Have you ever thought you were done with an ex, but found interest again?

[jamili]

My situation was a little different, i couldn't walk away the day of the b/u. I still lived with my ex, had no other place to stay, and had to live there for 4 weeks until my new lease began at a new place. I didnt know about NC or any of this stuff at the time, but thankfully had enough natural self respect to not beg. However, my situation wasnt just a "she lost interest" kind of situation, she believee i was lying about something, but i was not, and during the first two weeks of waiting for my new place i did a decent amount of arguing that i was truthful and trying to patch up relationship by working through the trust problem. It obviously had no effect, so i just told her basically "look, im done trying to explain my truthfulness to you, if you dont believe it or trust me because of your own insecuritire, fine, i dont wish to be with a insecure woman. " and i proceeded to avoid her/be out of the house and ignore her the final two weeks.

 

During this time she blew up my phone with texts, but nothing that showed any intent to reconcile, so i ignored them all. On the day i moved out, she kept blowing up my phone, so i did finally text back a longish emotional text, asking her to please stop texting me because it was making it harder to move on, and i called her out for her deep insecurity issues and basically laid into her about how she needs to fix herself if she ever plans on maintaining any healthy, serious relationship. She promptly changed demeanor and asked that we go NC. I agreed, wholehardedly (at this point i was incredibly pissed off for 1. Being called a liar, and 2. Her incessant texting after she dumped me). I shouldnt have shown emotion, but it got the better of me. After 4 weeks of having to see her every day... it will really test your resolve.

 

However, i respected the NC that day and never broke it. I walked away as soon as it was physically possible - 4 weeks. Not sure if that hurt my chances or made me a doormat, but i had no choice. Im new to the area i live in and havent made any close friends yet to stay with. Its been about 4 months now and i havent broken NC. She did, a few days ago, with photos she sent me in an email, but i ignored.

 

For those of you who dont live with your ex and are going through a break up- count your blessings, you have an opportunity i did not - walk away right now and dont look back!

Edited January 8, 2017 by jamili

[Sweetfish]

I totally agree with you, people can mature and grow. I think both parties should move on from each other before coming back, just to truly heal and safely test the waters. I've learned so much in the past months it's crazy...if we never work out, then I guess it's left at that. I'll have to remember what I learned and make the next guy feel special.

 

And I've got to respect him for his decision. The moral of this story is that you need to get yourself some help, and start treating people in your life right. Otherwise, you're going to keep hurting people and losing the special ones.

 

I'm happy for him that he's learnt when to say no, in order to look after himself.

 

I respect you for our honesty, most women out there don't ever change, and keep hurting the men who don't know when to walk away. This can be a point of change for you, but you're going to have to let this particular one go.

 

Someone might WANT to change, but can someone change so drastically in less than a year? People who sabotage relationships and use dumping as a tool, will need years of solid work to get rid of the pattern. It could be linked to family issues, childhood, really deep rooted stuff.

 

I had an ex(the dumper) express a new interest and paint a picture of having changed within 4 months. I wasn't interested as I could see she hadn't changed. Instantly she went back to being the same old dysfunctional person again. The 'change,' was just a temporary act she was trying to convince herself and me of. Me going NC and moving on had rekindled her attraction but If I'd taken her back, she'd just turn nasty again.

 

So to those who apply NC and have their ex reach out, do consider this.

 

Its good to see a desire in people to change, but until they have changed you can expect more of the same.

 

Because on average, since a women will be in a relationship faster after a breakup. Its almost impossible for her do any kinda frame work on her self. Its human nature to correct pain with pleasure. Women have the ability to acquire a male faster than a male can acquire a woman because the over inflated value of women in general.

 

Look... its over inflated...im sorry.. it is what it is.

 

These guys who are NC for 4-8 months (not in serious relationships) will surpass your 9 months of exploration. SO yes its very difficult for a man to get back into a relationship because they will most likely deflate your value and they will become more self aware. (Don't take the self aware with a grain of salt, he will be a reconstructed person)

 

Right now your seeking the pleasure you lost and cannot re-create or find.

So your homage to him is to find another male and treat him better? I'm conflicted with this statement.

 

Look you either love him or you don't love him. Its not going to be easy. If you want him to just open up. Its not going to happen and it may take a year for things to smooth out.

 

Im just giving the OP a realistic idea that your not going to get these feeling back the first couple months back into the relationship.. You will have to prove your self and pretty much be treated.. just how you treat him.

 

Combined with the fact that you may have other male orbiters around you its easy to "slip"

 

There is a thread in another forum where a female was the thread starter. She posted how she screwed up and left her boyfriend for an older richer guy. Her boyfriend was studying to be a doctor. He just wasn't enough. She needed more. She realized her fault and she got back with her boyfriend. Ironically, later the thread was "updated" and the update was from the now 2x ex-bf. The update was how she left him again for another doctor and how she was sorry and it wasn't going to work.

 

 

Look the statement above, I know it counters what I've been saying. Im saying it takes two understanding and willing people to reconcile. Not everyone is cut out for reconcile. But many guys go NC and improve them selves for the reunion and are not doing internal frame work as well as the ex-gf and you pretty much just rekindled the break-up stage.

[MeadowFlower]

I don't care what anyone says or thinks, I believe reconciliations are possible. It does take BOTH people to be committed however. What about forgiveness, friendship, commitment. Don't forget love is a decision, not just some nice feeling. Love is wayyyyy deeper than attraction, feelings and sexual attraction. Relationships shouldn't be a game or some occupation.

[Pumpingiron34]

Because on average, since a women will be in a relationship faster after a breakup. Its almost impossible for her do any kinda frame work on her self. Its human nature to correct pain with pleasure. Women have the ability to acquire a male faster than a male can acquire a woman because the over inflated value of women in general.

 

Look... its over inflated...im sorry.. it is what it is.

 

These guys who are NC for 4-8 months (not in serious relationships) will surpass your 9 months of exploration. SO yes its very difficult for a man to get back into a relationship because they will most likely deflate your value and they will become more self aware. (Don't take the self aware with a grain of salt, he will be a reconstructed person)

 

Right now your seeking the pleasure you lost and cannot re-create or find.

So your homage to him is to find another male and treat him better? I'm conflicted with this statement.

 

Look you either love him or you don't love him. Its not going to be easy. If you want him to just open up. Its not going to happen and it may take a year for things to smooth out.

 

Im just giving the OP a realistic idea that your not going to get these feeling back the first couple months back into the relationship.. You will have to prove your self and pretty much be treated.. just how you treat him.

 

Combined with the fact that you may have other male orbiters around you its easy to "slip"

 

There is a thread in another forum where a female was the thread starter. She posted how she screwed up and left her boyfriend for an older richer guy. Her boyfriend was studying to be a doctor. He just wasn't enough. She needed more. She realized her fault and she got back with her boyfriend. Ironically, later the thread was "updated" and the update was from the now 2x ex-bf. The update was how she left him again for another doctor and how she was sorry and it wasn't going to work.

 

 

Look the statement above, I know it counters what I've been saying. Im saying it takes two understanding and willing people to reconcile. Not everyone is cut out for reconcile. But many guys go NC and improve them selves for the reunion and are not doing internal frame work as well as the ex-gf and you pretty much just rekindled the break-up stage.

 

I got dumped/abandoned 8 months ago went nc 7 months ago. After a 5 year relationship she lost attraction or what ever went right into another relationship after a month and hooked up with countless dudes. I on the other hand, the pain has changed me so greatly I honestly look back on my self and wonder who i even was. im so different my views my everything. How could i even enter another relationship after something like that. I am emotionally harder and understand so much more what is required in a relationship to make it work. Here i am now 8 months later, 19 missed calls from her last night dident answer one. 1. idgamf what she has to say to me because its her trying to prolly yell at me for something and it shows she has not even changed a tiny tiny little bit 2. I have no reason at this point to speak to some one who was so cruel to me and left me obliterated in pain just to go off on social media with every guy in town. Now 4 months ago i prolly would have answered and got tossed around like a fool. No thank you im fine alone and idc if i die alone But, i will not be abandoned by no body pce!

[Josephgro]

I'm just so confused...why do all of these dumpers want their ex back after a long while, one day I was living life, then one day I started to wonder about humans the thoughts grew more and more. I set up a therapy appt. for next week to see if there's something I don't know of that's effect me to push all of my loved ones (not family) away...I just don't get how the ex wants the ex back after loss of attraction, and they somehow gain it back. I know it's not every case, but I've seen sooo many cases of this. Can anyone explain?

[lauri]

I just want to say that I'm enjoying all the different points of view on here.

 

Although true, this is another generalisation.

 

My story. I was in an LDR. My dog got sick, I was forced to become a carer 24/7 for several months. I was unable to go and visit her and I started calling her less due to the stress of my situation.

 

Once she decided to breakup, I jumped on a plane the next day and flew to another country. Called her up from her laneway. I bet her blew her socks off, probably both in a positive and negative way

 

Yes, I am sure that that act probably freaked her out a little, but it did allow the relationship to continue another 18 months.

 

The reason why I did it was because I knew she had misinterpreted my actions. I did care about her and the relationship. I was just super-stressed and didn't want to offload my emotional baggage on her so I just went quiet on her. Flying over there was to show her I wasn't a defeated person, just a very stressed person.

 

I don't regret doing that to this day. My situation was unique and it was what I felt I needed to do. I believe a strong bold move is at least preferable to begging and pleading.

 

I have been 5 months NC and it has been her who has recently been breaking it. And I have not responded. So it would seem she has some sort of respect for me now.

 

But, for sure, never beg/plead once someone says they don't want to see you or whatever. After a BU, one strong move (depending) and then disappear.

 

See, in your situation I could see why it lasted longer. Your ex was not breaking up with you because she lost her romantic feelings towards you but more due to it being a LDR. It's a very hard situation to be in. In terms of OP's situation, it was her losing interest and romantic feelings towards him. That's the major difference between your two situations.

 

I don't care what anyone says or thinks, I believe reconciliations are possible. It does take BOTH people to be committed however. What about forgiveness, friendship, commitment. Don't forget love is a decision, not just some nice feeling. Love is wayyyyy deeper than attraction, feelings and sexual attraction. Relationships shouldn't be a game or some occupation.

 

You're correct, there is a lot more to love than what most people look for in it. However, love is (and can be) a decision but attraction is not. You cannot deny that sexual attraction and chemistry is very important to keep a relationship stable. This is why a lot of relationships end with the whole "I love but but I'm not in love with you" talk once that attraction leaves. I'd argue that as much as you and I want to believe that it isn't as necessary, the truth in today's dating world is far from it. If you don't believe me, take a look at a dead bedroom forum and see how many couples have "sexless" marriages because they no longer have that attraction towards their partner. They may love them but you cannot just be attracted to something that you are not. It's true the partner could do stuff to help the relationship but usually by that point the other side is so far out the door it's too late. The thing is relationships and love are a lot of work. It takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work.

 

With regards to reconciliation, of course it's possible. But the reality is that if you lost interest in someone before there is a high chance that they still have the qualities that you had before that caused the breakup.

 

I'm just so confused...why do all of these dumpers want their ex back after a long while, one day I was living life, then one day I started to wonder about humans the thoughts grew more and more. I set up a therapy appt. for next week to see if there's something I don't know of that's effect me to push all of my loved ones (not family) away...I just don't get how the ex wants the ex back after loss of attraction, and they somehow gain it back. I know it's not every case, but I've seen sooo many cases of this. Can anyone explain?

 

I think as many have alluded to earlier, you thought you could do better and things didn't seem to work out after you tried dating other men. You may be interested in your ex again at this moment but I'm not sure if you would be if you see him again. Reason why? Because he's broken right now and is still extremely weak. This is something that you will have a hard time coping with...and chances are he may be extremely jealous / non trusting which could led to you two having a really really rocky start. He's probably going to pry into you dating other guys and may not take it very well.

 

There are a lot of my friends who have had their girlfriend breakup with them, go date other guys then come back to them as plan B. They went back to them, things seemed great until their girlfriends left them for a second or third time. Why? Because they realized the first or second time they broke up with that person that they are still who they lost interest in.

 

I'm not here to tell you it is not possible, but I just think based off what you've told me it's going to be very hard for you two to work out. You're feeling this way because he's moving on and your plan to leave him didn't work out the way you thought it would (meaning the other guys out there aren't what you thought they'd be). I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I honestly believe that. I think you're just confused because of what you're going through and you don't fully realize why you are feeling what you are feeling. You pushed away this particular ex boyfriend because you were no longer into him and there is nothing wrong with that. In the end, you did him a favour rather than dragging him along which would've made both of you unhappy.

 

I can promise you when you meet a guy you're really really really into, you will not push him away. You will do anything and everything to keep him in your life and wouldn't even take a risk at breaking up with them.

[marky00]

I'm just so confused...why do all of these dumpers want their ex back after a long while, one day I was living life, then one day I started to wonder about humans the thoughts grew more and more. I set up a therapy appt. for next week to see if there's something I don't know of that's effect me to push all of my loved ones (not family) away...I just don't get how the ex wants the ex back after loss of attraction, and they somehow gain it back. I know it's not every case, but I've seen sooo many cases of this. Can anyone explain?

 

Hear a lot of stories of people (usually women) who will break off relationships in their 20s and early 30s, go and date some real jerks/narcissists/ rough blokes etc and then their values flip back again as they reach their mid 30s or so. They realise they need to get serious again or whatever.

 

 

I think there is many components to a person and when you breakup with someone, its like a part of you broke it off but not your whole self. As you values change in life, the part of you that remains with your Ex increases or decreases and fluctuates over time.

 

 

This is why reconciliations also require a bit of luck to eventuate.

[marky00]

 

See, in your situation I could see why it lasted longer. Your ex was not breaking up with you because she lost her romantic feelings towards you but more due to it being a LDR. It's a very hard situation to be in. In terms of OP's situation, it was her losing interest and romantic feelings towards him. That's the major difference between your two situations.

 

 

 

Actually, I do think she lost attraction.

 

 

Yes LDR was a factor but she saw my lack of action and having a pity party about my sick dog as a weakness. Even though we lasted another 18 months, I could tell she was less invested.

 

 

The physical attraction was probably still there, the friendship, the fun holidays but I'm almost certain deep-down she had given up on getting married etc.

 

 

Being an LDR did give the small advantage of her not seeing my weaknesses and clinginess post-breakup. That was a small advantage that may have worked in my favour, allowing things to continue a little longer.

[Sweetfish]

I'm just so confused...why do all of these dumpers want their ex back after a long while, one day I was living life, then one day I started to wonder about humans the thoughts grew more and more. I set up a therapy appt. for next week to see if there's something I don't know of that's effect me to push all of my loved ones (not family) away...I just don't get how the ex wants the ex back after loss of attraction, and they somehow gain it back. I know it's not every case, but I've seen sooo many cases of this. Can anyone explain?

 

Because you delayed the grieving process and splitting.

[fromheart]

I'm just so confused...why do all of these dumpers want their ex back after a long while, one day I was living life, then one day I started to wonder about humans the thoughts grew more and more. I set up a therapy appt. for next week to see if there's something I don't know of that's effect me to push all of my loved ones (not family) away...I just don't get how the ex wants the ex back after loss of attraction, and they somehow gain it back. I know it's not every case, but I've seen sooo many cases of this. Can anyone explain?

 

 

He didn't stand up to you. A woman never respects a doormat and certainly isn't attracted to him.

 

Now he's standing up to you while he works on himself, and has turned you down. All of a sudden he's no longer a doormat. He was dumped for being weak, now he's being strong.

 

 

OP, we all make big mistakes in relationships, I know I have. The trick is to get to the root of it and not make those mistakes again. Otherwise we'll F up peoples heads and they will F up or heads.

 

Maybe take a little bit of time away from relationships and work on yourself. With your ex, you've put it out there that you'd like to meet, he knows that. Just work on yourself and if he's for you, you'll hear from him once things have settled and you've both improved on yourselves. If not, there will definitely be someone out there, who's also made mistakes and grown from them.

[Sweetfish]

He didn't stand up to you. A woman never respects a doormat and certainly isn't attracted to him.

 

Now he's standing up to you while he works on himself, and has turned you down. All of a sudden he's no longer a doormat. He was dumped for being weak, now he's being strong.

 

 

OP, we all make big mistakes in relationships, I know I have. The trick is to get to the root of it and not make those mistakes again. Otherwise we'll F up peoples heads and they will F up or heads.

 

Maybe take a little bit of time away from relationships and work on yourself. With your ex, you've put it out there that you'd like to meet, he knows that. Just work on yourself and if he's for you, you'll hear from him once things have settled and you've both improved on yourselves. If not, there will definitely be someone out there, who's also made mistakes and grown from them.

 

Stop being an enabler. To extent being a doormat will make anyone lose attraction male or female. There will always be a guy who will engage with your S.O. and will treat her more aggressive than you. So in reality what your saying is she has an excuse to dump you or cheating on you. Like I said if she doesnt like the relationship she is free to walk.

 

Guy are getting the attraction stuff lost in translation. Women do not forget and if the guy was a doormat she wouldn't want to be with him. The reality is women needs simply change constantly. One minute they want to be in a relationship, one minute they want freedom, another minute they want kids and a family.

 

It is often after a breakup women will find a "nice guy" because they know that he will not pump and dump her. She will find this "nice guy" and slowly her needs will be met and her problems will be resolved and her self esteem rises.

 

Eventually, the "nice guy" is no use anymore. This will typically last for 2-3 years. Like clock work! I see it over and over again everywhere.

 

Eventually, the women wants MORE. This is brought on by social media, the guy dude in the group who push-pulls her attention, the friends who are posting up party pics.

The grass is soo much greener! "Oh i know all my boyfriends attributes, what he eats, we just play video games, or watch movies" i want something different

 

This has nothing to do with being a doormat. This is about the feeling of being trapped and thinking the world is an awesome party.

 

The break-up starts way before he knows it and the women creates an anger. His dirty clothes he leaves on the floor, the smelly breath, or the hair on his back. She starts to become attracted to the outside world or another man.

 

She will live in two worlds. One were she sleeps with you and tells you i love you and another world where you dont exist and emotionally attached to the outside influence.

 

The emotional attachment outside WILL overrule the relationship. It is the greener grass.

 

Once the breakup occurrs and the weight is lifted off her shoulders.

 

She will think she did the right thing. You will party, have fun, have sex with other people and guess what... holy ****

 

I don't get those warm huggs that i love so much. Those good night kisses. Maybe the flowers for my birthday. Wait im not actually anymore happier outside the relationship. Oh my ex treated me like a princess and i threw him to the curb.

 

Nothing has really changed on the greener side... its the same

 

The only way this event doesnt happen is if you met a guy better than your ex... its possible he is a rebound and your feelings for your ex over rules or rejects this new relationship.

 

You still work or go to school.

You self-esteem is still the same.

You still go out and eat

 

 

Guess what... you know every attribute to your friends and you know the party scene. Same ole people, same ole time. Your exactly back where u were when you dumped your ex.

 

This is were you start thinking about the ex and wondering what he is doing and missing him.

 

But only if he cuts him self out the picture.... conpletely

Edited January 9, 2017 by Sweetfish

[whatdeww18]

Stop being an enabler. To extent being a doormat will make anyone lose attraction male or female. There will always be a guy who will engage with your S.O. and will treat her more aggressive than you. So in reality what your saying is she has an excuse to dump you or cheating on you. Like I said if she doesnt like the relationship she is free to walk.

 

Guy are getting the attraction stuff lost in translation. Women do not forget and if the guy was a doormat she wouldn't want to be with him. The reality is women needs simply change constantly. One minute they want to be in a relationship, one minute they want freedom, another minute they want kids and a family.

 

It is often after a breakup women will find a "nice guy" because they know that he will not pump and dump her. She will find this "nice guy" and slowly her needs will be met and her problems will be resolved and her self esteem rises.

 

Eventually, the "nice guy" is no use anymore. This will typically last for 2-3 years. Like clock work! I see it over and over again everywhere.

 

Eventually, the women wants MORE. This is brought on by social media, the guy dude in the group who push-pulls her attention, the friends who are posting up party pics.

The grass is soo much greener! "Oh i know all my boyfriends attributes, what he eats, we just play video games, or watch movies" i want something different

 

This has nothing to do with being a doormat. This is about the feeling of being trapped and thinking the world is an awesome party.

 

The break-up starts way before he knows it and the women creates an anger. His dirty clothes he leaves on the floor, the smelly breath, or the hair on his back. She starts to become attracted to the outside world or another man.

 

She will live in two worlds. One were she sleeps with you and tells you i love you and another world where you dont exist and emotionally attached to the outside influence.

 

The emotional attachment outside WILL overrule the relationship. It is the greener grass.

 

Once the breakup occurrs and the weight is lifted off her shoulders.

 

She will think she did the right thing. You will party, have fun, have sex with other people and guess what... holy ****

 

I don't get those warm huggs that i love so much. Those good night kisses. Maybe the flowers for my birthday. Wait im not actually anymore happier outside the relationship. Oh my ex treated me like a princess and i threw him to the curb.

 

Nothing has really changed on the greener side... its the same

 

The only way this event doesnt happen is if you met a guy better than your ex... its possible he is a rebound and your feelings for your ex over rules or rejects this new relationship.

 

You still work or go to school.

You self-esteem is still the same.

You still go out and eat

 

 

Guess what... you know every attribute to your friends and you know the party scene. Same ole people, same ole time. Your exactly back where u were when you dumped your ex.

 

This is were you start thinking about the ex and wondering what he is doing and missing him.

 

But only if he cuts him self out the picture.... conpletely

 

Sweetfish for the win! I'm not very old but have seen this as well, and like clockwork, I've seen no contact work quite often. But do pay attention to what Sweetfish has said, and really use No Contact to do some self-discovery and work on yourself. Months of exploring/dating/partying/hooking up/whatever else do not compare to months spent solving internal problems and building a repertoire of tools for proper communication.

 

I do think this is why a LOT of reconciliations are not successful, they're so complex. If the dumper comes back, have they had enough time to be single and evaluate their mistakes that led to the break up? Did the dumpee evaluate enough and heal to the point of not holding resentment? Is there love between the two? And this isn't everything as I'm too lazy to type everything out haha. But there's just so much and then there's the question of if there is truly love between you two, why did the break up happen? What will prevent another? Reconciliations are SO much work and are both parties willing to put in this work?

 

Wishing you all the best and much love

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[abc0001]

Sweetfish for the win! I'm not very old but have seen this as well, and like clockwork, I've seen no contact work quite often. But do pay attention to what Sweetfish has said, and really use No Contact to do some self-discovery and work on yourself. Months of exploring/dating/partying/hooking up/whatever else do not compare to months spent solving internal problems and building a repertoire of tools for proper communication.

 

I do think this is why a LOT of reconciliations are not successful, they're so complex. If the dumper comes back, have they had enough time to be single and evaluate their mistakes that led to the break up? Did the dumpee evaluate enough and heal to the point of not holding resentment? Is there love between the two? And this isn't everything as I'm too lazy to type everything out haha. But there's just so much and then there's the question of if there is truly love between you two, why did the break up happen? What will prevent another? Reconciliations are SO much work and are both parties willing to put in this work?

 

Wishing you all the best and much love

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

I believe love can be regained...like attraction. When I dumped my ex I felt on top of the world...so so much power. I made a few new friends and I felt free. After several months I begain to realize that I started to miss my ex, I thought this was just from being lonely so I ignored it. Fast forward to a year after the break up, and the inability to find anyone to make me as happy as my ex did, this is where it hit. I knew at this point that I still had feelings, but the stress of the relationship covered them. I also would see my ex out having fun and it knocked down my power I thought I once had. I worked on myself once I started to see my faults in the relationship, and I tried reaching out, but I was blocked on everything. I told one of his friends if he could talk to me and he said "You had your chance for almost a year to come back, but didn't. I have moved on." This hurt...I put a lot of though on if I truly wanted him, and I did. I am now moving once again, and I hope I won't make the same mistakes. Dumpers don't feel the effects of NC until a long while, or until you moved on. If you want your ex back, move on, it's attractive. I don't know how it happens but if you want hope please move on.

[AT15]

I believe love can be regained...like attraction. When I dumped my ex I felt on top of the world...so so much power. I made a few new friends and I felt free. After several months I begain to realize that I started to miss my ex, I thought this was just from being lonely so I ignored it. Fast forward to a year after the break up, and the inability to find anyone to make me as happy as my ex did, this is where it hit. I knew at this point that I still had feelings, but the stress of the relationship covered them. I also would see my ex out having fun and it knocked down my power I thought I once had. I worked on myself once I started to see my faults in the relationship, and I tried reaching out, but I was blocked on everything. I told one of his friends if he could talk to me and he said "You had your chance for almost a year to come back, but didn't. I have moved on." This hurt...I put a lot of though on if I truly wanted him, and I did. I am now moving once again, and I hope I won't make the same mistakes. Dumpers don't feel the effects of NC until a long while, or until you moved on. If you want your ex back, move on, it's attractive. I don't know how it happens but if you want hope please move on.

 

This is exactly true. I was in a push/pull fwb relationship in my late teens/early 20s. I was CRAZY in love with R. He let me down, broke my heart too many times to count. April of 2000, there was a party and I had a very public disagreement with another girl, and R was so embarrassed he told me he didn't want to talk to me for a long while. I was devastated. I called him, hung out with his buddies, still saw him at clubs. Finally after moving 1000 miles back home, I resolved myself to get over him.

 

It was December 2000. I began really getting myself togther. Everything was coming together with my modeling career. In January 2001, I met a guy who truly touched my heart. We started dating in May 2001 officially. And guess who comes calling? Yup! R! We talked for 4 hours the first night we touched base with each other. Shared feelings from the past and said a lot of stuff (long ago, I can't remember). Long story short, he kinda held out for me for a long time. I ended getting married. When I told him I was engaged, he told me I was making a mistake. I was so happy tho. My marriage didn't work out and I came back around for him, but he was gone. Married and very happy.

 

I'm now getting over the 4th love of my life, and I'm struggling. I think the pain comes from resistance. When I tell myself he deserves happiness and joy, the pain subsides a great deal. When I focus on wanting him back, the pain is intense.

 

Wish them happiness. That's all you want and that's all they want too. Wish them happiness. It's healing.

[jorgeg3d]

Hello, I asked him if we could grab a coffee. I told him that I knew I f*cked up, and I know now how to supply his needs, and be a great partner. He said he was so hurt by the break up he had to go to therapy and on meds, that right there ruined my whole week possibly. He then texted me and said he is not going to come back since he does not trust me, and I hurt him way too much. I feel so stupid. I also do think that the dumpees who actually gotten their exes back (or dumpers) just never come here so we don't have many stories on how they did it, how long it took, etc. I am now a strong believer that you don't realize what you have until it's gone, and you want what you can't get. I guess once he moved on my brain sensed it, and I wanted him...ever since that day I've been trying to improve myself, and show I can treat him how he needs to be treated.

 

You go into a relationship to grow not to fall apart. If you go into it with a negative outlook, negative things will happen, regardless if you love them or not. Let this be a lesson learned in life. The ultimate hurt in any relationship is when someone leaves. Unless there was any kind of abuse of course.

[jorgeg3d]

I believe love can be regained...like attraction. When I dumped my ex I felt on top of the world...so so much power. I made a few new friends and I felt free. After several months I begain to realize that I started to miss my ex, I thought this was just from being lonely so I ignored it. Fast forward to a year after the break up, and the inability to find anyone to make me as happy as my ex did, this is where it hit. I knew at this point that I still had feelings, but the stress of the relationship covered them. I also would see my ex out having fun and it knocked down my power I thought I once had. I worked on myself once I started to see my faults in the relationship, and I tried reaching out, but I was blocked on everything. I told one of his friends if he could talk to me and he said "You had your chance for almost a year to come back, but didn't. I have moved on." This hurt...I put a lot of though on if I truly wanted him, and I did. I am now moving once again, and I hope I won't make the same mistakes. Dumpers don't feel the effects of NC until a long while, or until you moved on. If you want your ex back, move on, it's attractive. I don't know how it happens but if you want hope please move on.

 

Dumpers tend to jump to conclusions about their exe's and they don't take the time to figure out why its not working, WHILE in the relationship and not only that but figure out what part is their faults, and what part is the other persons fault as to why you're feeling that way. No relationship is perfect, and every relationship has 2 sides to every story.

 

In other words its too much work for most people, so thats why you leave. And that's why we have a society of people that feel entitled to so many things, no one wants to work for what they have, they think everything should be easy.

 

I came from a 17 year relationship. Only the last 5 years or so did I realize I had to cut ties with my ex wife. Since then, I've been single for 5 years now, I've had 1 serious relationship and that has been my observation. You get out only what you put in, in life and in relationships.

Edited January 10, 2017 by jorgeg3d

[Weathersf1]

Stop being an enabler. To extent being a doormat will make anyone lose attraction male or female. There will always be a guy who will engage with your S.O. and will treat her more aggressive than you. So in reality what your saying is she has an excuse to dump you or cheating on you. Like I said if she doesnt like the relationship she is free to walk.

 

Guy are getting the attraction stuff lost in translation. Women do not forget and if the guy was a doormat she wouldn't want to be with him. The reality is women needs simply change constantly. One minute they want to be in a relationship, one minute they want freedom, another minute they want kids and a family.

 

It is often after a breakup women will find a "nice guy" because they know that he will not pump and dump her. She will find this "nice guy" and slowly her needs will be met and her problems will be resolved and her self esteem rises.

 

Eventually, the "nice guy" is no use anymore. This will typically last for 2-3 years. Like clock work! I see it over and over again everywhere.

 

Eventually, the women wants MORE. This is brought on by social media, the guy dude in the group who push-pulls her attention, the friends who are posting up party pics.

The grass is soo much greener! "Oh i know all my boyfriends attributes, what he eats, we just play video games, or watch movies" i want something different

 

This has nothing to do with being a doormat. This is about the feeling of being trapped and thinking the world is an awesome party.

 

The break-up starts way before he knows it and the women creates an anger. His dirty clothes he leaves on the floor, the smelly breath, or the hair on his back. She starts to become attracted to the outside world or another man.

 

She will live in two worlds. One were she sleeps with you and tells you i love you and another world where you dont exist and emotionally attached to the outside influence.

 

The emotional attachment outside WILL overrule the relationship. It is the greener grass.

 

Once the breakup occurrs and the weight is lifted off her shoulders.

 

She will think she did the right thing. You will party, have fun, have sex with other people and guess what... holy ****

 

I don't get those warm huggs that i love so much. Those good night kisses. Maybe the flowers for my birthday. Wait im not actually anymore happier outside the relationship. Oh my ex treated me like a princess and i threw him to the curb.

 

Nothing has really changed on the greener side... its the same

 

The only way this event doesnt happen is if you met a guy better than your ex... its possible he is a rebound and your feelings for your ex over rules or rejects this new relationship.

 

You still work or go to school.

You self-esteem is still the same.

You still go out and eat

 

 

Guess what... you know every attribute to your friends and you know the party scene. Same ole people, same ole time. Your exactly back where u were when you dumped your ex.

 

This is were you start thinking about the ex and wondering what he is doing and missing him.

 

But only if he cuts him self out the picture.... conpletely

 

One of the smartest analysis I have read on here. You sir, are a wise man.

[whatdeww18]

I believe love can be regained...like attraction. When I dumped my ex I felt on top of the world...so so much power. I made a few new friends and I felt free. After several months I begain to realize that I started to miss my ex, I thought this was just from being lonely so I ignored it. Fast forward to a year after the break up, and the inability to find anyone to make me as happy as my ex did, this is where it hit. I knew at this point that I still had feelings, but the stress of the relationship covered them. I also would see my ex out having fun and it knocked down my power I thought I once had. I worked on myself once I started to see my faults in the relationship, and I tried reaching out, but I was blocked on everything. I told one of his friends if he could talk to me and he said "You had your chance for almost a year to come back, but didn't. I have moved on." This hurt...I put a lot of though on if I truly wanted him, and I did. I am now moving once again, and I hope I won't make the same mistakes. Dumpers don't feel the effects of NC until a long while, or until you moved on. If you want your ex back, move on, it's attractive. I don't know how it happens but if you want hope please move on.

 

Right right, I didn't mean to say that they don't happen, I'm sure they happen more than we think. I meant to say there aren't very many successful reconciliations that last because reconciliations are so complex. I've been following your threads and posts a lot and think you have really gotten a lot of research done. I really hope my dumper ex is like you at some point down the road but no fingers crossed, just healing and moving on like everyone says to do.

 

Yea, and timing really does play a large factor. I've been dumped from a 3 year relationship pretty recently but I can tell you the pining that I had for my ex even up to a month after the break up is already half gone, as I come up to my second month of healing. I think the timeline for reconciliations is crucial and is better for longer relationships because of this. The dumper feels free and lives the single life, not really thinking about the break up or feelings until after this period which can last quite a number of months. The dumped person, of course, has to deal with feelings and the break up right away. The longer the relationship, the more likely that more time is needed to move on. As such, the dumper can have the time to evaluate, go through the break up, and essentially "catch up" to where the dumpee is. Hopefully, this hasn't taken too long that the dumpee has killed off feelings and found someone new. But that's not to say short relationships can't be similar, I guess it just depends on how strong the feelings and love were in a short relationship.

 

This whole stuff is crazy. And like you, I had done research and reading since day 2 of the break up. I'm at that point where I'm burned out from doing so much reading and leaving it up to my feelings but can't help myself coming back here to continue learning. Hope you can find your answers and happiness

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited January 11, 2017 by whatdeww18

[jorgeg3d]

Right right, I didn't mean to say that they don't happen, I'm sure they happen more than we think. I meant to say there aren't very many successful reconciliations that last because reconciliations are so complex. I've been following your threads and posts a lot and think you have really gotten a lot of research done. I really hope my dumper ex is like you at some point down the road but no fingers crossed, just healing and moving on like everyone says to do.

 

Yea, and timing really does play a large factor. I've been dumped from a 3 year relationship pretty recently but I can tell you the pining that I had for my ex even up to a month after the break up is already half gone, as I come up to my second month of healing. I think the timeline for reconciliations is crucial and is better for longer relationships because of this. The dumper feels free and lives the single life, not really thinking about the break up or feelings until after this period which can last quite a number of months. The dumped person, of course, has to deal with feelings and the break up right away. The longer the relationship, the more likely that more time is needed to move on. As such, the dumper can have the time to evaluate, go through the break up, and essentially "catch up" to where the dumpee is. Hopefully, this hasn't taken too long that the dumpee has killed off feelings and found someone new. But that's not to say short relationships can't be similar, I guess it just depends on how strong the feelings and love were in a short relationship.

 

This whole stuff is crazy. And like you, I had done research and reading since day 2 of the break up. I'm at that point where I'm burned out from doing so much reading and leaving it up to my feelings but can't help myself coming back here to continue learning. Hope you can find your answers and happiness

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Reconciliations take 2 people to own their own faults and want to change it for the better. Many people only see their faults way after the relationship is over, and the window of opportunity has passed.

[abc0001]

Reconciliations take 2 people to own their own faults and want to change it for the better. Many people only see their faults way after the relationship is over, and the window of opportunity has passed.

 

It seems it's the dumpers who usually who see it too late. It all takes time, and many times reconciliation doesn't happen because the timing is off. It's very hard for both parties to have interest at the same time. I've seen a lot of cases where the dumpee has moved on and the dumper finds interest of coming back, but the dumpee has moved on. Not all dumpers will ever find interest because they were cheated on, abused, or found someone who can make them happier than their ex. Some ex couples come back, some don't. Every couple is different so you can say "Well mine didn't come back so yours won't" vice versa.

[Sweetfish]

Reconciliations take 2 people to own their own faults and want to change it for the better. Many people only see their faults way after the relationship is over, and the window of opportunity has passed.

 

If a girl or guy leaves because you have a fault... the recon is slim to none. If he or she leaves because she thought their was something better... most often the chances are much higher...

 

Why can i make this claim... because i see the same ole fish on OLD for years... same girl still looking. Thats because in reality their are not that many great guys out their and women really dont have to be great. They just have to have the IQ of a 16 year old and basic whats right or whats wrong logic and she can land a guy as long as she is willing to date average men.

 

A guy with the IQ of a 16 is a dead fish.

[fromheart]

The woman dumps man scenario that is often on these forums, is the man acting needy but otherwise respectful and always available, she dumping him for being needy and available.

 

What sometimes and hopefully follows is that the man gos strict NC, and works on himself. She then realizes that he wasn't actually the weak, needy, disposable human being she thought he was.

 

Where's all the desperate drunk texts, the flowers at the door, the signs on social media that his life is crushed because she left him? This would validate that the right choice was made, and all the loyalty and dedication that she threw away were thrown away for a good reason.

 

It doesn't come, he just walks away as any self respecting man would. She's back to the dating game, the bars crawling with men with only one thing on their minds. 'Bad boys,' who couldn't give a cr#p and looked so exciting while she was in the safety of her last relationship. She might indulge, but it makes her feel worse.

A good man, she once again realizes, is hard to find and she remembers why she fell in love with her ex.

 

Inevitably, she starts to think about him. Maybe she'll reach out to him.

 

The problem for the dumper, is that they usually haven't gone and done the intense self work the dumpee has, and are at a severe disadvantage. They assumed they were in the right, so therefore didn't need to change.

 

If the dumper has applied NC and self improvement to their break up, they've come to realize that the world is crammed full of potential partners, and there is no such thing as scarcity. They'll also realize that its often futile to take someone back who's dumped you, hasn't kept to their pace of self work and therefore will most probably either dump again, or have to be dumped as they are presently not in the best state for a relationship.

[Redhead14]

I broke up with my ex 9 months ago. I felt so relieved and happy that I got out of the relationship. I thought I lost love and he loved me a lot but I couldn't support him emotionally anymore. I felt like I was okay with him moving on and there was no chance of me coming back, but after 7 months away, I began to think and wonder how he's been doing, and remembering all of the awesome times. We were together for almost a year, like a normal relationship we would have our ups and downs, but it was still great. I realized how loved he made me feel, and I'm starting to want him back more and more everyday. I just noticed that no contact actually worked, but on me. Has anyone else been through this, you lost all feelings but regained them after a long time? I really improved myself since the break up, and thought I'd find someone new and better. I remember I told him to move on and lose all hope of me coming back...I f**ked up. Tell me if something like this happened to you, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee.

 

Have you ever thought you were done with an ex, but found interest again? -- Yeah, when I was bored and feeling a little lonesome and going through a dry dating spell and forgot why it ended: (However, I didn't try to go back to that).

 

I felt so relieved and happy that I got out of the relationship.

but I couldn't support him emotionally anymore

 

I realized how loved he made me feel -- Well, he sure wasn't doing that when it ended and likely not as much as you think right now because:

 

I felt so relieved and happy that I got out of the relationship

 

You were feeling anxious and overloaded/put upon for a fairly significant part of that relationship.

[mightycpa]

Have I developed interest in an ex again once its been lost?

 

Banging? Definitely.

 

Romantic? NEVAHHHH

[abc0001]

Have you ever thought you were done with an ex, but found interest again? -- Yeah, when I was bored and feeling a little lonesome and going through a dry dating spell and forgot why it ended: (However, I didn't try to go back to that).

 

I felt so relieved and happy that I got out of the relationship.

but I couldn't support him emotionally anymore

 

I realized how loved he made me feel -- Well, he sure wasn't doing that when it ended and likely not as much as you think right now because:

 

I felt so relieved and happy that I got out of the relationship

 

You were feeling anxious and overloaded/put upon for a fairly significant part of that relationship.

Most of our problems were caused by things outside of the relationship like family. I don't need my ex, but I prefer to have him back and really try once more. I worked on myself and recognized my faults and problems. I'm not the type to ignore past issues and pretend I don't have to deal with them, because I know if I don't, my future relationships will likely have the same problems. I feel this person's pain. Reconciliations tale the perfect timing. Most of the time they don't work simply because the timing was off. I ran a little poll and I had surprising discoveries. I posted about them. POSSIBLE reconciliations are a lot more common than we think, but things like no way to reach out (dumpee blocked the dumper on everything), dumpee moving on before dumper can heal and develops interest, dumpee finding someone new and giving up on the dumper, and many more. Men seemed more likely to have interest in going back to their ex than woman too. I will continue to keep up with these polls and ask more specific questions. But by what I have seen (and even heard by a very experienced psychotherapist) is that most (not all) exes will return to the thought of reconciliation at some point, but as I said, the factors I said turns the chance of coming back together very low. The timing is everything.