I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

[LD1990]

Well, color me shocked that your fiancee isn't happy about this. If your letter is anything like your posts here, I can see why she's so jealous.

 

Unlike some of the other posters here, I don't fault you for your actions as a 17 year old. It happens, it's the past, and really, the kid wasn't your responsibility. You didn't want it, she did, if the woman wants to keep a kid and the man doesn't then she can take care of it.

 

But from the sounds of it you're treating your fiancee like total garbage here. "Hey honey, saw my love child today, think I'll get in touch and if you aren't cool with this then we're done." This is supposed to be the woman you love.

 

And for the love of god don't slip the letter in the kid's locker. Find her address and mail it if you're really gonna go through with this, or send it to her work.

[GCar]

Names where changed to Samantha (mother) and John (son). I'm going to have it mailed to her, most likely at work unless I can find her home address.

 

Samantha,

 

The word sorry cannot begin to explain how I actually feel. Regardless, I need to say it 100x over because what I did to you was inexcusable. In a time when you needed me I abandoned you for my own selfish reasons. It has been hard to accept the fact that I abandoned you, but it is something I need to own if I want to better myself.

 

I have tried to justify my actions for 8 years, but the truth is I never checked to see how you were doing. I thought I could walk away, unscathed, and the world would be okay. I chose to believe what I wanted to believe and not look at the reality. When you told me you were going to terminate, I accepted that as the final answer because I thought it was what I wanted. Had I actually taken the time to think about it, I would have realized that I wanted to be a part of your life. I was too immature and too scared to see that.

 

There is no excuse for the way I dismissed you and ran. I wish that I had stayed in your life. I wish that I had tried to work through the confusion and fear that we both were feeling. I wish I could have been as strong as you, instead of a coward. My actions were cowardly and damaging, and for that I am sorry.

 

You are probably thinking, well why now. After all these years why am I just now stepping up. The truth is I recently saw you with your son, for the first time since high school. Something that I had tried to ignore could no longer be ignored. I didn't just want to contact you, I had to. The moment I saw you and that little boy, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake.

 

By no fault but my own, I didn't know you chose to have the baby. Had I known I believe this would have played out differently. You have your reasons for keeping me out of your life, and I'm sure they are justified. I know I was not a good person in high school. Thankfully I have grown and changed my ways.

 

After high school I continued on to university and achieved my BBA and MBA. I have been employed with XYZ for 5 years, who paid for a large part of my university tuition. Currently I am working full-time from home, though for the earlier 4 years I worked in office. I own a home, which coincidentally is located near the school your son attends – and how I found you. My niece attends the same school, currently enrolled in Grade 1. I am engaged to a woman, Erin, who I have been with for 2 years. We do not have kids yet but they are in the plans. This is not what we expected for our future and it has been hard on us as a couple. Choosing to make things right with you may end my engagement, but it is worth it. You and your son are worth it. It is time I take responsibility for my actions, regardless of the cost.

 

For nearly 8 years you have provided for a child that I should have been an equal contributor to. If you will allow it, I would like to make things right and repay you for all the incredible work you have done. In addition, I would like to continue to offer help on an ongoing basis. If you will allow it, we can discuss what you are most comfortable with in terms of my financial help.

 

I want to assure you that while I do want to meet and know John, it is not something that I will push or force. I am not trying to take him away from you or barge into your life. You have been waiting for me for 8 years, now it is time for me to wait for you. For now, please, just allow me to help you in whatever way you are comfortable. I want to show you the man I have become, not the man who I was. As much as I want to be a part of John's life, you and John are more important. Your comfort trumps any wish I have. So I will wait, until you are ready – however long that takes.

 

I want to apologize to you, and your son, for not being a part of his life. I don't feel like I have the right to call him our son, as I have made no contribution to his life. All the credit goes to you, Samantha. I am proud of the man I have become, however in the process I left two very important people behind and that is my deepest regret. I have missed so much of his life, and that could have been avoided if I had treated you better. Please, let me show you the man I have become and the father I could be so I don't miss any more of his life.

 

You are an amazing woman and John is lucky to have you as his mom. Despite my absence from your life, you have successfully raised your son and made a life for yourself. I will forever be grateful for the hard work you have done for your son - our son.

 

I know that there is nothing I can say to amend the years of silence, hardship and pain that I caused. It is a choice that I will always regret. I know that I cannot take it back, however I would like to make it right from here on out - in whatever way you will allow. I am so incredibly sorry – for hurting you, for abandoning you, and for missing out on the joy of raising a son together.

 

Samantha... Sam, I am so sorry.

 

I hope that moving forward you can accept my help, and eventually my presence in your and John's life. I understand if it’s too late, but if you will let me then I am all in. If not, please know how sorry I am. You will always be on my mind and the door will always be open, should you change your mind.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name

[Alamo657]

I think you are being very selfish and immature by trying to force your way into this child life.

 

You abandoned him, the only thing your entitled to do is send a monthly payment to aid the mother, but your attempt at reconnecting with both will not be well received.

[mikeylo]

My son is 18 and if it was him, after 7 years , I would tell him to go ahead and be a dad. Take responsibility and give love to the child. The fiancé has no place in this. If possible and if the mother is receptive, have a relationship with her. If not, be a dad ( not a father ) and forget about dating for a while. Then find someone who accepts your child.

 

While kids need both parents but no one can deny the fact that girls need dads and boys need moms for best development. Their back is so much important,especially in teenage.

 

Anyways, in the letter,I guess you should let go about your plans of kids. She might back off completely.

[mikeylo]

Well, color me shocked that your fiancee isn't happy about this. If your letter is anything like your posts here, I can see why she's so jealous.

 

Unlike some of the other posters here, I don't fault you for your actions as a 17 year old. It happens, it's the past, and really, the kid wasn't your responsibility. You didn't want it, she did, if the woman wants to keep a kid and the man doesn't then she can take care of it.

 

But from the sounds of it you're treating your fiancee like total garbage here. "Hey honey, saw my love child today, think I'll get in touch and if you aren't cool with this then we're done." This is supposed to be the woman you love.

 

And for the love of god don't slip the letter in the kid's locker. Find her address and mail it if you're really gonna go through with this, or send it to her work.

 

Really ? Since when are kids something ' in the past '?

[PrettyEmily77]

I can't comment on the rights and wrongs of the situation and how to take it from there as it's such a personal matter, but in terms of the letter

 

I want to apologize to you, and your son, for not being a part of his life. I don't feel like I have the right to call him our son, as I have made no contribution to his life. All the credit goes to you, Aruba. I am proud of the man I have become, however in the process I left two very important people behind and that is my deepest regret. I have missed so much of his life, and that could have been avoided if I had treated you better. Please, let me show you the man I have become and the father I could be so I don't miss any more of his life.

 

You are an amazing woman and John is lucky to have you as his mom. Despite my absence from your life, you have successfully raised your son and made a life for yourself. I will forever be grateful for the hard work you have done for your son - our son.

 

The bolded would make me flinch, and question your selflessness and consistency. You haven't earned the right to call him that, you mention as much, then you go ahead and do it anyway. Don't make assumptions or go too fast - she should be in control of the pace.

 

I am engaged to a woman, Erin, who I have been with for 2 years. We do not have kids yet but they are in the plans. This is not what we expected for our future and it has been hard on us as a couple. Choosing to make things right with you may end my engagement, but it is worth it. You and your son are worth it. It is time I take responsibility for my actions, regardless of the cost.

 

I would ditch the bolded - she doesn't need to know your current situation and its emotional toll on you; I mean, why should she even care how hard it has been on you as a couple? It's not about you, your fiancée, your future kids and the potential drama unfolding for you - it should be all about the boy, not you.

Edited December 16, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[GoreSP]

I would remove any reference to the boy being your son. Tell her that based on his age you think he was born the year you two got together and that you were wondering if he is your son.

 

There is still a chance she did get the abortion, had sex with another black guy a few weeks/3-4 months after, got pregnant and decided to nit go through this again and there is also a chance this other guy is involved in his life...

 

I also find your letter way too emotionnal and too centered around you and how you feel about it...it reads a little winny to be honest.

 

This needs to be about her and how she felt/feels.

[Mrin]

I can't comment on the rights and wrongs of the situation and how to take it from there as it's such a personal matter, but in terms of the letter

 

 

 

The bolded would make me flinch, and question your selflessness and consistency. You haven't earned the right to call him that, you mention as much, then you go ahead and do it anyway. Don't make assumptions or go too fast - she should be in control of the pace.

 

 

 

I would ditch the bolded - she doesn't need to know your current situation and its emotional toll on you; I mean, why should she even care how hard it has been on you as a couple? It's not about you, your fiancée, your future kids and the potential drama unfolding for you - it should be all about the boy, not you.

 

OP: This is good advice though I do think you should make it clear you're engaged to a woman you've been dating for 2 years. Unless you've been able to discern the mother's relationship status as something other than single, you might want to just make sure that door is closed and that you're not hinting at anything more than a parental relationship with her. I'd just mention that you're engaged and leave it at that.

 

The only other edit I'd do is this because calling it repayment for work just might rub her wrong.

 

For nearly 8 years you have provided for a child that I should have been an equal contributor to. If you will allow it, I would like to make things right and catch up on supporting you for all the incredible efforts you've made over the years. In addition, I would like to continue to offer help on an ongoing basis. If you will allow it, we can discuss what you are most comfortable with in terms of my financial help

 

All that being said OP, I think that's a terrific letter. I think it would be hard for her not to say "ok, let's talk" after receiving it. Do you know anything else about her?

 

Best of luck man. And kudos to you for wanting to take responsibility in a situation where a lot of men might just conveniently look the other way.

[Lady2163]

Names where changed to Samantha (mother) and John (son). I'm going to have it mailed to her, most likely at work unless I can find her home address.

 

Samantha,

 

The word sorry cannot begin to explain how I actually feel. Regardless, I need to say it 100x over because what I did to you was inexcusable. In a time when you needed me I abandoned you for my own selfish reasons. It has been hard to accept the fact that I abandoned you, but it is something I need to own if I want to better myself.

 

I have tried to justify my actions for 8 years, but the truth is I never checked to see how you were doing. I thought I could walk away, unscathed, and the world would be okay. I chose to believe what I wanted to believe and not look at the reality. When you told me you were going to terminate, I accepted that as the final answer because I thought it was what I wanted. Had I actually taken the time to think about it, I would have realized that I wanted to be a part of your life. I was too immature and too scared to see that.

 

There is no excuse for the way I dismissed you and ran. I wish that I had stayed in your life. I wish that I had tried to work through the confusion and fear that we both were feeling. I wish I could have been as strong as you, instead of a coward. My actions were cowardly and damaging, and for that I am sorry.

 

You are probably thinking, well why now. After all these years why am I just now stepping up. The truth is I recently saw you with your son, for the first time since high school. Something that I had tried to ignore could no longer be ignored. I didn't just want to contact you, I had to. The moment I saw you and that little boy, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake.

 

By no fault but my own, I didn't know you chose to have the baby. Had I known I believe this would have played out differently. You have your reasons for keeping me out of your life, and I'm sure they are justified. I know I was not a good person in high school. Thankfully I have grown and changed my ways.

 

After high school I continued on to university and achieved my BBA and MBA. I have been employed with XYZ for 5 years, who paid for a large part of my university tuition. Currently I am working full-time from home, though for the earlier 4 years I worked in office. I own a home, which coincidentally is located near the school your son attends – and how I found you. My niece attends the same school, currently enrolled in Grade 1. I am engaged to a woman, Erin, who I have been with for 2 years. We do not have kids yet but they are in the plans. This is not what we expected for our future and it has been hard on us as a couple. Choosing to make things right with you may end my engagement, but it is worth it. You and your son are worth it. It is time I take responsibility for my actions, regardless of the cost.

 

For nearly 8 years you have provided for a child that I should have been an equal contributor to. If you will allow it, I would like to make things right and repay you for all the incredible work you have done. In addition, I would like to continue to offer help on an ongoing basis. If you will allow it, we can discuss what you are most comfortable with in terms of my financial help.

 

I want to assure you that while I do want to meet and know John, it is not something that I will push or force. I am not trying to take him away from you or barge into your life. You have been waiting for me for 8 years, now it is time for me to wait for you. For now, please, just allow me to help you in whatever way you are comfortable. I want to show you the man I have become, not the man who I was. As much as I want to be a part of John's life, you and John are more important. Your comfort trumps any wish I have. So I will wait, until you are ready – however long that takes.

 

I want to apologize to you, and your son, for not being a part of his life. I don't feel like I have the right to call him our son, as I have made no contribution to his life. All the credit goes to you, Samantha. I am proud of the man I have become, however in the process I left two very important people behind and that is my deepest regret. I have missed so much of his life, and that could have been avoided if I had treated you better. Please, let me show you the man I have become and the father I could be so I don't miss any more of his life.

 

You are an amazing woman and John is lucky to have you as his mom. Despite my absence from your life, you have successfully raised your son and made a life for yourself. I will forever be grateful for the hard work you have done for your son - our son.

 

I know that there is nothing I can say to amend the years of silence, hardship and pain that I caused. It is a choice that I will always regret. I know that I cannot take it back, however I would like to make it right from here on out - in whatever way you will allow. I am so incredibly sorry – for hurting you, for abandoning you, and for missing out on the joy of raising a son together.

 

Samantha... Sam, I am so sorry.

 

I hope that moving forward you can accept my help, and eventually my presence in your and John's life. I understand if it’s too late, but if you will let me then I am all in. If not, please know how sorry I am. You will always be on my mind and the door will always be open, should you change your mind.

 

Do not, do not, DO NOT.....send this letter. It does need to be edited. You need help from a professional person to change things. Some have already been mentioned - your fiancée is a total,non issue for Samantha and John.

 

She's had the ability to find you if she wanted to and she has chosen NOT to. Sending this letter now will not give you a "Christmas miracle", but it will give her a "Christmas nightmare". This isn't about you.

 

Again, a clergy or a social worker or even a school counselor can be a third party.

 

"Hello, Samantha? My name is Pastor Joe from XYZ church. I'm received a call from Gcar. He would like to make contact with you and has a letter for you. Would you like to set up an appointment to see me (the counselor)?"

 

Again, a private investigator can get her phone number - he may even find out her church, if she is an attendee.

 

You're going about this all wrong. You are too emotionally involved. This will blow up in your face. You are supposed to be an adult, act like it. Don't ruin their Christmas because you've had a revelation. This has to be handled slow rather than fast.

[Sometymeswhy]

It must have been cathartic to get it all down on paper, but as others have said there is too much detail and presumption. You are pouring your guts out and it comes off like a Lifetime channel movie where you anticipate a romantic, happy ending. Keep it short and simple. It should serve as an introduction/apology/inquiry only. And try to hand deliver it to her while she's coming out of work or picking up the child at school. Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

[eightytwenty]

Do you not realize how many times you said I...

[Satu]

Its good that you wrote that letter, but don't send it.

 

It would fall on her like a ton of bricks.

 

 

Take care.

[dpass]

Honestly, it sounds like a love letter. If I were your fiancée I'd be pissed too. You wish you had stayed in the child's life, not the mothers. That letter sounds like you are trying to get the mother back, not just the child.

[Art_Critic]

Honestly, it sounds like a love letter. If I were your fiancée I'd be pissed too. You wish you had stayed in the child's life, not the mothers. That letter sounds like you are trying to get the mother back, not just the child.

 

I thought the same thing when I read it.. and it also goes overboard with the mushy drama type stuff...

 

If the kids is yours OP then just walk up to her and ask her, why all the drama ?

[GoreSP]

Do you not realize how many times you said I...

 

And "I wish"

...

[Satu]

Any communication with the mother should be kept very short and to the point, whether it be face-to-face, or by letter.

 

Long references to your feelings is inappropriate.

 

All you need to say is that if you are the child's father, you want to contribute to his upkeep.

 

Anything beyond that is self-indulgence.

 

 

Take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

Names where changed to Samantha (mother) and John (son). I'm going to have it mailed to her, most likely at work unless I can find her home address.

 

I'm one of those who's been critical, not of your conduct as a 17-yr old , but of your assumptions now. Having said that, I'm aware it took some courage to post the letter here, knowing folks (like me) would take shots at it.

 

It leaves me confused as to your goals. If the child is yours, are you hoping for something beyond a co-parenting relationship with his mother?

 

I'd hope you understand, given the history, that may be the last thing on earth she'd consider. Your letter needs some editing to reduce those overtones...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueIris]

You’re presuming some things. She might not have been waiting on you all of these years. She might be just fine with your not being in her life. She might be fine with raising her son alone. I’d presume that from the fact that she has not sought you out.

 

Earlier you said that if she said to you that she doesn’t want you in their lives you’d fight her. You said that you were a party boy in HS and college so I'm going to assume that you had casual sex with a bunch of women. Are you going to look up all of the women you had sex with to see if it resulted in a child so you can paternity test and then become involved with those children? How important is it to you that you be in the lives of any children you may have created?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Honestly? If she said he’s not mine and I got a bad feeling… I think I would want to take it to court. It just lines up too well for him not to be my son. If he is mine, then that’s my son… I can’t walk away. If she wants child support and back pay to know I’m serious, then so be it. Knowing my child is worth it, he’s worth it. He should get to know who his father is. I don’t want him to think he wasn’t wanted by me. I didn’t know he existed.

 

Telling my fiancée will be difficult. She has always been jealous of my past, this will be worse. She has wanted to start trying for a baby. This is exactly how she wants to get one. I can’t toss my child to the side for my fiancée though. I do need to tell her though, soon.

 

I saw her today when I got my niece. She didn’t notice me but I couldn’t stop staring at them. They both looked happy and I feel like I’m going to shatter that. She didn’t look like she was wearing a ring but I wasn’t super close to her. She was also wearing scrubs so I know she works in the medical field. Even if she is married or with someone, that’s still (probably) my son. Even if I’m not going to fill the father role I’d still like to know him. Or at least have him know I’m here.

 

He’s been about 100ft from me for a year, and I had no idea. His school is right behind my house. I guess I’ll talk to my fiancée about this and go from there. She needs to know before I let other people know.

 

I think you should leave her alone. You made your choice, live with it. One day that boy will want to know, for now you're just going to up-end his world.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, it's important for you to clarify in your own mind WHO this issue is about.

 

From your letter it seems to me it is about your desire to reunite in some way with the mother of your child so that you can get to your son.

 

In your first post you admitted you used words to convince the girl you liked or cared for her when you didn't like or care for her so that you could sleep with her.

 

To me, your letter conveys a similar intent that you showed when you were 17. It seems to me you are using words you may not feel to convince a woman you really don't know that you want to have some type of relationship with her in order to get something you want, your son. Your letter has an emotionally loaded tone to it that doesn't resonate with your first post here.

This issue is about your son. Not his mother. You need to show her respect but you absolutely should not try to manipulate her and to me the letter you wrote to her that you shared with us sounds manipulative, especially given that in your first post you were ready to take her to court.

 

Your letter shows a shift in attitude from your first post. What has happened to bring that about? You have shifted from a dismissive (of her feelings) combative (ready to take her to court) attitude to one of seemingly trying to seduce her emotionally. I don't mean this in the way of romance, though your letter could be taken that way.

 

I believe before you're ready to be a part of this child's life you need to do some deep contemplation and soul searching beginning with some counseling by a professional.

 

You have a lot of issues (as many your age do so I'm not singling you out) that need to be recognized and dealt with before entering the lives of two people you don't know with such intimate (father/son) intentions.

 

A young man who marries and becomes a father after he has respected his child's mother has lots of adjustments to make in his life, as does the mother. Becoming a parent is a new and complex journey for any person even when it's done in the best possible circumstances.

 

Your situation is not impossible, but I fear for your success if you don't get some guidance from a professional. That is not to say things couldn't go well if you proceed as you're headed. There's a small percentage of a chance they could. But, is that a risk you're willing to take with the goal of getting to know your son? To me, you have demonstrated a very deep desire to get to know him and be part of his life.

 

For such an awesome undertaking, were I in your place, I'd get professional guidance with this rather than winging it or using an internet forum to try to figure it out. There is too big a risk this could all blow up in your face if you don't.

[Got it]

I would strongly recommend talking to an attorney about this and how you should handle it. Get some professional assistance with this.

 

I am not in agreement with others who are saying to walk away. I do think the child has the right to know their parents and it is his decision to get to know you.

 

I do think you are focused far too much on how you feel emotionally and need to be much more empathetic to them. Put yourself in her shoes and the child's shoes and how would they like to be approached.

 

Please have an attorney help you draft the letter.

[LD1990]

Really ? Since when are kids something ' in the past '?

 

The mistake he made was in the past, knocking this girl up and treating her like garbage. He didn't want to keep it, the mother did, that's on her.

[Quiet Storm]

If you know that you will never abandon your son, regardless of the mother's actions, then you should pursue it.

 

I'm white, married to a black guy and we have three kids. As a man, he teaches, he guides, he advises, he protects. Not that I don't do those things, but that male presence is invaluable. As a black man, he gives them a cultural influence that benefits them (balances out my cultural influence as a white woman).

 

One is grown and the others are teens, and they are well balanced, confident, smart, happy kids. They feel loved by him and know their father is very invested in their future, their well being, their choices, etc. Your son deserves to have that, too.

[sandylee1]

The letter is way too long and as others have said, remove references to your fiancée/you struggling with it and keep it simple.

 

Adding on to what Quiet Storm has said .... it can be difficult for a biracial child not knowing the parent that contributes to their DNA .... because they have a physical difference in their appearance.

 

I say this as a black female .... a lot of black men have fathered kids and abandoned them. If the child doesn't ever have any positive images of black men in their lives, they can build up a negative attitude towards black people and suffer from identity crisis issues.

 

So you could be a positive person in his life, but you need to loose the attitude that puts any ounce of blame on her for keeping him and not letting you know. You made it crystal clear that you weren't interested or wanted any involvement.

 

Because if you push it, she could up and move very far away from there.

[lucy_in_disguise]

For the love of God, do not send her that letter. It is offensively presumptuous, emotionally needy, and just makes you seem very immature and not ready at all for reality. I was supportive of you getting in touch before, but after reading that letter, I think you need some serious professional guidance before you go there, or you risk screwing it up.

 

The only appropriate message for you to communicate right now is, if the child is mine, I want to provide for him.