Involved with MM [UPDATED]

[Bbz106]

Why do they treat you like you are suddenly a stranger ?I wonder if he even told his wife or just said that ... Even though you were such good friends before anything .. I guess you see who they really are after everything goes down. We don't have to have hr long conversations but wow I must have only been a distraction while he was down and out.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Why do they treat you like you are suddenly a stranger ?I wonder if he even told his wife or just said that ... Even though you were such good friends before anything .. I guess you see who they really are after everything goes down. We don't have to have hr long conversations but wow I must have only been a distraction while he was down and out.

 

I do not know your full story but you were a distraction. You were a little extra excitement in his mundane life and as much as it hurts that is all it was to him.

 

Why no contact after Dday- for so many reasons. if there was a dday his life is now in turmoil he is being forced to face the pain his actions have caused. Men especially think they will never get caught they feel entitled to having their cake and eating it too and they do not think they are causing their spouse any pain. Once they have to face that it is almost more than they can handle. You as the AP were never real in their lives so once reality hits the fantasy is the first thing to go.

 

Are you married? If not then cut ties - NC, block and go. You dodged a bullet here and one day you will be thankful for that.

 

My advice do not pine away for someone like this. He isn't worth it.

[Bbz106]

I do not know your full story but you were a distraction. You were a little extra excitement in his mundane life and as much as it hurts that is all it was to him.

 

Why no contact after Dday- for so many reasons. if there was a dday his life is now in turmoil he is being forced to face the pain his actions have caused. Men especially think they will never get caught they feel entitled to having their cake and eating it too and they do not think they are causing their spouse any pain. Once they have to face that it is almost more than they can handle. You as the AP were never real in their lives so once reality hits the fantasy is the first thing to go.

 

Are you married? If not then cut ties - NC, block and go. You dodged a bullet here and one day you will be thankful for that.

 

My advice do not pine away for someone like this. He isn't worth it.

 

Thanks.. He was briefly separated so was not living with her at the time. Foolish to develop feelings for someone who just got separated I know ..they got back together and supposedly she found out.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks.. He was briefly separated so was not living with her at the time. Foolish to develop feelings for someone who just got separated I know ..they got back together and supposedly she found out.

 

My sister and her husband were recently separated but still working on their marriage. He was hot and cold to her but when he was hot it was all about how much he loved her and wanted what they had in their marriage while telling his AP the marriage was over and how much he loved her.

 

The affair recently came to light and you know who was kicked to the curb.. yup the AP.

 

It isn't about you- take it as a lesson learned. Affairs are never about the other person they are always about the person having the affair because to them they are number 1. I am sorry you are hurting.. I felt sorry for both my sister and the OW in this case.. They were both hurt by the same person.

[Miss Clavel]

we have a saying in our house. "it's over, thee end". say that out loud to yourself 100 times a day. start believing it.

 

 

p.s. you're lucky you dodged a bullet. you might not feel like that right now but look around this website and you will, eventually.

[Bbz106]

My sister and her husband were recently separated but still working on their marriage. He was hot and cold to her but when he was hot it was all about how much he loved her and wanted what they had in their marriage while telling his AP the marriage was over and how much he loved her.

 

The affair recently came to light and you know who was kicked to the curb.. yup the AP.

 

It isn't about you- take it as a lesson learned. Affairs are never about the other person they are always about the person having the affair because to them they are number 1. I am sorry you are hurting.. I felt sorry for both my sister and the OW in this case.. They were both hurt by the same person.

 

 

Geez thats tough.They were ready to divorce. There was no talk of working things out at first. He went back home... Apparently this is the third time they separated and got back together. I didn't know that until after the fact. He pursued me. Then went back home , still flirted etc. I went along and developed feelings unfortunately.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Geez thats tough.They were ready to divorce. There was no talk of working things out at first. He went back home... Apparently this is the third time they separated and got back together. I didn't know that until after the fact. He pursued me. Then went back home , still flirted etc. I went along and developed feelings unfortunately.

 

Yup my sis and her husband were ready to divorce too the words had been thrown out so many times.

 

In all honesty in his mind he really thought they were done but he still crawled back every couple of weeks wanting to work on things. I am guessing he pursued the OW- he needed someone to make him feel good, stroke his ego, etc..

 

I am sorry you developed feelings but i really do feel that you are the one to come out the winner in this case.

[ladydesigner]

Why do they treat you like you are suddenly a stranger ?I wonder if he even told his wife or just said that ... Even though you were such good friends before anything .. I guess you see who they really are after everything goes down. We don't have to have hr long conversations but wow I must have only been a distraction while he was down and out.

 

Not only do you get to see who they really are but so does a BS after Dday. At that point the charade of being 'a good person' goes out the window!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why do they treat you like you are suddenly a stranger ?I wonder if he even told his wife or just said that ... Even though you were such good friends before anything .. I guess you see who they really are after everything goes down. We don't have to have hr long conversations but wow I must have only been a distraction while he was down and out.

 

Why? Because he is a man and to a man a woman is for marriage or for sex. You were for just for sex. When he went back to his wife, you were not needed anymore. When she found out, he threw you under the bus - she pursued me, she means nothing, she is crazy. They all do it.

 

PS He may have been married all along. They lie about anything and everything.

 

You are better off.

 

fOW

[Bbz106]

Why? Because he is a man and to a man a woman is for marriage or for sex. You were for just for sex. When he went back to his wife, you were not needed anymore. When she found out, he threw you under the bus - she pursued me, she means nothing, she is crazy. They all do it.

 

PS He may have been married all along. They lie about anything and everything.

 

You are better off.

 

fOW

 

I didn't sleep with him. I refused to. He was separated and living with a friend. Everybody knew

[Bbz106]

I guess it just baffles me how they totally ignore you after dday. A few words here and there. Is it because they are trying to get rid of any feelings they have for you ? Trying to get you not to like them anymore. Maybe I'm just naive. There was no sex involved just emotional stuff. Does telling them how you feel make them see the reality and panic ? He was not married but separated now acts like I don't exist.

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like his wife found out and/or the guilt got to be too much. And he is saving his marriage/relationship mode.

 

Even in normal, every day relationships, it isn't uncommon to break up with someone and just disappear. I sure wish I had that option.

[Simple Logic]

I guess it just baffles me how they totally ignore you after dday. A few words here and there. Is it because they are trying to get rid of any feelings they have for you ? Trying to get you not to like them anymore. Maybe I'm just naive. There was no sex involved just emotional stuff. Does telling them how you feel make them see the reality and panic ? He was not married but separated now acts like I don't exist.

 

If not married, but separated, they call that divorced, which they weren't.

[Joie]

It sounds like his behavior has nothing to do with you being the OW and everything to do with how he breaks up with people. Some guys just ghost a girl when they are done. I am sorry this happened to you.

[aileD]

Did he go back to his wife?

 

If so, that's why. Can't fix things with his wife if he's in contact with his AP.

 

It's really that simple. Don't look more into it. He made a choice (I'm assuming) and that choice was to put his wife first so that means you're OUT.

 

Now you know you deserve better. Learn from it

 

And like someone said. "Separated is not divorced". Don't date separated people. Separated means one of two things:

 

A. They are unsure of whether or not they want to really divorce their partner so they haven't pulled the trigger yet on anything formal. You're just the greener grass on the other side which they then find out isn't as green as their old comfortable lawn

 

 

B. They've done the paperwork, everything is moving along fine. BUT....this means that they're not far enough out from the end of their marriage to form healthy relationships. They need time to grieve fully the end of he marriage and you maybe a rebound or place holder

[whichwayisup]

I guess it just baffles me how they totally ignore you after dday. A few words here and there. Is it because they are trying to get rid of any feelings they have for you ? Trying to get you not to like them anymore. Maybe I'm just naive. There was no sex involved just emotional stuff. Does telling them how you feel make them see the reality and panic ? He was not married but separated now acts like I don't exist.

 

Still married until the divorce is finalized. Separation means just that and sadly for you he chose to go back home and work on his marriage after his wife discovered the affair. She hasn't forced him back, but part of his consequence is not seeing or speaking to you anymore that is, if he wants a chance of fixing things with his wife. It's not about you, it's about him.

[Bbz106]

Did he go back to his wife?

 

If so, that's why. Can't fix things with his wife if he's in contact with his AP.

 

It's really that simple. Don't look more into it. He made a choice (I'm assuming) and that choice was to put his wife first so that means you're OUT.

 

Now you know you deserve better. Learn from it

 

And like someone said. "Separated is not divorced". Don't date separated people. Separated means one of two things:

 

A. They are unsure of whether or not they want to really divorce their partner so they haven't pulled the trigger yet on anything formal. You're just the greener grass on the other side which they then find out isn't as green as their old comfortable lawn

 

 

B. They've done the paperwork, everything is moving along fine. BUT....this means that they're not far enough out from the end of their marriage to form healthy relationships. They need time to grieve fully the end of he marriage and you maybe a rebound or place holder

 

Yes. He went back before she found out.

[Bbz106]

Did he go back to his wife?

 

If so, that's why. Can't fix things with his wife if he's in contact with his AP.

 

It's really that simple. Don't look more into it. He made a choice (I'm assuming) and that choice was to put his wife first so that means you're OUT.

 

Now you know you deserve better. Learn from it

 

And like someone said. "Separated is not divorced". Don't date separated people. Separated means one of two things:

 

A. They are unsure of whether or not they want to really divorce their partner so they haven't pulled the trigger yet on anything formal. You're just the greener grass on the other side which they then find out isn't as green as their old comfortable lawn

 

 

B. They've done the paperwork, everything is moving along fine. BUT....this means that they're not far enough out from the end of their marriage to form healthy relationships. They need time to grieve fully the end of he marriage and you maybe a rebound or place holder

 

I think the whole rejection is what bothers me the most but I get when people have invested that much time and there are kids involved it gets more complicated. Either way I think no matter how much greener the grass the outcome would have been the same.

[gettingstronger]

In all honesty, before infidelity became part of my life, I would have assumed separated meant getting a divorce. Like me, you are now sadly wiser. Sucks right? My best guess is he has his hands full reconciling with his wife. It's tough sledding. Don't take it personally. Move on and heal.

[Bbz106]

In all honesty, before infidelity became part of my life, I would have assumed separated meant getting a divorce. Like me, you are now sadly wiser. Sucks right? My best guess is he has his hands full reconciling with his wife. It's tough sledding. Don't take it personally. Move on and heal.

 

Never again. Can't believe how naive I was. He was still pursuing when he went back so I didn't even know he went back.

[FortyandForlorn]

You guys work together, right? How often do you have to see each other? Is it possible to avoid him throughout the day?

[Bbz106]

I was doing ok the past week. Got my mind off of things and today sucks. Working with him does not help. I just miss him as a friend I guess. I told him first that I couldn't carry on because he went back with his wife. I was not going to be the OW. Then he said he was not going to contact me again. Pretty much that he was patching things up with her and he didn't know what the outcome would be. It happened so fast but I miss him. It sucks not knowing if the feelings were genuine or it was just physical attraction. We did not sleep together because I would not do it.

[FlemishSwanSong]

So sorry Bbz to hear today is a bad day. Totally understand how you feel, in fact I was about to create a similar post. The healing process is not straightforward or continuous. I know what you mean - I've been feeling a bit better, but the past few days have gone back to missing XMM, his friendship, being together. I too find the lack of closure really difficult. Were the feelings real on his part? I keep thinking he believed them (probably) at the time, I so hope it was just a script to keep me interested and keep me coming back. Frequently when I'm feeling more cynical and working on concentrating on the negatives I think it meant nothing to him. I certainly know he can't be finding the end/the total NC as difficult as I do.

Big (((Hugs))), hope you have some good days soon.

[Bbz106]

So sorry Bbz to hear today is a bad day. Totally understand how you feel, in fact I was about to create a similar post. The healing process is not straightforward or continuous. I know what you mean - I've been feeling a bit better, but the past few days have gone back to missing XMM, his friendship, being together. I too find the lack of closure really difficult. Were the feelings real on his part? I keep thinking he believed them (probably) at the time, I so hope it was just a script to keep me interested and keep me coming back. Frequently when I'm feeling more cynical and working on concentrating on the negatives I think it meant nothing to him. I certainly know he can't be finding the end/the total NC as difficult as I do.

Big (((Hugs))), hope you have some good days soon.

 

Thank you I hope you feel better too. It sucks feeling used when someone is down and out.(separated) I feel like things will never be the same and I can't look at him the same. I still respect him but part of me feels like I don't know what his intentions were and how could he use me. We've known each other for a long time. Anyway , hope your day gets better (hugs)

[FlemishSwanSong]

I think we both need to take these difficult days one step at a time and remember in the long run things will get easier and better. I haven't had one day yet when I haven't thought about him, but I had got to the stage when I could think of him briefly and move on. I should hate him (still miss aspect of him and the A - terrible thing to confess). I look forward to the day for both of us, when we have continuous days of just not even thinking of our XAP. When the A just becomes part of our history, which stirs no strong feelings. I feel this is probably optimistic and unrealistic, but aiming high, failing badly!