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I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

GCar

By GCar
in General Relationship Discussion

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impasse Member

impasse

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If my kids dad sent me that letter I'd light it on fire and throw it at his face.

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GCar Member

GCar

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I edited it slightly, with some suggestions from here and gave it to her.

 

I saw her pick her son up from school and walk across the street to the park (okay, I specifically watched to see if I'd see them - from my house). I had the letter done and grabbed it and went to the park. She saw me walking up and did like a double take, then stared at me for probably 10 seconds. It felt like eternity. She shook her head a little bit mouthed "not right now" and I left the letter on a bench. When I was walking away I saw her pick it up. I left my cell number and my address, though she watched where I went so she'll know either way where I live.

 

Now I wait...

ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

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Reading through most of this I'd say if she contacts you, you need to be respectful of her situation. If you are the father she may not be ready to explain to the kid about you. She may not be ready to deal with your u wanting some sort of visitation. She may not be ready to potentially pay for a lawyer and deal with all of that if you want some sort of custody.

 

Think about it from her perspective, she has raised the kid, spent years paying for him, building a life, caring for homework he was sick, taking him to doctor appointments, taking him to sports, and possibly lying to him about his father. Now you come out of nowhere and threaten her way of life and the life she built with her kid potentially.

 

You need to respect her decisions and go with her timeline and respect the life she has built.

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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I don’t want him to think he wasn’t wanted by me.

 

well... he wasn't.

 

i'm not judging... AT ALL. you were SUPER young. but he wasn't wanted by you and if you do end up building a relationship with him - it will come up. just something to think about. also - you aren't on his BC, didn't want him, didn't participate in his life... if Samantha doesn't allow you to get near the kid, you'd have to go through court and THAT can take yeaaaaaaars and years. you also can't approach the kid on your own because she can label you as an abuser - in other words... it is ENTIRELY up to her!

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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The mistake he made was in the past, knocking this girl up and treating her like garbage. He didn't want to keep it, the mother did, that's on her.

 

and NOW he WANTS the kid, wants to be involved & wants to build a relationship with him. no one is forcing him to do so, he wants that & that is HIS choice.

 

the cause of his GF's jealousy is her own insecurity + if she "really loves" him... she will understand his need to step up. at the end of the day, what kind of person you are if you'd be totally fine dating someone who isn't taking care of his own child? that is the most disgusting thing a human can do, mistake or not.

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Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

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if Samantha doesn't allow you to get near the kid, you'd have to go through court and THAT can take yeaaaaaaars and years. you also can't approach the kid on your own because she can label you as an abuser - in other words... it is ENTIRELY up to her!

 

probably to no avail...I can't imagine a court will order your kid to do a DNA test just because a random stranger thinks the kid is his.

IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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I have to jump in here. This is really crazy that .. Not only did you recognize the girl, but you heard her name.. You got the boys name, you got quite a lot of details.. I believe we are meant to see and hear things for whatever reason it may be.. Everything is pointing in the direction to speak to her, it may just be a strange timing like if she had split with a man or something that would call you out to step in call me crazy! Besides all that, I have a son who is in 2nd grade about to turn 8, he is right at that turning point where he is still young enough where as if we were in their shoes, I don't think it'd be "weird" to introduce the situation lightly, to start hanging out and getting to know him. Now my daughter is 9, she's at the age where I feel it would get uncomfortable. This is your time. Go!!

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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I agree, some relationships are just meant to be. As I grow older, the more I believe in this. We all tend to not divulge in these 'universe is trying ' stuff when we are young but being on the other side of 50, having a teen son out and being left with my wife at home and seeing life for my share , I now believe in these things.

 

OP, you will need to be the emotionally stronger one here to blend everything.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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I agree, some relationships are just meant to be.

 

So she didn't know he still existed yesterday, and we're putting her in a "relationship" with him today?

 

Just want to make sure - she gets a say in this, right :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I think your letter was fine, provided it's genuine.

 

I find the thought of any legal pursuit to be pretty distasteful. I know she could have told you she kept him but it sounds like you were pretty brutal. And she's done everything for this kid since then.

 

Tread lightly. Otherwise, good luck.

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LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

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I didn't mean a romantic relationship. If that happens, I don't know, great I suppose. But what I meant was a friendly relationship so she can learn to trust me and get to know me. If my fiancee is restricting me from talking to her or seeing her, or acting crazy, I won't get very far with knowing my kid.

 

So..you abandoned your pregnant hook up at 17..and now you're talking very casually about abandoning your fiancée. Apparently you haven't changed much since high school.

 

Does your fiancée know how disposable you consider her to be?

 

I commend you for trying to step up and be a father if she is ok with it but this comment is just gross.

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Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

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So..you abandoned your pregnant hook up at 17..and now you're talking very casually about abandoning your fiancée. Apparently you haven't changed much since high school.

 

Does your fiancée know how disposable you consider her to be?

 

I commend you for trying to step up and be a father if she is ok with it but this comment is just gross.

 

His fiancé told him not to check if it's his child...that would make me do a 360 too, on the thought of I'd want to stay with her or not. He seems like he really wants to right his wrongs in life & any women that truly loves a man & wants good for him, would support that. I'd be more concerned with a woman that puts herself before, her SO trying to do the right thing.

 

 

Honestly OP, I'd rethink your fiancé bc whether or not this boy is yours, she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

Just be as sincere as you can with your ex...if you're genuine, she'll know. Good luck!

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GCar Member

GCar

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Look, I love my fiance. I do. I am not trying to toss her aside for a new family. I'd love it if she would stand by my side through this. Regardless of how much I love my fiance, she cannot be the deciding factor in whether or not I know my child. The child comes first. My fiance knows how important this is to me, and if she cannot stand behind that then perhaps she isn't the right person for me. Trust me, I get it. Hearing that your partner has a surprise child isn't easy to hear. But I took a step back the moment she told me not to know my child, referred to him as trailer trash (even though that is non-existent here), that his mother is a [promiscuous person], and a derogatory term for white women who have kids with black men - that I'm not repeating.

 

If she were just on the fence about it, I'd understand. It is A LOT to process. But there is a line, and making racial slurs cross that line. No, I don't want to end things with my fiance but there may be no choice. First off, I have to reevaluate whether that is the type of person I want in my life - whether the mother comes around or not. And second, I will not have someone like that around my child or the child's mother. It has nothing to do with having feelings for the mother, I don't know her. I haven't talked to her in 8 years and barely knew her then. I have enough decency (for anyone) to know that her behavior is not okay.

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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What is your next step if you do not hear from her? How much time are you giving her to get back with you until you decide that she probably isn't? Then what? what are your expectations now that she has the letter?

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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For inter racial, you need to be thick skinned, a bit more than everyday thick skinned.

 

If mother and child are happy in their lives and if they welcome you , then you need to make some very hard decisions. You need to weed out the racially biased people from your life. They both ( mother and child ) don't need to go through the insults because of their color. And most of all , you yourself need to be happy with the choice and not hold it against them that because of them, you had to weed out others from your life.

 

I wouldn't expect her to reply to your letter soon. Don't push it. Give it few weeks.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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If your fiancée has that view of white women and went as far as to refer to your possible child as trailer trash, then unless she does a complete turnaround, I can't see it going well for you two.

 

No child deserves to be anywhere near someone who is so negative and hateful towards him/her and their mother.

 

I get that she isn't happy, but the child is innocent and it's very different to a an affair child conceived while you were in a relationship with her.

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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OP ~ This has crossed my mind this weekend and I truly hope the best comes from this. I absolutely agree despite some of the comments here, if your Fiancé does not accept your situation, this tells you a little something about her. Yes she is scared to all of a sudden be put "2nd" or have to step aside and "share" you, but she is putting herself first and not understanding where your heart is at right now and you are clearly yearning to at least open the door for who is most likely your child. Your heart wouldn't sit right if you didn't try. If she loves you unconditionally she will support you.

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GCar Member

GCar

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What is your next step if you do not hear from her? How much time are you giving her to get back with you until you decide that she probably isn't? Then what? what are your expectations now that she has the letter?

 

She has the letter, she has my address and phone number. If she wants to contact me she will. For now I'm just giving it time. Christmas is coming, I don't want to interfere with that.

 

Last night she called me, but quickly hung up. Her last name came up on caller display or I would have had no idea it was her since it only rang once. I'm not going to pressure it right now.

 

A lot of black women that I know have issues with white women "stealing" black men. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. It's not acceptable to lash out about it.

Jemima1234 Established Member

Jemima1234

Posted
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I edited it slightly, with some suggestions from here and gave it to her.

 

I saw her pick her son up from school and walk across the street to the park (okay, I specifically watched to see if I'd see them - from my house). I had the letter done and grabbed it and went to the park. She saw me walking up and did like a double take, then stared at me for probably 10 seconds. It felt like eternity. She shook her head a little bit mouthed "not right now" and I left the letter on a bench. When I was walking away I saw her pick it up. I left my cell number and my address, though she watched where I went so she'll know either way where I live.

 

Now I wait...

 

Well done- I think you have handled this exactly right. And I hope in time you can talk to her and build a relationship with your son

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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She has the letter, she has my address and phone number. If she wants to contact me she will. For now I'm just giving it time. Christmas is coming, I don't want to interfere with that.

 

Last night she called me, but quickly hung up. Her last name came up on caller display or I would have had no idea it was her since it only rang once. I'm not going to pressure it right now.

 

A lot of black women that I know have issues with white women "stealing" black men. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. It's not acceptable to lash out about it.

 

I guess, her being hesitant to speak is a sign that the child is yours otherwise she would have straight up said that it wasnt.

 

Time will tell.

 

Anyways, you need to 'unknow' those women . Sometimes its not the words that will come out of their mouths but the looks or coveted , underlined meaning of superiority or privileged stuff that they do.Its something that neither the child nor the mother will be able to describe as no words were used.I dont think they need to pay this cost of having you.

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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OP If you are still checking in on this. I have a similar situation and have taken the alternate route. I wrote about it here WAY back. I called the girl "S".

 

In short S and I were a thing for a while in community college. I transfered to a university and we hooked up during a time I was taking a break from university. Then I didn't hear from her. I decided to look her up and she had a kid. I stepped in as much as she'd let me.

 

Then her family moved her and hid the kid. (There is a racial and cultural thing going on with it I think. They are members of a non-white race that is known for racism. Especiall in these matters).

 

S got with a new man and has been with him as far as I know for close to ten years now.

 

My probable son will soon be 14 years old.

 

As far as your fiancé is concerned. Well. How she deals with this is a test. Since you have a possible child already even if not with her it changes EVERYTHING. You have to consider is this woman mother material if it comes to that? If the very idea that you may have a child disturbs her to the point of acting out like a brat... then loose her.

  • Like 1
fenix Established Member

fenix

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Posted (edited)
I think you are being very selfish and immature by trying to force your way into this child life.

 

You abandoned him, the only thing your entitled to do is send a monthly payment to aid the mother, but your attempt at reconnecting with both will not be well received.

 

Quote for emphasis!!

 

OP, again the only thing you are thinking about is yourself!

 

You dumped this poor girl when you were 17 and now you are doing exactly the same with your fiance.... I can see you in 8 years writing sorry letters to your now fiance... You say you have changed but you don't show it with your acts, you are still just thinking about yourself.

Edited by fenix
  • Like 1
LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

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Look, I love my fiance. I do. I am not trying to toss her aside for a new family. I'd love it if she would stand by my side through this. Regardless of how much I love my fiance, she cannot be the deciding factor in whether or not I know my child. The child comes first. My fiance knows how important this is to me, and if she cannot stand behind that then perhaps she isn't the right person for me. Trust me, I get it. Hearing that your partner has a surprise child isn't easy to hear. But I took a step back the moment she told me not to know my child, referred to him as trailer trash (even though that is non-existent here), that his mother is a [promiscuous person], and a derogatory term for white women who have kids with black men - that I'm not repeating.

 

If she were just on the fence about it, I'd understand. It is A LOT to process. But there is a line, and making racial slurs cross that line. No, I don't want to end things with my fiance but there may be no choice. First off, I have to reevaluate whether that is the type of person I want in my life - whether the mother comes around or not. And second, I will not have someone like that around my child or the child's mother. It has nothing to do with having feelings for the mother, I don't know her. I haven't talked to her in 8 years and barely knew her then. I have enough decency (for anyone) to know that her behavior is not okay.

 

I already liked this post but I'm requoting it so it can be liked again.

 

You're right, the kid comes first. So if his mother decides that it's best if you're not in his life, you'll be ok with that right?

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Go after what you want.

 

To hell with what everyone else thinks.

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

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Go after what you want.

 

To hell with what everyone else thinks.

 

He's spent 25 years going after what he wants.

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