Thoughts on confronting a ghoster

[varicose]

I don't know what this means, that you ghosted too..." Do you suppose he wasn't feeling of from you and was waiting for you to contact him? Did you have another date set up? What happened, exactly?

 

I don't know... I can certainly send mixed messages but so does he. I was feeling a bit insecure/having doubts about his commitment level so I decided to stop initiating. And now we have 2 weeks no contact. There was no other date set up after that one, but it went well and ended normally.

[winny]

I don't know... I can certainly send mixed messages but so does he. I was feeling a bit insecure/having doubts about his commitment level so I decided to stop initiating. And now we have 2 weeks no contact. There was no other date set up after that one, but it went well and ended normally.

 

Do you think your doubts were not based on anything concrete?

[varicose]

Do you think your doubts were not based on anything concrete?

 

Here's the thing. I was left extremely screwed up from my last breakup and this is the first guy since my ex. So I do have a huge wall up and kind of anticipate failure when dating. I have also been much less proactive in this relationship than in my past ones, because I am so scared of chasing another doomed relationship. BUT, he has been a bit wishy washy as well, especially in the last few weeks. Like taking too long to set up a date, only seeing me once while he had time off work, etc. His contact level has not been frequent enough to suggest that he wants to be serious with me (compared to my past relationships at least).

[CaliforniaGirl]

I wouldn't say I ghosted "first"-- just that I'm ghosting at the same time. After our last date I just didn't reach out (though I wanted to initially, I held off to see what he'd do). So I didn't reach out and he didn't reach out. I'm sure he wouldn't have ignored me if I did reach out.

 

So how do you know he doesn't feel exactly the same way and is doing the same thing you are? Wondering any the hell you never contacted him, and feeling hurt?

 

There are obviously some games going on here, and unspoken, unfair "tests".

 

Yet half the thread is a collective leap on this dude sight unseen, with basically no into what actually may have happened, and the pitchforks are in the air and the torches lighted to condemn this terrible monster.

 

Seriously...the fact that some people freak out like this (and they do) allmost no matter what in the face of even perceived, much less literal rejection IS why people ghost. Because who wants to be on the receiving and of misplaced fury and half-hysteria?

 

OP, you didn't contact him although apparently he was expecting you to (???) (I...think?) and then refused to make the contact due his not contacting you anyway in the face of you apparently not caring much about him either...if that's the gist, this is NOT unwarranted, shocking, cowardly, etc. ghosting. Sorry.

 

Real relationships don't usually grow out of games and tests. If he was expecting you to contact him, don't test whether he'll contact you anyway; contact him.

 

I could be going off an incorrect interpretation of all this. It it is all sort of half a story, and I'm not going to go digging for someone's past posts; if a person wants useful answers, she must provide full information. I'm not a detective. Otherwise it's just a mad "he's a total monster!" bash and then feeling dumb for having gotten upset on a stranger's behalf when the story actually starts coming out.

 

You want to contact him, contact him but if it was on you to contact him in the first place, be aware that it isn't he who owes an apology.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Here's the thing. I was left extremely screwed up from my last breakup and this is the first guy since my ex. So I do have a huge wall up and kind of anticipate failure when dating. I have also been much less proactive in this relationship than in my past ones, because I am so scared of chasing another doomed relationship. BUT, he has been a bit wishy washy as well, especially in the last few weeks. Like taking too long to set up a date, only seeing me once while he had time off work, etc. His contact level has not been frequent enough to suggest that he wants to be serious with me (compared to my past relationships at least).

 

He's wishy-washy because you're not giving him much, so, like any healthy person, he is pulling back.

 

He can't read your mind.

[varicose]

So how do you know he doesn't feel exactly the same way and is doing the same thing you are? Wondering any the hell you never contacted him, and feeling hurt?

 

There are obviously some games going on here, and unspoken, unfair "tests".

 

Yet half the thread is a collective leap on this dude sight unseen, with basically no into what actually may have happened, and the pitchforks are in the air and the torches lighted to condemn this terrible monster.

 

Seriously...the fact that some people freak out like this (and they do) allmost no matter what in the face of even perceived, much less literal rejection IS why people ghost. Because who wants to be on the receiving and of misplaced fury and half-hysteria?

 

OP, you didn't contact him although apparently he was expecting you to (???) (I...think?) and then refused to make the contact due his not contacting you anyway in the face of you apparently not caring much about him either...if that's the gist, this is NOT unwarranted, shocking, cowardly, etc. ghosting. Sorry.

 

Real relationships don't usually grow out of games and tests. If he was expecting you to contact him, don't test whether he'll contact you anyway; contact him.

 

I could be going off an incorrect interpretation of all this. It it is all sort of half a story, and I'm not going to go digging for someone's past posts; if a person wants useful answers, she must provide full information. I'm not a detective. Otherwise it's just a mad "he's a total monster!" bash and then feeling dumb for having gotten upset on a stranger's behalf when the story actually starts coming out.

 

You want to contact him, contact him but if it was on you to contact him in the first place, be aware that it isn't he who owes an apology.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

 

I think there was a misunderstanding. He had no reason to expect a text from me. We just had a date, parted ways, and that was that. I chose to wait and see if he pursued me rather than initiate any more.

 

Maybe I will reach out to test the waters after all.

 

But don't you think it's still weird that he never reached out for 2 weeks? That's a long time. And after the cuddles/affection on our last date... how could he really think I'm not into him!?

Edited January 16, 2017 by varicose

[Jj66]

Why would he block me? Lol. He did not. I have not been harassing him. In fact I haven't even reached out!

 

It's my assumption that people ghost because they don't want an uncomfortable conversation. Blocking prevents that from happening. If I were to decide to ghost someone I would definitely block them.

 

If you haven't reached out how can you even pretend to know if you have been blocked or not? You say you haven't been blocked as if it's something you know definitively. Are you stalking him?

[varicose]

It's my assumption that people ghost because they don't want an uncomfortable conversation. Blocking prevents that from happening. If I were to decide to ghost someone I would definitely block them.

 

If you haven't reached out how can you even pretend to know if you have been blocked or not? You say you haven't been blocked as if it's something you know definitively. Are you stalking him?

 

Well that's a new one. The only time I've ever heard of blocking is when you're being bothered by the person.

 

In my experience, guys tend to like to keep the door open, even if they're not interested in a relationship with you.

[mortensorchid]

I have questioned myself on this issue. I think the best thing is to just let it go. The other party might say "Reason A B C, etc.", but what does it do for you other than to just have a reason? Ultimately it's not your fault, it's them really. There's nothing wrong with you, you have to tell yourself. This person was just a wimp or they were not that interested or they realized they do not deserve you, etc. Because you want someone who deserves to be with you not someone who treats you like that.

[ashy555]

Depends on the situation and how long you have been dating for. If It wasn't for very long then its good to let it go. You don't need an explanation. If he has disappeared. He ain't interested or he met someone else.

I have never asked 'why' i've been ghosted because he will either say something generic or be upfront and tell you he doesn't find you attractive anymore or he's met someone better. That hurts to hear so its best left alone.

 

If they ghost after 3 months plus of full on dating then Nope... They deserve an earful. It happened to me after 4-5 months. I just confronted him and told I got the hint loud and clear. Thanked him for the lack of respect he showed me and said I deserve way better anyway. Got a reply within a few minutes and ignored from there. I cried at first. Within a few hours I felt complete and utter RELIEF. I think they need to know when they are being disrespectful. You also need to do it in a way where you get to keep your dignity. Short, strong and to the point is the way to go. You don't need to ask why. You already know why.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think there was a misunderstanding. He had no reason to expect a text from me. We just had a date, parted ways, and that was that. I chose to wait and see if he pursued me rather than initiate any more.

 

Maybe I will reach out to test the waters after all.

 

But don't you think it's still weird that he never reached out for 2 weeks? That's a long time. And after the cuddles/affection on our last date... how could he really think I'm not into him!?

 

I think it's neither more nor less weird than you not reaching out for two weeks.

 

I'm not coming down on you, I'm just being honest and logical.

Edited January 16, 2017 by CaliforniaGirl
"Nor," not "or"

[Redhead14]

I think there was a misunderstanding. He had no reason to expect a text from me. We just had a date, parted ways, and that was that. I chose to wait and see if he pursued me rather than initiate any more.

 

Maybe I will reach out to test the waters after all.

 

But don't you think it's still weird that he never reached out for 2 weeks? That's a long time. And after the cuddles/affection on our last date... how could he really think I'm not into him!?

 

how could he really think I'm not into him! -- If he's allowed 2 weeks to pass, he doesn't care whether you are into him or not.

 

I chose to wait and see if he pursued me rather than initiate any more. -- And, after only one date, that's what you should have done. Now you know he wasn't going to pursue you. If you use this "tactic", you need to accept whatever results come of it. That is the purpose of letting the man initiate in the beginning, to see what his interest level is.

 

Maybe I will reach out to test the waters after all. -- If you do this after so much time has passed, you're just showing him you will chase after him and that he can come and go as he pleases because you will tolerate disappearing for 2 weeks . . . the guy isn't that interested.

[kendahke]

Would you?

 

I wouldn't bother. What's the point? You think confronting them is going to make them stick around? If they cared how you felt, they wouldn't have ghosted. Confronting them isn't going to make them care and you might walk away with less dignity than if you had kept yourself taciturnly. All that confrontation will do is confirm to them that ghosting was a really good idea.

[Redhead14]

And, to me, not hearing from a man after only one date is not ghosting. Ghosting is about disappearing after things are more established. Dating is a process. You go out on a date, ask for/accept another or not . . .

[mightycpa]

I think there was a misunderstanding. He had no reason to expect a text from me. We just had a date, parted ways, and that was that. I chose to wait and see if he pursued me rather than initiate any more.

 

Maybe I will reach out to test the waters after all.

 

But don't you think it's still weird that he never reached out for 2 weeks? That's a long time. And after the cuddles/affection on our last date... how could he really think I'm not into him!?

I don't think this qualifies as ghosting. Ghosting implies that there is an ongoing, established relationship with expectations of ongoing contact. From all you've written, it sounded like you were still in the exploratory stages, trying to determine if you could reach the stage where one expects ongoing contact. Six dates sounds like just about when you'd figure that out with somebody.

 

I'd say you got dropped, but even two weeks is a little too short to make that determination. You may have simply descended lower in his dating rotation. One way or the other, I'd say you're on your way out, if you're not out already.

[stillafool]

Here's the thing. I was left extremely screwed up from my last breakup and this is the first guy since my ex. So I do have a huge wall up and kind of anticipate failure when dating. I have also been much less proactive in this relationship than in my past ones, because I am so scared of chasing another doomed relationship. BUT, he has been a bit wishy washy as well, especially in the last few weeks. Like taking too long to set up a date, only seeing me once while he had time off work, etc. His contact level has not been frequent enough to suggest that he wants to be serious with me (compared to my past relationships at least).

 

More than likely, since you guys weren't exclusive, he is and was dating others while seeing you. Because he is free he probably became distracted by one of the other women he is seeing and didn't get back to you. I know you've been hurt in your past but if you are going to continue dating these are the chances you will have to take.

[ReformedPUA]

I agree w the others--this isn't quite ghosting.

 

1. From reading your previous threads, he doesn't sound all that into you (sorry).

 

2. You know you could have reached out in the two weeks too.

 

3. You mentioned pulling away yourself, maybe he thought you weren't that interested either.

 

Anyway given his less than intense interest and your lack of perceived enthusiasm, it isn't that surprising he decided not to call you back. It looked like you weren't that into things either so what is there to explain.

 

So to answer your original question, there really isn't a basis for you to "confront" him over.

Edited January 16, 2017 by ReformedPUA

[varicose]

I agree w the others--this isn't quite ghosting.

 

1. From reading your previous threads, he doesn't sound all that into you (sorry).

 

2. You know you could have reached out in the two weeks too.

 

3. You mentioned pulling away yourself, maybe he thought you weren't that interested either.

 

Anyway given his less than intense interest and your lack of perceived enthusiasm, it isn't that surprising he decided not to call you back. It looked like you weren't that into things either so what is there to explain.

 

So to answer your original question, there really isn't a basis for you to "confront" him over.

 

Ok.. but what about reaching out if I'm still interested?

[stillafool]

Ok.. but what about reaching out if I'm still interested?

 

Why would you still be interested when you have a 5 page thread going about how he hurt you by ghosting? You guys were never dating and after the first date it seems he is not interested. You still want him?

[Redhead14]

Ok.. but what about reaching out if I'm still interested?

 

Why would you still be interested in a man you only had one date with and who has stopped contacting you for 2 weeks???? I'd have lost interest after only a couple of days, let alone 2 weeks, no matter how much I liked him on that first date. I need a real show of sincere interest in order to give him the same.

 

Ask yourself why you're still "hanging on" to a guy you went out with once and hasn't shown you any more interest?

[varicose]

Why would you still be interested when you have a 5 page thread going about how he hurt you by ghosting? You guys were never dating and after the first date it seems he is not interested. You still want him?

 

What do you mean 'first date'? It wasn't one date. It was many.

[varicose]

Why would you still be interested in a man you only had one date with and who has stopped contacting you for 2 weeks???? I'd have lost interest after only a couple of days, let alone 2 weeks, no matter how much I liked him on that first date. I need a real show of sincere interest in order to give him the same.

 

Ask yourself why you're still "hanging on" to a guy you went out with once and hasn't shown you any more interest?

 

Where did you see that this was one date? It was 6 dates! Trust me, I do not give a **** after just one date. And he did his share of initiating all the dates until the last several weeks where I was initiating more (though he still did a few times). Why am I hanging on? Because it's weird to me to end it like that, on a good note? That has never happened to me before.

[Redhead14]

Why would you still be interested when you have a 5 page thread going about how he hurt you by ghosting? You guys were never dating and after the first date it seems he is not interested. You still want him?

 

This is the kind of scenario that sets a woman up for stringing herself along. She chases after a guy who doesn't demonstrate sincere interest. Sure, he may see her again because she reached out but he knows she doesn't command/demand very much for herself -- all a guy needs to do is show her the tiniest bit of interest and she's all in. So, why not see her, get sex when it's convenient for him, give her a text here and there to keep her thinking it's going "her" way. A guy will sometimes let a woman string herself along at least until he finds one he's really interested in.

 

It's a matter of dignity and poise and boundaries and not accepting less than you deserve.

[stillafool]

What do you mean 'first date'? It wasn't one date. It was many.

 

Sorry I must have confused you with another poster. Even so, that makes it worse. If you two were actively dating and he ghosts you he definitely is no longer interested and I wouldn't beg for him if I were you. The most that will happen is he will see you a few more times, have sex and ghost again. But hey, if you can't put this behind you go ahead and call him.

[LivingDeadGrl]

It sounds like you ghosted each other, and when people do that it's because they aren't really all that into the person.

 

What's your excuse for not reaching out after the last date? You were waiting for him to reach out first?

If that's the case, and he didn't reach out, that means he is not that interested.

 

Men who are interested will reach out. They will make an effort. They will want to see you and talk to you.

 

Maybe there is an off chance he is one of those guys that wants the woman to pursue. You aren't that apparently, so move on.

 

I wouldn't even bother at this point. 6 dates is enough to deserve some sort of explanation I agree, but you both are guilty of doing the same thing. Just move on.