Sometimes he just ignores my texts [UPDATE I went to see him this weekend]

[heavenonearth]

 

Oh, sorry. I missed that. Glad to hear. Did he explain why he went MIA?

 

I think in the beginning of us dating he just was a bit closed off, because he's not been interested in someone the way he is interested in me for about 9 years, he said, and he was just single for the past 4 years. So he wasn't sure how to communicate with someone he liked. And he is generally a shy, introverted person.

[Standard-Fare]

In a coldly practical sense, a lot this does depend on how important marriage/children are to your own personal life goals. If they aren't, then just relax and see how this relationship progresses (and ignore the below).

 

BUT if you know for sure that you want these things, and acknowledge the inevitable limits of the timeline, you should only proceed further if you can at least IMAGINE a future with the two of you living in the same location. However vague and hopeful those imaginings are.

 

On the other hand, if you've already established for certain that this wouldn't be remotely possible within the next ~four years, this relationship may not be worth investing in.

 

Of course these are very loaded, not-fun questions to consider at the start of a relationship when you're just getting to know each other. They aren't even appropriate as conversation topics at this point. But unfortunately it's something you've got to have at the back of your mind.

[heavenonearth]

In a coldly practical sense, a lot this does depend on how important marriage/children are to your own personal life goals. If they aren't, then just relax and see how this relationship progresses (and ignore the below).

 

BUT if you know for sure that you want these things, and acknowledge the inevitable limits of the timeline, you should only proceed further if you can at least IMAGINE a future with the two of you living in the same location. However vague and hopeful those imaginings are.

 

On the other hand, if you've already established for certain that this wouldn't be remotely possible within the next ~four years, this relationship may not be worth investing in.

 

Of course these are very loaded, not-fun questions to consider at the start of a relationship when you're just getting to know each other. They aren't even appropriate as conversation topics at this point. But unfortunately it's something you've got to have at the back of your mind.

 

 

I am confused why these threads were merged, they had different topics all together, and it's confusing to see the posts in one thread now. I doubt I will get the responses I am seeking now. Thanks for that, first off to whomever did that.

 

Secondly, Well, I should add that my guy just one year ago moved away from the city I will be moving to (which happens to be my home city). So chances that he will move back... I don't know if they are high, because he said he 'never really warmed up to it', and he likes his home city, where he now lives again, much better. He lived in my home city for 4 years.

But I wonder if a great love would persuade him to move back? I don't know.

These are things I do worry about, indeed, but it's hard to make any assumptions this early, for sure.

[Mrin]

Well, this year I will be 30, he will be 34. If marriage and kids are going to be a topic, it won't be for another 3-5 years in our relationship, I think, since we just started dating a few months ago.

 

But I definitely think that within the next 3-5 years we'd be talking about a way of living closer together, if things work out. He *seems* to be that kind of person, who'd think about that when the time comes. Of course, this is not an issue as of right now, because neither of us is thinking about kids (or marriage, I am not even sure I want that).

 

Ya this is threadmerge gone bad.

 

But to give you some more advice in light of what you said...

 

The keys to my LDR are:

 

1. Communication: It needs to be a priority for both of you. Sometimes it is a pain and you don't want to but you have to do the work. You have to make time for meaningful communication. Whether it is a phone call, a skype date, a constant text message convo... it has to be something. And it has to be meaningful. Not just the stuff-ness of "how was your day?" I've fallen out of the habit of doing this but I used to write letters/poems/stories to my soulmate at night for her to read when she woke up in the morning. I need to restart that.

 

2. Trust: Trust has to be rock solid. Like granite solid. Unbreakable. Because he will be going out with friends and some of them may be women. And vice versa. So how do you have this type of trust in a new relationship? For us I make a conscious decision that I would trust her implicitly. I just would. And she did the same for me. Another thing we did was very early discuss our level of commitment. It wasn't a "we'll be together forever" type thing. It was way too early for that. What we did was promise that if either of us became interested in someone else we'd let the other know right away. Before anything happened. In this manner, until I get that phone call from her, I have 100% trust. We also maintain a joint calendar for non-work related activities. She can see what i am doing and I can see what she's doing. This avoids the "where the F is she?!?!" because I can see she's having happy hour with two of her girlfriends.

3. Compatible Life Stages: We've already discussed this.

 

4. Schedule: We always have "next time" scheduled. We actually have a cadence down so it is really easy to see when our "next time" is.

 

I'd add a fifth for you - we have a clear path to being together. Sure, it is 7 years from now (when my youngest goes to college) but we have it. And we'll begin working towards it soon by buying property in Costa Rica in the next couple of years. We also see each other 50% of the time and soon to be more so this is a workable situation for us. For you guys, you just need to know that there is a clear path to being together at some point. It may not matter now but a year or two into a LDR you will want to make sure you have that path defined and that you're both on board with it.

 

I won't lie, LDR's are work. But they can be pretty incredible too.

[Ronnys93]

Ya this is threadmerge gone bad.

 

But to give you some more advice in light of what you said...

 

The keys to my LDR are:

 

1. Communication: It needs to be a priority for both of you. Sometimes it is a pain and you don't want to but you have to do the work. You have to make time for meaningful communication. Whether it is a phone call, a skype date, a constant text message convo... it has to be something. And it has to be meaningful. Not just the stuff-ness of "how was your day?" I've fallen out of the habit of doing this but I used to write letters/poems/stories to my soulmate at night for her to read when she woke up in the morning. I need to restart that.

 

2. Trust: Trust has to be rock solid. Like granite solid. Unbreakable. Because he will be going out with friends and some of them may be women. And vice versa. So how do you have this type of trust in a new relationship? For us I make a conscious decision that I would trust her implicitly. I just would. And she did the same for me. Another thing we did was very early discuss our level of commitment. It wasn't a "we'll be together forever" type thing. It was way too early for that. What we did was promise that if either of us became interested in someone else we'd let the other know right away. Before anything happened. In this manner, until I get that phone call from her, I have 100% trust. We also maintain a joint calendar for non-work related activities. She can see what i am doing and I can see what she's doing. This avoids the "where the F is she?!?!" because I can see she's having happy hour with two of her girlfriends.

3. Compatible Life Stages: We've already discussed this.

 

4. Schedule: We always have "next time" scheduled. We actually have a cadence down so it is really easy to see when our "next time" is.

 

I'd add a fifth for you - we have a clear path to being together. Sure, it is 7 years from now (when my youngest goes to college) but we have it. And we'll begin working towards it soon by buying property in Costa Rica in the next couple of years. We also see each other 50% of the time and soon to be more so this is a workable situation for us. For you guys, you just need to know that there is a clear path to being together at some point. It may not matter now but a year or two into a LDR you will want to make sure you have that path defined and that you're both on board with it.

 

I won't lie, LDR's are work. But they can be pretty incredible too.

 

Mrin, I gotta say, your situation really gives me hope for MY situation. I think that you really gave great advice here. I see a lot of people talking about how it just isn't worth it, but sometimes I feel like we're so easy to move on from being hurt that we don't put the effort in. Being close distance to someone in a relationship significantly improves the chances of being more intimate and working out, but we all know that isn't the case for everyone. I wish there were more posts like these on here sometimes. It's such a drastic breath of fresh air. Thank you so much!

[Mrin]

Mrin, I gotta say, your situation really gives me hope for MY situation. I think that you really gave great advice here. I see a lot of people talking about how it just isn't worth it, but sometimes I feel like we're so easy to move on from being hurt that we don't put the effort in. Being close distance to someone in a relationship significantly improves the chances of being more intimate and working out, but we all know that isn't the case for everyone. I wish there were more posts like these on here sometimes. It's such a drastic breath of fresh air. Thank you so much!

 

My pleasure dude. LDR's can work. In fact they can be pretty fantastic if it is a great match and both people put in the work to make it fantastic. I never take my soulmate for granted. I feel like I need to earn her love each and every day. It makes me be a better man. A better relationship partner.

 

Honestly, as ideally suited as we are, I am not entirely sure we'd be the couple we are if we lived in the same city when we first met. A lot of the communication, trust and frankly, conflict resolution techniques we've created would simply not be there if we lived close to each other. Now, whether we are together or apart, we can clean up a five alarm relationship fire in minutes.

[Standard-Fare]

Secondly, Well, I should add that my guy just one year ago moved away from the city I will be moving to (which happens to be my home city). So chances that he will move back... I don't know if they are high, because he said he 'never really warmed up to it', and he likes his home city, where he now lives again, much better. He lived in my home city for 4 years.

But I wonder if a great love would persuade him to move back? I don't know.

These are things I do worry about, indeed, but it's hard to make any assumptions this early, for sure.

 

Okay. From my (admittedly very limited) perspective, it sounds like this situation is "viable" enough to pursue things further with him if you're truly feeling that positive vibe. Yes, future decisions may be complicated, and yes, it's too early to address those now, but it doesn't seem like it's flat-out IMPOSSIBLE that the two of you could maybe live in the same location someday if the relationship proved to warrant that.

 

And the three-hour distance you'll soon be dealing with, though obviously not ideal, is workable. That's a relatively easy car trip or train/bus ride. Seeing each other every or most weekends would be doable without ruining your lives.

 

I say go for it!

[heavenonearth]

I realize that the ex-girlfriends of the guy I am dating are skinny and blonde. When we talk about movies or so, he also mentioned some skinny and blonde actresses that he likes. It's weird, because I am a bit curvy with brown hair and brown eyes. I am the opposite of what he is usually going for.

 

I am really confused. I notice that I tend to date guys who are the same type, and even all my exes date girls before and after me who looked similar to me.

 

In the two months we have been dating, he hasn't really made any remarks about my looks. This is making me a bit insecure, because I don't look like the women he usually dates. Thoughts?

[mikeylo]

It's not always about looks. It's the personality of a woman that keeps a guy. It's likely that his ' type' has changed ? I wouldn't bother.

[stillafool]

I realize that the ex-girlfriends of the guy I am dating are skinny and blonde. When we talk about movies or so, he also mentioned some skinny and blonde actresses that he likes. It's weird, because I am a bit curvy with brown hair and brown eyes. I am the opposite of what he is usually going for.

 

I am really confused. I notice that I tend to date guys who are the same type, and even all my exes date girls before and after me who looked similar to me.

 

In the two months we have been dating, he hasn't really made any remarks about my looks. This is making me a bit insecure, because I don't look like the women he usually dates. Thoughts?

 

Do you know the women he usually dates???? I know when I was dating and it was over I would be pissed when the ex dated someone similar in looks as me. I didn't want to look or be similar to anyone else they met but I notice most women expect this or consider it a compliment. Maybe he is dated skinny blondes and then he met a beautiful brunette he couldn't resist (you). So I wouldn't worry about it because he's with you because that's where he wants to be.

[Gaeta]

All of my life I had relationships and dated white men (I am white).

 

I am currently in a relationship with a black man.

 

If life worked the way you think than my BF should torture himself right now because all of my past BF were white? and because of this I am not as attracted to him as the men in my past?

 

See how ridiculous your thinking is?

 

Maybe your boyfriend discovered a tiny little curvy brunette (you) and he loves it so much he won't ever date a skinny blond again.

[kendahke]

I realize that the ex-girlfriends of the guy I am dating are skinny and blonde. When we talk about movies or so, he also mentioned some skinny and blonde actresses that he likes. It's weird, because I am a bit curvy with brown hair and brown eyes. I am the opposite of what he is usually going for.

 

I am really confused. I notice that I tend to date guys who are the same type, and even all my exes date girls before and after me who looked similar to me.

 

In the two months we have been dating, he hasn't really made any remarks about my looks. This is making me a bit insecure, because I don't look like the women he usually dates. Thoughts?

 

Stop dwelling on looks.

 

How does he treat you? That is what you need to focus on.

 

Base your insecurity on how you're letting him treat you and what you get in exchange for allowing that to happen, not who he is no longer dating.

[No_Go]

It is annoying when your bf has a different 'type'. E.g. my first bf told he likes big women with curves and I was super skinny back then. My 2nd bf liked straight hair and always commented to straighten mine (naturally wavy and very thick so straightening doesn't do it for me). My last bf liked athletic blondes and I'm a brunette and not into sports.

 

However - I think they still liked something about my looks and that's why they chose me. E.g. second bf with always compliment me on my body, 3rd body - on my skin and teeth etc.

 

I personally don't have a specific type, and even if I form one (haha, usually like the last guy that I dated), it gets replaced easily if I get into someone else. His looks become my current 'type'.

 

Your bf can be like me or just something about you attracted him to 'unusual' type for him. I'd not worry unless he gives you a reason to.

 

 

I realize that the ex-girlfriends of the guy I am dating are skinny and blonde. When we talk about movies or so, he also mentioned some skinny and blonde actresses that he likes. It's weird, because I am a bit curvy with brown hair and brown eyes. I am the opposite of what he is usually going for.

 

I am really confused. I notice that I tend to date guys who are the same type, and even all my exes date girls before and after me who looked similar to me.

 

In the two months we have been dating, he hasn't really made any remarks about my looks. This is making me a bit insecure, because I don't look like the women he usually dates. Thoughts?

[bachdude]

My guess is since he pursued a relationship with you, he must have felt some chemistry there or why would he have bothered?

 

 

But I think this thread illustrates how important it is for guys to compliment their SOs on their looks, especially when they go to the trouble to get all dolled up.

 

 

Just look them in the eyes for a moment and say, "You are stunning". And give them a kiss.

 

 

It's so simple but many guys are so clueless.

[heavenonearth]

Yeah, you guys, I mean, I am not shallow, I am not focused on looks.

However, it is difficult to control how you feel about certain stuff.

And well, I do feel it's weird that he went for me, if I am not even his type.

Like, at all.

 

 

 

 

I personally don't have a specific type, and even if I form one (haha, usually like the last guy that I dated), it gets replaced easily if I get into someone else. His looks become my current 'type'.

 

Thinking of it, yes, I think I also fall into the category of people who are like that. Funny.

[IfonlyIknew]

I've observed plenty of my own and others patterns with types, and then there is always a shift change somewhere, you're probably that. Something drew him into you.

[heavenonearth]

You know how some guys like small boobs?

I recently dated a guy for a short time who liked small boobs and just didnt like mine (I am a C/D cup) and I feel my current guy also likes small boobs.

 

I never thought I'd be insecure about my big boobs.

[kendahke]

Yeah, you guys, I mean, I am not shallow, I am not focused on looks.

However, it is difficult to control how you feel about certain stuff.

And well, I do feel it's weird that he went for me, if I am not even his type.

Like, at all.Thinking of it, yes, I think I also fall into the category of people who are like that. Funny.

 

How does he treat you?

[heavenonearth]

How does he treat you?

 

 

we have only been dating for 2 months and he is really shy.

he's nice to me but he is not very vocal about how he feels about me, he has said a few nice things though.

 

he's real slow. we haven't even declared to be in a relationship yet.

[Gaeta]

A 'type' changes all the time.

 

I remember being into body builders, then I remember being into intellectual types, then I remember being into the bad boy looks and followed by the clean cut types.

 

This fear you have comes from your insecurities. Huge insecurities.

[heavenonearth]

A 'type' changes all the time.

 

I remember being into body builders, then I remember being into intellectual types, then I remember being into the bad boy looks and followed by the clean cut types.

 

This fear you have comes from your insecurities. Huge insecurities.

 

well, duh, of course.

i am insecure about my body, i think i am too fat and it's not a desirable body.

if he is usually into skinny girls and dated skinny girls before, why would he like me?

i am not pretending that i am not insecure.

actually, today is just an especially bad day, i am PMSing and i feel all my negative thoughts are taking over.

[Gaeta]

well, duh, of course.

i am insecure about my body, i think i am too fat and it's not a desirable body.

if he is usually into skinny girls and dated skinny girls before, why would he like me?

i am not pretending that i am not insecure.

actually, today is just an especially bad day, i am PMSing and i feel all my negative thoughts are taking over.

 

Sexiness isn't the number on a scale, it's in your confidence and your attitude about yourself. It's loving your body for what it is and working all of what you've got.

 

I am short brunette, curvy and on top of that I am not so young anymore but I believe so much in myself and in my value that no skinny little blond in my BF's past will make me second guess myself.

 

Let your boyfriend decide what he finds sexy. I spent time and money on so many sexy lingerie to appear sexy in front of my BF when all this time he preferred to see me in my old boxer pants with monkeys on them. So, don't decide for your boyfriend what is sexy.

[Gaeta]

Are you visiting him today as planned?

[heavenonearth]

Are you visiting him today as planned?

 

No, I am seeing him next week. We moved the date of my visit.

 

Sexiness isn't the number on a scale, it's in your confidence and your attitude about yourself. It's loving your body for what it is and working all of what you've got.

 

I am short brunette, curvy and on top of that I am not so young anymore but I believe so much in myself and in my value that no skinny little blond in my BF's past will make me second guess myself.

 

Let your boyfriend decide what he finds sexy. I spent time and money on so many sexy lingerie to appear sexy in front of my BF when all this time he preferred to see me in my old boxer pants with monkeys on them. So, don't decide for your boyfriend what is sexy.

 

I feel sexy sometimes. We we were in bed together (those 4 times in the 4 days that we spend time together), I felt sexy, but the lights were dim or i turned them off completely, because i was a bit insecure about some parts of my body where I am not toned (belly, thighs).

But the problem is more with the fact that i feel he has a preference.

And also the fact that my body has changed alot in the past year (I gained 18 kg from medication, now lost 6, but still, 12 kg too much from what i used to be).

I am trying to work on my self esteem by also doing more fitness (i do eat very healthy).

Edited January 6, 2017 by heavenonearth

[preraph]

Okay, I just read all these "merged threads" and I have to say it makes it easier to see your issues having it all out here in one place.

 

The issue I see is you are trying to figure this guy out from texts, which isn't possible. There is no shortcut to assure you that this is or isn't the guy for you, because the ONLY way to know is to spend repeated face time with him and get to know him. You say he said he's introverted. That probably means socially awkward, but you say he sent you a ticket, so that's good.

 

So how is he in person? Are you attracted? Is he talkative or is he like talking to a pet rock? What I want to caution you to do since you seem to think that you together with we at Loveshack can get inside this guy's head remotely is to realize that his silence doesn't meet rivers run deep. It more likely means he's awkward and hasn't much to say. The fact he may have had a girlfriend before is encouraging, so I'm hanging onto that thread of possibility that that is true to just encourage you to stop focusing on texts in any way and just focus on getting together for face time to see what he's like.

 

If you have facetime and still feel he is a blank slate that you can make nothing of, then he probably just doesn't have enough personality for you. You should only love what he shows you, not what you want to imagine he's hiding inside.