Sometimes he just ignores my texts [UPDATE I went to see him this weekend]

[heavenonearth]

Okay, I just read all these "merged threads" and I have to say it makes it easier to see your issues having it all out here in one place.

 

The issue I see is you are trying to figure this guy out from texts, which isn't possible. There is no shortcut to assure you that this is or isn't the guy for you, because the ONLY way to know is to spend repeated face time with him and get to know him. You say he said he's introverted. That probably means socially awkward, but you say he sent you a ticket, so that's good.

 

So how is he in person? Are you attracted? Is he talkative or is he like talking to a pet rock? What I want to caution you to do since you seem to think that you together with we at Loveshack can get inside this guy's head remotely is to realize that his silence doesn't meet rivers run deep. It more likely means he's awkward and hasn't much to say. The fact he may have had a girlfriend before is encouraging, so I'm hanging onto that thread of possibility that that is true to just encourage you to stop focusing on texts in any way and just focus on getting together for face time to see what he's like.

 

If you have facetime and still feel he is a blank slate that you can make nothing of, then he probably just doesn't have enough personality for you. You should only love what he shows you, not what you want to imagine he's hiding inside.

 

 

We only spent 4 days together in person in 2 months of dating.

Those 4 days were pretty great, and we talked a lot and he was a bit more open about himself. The moment he left, he went back to being an enigma to me. He just doesn't talk about feelings at all.

His last girlfriend he broke up with 4 years ago, so he has been single for 4 years.

 

What you wrote about not having enough 'personality' for me kinda shocked me, because I had not considered that, and now I am scared that may be the

case... My last boyfriend was soo extroverted and outgoing and had a lot of personality in general... I think I liked that from the get go.

And we just fit really well in that regard, he brought out the best in me.

 

This new guy has a lot of potential, he just likes the same things as me and our humor fits 100% perfectly, we laugh together all the time.

And he is also a better age fit.

But maybe introvert is not my match? I don't know. Don't want to give up yet.

[Gaeta]

We only spent 4 days together in person in 2 months of dating.

Those 4 days were pretty great, and we talked a lot and he was a bit more open about himself. The moment he left, he went back to being an enigma to me. He just doesn't talk about feelings at all.

 

What feelings do you want him to talk about you are practically strangers to each other.

 

You spend 4 days together, that is a grant total of 96 hours that is not enough to express feelings toward you and not enough to build a trust with you to share general feelings about life.

[heavenonearth]

What feelings do you want him to talk about you are practically strangers to each other.

 

You spend 4 days together, that is a grant total of 96 hours that is not enough to express feelings toward you and not enough to build a trust with you to share general feelings about life.

 

Well, i mean in general. you can at least talk about yourself so the other person knows who she is talking to, but he is just a completely closed book.

we talk everyday and it's mostly me talking about myself.

i feel he knows more about me than i do about him

[basil67]

if he is usually into skinny girls and dated skinny girls before, why would he like me?

 

You don't think that perhaps he enjoys your company? My hubby likes an athletic body with long blonde hair. I'm curvy with edgy short red hair. We are worth more than our appearance.

 

All in all though, I have to question why you're with him. He doesn't seem to be meeting your needs. Why are you still bothering with him? Do you have limited options?

 

Don't date for someone's potential. Date for who they are now and how great the relationship is.

[Gaeta]

Well, i mean in general. you can at least talk about yourself so the other person knows who she is talking to, but he is just a completely closed book.

we talk everyday and it's mostly me talking about myself.

i feel he knows more about me than i do about him

 

You can encourage him to talk about himself when you are together. Men that are not into texting in general won't start sharing about themselves on text or online.

 

Getting to know someone happens over time. You don't know someone because you asked him 1000 questions about him. My BF rarely talks about himself. We discuss a million things together but we rarely talk about his past, his likes and dislikes. We learn about each other through spending time together. Each time we go to the movies I learn more about he likes, more we eat together I get to know what is his favorite, when we have issues at work I learn about how available he is to me to support me, I learn about how he needs time alone to process his issues. None of this about my BF I learn by chatting on text.

[heavenonearth]

You don't think that perhaps he enjoys your company? My hubby likes an athletic body with long blonde hair. I'm curvy with edgy short red hair. We are worth more than our appearance.

 

All in all though, I have to question why you're with him. He doesn't seem to be meeting your needs. Why are you still bothering with him? Do you have limited options?

 

Don't date for someone's potential. Date for who they are now and how great the relationship is.

 

I wasn't looking for a relationship.

A friend put me on Tinder one evening, and my guy was one out of many I matched

with in a matter of minutes. We exchanged a few texts, but then I went to sleep and

did not open the app for two weeks.

Two weeks later my friend asks me "What happened with that one guy you got along with?"

and I said "Oh, I haven't checked".

So, I checked, and he had written again.

Took just a day or two until we were talking on the phone.

 

We just like all the same things, regarding music, movies, art.

We both studied the same thing and work similar jobs.

We have the same aspirations for each of our lives.

We laugh together (he has a great sense of humor and he finds me funny,

which is rare, cause most people don't get my humor).

We both avoid people (kinda loners), and although I love communicating,

he is kinda more introvert in that sense. He is reluctant to talk about himself.

 

I know little about his life (only major things), but nothing about how whatever

happened in his life made him who he is today, how things affect him,

how he feels inside, why he is happy or sad, what moves him...

These are all things I am personally very open about.

He said he'd be more open with time, so I am waiting.

 

It just makes me insecure.

Sometimes I wonder if he really is interested in anything longterm.

I didn't think I was until I met him. I do like him a lot.

[heavenonearth]

You can encourage him to talk about himself when you are together. Men that are not into texting in general won't start sharing about themselves on text or online.

 

Getting to know someone happens over time. You don't know someone because you asked him 1000 questions about him. My BF rarely talks about himself. We discuss a million things together but we rarely talk about his past, his likes and dislikes. We learn about each other through spending time together. Each time we go to the movies I learn more about he likes, more we eat together I get to know what is his favorite, when we have issues at work I learn about how available he is to me to support me, I learn about how he needs time alone to process his issues. None of this about my BF I learn by chatting on text.

 

This is encouraging, thank you, Gaeta!!!

[justwhoiam]

I have been dating a guy for two months now.

How do you count when you started dating? Hopefulling not your first message exchange on Tinder.

 

We met online and live 500km apart

In what country do you both live?

 

Sometimes I write a long text and he reads it but doesn't reply.

Are you talking about some sort of acknowledgment? I'm not into that kind of thing. If I have anything to say, I'll say it. But I admit that more than once I let some message go, for different reasons. BUT if you send him love messages and he replies with I'm going to the supermarket and that's it, that's your clue something's off.

 

I still hope he just needs to warm up to "us"?

Is this your secret lingo to say he needs to adapt to you? The moment you think there's an "us": 1. make sure he's thinking the same way, and 2. start thinking that an "us" requires efforts on both sides. If you're looking for the smoothest relationship, then give up the idea of a LDR right away, no matter what the plans in your (near or distant) future are.

 

He hasn't had a girlfriend in 4 years

How did he explain that?

 

is there something other than waiting and being patient that i could do to encourage him to communicate more?

Raise his interest and involvement.

 

I just have a completely different pace at communicating online and via phone, it seems.

Well, that can have its perks. Any online cheating might be difficult with someone like your boyfriend.

 

I am moving away from my city in 6 months time, and by then I will live 1 car driving hour away from where he lives now.

[...]

In half a year I will be moving to a city 2 hours away from him.

So, which? It's confusing.

 

he just got me a voucher for christmas for 80 Euros so I can visit him (so I don't have to pay for the train fare myself). I thought that seemed 'invested'.

Wow, your fellow countrymen must be really lame if 80 euros can prove their seriousness regarding a relationship. Maybe you're right, that screams like investment in a woman. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm trying to see things in a different light. I guess the amount of money can vary depending on the guy's funds.

 

the last two days he has been texting me in the morning, about 3 times during the day and when he went to bed. I guess that is a good sign?

Did that happen upon your request? Or spontaneously without even hitting the topic?

 

Do you think it is generally worth it to enter a relationship with someone who already lives far away?

Generally, I'd think it's not worth it. But it's just a matter of statistics.

 

I just wonder how it will be for the psyche of the possible relationship. I have never done this before.

Two-hours away and one-hour away are not exactly the same thing. One-hour away shouldn't be a problem, especially if he has a car. Two-hours away might be more of a problem in practice. I mean, to sustain long-term. But nothing that can't be overcome. Obviously, it takes two to make it work. Same devotion. Same commitment. Share efforts. Shared goals.

 

I wonder if a great love would persuade him to move back?

Did you ask that yourself? Would you move for a great love?

 

I don't look like the women he usually dates. Thoughts?

Many people like trying new things, explore... how do you know what it feels like being with this type or the other if you haven't tried? It might be the same for him. You thought you didn't like pistachio ice cream, then you try it and it's the only flavor you want. Also, there comes a time when stereotypes don't do it for you anymore, and you're gladly in for some kink. And by that I don't mean that being with you means he's being kinky. Just not the ordinary, predictable guy anymore.

 

I feel my current guy also likes small boobs.

How did you come to that conclusion? I think it'd be better for you not to assume so much, it usually affects a relationship in a very bad way.

 

we haven't even declared to be in a relationship yet.

So what is it? Are you seeing each other for casual encounters? I think you should clear this up right away, to avoid any (further) disappointment.

 

if he is usually into skinny girls and dated skinny girls before, why would he like me?

Like you for what? For casual encounters, I guess looks are not so important, provided he's not grossed out. He didn't commit to you and you're having sex. He's content with that. You need to assess what way he likes you and what he hopes for... for you two (separately or together).

 

i am PMSing

Talking about too much information... Did you say that to give us a general picture of your state of mind? Or of your physical condition? Or to warn us not to mess up with you online? I'll give you something uncalled for too just out of courtesy: try to discern what information is necessary and what is not, and always remember that class is a plus for most women who have it.

 

We moved the date of my visit.

How come?

 

we talk everyday and it's mostly me talking about myself.

Why don't you ask him things to get to know him?

 

We both avoid people

I guess that's not good. And you both have steady jobs? Can you keep jobs? Are the jobs well paid?

 

I know little about his life

Did you meet any of his friends? Does he have any friends? Have you talked about meeting your respective families? I know now it's a bit early, but you're adults. He's 33 and such a talk should be on the table, even if you decide to meet them after 1 year of dating.

[heavenonearth]

How do you count when you started dating? Hopefulling not your first message exchange on Tinder.

 

I guess the day we exchanged numbers and started texting/talking on phone/skype off of the tinder app, which was 2 weeks after we met on tinder.

 

 

In what country do you both live?

 

Germany.

 

 

Are you talking about some sort of acknowledgment? I'm not into that kind of thing. If I have anything to say, I'll say it. But I admit that more than once I let some message go, for different reasons. BUT if you send him love messages and he replies with I'm going to the supermarket and that's it, that's your clue something's off.

 

I have not sent any love messages. We are not there yet. It's more what I am doing, random things, jokes, etc. He doesn't always reply. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does not. :/

 

 

Is this your secret lingo to say he needs to adapt to you? The moment you think there's an "us": 1. make sure he's thinking the same way, and 2. start thinking that an "us" requires efforts on both sides. If you're looking for the smoothest relationship, then give up the idea of a LDR right away, no matter what the plans in your (near or distant) future are.

 

No I am not saying he needs to adapt to me, I guess just to adapt to having someone in his life again.

 

 

How did he explain that?

 

He said he has not been in a relationship in 4 years. So he was single for 4 years, and is not good at sharing everyday life with someone else. He got used to being single. So I think that he was trying to explain why he is not so good at communicating, etc. He also said his last relationship was ****ty.

 

 

Well, that can have its perks. Any online cheating might be difficult with someone like your boyfriend.

We just started dating, I don't worry about cheating.

 

 

So, which? It's confusing.

2 hours with car or train once I move.

 

 

Wow, your fellow countrymen must be really lame if 80 euros can prove their seriousness regarding a relationship. Maybe you're right, that screams like investment in a woman. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm trying to see things in a different light. I guess the amount of money can vary depending on the guy's funds.

I thought it was a sweet gesture. What you wrote was a bit confusing, I don't get sarcasm well, so not sure what you meant.

 

 

Did that happen upon your request? Or spontaneously without even hitting the topic?

I did not request it per se, I just said that I am used to more communication and then he stepped up his game a week later out of nowhere.

 

 

Generally, I'd think it's not worth it. But it's just a matter of statistics.

Ok.

 

 

Two-hours away and one-hour away are not exactly the same thing. One-hour away shouldn't be a problem, especially if he has a car. Two-hours away might be more of a problem in practice. I mean, to sustain long-term. But nothing that can't be overcome. Obviously, it takes two to make it work. Same devotion. Same commitment. Share efforts. Shared goals.

Two hours it is.

 

 

Did you ask that yourself? Would you move for a great love?

I have in the past, for stupid reasons. Now I would only do it if other benefits came with it, and if I would not eff up other things in my life for it.

 

 

Many people like trying new things, explore... how do you know what it feels like being with this type or the other if you haven't tried? It might be the same for him. You thought you didn't like pistachio ice cream, then you try it and it's the only flavor you want. Also, there comes a time when stereotypes don't do it for you anymore, and you're gladly in for some kink. And by that I don't mean that being with you means he's being kinky. Just not the ordinary, predictable guy anymore.

I love pistachio ice cream, always have. Lol. But joke aside, I see what you are saying.

 

 

How did you come to that conclusion? I think it'd be better for you not to assume so much, it usually affects a relationship in a very bad way.

His last GF was very skinny, he generally likes actresses that are blonde, skinny, small boobs... So I thought he had a 'type'.

 

 

So what is it? Are you seeing each other for casual encounters? I think you should clear this up right away, to avoid any (further) disappointment.

I don't think it's only casual encounters (if that means only for 'sex'). He could get sex in the city he lives, he does not need to drive 5 hours for it.

 

Like you for what? For casual encounters, I guess looks are not so important, provided he's not grossed out. He didn't commit to you and you're having sex. He's content with that. You need to assess what way he likes you and what he hopes for... for you two (separately or together).

I don't think I am gross Actually, a lot of guys want to date me. I just am very selective. He has not committed to me in the sense of being my boyfriend, being in a relationship. But he has said that he is not dating anyone else, just me.

 

 

Talking about too much information... Did you say that to give us a general picture of your state of mind? Or of your physical condition? Or to warn us not to mess up with you online? I'll give you something uncalled for too just out of courtesy: try to discern what information is necessary and what is not, and always remember that class is a plus for most women who have it.

I don't think it is too much information to mention menstruation or PMS. It's a very natural thing every woman has every month. I mentioned it because I have endometriosis (as mentioned in another thread), and during that time of the month I experience a lot of pain, physical and mental. There is enough stigma about invisible illness as well as around women's issues. If someone is weirded out by it, that's on them, ignore it and read on. I won't filter myself because someone finds something completely natural and normal offensive. It took me 7 years to openly talk about my endometriosis because of the stigma surrounding women's health and reproductive issues, so I won't let anyone tell me it's 'too much information'. If someone can't take talking about women's periods, than it's that person's issue, not the women's who is talking about the period. Period.

 

 

How come?

Because I was about to get my menstruation (see other thread).

 

 

Why don't you ask him things to get to know him?

I do, but often he says stuff like "I am not ready to share that".

 

 

I guess that's not good. And you both have steady jobs? Can you keep jobs? Are the jobs well paid?

He makes very good money with his job, he kept it for 6 years, but he wants to change careers soon.

I am still a student. I work on the side, but don't make much money.

 

 

Did you meet any of his friends? Does he have any friends? Have you talked about meeting your respective families? I know now it's a bit early, but you're adults. He's 33 and such a talk should be on the table, even if you decide to meet them after 1 year of dating.

I have never visited him so I don't know his friends or family.

He has told his parents about me and has shown them photos of me.

We have not talked about visiting families, no. When he was here, I suggested we go out one night with my friends, but he said "I want to get to know you before I get to know your friends". Oh well.

 

 

 

 

All that being said, you may wonder why I like him.

Well, we have a lot in common and there is a special connection.

WE both were born and raised in the same area, we have same mentality, values, aspirations. Similar childhoods, both only children, both loners and quiet/introvert people, we both love animals (cats), we both like the same music, movies, artists, we both love the same books, we both love politics and both studied political science, we both have the same career aspirations, we both want to find out soulmates (both wondering if we have finally found each other now), we both have the same humor and laugh about the same things.

I seldom had this much in common with another person. I value this and want to see where this takes me/us.

[heavenonearth]

Today was another day where he barely texted. He actually asked if I wanted to skype but I couldn't because I was busy with a deadline. Now he is already asleep. He barely reacted to anything I wrote.

He also wrote he had a 'bad' day, some sort of 'melancholic paralysis'.

[justwhoiam]

I have not sent any love messages. We are not there yet. It's more what I am doing, random things, jokes, etc. He doesn't always reply. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does not. :/

Then you're looking for acknowledgement. Accept that it can be there or not. Whenever you end your message, end it with a question, like: "Did you like this joke?" Or "How did you like this joke?" Or "What do you think abou that?" or if it's something you're going to do (like going to a party), "Will you take note of that?". Then see if he willingly ignores your messages.

 

He said he has not been in a relationship in 4 years.

How did he explain that? Was it a personal choice of being single? Bad luck with girls? What?

 

I thought it was a sweet gesture.

A sweet gesture. Not necessarily announcing any commitment.

 

He could get sex in the city he lives, he does not need to drive 5 hours for it.

It depends. Maybe having you far away is reassuring. Someone near might get demanding. See what I mean?

 

He has not committed to me in the sense of being my boyfriend, being in a relationship. But he has said that he is not dating anyone else, just me.

Dating one girl doesn't necessarily mean commitment. Maybe for him it's enough work. Dating multiple girls at the same time is not for everybody.

 

I don't think it is too much information to mention menstruation or PMS. It's a very natural thing every woman has every month

Defecating is a natural thing too, do you feel like sharing your excreting habits with us? Fine with me, if it has anything to do with your LDR. Otherwise, maybe the topic pertains to some other forum.

 

I mentioned it because I have endometriosis (as mentioned in another thread), and during that time of the month I experience a lot of pain, physical and mental

Now it's clearer. Your endometriosis exacerbates your pessimism.

 

There is enough stigma about invisible illness as well as around women's issues

This has nothing to do with any stigma, just with keeping on topic.

 

If someone is weirded out by it, that's on them, ignore it and read on

I gave you some advice, as a reader in a public forum, and as a woman. If you don't like it, ignore it and read on.

 

I won't filter myself because someone finds something completely natural and normal offensive

How did the concept of offence enter this thread? Are you paranoid?

 

It took me 7 years to openly talk about my endometriosis

I don't know the story of your life. But the fact you had problems with your endometriosis doesn't mean that you have to drop the topic in every conversation. Accept that people might simply not be interested. Just see some doctor about it and cure it. It's clearly affecting your mind.

 

Because I was about to get my menstruation

I think he should see how you deal with your health issues, because that would clearly affect the relationship. It already does.

 

you may wonder why I like him.

No.

[heavenonearth]

I am so confused. Today he texted me that it's better if I don't visit him. he does not have the butterflies, says he is not in love, and that he doesn't know what he is supposed to feel.

he says he thinks i am way ahead with 'us' and that he can't see us together longterm. that he has not been in love in 13 years and that he doesnt know what it feels like anymore. he says he really did not love his last girlfriend who he was with for 3 years (they broke up 4 years ago). He says he knew after 3 months that he did not love her but stayed with her because he thought it would 'eventually come'.

Ever since he has not even really dated.

He says that he likes me a lot, that he finds me attractive and interesting, that he likes being close to me and that he enjoys our conversations and sharing thoughts. But he isn't sure if he will develop feelings of love.

 

I wrote back:

You are hitting the emergency break after 4 consecutive days of visiting me? That's ALL the time we had together.

Yeah, I am not in love either. I did not expect to be in love at this point. I like you, I find you interesting, and I had hoped to find out more about my feelings for you this coming weekend.

 

He wrote back that he had no idea, he thought i had already been much further and he was scared that i would come see him wanting a relationship.

 

ok, so i told him that i am not looking for casual sex.

he says he isn't either. he says he may have acted to quickly. he said he still wants me to come and see where it goes. that perhaps he will feel more after this weekend and we can reassess the situation afterwards.

 

i don't know. i find him to be pretty blunt and honest.

to me, it looks like we are in the same boat to begin with, just that he's overthinking things and a bit unaware of what he is supposed to feel due to his inexperience.

 

i have had relationships in the past where i was in love after two weeks. my ex and me had it like that. i knew this was different now, and that i probably would not fall in love quickly or the same intensity as with my ex.

but i thought we had enough in common to give it a try, it was too good to pass by. so i am not so sure anymore now.

 

i dont know if, us meeting this weekend, will be better now that we had that conversation or if it will cloud the experience.

honestly, i had expected he was already head over heels for me, because he recently wrote that i was the best thing that happened to him in 2016 and that i could not possibly believe how happy that makes him.

he says that that is still true. he thinks he is too old fashioned or romantic and wonders if this can't be 'it' because he doesnt feel in love yet.

 

again, we been texting for two months and we met only once for 4 days after one month of texting/skyping.

 

i am weirded out by this but i still kinda wanna go see him and see if we have a good time. is that weird?

 

Anyone experienced something similar and had it end up working out?

or is this just wishful thinking?

 

i wasnt even really looking for a relationship, i would not be heartbroken if it doesnt work out.

but i feel it's stupid to already hit the emergency break after just 1 meeting?

 

is he being naive, or am i?

[heavenonearth]

So, now I went to see him this weekend and we had a really great time together. WE spent a lot of time opening up to each other, telling stories, cooking together, watching movies, taking walk, eating out, playing games, and being intimate with each other. Last night he even cried in my arms after I told him I like him a lot. He said that he had not heard that in a long time.

He even suggested we meet again in a few weeks and he wants to pay for my trip. Is it possible he has now fallen for me?

I felt really close to him this visit. I felt we gotten much closer and he's been really sweet to me. He always looked at me with big eyes, like he admired me.

But because of what he wrote last week I am still cautious.

We also did not have any talk about being together as a couple.

He made all these jokes about how we were like a couple when we did certain things. It seems to me he is unsure about what he wants. Or maybe he's just still slow? I don't know. It bugs me.

Edited January 16, 2017 by heavenonearth

[Gaeta]

Of course he is unsure of what he wants and you will scare him off if you ask him 'what this is'.

 

Honestly, with everything he said, I would not pursue this. You just risk being the next woman he spends the next 3 years with without ever loving her.

 

His admission that past 3 months dating he knew he was not in love and carried on for 3 years knowing he was not in love, is pretty scary. He has no scruples misleading women just to not be alone.

[heavenonearth]

Of course he is unsure of what he wants and you will scare him off if you ask him 'what this is'.

 

Honestly, with everything he said, I would not pursue this. You just risk being the next woman he spends the next 3 years with without ever loving her.

 

His admission that past 3 months dating he knew he was not in love and carried on for 3 years knowing he was not in love, is pretty scary. He has no scruples misleading women just to not be alone.

 

Well, he did say before this weekend he would not want to make the same mistake again. But then he said that he wanted to see where it goes, he did not want to miss out on something great.

So I still went, and this weekend really felt so good. We got really much closer. I have to admit that I felt something this weekend that I did not feel the last time we spent together. Maybe he felt it too? Why would he have cried?

I don't know... He said he really wanted to see me again, he said he'd pay for the trip, he said he would not want me to see other people and that he really likes me a lot. I don't know... I don't know what to do now.

I guess I just don't initiate any contact and focus on what I have to do the coming two weeks, and see if he brings up seeing each other again...

 

Last night he texted that everything at his house "still smells like me and it's wonderful." He later texted me goodnight kisses.

 

So far no text from him today.

Edited January 17, 2017 by heavenonearth

[ExpatInItaly]

This sounds like it's going to be an awful lot of work...for you.

 

You can see what the next couple of weeks brings, but I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of on-off with this guy, not knowing where you stand, him coming closer and then pulling away.

 

Only you can decide how much of that you can tolerate.

[BaileyB]

It does seem like a lot of work.

 

And, I'd be very concerned about the fact that he doesn't really seem to know what he wants/how he feels. It always feels good when you are together, it will be interesting to see if his doubts come back after some time and distance...

 

Don't do the push/pull thing... It is a waste of time and energy. If he is really interested and ready for a relationship, you will know it.

[heavenonearth]

Thanks guys, I decided now to stop putting work and effort into it.

 

He was really sweet this weekend and there were several instances where it seemed he was even more into me than I was into him.

But as long as he won't put a label on it, I guess I should just stop pretending like there is something between us....

Gosh, I really like him, this sucks. Never met someone who I have soooo much in common with!

[heavenonearth]

So, what do you do when this is the case?

 

I know it makes me feel helpless.

Here are the indicators:

 

1. He hates his job. He loses sleep at night over this, when we are together and when he is alone. He clearly is really stressed out at work. He once mentioned his boss telling him he is 'overpaid and underqualified'. He wants to change careers but hasn't had any luck when applying for other jobs, which probably depressed him even more.

 

2. He is seeing a therapist to discuss events from his childhood and how they influenced him throughout his life, and how this still has an effect on him now. Things he pushed under the rug for most of his life, which he is now finally confronting. I think this is great, but as someone who is in therapy myself, I know that when stuff comes out at these meetings, it can really pull us down in cases of extreme self-awareness.

 

3. He hasn't been in a relationship for 4 years, he has few close friends, he works a lot and spends most of his time by himself - is a loner.

When we met, I was the first girl he had slept with in A YEAR!

When we are together, we are so happy.

But when we are not together he texts me that he slept badly, that he feels down, etc. Whenever I ask why, he says "I don't know." !!!!!

 

We only have been dating for 2,5 months and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I really like him a lot and I have told him so. When I did, he started to cry and was really emotional, saying that 'he had not heard that in a really long time'. When we spend time together, he is usually super happy, and he tells me that everything is better with me, that he likes me 'so much'. But when we are not together it's always this sadness and it's always this "I don't know why".... He also insists often that the sadness is just 'temporary' and will pass.

 

Thoughts?

[LoveFiend]

Sounds like he is using the relationship as emotional first aid to help with depression and escape from the stresses of life and work. I was in this boat before in previous relationships and from my past experiences in life this really is not a healthy way to cope with life and it is unfair to the partner.

 

My greatest advice I can give is something I learned from studying Buddhism which is that no one should be dependent on someone else to create their own happiness. Relationships are healthier when both parties are not emotionally dependent on each other. Otherwise it can be suffocating for the other person and it unfair to them.

 

Instead of using the relationship to escape from his problems, his stresses in life, his depression, etc ... he should instead tackle his problems head on by going to therapy and learning how to deal with his problems on his own. He needs to learn to be self-reliant, not being dependent on anyone to solve his own problems or escape from his problems in life. He needs to learn to solve his problems independently on his own.

 

I have been in this boat before, Buddhism taught me lot how to have more healthier relationships. Therapy will help him, more important using the lessons he learned in therapy to learn to be emotionally independent of others and to solve his own problems on his own.

[Gaeta]

We only have been dating for 2,5 months and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I really like him a lot and I have told him so. When I did, he started to cry and was really emotional, saying that 'he had not heard that in a really long time'. When we spend time together, he is usually super happy, and he tells me that everything is better with me, that he likes me 'so much'. But when we are not together it's always this sadness and it's always this "I don't know why".... He also insists often that the sadness is just 'temporary' and will pass.

 

He is using you as an emotional crutch. The fact he cried when you simply told him you liked him indicates he is probably not medicated and he should be seeing a doctor.

 

People that are depressed often say they want to change certain things in their life but will not take concrete actions toward it. The task is often too big for them because of their mental state, if he were medicated it would clear his head and give him more strength to job search.

 

I personally would not pursue this. He is not in a good place to enter a relationship and soon you'll find yourself filling the role of nurse, shrink and priest.

[heavenonearth]

Sounds like he is using the relationship as emotional first aid to help with depression and escape from the stresses of life and work. I was in this boat before in previous relationships and from my past experiences in life this really is not a healthy way to cope with life and it is unfair to the partner.

 

My greatest advice I can give is something I learned from studying Buddhism which is that no one should be dependent on someone else to create their own happiness. Relationships are healthier when both parties are not emotionally dependent on each other. Otherwise it can be suffocating for the other person and it unfair to them.

 

Instead of using the relationship to escape from his problems, his stresses in life, his depression, etc ... he should instead tackle his problems head on by going to therapy and learning how to deal with his problems on his own. He needs to learn to be self-reliant, not being dependent on anyone to solve his own problems or escape from his problems in life. He needs to learn to solve his problems independently on his own.

 

I have been in this boat before, Buddhism taught me lot how to have more healthier relationships. Therapy will help him, more important using the lessons he learned in therapy to learn to be emotionally independent of others and to solve his own problems on his own.

 

 

The thing is, he is not putting any of this problems on me at all. He is very committed to figuring out whatever it is that he is going through. He is a very emotional, sensitive person, but not one to put his problems on other people or people close to him. So if anything he is trying to appear stronger than he actually is, but I can see more and more that he is failing at it, and he has been very open about his problems with work and his childhood, without going into detail, of course.

[heavenonearth]

He is using you as an emotional crutch. The fact he cried when you simply told him you liked him indicates he is probably not medicated and he should be seeing a doctor.

 

People that are depressed often say they want to change certain things in their life but will not take concrete actions toward it. The task is often too big for them because of their mental state, if he were medicated it would clear his head and give him more strength to job search.

 

I personally would not pursue this. He is not in a good place to enter a relationship and soon you'll find yourself filling the role of nurse, shrink and priest.

 

Well, I don't think medication is for everyone. The therapy is already helping him see things more clear, he said. He has an appointment in two weeks with a career counselor. He is very proactive.

I was on antidepressants for a year for anxiety and I know it turned me into a horrible emotionless person and it made me unhappier than I was before. I don't think i have ever met anyone who said that antidepressants made them better. We don't live in America, btw, healthcare here is really good and the therapy seems to really help him already.

Not sure why people think medication is the only way out - it should be a last resort. It's not like he is suicidal.

 

I am afraid to be an emotional crutch at times, but the fact that he has chosen to be alone for 4 years and the fact he had not been intimate with anyone for a year before we met, tells me that he must actually like me and that he thinks he is ready for a relationship.

 

He also said that I am the best thing that happened to him in 2016

[Gaeta]

Hon: I have looked at your history. You have been dating this guy for a couple of months only. He is long distance. You've had issues with him since day one about ignoring your communication, then you learn he mislead a woman in a relationship for 3 years when he knew he didn't love her, now this?

 

Dating is not suppose to be difficult. It's suppose to be fun, fulfilling, exciting, and it's suppose to unfold naturally.

 

Why do you make it difficult for you for a man you hardly know? There is no future for you here.

 

You need to break this and find yourself a local man that will enhance your life, not make it difficult and frustrating.

[heavenonearth]

Hon: I have looked at your history. You have been dating this guy for a couple of months only. He is long distance. You've had issues with him since day one about ignoring your communication, then you learn he mislead a woman in a relationship for 3 years when he knew he didn't love her, now this?

 

Dating is not suppose to be difficult. It's suppose to be fun, fulfilling, exciting, and it's suppose to unfold naturally.

 

Why do you make it difficult for you for a man you hardly know? There is no future for you here.

 

You need to break this and find yourself a local man that will enhance your life, not make it difficult and frustrating.

 

Well, if I 'find myself a local man', then he will not be local anymore in 5 months, as I will be moving away.

 

I know I hardly know this guy but I never met someone who I have so much in common with. I really enjoy the time we spend together and I have not been this happy in a really long time, if ever. When we are together, it just feels right.

We have communicated a lot the past days and he's been open about what is going through his head but he still has little explanation for it. He specifically has voiced that I am not an emotional crutch, that he wouldn't have started seeing me if he wasn't ready for a new relationship. That gave me some peace.

 

I was thinking, if he was to use me as an emotional crutch, he'd have done with with other people in the past, no? But the last 4 years he hasn't been with anyone, he's been alone.

 

I should add that he just moved back to his hometown a year ago and that he has been working a lot and not have had much of a social life there, so is also missing his friends from where he lived prior to his move.

But he actually just canceled a concert he was going to go to in his old city with his friends, so I can come visit him. He always says he misses his friends a lot, but now he made me a priority, isn't that a good thing?