Weezy1973 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Nah. I'm not really the polyamorous type. Although I have considered just giving it a try just for the sake of the experience. I'm just all about freedom, that's all. But if you have your own boundaries for what makes a relationship monogamous, I can and will respect that. If you're all about freedom, I'm afraid you likely aren't the monogamous type. Monogamy requires boundaries. And work. It's not just go with the flow and see what happens. Perhaps an open relationship would suit you better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 If you're all about freedom, I'm afraid you likely aren't the monogamous type. Monogamy requires boundaries. And work. It's not just go with the flow and see what happens. Perhaps an open relationship would suit you better? Who says you can't have boundaries and freedom at the same time? As long as she doesn't cheat on me or not treat me like a priority, I don't see any boundaries crossed. Just make me a priority in the relationship and all is good. Wanna hang out with friends, even opposite sex ones? That's fine. Just make sure your time with them doesn't precede the time spent with me. At the end of the day, I don't control my spouse. I just don't. My spouse is her own woman who can do whatever she wants, INCLUDING leaving me if that's what it comes down to. If she meets some other guy somewhere and ends up liking him more, well, clearly it wasn't meant to be. That's why so many people who are married say they aren't with the love of their life because they eventually get their eyes on someone they feel is more compatible or has more chemistry. Doesn't matter how long you're with a partner or how much time you spend with them. Quality over quantity. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 It sounds to me as though you're posting and continually bumping this thread because you want to hear a certain answer, and you won't stop until you get it. You didn't get the answer you wanted in Quora so you're trying here instead. Then you can show it to your wife / girlfriend / husband or whatever, and say "look here's what people on the internet think, they agree with me". For what it's worth I agree entirely with Elswyth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 I'm sure its a bit late at this point, but just wanted to post this article just so you guys don't think I'm completely crazy. #6 illustrates my point pretty well... https://qz.com/884448/every-successful-relationship-is-successful-for-the-same-exact-reasons/ Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Sounds like you're trying to find a way to accept or justify this trip because you don't have the strength to stand up and say "I'm not ok with this". It must be difficult living with some one you're affraid to speak your mind to. If my wife wanted to take a vacation with another man I couldn't stop her but if she went she'd be free to do whatever she wanted afterwards as she would have papers waiting on her return and her stuff neatly packed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) It's not a situation I'm going through personally. And again I'm not saying she should go with someone if she can still go with you, I'm just saying let them be their own person with their own circle of friends is all. But to each their own. Can't change people. Most people would be uncomfortable with it or just wouldn't tolerate it period. Edited March 5, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 It's not a situation I'm going through personally. And again I'm not saying she should go with someone if she can still go with you, I'm just saying let them be their own person with their own circle of friends is all. But to each their own. Can't change people. Most people would be uncomfortable with it or just wouldn't tolerate it period. Nope, you said a two day vacation alone together which is way beyond having an opposite sex friend. You'd have to be a total spineless doormat to allow something like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Meh I can understand how the setting of being in a vacation setting plus just the 2 of you could be seen as nothing more than romantic but that's not always the case. I was gonna have a friend come visit me for a few days actually and we were gonna go a couple hours away from my city to a nicer city (Sedona if you've heard of it?). Her husband was completely fine with it and I know nothing would have happened. She's one of my best friends, and yeah that COULD definitely turn into something more, but it's always just been a platonic thing, even when she didn't have a husband. Everyone assumes that if an opportunity to cheat is there, they'll take it. Not always true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Most are not naive enough to put themselves is that type of position. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 I wouldn't call it a matter of naivety. It's all about whether or not you can trust your partner to not give into whatever temptations may arise. When it all comes down to it, everyone gets tempted to want to have fun with people they find attractive both mentally and physically. It's all about whether or not you let those temptations control you. And you're right. Most people would probably give in. But not everybody. So it's understandable why so many people wouldn't be okay with it. Ideally though if one trusts their partner enough they wouldn't let it be a problem. But yeah sadly that's very very rare. But hey, it's really not all that much different from people who do long distance relationships. In that case you pretty much have to give the utmost trust in your partner, because for all you know they could be cheating on you with one of their guy friends. I'm not exactly sure on the success rate of long distance relationships, but it's not unheard of. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I wouldn't call it a matter of naivety. It's all about whether or not you can trust your partner to not give into whatever temptations may arise. When it all comes down to it, everyone gets tempted to want to have fun with people they find attractive both mentally and physically.. No...this is highly naive. Alcohol negates morals. Alcohol taps directly into "primitive basic needs" So if your girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband is on a trip with another man and she is sexually attractive to him and they drink. Morality and Trust starts to drop dramatically.... also a females emotional drive is much stronger than a males.. so to compare what you will do under substances vs her is a poor evaluation on the situation. and I know many men who use alcohol/drugs to negate females morals. Also, you can not project your morals onto other people. You need to READ these threads and stop thinking your safe.. If she goes on a trip with an old friend for two nights and its endless talking about the good times and he is able to show her a different and or better time than you which is possible... morality and trust is out the door and now your dealing with emotional feelings that most women hold more true than whats morally right. I would not approve of this... man or women. I just don't see it as anything else other than a trust or insecurity issue. Its neither...it shows you how much she values you...that she is willing to cross such a boundary. Would she do this when you first got together or the first year you got married? Probably not. This is a clear indication she wants the freedoms of a single person...under the umbrella of being married. Let me ask you question... will you allow this next year? Think about that...? If your cool about it would, you let it happen consecutively? Your answer is there. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 I wouldn't call it a matter of naivety. Oh but it is. It really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) No...this is highly naive. Alcohol negates morals. Alcohol taps directly into "primitive basic needs" So if your girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband is on a trip with another man and she is sexually attractive to him and they drink. Morality and Trust starts to drop dramatically.... also a females emotional drive is much stronger than a males.. so to compare what you will do under substances vs her is a poor evaluation on the situation. and I know many men who use alcohol/drugs to negate females morals. Also, you can not project your morals onto other people. You need to READ these threads and stop thinking your safe.. If she goes on a trip with an old friend for two nights and its endless talking about the good times and he is able to show her a different and or better time than you which is possible... morality and trust is out the door and now your dealing with emotional feelings that most women hold more true than whats morally right. I would not approve of this... man or women. Its neither...it shows you how much she values you...that she is willing to cross such a boundary. Would she do this when you first got together or the first year you got married? Probably not. This is a clear indication she wants the freedoms of a single person...under the umbrella of being married. Let me ask you question... will you allow this next year? Think about that...? If your cool about it would, you let it happen consecutively? Your answer is there. You have a point. I don't think I would allow it to go that far if it was say the first year I was with somebody, but usually before I make someone my partner I kind of flirt with them and get to know them better on a friend level before making them my partner. So like I would be best friends with them for a while before making any labels, that is unless I know for a fact that we click and right then and there I want to make them my partner. Personally, though, I wouldn't want to officially make someone my girlfriend if I felt I couldn't trust them, though. But hey, it takes time to get to that very HIGH level of trust, so yeah maybe wouldn't be okay with it the first or even the second year. At that point I would want to get to really know her on a fundamental level on those first 2 or so years. That's when the passion is at its finest, but after a while once you get to really know that person that passion somewhat dwindles and you kind of start to settle down. Just gonna use this as an example, but when I was in college I went abroad for 3 1/2 months for a college program I was doing (Semester at Sea). There were tons of people on there that were still in a relationship and (as far as I know) they all pretty much stayed faithful. One of my best friends I made on there had a bf. I kinda sorta flirted with her (just because I had no idea she was seeing somebody) and well I was with her for most of the 3 1/2 months, and she didn't do anything with any of the other guys on there. She stayed 100% faithful along with a few other students I knew and there were tons of drinking nights/days trust me. This is the same girl that's planning to visit me in a few months. Her husband is coming but even if he couldn't make it he wouldn't have stopped her. So I mean it's not impossible. If it was impossible people wouldn't be doing long distance relationships and the what not. So I mean, just from my life experience and from what I've seen I know it's not an impossibility. But, of course that's just me. I've personally seen it first hand which is why I have the view that I do. Also just think about it this way: Why do you think people break up and divorce in the first place? Because eventually as they spend so much time together, they realize they're not meant for each other, so either they break up and never talk to each other again or they simply go back to just being friends (assuming they both mutually agree to break up). So, even if 2 friends are together and spend a good amount of personal time together doesn't always mean they're gonna end up falling for each other. Some people are just better off being friends and nothing more. Sure there's always the potential to just want to have some casual fun with the person (setting the feelings aside), but if you truly respect your partner you won't let that happen. I've seen first hand people not let temptation get the best of them, so, I know it's possible. It's not a frequent thing that people can do that :/, but it's possible. If my future partner isn't comfortable letting the relationship get to that level, I'll respect that, but ideally it would be great if it could. *shrug* Edited March 7, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 You have a point. I don't think I would allow it to go that far if it was say the first year I was with somebody, but usually before I make someone my partner I kind of flirt with them and get to know them better on a friend level before making them my partner. So like I would be best friends with them for a while before making any labels, that is unless I know for a fact that we click and right then and there I want to make them my partner. Personally, though, I wouldn't want to officially make someone my girlfriend if I felt I couldn't trust them, though. But hey, it takes time to get to that very HIGH level of trust, so yeah maybe wouldn't be okay with it the first or even the second year. At that point I would want to get to really know her on a fundamental level on those first 2 or so years. That's when the passion is at its finest, but after a while once you get to really know that person that passion somewhat dwindles and you kind of start to settle down. Just gonna use this as an example, but when I was in college I went abroad for 3 1/2 months for a college program I was doing (Semester at Sea). There were tons of people on there that were still in a relationship and (as far as I know) they all pretty much stayed faithful. One of my best friends I made on there had a bf. I kinda sorta flirted with her (just because I had no idea she was seeing somebody) and well I was with her for most of the 3 1/2 months, and she didn't do anything with any of the other guys on there. She stayed 100% faithful along with a few other students I knew and there were tons of drinking nights/days trust me. This is the same girl that's planning to visit me in a few months. Her husband is coming but even if he couldn't make it he wouldn't have stopped her. So I mean it's not impossible. If it was impossible people wouldn't be doing long distance relationships and the what not. So I mean, just from my life experience and from what I've seen I know it's not an impossibility. But, of course that's just me. I've personally seen it first hand which is why I have the view that I do. Also just think about it this way: Why do you think people break up and divorce in the first place? Because eventually as they spend so much time together, they realize they're not meant for each other, so either they break up and never talk to each other again or they simply go back to just being friends (assuming they both mutually agree to break up). So, even if 2 friends are together and spend a good amount of personal time together doesn't always mean they're gonna end up falling for each other. Some people are just better off being friends and nothing more. Sure there's always the potential to just want to have some casual fun with the person (setting the feelings aside), but if you truly respect your partner you won't let that happen. I've seen first hand people not let temptation get the best of them, so, I know it's possible. It's not a frequent thing that people can do that :/, but it's possible. If my future partner isn't comfortable letting the relationship get to that level, I'll respect that, but ideally it would be great if it could. *shrug* I think you should read the ow/om threads. You going on a trip to college and your wife going on vacation with another man is TWO different elements. You made a goood point the initial passion is gone so what stops a person from pair bonding to another later own... who is to say another cannot ignite the flame... I also find it odd that you have this friend as a girl coming down when your wife is going with a friend. I find this kind of strange... almost like keeping each other in check in a passive way... Like how two countries both have nukes... so they never cross each other lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 I think you should read the ow/om threads. You going on a trip to college and your wife going on vacation with another man is TWO different elements. You made a goood point the initial passion is gone so what stops a person from pair bonding to another later own... who is to say another cannot ignite the flame... I also find it odd that you have this friend as a girl coming down when your wife is going with a friend. I find this kind of strange... almost like keeping each other in check in a passive way... Like how two countries both have nukes... so they never cross each other lol.. What the hell are you smoking? I'm not married? Where the hell did I mention that? xD Link to post Share on other sites
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