I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

[Timshel]

Exactly.

 

I said similar words many times. That Dr.reply is outta this world. Unreasonable. Not logical and sensible.

 

DrReplyInRhymes makes good sense to myself because this is a complicated situation which require difficult and uncomfortable questions.

[LD1990]

At the end of the day... I said something stupid as a scared boy, she said something stupid as a scared girl. I didn't contact her to see how she was immediately after nor did she contact me to tell me I had a child. I unknowingly let her raise a child alone for 8 years, she knowingly stole 8 years of his childhood that I will never get back.

 

She didn't steal a damn thing from you. This isn't some tit for tat situation. You told her to get an abortion and that you wanted nothing to do with a kid. Fair enough, in my opinion, but to now say that she stole 8 years of his childhood from you is nuts. You had your chance, you told her there wasn't a chance in hell of you sticking around and she believed you. Just because you suddenly decided it's daddy time doesn't make it right to whine about missing this kid's childhood.

 

Cry me a damn river. She clearly got the short end of the stick here and you're acting like she wronged you.

[LexiCat29]

Yeah no, you don't get to be angry at her after you abandoned her so cut that out right now.

 

I'm glad you are going to meet your son but please don't do it while you have these feelings of anger and resentment.

 

What does your fiancée think about all of this?

[GCar]

Like I said, I'm not arguing about it anymore.

[PrettyEmily77]

Now you turn the table around and make it on her. but actually whose fault is it?

 

you are a good manipulator...guess that was why you were able to manipulated her into believing you love her?

 

She didn't steal a damn thing from you. This isn't some tit for tat situation. You told her to get an abortion and that you wanted nothing to do with a kid. Fair enough, in my opinion, but to now say that she stole 8 years of his childhood from you is nuts. You had your chance, you told her there wasn't a chance in hell of you sticking around and she believed you. Just because you suddenly decided it's daddy time doesn't make it right to whine about missing this kid's childhood.

 

Cry me a damn river. She clearly got the short end of the stick here and you're acting like she wronged you.

 

To be fair to the OP (I may be speculating but I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt and assume OP is only venting here), he too is getting to grips with what is a life-changing development, and he does stand to lose quite a bit from this newfound situation.

 

Regardless of the rights and wrongs and both the parents' circumstances 8 years ago, they are both now trying to make it right for the child's sake which, in many ways, is admirable on both their parts. From this point on, it's a fresh start for all.

 

OP, it seems the mother did her part in respecting her son's paternal heritage, and you appear to have in fact always been present in this child's life, albeit unbeknownst to you - no doubt will this facilitate your slow introduction into this child's life, should he choose to meet you.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not going to fight anymore on whether or not I deserve to be involved, or whether I should have contacted her or not. Not everyone can have the same opinion. I am comfortable with my choice. It could go back and forth forever.

 

At the end of the day... I said something stupid as a scared boy, she said something stupid as a scared girl. I didn't contact her to see how she was immediately after nor did she contact me to tell me I had a child. I unknowingly let her raise a child alone for 8 years, she knowingly stole 8 years of his childhood that I will never get back.

 

Regardless of the opinions here, she texted me this morning and asked me to meet for coffee. We met this afternoon and she confirmed that he is my son. My name is on the birth certificate and always has been. She said she always thought about contacting me and eventually felt like it was too late and let it go. Her son - my son - has always asked about me and been curious, she told him that I lived far away. She found my Facebook profile years ago and has shown him pictures from there when he'd get curious. Every birthday and Christmas she wrote a card from me. There is a church nearby that is 9% blacks, she isn't religious but takes him once a week for the culture and said he really enjoys it. She isn't seeing anyone and in her words "never really has". She moved back here to be close to the only family she has, both of her parents passed away. We talked for a couple hours and she slowly got more comfortable with me. It was very awkward at first and she couldn't even look at me.

 

She is going to talk to our son (it feels weird being able to say that for real now) and see how he feels. She wants to go slow from there, which is fine. She doesn't want to have to go to court to deal with it, neither do I. If our son wants to meet me it'll happen as soon as he's ready.

 

That is awesome! A child needs both their parents & you two are making him the priority! You're starting off on the right foot...good luck to you!

[Timshel]

Like I said, I'm not arguing about it anymore.

 

Ok.

 

For the record, I don't see this the same way as most posters. She did make an extremely calculated decision over a long period of time.

The child is innocent and deserves careful/thoughtful attention and should not be involved until a dna test and boundaries are established.

 

Good Luck

[mikeylo]

It IS going to be weird in the beginning for everyone but if navigated carefully, things can fall in place.

 

Now that you are sure, why not read some parenting books. There are different ways to bring up boys and different ways for girls. That way you can relate to your son better.

 

People succeed in step parenting very well and this is your own ! My wife was adopted by her mother's second husband. He is a great guy and my wife refers to him as her dad.

 

You can do it but take it slow and take pointers from the mother.

[Sometymeswhy]

This is very thrilling OP. Very happy for you. Your life will change forever. Whether or not she consciencelessly or unconsciencely engineerered this, she did prep her son for this meet up by showing him pictures of his you from your Facebook page she has been following the entire time...sent the boy cards "from you" over the years...and finally positioned themselves close by. Anticipating happy ending to this cable TV movie. Your name is on the birth certificate. The villain fiancé will be jettisoned and a new family is born....just in time for Christmas.

[LexiCat29]

Like I said, I'm not arguing about it anymore.

 

With us or with your fiancee?

[Gaeta]

How can your name be on the birth certificate without your approval ??

 

You mean when my daughter was born I could have simply put on her birth certificate Mick Jaggar was the father! C'mon.

[mikeylo]

I dont understand why so many posters are so against the OP?

 

He is doing the right thing. There are so many deadbeat mothers and fathers out there. This mother and this father are now making it right, so what's the problem? The fiance? Duh !

 

Honestly, I've read posts here where 'opposite sex friends' are 'never' to be ignored for a fiance or gf or bf because they come and go while ' friends' are forever ! Here, fiance is over the top of a child ! OP isnt a deadbeat and nor is the mother.

 

If OP and the mother want it then who are we or anyone to judge?

 

I wouldnt be surprised if they fall in love.

[Gaeta]

About you do a smart thing and have a paternity test done before getting into anything.

 

There is a local case where I live, the lady told her ex he was the father of her child, 100% she had no intention of misleading someone, and 3 years later through a paternity test it shocked everyone he was not.

[Springsummer]

How can your name be on the birth certificate without your approval ??

 

You mean when my daughter was born I could have simply put on her birth certificate Mick Jaggar was the father! C'mon.

 

wow...I have no idea...never been to that situation. So I googled and you are right!

 

So is that post a totally lie or this whole thread is a lie? so that we can waste our time and mental energy over a fable?

[hoellein]

wow...I have no idea...never been to that situation. So I googled and you are right!

 

So is that post a totally lie or this whole thread is a lie? so that we can waste our time and mental energy over a fable?

 

I would think that it depends on where you live. My sister just had a new baby and it was all done online. She filled out for both parents and just checked a box saying they both consented. I know when my youngest was born it was the same, my ex filled the forms out and signed for both of us.

 

If he wanted a legal battle, he'd probably have a case. She either forged his signature or lied about his consent.

[Gaeta]

 

If he wanted a legal battle, he'd probably have a case. She either forged his signature or lied about his consent.

 

If OP does not contest his name on the birth certificate she can use it and sue him for 7 years of unpaid child support + interests + penalties.

 

ETA: I have a friend who got sued for child support when his son was 24 years old. The mother had 10 years to claim her due past the child's 18th birthday. He ended up with a bill of 56K to pay.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Gcar, I am glad to read that your son will have a father. Sounds to me as if his mother is an amazing woman!

 

I wish you a wonderful life with your son and whomever you should decide to marry and possibly have other children with.

[GCar]

With us or with your fiancee?

 

With you. There is no point fighting over it. It's tiring and annoying, to say the least. If people want to think that a father should have no role than so be it. I however, believe that my rights are just as valid as hers. She knew that I had no idea about him, she said that herself. I don't know why she would let me into his life a little bit (through pictures and fake letters) and not fully but that's what she did. So yes, I'm mad. Am I taking that out on her? No, not at all. I wasn't even mad until I got home, then I was pissed. Of course I'm pissed. It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't think I knew and wanted nothing to do with them. She KNEW I was totally unaware.

 

My fiancee is a separate issue. She isn't happy and made it clear that if I even MET with my sons mother she'd leave.

 

How can your name be on the birth certificate without your approval ??

 

You mean when my daughter was born I could have simply put on her birth certificate Mick Jaggar was the father! C'mon.

 

That's what I was told, that my name is on his birth certificate. All I can go by at this point is what I'm told. I don't think there would be a reason for her to lie? At some point I'd figure it out, right. I have no idea what the process is like. If she "forged" my signature then that's obviously messed up. That being said, he's my son - does it really matter?

 

I did ask her about a DNA test, just to be sure. She said she would allow one, but doesn't want our son to know what it's for and that she already knows the answer. She said I was her first and only person she slept with "for a long time". I might have one done, just so I don't wonder but I'm not sure.

 

If OP does not contest his name on the birth certificate she can use it and sue him for 7 years of unpaid child support + interests + penalties.

 

ETA: I have a friend who got sued for child support when his son was 24 years old. The mother had 10 years to claim her due past the child's 18th birthday. He ended up with a bill of 56K to pay.

 

She has already said that she doesn't want money. I offered, a large sum not far off from what you just noted, and she declined. She said they don't need it and she doesn't feel right taking it. Rather, to put it into an account for him to use for school.

 

And to whoever said it... No, I don't plan on falling in love with her. This isn't a movie.

[Gaeta]

PLEASE do not be NAIVE !!

 

You do not know this woman. She can be all cooperative right now and turn on you in a month or a couple of years. She forged your name on the child's birth certificate she is not the little innocent girl you used to know!! you understand that? what she did is ILLEGAL.

 

You go ahead and have that test done.

 

You do NOT give her money without RECORD OF IT and her signing a receipt!

[mikeylo]

Why are you pissed at her ? You made your decision and she accepted it. Most women would have made your life hell. What she chose to do about is her decision. Even now she is not forcing you to be part of the child's life. The child will grow even with a mother alone. Just as kids of single fathers do.

 

Well, she let you in child's life a little bit because it's for the child , not you. You made your decision long ago , so even if she made it aware to you , you would have told her that you told her to abort and want nothing of it.

 

Dude, your anger at her is not justified. I guess you are confused and probably shocked. If you are not prepared, then opt out now rather than entering an innocent child's life and then leaving. Karma can be good or bad.

[Springsummer]

PLEASE do not be NAIVE !!

 

You do not know this woman. She can be all cooperative right now and turn on you in a month or a couple of years. She forged your name on the child's birth certificate she is not the little innocent girl you used to know!! you understand that? what she did is ILLEGAL.

 

You go ahead and have that test done.

 

You do NOT give her money without RECORD OF IT and her signing a receipt!

 

Na...I googled...she may just put a name there, but without his signature. as long as she didn't forge a signature, there is nothing illegal about, it just simply invalid.

 

there is no reason why she would forge a signature.

[Springsummer]

Why are you pissed at her ? You made your decision and she accepted it. Most women would have made your life hell. What she chose to do about is her decision. Even now she is not forcing you to be part of the child's life. The child will grow even with a mother alone. Just as kids of single fathers do.

 

Well, she let you in child's life a little bit because it's for the child , not you. You made your decision long ago , so even if she made it aware to you , you would have told her that you told her to abort and want nothing of it.

 

Dude, your anger at her is not justified. I guess you are confused and probably shocked. If you are not prepared, then opt out now rather than entering an innocent child's life and then leaving. Karma can be good or bad.

 

he is entitled and self-centered, that's why.

[Gaeta]

Na...I googled...she may just put a name there, but without his signature. as long as she didn't forge a signature, there is nothing illegal about, it just simply invalid.

 

there is no reason why she would forge a signature.

 

When you fill a government form online and at the bottom there is a little paragraph asking you that all information is accurate and that you are the person giving your consent THAT is a Legal contract! You cannot fill this for someone else. It's illegal. It's easy to do but it's still illegal, at the same level cheating on your tax return is illegal = forgery.

 

You cannot put a name on someone's birth certificate without their consent otherwise there would be no control over who's who on anyone's birth certificate. The birth certificate is an extremely important document that will follow you all of your life.

 

This child may not be his at all and when OP dies this kid can show up and claim his inheritance if OP's name is on his birth certificate.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If people want to think that a father should have no role than so be it. I however, believe that my rights are just as valid as hers. She knew that I had no idea about him, she said that herself. I don't know why she would let me into his life a little bit (through pictures and fake letters) and not fully but that's what she did. So yes, I'm mad. Am I taking that out on her? No, not at all. I wasn't even mad until I got home, then I was pissed. Of course I'm pissed. It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't think I knew and wanted nothing to do with them. She KNEW I was totally unaware.

 

I wished you a good life with your son earlier, but you better get some counseling is my thought after reading the above. And I did mention in an earlier post you should get guidance, if I remember correctly.

 

GCar, you haven't demonstrated in your posts your concern for your son. In your posts it's all about you and your rights.

 

I do believe your son would fare better by knowing you IF you get counseling. You seem very entitled and selfish to me. Not because you want to know your son; that's normal.

 

Your anger at your son's mother is totally unwarranted. You rejected her pregnancy so she shut you out, plain and simple. I believe many if not most women would do the same given your attitude about her pregnancy. I don't support her lying about having an abortion, though.

 

I am concerned for your son because of your attitude and also because of his mother's lies. It is wrong for her to send fake cards that were supposedly from you over the years to her son.

 

It seems to me that both of you need counseling and attitude adjustments.

[strawberryshortstack]

With you. There is no point fighting over it. It's tiring and annoying, to say the least. If people want to think that a father should have no role than so be it. I however, believe that my rights are just as valid as hers. She knew that I had no idea about him, she said that herself. I don't know why she would let me into his life a little bit (through pictures and fake letters) and not fully but that's what she did. So yes, I'm mad. Am I taking that out on her? No, not at all. I wasn't even mad until I got home, then I was pissed. Of course I'm pissed. It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't think I knew and wanted nothing to do with them. She KNEW I was totally unaware.

 

 

I think the time for anger has passed. She may have done you a disservice by not telling you, or it may have been the smartest thing she ever did - letting you grow up before letting you in the child's life.