Mid life wife drama

[sandylee1]

You said you had a fling prior to being in a committed relationship? What does that mean exactly?

 

Does that mean you were just dating? Were you a couple /known as an item?

 

And when you say an EA? Was it also a physical thing?

 

I'm just struggling to understand you saying it's before you were committed. Did your wife agree that you weren't committed at that time? Or is it just your understanding?

 

If she didn't forgive you ... why did you move forward to marriage?

 

I don't agree this is a divorce situation, but why does she wish she had an affair? Because she could have? Because you weren't enough? To get even? Because if she could not get past it .... she need not have said "I do"

[Mr. Lucky]

Not throwing away my wife and my young son with her IS having backbone -- not the other way around.

 

rocky2marie, you don't throw her away any more than you can lock her in.

 

Participation in marriage and AA - both voluntary. And in the disconcertingly direct way many long-time program members have, these posters are trying to tell you she's only got one foot in the door in both areas.

 

I don't know if she's actually cheated or not. But I do know the deceit and manipulation aren't part of marriage vows or 12 steps. Ignore the lies, hidden relationships and Vegas weekends at your own peril. As has been pointed out, such willful ignorance normally comes back to haunt you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blueskies66]

I am a serial cheat and an expert liar. Your wife knows you read her journal. It's a way for her to communicate with you with either the truth or lies. I have had too many affairs to remember and so I think I know how it all works amongst the members of the sexual underground. Your wife is *****ng other men. She does because she likes it, and you are trying to sell us on the lies that even you don't believe.

 

It's ok though. I think you have valid points for taking the path that you seem to be on. You want to keep your family together. You seem to think that your marriage is safe despite her infidelities. Even your sex life is good. If that's true your path seems reasonable.

 

Another path may be to brooch the subject of an open marriage. I'm not suggesting a marriage with no rules. Open marriage commitments are often as strong as conventional vows.

 

Good luck!

[zeeohsixer]

Thanks for the responses guys. I think I've got my consensus answer: it's pretty much cheating. Therapist keeps telling me to get over it. "She's a human being. It's just thoughts. Maybe some near misses." He's right. She's human. And going through a mid-life and wants attention. But BOY am I feeling no bueno about it and on high alert these days.

glutton for punishment, have the balls to walk away. What kind of man do you want your son to be? How will he learn self-respect when his own father allows some woman to **** all over him.

[Oberfeldwebel]

It sounds like you two have been working against one another for awhile now. Personally, I think that you would benefit from professional counseling.

[elaine567]

Wife and I been together 15 years. Since age 25. Early on I had a fling with someone she knew through work. We weren't committed at the time. We weren't even married until two years ago. But she flipped out. Iced me out for the next six years.

 

Been together 15 years - married only 2 years ago.

I guess early on when you had the fling with her co-worker, you did not feel "committed", but my guess is that she did. She wouldn't have put you through the mill otherwise.

I agree with Angel eyes, this was rug swept and never really dealt with.

I guess her drinking to excess was also linked to that episode too. Unhappy people tend to self medicate with alcohol.

If you do not want to leave then you need to both get into counselling to save your marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

I very much doubt that a MOTHER of your young child felt "uncommitted" in your relationship when you had an affair with HER friend from work!

 

I get the impression that you threw her drinking at her so she took steps to help the relationship, enjoyed the meetings & continued going.

 

The fact that you see yourself as 'punished' enough because she was devastated by your infidelity screams volumes to me.

 

If you read my journal you would read that "I want to have an affair!". I've even asked the question on this forum a few times. "Is it easier to finally recover if I do the same thing? Will he finally truly 'get' how much agony he inflicted if he got a taste of his own medicine?".

 

I'm sure she's glad to know that you didn't dump her for her work friend because of your child!!! Sarcasm!!! I'm sure, with your child aging, she's really safe & secure with a man who has ALWAYS considered her pain at infidelity an overreaction.

 

You have found no evidence of sexual or emotional infidelity from her, despite searching everything you can. I'm wondering if you should look closer to home for the weaknesses in your relationship. It does sound like she has one foot out the door & she's a very unhappy lady but I don't think it's about another man YET.

 

I'm sorry if I'm wrong. You're the one who has mentioned your cheating. I think deep down you know that's where all the problems stem from. Only a couple of posters have picked-up on it. Do you still feel guilty? Have you expressed this to your wife? That's what she needs. I know it's human nature to justify our behavior & want to rugsweep our bad acts BUT being cheated on by the person you love makes many words spoken in haste last forever if not addressed.

[rocky2marie]

No I don't feel guilty at all. Not anymore. Spent thousands of days feeling guilty and expressing it to her every day. Finally had enough. And FYI it wasn't someone from "her" work it was someone we knew from the field we work in. And was MANY years ago. In fact they're even friends now! But the point you make that I found no evidence is really THE point. I just don't buy the paranoid idea that she's communicating with me via journal entries. I'm not that much of a snoop. Only did it twice in 15 years. You'd have to be worst most calculating sob to write thousands of pages of lies to thwart your spouse. She's just not that kind of person. And noone's sweeping anything under the rug. She's been put on big time notice and we're in deep therapy because of it!

[BaileyB]

Life is just simply too short...

 

Why would you ever want to stay in an unhealthy relationship like this... so much drama! Maybe you really like the drama, but it just seems really unnecessary to me...

 

Good luck with the counselling.

[ShatteredLady]

I admit that I discovered that my husband was reading my journal just after d-day so I did write a couple of intentionally manipulative entries BUT in hindsight you would have to be an idiot not to spot the truth AND I confessed immediately!!

 

I agree. You know her. The idea of someone writing page after page of fake journal entries for years is pretty crazy.

[ShatteredLady]

Life is just simply too short...

 

Why would you ever want to stay in an unhealthy relationship like this... so much drama! Maybe you really like the drama, but it just seems really unnecessary to me...

 

Good luck with the counselling.

 

 

....Because after all of those years invested in someone you LOVE & share a CHILD with should be worked very hard on, for a longtime before you even consider throwing it away.

 

Everyone goes through hard times. It's not always going to be Sunshine & roses. Life long relationships sometimes take a lot of work to get back on track. That's how you stay with only one person.

 

The OP titled this thread "Mid Life Wife Drama". Hopefully this can be fixed.

[Blueskies66]

I admit that I discovered that my husband was reading my journal just after d-day so I did write a couple of intentionally manipulative entries BUT in hindsight you would have to be an idiot not to spot the truth AND I confessed immediately!!

 

I agree. You know her. The idea of someone writing page after page of fake journal entries for years is pretty crazy.

 

 

Nobody suggested that she wrote page after page. A few well placed entries could work wonders.

[BaileyB]

....Because after all of those years invested in someone you LOVE & share a CHILD with should be worked very hard on, for a longtime before you even consider throwing it away.

 

Everyone goes through hard times. It's not always going to be Sunshine & roses. Life long relationships sometimes take a lot of work to get back on track. That's how you stay with only one person.

 

The OP titled this thread "Mid Life Wife Drama". Hopefully this can be fixed.

 

He had a fling before they were together and she froze him out for six years.

 

He went through treatment for lung cancer in 2012 and she was unmoved and uncaring during the experiece.

 

In addition, this marriage has dealt with a significant problem with alcohol and an inappropriate secret friendship/emotional affair...

 

I understand that life is not always sunshine and roses... And I can appreciate why you would want to stick by someone you love and work through difficult times when you share a family...

 

But this relationship has been unhealthy and filled with drama from the very beginning. I'm just saying, maybe it's too much drama. I can't imagine spending years of my life being unhappy and living with this kind of drama through the better part of my marriage...

 

Life is too short for that, in my opinion.

Edited January 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[Jersey born raised]

Shattererlady, et al

 

Are we reading the same thread? I read what Bailey wrote. If the "fling" occurred while married (in which it's adultery) or while engaged that is one thing but it didn't.

 

Original poster, could you please clarify your timeline. For example in

 

Xxxx started dating.

 

Xxxx married.

 

Xxxx. Child born.

 

Thanks

Edited January 7, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[Mr Blunt]

By Rocky

She tortured me for seven years.

She somehow forgave me

By Blunt

Now she is not torturing you but she is using your betrayal to help justify her getting sexually excited with someone that is not you. She has not forgiven you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Rocky:

Ignored me, handed me the kid, was "having coffee" with multiple guys from AA.

She went to therapy and admitted to falling for the therapist so had to quit. She went on a work trip to Vegas and partied extremely hard and told me "there was heavy flirting going on but no cheating". She started telling me about things from 12 years ago "Ok I was at a party at a hotel and a guy pulled me to his hotel room and took off his shirt" blah blah And that guy from AA I almost kissed but didn't blah blah.

Well about a year ago she started working out all the time, changed her hair to platinum blonde and started having extremely loud passionate sex in her sleep. About three times a week.

 

By Blunt

She obviously desires other men and has replaced you with them at times. If she took the vow that says “Forsaking all others” she has shattered that vow. Rocky, if you are like me you do not want your wife to desire other men romantically or sexually. She has disrespected you big time!

 

 

If you are one of those men that are not willing to take very strong action then I have no comment for you. Are you willing to take strong action in order to have a chance at changing your wife so that you are always her number one man and she not seek other men to replace you in some capacity? If you are then you have to be willing to lose her in order to save your marriage. You will have to be strong and somewhat self-sufficient in order to not crumble. Find as many people as you can that have somewhat the same situation you have and have saved the marriage. Get all the information that you can from them and all other sources then formulate your plan to take strong actions so that your wife will both make you her number one man and forsake all other men and sexual fantasies with other men or she will be out of your life.

 

 

 

 

 

By Rocky

For the four or five months I was on the couch she never cried. Never even touched me. Just stared at me with a blank look.

By Blunt

If your wife does not have affection for you or cares enough to help you when you are down then you would be very wise to get strong enough to start a new life without her. If you do not then you will have a miserable life

 

 

By Rocky

Therapist keeps telling me to get over it. "She's a human being. It's just thoughts.

BY Blunt

Tell your therapist to stand up like a man then kick him right in the nuts and tell him he is fired. Then go get a therapist that has some solutions other tan “Get over it”. You can get that kind of suggestion from any loser for free!

[rocky2marie]

Started dating in 03. Kid born early 06, fling happened actually in late 06 so i got my timelines slightly wrong. We had not had sex at that time since she got preg in mid 05.

[BaileyB]

So, you had a child together when the fling happened... Yeah, that would not be good. I can appreciate why she wanted to freeze you out...

 

But, why she tolerated your affair and responded by freezing you out for six years... And why you tolerated that kind of behavior from her is beyond me.

 

It sounds like you've had a very unhealthy relationship, from the very beginning.

[Jersey born raised]

Your timeline has me confused.

 

Are you saying from 06 to 12 you did not have sex? When did sex start again after cancer?

 

New AA guy started in 2011 while you where being treated?

 

Vegas, what year? Before or after she joined AA?

 

Eliane and shattered lady seem to have the right of it. Each of you need to own your own side of the street before anything else. What are you doing to clean up your side of the street?

 

You get this "fling" occurred right after(?) she birthed your son. Do you get how that played with her mind?

[S2B]

Has your wife made a decision to DO all 12 steps?

 

AA is NOT about socializing and having coffee etc - it's about getting a solid sponsor and DOING all 12 steps.

 

What is she doing? It's definitely not the program at all - based on what you've stated.

[elaine567]

Started dating in 03. Kid born early 06, fling happened actually in late 06 so i got my timelines slightly wrong. We had not had sex at that time since she got preg in mid 05.

 

Why would you think that after three years dating and having a child together, there was no commitment?

She had just made a huge commitment to you surely?

[rocky2marie]

That was no affair that was a one night stand 11 years ago. And difficult as it is to understand we were not committed by any stretch back then. On again off again and off right before she got pregnant. While I'm not blaming her per se for my indiscretion it came after she denied me sex from the moment she got pregnant to nearly a year after the baby came. That's when I cheated. ONCE. I'm sorry people but a six year freeze out over that was way over the top --especially during a time I almost died. More ego and rage than hurt feelings.

[BaileyB]

That was no affair that was a one night stand 11 years ago. And difficult as it is to understand we were not committed by any stretch back then. On again off again and off right before she got pregnant. While I'm not blaming her per se for my indiscretion it came after she denied me sex from the moment she got pregnant to nearly a year after the baby came. That's when I cheated. ONCE. I'm sorry people but a six year freeze out over that was way over the top --especially during a time I almost died. More ego and rage than hurt feelings.

 

Oh, I totally agree. A six year freeze out is way over the top.

 

I would have walked away if my partner had a one night stand when I was caring for his infant child... But that's just me. She chose to stay and punish you...

 

You've both used sex as a weapon in your relationship. But, at what point have you hurt each other enough....

Edited January 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[rocky2marie]

Not one person can understand the relationship of another. They're as individuated as fingerprints. Easy to say "this sounds bad just end it." But it's not all bad. It's not even more than 50% bad. It's actually about 75% great. That said I'm not naive. Everything I've heard trickling out of her mouth smells like approved versions of the truth. But she didn't just offer it up to torture me or get attention. I insisted on it. I begged her to just tell me that she'd cheated so that we'd be "even". But that was never going to come unless she was caught dead to rights. And true fact I got nothing on her. Do I wish she'd have left me six years ago? Selfishly yes. But I would be only half as close to my son. And that was just a non-starter. I'd have endured anything and would do it all over again for him to have two parents in the house. We've learned to love each other about 1000% better. We have sex literally every day though we're in our 40s. Best I ever had actually. And it gets better on all fronts everyday. Neither of us are great catches obviously. But what more can you ask for?

[BaileyB]

Well, maybe the good out ways the bad... As you say, each relationship is different and the only person who can make that decision is you.

 

Best wishes.

[Chaparral]

I don't know that if she had an affair or affairs she would be stupid enough to put that kind of information in the diary. All that wishing she could have and but wouldn't seems awfully odd. I mean who would do that? Looks to much like a red herring to me.

 

Ask her to take a lie detector test and follow all the way through with it.

 

Did you say she knew you looked through her diary?