closure" but I can almost guarantee you won't get a response, so what's even the point?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yeah yeah yeah... we can talk all these points... but still what he did was WRONG.

He led someone on and then dropped her like a hot potato.

 

How do we k ow this?

 

The OP hasn't answered yet on how many times they'd actually met, and so on.

 

How do we know he didn't just realize after being with the OP that he didn't want to move forward? That's not allowed?

 

We need more info before flying off the handle and talking about what an apparent heartless monster loser this dude is. MYbs he is, sure. It deciding that with all but no info is kind of silly and honestly, THIS is why people ghost...because some people handle rejection by literally freaking out and going over the top, and yes, that IS scary.

[varicose]

OP, was it two months of actual dating? You guys were going out together during that time, had established a history, were making declarations/talking about exclusivity (or at least had established a pattern of meeting regularly), etc.? What was the nature of your relationship?

 

You had known each other for two months, or you actually went on your first date two months ago and were dating ever since?

 

I would worry, if I knew someone WELL for two solid months, and then he literally disappeared. I would want to know if he was alive or dead. I'd be alarmed if a good friend or an actual boyfriend literally disappeared, yes. Not somebody I'd just been texting/talking to online though and maybe only literally seen in person a time or two. Can we have a little background on your story?

 

It was never committed or established. It was about 7/8 weeks from our first date to the last. 6 dates. Met on OLD.

 

The thing is, I technically "ghosted" too.. I chose not to do anything and go with the flow. That's why I have like moments of doubt where I think it was something I did or could fix.

[varicose]

Barring a commitment nobody "owes" anyone anything. Send the message if it will make YOU feel better and then move on. He has probably blocked you already and won't even receive the message.

 

Why would he block me? Lol. He did not. I have not been harassing him. In fact I haven't even reached out!

[KatZee]

Why would he block me? Lol. He did not. I have not been harassing him. In fact I haven't even reached out!

 

I wouldn't reach out based on the background alone. 6 dates in 8 weeks? Meh. You could be dealing with someone who was lukewarm about you at best, or a commitment phobe at worst. Neither situation warrants you giving him a piece of your mind. I would move on and let it go.

[Popsicle]

Why would he block me? Lol. He did not. I have not been harassing him. In fact I haven't even reached out!

 

Look you want to, just do it. You'll have your answer then.

[CaliforniaGirl]

It was never committed or established. It was about 7/8 weeks from our first date to the last. 6 dates. Met on OLD.

 

The thing is, I technically "ghosted" too.. I chose not to do anything and go with the flow. That's why I have like moments of doubt where I think it was something I did or could fix.

 

I don't know what this means, that you ghosted too..." Do you suppose he wasn't feeling of from you and was waiting for you to contact him? Did you have another date set up? What happened, exactly?

[winny]

I don't know what this means, that you ghosted too..." Do you suppose he wasn't feeling of from you and was waiting for you to contact him? Did you have another date set up? What happened, exactly?

 

Check her thread about no text on new years.

[winny]

Look you want to, just do it. You'll have your answer then.

 

Yeah.. just do it and get over with it.

[varicose]

The holidays just passed. So it makes that timeframe a little more understandable. Varicose, would you care to explain what you mean by you ghosted first?

 

I wouldn't say I ghosted "first"-- just that I'm ghosting at the same time. After our last date I just didn't reach out (though I wanted to initially, I held off to see what he'd do). So I didn't reach out and he didn't reach out. I'm sure he wouldn't have ignored me if I did reach out.