I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

[mikeylo]

Do it. Contact her. You shouldnt have spoken to your fiance yet for the same reasons you went through now.Anyway, its done.

 

Go with the intention of wanting to know and be part of your child's life.Keep money out of it for now. It wont happen in a day and dont even rush it. Maybe see a counsellor who can guide you how to approach your child to get his acceptance.

 

 

Sons and daughters, both need fathers and mothers but they do grow well with one.You may become the dad , who knows? Your guilt will catch up if you dont.

[darkmoon]

the child has a right to know you, or if not now, then when he grows up, the right to the truth

[l8estnews]

In my opinion, contact the mother and offer support. We can't judge her character but for someone who can afford to have University and Masters abroad, she might not need your help at all (financially).

 

The best thing you can offer right now is just give your contact details, like if one day, that boy would like to know you, inform her that you are willing to meet him.

 

You are right, the last thing you'll want is if your son asked about you, his mother might say "I don't think your father wants to meet you.."

[BlueIris]

I say stay away. You made a choice at 17 and now you live with it just as she has lived with her choice. When you said that you would consider going to court if she said "no" you showed that you're not concerned about the well-being of that child. You're concerned about getting something you want. Leave them alone.

ETA: She could find you if she wanted to, but she hasn't.

Edited December 14, 2016 by BlueIris

[strawberryshortstack]

I say stay away. You made a choice at 17 and now you live with it just as she has lived with her choice. When you said that you would consider going to court if she said "no" you showed that you're not concerned about the well-being of that child. You're concerned about getting something you want. Leave them alone.

ETA: She could find you if she wanted to, but she hasn't.

 

He made a choice based on incorrect information though. Had he known that she was going to keep the baby, might he have made a different choice?

[GCar]

That little boy is a part of me. If my fiancée can’t accept him, then she can’t fully accept me. I know that it’s not what she signed up for, and she said she would never date or marry someone with kids. It’s not like I’m going to be going out and bringing him home with me tomorrow. I don’t expect him to ever spend any time at our house, unless he wants to of course. I wouldn’t hold it over my fiancée if she left. It would be horrible and everything would change so quickly. But that’s my son, he’s worth it. I love my fiancée, she’s a great woman, but the desire to know my son is extremely strong. I need to know him, with or without my fiancée by my side.

 

I have no idea how hard it will be, but I’m all in. I don’t expect any of this to be easy. Whether I just let her know that I’ll be here if he wants to meet me, or go for a full fight to have him in my life, it won’t be easy. I know that once that door is open I can’t go back. I think counseling would be a good idea, as it’s not an easy situation and I don’t want to cause more problems. I have the mindset going in that there is no turning back.

 

Should I talk to her in person and say I just want to chat later? Or send her a message on Facebook, saying the same thing? In person feels better, but I don't want to scare her and of course won't say anything else in front of the boy. But sending her a message feels like she'd have more time to process, in privacy.

 

I say stay away. You made a choice at 17 and now you live with it just as she has lived with her choice. When you said that you would consider going to court if she said "no" you showed that you're not concerned about the well-being of that child. You're concerned about getting something you want. Leave them alone.

ETA: She could find you if she wanted to, but she hasn't.

 

This is a valid point. For her there are no do-overs. She made the choice to have him, and she has to stick with that choice. It doesn't seem fair that I can change my mind 8 years later. Who knows how I would have reacted if she would have said she was having the baby, though. She chose not to tell me the truth. She chose to have and keep that baby, knowing at any point I could find out and change my mind.

 

If she had said she was going to keep the baby, I don't know if I would have acted the same. I doubt it. She came to me a month later, said she was pregnant. I freaked out and said I didn't want it, what many people say when they just find out about an unwanted pregnancy. She said she was having an abortion. A few weeks later school was out for the summer and I never heard from her again. Right before school ended I vaguely remember asking her if she did it and she said yes. I never heard from her again and she didn't ever come back to school. If she lied or changed her mind, that's on her to have told me.

 

When I said that I'd go to court, what I meant was if she was doing it for her not the boy. If I thought she just didn't want me in her life or to "share" him. If I thought she genuinely had HIS best interests at heart, I'd leave it alone. What is in the child's best interests, is to have 2 parents, rather than thinking his dad abandoned him.

 

You're right, if she wanted to find me she could. A simple Facebook search would do the job, assuming she remembers my name. Maybe she assumed I didn't want anything to do with them and didn't want the heartache. Maybe she thinks I'm still the little sh*t from high school, I wouldn't want that person near my kid. I'm not that person anymore.

 

Added... to be honest, she didn't try that hard to keep me in the dark. We have mutual friends on Facebook, I'm not blocked, she posts picture and videos. Someone else could have figured it out if it wasn't me. If she really never wanted me to figure it out, she would have been more private.

Edited December 14, 2016 by GCar

[eightytwenty]

Coming from a child that learned who her real dad was at 19, I think it would be right, but this is how I would think for the mother and child it needs to be done.

 

 

Figure out how far you will go, if the fiancé gets super jealous what will you do? If you get connected to the child... Will she hate him? Will she be the deciding factor if you get to be a Dad to this child? This might be something she leaves you for... You have to sort of decide between them, BEFORE you make contact.

 

 

If you choose to move forward, with or without the fiancé, to know your son. You need to contact the mother. Ask her if he's yours? If he is, apologize for your "dumb" self from school. Ask her what she feels about you meeting him. If she allows it a couple of times, after you feel comfortable ask her what she feels if you did step up as his Father.(If you do that, you can't leave that child, he will see you as Dad FOREVER, don't be the guy that walks out on him again). If she agrees to all of that, offer her money to help support him, after this long be giving in that department.

 

 

I see money as the last thing because she needs to decide if you deserve to be in his life, and if she does let you meet him a few times, then offer money. If she tells you she doesn't want you around him, you might ask if she'll allow to open a bank account and for you to put money in for his future. If she doesn't you might just do that and if she comes around the money is already there.

 

 

If you choose your child make sure the fiancé isn't going to be in the way to the mother or the child. She needs to be understanding, if she can't you need to walk away from her, or not let her be part of it at all. Meaning no contact with the mother or son at all.

 

 

The mother might not want you to be involved at all, she might think it's better for you to stay a ghost to her and him. That is her right since you were stupid back then, Please don't push her to get in his life. After all she was the one that kept him and raised him by herself all this time.

 

 

If she doesn't want you around, give her your number and tell her that she can call at anytime, basically to show her you want to be there. She might call if something has happened and she needs to support with him, or one night she'll change her mind, don't say to get ahold through facebook, by giving her your number it shows your alittle more serious.

 

 

Just know she might not allow you right now to see him, and I would wait it out. He will start asking about you, and maybe then she'll pick up the phone and call you. If she doesn't I would wait till he's 18, then if he asks why didn't you come around you can tell him you tried.

[JKeel88]

Keep in mind that kid may hate you. You have no idea what his mother has told him about you. Kids with absentee parents ask about their parents. My dad wasn't around, and I started asking about him when I was 3. My mom thought it would be better if she painted him in a bad light, so I wouldn't miss him. Which is wrong, you should never talk negatively about the other parent. I grew up hating a man I never knew. When I did meet him, at 17, I already hated him before he said "hello" to me. Even now, 11 years later, those feelings still linger even though he's not a bad man and my mom was the one who shut him out.

 

Also keep in mind that it's not 100% guaranteed he is yours, though it's very much in your favor right now. Don't assume he is yours until the DNA test proves it.

[pteromom]

What a situation!

 

If you contact her, the #1 thing she is going to be scared of is that this jerk she slept with in high school who disappeared as soon as she found out she was pregnant is going to now fight her for partial custody...so this has to be addressed right away. You need to reassure her that it isn't your goal.

 

I would write her a letter asking her to meet and talk with you. She's going to know who you are - of course she is! Of COURSE she recognizes you! And if she's seen you, then of course she is terrified that all of a sudden you are going to want in.

 

The #1 thing you have to do though is to NOT BE SELFISH. You are here saying you would have to pursue further action if she says no? NO! You cannot blow up your son's life - and trust me, turning his mom into a terrified anxious person by pursuing legal action is blowing up his life!

 

Offer $$ - that you DO OWE HER for taking care of YOUR child all these years. NO MATTER if she wants to open up to you or not.

 

And take things one tiny step at a time. Her initial reaction may be bad, but she may adjust to a new normal if you go slowly and stay kind and considerate.

[Mr. Lucky]

Should I talk to her in person and say I just want to chat later? Or send her a message on Facebook, saying the same thing? In person feels better, but I don't want to scare her and of course won't say anything else in front of the boy. But sending her a message feels like she'd have more time to process, in privacy.

 

Let's see, 8 years is 96 months times (conservatively) $500/month so $48,000. You want to make up for lost time, you'll have a check ready, right?

 

When I said that I'd go to court, what I meant was if she was doing it for her not the boy. If I thought she just didn't want me in her life or to "share" him. If I thought she genuinely had HIS best interests at heart, I'd leave it alone. What is in the child's best interests, is to have 2 parents, rather than thinking his dad abandoned him.

 

Your thinking has been consistent. What you're saying is you'll respect her wishes - unless you decide not to.

 

What if, your detective work aside, she simply says "he's not yours" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GCar]

If she wanted back pay, yes I'd figure it out. If that meant selling my house, which I own outright, then so be it. Had I been in his life from the beginning, like I should have been, chances are I wouldn't have this house anyway. So if means selling this house and buying a smaller house (or remortgage), so be it. Money shouldn't be the deciding factor in knowing my son or not. That money should have be theirs anyway.

 

If she says he isn't mine, honestly, I'll ask for a DNA test. If he really isn't mine, she will have no problem doing it to prove so. It lines up far to well for him not to be mine.

[Springsummer]

It doesn't seem fair that I can change my mind 8 years later. Who knows how I would have reacted if she would have said she was having the baby, though. She chose not to tell me the truth. She chose to have and keep that baby, knowing at any point I could find out and change my mind.

 

NO. She told you she was pregnant and you told her to have an abortion.

 

How can she know you will change your mind? you already told her your decision right there and then. You already absolved your responsibility as a father. I think from then on, everything was her responsibility alone.

[Springsummer]

I'll ask for a DNA test

 

I think you have no right to ask.

[eightytwenty]

If she says he isn't mine, honestly, I'll ask for a DNA test. If he really isn't mine, she will have no problem doing it to prove so. It lines up far to well for him not to be mine.

 

 

 

That would mean you would most likely have to take her to court, because if he was mine and that happened to me. I wouldn't just allow you to walk into his life to shake it up, without you proving yourself. It might be your child also, but she was the one that kept him. Once the DNA proof is there, would that stop you from taking her son away from her part time, when you didn't want him in the first place!

 

 

You need to pay nice, and let her make the calls, not threaten DNA testing or taking her to court. Come on, she has done the work in this, you haven't done anything.

[pteromom]

Had I been in his life from the beginning, like I should have been, chances are I wouldn't have this house anyway.

 

It was your choice to walk (run) away - so don't go acting all high and mighty and entitled now! You ASSUMED she had an abortion and never even called to check up on her! You left her to deal with that pain and loss on her own, and now that you realize she got something wonderful out of it, you want a piece of it? NO SIR. You need to get humble here.

 

Money shouldn't be the deciding factor in knowing my son or not. That money should have be theirs anyway.

 

Very true.

At the same time, you haven't earned the right to know your son. You walked away. So you have some apologizing to do. You have some proving to do to THE MOTHER before you ever get the right to look into your son's eyes.

 

If she says he isn't mine, honestly, I'll ask for a DNA test. If he really isn't mine, she will have no problem doing it to prove so. It lines up far to well for him not to be mine.

 

Again - you need to calm down. You haven't earned the right to anything here. If she says he isn't yours, I would back off for a few weeks and let her process things. THEN reach out to her again and say "I know you say he isn't mine, but there is a good chance there is. Please, can you do a DNA test so I will know for sure? If he is mine, I want the chance to do things differently from here out - and want to work WITH you, not against your wishes."

 

Then let go again for a few weeks and let her process.

 

You need to keep in mind that her #1 priority is protecting him - and you yourself admit that back then, you were just the kind of person he would need to be protected from. You have to prove yourself here. DO NOT FEEL ENTITLED!!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

If she says he isn't mine, honestly, I'll ask for a DNA test.

 

GCar, I'd suggest you start with the birth certificate. Knowing what's on there might be informative.

 

As far as DNA testing goes, you're again asserting rights you don't have...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoreSP]

Sheesh that's the kind of stuff you see in movies!

 

First, regardless of how you acted then, it looks like you've become a stand up guy. Good job on stepping up and wanting to do the right thing.

 

I agree with peooke who say you should contact her discreetly, apologize, ask if he's your son and act accordingly but avoid making it anout you at all.

 

I think that if she wanted to get money from you, she most likely would have been able to do so going through legal channels.

So perhaps you can come to an arrangement concerning back pay child supprt that you can afford but this conversation can come later.

 

As for your fiancé, I'm sorry but I think this will be the end of that relationship. Typically couples with one childless partner who has problems with their partner's involvment in their child's life (including the mother's) don't work out.

[GCar]

I don't want to be an ***hole here, but if that is my kid I deserve to know that. I didn't chose to walk away from him, I didn't know he existed. If I had known about his existence all this time, and just now wanted in his life that would be a different story. I had no idea that he existed. When she told me she was having an abortion and to leave her alone, I took her word for it. What 17 year old wants a baby? When I typed her name in google I learned that both her parents died in 2005. So who is supporting her through this and there to help them?

 

NO. She told you she was pregnant and you told her to have an abortion.

 

How can she know you will change your mind? you already told her your decision right there and then. You already absolved your responsibility as a father. I think from then on, everything was her responsibility alone.

 

I told her my opinion, which was that we were too young to have a baby and didn't even know each other. In the end it was her choice and she didn't tell me the choice she made. Many people suggest or think about abortion in an unplanned pregnancy, are they all unworthy of their kids because they uttered those words? How many people say dumb things when they are scared? I was a 17 year old kid who had a ONS with a random girl, should I have been jumping for joy the moment she said she was pregnant?

 

She also said a decision, right then and there, that she would have an abortion. She changed that decision, she didn't let me know.

 

I think you have no right to ask.

 

If that is my child, yes I do. She is the one who said she was having an abortion. She either changed her mind or had no intention of doing it.

 

GCar, I'd suggest you start with the birth certificate. Knowing what's on there might be informative.

 

As far as DNA testing goes, you're again asserting rights you don't have...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If she won't tell me if I'm the father what makes you think she will show me the birth certificate? Even if she didn't put my name on there, and she probably didn't, that doesn't mean I'm not his father.

 

Like I said, I don't want to be an ***hole here. I really don't. I am entitled to know if that child is mine, and he is entitled to know that he dad didn't abandon him.

 

I was going to message her tonight but I'm pissy now (between my fiancee and opinions here) and it's probably not the best time.

[eightytwenty]

I don't want to be an ***hole here, but if that is my kid I deserve to know that. I didn't chose to walk away from him, I didn't know he existed. If I had known about his existence all this time, and just now wanted in his life that would be a different story. I had no idea that he existed. When she told me she was having an abortion and to leave her alone, I took her word for it. What 17 year old wants a baby? When I typed her name in google I learned that both her parents died in 2005. So who is supporting her through this and there to help them?

 

 

 

I told her my opinion, which was that we were too young to have a baby and didn't even know each other. In the end it was her choice and she didn't tell me the choice she made. Many people suggest or think about abortion in an unplanned pregnancy, are they all unworthy of their kids because they uttered those words? How many people say dumb things when they are scared? I was a 17 year old kid who had a ONS with a random girl, should I have been jumping for joy the moment she said she was pregnant?

 

She also said a decision, right then and there, that she would have an abortion. She changed that decision, she didn't let me know.

 

 

 

If that is my child, yes I do. She is the one who said she was having an abortion. She either changed her mind or had no intention of doing it.

 

 

 

If she won't tell me if I'm the father what makes you think she will show me the birth certificate? Even if she didn't put my name on there, and she probably didn't, that doesn't mean I'm not his father.

 

Like I said, I don't want to be an ***hole here. I really don't. I am entitled to know if that child is mine, and he is entitled to know that he dad didn't abandon him.

 

I was going to message her tonight but I'm pissy now (between my fiancee and opinions here) and it's probably not the best time.[/QUOTe]

 

No you aren't entitled to anything because you left. You didn't even ask to go to the clinic with her to ha e the abortion... She should just deal with you because you shot your load in her? No. She raised that child and you need to make ameeds with her before you do anything.

[GCar]

I'm not expecting to contact her and be welcomed with open arms into their lives. That would be stupid for me to think. I'm not even sure if I expect her to contact me back, I hope that she does.

 

I'm not going into this thinking I'm going to fight her for custody or thinking I will meet the boy right away. I don't expect her to immediately let a stranger into her sons life. All she knows about me is who I was. I have every intention of showing her who I am now. Who I was at 17 is not who I am now. I was a scared kid. I know I didn't react properly, I can't take that back now but I want to try and make it right.

 

I want her to be open to the idea of me being in his life. I don't want to barge right in and assume the daddy role. It needs to be a slow transition, for everyone. If it takes months to prove myself to her, then so be it, as long as there is an effort of both of our parts.

 

But yes, if I'm patient with her and try to make things right with no response I'm not just going to walk away. If that means taking legal action than so be it. That is a chance she took when she chose to keep the baby and hide it. I find it odd that people are calling me out for walking away, yet pressing me to do it again.

 

No you aren't entitled to anything because you left. You didn't even ask to go to the clinic with her to ha e the abortion... She should just deal with you because you shot your load in her? No. She raised that child and you need to make amends with her before you do anything.

 

I didn't know there was anything to leave. She said she was getting an abortion and to leave her alone. She wanted nothing to do with me after the way I responded. She didn't give me time to process it. There was someone who was supposed to take her to the abortion clinic, someone who worked at our school but I can't recall who. She taught sex ed I believe, or was a counselor, I'm not sure. Regardless, this girl hated me, she didn't want me there.

 

She also chose to have unprotected sex. It was a mutual decision. I don't even remember if it was unprotected but since she got pregnant I'll assume yes. She also expected a relationship after, if I remember correctly.

[Springsummer]

I don't want to be an ***hole here, but if that is my kid I deserve to know that. I didn't chose to walk away from him, I didn't know he existed.

 

When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine. I told some other people, and she ended up getting teased.

 

You didn't even want him to exist, remember?

[Springsummer]

She also expected a relationship after, if I remember correctly.

 

This!

 

It is right to expect a relationship after sex, especially the 1st time. You must fool her into thinking you like her and she can have a relationship with you, that was why she had sex with you.

 

Far from getting that, she even had to abort by herself.

[eightytwenty]

If she doesn't work with you and make effort you're going to throw your weight around.

 

 

I have a 8 month old son... I would of hated going through pregnancy, birth and raising my child alone. Then years later the jerk that didn't want either of us just wants things done his way or he's going to do something.. Yeah all my resources would fight to keep you away from him.

 

Again please let her decide, let her be in charge. She suffered enough by you.

[Sometymeswhy]

I'm 25, when I was 17 I hooked up with a girl that I went to high school with and got her pregnant. We were in completely different "clique's" and while I known [of] her since kindergarten we were never friends. I was very popular, she was the quiet kid with no friends really. I heard that she liked me and used that to my advantage for easy sex. (Yeah, I was an ass)

 

She got pregnant from that encounter. I learned after that she was a virgin before I came along. When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine. I told some other people, and she ended up getting teased. She said she was going to get an abortion and didn't come back to school the next year. She had no friends so I never heard anything about her and never heard from her again. I assumed she had an abortion and didn't care. I wasn't a good kid and got pretty messed up with drugs and alcohol. I wish I could go back and smack myself.

 

 

I honestly hadn't thought about it in years. Yesterday I was picking up my niece from school and I saw that girl. I'm positive it was her because I recognized her immediately and someone said her name as they were leaving. It is not a common name at all, I've never heard it on anyone else.

 

She picked up a little boy from a grade 2 classroom, who clearly referred to her as mommy. She is white, I'm black and that kid was clearly half and half. He also had the same cleft chin that I have. 7-8 years ago there were very few black people in this city, literally a handful. He's the right age and race.

 

That has to be my son..... And now I'm not sure what to do about it. His locker said his name is Eli. I have this overwhelming feeling to see him again. I made an excuse to go get my niece again today. Should I try and talk to her if I see her? I don't know if she would even recognize me. Or should I try and message her on Facebook, I found her profile. I was horrible to her so I don't know what to say. I'm engaged to a great woman, who I have been with for 2 years. She doesn't know about this yet. If that is my kid I want to know him and be a part of his life... I also don't want to disrupt their lives though.

 

 

 

I think it's highly likely she had a thing for you back then and still thinks about you, with a child as a daily reminder. As such no coincidence she put her kid in a school across the street from your home. She is hoping for an encounter. For now she pretends to not see you when you see her.

[eightytwenty]

I agree with somety.

 

Settle down. Don't act entitled. There is a reason why she isn't hiding him like she could.