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I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

GCar

By GCar
in General Relationship Discussion

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Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
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He's spent 25 years going after what he wants.

 

and left the carnage behind

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
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He's spent 25 years going after what he wants.

 

His priorities just shifted with the inclusion of this previously unknown child. I'm all for it.

  • Like 1
DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted
I already liked this post but I'm requoting it so it can be liked again.

 

You're right, the kid comes first. So if his mother decides that it's best if you're not in his life, you'll be ok with that right?

 

How is that putting the kid first? Isn't that putting the mother first?

  • Like 2
PinkElephants Established Member

PinkElephants

Posted
Posted
I am not trying to toss her aside for a new family. I'd love it if she would stand by my side through this.

You want compassion from your fiancee but have you tried looking at it from her point of view? Because I'm sure that tossing her aside is exactly what she thinks you're doing. She probably had plans for a family and a life with you but sees that you're choosing a different family instead.

 

Her hateful, derogatory speech is likely her way of showing her absolute intolerance for what she perceives as a threat to her life with you. She's trying to make the boy and his mother seem as low and undesirable as possible in order to turn you back towards her and continue towards the life you had planned. Basically, she sees the child as a bomb placed under her feet and she's begging you to grab an ax and cut the fuse. Unfortunately, she's going about it in an ineffective, immature way.

 

Her lashing out is a cycle that you're helping to perpetuate. She wants to be top of the GCar food chain. This boy is a threat, she feels insecure, lashes out in a bid for reassurance, you respond by saying you're cool is she's gone, she feels more insecure, lashes out, you question your future so she feels insecure....

 

She'd probably benefit from you pledging to move forward together as a team rather than saying she can get on board or kick rocks.

 

What in your life taught you that the correct way to deal with an inconvenient woman is abandonment? All either of these ladies did was look for you to keep up your end of the bargain you explicitly offered, your promise of a life together for better or worse with your fiancee that you're about to renege on, or stumbled into, the accidental pregnancy that you chose to ignore.

 

Are you an unreliable employee and an ungrateful son too? Or is this treatment reserved solely for the women you sleep with? How about your son; will you abandon him the first time he mouths off or if he comes out as gay? Will you only pay Samantha child support until she becomes inconvenient again because she's interfering with your vacation plans?

 

You're doing your best to paint yourself as a great guy who grew up and wants to make things right but all you're doing is abandoning one person to be with someone you abandoned before. You're the same guy you were in high school.

 

I will not have someone like that around my child or the child's mother.

Look, I'm not saying you have to be with your fiancee; I'm saying it doesn't seem like you've even tried.

 

I'm the product of an interracial marriage though not the same races as your son. One set of grandparents had a huge problem with my parents' marriage and, after several passive aggressive attacks directed at my folks, my family cut contact with them. I can only remember seeing them 3 or 4 times in my life.

 

My other grandparents and the rest of both sides of the family were fantastic so I don't feel like I missed out. Plus, grandparents are easy to cut out so the vitriol was avoided with no problem.

 

A stepmother is going to be a constant figure in your son's life and you do have a responsibility to protect him. Maybe before you cut her out you offer her the compassion and understanding you wish she'd give you.

  • Like 2
Jemima1234 Established Member

Jemima1234

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I think some of the responses are appalling. You are doing the right thing here. You didn't know your son existed now you do and you are absolutely right to stand up and be counted at a father. It's his right to know you and your right to know him.

 

 

And I say this coming from an experience where my sons dad knew about him but for various reasons wasn't involved for first few years but now is. It hurt but it's right for me to support their relationship and I always will.

  • Like 3
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted (edited)
You want compassion from your fiancee but have you tried looking at it from her point of view? Because I'm sure that tossing her aside is exactly what she thinks you're doing. She probably had plans for a family and a life with you but sees that you're choosing a different family instead.

 

Her hateful, derogatory speech is likely her way of showing her absolute intolerance for what she perceives as a threat to her life with you. She's trying to make the boy and his mother seem as low and undesirable as possible in order to turn you back towards her and continue towards the life you had planned. Basically, she sees the child as a bomb placed under her feet and she's begging you to grab an ax and cut the fuse. Unfortunately, she's going about it in an ineffective, immature way.

 

Her lashing out is a cycle that you're helping to perpetuate. She wants to be top of the GCar food chain. This boy is a threat, she feels insecure, lashes out in a bid for reassurance, you respond by saying you're cool is she's gone, she feels more insecure, lashes out, you question your future so she feels insecure....

 

She'd probably benefit from you pledging to move forward together as a team rather than saying she can get on board or kick rocks.

 

What in your life taught you that the correct way to deal with an inconvenient woman is abandonment? All either of these ladies did was look for you to keep up your end of the bargain you explicitly offered, your promise of a life together for better or worse with your fiancee that you're about to renege on, or stumbled into, the accidental pregnancy that you chose to ignore.

 

Are you an unreliable employee and an ungrateful son too? Or is this treatment reserved solely for the women you sleep with? How about your son; will you abandon him the first time he mouths off or if he comes out as gay? Will you only pay Samantha child support until she becomes inconvenient again because she's interfering with your vacation plans?

 

You're doing your best to paint yourself as a great guy who grew up and wants to make things right but all you're doing is abandoning one person to be with someone you abandoned before. You're the same guy you were in high school.

 

 

Look, I'm not saying you have to be with your fiancee; I'm saying it doesn't seem like you've even tried.

 

I'm the product of an interracial marriage though not the same races as your son. One set of grandparents had a huge problem with my parents' marriage and, after several passive aggressive attacks directed at my folks, my family cut contact with them. I can only remember seeing them 3 or 4 times in my life.

 

My other grandparents and the rest of both sides of the family were fantastic so I don't feel like I missed out. Plus, grandparents are easy to cut out so the vitriol was avoided with no problem.

 

A stepmother is going to be a constant figure in your son's life and you do have a responsibility to protect him. Maybe before you cut her out you offer her the compassion and understanding you wish she'd give you.

 

He was 17 when he fought with the first girl & she never told him she had the baby! They were teenagers, enough said. You can't hold how a teenage kid initial reaction to such big news.

 

As for the fiancé, I don't blame him for rethinking. He explained to her the story & that's how she reacts as an adult? How can someone say he's terrible for his reaction as a teen but it's ok for his fiancé to react badly bc she's a woman? So it's ok for a woman tell the man she supposedly loves not to do the right thing bc of her insecurity & still expect to be looked at as wife & mother material?

 

I just don't agree with any of that...I think when any full grown adult puts themselves in front of any child is a adult I'd never want to be around. Kids come first & always, adults should always be capable of putting their own crap to the side when it comes to children.

 

OP...if this your son, you have every right to be in his life. Wether or not even if his birth mother likes it, he is the most important. You don't owe her, your fiancé, if he's your son, you owe him & that's it...minus financial help

Edited by Whoknew30
Spell check
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
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He was 17 when he fought with the first girl & she never told him she had the baby! They were teenagers, enough said. You can't hold how a teenage kid initial reaction to such big news.

lp

 

Well, the mother of this child was also a teenager. She had big news dropped on her as well. Only she didn't get to just walk away and live her life unscathed. She has struggled in ways he can't begin to imagine.

 

He didn't just refuse the baby, he refused to offer any assistance with the abortion, whether it be financially or helping her get to the appointment. Then he was just too gosh darn self-important to follow up.

 

So, it's okay for him to be an irresponsible ass. Let's not punish her for stepping up when he wouldn't.

 

Personally, at that age, her parents needed to knock on his parents door and have a discussion.

Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted
Well, the mother of this child was also a teenager. She had big news dropped on her as well. Only she didn't get to just walk away and live her life unscathed. She has struggled in ways he can't begin to imagine.

 

He didn't just refuse the baby, he refused to offer any assistance with the abortion, whether it be financially or helping her get to the appointment. Then he was just too gosh darn self-important to follow up.

 

So, it's okay for him to be an irresponsible ass. Let's not punish her for stepping up when he wouldn't.

 

Personally, at that age, her parents needed to knock on his parents door and have a discussion.

 

That's part of being a woman...we love to say as a society, woman's body woman's choice. I give it to her, that's exactly what she did! The mother of this boy is an awesome mother...but bc she was young, she ran bc she didn't like what he said & took his choice away from knowing his son. We don't know her home life & maybe (bc I know a family that did this) they didn't tell him so he didn't have rights to his son...I see all angles from all involved. As a parent I might do the same if i didn't like the guy my daughter was dating but reality is, he "said" something she didn't like, in turn she "acted" & took his actual choice away. This is why young kids shouldn't be having sex, it's kid's fighting over a kid.

 

They both screwed up & now both should be adult enough to do what's best for the child. If he's the dad, he has as much right as her & it's up to the boy if he wants to know his dad.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Wow what a story!

 

OP, she may be married and her child be adopted by her husband. This little child should not have their life turn up side down, not at that age. If she gets back in touch with you just consider to let this child grow till adulthood before introducing you.

 

As far as I am concerned you have waved your right as fatherhood a long time ago and it's not something you can just get back like that.

  • Like 1
DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted
Wow what a story!

 

OP, she may be married and her child be adopted by her husband. This little child should not have their life turn up side down, not at that age. If she gets back in touch with you just consider to let this child grow till adulthood before introducing you.

 

As far as I am concerned you have waved your right as fatherhood a long time ago and it's not something you can just get back like that.

 

Being lied to about the existence of a child is not waiving your right to a child.

 

It's not even in the same ball park.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

I can't say I'd be over the moon if I found out my fiancé had a child from way back, because like the OPs fiancée a man with a child was out of the question for me. However, I would decided whether to stay and accept it or extricate myself from the relationship.

 

Of course the whole situation is going feel like a threat to her. She might not know you weren't that into your son's mother and view her as a threat. Much the same as you probably would if she had a child and the father surfaces after 8 years.

 

That's only human nature, but her fear has reared itself in an unpleasant way.

 

It's also not just your fiancée, but I can imagine in her concern is also what her family might think. They probably see you as a nice single eligible good black guy .... and now you likely have a child. That doesn't mean you aren't a good person, but your just not as great of a catch as you were without a child.

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Being lied to about the existence of a child is not waiving your right to a child.

 

It's not even in the same ball park.

 

Take time to read his initial story

 

When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine.

  • Like 5
DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted (edited)
Take time to read his initial story

 

When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine.

 

Read the next sentence:

She said she was going to get an abortion and didn't come back to school the next year.

 

So, again, she lied to him about the existence of the child, he believed her, and now has found that the existence of this child is, in fact, a truth.

 

Had she not lied about getting an abortion, this child may have had his biological father in his life from the beginning. Why are we nullifying her actions and attacking his?

 

Clearly, the past can't be changed. Only the future can. He's trying to change it.

 

And if you're going to leap out and attack this man for trying to do right by his own flesh and blood (still remains to be determined) so that you can harp on his mistake of blowing her off before, then by all means, do so.

 

I mean, really, they weren't even in a relationship. It was a fling at best, admitted by him. They weren't married or in a committed relationship and living together and he just bolted after the news.

 

It was a one night stand. She got pregnant, said she would get an abortion. He continued to live his life, she continued to live hers.

 

Now he finds out he's got a son out there. How selfish of a woman do you have to be to keep a biological father out of the picture, regardless of your justifications. Who gave that woman this right while simultaneously taking away his right to fatherhood?!

 

She may be a princess, happily married, whatever. As long as he respects her life, her marriage, etc., why in the world would you ever suggest NOT going after your own son.

 

BTW - I realize this is just discussion. I don't hold any of you accountable or are mad at any of these responses. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, this is just mine.

Edited by DrReplyInRhymes
  • Like 1
LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

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How is that putting the kid first? Isn't that putting the mother first?

 

Nope. She's been mothering this child alone since he was born. She knows her son best. She gets to decide what's best for him until he's old enough to understand.

 

If she thinks that now is not the right time to introduce the boy to his father, who, to be fair, did abandon her and never bothered to check up on her to see if she went through with the abortion (no disrespect OP, it sounds like you've matured since then) then he should step back.

 

While he's still a minor, it's his mothers job to do what she thinks is best for HIM. We can only hope that she genuinely considers the boy and not just her own feelings, but it's her prerogative to make the choice. It is HER job to put him first.

  • Like 1
ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
Nope. She's been mothering this child alone since he was born. She knows her son best. She gets to decide what's best for him until he's old enough to understand.

 

If she thinks that now is not the right time to introduce the boy to his father, who, to be fair, did abandon her and never bothered to check up on her to see if she went through with the abortion (no disrespect OP, it sounds like you've matured since then) then he should step back.

 

While he's still a minor, it's his mothers job to do what she thinks is best for HIM. We can only hope that she genuinely considers the boy and not just her own feelings, but it's her prerogative to make the choice. It is HER job to put him first.

 

This is true, but HER choice might be just out of resentment and not out of any wish to put HIS needs first.

 

However, I think that, if this happens, OP needs to go legal and have attorneys hash out the problem, without involving the kid, at first. He definitely cannot go hound the mother and child outside the school.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
He definitely cannot go hound the mother and child outside the school.

 

If she says some version of "no", whatever that means, the OP should indeed take a step back while he considers his options. Further contact with her would come dangerously close to harassment.

 

However, I think that, if this happens, OP needs to go legal and have attorneys hash out the problem, without involving the kid, at first. He definitely cannot go hound the mother and child outside the school.

 

No good deed goes unpunished. After getting dumped (yes, I get it, he was 17...) and raising the child by herself. MOM now gets to spend $$$ she probably doesn't have dealing with the OP in court...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted
I can't say I'd be over the moon if I found out my fiancé had a child from way back, because like the OPs fiancée a man with a child was out of the question for me. However, I would decided whether to stay and accept it or extricate myself from the relationship.

 

Of course the whole situation is going feel like a threat to her. She might not know you weren't that into your son's mother and view her as a threat. Much the same as you probably would if she had a child and the father surfaces after 8 years.

 

That's only human nature, but her fear has reared itself in an unpleasant way.

 

It's also not just your fiancée, but I can imagine in her concern is also what her family might think. They probably see you as a nice single eligible good black guy .... and now you likely have a child. That doesn't mean you aren't a good person, but your just not as great of a catch as you were without a child.

 

If a grown adult is threatened by a old teenage relationship, especially one to that's it's evident that haven't spoken in 8 years...well IMO that's someone that isn't ready for marriage. Honestly, I think to be jealous of a teenage past is extremely disturbing.

 

Not wanting to deal with a kid, I can understand that part but not telling a man...one that you supposedly love so much...not to check it out. Real love is about making each other better & wanting to make each other better, it's surely not about putting one's own insecurities first.

 

Also the thinking someone isn't a "good catch" bc they have a child...is so bigoted...in the worst way, bc it's bigotry against a child, that's just awful!

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

 

She may be a princess, happily married, whatever. As long as he respects her life, her marriage, etc., why in the world would you ever suggest NOT going after your own son.

 

For all intent and purpose this is NOT his son !! He is a sperm donor that is all. You can't reject your paternity then 7 years later when the child when the most exhausting part of raising a child is over he wants in. C'mon. Is he ready to pay for the last 7 years of no-child support?

 

So what she told him she would get an abortion! He had already told her he wanted NOTHING to do with this child. You think it would have made a difference if she had come back to him a week later? He had been clear, he rejected her and his child, she was on her own from that moment, abortion or not. On top of that did he contact her to confirm an abortion? NO. Even when she did not show up at school the following year he did not inquire 'what if' she kept the child after all. Is that the action of a man that cares about an abortion or not? NO.

  • Like 2
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted
If she says some version of "no", whatever that means, the OP should indeed take a step back while he considers his options. Further contact with her would come dangerously close to harassment.

 

 

 

No good deed goes unpunished. After getting dumped (yes, I get it, he was 17...) and raising the child by herself. MOM now gets to spend $$$ she probably doesn't have dealing with the OP in court...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not if they come to an agreement on their own & just file paper work...plus, even though they were young, that's the consequence of her not telling him she had the baby. if this child is his, he already payed the consequence for his young teenage mouth, he already missed 8 years.

LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

Posted
Posted
This is true, but HER choice might be just out of resentment and not out of any wish to put HIS needs first.

 

However, I think that, if this happens, OP needs to go legal and have attorneys hash out the problem, without involving the kid, at first. He definitely cannot go hound the mother and child outside the school.

 

As I said, one can only hope that she's a good enough mother not to let her own resentment get in the way.

 

He failed to follow up and make sure she had an abortion..and to be fair to her, she was probably devastated and not thinking straight when she said it..nobody can blame her for taking the time to think about her decision before she acted and nobody can fault her for changing her mind..nor can they fault her for not contacting the boy who abandoned her when she told him she was pregnant with his child. This all adds up to the fact that he essentially rejected paternity, as Gaeta said.

 

I think the letter was the correct thing to do. Hopefully he is respectful and leaves the decision of what to do next in her hands, and hopefully she is able to make a decision based on what's best for her son and not for her.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

YOUR fiancée is just being territorial.

She wants that girl and your "son" out of your life for good.

 

She deliberately chose you as a man without kids to marry as

 

  • she did not want the hassle of an ex in the middle of her marriage
  • she did not want to be a step mum to someone else's kid
  • she did not want her kids to be seen as second best
  • she wanted the thrill of her child being your "first born".
  • practically she does not want chunks of "her" family's income being used on a kid she doesn't know or doesn't want to know

I think if you pursue this course of action, your fiancee will walk sooner or later, and if she doesn't walk then this will most likely be a running sore that will blight your marriage.

 

However I think you HAD to pursue this, you couldn't just ignore it, and have your own child potentially running about in the school fields behind your house and you not say anything.

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
For all intent and purpose this is NOT his son !! He is a sperm donor that is all. You can't reject your paternity then 7 years later when the child when the most exhausting part of raising a child is over he wants in. C'mon. Is he ready to pay for the last 7 years of no-child support?

 

So what she told him she would get an abortion! He had already told her he wanted NOTHING to do with this child. You think it would have made a difference if she had come back to him a week later? He had been clear, he rejected her and his child, she was on her own from that moment, abortion or not. On top of that did he contact her to confirm an abortion? NO. Even when she did not show up at school the following year he did not inquire 'what if' she kept the child after all. Is that the action of a man that cares about an abortion or not? NO.

 

Exactly.

 

I said similar words many times. That Dr.reply is outta this world. Unreasonable. Not logical and sensible.

  • Author
GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm not going to fight anymore on whether or not I deserve to be involved, or whether I should have contacted her or not. Not everyone can have the same opinion. I am comfortable with my choice. It could go back and forth forever.

 

At the end of the day... I said something stupid as a scared boy, she said something stupid as a scared girl. I didn't contact her to see how she was immediately after nor did she contact me to tell me I had a child. I unknowingly let her raise a child alone for 8 years, she knowingly stole 8 years of his childhood that I will never get back.

 

Regardless of the opinions here, she texted me this morning and asked me to meet for coffee. We met this afternoon and she confirmed that he is my son. My name is on the birth certificate and always has been. She said she always thought about contacting me and eventually felt like it was too late and let it go. Her son - my son - has always asked about me and been curious, she told him that I lived far away. She found my Facebook profile years ago and has shown him pictures from there when he'd get curious. Every birthday and Christmas she wrote a card from me. There is a church nearby that is 9% blacks, she isn't religious but takes him once a week for the culture and said he really enjoys it. She isn't seeing anyone and in her words "never really has". She moved back here to be close to the only family she has, both of her parents passed away. We talked for a couple hours and she slowly got more comfortable with me. It was very awkward at first and she couldn't even look at me.

 

She is going to talk to our son (it feels weird being able to say that for real now) and see how he feels. She wants to go slow from there, which is fine. She doesn't want to have to go to court to deal with it, neither do I. If our son wants to meet me it'll happen as soon as he's ready.

  • Like 6
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted
I'm not going to fight anymore on whether or not I deserve to be involved, or whether I should have contacted her or not. Not everyone can have the same opinion. I am comfortable with my choice. It could go back and forth forever.

 

At the end of the day... I said something stupid as a scared boy, she said something stupid as a scared girl. I didn't contact her to see how she was immediately after nor did she contact me to tell me I had a child. I unknowingly let her raise a child alone for 8 years, she knowingly stole 8 years of his childhood that I will never get back.

 

Regardless of the opinions here, she texted me this morning and asked me to meet for coffee. We met this afternoon and she confirmed that he is my son. My name is on the birth certificate and always has been. She said she always thought about contacting me and eventually felt like it was too late and let it go. Her son - my son - has always asked about me and been curious, she told him that I lived far away. She found my Facebook profile years ago and has shown him pictures from there when he'd get curious. Every birthday and Christmas she wrote a card from me. There is a church nearby that is 9% blacks, she isn't religious but takes him once a week for the culture and said he really enjoys it. She isn't seeing anyone and in her words "never really has". She moved back here to be close to the only family she has, both of her parents passed away. We talked for a couple hours and she slowly got more comfortable with me. It was very awkward at first and she couldn't even look at me.

 

She is going to talk to our son (it feels weird being able to say that for real now) and see how he feels. She wants to go slow from there, which is fine. She doesn't want to have to go to court to deal with it, neither do I. If our son wants to meet me it'll happen as soon as he's ready.

 

Slow the train dude..you aren't going to, but you really should. If this is your son or not you need to slow down...for this kid's sake.

Wasted words.

  • Like 1
Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
I unknowingly let her raise a child alone for 8 years, she knowingly stole 8 years of his childhood that I will never get back.

 

Now you turn the table around and make it on her. but actually whose fault is it?

 

you are a good manipulator...guess that was why you were able to manipulated her into believing you love her?

  • Like 7
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