Poppy47 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I think we both need to take these difficult days one step at a time and remember in the long run things will get easier and better. I haven't had one day yet when I haven't thought about him, but I had got to the stage when I could think of him briefly and move on. I should hate him (still miss aspect of him and the A - terrible thing to confess). I look forward to the day for both of us, when we have continuous days of just not even thinking of our XAP. When the A just becomes part of our history, which stirs no strong feelings. I feel this is probably optimistic and unrealistic, but aiming high, failing badly! If you are aiming for anything, then you are a long way in front of somebody who isn't aiming anywhere. NC is difficult for sure. You just have to keep at it. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FlemishSwanSong Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 If you are aiming for anything, then you are a long way in front of somebody who isn't aiming anywhere. NC is difficult for sure. You just have to keep at it. Poppy. On my worst days I just get through the day, on my best days I'm aiming to be my old self! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 'Going with the flow' is usually easy, but doing the right thing can be very difficult. People don't just need to grieve what they've lost; they also sometimes need to grieve for what they wanted, but didn't get. Maintain your resolve to be happy again. Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 So sorry Bbz to hear today is a bad day. Totally understand how you feel, in fact I was about to create a similar post. The healing process is not straightforward or continuous. I know what you mean - I've been feeling a bit better, but the past few days have gone back to missing XMM, his friendship, being together. I too find the lack of closure really difficult. Were the feelings real on his part? I keep thinking he believed them (probably) at the time, I so hope it was just a script to keep me interested and keep me coming back. Frequently when I'm feeling more cynical and working on concentrating on the negatives I think it meant nothing to him. I certainly know he can't be finding the end/the total NC as difficult as I do. Big (((Hugs))), hope you have some good days soon. I had a bad day yesterday. My social group went to a meet up at xMM's village two days ago. I honestly thought after 10 months, I would be ok to go. It was fine at the time and I didn't see him. Yesterday I was a total mess. Seeing the place triggered so many memories!!! I think we need to be vigilant at all times about removing ourselves from the triggers. We do not need setbacks. It has become obvious to me that xMM was running a script to keep me hooked. He had a nice double life going on. He was so darned good at it. Then again sociopaths are natural liars. It's hard work being NC but still thinking about him quite a bit. Poppy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FlemishSwanSong Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I had a bad day yesterday. My social group went to a meet up at xMM's village two days ago. I honestly thought after 10 months, I would be ok to go. It was fine at the time and I didn't see him. Yesterday I was a total mess. Seeing the place triggered so many memories!!! I think we need to be vigilant at all times about removing ourselves from the triggers. We do not need setbacks. It has become obvious to me that xMM was running a script to keep me hooked. He had a nice double life going on. He was so darned good at it. Then again sociopaths are natural liars. It's hard work being NC but still thinking about him quite a bit. Poppy I think you're right about Triggers Poppy. You can be doing so well and then a place, memory, phrase, joint friend, song etc, can trigger a memory with XAP. I find avoiding the triggers hard. BbZ do you work with your XAP, can you avoid triggers during the day. These triggers can really throw your whole day, even week out. I think as everyone has commented, the OW just has to hang on in, take each day at a time and focus on rebuilding her life. For me, I have to catch myself to not consider the what ifs...and remember he was not the man I thought he was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Ugh!!! The triggers. I was doing great. A few days had passed since I even thought of him! Then heard our song on the radio at work and totally threw me for a loop. I had the take the rest of the day off, believe it or not. It will get better. We have to know that. But breaking NC will only open up old wounds. It prolongs the healing. I know it's hard when you're forced to see him, but hang in there. We can't stay down forever. All the best!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 It just takes time. It's been five months here and the longer the time passes, the more I realize how much I loved my xAP. It ended so badly and I know for me, I loved him more than he loved me, but it was real love for me as even with all the flaws we both had, I never stopped loving him. He had so many amazing qualities that I respected and his dark side was very hurtful but my love for him never waiver. I would have and still would, if the opportunity presented itself, want to be with him. For him, not sure. He went back to his wife. I have my daughter to focus on. I miss him every.moment.of.every.single.day. I have no desire to ever cheat again. He was my one true love and I have no doubt I will always love him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 It just takes time. It's been five months here and the longer the time passes, the more I realize how much I loved my xAP. It ended so badly and I know for me, I loved him more than he loved me, but it was real love for me as even with all the flaws we both had, I never stopped loving him. He had so many amazing qualities that I respected and his dark side was very hurtful but my love for him never waiver. I would have and still would, if the opportunity presented itself, want to be with him. For him, not sure. He went back to his wife. I have my daughter to focus on. I miss him every.moment.of.every.single.day. I have no desire to ever cheat again. He was my one true love and I have no doubt I will always love him. I struggle with this as well. I know that many here want to say that the love wasn't real. It was fueled by hormones and dopamine and limerence. And I do believe that my *actions* were affected by all of those things. I never would have engaged in an affair if I hadn't been hopped up on the addictive qualities of it. I would have set boundaries and pulled away, maybe even quit my job. But mine was an emotional affair, involving so much sharing and connecting, in a short but extremely concentrated time frame. I did fall in love, and I do still love him. I stay away, and will never reach out to him again, but the love was real. And it lingers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 What is this about... Barely any talk for weeks then all of a sudden he's my best friend... It ended when she found out. We work together and I don't know if it's just to keep the air clear or an alterior motive. It didn't end bad. He went back to the Wife and wanted to work on that after being apart. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 (edited) Respect his wishes and decline friendship every single time. Do you have other friends you can hang out with? You know, he doesnt have a monopoly on companionship. And FYI, just because he talks to you at work does not mean he's looking for friendship. Could be all professional. If he deleted your contact and is not reaching out then he most likely he wants to work on his marriage. Edited January 27, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 On my worst days I just get through the day, on my best days I'm aiming to be my old self! I love your aims. You will get through the days. You will probably never be your old self again. Wasn't that the old self that got you into this mess??? I am aiming to be a better new self. Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 You will probably never be your old self again. Wasn't that the old self that got you into this mess??? Great point Poppy!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FortyandForlorn Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 What is this about... Barely any talk for weeks then all of a sudden he's my best friend... It ended when she found out. We work together and I don't know if it's just to keep the air clear or an alterior motive. It didn't end bad. He went back to the Wife and wanted to work on that after being apart. I also had a EA with a coworker. I'm saying this to myself as much as I'm saying this to you: don't read into his behavior. All you can control and manage are your own actions. If he's talking to you, keep it short and polite and focus on moving on. And if light conversation is too much, then stay busy so you can't talk to him. "Oh, I'm sorry I can't talk right now", and etc. Know that you guys may ever go back to being friends and you're never going to have the closure you want. But you can move pass this. We can move pass this. You are stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I love your aims. You will get through the days. You will probably never be your old self again. Wasn't that the old self that got you into this mess??? I am aiming to be a better new self. Poppy. Same here. I feel like this experienced in some ways broke me apart, and I am putting back the pieces of who I am. And there will definitely be some pieces I choose to leave behind, and some new ones I'd like to develop. And hopefully, in the end, I'll be stronger at all of the broken bits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 So I was doing ok and today I just want to cry all day. I have to see his face everyday and fell like an idiot because I allowed myself to catch feelings for a separated man. What the hell was I thinking ?? After 20 years and kids he wouldn't go back home? I was a distraction and all the sweet gestures meant not a thing. Our friendship is 100% ruined now and we are cordial, but that is only because I have no choice but to see him. Thank god it didn't get to be full blown physical. What a fool I feel like to think he felt the same! Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Relax, you are not back to square one. You are having a bad day. We all get them. Just work past it. Know its temporary. Keep focused on the end game. breath. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 This was an EA, no sex, right? And you work together? Getting a different job would best if contact is this painful. Also consider having you GP screen you for depression, low thyroid etc. These conditions can exacerbate mood issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 This was an EA, no sex, right? And you work together? Getting a different job would best if contact is this painful. Also consider having you GP screen you for depression, low thyroid etc. These conditions can exacerbate mood issues. I don't have any health issues as you have stated. I never slept with him. He wanted to but I would not. Then not long after he decided to do the right thing and be back home (I think he was already before he said this). I feel like we are strangers now. its very hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Sampson Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) I don't have any health issues as you have stated. I never slept with him. He wanted to but I would not. Then not long after he decided to do the right thing and be back home (I think he was already before he said this). I feel like we are strangers now. its very hurtful. He was never a friend. Peel that onion and see this. What defines a friend to you? A separated person is not divorced and those who would, as he was going to, engaged in a physical relationship with someone else while still technically unavailable and albeit through some sort of rationalizing, minimizing, and justification to himself intended to hurt you and/or his "separated" wife who I am sure was being told rosy or good lines because no divorce proceedings had been started and she allowed him back. Correct? Because both you and his wife were disposable to his own needs and wants. Do friends treat other so call friends disposable? So count yourself lucky your not his wife. Did you catch feelings for him as a person because you saw him as this wonderful man without looking truly at what he was doing and going to do (in hurting others for his own selfish gain) or did you catch feelings for the way he made you feel and the attention he provided. Actions mean and show more than just words which can be spoken and have no meaning or reason but to get what you want. Food for thought Edited February 3, 2017 by Sampson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I'm learning this the hard way right now. I have to see him every day and some days are fine and others suck. It keeps them fresh on your mind. It's almost like once they don't need you anymore (or wife finds out) the hell with you. He was separated not living together. (I know still married but papers were being signed.) he never wore a ring even before marital problems. He actually never did in the years that I've known him. Do most cheaters not wear rings? Also, he did try sleeping with someone I know when he was drunk years ago when he had just gotten Married! Red flags flying around everywhere...why do we ignore these??glad I know for next time to watch for these clues. Edited February 10, 2017 by Bbz106 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 Do they come back around and become extra nice when they are looking for an ego boost? He's been "accidentally" physically bumping into me. I've talked to him like friends but at the end of the day I'm still a little sad about it. It took me a lot to get to accepting the fact that I had feelings for someone that was untouchable. Did he for me? Not so sure. wondering how they can fake it so well. He has seemed miserable since things have changed. Not the happy person he was before. He was separated but planning on divorcing, then went back and is on a short leash now. Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Do they come back around and become extra nice when they are looking for an ego boost? He's been "accidentally" physically bumping into me. I've talked to him like friends but at the end of the day I'm still a little sad about it. It took me a lot to get to accepting the fact that I had feelings for someone that was untouchable. Did he for me? Not so sure. wondering how they can fake it so well. He has seemed miserable since things have changed. Not the happy person he was before. He was separated but planning on divorcing, then went back and is on a short leash now. I think you have to be extremely careful - it sounds like he is sniffing around to see, if there still might be an opening. You have to be strong and enforce your boundaries when this happens. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Do they come back around and become extra nice when they are looking for an ego boost? He's been "accidentally" physically bumping into me. I've talked to him like friends but at the end of the day I'm still a little sad about it. It took me a lot to get to accepting the fact that I had feelings for someone that was untouchable. Did he for me? Not so sure. wondering how they can fake it so well. He has seemed miserable since things have changed. Not the happy person he was before. He was separated but planning on divorcing, then went back and is on a short leash now. That definitely sounds like he's feeling you out to see if you're interested in resuming things. Accidental physical contact is the universal sign of flirting/trying to resume something. The fact that he seems miserable is more proof he's fishing around. He wants you to make him feel better. And I doubt just with an ego boost. My guess is the physical contact is to get you primed to restart the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 You should be insulted that he's fishing - he sees you as a mark, someone who is easy, not someone who is strong enough to say no and walk away. "She will sleep with a married man, no problem". Prove him wrong. Do not see this as a compliment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Well I never slept with him in the first place. I told him no. And how disrespectful to his wife. I thought he was working on his M. How would she feel if she knew. Makes me glad I dodged that bullet. Also, where were you when I was devastated, sad, crying? Nowhere. It was ME who picked myself back up and I'm ok. I don't need you now. Link to post Share on other sites
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